Monday, September 25, 2006

Dismaying Story #59: Dream a Little Dream of ... Him?

Dear Andrew,

I am happily married but I have been dreaming for years about a former sweetheart. Gavin and I dated a long time in real life and both broke each other's heart.

He and I are always together in this recurring dream and things are wonderful. Then I ask him where his current girlfriend is and he says it didn't work out. I feel torn because I like his girlfriend. Gavin professes his love to me and I am happy because we are together.

The other night I had a new dream. Gavin and I were together and he was having a hard time leaving me. I told him go to his girlfriend and love her because I already had my chance with him and I blew it. His girlfriend told me that our friendship needs to be put on hold because of everything. I cried in this dream the same way as I did when Gavin and I broke up many years ago in real life. All my feelings and my thoughts in this dream were so real. Then I woke up so sad.

The thing is I rarely have any contact with Gavin any more. When I do it is only because we still have common friends. I love my husband very much. He is so good to me.

I feel like I am doing something wrong by having such a dream. Do you have any idea what it might mean?

Signed, Guilty Dreamer


Dear Dreamer,

I am no dream analysis expert. I do believe, though, that our dreams can reflect the thoughts and feelings that are rumbling around in the back of our minds.

One key phrase in your letter stood out to me: "Gavin and I ... broke each other's heart."

I believe you're playing "what if" with yourself. You have never really convinced yourself that you were better off without Gavin. You still play "what would my life be like if we had stayed together." Maybe it's deep in your mind, but it's there and it comes out in your dreams.

You need to look around, realize you have a great life and do what you should have done years ago ... you need to break up with the idea of Gavin. He still holds this mythical, special, rose-colored place in your mind. He may not be all the way to a full regret or an active yearning, but he's close. You've never fully let go.

If you had much contact with Gavin now, you'd probably realize he's just a guy and the grass is no greener over there. You must have had reasons back then for breaking up with him, which means "What could have been" is likely not as good as "What is." I suspect the more you can simply accept what happened and that it was for the best, the less you will have those types of dreams.

I don't think these dreams constitute any kind of betrayal of your husband, in large part because I don't think we have any control over our dreams. Yours are a reflection of a niggling fear that you might have missed out on something, that you might have failed in some way to take advantage of past opportunities. Fears and feelings of failure can be persistent. They like to crop up even if we would like them to go away.

So give your husband a big hug and toss that guilt out the window where it belongs. Who knows; maybe some night soon you'll have a dream where you break up with Gavin and tell him you know with all your heart that this is the right thing to do. I suspect it's long overdue.

All the best,
Andrew

If you haven't already done so, don't forget to check out this week's Ask the Faithful Readers question. Let me know what you think about online rudeness.

Also, don't forget this is the last week to submit questions for my upcoming online interview. The deadline is Friday, September 29th and the interview will be posted on Basil's Blog on Sunday, October 8th. To submit questions, send an email to basil dot interviews at gmail dot com with this subject line: Questions for Andrew McAllister, Ph.D. (To Love, Honor and Dismay)

7 comments:

  1. I have these dreams too, you can't control them so don't feel guilty. I think you may be coming to terms with it this way. I wake up thinking about my husband all day. Also during the dream I will say "where's DH?, I'm supposed to be with him!" Also it could be something about yourself. When I was having these dreams I looked them up see this link http://delos-inc.com/cgi-bin/webbbs/dreamroom_config.pl?read=3542, it might help..

    Andrew good advice on this one..my link is alittle crude, you can check it out and delete from my comment if you wish!

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  2. Coulda, mighta and all of that is speculation.
    What if you stayed together, what if you never met, then you wouldn't be dreaming about him, maybe that would be better?
    But you did so enjoy the dreams and look at what you have now and enjoy life.
    I cut all thoughts of past partners like a rotting appendage and only think of the person in my life now.

    Great post Andrew

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  3. This is the point, at which Ann Landers would say, "Wake up and smell the coffee!" I'd say --- be very careful that you don't do or say anything to hurt a husband who loves you. Marriage is the stuff dreams are made of.

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  4. I think that you have to learn to close those relationships in your life and your mind. Just remind yourself that it really is over. Then try your hardest not to dwell on Gavin again.

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  5. good advice! playing what-if's happens to people who are in good relaitonships

    but don't you think that it might be a sign of something deeper in her sub-conscious?

    maybe her husband isn't as perfect as she says or maybe she relaly doesn't feel worthy of him?

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  6. It's so easy to believe our dreams are what our lives supposed to be. There is no every day work to maintain our well being, our families' well being, our relationships.

    Life is short. live it now.

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  7. don't chase dreams.you have a great future with your husband.enjoy it.

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