tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30644215.post115685762333045699..comments2023-05-25T10:37:58.109-03:00Comments on To Love, Honor, and Dismay: Dismaying Story #42: When an Age Gap Doesn't WorkAndrew McAllisterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07210761023973607515noreply@blogger.comBlogger12125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30644215.post-20197287707732116052008-02-09T14:52:00.000-04:002008-02-09T14:52:00.000-04:00Your 4o odd and dont want to be a day younger? Tha...Your 4o odd and dont want to be a day younger? Thats really weird, I'm 19 and want to be younger. I feel ancient now. By the way is it ok for a 19 year old to go out with a 16 year old if they havent had any realtionships themselves and have no real money power, as the issue of control does not exist? Cos I do not really like the demands that would be made of me emotionally or practically by folk of the exact same age, n i also dont want some girl pestering me, I know Im imature yet in the things that really matter I am a lot mature. I aint streetwise either. Naive definately so is it morally ok?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30644215.post-84671618038527427222007-10-15T13:57:00.000-03:002007-10-15T13:57:00.000-03:0014 years is a not a big age gap at all. I know a p...14 years is a not a big age gap at all. I know a place named Agelessfriends.com , where people are seeking relationsips of more than 10 years age gap.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30644215.post-1157050478269499012006-08-31T15:54:00.000-03:002006-08-31T15:54:00.000-03:00Dear Lonely Not-so-old Lady,This site takes severa...Dear Lonely Not-so-old Lady,<BR/>This site takes several hours a day to maintain. Comments like yours make all that effort completely worthwhile for me. I'm glad if I was able to help. Good luck!Andrew McAllisterhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07210761023973607515noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30644215.post-1157047343933321642006-08-31T15:02:00.000-03:002006-08-31T15:02:00.000-03:00From the letter writer:I have no idea how, from on...From the letter writer:<BR/>I have no idea how, from one letter, you can nail me down that precisely. That is truly, truly amazing. I thank you for your advice. I am going to put myself in therapy and hope that some day I can conquer this fear of failure. Thank you so much Dr. Andrew, you are truly insightful.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30644215.post-1157030716969880762006-08-31T10:25:00.000-03:002006-08-31T10:25:00.000-03:00I have been in several relationships with younger ...I have been in several relationships with younger men. I have one rule. You must be older than my oldest child and younger than my father. Okay, so it's a broad rule! I wound up dating a man who was twenty years my junior a few years ago. I should have kept it at a casual level, but he pressed for more seriousness. I don't think age is really an issue, but his lack of experience with relationships did cloud his thinking and his responses. I make it clear to every man I date, once it seems we might be dating awhile, that I don't intend to get married, that I am financially retarded and will be of no financial use to him as a partner, etc. This young man, after a time, thought I either changed, or would change. This I do attribute mainly to his immaturity level (not that age has anything to do with maturity). When he realized I wasn't changing, he became verbally abusive and I ended the union immediately. His response to that was bitter and it turned very ugly. So I say it's best to be carefuly that, no matter how charismatic a man (or woman) is, you have some real open communication and understanding about expectations. <BR/><BR/>I'm 46 years old now (and by the way, I don't think I'm one bit old ~ neither would I want to be one minute younger ~ I've earned every bit of my life and I ain't givin any of it back!). I have been in a committed relationship with a man for a year now. He is eleven years younger than I am. (I can't really go out with men who are my age. They can't keep up with me!) But the relationship works because, although it is exclusive, we do not live together. We do not share any manner of living expenses or really, anything at all! He takes me out. He pays for dinner and entertainment(although sometimes I do, and I almost always leave the tip) and it's like being in a constant state of dating. There is absolutely no stress. People ask me if we are going to move to the next level and move in together or something to which I say, "What? And add stress to the mix? You're outta your mind!" Now whether or not this man will enjoy this forever, I have no idea. But it's enjoyable while it lasts. I have no desire to necessarily find someone who will be my forever. I have a full and happy life, whether there is a man in it or not. I am happy alone and I am happy with someone. It's of no matter to me. The only man who has ever really and truly been there for me no matter what, is my father.cathouse terihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02547258612468286876noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30644215.post-1156942655593560692006-08-30T09:57:00.000-03:002006-08-30T09:57:00.000-03:00This story was about me. Not the age difference, b...This story was about me. Not the age difference, but the part about making relationships a self-fulfilling prophecy. Just replace the gender.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30644215.post-1156941289769007242006-08-30T09:34:00.000-03:002006-08-30T09:34:00.000-03:00My husband is 10 years older than I, age is not an...My husband is 10 years older than I, age is not an issue. Happiness is an issue. <BR/><BR/>The thing that struck a chord with me in the letter, is my memory of the same feelings. <BR/><BR/>When I was first left alone with 3 children, I was also lonely and lost. It is hard to raise 1 child alone, anymore and you are just trying to stay above water. <BR/><BR/>The load that is on your shoulders as a single parent day in and day out, is so large that you feel it while you sleep. If child "a" gets in trouble, you have to go "alone" to face the music. It is a humiliating experience and without the other parent it is an all consuming life issue.<BR/><BR/>What I am so clumsily trying to get at, is that life is so "large" for a single parent. This size thing interfers with every conceivable working of a persons mind. Sometimes the need for a "break" or "help" is so over bearing that you begin to see escape paths through the wrong people. I personally recall this. <BR/><BR/>Looking back, I see the error, but at the time I thought it was the right thing. A younger man, is innocent in comparison and as I see it have a in grained desire to help. This brings down our walls, at least mine, and brings us these feelings that are sometimes misleading.<BR/><BR/>This is what I hear in the writers voice - probably clouded by my past. But, possible.Denise Mallhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13253101883627114010noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30644215.post-1156917104117890322006-08-30T02:51:00.000-03:002006-08-30T02:51:00.000-03:00Once again, nice advice Dr. Andrew. I wish the let...Once again, nice advice Dr. Andrew. I wish the letter-writer the best of luck.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30644215.post-1156908176824766632006-08-30T00:22:00.000-03:002006-08-30T00:22:00.000-03:00Thanks for dropping by - I like your blog - you se...Thanks for dropping by - I like your blog - you seem very perceptive - I love psychology - that college in Florida had a 4 year counseling program, heavy on family systems, but i only got two years before it closed - also an AA in Multimedia Production later on. Don't think IT and counseling are a bit odd together - balances out both sides of the brain!Gardeniahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06233358355888022857noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30644215.post-1156895942441946882006-08-29T20:59:00.000-03:002006-08-29T20:59:00.000-03:00I really don't think 14 years is as big of a gap.I really don't think 14 years is as big of a gap.Lhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15008090170890653196noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30644215.post-1156889830740634252006-08-29T19:17:00.000-03:002006-08-29T19:17:00.000-03:00speaking from experience - you hit the nail on the...speaking from experience - you hit the nail on the head ,as they say...<BR/><BR/>i was a person who was fearful of relationships..my ex left me with two small children to raise and no job - one day he was there and the next he was not...i resolved to never be dependent on another man...sigh, and this lastest for over 20 years...<BR/><BR/>even now, in a good relationship, i question if he is good for me<BR/><BR/>however for me, it's not the fear of failure but the fear of getting hurt again...the pain kept me safe...and until i let it go and realized that all relationships are good and bad/pain..just like the ones with the kids were when they were teens - grinazgoddesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15190285114417409204noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30644215.post-1156861215673039652006-08-29T11:20:00.000-03:002006-08-29T11:20:00.000-03:00As per usual Andrew, great answer.I am totally of ...As per usual Andrew, great answer.<BR/><BR/>I am totally of the opinion that age is of little relevance in an adult relationship. My husband is a few years younger than I am and I was quite bothered by that in the beginning. We were so compatible in other ways that it didn't take long to figure out that age is really of little significance so long as we were both on the same page with everything else.Kelliehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13571184480869468994noreply@blogger.com