tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30644215.post115979328674252699..comments2023-05-25T10:37:58.109-03:00Comments on To Love, Honor, and Dismay: Dismaying Story #62: The Tyrannical AuntAndrew McAllisterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07210761023973607515noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30644215.post-30734325448680460692016-08-13T17:27:33.824-03:002016-08-13T17:27:33.824-03:00Hi All,
No one has brought up narcissism or border...Hi All,<br />No one has brought up narcissism or borderline personality disorder. But, I am leaning toward narcissism. I am going to change the aunt's nickname to Evil Aunt, or possible Evil Ant. Evil Ant is small and powerless, but has a giant ego and self-estimate. She gets off on bullying and controlling everyone around her. Her bullying and control is pathological since it appears that she treats everyone this way if they don't allow her to run their lives. <br /><br />I have a mother-in-law who is this way, only more extreme. She is such a bully that her hairdresser and masseuse LITERALLY fired her. She was wreaking so much havoc in my marriage that I started reading every self-help book I had find. But I needed to know more and this situation partially influenced me to get a Master's in Clinical Psychology. This is my second Master's degree. Well, I finally understood what I was dealing with and that people with personality disorders are not able to change. My husband finally put his foot down after I started explaining to him what was going on. Now, he has always suspected narcissism, but since his mom would never see a therapist, there is no diagnosis. My MIL could be a case study for the DSM. No joke.<br /><br />So, here is how we deal with it: <br />First, we live about 1,500 miles away. Next, my husband goes no contact when she misbehaves horribly. She has insight into the fact that what she does toward me or others s wrong, but she says over and over again that I caused her behavior. Bullshit. That is every abuser's favorite phrase: "You made me hit you" or "you made me threaten you." No, not so. While we cannot control what life throws our way, we can control our response. There is never a legitimate reason to physically attack someone (unless that someone is a stranger in a dark ally and trying to kidnap you or attack you.) We can always choose our behavior and choose our response.<br /><br />Have I tried telling her that she hurts me when she acts that way? Of course, I have said, "when you tell me that I am stupid, it hurts my feelings. I would like for you to stop saying that please." Her response? "Well, you are stupid and I am pointing that out to you because I am not a liar like other people. Everyone else thinks you are stupid too, but they are too cowardly to say it." Nope, ghat doesn't work. It's another typical abuser's response. <br /><br />So, we live far away and we don't see them often. My husband stopped calling her because every time he does, she tears him down. She tells him he is looming old and needs to lose weight. She tells him he doesn't know how to parent or doesn't make our kids study enough. She tells him that he should not have married me.<br /><br />But am I special? No again.<br /><br />She did ALL of these things to his ex-wife and caused her to abandon the marriage after about 8 months. His ex-wife was a beautiful physician who had her medical degree from an Ivy League.<br /><br />The point I am trying to convey is that no one deserves to be treated that way and your aunt is very abnormal in her behavior. There is no winning with such people and the best thing to do is to move away. Being around people who tear you down day in and day out becomes emotionally and physically exhausting. Your body will start releasing too much cortisol because it doesn't know the difference between a bear chasing you in the forest and an extreme bully. Cortisol ages our internal organs and affects our health. It is just not worth it.<br /><br />By the way, I just found this blog yesterday and it is GREAT. It's one of the best psychology blogs I have come across. Sorry for all of my commenting and thanks for listening.Sarahhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00713575108117550732noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30644215.post-1160097378630320612006-10-05T22:16:00.000-03:002006-10-05T22:16:00.000-03:00I used to have an overbearing female boss who was ...I used to have an overbearing female boss who was the same way. She was not only interested in running me out, but she wanted to follow me with a long arm. <BR/><BR/>I vote move. Forget that part of your family for now. It will change down the road, but not at this point. Not with you living there. Your family is siding with the bully so they won't be her next target. People tend to try to make themselves worthy of a bully. example: school bus fight... students who have no fault with the victim jump in to beat them up.jeannie812https://www.blogger.com/profile/16494732634103507155noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30644215.post-1160018565806709662006-10-05T00:22:00.000-03:002006-10-05T00:22:00.000-03:00ignore the aunt and lead your life the way you wan...ignore the aunt and lead your life the way you want to.I am sure she is quite transparent and the society out there is not that dumb.in the mean time explore other avenues as Andrew said.Hip Grandmahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16891699611146003601noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30644215.post-1159997880941619362006-10-04T18:38:00.000-03:002006-10-04T18:38:00.000-03:00I can say that having been in a similar situation,...I can say that having been in a similar situation, Andrew's advice to just move is best. You will never, ever change your aunt or your cousins' kowtowing to her (she must be loaded with money and they're waiting for their cut.) And small towns can be terrible for this sort of thing - often life is so routine and the people in them so insular, that they adore every breath of scandal they can get their hands on, gossip endlessly and inaccurately, and make newcomers' lives miserable.<BR/><BR/>I hope you're able to change things soon. I've lived with similar situations, family members who behave this way, and small towns where everyone listens to whatever nonsense certain people feel fit to spew. Your only hope for a pleasant and normal life is to get out of the sphere of tyrannical aunt entirely. There are whole parts of the world where nobody even knows who she is! Go for it!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30644215.post-1159876985158667692006-10-03T09:03:00.000-03:002006-10-03T09:03:00.000-03:00Hi Marnie,Thanks for the heads up. Turns out that ...Hi Marnie,<BR/>Thanks for the heads up. Turns out that photo was of a person from an different location and is not a public figure. Since she looks like the person in your area, though, I'm happy to replace it. I've used a painting this time so there is no chance of mistaken identity. Thanks for your help!Andrew McAllisterhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07210761023973607515noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30644215.post-1159875301441391592006-10-03T08:35:00.000-03:002006-10-03T08:35:00.000-03:00This is an interesting blog and I look forward to ...This is an interesting blog and I look forward to reading more of it, but I have to say my eye was caught immediately by the photo you've chosen for the "tyrannical aunt." Readers outside my geographical area may not recognize her, but she's actually a beloved, hardworking public figure. I won't identify her lest someone think she's the real aunt. !! :)Marniehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10939992613962030099noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30644215.post-1159828197666955582006-10-02T19:29:00.000-03:002006-10-02T19:29:00.000-03:00I agree, she has no control over anyone unless you...I agree, she has no control over anyone unless you let them. This is not the same but I have a baby now. Everyone tells me what I should and should not do. If I don't mind my saying I am doing a great job, and everyone can tell me all I want that he sleeps too often or too little...but my son is just fine.<BR/><BR/>They cannot make me something or someone I am not, or make me do something I do not wish to do! <BR/><BR/>Hope that helps!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30644215.post-1159810097099111882006-10-02T14:28:00.000-03:002006-10-02T14:28:00.000-03:00One further comment I have (excellent advice, as a...One further comment I have (excellent advice, as always) is that should the folks handling the adoption paperwork decide to spill the beans to the aunt that niece is seeking to adopt, that's grounds for legal action as it's an invasion of privacy & leaking confidential information. The adoption procedure shouldn't be public to anybody that YOU don't tell. Not to say that the aunt can't give everybody a bad impression just by talking, but any person working for the adoption agency talking to the aunt ABOUT the adoption is legally liable for breaching of confidentiality. If it were me, I'd make MY understanding of that clear to the folks running the agency, when I went in to fill out paperwork & whatever else is necessary. Not to come right out and say niece would sue their butts in court, but that she knows her legal rights on the matter. That should give anybody at the agency pause, if they were to think about sharing private info with the aunt.<BR/><BR/>Hope it's ok that I add that little aside. Hate that this woman is worried that her aunt will try to go so far as to keep the niece from adopting a child, just out of spite.Katihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18312698112377656801noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30644215.post-1159809791359882502006-10-02T14:23:00.000-03:002006-10-02T14:23:00.000-03:00love this andrew - - the only person you can chang...love this andrew - - the only person you can change is yourself...<BR/><BR/>i've been so reminded of that lately!!!azgoddesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15190285114417409204noreply@blogger.com