tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30644215.post1366118299163890422..comments2023-05-25T10:37:58.109-03:00Comments on To Love, Honor, and Dismay: Do You Agree with the New York Times?Andrew McAllisterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07210761023973607515noreply@blogger.comBlogger10125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30644215.post-68625076661939442522006-12-24T23:42:00.000-04:002006-12-24T23:42:00.000-04:00All these things should be discussed. However, as...All these things should be discussed. However, as others have said, discussing them does not guarantee that the problems won't arise.<br /><br />You have to be willing to compromise.<br /><br />As a single person, I always slept with a TV in my room. My husband needs quiet to sleep. He also falls asleep within 5 minutes. I stay awake longer. I'f I'm still awake 20 minutes after I lie down, I just get up and watch TV or get on the computer for a while. Yes, I do fall asleep on the couch occasionally, but that's no big deal.<br /><br />He has been willing to accept my somewhat eccentric family, so I can accept his sleeping habits.<br /><br />I love him. We share core values--family, ethics, religion--the rest is negotiable.Ronnihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02062796442588373271noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30644215.post-4000716342003434182006-12-23T01:18:00.000-04:002006-12-23T01:18:00.000-04:00I cannot really answer this since I've never been ...I cannot really answer this since I've never been married, but, while I agree that most of these questions cannot be answered without trying them first, I think that anything that requires spouses-to-be to at least consider that a conflict might arise isn't a bad thing. No, you may not be able to predict in advance how shared finances might work, but you can at least be aware that things will probably not continue as they are and that you may need to be flexible. Housework may not be carried out equitably but if it's been discussed ahead of time, nobody can say they were blindsided after the wedding.<br /><br />As far as living together or not, I think it depends on the couple. My parents lived together for three years before they got married and are still cruising along very contentedly toward their 31st anniversary. I think there are statistics that say that couples who lived together are more likely to divorce, but statistics are never as straightforward as they look on paper. Both the living together and the divorce rate might be symptoms of something else, not cause and effect of one another.Little Black Carhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14313164876855565140noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30644215.post-37708087050420143642006-12-23T00:05:00.000-04:002006-12-23T00:05:00.000-04:00I think if the couple agrees about children, there...I think if the couple agrees about children, there should be more talk about how to raise them. I have seen many a happy narriage fall into divorce just because the parents could not agree on how to raise the kids. Questions such as, "Is it OK if your son wears pink?" "Do you plan to homeschool or public school?" "Spanking or non-violence?" Should be asked prior to marriage and children.<br />These can be real issues when the parents disagree!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30644215.post-31227410198350219112006-12-22T23:41:00.000-04:002006-12-22T23:41:00.000-04:00#7: TV in the bedroom?
By all means discuss th...#7: TV in the bedroom? <br /><br />By all means discuss this issue! I can't tell you how many problems over the last 24 years in my own marriage have been caused by this seemingly insignificant matter. None serious enough to end the relationship, obviously, but serious enough to notice!<br /><br />While I sleep, I must have absolute blackness and near-total silence. My husband can ONLY sleep with the TV on. And what does he like to watch, you ask? Anything...as long as there is lots of screaming, machine-gunfire, and crashing automobiles! <br /><br />We started sleeping apart a couple of year ago, and we get along SO much better! We never admit this to anyone--they look at us funny. <br /><br />Recently, we had to start sleeping in the same room again, due to family circumstances (our daughter came home for Christmas). We have BOTH been miserable ever since. This arrangement will last until the middle of January, when our daughter goes back to her apartment before she starts the Spring semester at college. <br /><br />So, talk this one out. It could have ramifications far down the line for anyone!Love, Ritahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06101542232118228133noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30644215.post-72169711183716864122006-12-22T22:53:00.000-04:002006-12-22T22:53:00.000-04:00I'm approaching my 18th anniversary and I may be i...I'm approaching my 18th anniversary and I may be in a different generation than the others posting comments, but I don't think living together prior to marriage is a huge help. Aren't there stats that say a greater % of couples who lived together will divorce than couples who did not cohabitate before marriage? (I'd track it down, but I'm lazy tonight. Sorry!)<br /><br />We went through manditory marriage counseling at our church for 3 months before the wedding. Minus the TV question (we have one--it has the Tivo and we can see what the children are recording), we were asked to consider all of these questions. <br /><br />One that I've come to believe was missing is this: "What celebrations and ceremonies from your childhood/past are important to you and will you be able to support those that are important to your spouse?" Some of our most frustrating disagreements have centered around birthdays, funerals, family reunions, etc. It may seem trivial, but becomes an issue when children arrive!<br /><br />I wish that annual "well-visits" were available at no cost for couples counseling.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30644215.post-55137902817135583662006-12-22T21:35:00.000-04:002006-12-22T21:35:00.000-04:00I love this one. There is a single problem with th...I love this one. There is a single problem with this questionnaire. Simply, these are not questions to be answered by a couple. These are personal issues that should be asked of ourselves. When I coach couples I find that these types of concepts have them pointing fingers and making excuses as to why it is the spouses fault. I take them aside and have them answer a similar questionnaire, all about themselves. When they are done, they read them to one another in a consequence free and defense free environment. Amazing how it comes to be that the issues that is fired at the other are really a personal doubt that has to be reconciled with themselves. My wife and I lived together for five years before we married and the moment we said “I do” our entire dynamic shifted. We were no longer a couple living together, we were married and now the little things that were nothing became big things that were something. Why? Because now it was forever. Before the rings and paper that define permanency, all was temporary, even if you own property together. When it’s official, then it’s serious. When I coach couples before marriage, I do not ask them to evaluate their partner’s communication dynamic, but their own. If I am okay with me and see that your list is manageable as well, we can make this work. If all I focus on is you, well, were probably doomed.<br />Thomas K. Matthews<br />www.speakforlife.comAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30644215.post-81763584840073995922006-12-22T19:41:00.000-04:002006-12-22T19:41:00.000-04:00I have to agree with anonymous up there.
If I ha...I have to agree with anonymous up there. <br />If I had not lived with my husband before we were married (for about a year) I don't think that we would still be married. <br />Yes, we talked about all that, but how do you know those ideas will work unless you put them into action? <br />Things definitely changed in that year together. He was on his best behaviour for a while, then we got comfortable. Yeah, comfortable sometimes meant new issues, but I knew practically everything about him before we were married. I wouldn't be comfortable signing the dotted line on a car without test driving it first. And that's not forever!! <br />And with the faith part, I agree also. It was hard knowing what we were doing was wrong in my faith, but I don't like surprises, and to me, living together was the best way to eliminate 99% of that.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30644215.post-30335688669266445922006-12-22T16:39:00.000-04:002006-12-22T16:39:00.000-04:00okay #7 is really put in there with everything els...okay #7 is really put in there with everything else? Why does that matter? It's like saying "are you okay with your mate snoring or picking their fingers etc"...very trivial things that may get on your nerves but still it's not up there with the top discussions you have in my book. <br /><br />okay i have to disagree with anonymous. You are going to have struggles about housework/bills/family with ANYONE. Married or living together. Are you saying those are reasons to leave them if you just live together? It's that whole greener pastures. You should ask all those questions before you move in together as well.<br /><br />Family is a big one and religion too. You really have to be on the same page. I find that I learned the bulk of the family history AFTER I married my husband. After that it was too late i was stuck lol.Lisahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00008104019195712105noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30644215.post-69250300541214033352006-12-22T15:36:00.000-04:002006-12-22T15:36:00.000-04:00All are good questions as were your respenses but ...All are good questions as were your respenses but there was one question I was looking for and didn't see and that was "Why get married"?<br /><br />I don't beleive in marriage personally, mostly because I don't beleive in divorce.<br />Why go through all the trouble of getting married if there is a possibility of it someday falling apart and going through all the BS of getting divorced.<br />I have seen some ugly messes with people getting divorced but those who just lived together packed up and left. <br />If there were kids they dealt with that in court.<br />Or do require the "pink slip" to our partner to keep them in line and others at bay.<br /><br />I think it doesn't matter if you are dating or getting married a good undedrstanding of what the future may hold is required before you commit yourself to anyone.Walkerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00341478577481025783noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30644215.post-55926744143878097862006-12-22T11:56:00.000-04:002006-12-22T11:56:00.000-04:00my personal opinion: before even thinking about ma...my personal opinion: before even thinking about marriage, two people involved in a serious relationship should move in together. if they've lived together for at least a year (we could i suppose reduce it to six months, but a year is the safe period), shared everything (including finances, chores, etc.) and haven't come up with a major problem (something they can't get over and can't compromise about) then they can be pretty sure marriage will be pretty much the same (without a major problem - yet, anyway, you can't anticipate EVERYTHING).<br /><br />i am well aware that there's the whole 'sex before marriage' problem and the whole 'living in sin' thing. however, people have to understand that you're supposed to live with this person for the rest of your life and that you can't afford to be in the dark about absolutely anything. trusting him on his word won't do: there's always something. he either doesn't pack his socks, he doesn't brush his teeth at night, there must be some faults that you can't see even if you go on dates with him every night. unless you've lived with him you can't know all his faults (and you can bet that it's his faults that you don't know, i'm sure he was eager to show you his qualities). and some of these might be intolerable to you. the best way to know is to live with the guy.<br /><br />after that all these questions (maybe except the children issue, but if he agrees to share house chores i don't think he won't agree to share children chores) will pretty much answer themselves.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com