Dismaying Story #133: What If He Didn’t Actually Break Up?

Dear Andrew,

I've been involved with this man (let's say his name is Brannigan) since May 2010. It's been wonderful. We connect on every level and our interests match. For once I have really allowed myself to love someone fully. Our relationship has been going on long-distance. Our mutual goal was to get to a place where we could finally be together. Last night, I was emailed a testimonial from another social networking site that displayed another woman with the username brannigan'sgirlfriend. She posts her excited news that since September, she's been LIVING with him (and she says his full name) and that they are madly in love and he's the best guy in the world. The problem is, he hasn't actually broken up with me. The last time we spoke he told me that he loved me and wished we could be together for the holidays. What am I supposed to do about that? Do I confess that I already know? Do I wait for him to fess up? They are living together, newly, and I've visited him so I know for a fact they weren't before. I'm still reeling emotionally but I just feel like a sap. His whole family and friends have known, clearly, and no one thought to tell me?

Signed, Confused and Angry but Mostly Hurt

Dear Mostly Hurt,

First, I assume this is not a case of mistaken identity or confusion, otherwise we have nothing to talk about. So let’s go forward with the understanding that the “Brannigan” in the testimonial is the same guy with whom you have been having a long distance relationship. In other words, he is well and truly caught.

As I read your email, my eye keeps going back to your question: “What am I supposed to do about that?”

I bet many readers are already shaking their heads, as in: How could it be a mystery what to do next? He’s lying and cheating, so walk away without so much as a glance back over your shoulder.

But here’s the thing – you already know about that option. That kind of advice is no surprise to you. So why are you still wondering what to do?

I believe I can sum up the reason in one word: Hope.

For some time now you’ve been hoping he is the one. You’ve tied your emotional sails fully to the wind blowing from his direction, hoping to whisk off into the happy future, arm in arm with your soul mate, the one you have been hoping to find for so long, the one who is finally, finally here!

Your emotional investment has been tremendous. He has occupied most of your waking thoughts. You have spent much of your time yearning for that next phone call, that next Skype session when you will receive yet another affirmation that you are worthy, that your future is set, that all is well.

And then in a matter of a few seconds you are faced with the exact opposite of that entire experience. He is betraying everything about your dream by living with another woman.

At that moment of realization you are faced with a choice. You can give up on that strongly-held hope ... or you can hang on just a little while longer, refusing to give up on those delicious feelings altogether, hoping against hope that there may yet be some path forward to the promised future.

After all, hasn’t he said that he loves you? Hasn’t he shown affection by his actions? Didn’t he say he wants to be with you? Aren’t there plenty of reasons to hope that he might end up with you instead of her?

Sadly, no, there are no such reasons for hope.

He has made his intentions clear by moving in with another woman. I can’t think of many ways he could say more strongly that he prefers another woman to you, and that you have no future together.

But let’s say for a moment that is not true. Let’s go with the desperate theory that he has only moved in with her in a moment of weakness, that he is really not all that into her, that she just happens to be the one who is close by, while you are distant and unavailable. Let’s assume for a moment that YOU are his real true love, and she is just a convenient passing fancy. (And by the way, I don’t believe any of that, but work with me here...) If all that were true, could you still hang onto some hope?

No, don’t do it. Walk away, right now, without looking back, because even if all that were true, you deserve better than that guy. You deserve to spend your life with someone who is faithful and true, not someone who cheats and sneaks around behind your back, all the while lying and telling you everything is still wonderful. Imagine the lack of moral judgment he must have to willingly hurt you in that way. Do you want to sign up for a lifetime of that? No way. You deserve better, much better. Everyone does.

Should you confront him about it? In my opinion that is a personal choice. You would certainly be justified if you simply refuse to have any further contact with him. Or, depending on your emotional needs, it might help you to get closure on the pain he has caused you by standing up for yourself and telling him how wrong he was, how much he owes you an apology.

And then you should walk away, even if he has since broken up with the other woman and begs your forgiveness. I suspect that scenario is unlikely, but even if that happens, he has proven how little he values your happiness. Don’t allow yourself to be fooled a second time.

I’m sorry you have had to go through such a gut-wrenching emotional blow. Please know that not all men are like Brannigan. The world is full of guys who are honest and caring, and will do their best to look out for your happiness, not just their own. Everyone – and that definitely includes you – is worthy of being treated like that.

I would also be interested to hear whether any readers have had similar experiences. Do you have any nuggets of wisdom to help Mostly Hurt get past her pain?

So my advice is to keep looking until you find the Prince Charming whose sweet words match the real person inside. Have faith that he is out there and you will find him.

All the best and good luck,
Andrew

Do you have a relationship issue in your life? Write in and tell me what’s going on so your issue can be featured as a Dismaying Story. Comments can be anonymous and the identity of email respondents always remains confidential.

Fictional Relationships – Can Trust Stand Up?

Imagine your twenty-something boyfriend of several years has just slipped a beautiful diamond ring on your finger and you are thrilled! He is handsome, thoughtful, and everything you always dreamed your lifelong partner would be. His career as an IT professional at a Boston bank is taking off, and your future together couldn’t look brighter. You can’t wait to show the ring to your mother.

But before you can do so, he is arrested and charged with sabotaging the computers at the bank. Thousands of account holders have lost access to their funds. Your uncle, the bank president, is incredulous that you wouldn’t have known anything about it, and the FBI is sitting in your living room talking about the rock-solid evidence that proves your new fiancé is the culprit.

A flash drive containing malicious computer programs is found in his desk, with his fingerprints are all over it. Taunting emails to bank staff are shown to originate from his home computer. But he won’t own up to it. His excuse? Someone else must have done it. And set him up.

Oh please.

It doesn’t help that you and he are having this conversation through a Plexiglas barrier at the local jail.

The two of you have spent years building an unbreakable bond, a deep trust that you thought could withstand anything. But now the whole world is telling you — shouting at you — that the man you thought you knew so well has a dark side you never suspected.

How long can your faith withstand that type of assault? How many sleepless nights can you endure before your frayed nerves give out? How long until that shiny new ring starts to feel heavy on your finger?

This is the dilemma facing the lead female character in my new novel entitled Subprime. The book is a financial thriller that ties into today’s headlines about the ongoing mortgage crisis, and the chaos caused when one man decides he has finally had enough.

To me, fiction is most powerful when it taps into strong human emotions and puts relationships to the test. I am a big believer that life is mostly about the people with whom you spend your days. It’s about who you know and how you treat each other, especially when the crap hits the fan and stress levels go through the ionosphere. Subprime gave me the chance to explore some of the relationship issues we have dealt with here on To Love, Honor, and Dismay, and to do so in a tension-filled drama where entire futures are at stake.

Here is a brief synopsis of the book:

Young computer programmer Rob Donovan receives an emergency call from his boss at the First Malden Bank in Boston after the first successful cyberattack in American banking history scrambles thousands of account records. First Malden’s survival is on the line as furious customers and voracious reporters descend on the bank. Rob is part of the team trying to fix the damage, until the FBI charges him with the crime and brings his world crashing down. Facing prison time and the loss of his fiancée Lesley, Rob’s only chance of reclaiming his life lies in cutting through a web of mistrust and betrayal to uncover the startling truth behind the attack.

I am honored that novelist and financial industry analyst Norb Vonnegut has invited me to release the first chapter of Subprime on his popular blog Acrimoney. Vonnegut’s debut financial thriller is entitled Top Producer, and received wonderful reviews. His follow up book Gods of Greenwich is due to be released by Minotaur Books in April 2011.




Please accept my invitation to take a sneak peek at Chapter 1. I am interested to hear what you think, so feel free to drop back here and let me know.

Oh ... and if you happen to work in the publishing industry, I’d love to hear from you.

Happy reading!
Andrew

Do You Enjoy a Good Book Club?

I know I do, and I recently bumped into an online version that offers a non-stop series of interviews with deserving yet largely undiscovered authors. This site came to my attention when one of my colleagues was interviewed for his newly published novel. The host’s name is John Austin, and the interviews are featured on a number of radio stations in Florida and adjoining states.

ANCIENT ANGER is an adventure story by Tom Matthews. The action begins with the discovery in Mexico of an ancient rock carving that is apparently connected to the impending end of the Mayan calendar. The end of the Mayan calendar has long been thought to coincide with the end of the world. Ancient Anger introduces us to a mystical Padre who is the current protector of the Mayan destiny. Sparks fly when a couple of anthropologists decode the carvings and start poking around where the Padre wishes they would not. You can listen to Tom’s interview with John Austin by going to this site and scrolling down to November 4th.

Why (Most) Men Shouldn't Write Advice Columns

It seems "Dear John" won't be providing much in the way of serious competition for Dr. Phil.





Dear Readers,

Okay, so not all men are as dense as "Dear John" ... but is there a grain of truth in that men are sometimes less attuned to relationship issues than women? If so, is it an ability thing ... or just who is more interested in that sort of thing? What do you think?

Regardless of your opinion, I hope it gave you a chuckle anyway.

All the best,
Andrew

A Small Tribute

We are told that the tragic events of nine years ago today were precipitated when people associated with Al-Qaeda became angry over US involvement in the Middle East. The logic seems to be, "We want the US to change what they are doing, so we will strike out with aggressive, destructive action in the hope this will dissuade America from continuing." It seems clear that the response was increased involvement of the US and its NATO allies in the Middle East. The apparent stance is, "No way are we going to let the terrorists push us around. In fact, we're going to do our best to cut their feet out from under them." This is hardly the result the terrorists seemed bent on achieving.

The Al-Qaeda leadership could choose to use different tactics, such as diplomatic communication or publication of their concerns in the hopes that world opinion might influence US decision-making. Perhaps Al-Qaeda feels they are not powerful enough to make these strategies work, so they choose a course they hope will actually have an impact. Like I said above, they are creating an impact all right but the results so far don't seem to be the ones they are after.

We also deal with conflicts in our personal relationships, albeit on a smaller scale. Suppose your spouse does something you don't like. This could be anything, like the way your wife can't seem to get along with your mother or your husband's refusal to help get the kids ready for school in the morning. You're fed up with it and you want it to change, so what do you do? We could try any number of strategies, and I bet most of us have to admit to being aggressive at times. He won't help so you yell at him, tell him how unhappy you are and demand that he should start pulling his weight. Maybe you give him the silent treatment for a while, or angrily refuse his request to iron his shirt, making sure he knows the reason why. (And no, I don't think a wife should automatically iron her husband's shirts. Maybe he was running late and asked for a favor. This is just an example. Work with me here.)

What will his reaction be? A spouse with any spine at all will often want to show he has one. He doesn't want this type of dynamic to continue, so he will be highly motivated to NOT give in to your pressure tactics. The same would typically be true when a wife doesn't want to encourage her husband's aggression. The spirit of cooperativeness flies out the window and the whole situation can spiral downward.

Kind of like the history between Al-Qaeda and the US.

Let me be clear here; I am NOT implying that aggressive spouses act like terrorists. The scale of destructiveness is not even in the same ballpark. I draw the parallel to point out that the tactics used in both cases tend to be equally ineffective. I firmly believe that terrorism will always be a futile gesture because it is based on flawed psychological principles. The idea is to scare people into doing what you want. When you treat someone badly though (as the terrorists most definitely did on 9/11) the victim’s response is usually to push back, to become even more firm in their resolve not to give in to those tactics. If this doesn’t happen immediately, it will eventually.

The same is true when we strike out in anger towards the people in our lives, whether they are our spouses, children, friends or co-workers.

Perhaps there is a way we can all offer a small tribute to those who lost their lives nine years ago and in the conflicts that have taken place since then. Maybe we can learn a lesson and resolve not to use pressure tactics in our personal relationships. By communicating and negotiating instead, we can build up rather than destroy the spirit of trust and cooperation.

Love is a Verb!

I was re-reading a few Dismaying Stories from past posts and ran across this one, which is the most succinct question I ever received, as well as one of the most significant since it pertains to choosing a life partner.

Dear Andrew,

How do you know when a man really loves you?

Signed, Wondering

Dear Wondering,

I once talked with a man who was in the midst of a career change. He was moving to a new city for a couple of years, and then he would be assigned a position in yet another city. It was highly unlikely that this work would ever take him back to his hometown. He decided to make this move knowing that, for a variety of reasons, his wife and young children were staying in the hometown.

I told him that no career aspiration would ever be important enough for me to move away from my family, that I simply loved them too much. This made him angry. "You have no idea," he said, "how much I love my family!"

As I reflected on this conversation later, I came to the conclusion that he and I used the word "love" in entirely different ways. He was talking about the intense emotion he felt inside. Despite how he phrased his response to me, he was referring to love as a noun, as an inner feeling.

To me, though, love is a verb. It is expressed by our actions toward others. When I say I love my family, I mean that I do things for them in an effort to make their lives better. Sure, this results from those strong feelings I harbor in my heart, but by themselves those feelings have no impact whatsoever on the people in my life. It is only when I translate those feelings into action that my love has a chance to enrich those around me. I could simply adore my wife and children, yet if I abuse, ignore, abandon, or otherwise treat them poorly, what good would my feelings of affection be to them?

I interpret your question to mean: "How can I tell when a man really harbors a deep and abiding love for me in his heart?" (And by the way, the question is equally valid when asked by a man about a woman.) In other words, I believe you are asking about love the noun. My answer is that you will never -- can never -- experience this type of love directly. It will always be hidden from view. I believe you should be concerned with his actions toward you. How do his feelings translate into behavior? What do you experience as a result of being with him?

Does he do supportive things for you? Does he make you feel good about yourself and about the two of you as a couple? Does he let you know that he cares, or does he keep it inside and assume you should just know? Are you doing all the giving in this relationship, or do the concrete expressions of love flow in both directions? Has he learned what makes you happy and what stresses you? More importantly, does he make an effort to do the former from time to time, and to avoid the latter?

In other words, if he generally treats you well, what more do you need to know? And if he doesn't, then that may be all the answer you need.

Here is another possible interpretation of your question: "How can I tell if he loves me enough to stay with me forever?" Unfortunately, as in other areas of life, there are no guarantees in love. If he has proven himself to be a caring and giving individual, though, and he seems to love being with you, then hopefully there is a good chance that will continue. Talk with him about your respective views on marriage, commitment, and divorce. How does he react when people you know get a divorce? Again, there are no guarantees, and every relationship must withstand highs and lows. Hopefully you can get a sense of how committed he is to your relationship.

I urge you to resist the following thought: "I am not very happy with the way he treats me now, but I know things will be better once we are married." If you have had this thought, you should think seriously about whether this is the relationship for you. In the vast majority of cases, what you see now is what you will get later. Do not count on changing him (or her, if you are a guy).

Finally, this is just one way to approach your question. I bet many readers will have other ways to gauge how their partner feels about their relationship, and these approaches are sure to be equally as valid as my thoughts. Make sure you drop back and see what others have to say. Hopefully you will find a few nuggets amongst the collected advice that will help you in your own situation.

All the best,
Andrew

Twilight, Twilight...

...first star I see tonight. No, wait. That’s something different.

In response to a previous post, Twilight asked about the recent vampire craze in entertainment circles, citing the Twilight / New Moon / Eclipse saga as perhaps the most prominent example. (And no, there is no relationship between Twilight the blogger and Twilight the book / movie. I can attest the former preceded the latter.) I am flattered she asked for my take on the subject, so here goes.

Okay, we have a series of popular books, turned into a series of equally popular movies, featuring a young person who discovers a hidden world they never knew existed. This world involves supernatural characters with amazing abilities, danger, conflict, and some intense relationships. Of course I’m talking about ... Harry Potter.

Yes, in my view, the world of Hogwarts, Hermione, and Voldemort shares many characteristics with Bella and her heart throbs, vampire Edward Cullen and werewolf Jacob Black. In fact, one might think of the Twilight series as Harry Potter for young teen girls. They both involve wonder and amazement as a perfectly ordinary teenager is drawn into a fantastical world, finding both friendship and danger in equal measure, as evil characters try to kill them, and valiant characters with magical abilities band together to help good triumph over evil. These are elements that have been making for good story making since the days of The Wizard of Oz and Alice in Wonderland.

But there is one significant difference between Harry Potter and Twilight, which targets the latter at an older (and more female) crowd. The Hogwarts series is primarily about what it must be like to experience magic, while the core theme of the Twilight series is young love. Bella falls in love with a vampire, and he with her. However you slice it, this is forbidden love. Predator and prey. Vivacious teenager just beginning life, hooked up with an undead creature from a time gone by. The ultimate innocent who wants to fade into the sunset with a beau whose youthful appearance belies his true age and experience.

So what makes this work as a love story? That’s easy. We can find many themes straight out of the Harlequin tradition. I’ve already mentioned forbidden love. We also find out that Edward has incredible strength, powerful protective instincts, which he uses to protect Bella again and again. He can take care of Bella. And on top of that, this vampire is the sensitive type. He just loves to lie around in a field of daisies discussing his feelings.

Oh, and all the ladies in the theater gasped when Jacob first took off his shirt. That scene didn’t do a thing for me, but I’m sure it helped ticket sales. So we even have bodice ripping ... with a twist.

There is one part of the story, though, that makes me shake my head. You see, some of my family members like to relax to books on CD, and Twilight is one of the books I hear playing from time to time. I wince every time I hear this line (and forgive me for paraphrasing here): “He leaned in close and pressed his cold, marble lips to hers.”

That’s when I hear the ripping noise in my head, the sound of someone stopping a record by yanking the turntable needle roughly across the album’s surface.

Cold, marble lips? Are you kidding me? What hot-blooded young gal would get turned on by that? And even if the handsome face, manly strength, and caring nature had her hooked to begin with, what teenage relationship could survive the equivalent of kissing a cold, unyielding statue?

I happen to believe that Mother Nature has an incredible hold on our inner desires. When our internal fires get burning, we human types crave warm, moist, and soft. (And I know a hard man is good to find, but even the most ripped set of six-pack abs you ever saw is soft compared with a rock.) There’s a reason they call it steamy sex. So I don’t believe any teenage girl would be content for long with marble boy.

But here’s the great thing about fiction. I don’t have to believe it! The fun of reading a book or going to the movies is that we get to suspend disbelief and just enjoy the ride. I don’t believe in flying brooms or magic wands either, but I think the entire Harry Potter series is brilliantly conceived and realized. I can put aside my common sense and say “Okay, go. Thrill me!”

So in my final analysis, the Twilight stories and other recent vampire fiction are succeeding at capturing the wonder of millions. They are good entertainment. This is provable, since otherwise so many people wouldn’t enjoy them. My advice? Pop up some Orville Redenbacher’s, turn off that rational part of your mind that expects the world to make sense ... and just enjoy!