Dismaying Story #137: The Talkative Partner

Dear Andrew,

We've all heard the Golden Rule before: “Treat others as you wish to be treated.” Usually, I find this to be sage advice, however, I'm starting to get the feeling that this behavior is driving a wedge between me and my partner.

I prefer a more verbal communication style. I ask my partner to share his thoughts with me because it makes me feel like my partner trusts me and I feel like it gives me a chance to see a side of him no one else does; therefore, I try to role-model this behavior by talking about my innermost thoughts and desires in the hopes that it will encourage him to open up. My partner, on the other hand, seems to prefer a more silent approach, where hugs and kisses are supposed to communicate these deeper feelings. For example, about 15 minutes after having an argument, my partner pulled me aside, gave me a kiss, and said “I love you.” I later found out that he considered that an apology, but I was looking for an acknowledgement of his role in the argument and a clear-cut apology.

I recognize that my partner probably doesn't want to hear me babble on and would prefer a more reserved approach, but I also feel that if I stop role-modeling the kind of attention I want to receive, I will never get what I want. How do you reconcile differences in how you want to be treated?

Signed, Chatter Box

Dear Talkative One,

I can understand your desire to be with someone who fulfills your needs. We all want that. It seems, however, that the way you’re trying to achieve this isn’t creating the desired outcome. Let’s examine why.

For starters, I could interpret “Do unto others” somewhat differently in your scenario. You interpret it as communicating openly with him in hopes he will communicate openly in return. What you’re actually doing, though, is trying to change him. You’d like him to behave in a way that doesn’t come naturally to him. So if he were to treat you the same way you’re treating him, he would use his natural behavior (which he’s already exhibiting) in an effort to change you. He’d try to get you to adopt his communication style. That would likely result in an unproductive stalemate.

You’d like him to make you feel good, so the golden rule suggests you should find a way to make him feel good. As you’ve described it, however, your babbling is intended to satisfy your needs, not his.

Every person and every relationship evolves over time, so it’s natural – even necessary – to ask for change once in a while from our significant others. It’s generally a recipe for disaster, however, to enter into a relationship knowing you’ll only be happy once you’ve changed something fundamental about your partner. I’m not saying that’s what you’ve done, but you have to be careful about trying to change your partner’s basic personality. I get the sense you’re effusive and he’s more reserved. If so, you might as well accept right now that this will always be his general nature. No amount of asking, modeling, or pressuring will change someone’s core traits.

Here are a couple of questions you should ask yourself. Will you be happy only once you’ve changed his basic nature? Or will it be enough if he can learn a few tricks of the trade so he can fulfill your needs better? If it’s the latter, we can start think about how to teach him ways to accomplish that.

One of you has to break the impasse by taking the first positive step. I suggest you do so, for the simple reason that you can make that happen but you can’t choose for him to do so. One of the most effective ways to begin making changes is to first acknowledge your own role in how things have gone so far.

You mention using role modeling as a way to ask for change. That’s unfair to him, in a sense, because it requires him to guess why you’re acting that way. He could be forgiven for coming to the most obvious conclusion, which is that you’re sharing your inner thoughts because that’s what you naturally like to do. You could admit to him that your explicit objective in doing this was to encourage him to do the same, and then you could apologize for becoming frustrated with him when he didn’t take the hint. This is an example of what I mean by taking the first positive step. You start to ease any existing tensions by offering an apology.

Another well known chestnut is not to look a gift horse in the mouth. He offered you the gift of an apology after your argument. He did so using language that took a while for you to decode, but nonetheless he was sincerely trying to make up. Your response was to be critical of his gift. It would be good if the two of you can come together on how to state apologies so they work best for both of you. Since that hasn’t happened yet, your initial olive branch might include an apology for not being more gracious in accepting his attempt on that occasion.

Finally, I suggest you forget your strategy of hoping he’ll take your hints. Instead, simply flat out ask for what you want … but with a few caveats:

• Be conscious of putting a positive spin on your requests. Avoid saying things like, “I hate it when you’re quiet all the time.” Instead try this: “It makes me feel special when you share your innermost thoughts and dreams. Will you do that for me sometimes?” Rather than predicting failure if he doesn’t comply, predict great success that will come from the requested change.
• Don’t ask for more than he can deliver. Like I discussed above, asking him to change his fundamental nature is likely to end in failure.
• Be as specific as you can. Something like “Will you please be more talkative?” is too general, because it’s difficult for him to know specifically what he should do to make you happier. Instead, ask for something he can do right now: “It would make me feel better if you acknowledged your role in that argument. Will you please do that for me?” And by the way, that one works better if you’ve just finished acknowledging your own role.
• Avoid the dreaded C words – ‘can’ and ‘could.’ We men can be literal creatures, so a request like, “Can you tell me what you’re thinking?” is often interpreted as, “Do you have the ability to tell me?” You’re not questioning his capabilities; you want him to take action, so state it that way: “Will you tell me?”

I get the sense from your email that you and your partner have plenty of positive things going for you. His giving nature prompted him to proactively offer up an apology after your argument. You obviously care enough about the relationship that you’ve given the issues serious thought and have reached out for help. Hopefully you’ll find my suggestions helpful in reconciling your differences. I wish you the best of luck and I’d love to hear how things turn out.

All the best,
Andrew

Read More ->>

Question of the Week #29: How Well Do You Handle Criticism?

That moment when someone criticizes you. They might not even mean to do so, but the words are out there and the instantaneous flash of emotion has roiled up inside you.

This is one of those dangerous moments that can create all sorts of conflict between couples, friends, family members, co-workers ... you name a relationship and criticism is a great way to muck things up.

Or not, depending on how the two of you handle the situation. And this really is a matter for the two of you, because two related but entirely different skill sets come into play.

Let's suppose your significant other asks you this: "Hey Hon, what do you think of these shoes?" And let's further assume you don't particularly like those shoes. Which of these responses would be closest to your style?

• "They look great!" (Avoiding handing out a criticism, even if it means being less than truthful.)
• "Maybe ... what do you think?" (Does that fence hurt?)
• "Oh you know me, I really like your black shoes, so anything else just pales in comparison." (Trying to deliver the negative message so it sounds like a positive.)
• "You've always been terrible at picking out shoes!" (Hey, when you believe you're right, go in with all guns blazing. Hopefully you've got the divorce lawyer on speed dial.)

What if you're the one wearing the shoes and you got the message loud and clear - your partner thinks your ability to choose shoes sucks. Be honest now - how do you tend to react?

• You recognize the value of an honest opinion and are happy for the help.
• You feel an immediate flash of anger but you manage to stop yourself from responding in kind.
• "Oh yeah? Well what about those ugly brown things you always wear every time we go to your mother's?"

We're all human, so most of us manage to let criticisms fall out of our mouth from time to time, whether intentionally or otherwise. And it's easy for your feelings to get hurt when you're the one being criticized.

Are there are other factors for you too, such as whether the topic is something that feels particularly important to you? What if you're tired or already grouchy? How about if the two of you have been at each other's throats about other things just before the shoe debacle went down? Would you tend to react differently?

There are a number of actions that can reduce tension in situations like this, like making it clear you're doing everything you can to avoid giving offense, or offering a sincere apology. What have you found that works for when you need to calm the waters?

How important do you think this issue ranks in terms of factors that threaten the harmony of our relationships? I'd love to hear about your opinions and experiences.

All the best,
Andrew

Read More ->>

Dismaying Story #136: A Recipe for Emotional Healing

Dear Andrew,

I read Dismaying Story #100: Getting Past a Rape and it struck a deep chord within me. I grew up in an emotionally and physically abusive house and was kicked out when I was 13 by my brother’s father. (I am the oldest of three, each with different fathers). He kicked me out for eating his Oreo cookies. Mom moved me into an apartment across town where I lived by myself for several months. She would come by after work and check on me, then go back to his house with my brother and sister.

A man broke in one night and raped me. I don’t even know what color he was because he put a sheet over him, and then placed it over me. When I was about 15-16, the man I babysat for would bring me home at night, after first making a stop in a dark elementary school parking lot, where he would force me to perform oral sex on him while he touched me. This was a pattern repeated multiple times. He was very well-known in the community (still is), a successful businessman, handsome, well-liked, wealthy, married with two children. I couldn’t tell anybody, not even mom, because she thought he was so wonderful.

Another reason I couldn’t tell her was that she didn’t initially believe I was raped. My brother’s father would touch me inappropriately at various times and when I told her, she didn’t believe that either. She said I was imagining it. She wouldn’t have believed me about this other man either.

I am in counseling with a therapist who specializes in PTSD. He told me that I need to forgive, not for the rapists, but for me. Only thing is, I don’t know how to do that. I understand the logic behind his words, but that is all I understand.

The man who I babysat for is now 71, he was in his 40s at the time. Some years ago, I called the police and they said there was a statute of limitations and if I reported him, called him out, or in any manner tried to do anything about it now, this man could sue me for slander. There is so much hate and anger in me that I don’t know how to rid myself of it. Realizing that I am only poisoning myself doesn’t help me get rid of the violent emotions inside of me.

Is there some guidepost to forgiveness? Like I told my counselor, I am a great cook and can follow any recipe I find, but forgiveness is ethereal. There seems to be no recipe to follow. I can't grasp it in my hands, look at it, smell it, taste it, mold it, and so I don't know how to do it.

Signed, Feeling Trapped By My Emotional Pain

Dear Feeling Trapped,

First of all, I am so sorry for the pain you’ve had to endure, both in the past and also today. I haven’t lived through your experiences and so I can’t (and don’t want to) pretend that I understand what you’ve gone through. Only someone who has walked in your shoes can truly say “I understand.” It’s clear, though, that the events you describe are horrific. It’s no surprise that trying to heal from all of that is tremendously challenging.

I’m glad you’re working with a therapist, and one who has specialized credentials. I urge you to continue. No doubt you already know this, but just to be clear for anyone who might read this post: Any thoughts that I might offer should never be considered as an alternative to working with a professional. Nonetheless, you’ve asked for my help and I certainly would like to do whatever I can.

If you haven't already done so, I urge you to forgive yourself for whatever guilt you might still have regarding your role in the abuse. You did not cause it ... not ANY of it. There is no behavior that a teenage girl could do that would / should cause any type of abuse to come your way. You didn't invite it and you didn't deserve it, not in any way. None of it was your fault.

You asked about forgiveness. You want to rid yourself of hate and anger and violent emotions. Can someone in your position really decide to ‘forgive’ the hurtful people from your past, and therefore get past those emotions? And what does forgiveness mean in that context?

Some people find the word forgiveness disconcerting because we associate that word with an action directed at the tormentors. The meaning here is that you need to stop hating. You’ve spent so much time and energy on actively feeling the rage. It has consumed far too much of your life. It is horrible that those abusers and rapists ruined your past, so you need to find ways of preventing them from ruining your future as well.

No doubt your therapist has explained that this is not about absolving your abusers of their responsibility for hurting you. By getting past the hate, you are not accepting in any way that what they did is somehow okay. In fact, the process you need to go through has nothing to do with them. It’s all about healing you, and only you.

If I’m reading your letter correctly, the painful emotions have been ever present inside you for around thirty years, or even longer if we consider that you grew up in an abusive home. You’ve endured decades of negative thoughts and feelings. This is not just a set of events you need to get past; your entire lifetime has been characterized by the hate and anger. You’ve been conditioned over and over again to associate emotional pain with your memories. Every time you remember the past and feel the emotional pain, you become even more strongly conditioned to associate one with the other. Feeling the anger is not a choice you make, it’s a conditioned response … and an understandable one given what you have gone through.

I doubt very much if there is a single person on the planet who could get past that type of decades-long conditioning simply by deciding to do so. It would be staggeringly difficult to say, “Okay, as of this moment I won’t be angry at those people anymore.” Our brains just don’t work that way. It takes much more than that do undo the conditioning.

In short, this type of healing is a process, not an event.

The process starts with your decision to let go of the anger. This is a necessary step, but the decision itself is not what will lessen your anger. Instead, that decision is what starts you down the road to accomplishing a longer-term goal.

The fact that you are working with a therapist is a good indication that you have already decided you want this for yourself. I believe you are already on the road, although you may not recognize the signposts, nor where the road can take you.

Can you imagine a day in the future when the rage is gone? Or at least when it is reduced to some manageable level so you can proceed happily with your day? I bet that sounds like a tremendously tough thing to accomplish. After all, your experience so far has been that your anguish is never ending. Not only can’t you see the light at the end of the tunnel, you may not even be convinced that the tunnel HAS an opening at the end. It can be difficult to muster the courage to take the first step when the road ahead looks impossibly long.

So perhaps one way to get started with your healing process is to set a tiny goal that you have a good chance of achieving, and quickly.

What kind of goal? Well what you’re really after is to spend time without rage and hatred in your heart. Any amount of time you can spend like that is a victory. In psychological terms, each time you do that is a conditioning event where you start to associate ‘you’ with happy thoughts, rather than ‘you’ with anger. This is one way to start breaking the old familiar feedback cycle in your mind.

You can think of a conditioned response (your anger) as habitual behavior, which arises when you have certain thoughts. Right now this happens often. I’m sure you would like to reduce the frequency.

I happen to believe we don’t ‘break’ habits. Instead, we replace them with new behaviors. One starting goal you might set for yourself is to engage your mind in a more positive way. The idea is to make it so the negative emotions have no room to live inside you, even if only for a small amount of time. Maybe it’s half an hour. Heck, maybe it’s only five minutes.

The type of positive activity that will be effective for you is as individual as you are. Some people achieve inner peace through meditation or long walks. Others lose themselves in exercise or a creative activity like painting or sculpting. Perhaps talking with your therapist, a good friend or a support group allows you to spend some time basking in the light, keeping the dark at bay. Whatever turns out to work for you, each moment of peace is proof that you can exert some level of control over your situation, even if it is only briefly and even if the control is tenuous.

It’s a start. And we can even do better than that.

I’m going to take an educated guess that self esteem is part of the issue. How could it not be? Ever since you were young you’ve had people demonstrating how unimportant you must be. Your step-father valued a bag of Oreo cookies more than you. That forced your mother to choose which was more important to her, you or him. She chose him. The men who raped and sexually abused you clearly valued their momentary gratification more than your well being. Who could blame you for coming to the inescapable conclusion that you are not worth much?

Well let me tell you – those people were SO wrong. You are every bit as worthy and deserving of happiness as every other person on the planet. It’s important that you start to gain faith in this as part of your emotional healing. You need to recapture the feelings of self worth that those people did their best to steal from you. By discovering how great you really are, you will recover the lost treasure – you will recover yourself!

In my experience, the best way for you to discover how great you are is for others to show how much they appreciate having you in their life. That’s why I suggest you choose your positive activities with one word in mind – giving.

When we give of ourselves, we usually get back much more. I’m betting that will be ultra true for you. Here are some ideas you might consider.

Drop by an old folks home and spend some time reading to the residents. Many dog owners are shut ins, elderly, or workaholics … so take their dog out for some exercise. The next time you’re out with your girlfriend, tell her how glad you are that she is your friend. Help your co-worker meet her deadline, even when (especially when) it’s not your job to do so. Hold a door open for the person behind you.

The possibilities are endless, the opportunities are every day, and the payoffs can be tremendous. The personal satisfaction you gain will momentarily help to crowd out the hate. Each time you hear “Thank you” and “You’re amazing” – well, those kind words will start to erect protective barriers of self esteem. Over time those fences will make it harder and harder for the anger to find its way back in.

So that’s my recipe for forgiveness. Over time, find repeated opportunities to re-learn what an amazing person you are, crowding out the anger as frequently and in as many ways as you can.

Here are a few ingredients that are important for making the recipe work:

• Be patient. Don’t become discouraged if it seems like the process is taking a long time. You’ve spent decades getting to this point, so give yourself permission to spend whatever time it takes to help yourself.
• Don’t try to do it all alone. Look for help wherever you might find it, whether that’s with friends, professionals, books, online, wherever. Make use of whatever seems to work for you.
• Recognize that partial victories are still victories. Finding yourself angry from time to time doesn’t mean you are failing. If you can eventually hold the pain at bay enough so it’s manageable, that is still a huge victory.
• Expect to go through peaks and valleys. Don’t let the dark days convince you that the good days will never return.
• Celebrate your victories, no matter how small. Use them to help motivate you that gradual success is not only possible, it is inevitable!

On that last point, here’s one thing you really need to understand: You’ve already achieved several victories! Despite the tremendous hardships you’ve gone through, you’ve survived and become a person with some obviously strong life skills. You were able to recognize and admit your challenges, form a goal to find help, identify and obtain appropriate professional help, listen to and really hear his advice, and work hard to find a way to implement the advice. You communicate well and you’re clearly a problem solver. And I’m sure I’ve only scratched the surface.

I can assure you of this – you’ve already begun the process of healing and you’ve already achieved some significant victories. Take heart in that and keep going.

Again, I am so sorry for what you’ve had to endure. It is definitely possible to re-gain your happiness, and it sounds like you’re doing the right things to get there. Please know that at least one person in the universe is pulling hard for you to do exactly that!

All the best,
Andrew

Read More ->>

Foreplay That Really Works

Mark Twain popularized the saying that there are three kinds of falsehoods: lies, damned lies, and statistics. Twain realized it can be devilishly difficult to flush out the true meaning behind sets of numbers.

As a case in point, news organizations all over the world have recently been trumpeting the news of a paper published by lead author Sabino Kornrich in the current issue of the American Sociological Review. This study surveyed 4500 American couples to test the link between sexual frequency and husband’s participation in housework.

Prevailing wisdom for many years has been that men who roll up their sleeves and pitch in around the house are more likely to have appreciative wives who are less tired, less stressed out, and more likely to see their guys as sexually attractive. Several studies have supported this notion. For example, sociologists at the University of California, Riverside report the results of a survey involving 3500 American children and their parents. This work showed that “… wives interpret husbands’ domestic contributions as a sign of love and caring and are therefore more sexually attracted to their mates.”

As another example, in 2010 Constance Gager of Montclair State University published the results of a similar survey of 6800 American couples, which showed that wives and husbands who spend more hours in housework report more frequent sex.

Kornrich’s study suggests the opposite is true if the type of housework is taken into account. He asked husbands and wives what percentage of the work they did when it came to “core” housework (tasks more traditionally thought of as the woman’s responsibility, such as cooking and cleaning) versus “non-core” work (tasks more traditionally associated with men, such as mowing the lawn or household repairs).

The analysis found a negative correlation between the percentage of “core” tasks done by the men and the number of times the couples reported having sex in the previous month. In other words, couples where the men did more “women’s work” are the same couples who reported less sex.

This has resulted in some sensational headlines. Here are a couple of recent examples:

“More Sex Is In Store For Husbands Who Do Less Chores Around The House” blares the Huffington Post.

Yahoo! News puts it this way: “Want to have more sex? Men, stop helping with the chores”

Guys, take it from me – don’t you believe it! And I can explain why.

The news headlines above clearly imply that men helping with the chores causes less sex to happen. Various articles suggest such causal factors as the possibility that women might see their husbands as less manly if the guys do “women’s work.”

Sorry, but this is not what the research shows. You see, Mark Twain had it right. You have to be careful when interpreting statistical results.

The issue lies in the difference between correlation and causation. Let me illustrate with an example.

Let’s suppose we gathered statistics at various times on the height of the tide on a particular beach, as well as the position of the Moon as it moves around the Earth. We would, of course, find a correlation between the two. One conclusion might be that the movement of the water on our beach somehow causes the Moon to move into different positions in the sky. Scientists, however, tell us the opposite causal relationship is true; the Moon’s gravitational pull influences the tides.

The same issue arises with the correlation between helpful hubbies and how often they end up in the bedroom. Which one causes the other? Or are there other variables not included in the study that might somehow influence this correlation?

I can think of several possibilities:

• In marriages where sex is less frequent (for any number of reasons), perhaps the husbands are prone to try whatever they can to entice their wives, including helping out more around the house. (And it might be that the frequency of lovemaking would be even less without these efforts.)
• Couples who enjoy sex more frequently might also be the kinds of free spirits who are less picky about how clean the house is kept.
• The lower frequency of sex might occur in couples where the wives are more tired and stressed, which is also why the hubbies are stepping up to help out more.
• Guys who are secure in their marriage might be able to get away with helping out less without affecting the health of their relationships.

I could go on and on. The point is that there are plenty of possible reasons for the correlation. I understand why some folks might think the statistics imply the somewhat sensational idea that a husband who helps out is likely to inhibit the couple’s sex life. That causal relationship is simply not shown, however, by Kornrich’s research.

And notice I am not questioning the original research. Kornrich’s paper is valid, interesting, and published in a reputable peer-reviewed journal. My issue is with news headlines that imply marriages might be better off if husbands stick to more traditional household tasks. In my opinion, the exact opposite is true.

I should also point out how much “more sex” actually means in this case. Kornrich found that all couples taken together reported having sex an average of about 5.5 times in the month preceding the survey. Even for the most extreme case – couples where men do all of the “core” housework versus leaving all of it for the wives – the statistics predict a difference of only about 1.5 sexual interludes per month. While statistically significant, I’m not sure we’re talking about life changing differences here.

But here’s the biggest reason why I wanted to write this post. This is more to me than just a quibble over how to interpret statistics. My reasons have to do with you – the community of To Love, Honor, and Dismay readers.

Several articles have appeared on this site related to housework and supportive spouses. Readers have chimed in with a gratifyingly large number of comments and suggestions. The topics range from the effectiveness of traditional work sharing, how to ask your man for help, and this humorous look at the link between helpful hubbies and amorous wives.

Several messages have become clear in the course of this discussion:

• Many women could use more help around the house;
• Wives are not overly thrilled with this situation and have tried letting their husbands know about it, but with mixed results;
• Frequent stress over this issue is common;
• If this goes on long enough, many women give up and just stop asking; they figure if they’re going to end up doing all the work anyway, they might as well skip the arguments; and
• Guys who do help out are usually very much appreciated … and sometimes in ways the guys are likely to enjoy.

This sort of feedback is why I decided to write a book entitled Housework Harmony: How To End The Chore Wars So You Both Win, which is scheduled to be published in the next few months. It is also why men who want to improve their marriage (including their sex life) would NOT be wise to try doing so by letting their wives handle all the housework alone. I suspect that would tend to backfire in rather spectacular fashion.

So as my final response to all those headlines, I’ll leave you with the following reader feedback, which I gathered from earlier posts. My thanks to everyone for your continued support and participation!

All the best,
Andrew

Guys, here’s some “been there, done that” advice from a number of wives. You might notice there’s a certain consistency in the messages:

• “I can vouch for the fact that there is nothing sexier than a man loading the dishwasher, washing the floor or bathing and putting his children to bed. I mean absolutely nothing!”
• “My husband helps out because he wants me to feel appreciated, nay, cherished and it works! Some male friends don’t understand why he is always helping out but that may be because they are not around to appreciate the rewards he reaps when we are alone. ;-)”
• “I would leave a comment, but I’m due in the bedroom. You see DH did the dishes, helped with dinner, and did some handyman stuff, so ‘away we go!’ ”
• ”You are so right about the sharing of work being sexy and appealing! My hubby has taken it upon himself to share all the work with me once we are both at home in the evenings, and this works really well. Once the kids are in bed, we both can relax and unwind. Makes for a much happier marriage!”
• “When my husband’s in the kitchen, he’s the sexiest man alive. There is nothing more appealing than a man willing to put on an apron for the sake of a woman’s happiness.”
• “I wonder when men will figure out that if they help out more around the house, they will get lucky.”
• “My husband has figured out that if he helps his wife out around the home she is more likely to have sex with him instead of being too tired and stressed out!”
• “I always tell my husband, I think you’d look really sexy with a dish rag in your hand, or, I think it’s sexy when a man vacuums the floors. There were years when our sex life would have been so much better if he could only have taken the hint!”
• “I think a man in the kitchen is HOT! HOT! HOT!”
• “One afternoon my husband saw me trying to drag the dining room table outside to refinish it. After a moment he said ‘Hey, let me do that.’ I was more than happy to let him have a go. It was hot outside and after a few minutes he took his shirt off. I sat watching, fascinated because I saw muscles I never realized he had. Horny? You betcha. A few hours later, a little cold lemonade, a shower and, well, you all know where this is going.”

Read More ->>

The Next Big Work-In-Progress

Recently, Canadian Olympic medalist and literary novelist Claire Carver-Dias asked me to participate in The Next Big Thing blog hop and answer some questions about my current book-in-progress. So of course my first thought was, “Why didn’t Claire call me when she was invited to have lunch with the Queen of England?” Or at least she could have texted me afterward to let me know how it went.

I’m just saying.

Then I realized she was probably too busy trying to figure out which of the seven forks to use for the squirrel course so she didn’t have time to worry about us commoners back here in Maple Leaf Land. I decided to forgive her.

Which freed me up to think about this blog hop thing. Here’s how it works: I answer a few questions about my work in progress and then I link to some other authors who also happen to be bloggers. Personally I think it’s a ploy by the big publishers to keep all the authors busy so we won’t send them any more unsolicited manuscripts. Crafty devils.

What is the working title of your book?

“HOUSEWORK HARMONY: How To End The Chore Wars So You Both Win”

Where did the idea come from for the book?

A great big “Thank You” for this goes out to all the To Love, Honor, and Dismay readers over the years. Together we deal with a wide variety of relationship issues on this blog, but the posts that have consistently resulted in some of the most voluminous reader responses are those dealing with housework and supportiveness between couples. Hundreds of women (and also one lonely man who apparently had nothing better to do that day) have written in to talk about their frustrations, assumptions, horror stories, and success strategies when it comes to co-managing their family work. I couldn’t ignore the need and the interest.

In brief, what is the book about?

Housework Harmony is a relationship guide for couples who live with resentment and stress around how they share their domestic workload. This book uncovers the reasons why millions of couples struggle with this issue. The advice provides specific ways to change how the two of you interact so the bond between you can strengthen over time. Readers will see how to turn unintended hurtful messages into opportunities for building closeness, trust, and mutual respect.

What genre does your book fall under?

Relationship Self-Help

Which actors would you choose to play your characters in a movie rendition?

I was tempted to say this is a non-fiction book so this question doesn’t apply, but then I remembered that some daft Hollywood money mogul was desperate enough for a project that they made a movie out of He’s Just Not That Into You. (Oops ... did I type that with my outside voice?) So let’s see. Hmmm... Can’t you just imagine the tension in the scene where Michelle gets after her man?

BARACK: “Honey, have you seen my keys?”

MICHELLE (in obvious distress): “It’s no wonder you can’t find them, what with the state of this place. You’ve left your papers all over the living room again! It’s China this and Iran that. I’m sick of it! When are you going to clean this pig sty?”

Wowser! I’m already wondering what to wear to the Oscar night party.

Will your book be self-published or represented by an agency?

A few years ago John Talbot of the Talbot Fortune Agency represented my proposal for an earlier version of this book, so I believe there’s a good chance I could find representation. On the other hand it would be nice to first let readers express their level of interest via Amazon. That would give me a good indication of which approach is best for offering the book to the world. I guess time will tell which path I end up meandering down.

How long did it take you to write the first draft of your manuscript?

It depends how you look at it. I spent about three months gathering material and writing a first draft, but I wrote quite a bit of that material for this blog over a period of several years.

Who or What inspired you to write this book?

Surveys have repeatedly shown that housework is among the top three or four topics about which couples fight. It’s right up there with money, sex, and in-laws. This book is my way to offer some help.

What else about your book might pique the reader’s interest?

Don’t let the title fool you; this book is about foreplay that really works. No joke – that’s the title of one of the chapters.

-----------

All right, enough about me. As promised, here are a few author’s blogs you might wish to check out. They may or may not post answers to the above questions – that’s up to them – but regardless, their blogs are interesting places to visit.

Jacqui Brown provides a humorous and lively viewpoint on life, love, and belly fat, to name just a few of the many topics that have rolled off her keyboard. Her books provide a heartfelt look at some of her life experiences, such as dealing with addiction & recovery.

Rachel Hunter is a fantasy novelist and published poet who also gives back to book readers by featuring other authors on her blog.

Wendy Jones is a self-confessed bookaholic, book reviewer, and soon-to-be published author. Check out her blog and you’ll be sure to join the ranks of those waiting for Wendy to launch her debut novel.

That’s all I have for today folks. Thanks for dropping by!

Read More ->>

Insecurities and the Vacuum Cleaner Gene

This post is part of a continuing series entitled The Hunt for the Vacuum Cleaner Gene. Earlier posts include such topics as How Not to Ask Your Husband for Help, which looks at some of the natural tendencies people have when they try to ask for help from their spouse, and the follow-up post How to State a Request for Help, which examines several subtle variations of stating requests for help. This includes the hidden messages you should avoid delivering.

Today I look at how our personal insecurities can affect our willingness to ask our partners for help when we need it.

We’re all human, so we all have times when our personal insecurities bubble to the surface. Those are the instances when that inner voice speaks up and reminds us why we’re inadequate, unattractive, likely to fail – you can substitute your own worries and doubts here. We all have them in some form or other.

It doesn’t matter that the inner voice is one of the world’s greatest and most persistent liars. We still tend to listen from time to time because that voice is a crafty one. That is our scared and lonely inner child talking. She (or he) pipes up exactly when we’re least able to resist. Our insecurities start churning around in our mind precisely when we’re tired, anxious, under tremendous stress – in other words, when we are least able to resist the insidious message that we’re unworthy and somehow deserving of all the turmoil we’re going through.

Take as an example the exhausted stay-at-home mom who has just spent a whirlwind day trying to keep up with a toddler and a five-year-old, and now has to deal with hubby arriving home and wondering out loud why the lunch dishes aren’t washed and dinner isn’t ready yet. Or consider the working mother who feels pulled in five directions at once when she picks up the kids from their after-school daycare. She arrives home to face dinner preparation, homework, soccer practice, violin lessons, piano lessons, kitchen cleanup, and lunch preparation for the next day.

Every ... single ... day.

Tired? Check. Anxious? You betcha. Under tremendous stress? Please.

It’s only natural that this type of pressure is hard on a person’s self esteem. It can be difficult to feel good about yourself when you spend more time washing spit-up carrots from bibs than seeing your friends or going to the gym like you used to do. You feel isolated and you can’t seem to summon up the extra energy to do much about it.
Now ask yourself this. Do you feel worthy of a fair deal when it comes to asking for help around the house from your man? Or is your inner voice telling you that you’re lucky he even chose to be with you in the first place?

“I shouldn’t stir the pot,” you might say to yourself, “in case it causes trouble and I end up losing him. After all, it’s not so bad doing the work myself. I’ve been handling it so far. I can keep on going.”

Many new mothers give up their careers and their youthful figures, and now have an infant to support. This can translate into an unfamiliar and possibly terrifying feeling of vulnerability. Where would you and your baby be if he left you? You might feel like you’re in a weak position to negotiate. And if the two of you are among the many who’ve fought over housework, this could be exactly the type of touchy topic you feel the least like bringing up.

In other words, there are many ways that basic human nature and life circumstances conspire to make wives and mothers feel unworthy of a better deal. The truth is, though, you make an amazing contribution to your family. You are as deserving as every other person on the planet when it comes to being supported, appreciated, and cherished. There is no need for your insecurities to prevent you and your husband from enjoying a mutually supportive relationship.

Let’s talk about feeling vulnerable for a moment, because I’ve mentioned issues that can be huge in some relationships. Specifically I mean the mother who is seriously worried her husband might leave if she pushes for a better deal. If it’s true that asking your husband to be supportive will be enough for him to leave, your issues may be larger than can be dealt with by any series of online articles. You might need help of a different nature, such as marriage counseling.

And by the way, when a man is the sole provider for a mother and children, in my books he has absolutely no business holding that over her head when it comes to getting his way. I consider that to be abusive. Addressing that sort of behavior is also beyond the scope of an article like this.

In many cases, though, self esteem issues can get in the way of open and honest communication even when the couple’s respective fears are completely unfounded. After all, most husbands with a SAHM are working hard at their careers specifically to support their family, so their children can have the best care possible. Part of providing that care and support is for him to pitch in around the house too, not just at his job.

The approach suggested in this related post is designed specifically with these types of insecurities in mind. Rather than needing to raise tensions by pushing aggressively for change, you and your partner can create low-stress opportunities to make each other feel good about helping and being helped. One of the best ways to feel less vulnerable is strengthen your relationship. You can begin the process of achieving this by offering him opportunities to help, and then letting him know how much you appreciate him as your support hero.

You can have a fair workload sharing arrangement in your home, and don’t let anyone (including yourself) tell you otherwise. Future posts will continue to provide ideas for how to achieve this.

Read More ->>

Announcing My Debut Novel

For some time now To Love, Honor, and Dismay readers have been encouraging me to write a book. I am happy to announce that my debut novel is now available as a Kindle eBook, entitled Unauthorized Access. At its core, this is a story about a good old-fashioned love triangle, with plenty of suspense and action thrown into the mix. The book will appeal to readers of Grisham, Baldacci, Patterson and the like. I've included the back cover image below so you can see the cover copy that describes the story.

Unauthorized Access is a thriller, which makes it quite different from the type of content we normally deal with on this blog, however I have good news on that front as well. I am currently working on a series of self-help and motivational book projects, which include material directly related to the relationship issues dealt with again and again on To Love, Honor, and Dismay. This includes conflict over sharing housework, special occasions, feeling worthy in your relationships, gaining commitment in your relationships, and much more. I will keep you informed as there are new developments on this front.

For now, I hope you get a chance to look at Unauthorized Access. It is available today on Kindle. I am also working on releasing it on iTunes, Kobo and other platforms. Please take a moment to drop back here to let me know what you think -- I'd love to hear your opinion!

All the best,
Andrew

Read More ->>