Question of the Week #19: Relationship Resolutions

Should auld acquaintance be ... um, better?

Happy New Year everyone! There is really only one question that makes the most sense to ask this week; I'm talking about New Years relationship resolutions.

My theory is that nobody is perfect, so striving to improve is a healthy thing for all of us. Is there someone with whom you would like to get along better in some way? What could you resolve to change about your own behavior that might improve one (or perhaps all) of your relationships? Or maybe you're not sure what specific behavior changes might help, but there is a result you'd like to achieve. If so, let us know. I'll come clean with a relationship resolution of my own next week, along with a roundup of favorites from among yours.

And as a bonus question this week, consider this: To Love, Honor, and Dismay will soon publish the 100th Dismaying Story. This is due in large part to the continuing contributions of all you Faithful Readers, for which I am constantly thankful. Do you have any ideas how we could celebrate this milestone?

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Question of the Week #18: Holiday Togetherness

Family time. Togetherness. Celebration. Those sound like the sorts of things that should help strengthen relationships over the holidays, don't they? A relaxing evening with a glass of bubbly. A romantic interlude next to the fire, with the Christmas tree lights blazing nearby. It's almost a Hollywood cliché for how to get people to bond with each other.

Or you could think about the relatives who don't see much of each other through the year, but are now thrown together in close quarters for a few days. Is it any wonder family tensions sometimes erupt? Then there is the stress of all the preparation, making everything just so, working hard and traveling far to meet expectations and live up to your family's holiday traditions. Yours wouldn't be the first set of nerves to be frayed from staying up late because of "some assembly required."

What is your experience? Pick one of your relationships, perhaps with your significant other or your parents, and consider this: Do the holidays bring you closer together? Or does the hectic activity create extra stress between you? And what could people do to make it more of the former and less of the latter?

I'm looking forward to hearing your thoughts. I'll post a few thoughts of my own along with my favorite comments next week.

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Dismaying Story #90: Circumventing Mom's Values

Dear Andrew,

I know tons of moms facing this issue. Maybe you can give some insight on how to handle this for the holidays, and it will work for the kids' birthdays and such also.

My husband and I are trying to live simply. We don't buy electronic toys for our children, and we try to avoid plastic "crap," violent toys/movies, and all the princess stuff. Problem is, my family doesn't understand this. They continue to give toys that I have told them are inappropriate for our values. We have told them we don't do these kinds of toys, we have offered suggestions, but to now avail. I even have one that insists on giving my 5 year old makeup and high heels! What can I do to keep the peace, and not have to fill my home with this stuff?

Signed, The Peacekeeper

Dear Peacekeeper,

The toys are not the main issue here. Your main problem is that virtual badge you have pinned on your own chest, proclaiming yourself to be Deputy Keeper of the Peace for your extended family. I have said this before on this site; once you get married and have children, they are now your main family and your primary concern.

In this case there is a conflict between the values you wish to use within your own household and the values of your extended family. You have to remember that it is your house and they are your children, period. It is up to you and your husband and no one else to decide what is appropriate for them to own. Inform your family members that if they give inappropriate gifts to your children against your wishes, you will return the gifts to the giver. (Or you will throw them out, or you will put them in permanent storage in a basement closet, your choice.) Tell them that they now know the ground rules, so they will be responsible if your kids are disappointed about having to do without a gift after opening and seeing it.

And you have to follow through on your promise, with absolutely no exceptions, regardless of the giver.

You have to realize that they are the offending party. These are your children, and your family members are trying to impose their own will on how they should be raised. Stick to your values. Your family members may test you on it, and they may grumble or complain when you keep your promise, but this strategy will stop the problem.

If your family members raise huge waves over this, then that is a bad reflection on them, not you. It means they don't respect your rights to raise your own children as you see fit. Again, you are in the right here.

In other words, you have to stand up to your family members and to heck with the consequences. Stop worrying about keeping the peace. That desire is leading you to be manipulated by your family. They will learn rather quickly that you have developed a backbone on this matter and they will toe the line, because they will hate it even worse that they end up giving no gift at all to your children.

Here is another way to think about this. You have developed those values for a reason -- because you believe that violating them will prove harmful to your children in the long term. Until now you have been acting as if the feelings of your extended family members are more important than the well-being of your children. If you step back and look at it from this viewpoint, I bet you will agree that this may not be the best way to balance those priorities.

Unpin that imaginary badge and your problem will disappear.

All the best,
Andrew

There have already been several amazing responses to this week's Question of the Week about domestic violence and young people. Take a moment to review the comments and leave one of your own.

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Dismaying Story #39: To Ask or Not to Ask?

Melli asked me to consider the following question posted by TC, who maintains a blog called Twisted Cinderella's Almost Happily Ever After. TC writes:

Dear Andrew,

Do you know those girls? You know, the ones who wait quietly to see if their husband will remember their anniversary (or birthday or fill in other big important event here). She sits quietly simmering ready to pounce on him for forgetting something she has been thinking about and waiting on for days or weeks. And then he forgets, she pounces, foot tapping, arms crossed, face red . . . HOW DARE HE FORGET????

But . . . she remembered. She knew that he would probably forget. She knew that if he remembered he would do something nice for her. So, why play the game. Why not just remind him a few days in advance or even that morning? The way I see it, I would rather have a lovely anniversary that I reminded him about that he went and did something special for, than an anger-filled anniversary that I could have prevented with a few simple reminders.

I think some girls like catching their men in the act of showing that they don't care as much as the girls do. I think that is malarkey. Some guys just don't remember dates. It isn't a big deal if you don't let it be one. Isn't being with someone about more than his memory? If you remind him and he does something special, should that act feel marred in some way because you had to remind him it was coming up?

See I don't think so. What do you think?

Signed, TC

Dear TC,

I can understand both points of view on this issue, so let's look at it from a few different directions.

First I'd like to examine this poor guy you describe, the one with a terrible memory for dates. Perhaps a simple test or two could help diagnose what is going on. Pick one of his special interests. Is he into hunting? Ask him when hunting season begins. Or maybe he is a baseball or football fan. What are the chances he knows what time of year the playoffs start? I'll go way out on a limb and predict he'll be able to answer those questions easily. More than that, I bet those topics will be on his mind as those dates approach. He will remember those dates are coming up soon.

This isn't about his interests, though. You asked about those special occasions most of us like to acknowledge, like birthdays and anniversaries. Okay, take that same husband and ask him the date of your anniversary. Maybe a few truly hapless souls out there won't know (and if this applies to you ... GO FIND OUT!) but almost all husbands will be able to dredge up that date from memory. The same goes for your birthday; he knows it. So why is it so common for those dates to approach unnoticed in the minds of so many husbands?

The answer seems to be that all those irate wives have a point; many women actually do care about special occasions more than their men do. Who knows why this is; the Mars versus Venus phenomenon comes into effect here. He doesn't remember because he simply doesn't attach the same degree of importance to birthdays and anniversaries that you do.

I argue, though, that a lack of excitement about anniversaries does not indicate a lack of caring about you or your marriage. Many guys are deeply in love with their wives but still rank anniversaries right up there on the Ho Hum scale. If you want a guy like this to make a big deal out of the occasion, you must realize he will be doing so primarily for your benefit. You are asking him to do something nice for you. I agree with Twisted Cindy in the sense that it is unreasonable to expect hubby to "care" about your anniversary the same way you do. You might as well ask him to share your enthusiasm for clothes shopping or home decorating. Like it or not, some interests tend to be split along gender lines.

Of course, the guys also benefit from the celebrations. Many times he will end up enjoying the dinner (or party / trip / whatever) and these occasions can be important for creating those special memories that bond the two of you even closer together. Will he realize this ahead of time, though, and be as excited as you? Many guys will tend not to be.

Is it reasonable to expect that our partner "should just know what I want"? This is a common lament. Somehow it feels less romantic, less special to receive a nice turn if we have to ask for it. This can apply not only to gift giving occasions, but also "knowing" what restaurant we would like to go to tonight, what feels good in bed, and so on.

To me, this boils down into "the first time" versus "all the other times." It is silly to expect your partner to be a mind reader the first time a particular issue comes up. Let's say you have been married eleven months. Your first anniversary is coming up and you are excited about it. This is a big deal to you. You go out and buy him a moderately expensive gift and you have hopes that he will make reservations at an appropriately swanky restaurant, or perhaps you are even hoping for a weekend out of town. This is so obviously a big occasion that you don't discuss it with him; you trust him to realize this on his own.

In many cases that would be a mistake. How can you expect the two of you to be on the same page if you haven't talked about it? Here is my first guideline: When it is the first time, talk about your expectations. Work out a common ground between the two of you so both partners know what is expected of them and what they can expect from the other. It might seem less romantic, but you are setting yourself up for disappointment if you expect him to (a) be a mind reader, or (b) have exactly the same likes and dislikes as you.

Then there is the issue of recurring occasions. Is it reasonable to expect him to remember from the second time onward? Yes, but only if you have discussed your desire for him to remember and he has agreed to take on that responsibility. That is my second guideline: The issue of remembering special occasions on an ongoing basis is a separate topic and should be discussed explicitly. This remembering doesn't seem all that important to Twisted Cindy, and that's fine for her. Go ahead and remind him, hopefully when there is still time to make suitably lavish arrangements. Other women, though, feel special when their husband cares enough to remember on his own. That is an understandable desire and a reasonable thing to request from your partner -- to request, not simply to expect without ever discussing it. Ask him to put the dates in his day timer if he has to, or put a big calendar in his workshop. If you explain how important it is to you and he is truly a caring husband, he will find a way.

This is similar to Dismaying Story #28: Care, Give, Repeat. This was about a woman who wants her husband to put a little effort into making special occasions special. In this case they had the explicit discussion; she asked him to remember a few specific occasions. It was a matter of explaining to him how important the issue was to her and asking him to give her the gift of caring and remembering.

What if you go through all that and he STILL doesn't remember your anniversary? I think a certain amount of toe tapping and arm crossing would be in order. She would be justified in feeling disappointed because he didn't live up to his end of the bargain.

Finally, TC suggests that some women might want an excuse to give their man a hard time. This can happen, and tends to be tied into low self-esteem. The cycle goes like this:

• I feel bad about myself, so I fear I will be treated badly. I am constantly examining his behavior, looking to see if he is doing so.
• When something upsetting happens, I feel personally attacked. I am certain part of the cause is that others perceive me as unworthy. So I attack, feeling completely justified in "defending myself."
• He is still here after the argument. He may have even apologized. This proves I have nothing to worry about, at least for the moment. My fear is temporarily fed and I have been reassured.
• Before long, however, my typical self-doubt thought patterns re-assert themselves and the cycle is ready to start anew.

Some women do get a "fix" of reassurance in this way every time they complain about how they are treated by their husbands.

This pattern is destructive to your relationship and in some cases can turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy. He feels badly about your attacks and may react poorly. He might sulk or be less anxious to attend to your needs, passively objecting to the attacks. You resent his behavior, feel that he is treating you badly, and on you go. Such a pattern can even end in divorce.

I doubt, however, that this is the most common reason why women choose not to remind their husbands about upcoming special occasions. The simpler and more likely explanation is that many women expect men to care about the occasions in the same way they do. A more reasonable approach seems to be to recognize your differences and discuss your desires explicitly.

All the best,
Andrew

Do you have a different opinion about this issue? As always, I welcome your emails and comments.

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Care, Give, Repeat

Dear Andrew,

You know how when married or long-term couples talk to new couples about the courting phase in the relationship? The phase where everything is wonderfully romantic, sexy and polite? The established couples warn the newbies about how he's only like that when he's courting. Well, for me, it's true.

When I first met my husband, he was so thoughtful, romantic and engaging. After we got married, that period of romance lasted about six months. Ever since then I get remembered when he wants to have sex.

I've planned all of our date nights, anniversaries, and birthdays, otherwise we'd just sit at home all the time. Frankly I'm feeling a bit taken for granted. We've talked about my need for romance and feeling special, and his response is he's just not a romantic guy. Ok, fine.

I established with him only 5 days a year where I feel he needs to make the extra effort - Christmas, New Years, our anniversary, Valentines Day and my birthday. Not once in the last two years has any of these had any special-ness to them. His idea of planning ahead for one of those days is to buy the gift certificate the morning of, after I reminded him about it, so he has something to give me later in the day. I know we need to talk about this again but I don't know how to go about it so that I make sure he understands my need and he doesn’t feel defensive.

Signed, Is It So Much To Ask?

Dear Is It,

I'm pretty sure I know what's going on here and I've devised a questionnaire you can fill out to test my theory:

1. Say you want your bedroom painted. The colors are faded with age and don't match the new bedspread. He is more likely to:
a) Figure out on his own that you would like the room painted, suggest the two of you go to the paint store so you can pick the color, decide on his own initiative which day he will get the job done and actually follow through on his plan.
b) Ignore any subtle hints about the need to paint. Instead, let you pick a painting day and cajole him into stepping up.
c) Withstand in silence your repeated requests to paint, until he finally starts looking under "P" for Painter in the yellow pages.
d) Marvel at the hand prints he can make on the wall while you paint the room.

2. It's a typical weekday morning at your house. Everyone is running five minutes later than they'd like to be, as usual, and the kids' lunches still need to be made. (If you don't have children, just use your imagination -- work with me here!). He would:
a) Have the lunches made by the time you arrived in the kitchen, even though you never mentioned it.
b) Happily make the lunches, but only if you ask him to do so.
c) Sigh and make the lunches if you insist.
d) Complain that you put more Tootsie Rolls in Suzie's lunch than you did in his.

3. Your husband decides to rekindle his childhood interest in fishing.
a) You can tell he is interested but you have to convince him it's okay to take some time for himself occasionally.
b) He buys a simple fishing rod at Kmart and heads to a nearby stream on a semi-regular basis, but only when there's nothing much going on at home.
c) A fancy rod and full tackle box appear in the hall closet. His desire to take off most weekends starts interfering with other things that need to be done.
d) The shelves in your garage are suddenly loaded with the Binford 2000 series of sonar fish finders and nuclear fish de-boners, though these items are never there on the weekends or Wednesday evenings because your husband has them out on the lake.

As you can probably tell from these questions, I believe your issue is about more than just romance.

It is normal for you and your husband to care about different things. Decorating the bedroom is important for you, while he could live with the ugly beige forever. He'd like a big-screen TV for the rec room so he can watch the football games in style; you'd be perfectly content with a less expensive 19-inch model. In strong relationships, both partners care about the other's happiness. They each truly hope their spouse will have what they want in life. When there is a conflict, they look for win-win solutions as much as possible. Sure, you look out for your own needs, but compromises tend to be found more easily when both people are also interested in the needs of their partner.

In your situation, it seems your husband's needs for companionship and closeness are more easily met than your own. He is happy to simply hang around with you on a regular basis, with the occasional bit of intimacy thrown in. As you've described, you want and need more. Both sets of needs seem normal and reasonable to me. The issue is how you respond to them as a couple.

When he says, "I'm not a romantic guy," he is also saying, "Since this is something I don't need, I'm not going to bother taking care of it." In a sense it's like that bedroom you want painted. This is one of your desires, not his, so it is less likely to make his priority list.

Of course, the romance did rank high on his list for a while, back when it was new and exciting. He wanted something very much (that would be you, which is a good thing) and he was willing to put in the effort to make it happen. This just shows he is not lacking the romance gene. Instead the problem is a lack of motivation. He no longer perceives the romance to be as important.

I think you have recognized that his needs in the romance department are different from your own. You have acted on that knowledge in a giving way by allowing him to ignore the issue for most of the year. You have also asked him to step up on certain occasions, which means you have tried to look out for your own needs. By looking for middle ground and offering a compromise, your actions line up well with the sort of ideal approach I discussed above.

Your husband, though, could use some remedial help if he hopes to achieve a passing grade in Caring & Giving 101. He must realize that your desire for loving and recognition is not some frivolous thing; your needs are real and tremendously important. They are important because the bond of closeness between the two of you will never be as strong as it can be until they are met. This part is about being empathetic, being able to view the world through someone else's eyes and realize that viewpoint matters.

Then he must move beyond realization to the point where if something is important to you, that is enough to make it important to him. You want him to care about you, which means caring about what you need.

Finally, it's not enough for him to carry all those warm and fuzzy messages around inside. He must care enough to actually do something about it. That includes taking the initiative without being prompted or reminded. This is true whether we're talking about painting the bedroom, supporting you in your decision to take that Monday evening creative writing class, or bringing home flowers once in a while just because he thinks you are special.

Such behavior is not innate; it is something we learn to do, that we choose to do. Your husband has not yet fully stepped up to the level of caring and giving that can make a relationship so rewarding for both partners. He can do it -- we all can -- but so far he has chosen not to do so. I don't blame you for feeling like you are taken for granted.

Okay, so what can you do about it. There are at least two approaches you could try. One is simply to be honest and up-front. Explain your position in as even-handed a way as you can. You realize he doesn't understand how important your needs are in the caring and giving department. Tell him why your needs truly are important, not just for you but also for the two of you. This "why" part is critical; he must be sold on that or he is unlikely to change.

Then state as simply and as specifically as you can what you want him to do. Avoid saying general things like, "I want you to be more supportive." Such generalities often leave guys feeling frustrated, like they don't know what they're supposed to do. Get specific on the man, even if it means repeating what you have already told him. "I want you to put in some effort. That means remembering my birthday is coming (put it in a day timer if you have to), figuring out what I would like (ask if you need to, but don't wait for me to bring it up), buying it ahead of time and without being reminded, wrapping it and delivering it on time." Be firm without being argumentative. This is what you need and you want him to step up. As we have seen from the comments in response to the last few Dismaying Stories, simple honesty is often the best way straight through a problem.

Unfortunately many obstacles can trip you up along this road. You are correct to be concerned about possible defensiveness on his part. No matter how nicely you try to state a request for change, it can be easy to sound like you are criticizing, blaming and demanding. Most people hate being told what to do, and will dig in their heels stubbornly when made to feel that way. Obviously you would like to avoid that.

Other potential land mines include his fear of the unknown. When you start asking for change, he is unsure exactly what these changes will entail. What if this is going to mean a lot of extra work on his part? What if he hates it? The prospect of change can be stressful by itself, prompting many people to get busy proving why things are just fine the way they are, thank you very much.

To avoid all of this, another approach you might try is to gradually show him that good things come from being caring and giving. (This is a topic we will get into in depth as The Hunt for the Vacuum Cleaner Gene progresses.) Catch him giving to you or the kids in any way you can (even if it's only taking out the garbage) and show him how much you appreciate that sort of thing.

Ask him to give in small ways, tasks that are less of a stretch for him than being proactive about Christmas. Do you find yourself taking care of all the little things that need doing around your house? Well maybe you ask him to run and get the milk once in a while. Remember the Permission Paradox and, again, show appreciation whenever he steps up. Over time he should begin to understand and trust what your reaction will be to this sort of thing. It will likely be easier and easier for you to ask him to care and give in larger ways. Eventually the idea of giving in the romance department should feel like less of a stretch for him.

Finally, perhaps some of the Faithful Readers have had to deal with similar issues. How about it folks -- can any of you suggest an approach that worked for you?

Hopefully the end result will be a husband who gets it ... and acts accordingly.

Best of luck!
Andrew

P.S. I have this sudden urge to go check out one of those atomic-powered fish thingies.

Is something missing from your relationship? Tell me about it and your submission just might end up as a Dismaying Story.

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Vacation Memories

Today I received another entry in the Vacations and Families and Couples, Oh My! series. Thanks go out to Trace, who maintains a blog called Tracing My Steps. She writes:

We took our kids to the beach yesterday - one we'd never been to. And while I was there, I thought about how much our vacation time helps me to think about the things that I cherished as a kid. So yesterday, I spent lots of time reflecting on my own beach memories. My parents never took us to the beach locally, my dad worked crazy hours and so we had a pool in our backyard to keep us cool. But my grandparents lived in FL and going there to visit was always the highlight of my year. My grandmother and I were very close. When I get out of my car at the beach, the smell of the sea air immediately reminds me of her - our early morning beach walks, her sea shell collection, the way she plastered me with sun tan lotion, the lessons she taught me about life. I'm so grateful for the way the beach reminds me of her.

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