Dismaying Story #86: The Designated Driver

Dear Andrew,

I am the oldest child in a large family that has seen a lot of instability and destruction in the past decade. My mother suffers from debilitating alcoholism and my father from equally destructive addictions. However, I have a healthy lifestyle, happy marriage, a college degree and a successful career — and I wish the same for my younger siblings.

One of my little sisters in particular has impressed me. She beat several odds (including placing a baby for adoption at the age of sixteen) to go from high school to college as seamlessly as possible. However, I recently learned that my sister is dating a total jerk, eight years her senior, with whom she is sexually active (despite her reform to premarital abstinence). She's flunking out of her first semester of college courses, and worst of all, drinking. She gave up her baby to avoid our mother's outcome, but she seems to be heading that way anyway. Perhaps that sounds extreme, but I believe that in our family, the difference between stability and alcoholism is little more than that first drink.

I've made a bad habit of wanting to "save" my mom and my siblings in the past, acting like a parental figure — taking them under my wing, moving in with them to help out at home, even having my sister come live with me this past summer to prepare her for college. When I see my sister compromising her values (again!) for some guy she says she doesn't even like, throwing away her hard-earned chances at an education, and experimenting with a substance she's genetically predisposed to become addicted to, my first instinct is to take over her decisions for her. I want to become the Designated Driver for her life.

I can't decide where to draw the line between helping her and watching her learn the hard way. I feel that "doing it for her" robs her of the refining fire experiences and the valuable learning curve that molded me into the person I am. I know my sister will listen to me if I talk to her. With this sort of influence, however, it's important to me that I have the right approach.

I suspect that her lack of motivation and self-respect may be a sign of depression. She is genetically prone to that as well, although I've never really noticed it in her before.

What should I do?

Signed, Designated Driver

Dear Designated Driver,

You are right to be concerned about your sister, and there is nothing bad about wanting to help her. Taking over the reins of her life may not be the only answer, though.

We all learn by observing the world around us, and it sounds like your sister witnessed many years of your parents displaying severely compromised life skills. In such circumstances it may not be surprising (though it is sad) when a young person starts making bad decisions of their own.

Like it or not, statistics tell us that it is common for college-age people to experiment with drinking and sex. For some this amounts to a natural transition into adulthood, while for others this type of behavior can lead to drastic consequences. Three signs of trouble concern me In your sister's case. The first is the pregnancy, which can happen to anyone when sex begins, but is nonetheless a sign that she was not able to successfully navigate through that particular patch of potential trouble. Then there is the older boyfriend. While age gap relationships can be made to work, they are uncommon and fraught with issues, so this also serves as a red flag. One of the issues, as you mentioned, is that sex for an older guy may be normal, whereas it may be more emotional baggage than your sister can handle right now.

The third issue for me is the fact that she is failing her college courses. As a university professor I have worked with thousands of college freshmen. In all those cases I have yet to see a student fail because of lack of ability. If they have the high school marks to be admitted, then they have the brain power to succeed. The issues are always around lifestyle and work habits. If your sister were applying herself to her studies, then she would be passing, it's as simple as that. She has lost sight of what is important right now (her studies) and has instead fallen into a destructive pattern of focusing on other things, which likely means partying with her boyfriend and other friends.

I have friends who are alcoholics, so I acknowledge there are many people for whom one drink is too many. That may indeed be the case with your sister, I don't know. What I do know is that I hear "drinking" and "failing courses" together. She has proven she can't handle both at the same time.

So what can you do about all this?

Should you treat her like an independent adult? Let her sink or swim on her own? Allow life to teach her some harsh lessons? I don't think so. First-year college students like to think of themselves as all grown up, but after working with them for over twenty years I can tell you they are usually not done maturing. She is too young for you to abandon her to the wolves.

Should you try to yank her out of college and protect her by sheltering her in your home for a while? That seems to be an over-reaction. She has to continue to strive, to live her life.

Happily, those are only the two extreme approaches. What about the other 99 percent of the options open to you? Since you say she will listen to you, I would sit her down and have a heart-to-heart chat with her. Start by convincing her that you are correct to be concerned. See if you can get her to agree that not all is well in her universe. Bring up the issues you mentioned in your letter, and try to be supportive rather than accusatory when you do so. Rather than acting exasperated and demanding to know "Why are you going back on your intentions?", ask her gently what she hoped to accomplish at college. Persist at this, even if she claims not to have any goals. Ask what any college student should be trying to achieve, such as building a foundation for her future. Then ask her whether she believes she is doing so.

You must stay with this step until you get her to buy into the idea that she has problems. You may or may not get agreement on all the issues (coursework, older boyfriend, sex, and drinking) so you will have to use some judgment as to when you think you have made enough progress to move on. You can talk again another time; it doesn’t all have to get done in one sitting.

Once she acknowledges there are issues, then you can move on to discuss potential solutions. Teenagers usually hate being told what to do, so I suggest you use the approach of asking for her ideas first. The answers may seem obvious to you (e.g. break up with the boyfriend) but are likely to be far less so to her. After all, she has made her current decisions for reasons that make sense to her. If the boyfriend is less than an ideal match, it is highly likely she believes she can't do any better. "No one else would want a loser like me, someone who has already had a baby and has parents like mine and can't even pass a few college courses." I would bet money that she has thoughts like these, so the prospect of dumping him will seem stressful. The thought of being alone may seem worse than the status quo. You need to recognize the underlying factors and patiently help her to see the truth, that she is worthy and doesn't have to settle in life.

Talk to her. Be her coach. Help her work through the issues behind her poor decision-making, and then cheer her on as she starts to take halting steps in healthier directions. That way you haven't abandoned her to life's cruel lessons, nor have you stolen her opportunity to experience and grow.

If none of that has any effect, and if her life continues to spiral downward, then the time may come when a more intrusive intervention makes sense. It doesn't sound, though, like you are at that point yet.

I wish both you and your sister good luck.

All the best,
Andrew

Read More ->>

Dismaying Story #60: As If the Loss Is Not Enough

Dear Andrew,

My mother-in-law and I don't get along well at all, especially now. I married my husband just over one year ago. We moved away and had a beautiful baby girl seven weeks ago. Our life seemed to be going well. Of course there are ups and downs but who doesn't have those.

Here is part of the problem. My mother in law didn't really seem to approve of her only child marrying me. My husband has had mental issues in the past and has become a fairly heavy drinker since high school. We would fight about it almost all the time, as I didn't want my child to have an alcoholic father. His mother thought I was just being a nag.

Now, when our child was only 3 weeks old, my husband and I had a fight. He took off drinking and driving (something he never ever did) and ended up totaling our vehicle, and hurting himself quite badly. He just woke up from a vegetative state in the last week. His mother blames me. She thinks I was on his case again for drinking. And, in this situation, is it any wonder why I always tried to get him to cut down? She still won't speak to me, and now as I am going for trusteeship and guardianship of my husband (so i can take care of our bills and our child) I worry that she will contest it in court and make it more difficult for me to take care of her only grandchild. I don't think she has even considered the fact that I loved my husband and now am raising his child on my own.

How do I deal with her? Why does she blame me for this when I even called the cops on him that night to try and stop him from getting hurt?

Signed, Hurting Over My Husband

Dear Hurting,

I'm very sorry to hear about your husband, and also about your troubles with his mother. It is challenging enough to be a new parent without all these other issues on top of it.

You and your mother-in-law are both grieving what happened to your husband / her son. The senselessness and bad luck involved are incredibly difficult to deal with, as are the consequences -- the impacts on you, your mother-in-law and your child.

Even strong relationships can break down under such stress. For instance, marriages sometimes do not survive when parents must try to cope with the death of a young child. Your relationship with your mother-in-law was not strong to begin with, so it is not surprising the two of you would struggle when under this additional pressure.

Grief often goes through several stages and one of them is anger. Your mother-in-law's ability to deal with everything, including you, is probably at an all time low, and she may be likely to think things and say things that she wouldn't if circumstances were different. With all you are going through, your ability to cope is undoubtedly diminished as well.

She doesn't want to blame her son. She must realize at some level that it was his decision to drink and drive. That is difficult emotional terrain for her right now, though. She is grieving what happened to her son and doesn't want to criticize him. It is easier for her if her son is blameless, so her mind casts around for someone else to take the blame. The next obvious choice would be you. It's not fair to you, but it might be one coping strategy that helps to mitigate her grief.

This has to be incredibly hard on you, to deal with this broken relationship on top of everything else. Unfortunately I know of no way for you to hurry your mother-in-law through her grief process. I suggest you wait it out; her grief will eventually evolve. She will move through other stages beyond anger, hopefully to coping and eventually acceptance. This will not necessarily change things between the two of you, but at least then you may have a fighting chance of mending fences. Yours would not be the first relationship to benefit from the passage of time.

That leaves you with the issue of how to deal with her in the meantime. You mentioned she is not speaking to you. In the short-term, a little distance between the two of you might not be a bad thing, knowing you will likely have an easier time bridging the gap in the future. (And this is something you should try to do so your daughter can enjoy her grandmother.) If she contests you in court, then you'll need a lawyer's advice.

I wish you the best of luck as you try to deal with every aspect of your difficult situation.

All the best,
Andrew

Read More ->>

Dismaying Story #32: To Procreate or Not to Procreate

Dear Andrew,

My husband and I have been married for 2.5 years and living together for 3.5 years. He's 33, I'm 35. I have been married / divorced once before (divorced six years before marrying again, btw) but I was my husband's first serious relationship of any kind.

Things were okay for about a year after we were married, but then some pretty serious problems involving finances, substance abuse and lack of communication began to arise, resulting from both of our behavior patterns, not just one of us. These issues resulted in our being separated for a year (my idea), but we recently moved back in together to try and work things out. The aforementioned issues are still present, but he and I are both trying to work on them; it's simply going to take some time to resolve them, particularly in regard to the finances. Our relationship is still fairly tumultuous but isn't as bad as it was before we separated; I think things could work out in the long run.

I've already had a Chapter 7 bankruptcy, but my husband still has something like $22,000 worth of credit card debt. Furthermore, we both have student loans that are in deferment (we're both part time students, looking to graduate within about 2.5 years). We share no credit card or bank accounts. We are trying to pay down the debt but with our meager income it will take years.

The issue is that my husband wants us to have children, and soon. Before I met him I never wanted children -- I never saw myself having a life conducive to family and my own family history is pretty dysfunctional to say the least -- mother married five times, father splitting when I was a baby, endless emotional strife at home, etc. My husband, though, is so warm and nurturing, the kind of person who would never abandon his family. I fell in love with the idea in a pipe-dream sort of way but I've always had serious practical questions. The romantic, sweet notion of having babies was nice while cuddling with my husband, but how could we pull it off while maintaining any sort of stable and secure lifestyle?

My husband is anxious to begin trying within a year. In terms of pure biology I can see his point but when viewed within the context of where we are in life it makes no sense to me. I would have to give up my job (daycare is far too expensive), curtail my schooling (career suicide for me) and assume pretty much sole responsibility for the house and offspring while my husband continues to work full time and go to school part time. Meanwhile, the credit card bills will continue to collect interest, the student loan companies will want their money and my husband's still meager salary couldn't possibly cover everything.

My husband dismisses my concerns as being overly negative and simply says things will work out somehow. Considering that I am expected to make the majority of the sacrifices, I'm having a hard time buying such cavalier statements. I love my husband but I don't think either of us (individually or as a couple) are ready to negotiate such an undertaking without an inevitably disastrous outcome. I'm afraid that if I suggest that we hold off for a few years that he will think that I'm cheating him out of something and will ask for a divorce.

Signed, Leery of Becoming a Mommy

Dear Leery,

I can't possibly come down unequivocally on one side or the other of your issue and say, "This is what I think you should do." It would be incredibly presumptuous of me to do so for such an important life decision. You obviously have concerns, however, and have asked me to provide an opinion on whether your concerns have merit. That I can certainly do.

I'd like to start with your last statement; you are afraid your husband might divorce you if you don't give in to his request. Worries over the tenuousness of your marriage might not be the best reason to consider having children. If the bond between the two of you is so weak that a disagreement like this would dissolve it, then you would likely be in danger of separating anyway when the extra stresses of raising children arrive. If your bond is strong, then the timing of when you have children should not be a make or break issue. Either way, the threat of divorce should not be enough to make you ignore all the other issues you mentioned; it should make you take them all the more seriously.

Let's assume you decide to have a baby within a year or two. Realistically, all the issues you mentioned will still be around; there is nothing to indicate you are on the verge of eradicating any of them from your life. Hopefully you are aware that adding an infant to the mix will not make any of those issues easier to deal with. Instead, you will have even more pressure:

• Your money situation will be worsened because of loss of your income plus considerable childcare expenses, even with you home full-time. Clothing, diapers, car seat, crib, toys, high chair, food -- they all cost money and plenty of it.
• Both you and your husband will be sleep deprived, even if you try to carry the bulk of the night-time responsibilities. If he thinks working full-time and studying part-time is a challenge, wait until he tries it with less sleep, an exhausted wife and a noisy child making it difficult to concentrate. And if things are tumultuous now, add in sleep deprivation and more stress -- the results are probably predictable.
• I am especially concerned about the substance abuse. I can't tell from your letter whether this is an issue for one or both of you, but either way the potential impacts on any child that enters your life are obvious, ominous and huge. I hope you would strongly consider dealing with this issue on its own before subjecting a child to its effects.
• You and your current husband have already separated once. Although you seem optimistic about the future, you must worry whether history will repeat itself, especially when the extra stresses I mentioned come into play. Where would that leave you? What would that mean for your child?

You need to have a realistic vision of what life might be like with a baby and ask yourself if you can live with that.

I have to wonder how much of your hesitation is actually fear based on your family history. You have been taught to expect instability and abandonment. You had always thought that you wouldn't be able to provide a stable lifestyle for children, even before your current husband came along. Without diminishing all those other concerns, you should ask yourself honestly how much these sorts of fears play into your decision making and whether you still believe them to be valid. I don't know the answers but I think you should ask the question.

Your age is also certainly a factor. You have a little wiggle room to wait but Mother Nature will shut the door before too many more years pass. If the two of you (and it should be both of you, not just one) truly yearn for tiny hugs in your life, I can understand how waiting much longer would be difficult for you.

In short, I agree that your concerns are valid. Many children are born into less than perfect life circumstances and manage to grow up despite their parents' struggles with life. Such families often face tremendous challenges, though, and that would almost certainly be true in your case. How much risk are the two of you willing to take? Only you and your husband can decide how to balance those factors. I hope you can reach a decision that works for both of you.

All the best,
Andrew

If you haven't already done so, now is your chance to check out this week's Ask the Faithful Readers question. I will post my personal favorite response on Saturday with a link to the winner's blog.

Read More ->>

Dismaying Story #27: Raw Feelings Over Raw Images

Dear Andrew,

My husband was addicted to pornography, no question about it. He maintains it was not an addiction, even though it took a separation to get him to quit. For instance he thought it was okay to look at porn with our infant son in the same room. The baby couldn't see the computer, however.

He no longer looks at porn (without me) but I still feel we will never agree on its harmful effects on a marriage, which is unfortunate. I am interested in your thoughts on this.

Signed, Wishing He Understood

Dear Wishing,

The effect of pornography on a marriage varies tremendously depending upon whose marriage we are discussing. To many people the whole concept is completely abhorrent and any involvement would be a deal breaker. Given the financial success of adult films, magazines and web sites, other people are obviously more comfortable with this type of material and choose to partake. Some of the material is even designed specifically to be viewed by couples. The most relevant question, though, doesn't seem to be how porn might impact marriages in general, but instead how the issue should be treated in your specific marriage.

For some the difference between acceptance and revulsion might be a matter of personal taste, while others have strong moral and ethical views on the subject. I am not going to focus on these types of issues for a couple of reasons. For one, whatever opinions I might have are no more valid than the next person's. I don't consider this to be a forum to expound on my personal views. Second, these issues need not be settled in order to address the matter at hand. Instead I'll approach this from a practical viewpoint: How does this issue affect the relationship between these two people? What might be done about it?

The impact here is obvious; you hate it. Your husband's behavior is so upsetting to you that you separated for a while because of it. Even now, despite a supposed resolution of the matter, his attitude bothers you enough that you have sought advice from an outside source. You have obviously argued over this issue and your feelings remain hurt, badly it seems. The bond of trust and closeness between the two of you is no doubt weakened, which must affect everything from the general mood in your home to how you feel about being intimate with your husband.

From your husband's point of view, he probably resents the fact that your relationship is strained. He has undoubtedly said things to you like, "It's no big deal. Everyone does it." He wishes you would relax and stop treating it like the crime of the century, and he's probably frustrated that you don't.

Let's start with his assumption that all guys look at porn. Well, no, they don't. Plenty of men do, otherwise the porn industry wouldn't be raking in multi-billion dollar revenues, but that's a long way from "everyone." Let's go out on a limb, though, and suppose for a moment that your husband is right. Let's assume that every other man on the planet is a regular viewer of pornography. Does that mean it should be okay for him to do the same?

Absolutely not.

I feel like asking for a cell phone so I can talk directly with this guy. I want to say, "Listen up, buddy. What don't you get about your situation? Your marriage is in trouble. Your ... wife ... isn't ... HAPPY!" That alone should be enough to get any loving, supportive husband to sit up and pay attention.

As for him viewing porn in the same room as your infant son, you'd have to search hard and long to find many people who think that one is okay. Would you make love in the same room with your baby? I didn't think so.

It doesn't take much head scratching to understand how porn can be immensely threatening for many women. You want to feel like you are the most special person on the planet to your husband. Your relationship is supposed to be monogamous, which means his desire for intimacy should be satisfied by coming to you, not by turning to other women. When he is getting his jollies by looking at others, the implication is that you are not enough for him, that these other women are superior or more fulfilling. Worse than that, even pictures of other women are somehow preferable, when you are right there in the flesh. I could go on.

It doesn't really matter which of these many reasons applies to you; your dissatisfaction is clearly justifiable. He needs to come to the realization that your pain is real and, as long as his attitude stays the same, you will continue to hurt. It doesn't matter if he thinks porn is okay. What matters is that your marriage will never be right until the two of you are on the same page with this issue, and there is no way you will ever have a pain-free existence on his page.

Your husband must choose which is more important to him, your love and happiness ... or his belief that the nudie pix are no big deal. He must choose because it is impossible for him to have both. You will never be happy if he continues to exhibit the same sort of attitude, nor will the loving bond you feel for your husband be as close as it can and should be.

More than that, he must quit looking at porn. Period, full stop. He must swear off the stuff and say, "Honey, you are way more important to me than those pictures, or anything else for that matter. You are all the stimulation I am ever going to need." It's time for him to leave that chapter behind and start rebuilding your relationship by showing you how special you are to him.

Here is why I bring this up even though you say he has already quit. His desire was so strong it took a separation to get his attention. Your obvious unhappiness was not enough to do it. That's a powerful desire in my books. Now that you're back together, you say he only looks at porn when he is with you. It's pretty obvious you don't like the stuff, which means it was his idea. He wants it so badly that he has talked you into some sort of involvement, even though he knows it is an extremely touchy subject for you. He still has the computer, so he has the opportunity to indulge whenever you leave the house.

But he chooses not to do so?

Hmmm. That's theoretically possible, I suppose, but highly doubtful. I suspect you still have doubts too. If he were truly reformed, he wouldn't still claim it is okay and it wouldn't bother you enough to write to me.

I suggest you discuss with him the points in this article. You might even ask him to read it if you are comfortable doing so. Hopefully his love for you will be enough to steer him in the right direction.

I wish you all the best,
Andrew

Is there some issue driving a wedge between you and your significant other? Send me an email if you would like to hear my perspective. Comments entered using the link below can be anonymous and the identity of email respondents always remains confidential.

Remember to submit your entry for the Ask the Faithful Readers question. I will pick my favorite response and post it on Friday with a link to the winner's blog.

Read More ->>