Dismaying Story #143: Does Sleeping Separately Hurt Your Relationship?

Dear Andrew,

How often do you hear of couples living in separate bedrooms? I do hear stories of older couples with separate beds, but usually in the same room and it's usually for health reasons, isn't it?

Well, we are a young couple (barely 30) doing just that. We each have our own bedroom and we both love it. We have been married eight years this September and our separate rooms didn't start intentionally. My husband has always snored and HAS to have the TV on to sleep. I have never been able to sleep through that, but had somewhat adjusted to it.

We planned our second child to be born around the time my mom was moving out of our house so he could have his own room. Well, she never moved out and he stayed in our room. This child wouldn't sleep and kept us both up. So after several months, my husband mentioned sleeping on the couch to see if the TV bothered our son. It worked! Our son slept longer that night than he had in a long time. So, my husband stayed on the couch. When my mom moved out he moved into her room and has been there ever since.

I now get sleep like I haven't had in many years. No more arguing about the TV volume or channel, no listening to him snore (it's gotten worse) and I don't have to share the bed. Why would I give that up?

The few friends that we have told about this situation cannot believe we live like this. Is it really that unusual? Would it jeopardize our marriage as some people say? What about when my boys are old enough to understand? How do I explain it to them?

Otherwise, we strive to have a happy, as close to normal as possible relationship.

Signed, Rested and Happy

Dear Rested,

I know people who would find it extremely difficult to feel close if they slept separately, and I suspect some of the readers' comments in reaction to this post will reflect the same emotional need to be together. Some couples like this will put up with a considerable degree of sleep disturbance to achieve the closeness and will consider that to be a worthwhile tradeoff. (And, of course, many couples are able to sleep together without keeping each other awake.)

Sleep disturbance, however, can be a source of tension between spouses. Snoring, fidgeting or kicking while asleep, frequent bathroom visits, sleeping with the TV on -- any of these can contribute to sleep deprivation for the affected spouse. Tired, cranky people do not always get along with each other as well as they might when rested and refreshed.

Snoring is perhaps the most commonly reported disturbance. A University of North Carolina study shows that approximately 30 percent of women and 40 percent of men are habitual snorers. This can leave the partners tossing in frustration much of the night. We all know how horrible it feels to be exhausted, especially if you live that way on an ongoing basis. People whose spouses prevent them from sleeping often dread going to bed and may even build up resentment toward their partners. The snorer may also be embarrassed, much as they would if they had a problem like bad breath that led to difficulties with their partner.

Given that there may be practical reasons for sleeping apart, does this necessarily lead to a lessening of intimacy and closeness? According to Canadian author and sex columnist Josey Vogels, the answer is a resounding "no." She points out that while sleeping in separate bedrooms has the potential to strain a relationship, couples can more than make up for it by paying attention to each other while awake.

We all know that "sleeping together" involves more than just sleeping. We read together, talk, make love and cuddle, all of which can help to build closeness. None of these, however, happen while we are asleep. Vogels maintains that the time spent asleep is the least important in terms of your relationship. She speaks from first-hand experience, too, since she often retreats to the spare bedroom because of her husband's snoring. She recommends spending some time together in bed together before separating for sleep, and suggests that surprise visits can add to the spice.

You are right to think of your children's views. Show plenty of affection for each other when they are around. Show them and tell them how much you love each other and explain that the sleeping arrangements are simply so you can get a good night's rest. They will take their emotional cues from you. Reassure them in a happy way that all is well and they should have no problem accepting this as a normal part of your life.

The results are what matter the most. If you and your husband are getting along well and the intimate side of your relationship is in good shape, then don't fix what isn't broken.

All the best,
Andrew

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Dismaying Story #138: Her Rage versus His Insecurity

Dear Andrew,

My husband has an odd mix of traits that make him wonderful on so many levels. He is brilliant, affable, funny, and down-to-earth. He is passionate, capable and with certain people, compassionate to a very high degree. He’s handsome and affectionate. He’s a good provider for our family and has no problem doing housework. In fact, he excels at both! So how could I dare speak against such perfection when so many women would KILL to have a guy even a hundredth this awesome? Because there are some deep-rooted psychological issues that I’ve attempted to help resolve, but I’ve been unsuccessful.

My husband grew up in a trailer-park to an alcoholic, abusive father and an accommodating doormat of a mother. His environment could be described as squalor, he said. At one point, his father was arrested for assault after threatening his mother with a gun. My husband was probably ten or so and his refusal to move from in front of his mother saved her life. His father and younger brother purportedly did nothing while he and his mother did all the cleaning, cooking, laundry, etc. Essentially, they enabled.

My husband graduated high school and married his high school sweetheart, with a daughter born not long after. His wife, sadly, had several challenges that stemmed from childhood trauma, such as debilitating OCD and crippling insecurity that led to risky sexual behavior like multiple affairs. Two additional children and worsening symptoms later and he was in front of a court-appointed counselor who recommended that he should leave his wife and take the children with him, or the courts would do it instead.

Then he met a woman with two even younger children who was about to become homeless. He re-married, but she was abusive, hateful and entitled. He went from having $30,000 in the bank to being $40,000 in the hole. She publicly humiliated him and privately emasculated him. He didn’t want to be a two-time loser so he stayed and became a miserable, functioning escapist via alcohol, porn, and mild drug use.

Eventually he left her and met me six months later. I spent the first six months of our relationship reminding him I’m not one of his exes. He would project based on their past behaviors. We eventually married but we’re struggling in a few areas.

I was raised in a home where the physical environment was the exact opposite of his. My parents were so controlling, so perfectionistic, that they threatened to burn all my clothes but one outfit if I didn’t keep them perfectly washed, folded and put away at all times. I wasn’t allowed to shut my door because that is a sign of people who are doing something wrong and they threatened to take it off the hinges if I did. I was told to be seen and not heard. Laughing and singing was considered obnoxious and I was quickly slapped or beaten for speaking out of turn. EVERYTHING I did was criticized, belittled or shamed. I left as quickly as I was able but carried many emotional scars. It took two failed marriages of my own and a lot of counseling to get to where I was able to have some semblance of inner peace. I learned how to keep things clean without being obsessed about it and that it’s okay to let go of the need to be perfect.

Enter my husband. A dish left unwashed causes him to obsess that things are going to revert back to his childhood days. The only time he can relax is if he is surrounded by the starkest, cleanest of environments. If he had his way, while we were taking our last bite of food, we would be walking to the sink to wash the dish so as not to leave any dish undone for any length of time. Clothes are the same way. Leaving a nightgown or PJs on the bed so I can rewear them the next night makes him stressed. Keeping a hairbrush or medication or a toothbrush on the bathroom counter is intolerable. And while some people would say, just tell him to clean it up himself, that means he is entering into other peoples’ spaces and cleaning up others peoples’ things, putting them where he wants them to go or pitching them if he feels like it. Which is invasive, controlling and extraordinarily inconsiderate.

He admits to obsessing over things but denies that it’s detrimental. He says, “It’s who I am and I can’t change what I feel. It’s hard-wired into me from my childhood.” He feels that as long as he is able to control his environment, he is able to have peace and we should all help him achieve that peace if we love him. While he doesn’t belittle or shame us, it’s obvious he’s distressed over every little thing. I have successfully convinced him to leave my side of the room alone, but in shared spaces, such as the bathroom, he refuses.

Because I grew up in a very aggressive, very violent household, I learned all about rage very early. I experienced passive-aggressive behavior on a daily basis. It took me years to learn successful coping skills to prevent going into a rage or acting passive-aggressively when something upsets me. My technique is to calmly state that while I want to resolve the situation, I am feeling very emotional and very stressed and feel it’s best to remove myself from it for a time. I reassure him that I will come back to resolve it when I am calmer and more able to think clearly. My husband takes this as outright rejection. In the past he has followed me wherever I went, demanding that I talk to him NOW and saying that my behavior is unbiblical and is equivalent to asking for a divorce. When I forced him to go to counseling to get an outside, third-party perspective, he saw the harm that his aggression was causing, but he still hasn’t been able to let go of the feeling of abandonment and rejection. In spite of every effort to reassure him (even while trying to stifle extreme anger), it doesn’t register with him that my coping skill has nothing to do with punishing him, but that I simply need to be where it’s calm and quiet so I can think and regroup.

So, there are my two issues. How do I deal with his need for perfection? And secondly, when we’re arguing and I need to be alone for a while, how do I deal with the constant texting about how alone he feels and how rejected he feels?

Again, it seems so ridiculous to be complaining at all when so much of him is the stuff of dreams! It’s just that these two problems are the source of 99% of our disagreements. Even if it seems we’re disagreeing about who left a dish out, what we’re really talking about is his perfectionism and inability to overcome it. Or, if we’re arguing about his invasion of space and my need for solitude, we’re really talking about his inability to step outside of his own needs and trust. Which is so strange because in most circumstances, he is extraordinarily empathetic. But when he’s emotional, he ceases to be rational. And while learning effective coping skills would work great for him, he doesn’t think he has a problem. He blames others for having a problem with him. It’s a vicious cycle. And it’s exhausting.

Signed,
Perplexed

Dear Perplexed,

You say the physical environment you had while growing up was the exact opposite of your husband’s, but I think you’ll agree that your childhood experiences include an unfortunate common element; you both had to deal with abusive situations. I hate that the two of you had to endure the abuse you’ve described, and I’m sorry to hear about your current problems.

Abused children are tremendously affected in myriad ways, many of which exhibit themselves as challenges during adulthood. One common pattern is for such children to struggle with adult relationships. Your letter mentions several of the ways in which this can happen, such as:

• Tolerating abuse or other negative behavior when it starts to occur with a partner, perhaps due to low self esteem or because you’re used to dealing with it;
• Interpreting your partner’s behavior in the context of the previous abuse you’ve received — constantly looking for negative ways to interpret their behavior, rarely giving them the benefit of the doubt; and
• Bringing various insecurities and sensitivities into a relationship.

This last category seems most highly related to the two primary challenges you mentioned — the struggle over standards of cleanliness and your differing approaches to conflict resolution.

First of all, you shouldn’t question the need to deal with such issues. A problem is still a problem, even if many other aspects of your relationship are wonderful.

The last paragraph of your letter makes the distinction between topics and issues. When you talk about whether or not he should touch your toothbrush, that’s a topic. His desire to move the toothbrush and your desire for him not to do so are just the visible symptoms. The true issues run much deeper. You’ve touched on some of the issues, such as the inner distress you both admit to feeling in certain situations. You both seem to be aware that these issues stem from your past experiences to some degree.

Your frustration is obvious in your letter. You’re searching for ways to exert some control, a path you can take that will lead to improvements. I can promise that discussing the symptoms (the topics) will not effectively deal with the underlying issues. You’ve already seen that. You can ask him to leave your mess alone until you’re blue in the face, but he’ll still feel the same anxiety inside.

Identifying an underlying issue is a necessary first step to resolving it, but it’s not a full solution. This sounds like something you’ve tried. You believe he’s obsessing and you’ve told him so. Unfortunately the types of issues you’re dealing with are long-standing and complex. Pointing them out is not enough to make them go away. That’s like coming across a highly claustrophobic person who is unfortunate enough to be trapped in an elevator. You can say to them, “Oh, I know what this is. It’s claustrophobia, so you can stop being anxious now.” That’s clearly not going to work, just like it hasn’t worked for you to point out what you see as his issues.

By the way, I understand his position when he says, “This is just how I am, I’ve always been this way, and I’ll never change.” He believes this to be the absolute truth. From his point of view, he has been like that for as long as he can remember. Nothing has ever happened to change his experience, so it’s an understandable assumption on his part that nothing could ever change it.

I said I understand his belief. I also disagree with it. Just as our internal and external behaviors are shaped by our experiences, we can re-shape and re-learn new behaviors. When past traumas are involved, however, the re-learning process almost certainly requires extensive work with trained professionals and comes with no guarantee of eventual success. The individual must be highly committed to the process, so often it’s easier to say, “It can’t be done. This is just who I am.”

Okay, now let’s move on to some good news. I do have one suggestion that I believe will help you feel less perplexed and a bit more in control of whether your interactions with your husband have positive outcomes.

Here’s a fundamental truth I’d like you to wrap your head around: You can’t control his behavior; you can only control your own.

At first that might sound like bad news. After all, your letter clearly states that you believe he’s the problem and you’d like to know how you can deal with it. I suggest you take a moment and re-read the last paragraph of your letter above. In describing each of your two issues, you use the phrase “his inability.” You describe your standards of cleanliness as within normal bounds, while his need for perfection is obsessive. Your approach for handling conflict is apparently a reasonable strategy you’ve developed in response to your past traumas, whereas his approach is an unreasonable “inability” that has arisen from his past traumas.

According to you, you’re right and he’s wrong. You’d like to keep doing exactly what you’re doing, and you’d like to know how to change his response.

You haven’t mentioned anything about changing the part you can control — your own behavior. And that’s where the good news comes in. Every relationship is a give and take. You act, he reacts, then you react to his reaction. In other words, both of you have just influenced the other. The key to success is to realize that the most effective way to influence the situation in a good direction is to behave in ways that promote positive outcomes.

A further insight is related to this “I’m right, he’s wrong” business. There’s a spectrum of possible behavior for each of the two issues you mentioned. Let’s start with your standards of cleanliness. Your husband seems to be toward the “ultimate clean freak” end of the spectrum, while you’re able to exist quite comfortably in the midst of a bit more clutter. Statistically speaking, I suspect a larger number of people would tend to be similar to you rather than him in this respect, but that doesn’t make you right and him wrong. It just means the two of you are different. Your approach feels right and comfortable to you, as does his to him.

I’m willing to bet there are untold numbers of men to whom you could be married where this situation would be reversed. In other words, many men would consider your standards of cleanliness WAY too stringent when compared with their own preferences. Imagine being married to the guy who considers it a waste of energy to make the bed more often than Christmas and Easter. He leaves his tightie wighties on the floor in front of the shower every morning, and no amount of reminding or downright nagging is enough to get him to drop them in the laundry hamper instead. You have the daily pleasure of either picking them up yourself or looking at them every time you walk into the bathroom. If you want to talk about statistical probabilities, this is the situation I hear about more often than yours.

In both types of situations, the problem isn’t that one partner is right and the other is wrong. The issue is that each of you feels comfortable within a certain range of cleanliness along the spectrum, and your ranges don’t overlap. You haven’t been able to come up with a common compromise where you can both be comfortable and happy.

The same is true with your respective approaches to conflict resolution. You’re more comfortable being apart immediately after the onset of conflict (so you can deal with your rage), whereas he’s more comfortable being together at that time (so he doesn’t feel rejected). Both of you have your own needs. Both of you feel justified in those needs.

Both of you have the opportunity to change your own approach.

Neither of you is inclined to do so.

Stalemate.

The underlying assumption embodied in your letter is that your approach should stay the same and he should change. What if you opened up the possibility that you could both change? If you think about that, I bet you’ll agree that this doubles the possibility of finding a common comfort zone along those spectrums I described above. If both people can move toward middle ground (rather than only one of you) then successful compromise is more likely.

As an example, let’s talk about your rage reaction. I get the sense you’ve accepted that this will always be a part of your life. Your coping strategy isn’t about avoiding rage. Instead, the rage comes over you and you find a way to ride it out in isolation.

What if you could learn a different reaction to conflict, one that doesn’t involve rage? Pick a situation where you became enraged and had to withdraw so you could regain control of your emotions. Many, many people could be presented with exactly the same stimuli and have no anger reaction. “That’s true,” you might say, “but they don’t have my background. Unfortunately the rage is part of who I am and I can’t change what I feel. It’s hard-wired into me due to the very aggressive, very violent household in which I grew up.”

Hmmm. That sounds a lot like the argument your husband offers for why he can’t change. I’ll offer you the same rebuttal; it is possible for you to re-learn how to react to conflict, although admittedly that would require commitment to change and plenty of hard work with the support of a professional. Imagine if you could remove or lessen your rage reactions. I’m betting you would enjoy life more, and the two of you would have one less issue standing in the way of compromise.

I suspect the two of you share more similarities than you might be willing to admit. You’ve both suffered tremendous emotional trauma. You’ve both endured the pain of multiple failed relationships. You both have complex, deep-rooted issues that affect your current ability to compromise with your partner.

And you both have many wonderful qualities that make it WELL worth whatever effort it takes to find those compromises.

I’m not trying to downplay the difficulties of dealing with issues stemming from childhood abuse, but I do believe you can increase your chances of shared happiness if you (a) gain a bit more understanding and empathy for his point of view (rather than simply considering him to be wrong), and (b) open up the possibility of two-way compromise, rather than expecting all the concessions to come from him.

I’m so glad you chose to write to me. You clearly care a great deal about your husband and your marriage. He’s lucky to have such a caring spouse, and I suspect that one fact will go a long way toward helping the two of you be happy together. I wish you both the best of luck!

All the best,
Andrew

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Dismaying Story #123: More Than Just A Gap

I’m ba-aack!

My last Dismaying Story post was over a year ago. During that time my family and I moved to a different country and I’ve been working in a different profession with a more time-consuming lifestyle. Some things have not changed, however: I am still passionate about writing, about people, and about how we treat each other ... all the same reasons I started this blog to begin with.

So I have decided to begin posting again. The frequency will probably be closer to weekly rather than daily as before, but hopefully my former readers (and a few new ones) will still pop by and offer their insights.

Amazingly, reader traffic on this site is still steady after all this time, mostly from Google searches. I plan to post in the near future on which topics generate the most searches, but that is for another day.

I have also received a few email questions over the last year. Today’s post is based on one such question.

So, awayyyyy we go....

Dear Andrew,

I have just read Dismaying Story #42: When an Age Gap Doesn’t Work.

I was very touched by your reply to the lady who wrote to you.

I have been married 3 times. I am not sure why so many, I suppose I have always looked for love or just been rather silly in my choices.

I was married to my last wife for 19 years and have 2 lovely boys. But I think I knew from the start things were not exactly right. Anyway 19 years later she finally admitted she had never loved me but had been fond of me.

This resulted in me feeling so wretched and so lost. I had also had the 3 years from hell prior being subject to malicious and unsubstantiated allegations that lost us everything. Last year I fell in love with someone 33 years younger than me. Trouble is she is nearly 17 and the relationship hit the media and my wife capitalized with my partner’s mother to publish a whole lot of one-sided media reports. This had the adverse affect of what they intended and we are now living together.

In so many respects I have never been happier. But society and people judge so quickly and to suddenly be a social pariah is very very hard. In addition we are told my partner will change and will realize how stupid she was and I will lose her. Makes a positive belief very hard.

In your advice to the woman above you advised she heal herself and conquer her fear. I am seeing a consultant psychologist, he gives similar advice. But how can I move past needing approval where there is none to be got? How can one believe in one’s own integrity when it has all been ripped away so publicly?

I wonder if you can help at all. The only way out to me at times is death but this does not seem to be the correct answer.

Signed, Older Partner

Dear Older Partner,

First things first – death is never the “only way out” of a relationship. The fact that you include suicidal thoughts in your letter is disturbing. I urge you to seek professional help immediately, even if you don’t believe you were serious. Such thoughts are nothing to mess around with.

Beyond that, I must admit that I also found other aspects of your letter personally disturbing. Let me see if I have the math correct – she is 16, you are 49, and you are now living together as a couple. It is difficult for me to be detached on that score since that is exactly the age difference between me and my high-school-aged daughter. I am trying to imagine myself dating one of her friends and I just can’t get there. The difference is far too great for me.

It seems many lawmakers agree with me. Something on the order of a dozen or so U.S. states define 16 as below the age of legal consent. It’s no wonder her parents and your wife reacted with outrage and were successful in drumming up negative media interest.

As I try to think through your situation I constantly circle back to the questions of “why.” Why are you involved in such an unusual relationship? Why is your teenaged partner interested in being with someone older than many of her friends’ fathers? What has happened in each of your lives to make this relationship mutually appealing?

I have no way of knowing the answers to those questions, but your letter offers some tempting clues. You felt wretched, lost, like you had gone through hell. Then along came this young thing with needs you seem to fill. That makes you feel better because someone wants you, and you latch on. It is also tempting to assume that sexual attraction to a young woman just coming into physical maturity plays a role. Whatever the factors, there is almost surely more going on than just “I met someone with whom I am compatible.”

And what about her? Why isn’t she interested in dating guys who are 16, or 18, or 20? Is she confident in her self-worth? In her ability to sustain successful relationships? Obviously I cannot know but I bet there are serious emotional scars underlying her choices.

Could I be wrong? Sure. There is a chance the two of you just happen to have the characteristics the other needs to fulfill your lives ... but I believe the chances of that are extremely low. It is far more likely that the two of you have issues that have led you into a relationship many people find offensive.

Does my view seem hypocritical? In the post you mention above I am supportive of people who enter into relationships with more than a statistically normal age gap. There is a limit, however, to what I personally consider to be acceptable and you have apparently exceeded it.

I suggest you take a long hard look in the mirror and consider whether this relationship is really healthy for you, and especially if it is healthy for her. I bet if you look closely enough you won’t like the answers.

All the best,
Andrew

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Dismaying Story #122: Married Roommates

Dear Andrew,

First, I need to tell you, I didn't love my husband when we married. He was my roommate for many years, playing pseudo dad to my two small children from a previous marriage until the kids moved out on their own. We are both in our 50's (I'm 5 years older). For 10 years we were just roommates who had sex once in a while. Then, it got too expensive to live where we were (California) and so we moved to his home town in the Midwest so he could help out his parents who were getting too old. We didn't feel right about imposing on them though we lived with them for about a year. We started looking for a place to move and decided to buy a house. In the Midwest, people are very conservative (I'm a liberal) so I was shocked we would get turned down for a house just because we weren't married. How stupid! Anyway, I said, "Well, if that's what they need us to be then let's get married." And we did at the courthouse. No kisses, no romance, no honeymoon. It was all very practical. We really were pretty good roommates, huh? Or was that taking it too far? Anyway, we got a house and settled down four years ago.

Now I am trapped in a marriage that has no love in it. We do care for each other but there's no love, no intimacy. We're still roommates. We even sleep in separate rooms because he works nights and I work days. I really want to leave him now but after 14 years how do I tell him I need someone I love and who really loves me and feels passion? I don't want to hurt him but I have needs that this relationship just doesn't meet.

On weekends we do chores, eat together, watch a little tv together. Then we go to sleep. There are no hugs or kisses. There are no activities we do together. He is a couch potato and I go off to the gym. That's all we see of each other. It's been this way for 4 years and I need someone at home when I get home at night (he's gone by the time I get home). I need someone to hold me, encourage me, kiss me, play with me. I don't just need someone to do chores with. I need someone there to talk to and to be a companion to me, sharing ideas, having sex, wanting to do things with me. I feel like I'm to blame and it means, "you made your bed, now you've got to sleep in it." But I see it as though I'm already living alone as it is. How different would it be if I just left?

In fact, one time a few years ago, I left on a trip to do genealogical research for a whole week. He hardly noticed I had been gone. Didn't even ask me where I had gone to or what I had seen. Maybe we really are still roommates!

I need to make up my mind what to do. He isn't mean or dreadful or lazy. He does his share and works hard, just like I do. But there has to be more to marriage than this. In my first marriage, my spouse beat me up in front of the children. That took a lot of time to get over that one. So maybe I was just looking for a roommate, not another husband. I really made a big mistake when I suggested marriage, didn't I.

Don't know what to do. I'm over menopause and should be ready to retire soon. But instead, I'm eager to find someone to be intimate with, etc., have adventures with. I want some fun times with someone. I won't be able to find that kind of retirement with this guy. That's for sure.

Signed, Bored to Tears

Dear Bored to Tears,

Yours is a story of settling. Fourteen years ago you both settled for a relationship of convenience. It was easy to be together -- no commitment, no work, no stress.

And like you said, no joy, no love ... no “Umph!”

If this were twelve years ago I would advise you to try putting more into the relationship. In many cases when people feel they have settled, the relationship can be improved tremendously by figuring out things you enjoy doing together, putting effort into finding opportunities to share time and experiences, making time to have fun together. This can go a long way toward building closeness. If you’re not careful, doing that over a period of time can even lead to passion and kissing.

In your case, though, my guess is that fourteen years of momentum (or maybe I should say a lack of momentum) would be next to impossible to turn around. If you want an actual love life, your only choice is probably to leave and start over. But then your letter makes it clear you already know that. Your problem is that you worry about hurting him, and you also worry about what would become of you.

“Who would want me?” your inner voice says. “It seems so risky to leave this safe situation, even if it is boring.”

Thing is, your bigger risk is staying. In fact, it’s more than a risk -- it’s a certainty. Stay and you are guaranteed to continue living without hugs and kisses.

Should you worry about hurting him? Of course you should. He may not be your Prince Charming, but you have shared many years together.

But here’s the thing -- how much are you hurting him by staying? You are not the only one who is deprived of love and passion. You may hurt his feelings if you leave, but at least then he would have a chance to find a partner who is more than a roommate.

And so would you.

It sounds to me like your mind is already made up about what you want to do. You’re just trying to convince yourself it’s what you should do. I suggest you find the courage to admit to yourself what you really want in life, and then do what it takes to make that happen.

All the best,
Andrew

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Not Really Trying

Dear Andrew,

I recently read the story you called "Missing the Game of Life." I agree with your response to the woman who was writing but have a related question to your answer.

How do you insist that your husband change? I mean, I would love to just go to my husband and say – you need to do more around the house, I am not happy with our current situation, etc. and believe me I have tried that in the past but I only come away feeling guilty for even bringing up the subject to begin with.

A little history . . . my husband is 12 years older that I. We have been married 18 years. He has a definite problem with clinical depression – in fact has been diagnosed as bi-polar with depression being predominate. To add to the mix he is a licensed counselor although he does not do that currently. He has a definite tendency towards being a hypochondriac and often acts like a chronic victim.

In our marriage it has meant that often I pick up the slack and do “everything” other than have a job outside the home. We have 3 children one of which is special needs and I have been a SAHM for a long time now.

In the past 7 years he has lost 3 jobs – one of which was a dream job – due to his depression, being “victimized” by his bosses, etc. It has been a horrible roller coaster ride with health and financial losses.

We attended counseling about 6 months ago and it was somewhat helpful at the time. He also sees a psychiatrist for the bi-polar/depression and takes medication for it.

When he is having a “hard” time at work, etc. he comes home and doesn’t do much of anything but talk with the children (he is a good dad) and watch TV. I do everything else – clean, cook, laundry, grocery shop, do household repairs, take care of the cars, plan for the kids and their needs, home-school my special needs son, take my girls back and forth to their extra activities, handle the finances, pay bills, etc.

He will help if I ask him to do something and is supposed to have the regular job of taking out the trash but if he is depressed that will get ignored unless I point it out.

My problem is that when I approach him about either helping me – like please put your glasses and dishes on a certain side of the sink so the other side can be used to fill glasses, etc. – he makes me out to be some weirdo for even asking.

If we sit down and I try to bring up issues he gets extremely defensive and says things like ‘I am doing my best’, ‘I am depressed’, etc. and has this way of turning the issues around so that I am the bad guy and I am picking on him. I tell him sometimes that he puts on his “counselor” voice and says “I am doing the best I can.”

We learned in counseling that I have a tendency to be too harsh (according to him) when I bring things up but when I try to soften it, rephrase, etc. the result is always the same . . . He says he will TRY to do his best and sometimes things improve for a few days but it does not last.

I know that I enable him to “be depressed” and just not do anything because I will do it (I learned that from my counselor) but how do you get a depressive person to want to change and how will the household continue to run, if I don’t do it?

I wish it was just as easy as saying – gee, honey I need more help and need you to be more involved and take responsibility and keep a job – but it does not work that way for me.

I am at the point of thinking of leaving him simply because I am tired of having my life (housing, income, health insurance, etc.) being decided by someone who is just going to TRY to do his best. I would rather succeed or fail on my own merits than be dependent on him.

There really is a long, long history here that I can not really get into but I feel sort of desperate. He has once again “lost” a job in that he has been demoted and has to take a pay cut. He knows how this is like the last straw to me and when I tearfully asked him if he would promise me to not lose the current job his response was “I will TRY to do my best.” I want to scream: "Obviously your best is not enough, don’t just try to do it, do it.”

We tried to talk last night about the situation and I tried to bring up how I feel and how I don’t trust him to keep the current job and think of his family first. I know that it was not fun for him hearing that from me. But he turned it around again and said how I was getting off topic and how much humiliation he has taken from his superiors in the past and his current boss and how he has stayed with the jobs “because of the family.” But he then loses the jobs or just quits (he once just quit a job because his boss “yelled” at him too much).

How do I approach this? How do you insist that someone change? How do I express what I need and get his cooperation in fulfilling my needs?

Signed, More Than Just Trying

Dear More Than Just Trying,

Simply insisting your partner should change is effective only when the problems are relatively minor. For example, if a husband is merely unaware of how much his wife needs his help, then her insistence may bring this to his attention. That might be enough in that instance to prompt him to respond to her needs. That can only happen, though, when a relationship is generally robust, with many other positive characteristics. The scenario I described only works if both people are generally predisposed to be supportive of each other and the husband merely needs a nudge to bring this to the fore. If, on the other hand, trust, closeness and supportiveness tend to be in short supply in a relationship, demands for change rarely have any long-term effect.

Telling the chronically unsupportive spouse to step up is similar to informing the long-term smoker they should quit, or the chronically overweight person they should lose weight. People in these types of circumstances are already aware of the issues. They already know their partner is unhappy with the status quo. Informing them yet again about this fact does little to change the situation.

Generally the answer lies in developing your relationship to the point where both of you feel good about doing nice things for each other. It's about developing an attitude of mutual supportiveness in all aspects of life. This is made more difficult in your case by your husband’s personal life challenges. He is incapable of meeting even his own needs for fulfillment and achievement, which makes it even more difficult for him to provide for others.

It is good and necessary that he is seeing a psychiatrist for his bi-polar symptoms, but the results prove that is not enough to address all of his needs. He also needs a life skills coach. Many people might assume that would be part of the service when seeing a psychiatrist, but often this is not the case. The psychiatrist’s focus is on responding to the acute depressive symptoms; the response usually comes in the form of medication. Assuming the prescription is effective, the result is typically a person with a somewhat improved ability to respond emotionally to life’s challenges. As you can attest, though, your husband still has bi-polar symptoms, though hopefully less severe than they might be otherwise.

So your spouse still has emotional challenges and must try to deal with a plethora of ineffective life skills and habits. For instance, he seems to have a habit of turning your requests for change into discussions about how you request change. This means you spend all your time talking about how you fight, rather than the issue you wanted to address. This is a classic mistake. A more effective strategy is to ban this as a discussion topic when attempting to resolve conflict, and to consciously keep the discussion on the underlying issue.

Your husband would benefit greatly from working with a life skills coach. He could use help with developing strategies for meeting challenges rather than running away, resolving conflict, and no doubt a number of other strategies and skills. At some point it also makes sense to involve you so ineffective patterns of communication and interaction between the two of you can be replaced. At the beginning, though, the primary focus should be on helping him learn to cope. Such skills can be taught, and they most certainly don’t come out of a medication bottle.

If interested, he could talk to his psychiatrist or other health care professional about where to find such a coach in your area. I suspect this could make a significant difference in your lives. Good luck!

All the best,
Andrew

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Dismaying Story #117: Escalating Verbal Abuse

Dear Andrew,

I am at a loss of what to do about my marriage. I am 23 years old and I have been married for about 2 years. Right after we were married, I had a couple of horrible moments where I realized that I shouldn’t have married this man. He would be kind and attentive one moment and cutting and impatient the next. I told him that I thought I had made a mistake in marrying him. Because of our religion, we believe marriage to be sacred and eternal. I knew that I had to do everything that I could for my marriage. My mantra became this, “Maybe we shouldn’t have married, but we did, and I love him, so I will make it work.” I begged him to come with me to counseling, but he refused.

Months went by, with small incidents turning into huge arguments. I began putting everything I did or said into a pretty package for him, hoping there wouldn’t be anything he could pick apart. It really seemed that nothing I did was enough for him. He began treating me like trash, verbally abusing and controlling me. If something didn’t quite go his way, he would stand close to me with his face in mine and say “Can you be nice, can you be nice” over and over without letting me get a word in edgewise. I didn’t know where to turn. I didn’t want to tell my family because I wanted them to like my husband and get along with him. Meanwhile he was telling me that if it came down to it and I had to choose between him and my family that I would have to choose him.

Finally it came to a head after Thanksgiving. We spent the weekend visiting his brother’s family and my husband got upset over some really minor details. Like what type of pickles I had bought for the appetizers. He held most of his anger in, but moped around all weekend. Finally when we were on the 5 hour drive home, he exploded. Screaming at me for hours about how I am an embarrassment to him in front of his family, calling me a “Nazi” and a snot and many other horrible things. I couldn’t even say anything, I just cried and cried. When we arrived home that evening, we both kept to ourselves. The next day I went to work and I decided that I would go home and if he didn’t realize that how he had acted was awful, that I would have to leave.

When I arrived home that evening, he told me that “we needed to talk” and began to tell me how I needed to change. I knew what I had to do and began to pack some of my things. When he saw that I was serious about leaving, he became scaring, his moods changing like the flip of a coin. One moment he was begging me to stay, the next moment he was yelling at me to leave. He even stood behind the car so that I wouldn’t be able to leave. I felt like I was in a Lifetime movie or something! My heart was beating so fast. I finally got away and ran to the car to leave. I have been living with my parents ever since.

This is where things get trickier for me. I really don’t feel like I should ever go back and be with my husband. I am ready to get a divorce from him today. We have been seeing a counselor together, and he has undergone some major adjustments. Making promises of never treating me badly and being the husband of my dreams. I feel nauseous when he says these things and when I think of being with him, much less having kids with him. Because of my religion, there is a lot of guilt associated with these desires for a life without him. I feel like I should want to be back with my husband, but I really don’t. I am happier without him than I have been in a very long time. I feel like I am myself again after so much time trying to be who he wanted me to be.

My husband is saying that he will wait for me forever, and that he will never break the promises that he made to me at our wedding. This really concerns me for my future, wondering if he will ever let me be. I feel like I have time to be happy in my life and I don't know if he can be a part of that happiness ever again.

I am at a loss for what I should do.

Signed, Scared for My Future

Dear Scared,

I’m so sorry to hear about the abuse you have had to endure. It sounds like you have so far done the only thing you can. The situation you described was escalating. It’s not a big stretch from in-your-face verbal abuse to physical abuse. If you had stayed with him, I believe the chances are very high that is what would have started happening.

You are right to be leery of getting back together with him. The behaviors you describe are dysfunctional and extreme. He is controlling, lacks all empathy for seeing things from your point of view, and cares only for his own happiness rather than yours. The “can you be nice” routine is particularly scary. This is an individual with serious issues.

And when did his behavior change? Only when he was threatened with not having something he wanted -- that is, when you left and he faced the prospect of losing you. So he came up with a strategy to get what he wants again, which is to make nice, say the right words, and profess undying love.

Now what is likely to happen if you give in and move back together with him? Well, that would put the two of you back in the situation you were in previously. He would again have what he wanted. I suspect (and obviously so do you) that he would be nice for a while, and then the situation would eventually disintegrate back into the abusive relationship you had before.

This isn’t just skepticism on my part. Instead, I base my doubt on the fact that he has not gone through a process to change who he is. Yes, the two of you are going through counseling, but that is to talk about the dynamic between the two of you. That discussion centers around his behavior toward you. In other words, the focus is on one symptom of his problem, not the cause of his anger and controlling ways.

His behavior doesn’t just spring up in isolation. He is a seething, unhappy person inside. I don’t know the reason but there has to be one (or several). Something in his past has taught him to be deeply afraid or distrustful inside (or something similar), and his outward behavior toward you is the strategy he has developed for dealing with it. His internal belief system makes him feel justified in acting that way. For example, “I know I can’t trust anyone to really like me and that includes my wife so I will get respect the only way I know how, which is to demand it.” That may not be his mantra, but that is one example of how a fractured spirit can show itself to the rest of the world.

I doubt very much your couples counseling has done anything to address his individual issues. That means his internal dysfunction is still there. He may indeed have the best of intentions in terms of how he wants to treat you in the future. Unless he gets help healing himself, though, eventually he will encounter enough stress to trigger the internal pain, at which point the abuse will begin again.

My advice is to refuse to get back together with him until he has individual counseling to ferret out his own demons. He needs to gain insight into what is truly behind his behavior, and most importantly he needs to gain closure on whatever fears from his past are lurking in the corners of his mind. He needs to say more than “I am motivated to treat you better now.” He needs to be able to explain what was behind his old ways and why he is no longer affected by those emotional forces. You need to see evidence that he is happier and more content with his self-image. It should be obvious to you that his entire outlook on the world has altered in a good way. That should be a prerequisite for getting back together with him.

All of that depends on him developing a desire to heal for his own sake. At some point this has to become about him, just him, rather than simply an exercise he is going through to get you back. Again, I doubt very much your couples counseling has even come close to meeting that criterion.

I have no idea how willing he would be to put in the effort required to find the right helping professional (they are not all created equal) and go through that healing process. Even if he were willing, there is no guarantee he would succeed. And even if he made tremendous progress, there is no guarantee his old demons wouldn’t reassert themselves at some point. I wouldn’t blame you if you decide the personal risk is too great, that your future is too important to allow it to hinge on his willingness and ability to heal. His behavior is longstanding and you may come to the conclusion that he will never truly change. If so, you should not re-enter an abusive relationship.

I wish both you and your husband good luck in finding a happier place.

All the best,
Andrew

Have you seen the Question of the Week? It raises the issue of whether couples can find ways to be happy together if they differ in some significant way. Check it out -- I would love to hear your opinion!

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Do You Agree with the New York Times?

Paul was kind enough to let me know about a recent New York Times article entitled Questions Couples Should Ask (Or Wish They Had) Before Marrying. This article was their most frequent download for a week or two after it was published. I would love to hear your comments on these questions. Here are a few of my thoughts:

1) Have we discussed whether or not to have children, and if the answer is yes, who is going to be the primary care giver?

3) Have we discussed our expectations for how the household will be maintained, and are we in agreement on who will manage the chores?

Ah yes, sharing the domestic workload. Where have we heard that before? (Maybe here...) I think it's a great idea to open the dialogue on these issues before getting married. A word of caution, though; I have heard from many women whose husbands said they would help out, but then failed to follow through when the time came. The idea of sharing the workload might sound great in theory, but old-fashioned, stereotypical gender expectations often rear up and cause havoc at crunch time. Sure, talk about these issues as early as possible, but don't be surprised if it still takes some time to hash out how things will really work between the two of you.

Also, both of those questions are worded in a way that implies one partner should be expected to shoulder the bulk of the child care and housework burden. It may work that way in many households, but I also know of several where neither spouse is considered the primary parent nor the one who "owns" the chores. I'd prefer a question like: "Can we agree that we will share the chores as equally as possible? (allowing of course for the realities of life)"

2) Do we have a clear idea of each other’s financial obligations and goals, and do our ideas about spending and saving mesh?

How many young people are likely to know how shared finances will work when they haven't ever tried to do so? And how many have yet to arrive at a mature understanding of how they should manage their personal finances? (Or, for that matter, how many older people have yet to do so?) It's easy to say, "Oh, yes, we should save forty percent of every paycheck in a fund we'll never ever touch." That's easy to say but often harder to live up to. Agreeing on a financial plan before you marry doesn't mean you are done wrangling about the issue. Many times it only means you can say, "But you agreed we would do it this way!"

I don't mean to sound pessimistic. Certainly talk about these issues before getting married. Just be realistic and know there will still be work to do later.

4) Have we fully disclosed our health histories, both physical and mental?

Agreed. Anything but complete honesty here should be a deal breaker.

5) Is my partner affectionate to the degree that I expect

What if they aren't? Does that mean you should cancel or postpone the wedding? Maybe yes, maybe no; that's up to you to decide. Simply talking about this may not prompt the cold fish partner to warm up. On the other hand, such discussions can uncover underlying issues that can then be cleared up, thus relieving tension and opening the door to more spontaneous affection.

6) Can we comfortably and openly discuss our sexual needs, preferences and fears?

In my experience many young couples would answer this question with a "no," and not because they are dysfunctional. Young folks (heck, many older folks) often take a while to find their personal comfort zones when it comes to sex. Many issues still loom when they get married, such as the need to avoid pregnancy (at least for a while), the "chased versus chaser" mentality, the "sex is bad" messages that many people are bombarded with during their teens, and so on. A healthy dollop of tension around sex is common and should not be considered a reason to give up on a fledgling relationship.

7) Will there be a television in the bedroom?

I've never had one in my bedroom. Does anybody want to comment on this one?

8) Do we truly listen to each other and fairly consider one another’s ideas and complaints?

This is huge. The two people who truly respect each other, listen, and do their best to help each other (including a willingness to accept constructive criticism) -- this is a marriage with a good chance to flourish.

9) Have we reached a clear understanding of each other’s spiritual beliefs and needs, and have we discussed when and how our children will be exposed to religious/moral education?

Unlike the housework and sex issues, this is one where I would expect many people to have strong self awareness, even at a young age. And it's definitely a good idea to understand any sensitivities in this area.

10) Do we like and respect each other’s friends?

11) Do we value and respect each other’s parents, and is either of us concerned about whether the parents will interfere with the relationship?

12) What does my family do that annoys you?

How someone reacts to and gets along with others -- that tells you a great deal about that person. Beware the potential partner who has problems with everyone else in your life, or who wants to keep you all to themselves. If they have problems with everyone, remember they are the common factor in all those problems.

13) Are there some things that you and I are NOT prepared to give up in the marriage?

Come on, fella, she's right. That brown Naugahyde armchair is downright ugly. Pitch the chair and give her free rein to decorate the new place however she wants.

14) If one of us were to be offered a career opportunity in a location far from the other’s family, are we prepared to move?

I can see how this would be good to discuss, to have a general understand of the importance of extended family to each of you. I suspect, though, that such issues evolve over time and the answer depends on many factors, such as how juicy is the job opportunity, which of your family members still live in your home town by then, and so on.

15) Does each of us feel fully confident in the other’s commitment to the marriage and believe that the bond can survive whatever challenges we may face?

In other words, do we both feel good about doing this? Are we both optimistic? Please, if you answer no to this one, don't feel like it is too late to postpone or back out. It is much easier to have second thoughts beforehand than it is to undo things once you are married, especially once children are involved.

Now if you have a few moments in the midst of your holiday shopping and celebrating, I'd love to hear what you think.

Oh, and as an early Christmas present for all you grammar lovers out there, I gave in to the requests and added the serial comma in the banner at the top of this site.

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Alien Relationships Discovered on Earth!

In a shocking discovery that has psychologists everywhere buzzing, magazine archivists uncovered evidence today that shows how alien marriages once existed on Earth. According to Dr. Iluk Thruoldstuff, a male staff member with the Dismaying Story Institute, "This 1955 Housekeeping Monthly article proves that husbands and wives once interacted in ways that could only have come from outer space."

The gems of advice offered to wives by this article include:

• Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs.
• Don't complain if he's late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.
• Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house.

"My personal favorite," Dr. Thruoldstuff offered, "is the part where a wife should 'Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes.' " The good doc has apparently given up on the idea of ever dating again.

Reaction to news of the article's discovery was swift. The American Husbands' Rights Society issued a press release calling for dramatically increased funding for NASA space exploration. Former US President Bill Clinton announced that he has long been searching for someone who can prove to him personally that this alien culture still exists. The National Organization for Women could not be reached for comment; on the one occasion this reporter was able to get through on their phone line, all that could be heard on the other end was riotous laughter.
-------------------------
Dear Faithful Reader,

The magazine article mentioned above is apparently a fabrication. This snopes.com post debunks the article's apparent source and argues that it is, however, reflective of commonly held attitudes from the fifties and sixties. As an illustrative example, snopes.com lists a number of wifely do's and don'ts from Helen B. Andelin's 1963 book Fascinating Womanhood that are chillingly similar to those from the fictitious Housekeeping Monthly feature.

We are all products of the environments in which we were raised. The next time you are tempted to be frustrated by the differences in attitudes between you and your elderly parents or grandparents, remember they grew up during a time when home economics textbooks offered vastly different messages than those delivered today.

All the best,
Andrew

Do you have a relationship issue in your life? Tell me about your situation and it may be featured as a Dismaying Story. Comments can be anonymous and the identity of email respondents always remains confidential.

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A Spicy Latin Dish versus Chicken Soup

Dear Andrew,

I am three weeks away from my wedding. Yes, three weeks! I have been with my fiance for over a year and a half. He travels for work, though, so our time together hasn't been consistent.

My cold feet are so severe it is causing panic attacks and physical illness. I have had an affair, I have tried to leave him and somehow he always finds a way to convince me to stay. He isn't abusive, he is kind and loving and sensitive. He expresses his love in every way he knows how and is consistent in his devotion. We don't have a very passionate relationship but basically the same core ideals (except the cheating). He is sitting here now, letting me search the Internet for answers without interrupting or being angry.

Why do I have these intense urges to walk out on someone who is so amazingly good to me? Maybe it's fear of commitment, I am only 25 years old but he is one of a kind. I have never been so loved by such a good honest man, yet I can't get the thought out of my head that there is some amazing relationship, more exciting and thrilling out there.

I made contact with my previous boyfriend and it was shocking how much I saw in him that was probably unattractive but sounded so much more of what I want. My attractions in the past were to guys with a little fire, a sarcastic wit and a sense of adventure. Maybe a spicy Latin dish, my fiance is like chicken soup. So I'm afraid I might be a little destructive and am creating situations for myself that are sure to end in pain. The relationship I am in now is safe and comfortable, but I fear boredom more than death.

Please tell me if there is anyway to know what I really want for sure. How do I soul search productively?

Signed, Confused and Scared Bride-To-Be

Dear Confused,

I wish there were a sure-fire way to always know what we want in life. You've probably heard the cliches like "listen to your heart," but what if your heart is sending out conflicting messages?

I have dealt with this issue before, though the previous letter writers were not just about to be married. The Ghost of the First Love is about a 21 year old woman with a "wonderful" boyfriend, but she is afraid she will cheat on him or otherwise blow it. She finds "bad boys" all too tempting. Sound familiar? In response to that story, another young woman wrote to say she also has a "nice" boyfriend but she is Still Chasing that Excitement, which is missing in her relationship. Finally (and you might find this story the most interesting) a third young woman wrote about how she is Living the Story. She broke up with her "nice" boyfriend when he asked her to move in and her heart rebelled. Two years later she met someone else and knew immediately he was the one. Her message: "When something's wrong you feel it" and you should listen to that feeling.

As you read those three articles, pay attention not only to my advice but also to the comments readers left in response to those posts. My readers are an astute bunch and often offer up plenty of "been there, done that" advice. This should provide some insight into why you have urges to walk out.

Neither I nor any of the other readers, however, can decide whether you should get married in just over two weeks. Only you can make that judgment call. Let me suggest a soul searching test that might help.

What if you could back out of the wedding with absolutely no negative consequences? Maybe you find a magic wand that can make everyone (including him) forget you were ever engaged. You could undo all the wedding arrangements, get back all the money, choose to be single again or back to simply dating this guy. Would you do it?

If so, ask yourself if any of these factors are playing a part in your decision to go ahead with the wedding. Is it because you would be embarrassed to admit to everyone that you changed your mind? Would some people be upset with you? Are you worried about the money you've put into it? Do you think this might be your only chance to be happy? (It isn't, as "Living the Story" should illustrate.)

I urge you to ignore all those factors. None of them amount to a hill of beans compared with the impact of marrying the wrong person, especially if children enter the picture before you figure that out. The only reason to go ahead with the wedding is if you want to spend the rest of your life with him. If you would rather wait, then wait. It's too important to let other factors influence you.

What if it is "just" a fear of commitment? (This previous post discusses commitment phobia in women.) If so, how would this impact your relationship if you get married while in that state? Many people fool themselves into thinking they will magically feel differently about various issues after the ceremony. "Oh, I'll be more comfortable with sex once we're married." Or maybe, "I'll stop worrying about whether he's the right guy once we're wearing the rings." Sorry, it doesn't work that way. You will be the same people with all the same issues. If you're having trouble committing to this guy, you might want to take the time needed to lay that issue to rest one way or the other before making the ultimate commitment.

A little touch of cold feet or nervousness is normal. Panic attacks, physical illness, affairs, boredom and being tempted by former boyfriends are not. You have issues you need to resolve before tying the knot. Hopefully the ideas discussed above will give you a framework for doing that.

All the best,
Andrew

Thanks to everyone who has already answered this week's Ask the Faithful Readers question about the relationship skills of the Game Boy generation. If you haven't done so, today is your last chance. I will post my favorite response tomorrow with a link to the winner's site.

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A Romance Novelist's Views on the Real Deal

I was doing a bit of blog surfing last night when I ran across a post worth sharing with you Faithful Readers. Romance novelist Teresa Medeiros is a contributor to a blog called Squawk Radio. Yesterday she posted a list of relationship tips entitled A Romance Writer's Guide to a Happy Marriage.

This is not a description of the "perfect" relationship you might expect to see in a romance novel. Instead, Teresa draws upon her 22-year marriage to distill a few gems of her own personal wisdom. These fit right in with the commonsense principles I try to use in the Dismaying Stories. Titles for the 10 tips in her list include "Practice the 3 C's--caring, commitment, compromise" and "Never stop dating." She backs up these titles with brief, punchy descriptions of the points she is trying to make.

I would be interested to hear your feedback on Teresa's advice. At the end of her post she asks what is the best (and worst) relationship advice you ever received, which would also be fun to hear about.

Finally, if you haven't already done so, don't forget to check out this week's Ask the Faithful Readers question. The topic for this week is about separate versus shared bank accounts, and several readers have already contributed their opinions to the lively discussion. I will post my favorite response on Saturday with a link to the winner's blog.

Have a great Thursday, everyone!

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Dismaying Story #46: Till Death Us Do Part

Today's question comes from a post by Kacey, who has a blog called Cookie's Oven. You can find her full post here and the following is my shortened version:

Dear Andrew,

Early on in my marriage, I had lofty ideals that if, (God forbid) I should suddenly be run over by a speeding train or any other such catastrophe -- my dear husband would have to remarry, because he was so happy with me. Actually, I think I wanted someone to mother my children until they could fend for themselves. Deep in my heart, I knew that I couldn't stand the thought of him whispering sweet nothings into another woman's ears. The ugly little voice said in my ear, "What if he tells her about all your shortcomings?"

In my late thirties, a good friend died from a really nasty cancer and her husband told a few of "the guys" some of her intimate details. I cried at this betrayal. Another friend lost his wife a couple of years ago and is blissfully married to another woman and people are saying things like, "John is so much more fun with his new wife than he was before." My brother's widow of three and a half years is getting married next month. While I am extremely happy that she has found someone to be a companion, I harbor this nagging little thought: "You can't do this. You are my sister-in-law and your children are my nephews."

My husband has been with me as long as I can remember and I would hate to die and have him find out that some other woman would have been a better wife, lover, companion. There should be a pre-nuptial that says you cannot tell your new spouse the longings of your previous mate's heart.

Am I selfish or just losing it?

Signed, Kacey

Dear Kacey,

I think you are neither selfish nor losing it. Many people struggle with this same issue. (Some readers may remember an earlier post where I mentioned Jeff Foxworthy's take on the matter.)

After all, who among us cares for the thought of our spouse being with someone else? Sure, we can try to rationalize that we would be no longer be around if that were to occur, but at a gut level, right now, this is still a difficult image to bear.

Your fears go even deeper. You wonder if you might somehow come up lacking in comparison with the new model, and whether this would tarnish your husband's memories of you. It's bad enough to think about being gone, but you would at least want to be remembered well.

These are natural feelings and you shouldn't condemn yourself for having them.

To me, these worries are wrapped up in self-confidence and trust. You are insecure about how well your husband's feelings for you might survive after you are gone. You wonder if you can trust him to use common sense and decency when deciding what is appropriate to share with others about you.

Let me ask you this: Are you confident in your husband's feelings for you right now? Do you trust him not to run out with the guys this weekend and start discussing intimate details that should remain between the two of you? If so, then I suggest you have no need to worry about what he might do if you should happen to pass away first. His personality will not change, nor will his IQ suddenly drop. If he shows good sense now, then you can expect that to continue. Your good friend's husband showed poor judgment after she passed, but I wouldn't be surprised if he displayed a similar lack of common sense while they were still married.

Don't forget that when a widow or widower hooks up again, their new partner often faces a significant challenge. They must compete with a ghost, an idealized, blemish-free memory of the former spouse. You might be surprised to learn of the insecurities this could cause if your husband ever had another partner. Given his lifelong strong feelings for you, there is a good chance she would be quite threatened by his memories of you.

And yes, it's okay if that little voice just popped up in the back of your brain and said, "Good!"

This is always a difficult issue to contemplate. We may be torn between hating the thought of our spouse being lonely, versus hating the thought of them with someone else. In your case I hope you can have faith that the good man you are married to now would continue to be a good and decent person if the unthinkable happened to you.

All the best,
Andrew

If you haven't already done so, don't forget to check out this week's Ask the Faithful Readers question. I will post my favorite response on Saturday with a link to the winner's blog.

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Ask the Faithful Readers #5 - Separate Finances

Dear Faithful Reader,

Recently an acquaintance mentioned they had noticed a common trait among their friends whose marriages ended in divorce. Apparently every one of these couples maintained separate finances. As always happens when someone brings up a relationship issue, this got me thinking.

I can see how separate bank accounts could raise potentially prickly issues. Who should pay for what? Both spouses live in the house / apartment, so who should pay the mortgage / rent? If one person pays, might they feel the other is taking advantage of them? If the payment is shared, what happens when someone comes up short? What does it mean for one spouse to "owe" money to the other? Might that debt lead to resentment, possibly in both directions? Does this "What's mine is mine" approach indicate a lack of commitment, an unwillingness to share in fundamental ways? Or in some cases could separate finances allow two people with different spending habits to coexist without stressing each other?

What do you think? Do separate bank accounts mean you're one step closer to having separate addresses?

As always, I will post my personal favorite comment next Saturday with a link to the respondent's blog.

Signed, The Inquiring Advice Guy

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Family Feuds

Once again all of you came through in amazing fashion, providing numerous responses to last week's Ask the Faithful Readers question. I asked you to tell me what differences between your families of origin have created issues within your relationship. Your submissions highlighted several types of inter-family disconnects, including the following:

• Class / lifestyle differences - "In my family, funerals were always dressy black-tie affairs. In his family, it's okay to show up in jeans and flip-flops and even a housecoat will do."
• Close versus distant relationships - "He didn't speak to his dad for about seven years; I am extremely close to mine."
• Loving & supportive versus dysfunctional - "Being a child of divorce, he had very little boundaries and adult supervision. I came from a touchy/feely group ... very affectionate."
• Liberal versus conservatives - "My husband comes from a family of conservative merchants, who had no college education for many generations. My family were highly educated, pie in the sky liberals."
• Different cultures - "His family are Jordanian upper crust villagers; I'm just Scottish/German descent, average, middle-class American."
• Welcoming versus standoffish - "The biggest difference is that my family views in-laws as new family members. His family views them as outsiders."

There was also considerable discussion of difficulties in getting along with in-laws, including mother-in-laws who retain extremely close relationships with their sons, to the detriment of the marriage - "A huge turning point for my husband was when our counselor had it with him and told him, 'You need to divorce your mother and marry your wife!!' "

The most common topic, though, separated the highly talkative families from those who tend not to communicate as much, especially about emotions. Not surprisingly, this leads to considerable difficulties when the couple needs to resolve conflicts. One partner expresses all sorts of emotion, which the other finds difficult to take because they were trained as part of their upbringing to suppress that sort of thing.

Perhaps fittingly, my personal favorite was submitted by Joy Renee, whose entry the previous week about late versus on time was the inspiration for this topic. Joy maintains a blog called Joystory.

Joy's story stands out to me because of the immense changes she and her husband have had to make to move past the differences imposed by their respective upbringings. She writes:

My family were quiet, staid, serious people. In conversation we took turns talking and did not interrupt. All strong emotion was suspect from exuberance to anger. I always heard 'Calm down.' or 'Watch your tone.' Anger was equated with hate which was equated with murder. There was a Biblical reference that supported that view as there was for the view that laughter was questionable since the only reference to God laughing was at the calamity of evil-doers. Games without a spiritual, religious or educational theme were taboo.

My husband's family are just the opposite in all of those areas. They laugh and talk loud. They express strong passionate views. They cuss and tell raunchy stories and tattle on each other. They talk over the top of each other. They play cut-throat cards and scream with laughter throughout the game.

The biggest impact all this had on our relationship was my unwillingness in the first decade to stick up for myself, to allow him to browbeat me with his passionate, argumentative style. It wasn't mean-spirited, just full of that strong emotion that I was taught to abhor. Add to that the teaching of my childhood that a wife must defer in all things to her husband ... well it drove him crazy. There was nothing he loved more than animated debate. It took nearly a decade for me to get over the propensity to cry in response to all strong emotion either felt within or suspected in another. But once I was past that, I think maybe he began wishing for the good ole days. :) I credit those long debates we had with teaching me to think for myself and then to express those thoughts forcefully and with passion.

Here we have a married couple who took an incredible difference that resulted from their families of origin, worked on it together, and made tremendous strides while finding a way that works for them. To me, that is a wonderful story. What can I say; I'm a sucker for a happy ending.

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Ask the Faithful Readers #2

Dear Faithful Reader,

Before we get to today's Dismaying Story, here is a question for you to consider. For many couples, their families of origin are very different. This often means the two of you have issues to work out. Joy Renee provided an example in her response to last week's question. Apparently her family are habitually late arrivers, while members of her husband's clan tend to show up early. This causes plenty of consternation for both Joy and her hubby when they are getting ready to go someplace. So here is this week's question:

What differences between your two families of origin have led to challenges for your relationship? Have you resolved them? If so, how?

Signed, The Inquiring Advice Guy

Comments are preferable for this one (rather than emails), since I'm sure everyone would like to see the responses. I will post my personal favorite next week with a link to the winner's blog.

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Those Dreaded Dismaying Questions

Well Faithful Readers, you really came through. Last Saturday I posted the first weekly Ask the Faithful Readers question and received more feedback than I have for any other single post. Thanks!

I asked you to tell me about questions you hate to hear from your spouse. I supplied "Does this dress make me look chunky?" as an example, so several readers talked about how honesty is usually the best policy in dealing with uncomfortable questions from your significant other. The consensus seems to be that the initial discomfort that might come from telling the truth is a small price to pay for the trust that results.

Other responses fell into several categories:

Implied Criticism

Sometimes your spouse might ask you a question that makes you boil inside because it sounds like they are criticizing something you have done, or perhaps that you are about to do. Examples submitted by readers include:

"Is that what you're going to wear?"
"How much is it going to cost?"
"How much did you spend?"
"Were you at Barnes & Noble again?" (which is really about the spending)
"Are you sure you want another drink?"

To me, these questions relate to the level of trust between spouses, as well as a need for a certain amount of autonomy. Let's say you are watching your pennies in your household and your spouse says, "I need to buy X." There might be an immediate temptation to say " How much is it going to cost?" or "Be careful, we're running a little close to the budget this week." Now if your spouse has been truly doing a lousy job of keeping to the budget the two of you agreed upon, then maybe it is reasonable to raise the subject and try to get back onto the same page. Saying something like that every time the subject of spending comes up, however, is likely to be counterproductive.

Your spouse knows you have a budget. They understand as well as you do when things are tight. By reminding them every time, you imply that they don't get it, or that they are probably irresponsible and need you to provide oversight for their activities. That's kind of insulting, don't you think? Are you really telling them anything they don't already know? Probably not.

Something We Feel Guilty About

The question about "How much did you spend?" can make us uncomfortable in more than one way, because maybe we already know we spent too much and we don't want to be reminded of it. Another guilt-inducer is: "Have you been working on your thesis?"

Things We Don't Want to Do

Any relationship is a give and take. I help you and you do nice things for me. There are times, however, when our spouse asks us to do something and we just cringe inside. This is really not something we want to do right now. Here are your examples:

"Would you rub / scratch my back?" (which can be especially loathsome when you are tired and only want to sleep)
"Will you come into the office and help out with my business?"

At their core, these boil down to topics about which we need to negotiate with our spouse. Sometimes the negotiation consists of "I'm too tired." (*roll over*) Other times, for example in the case of helping at the office, the discussion might be more protracted.

Raising an Uncomfortable Subject

The question I supplied (about dress designers who put seams in entirely the wrong places) brings up a topic that might be uncomfortable to some -- her chunkiness or lack thereof. This may be something you would simply prefer not to have to discuss. Similar examples from readers include:

"Is my bald spot noticeable?"
"Were you about to say something?" (...when you were about to say something, but then decided you didn't want to raise that uncomfortable subject)

In Dismaying Story #5: Hot & Cold Buttons, I discussed being careful how you approach subjects about which your partner is sensitive. These questions raise a similar issue, when you force your partner to offer opinions about your hot button topics.

Questions We Cannot Answer

You know the feeling, when your spouse asks you a question and you feel like saying, "How should I know?"

You told me about these ones:

"How much is it going to cost?"
"What do you want for supper?" (when supper is a long way off and the furthest thing from your mind)
"Where do you want to go to eat?" (when you are tired and hungry and utterly incapable of making one more decision)
"Where is my watch?"

And Finally, The Winning Category: Pure Frustration

I could almost sense you gritting your teeth as you typed a few of your submissions. These are questions where your spouse is being insensitive, maybe a little vain, or maybe is just plain wrong. Examples include any question asked while you are on the phone (and can't answer without being rude to the person on the other end) and "You really enjoyed that didn't you honey?" (after sex)

A big "Congratulations!" for submitting my personal favorite goes out to Dreaming Again who maintains a blog called Pearls And Dreams (among others). She experiences pure frustration when her husband asks:

Why didn't you tell me?

I DID!

No, you didn't

Yes, I did!

No, you didn't. I pay attention, I know what I've been told and what I haven't been told. I'm sick and tired of everyone saying they've told me something they haven't told me.

(me thinking ...everyone ...so it's not JUST me ...hmmmm...so I'm not the central problem here?)

I did tell you ... we were in the car on the way to church, and I told you XYZ.

Well, you shouldn't have told me then. I wasn't thinking about what we would be doing this week. I never pay attention to what's coming during the week on Sundays! You should tell me at a time I'm going to be paying attention to you!

eyeeyeyeyeyeeyeyeyeyeyeyeyeey *smacks head*

Now what could I possibly add to that? Thanks again, everyone, for all your contributions.

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Ask the Faithful Readers #1 - Questions You Hate Your Spouse to Ask

It's the weekend so I thought I'd try something fun and different. Several of you have submitted wonderful questions about important issues in your lives, which I appreciate very much. (And I have some interesting topics lined up for the next few days, so stay tuned.) Today, though, I want to turn the tables and ask your opinion on an issue of my choosing.

Dear Faithful Reader,

Does your spouse ever ask you a question that makes you groan inside? ...or maybe even outside? You know what I'm talking about, where you just want to say, "I wish you wouldn't ask me that!"

I sometimes hear about "no-win" questions, where all possible answers seem laden with problems. Consider this one: "Honey, does this dress make me look chunky?"

How might a husband respond? Let's try, "Yes, I'm afraid it does."

Uhhh ... no. That's a complete wash-out on so many levels. So how about:

"No, of course it doesn't make you look chunky."
"Oh you wouldn't tell me even if it did."
*sigh*

So I'd like to know: What question / request do you hate hearing from your spouse?

Signed, The Inquiring Advice Guy

Comments are probably preferable for this one (rather than emails), since I'm sure everyone would like to see the responses. As a small perk, I'll pick my favorite response and feature it in a post of its own, with a link back to the winner's blog.

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Dismaying Story #20: Getting to Know Him from Afar

Dear Andrew,

I'm a 30-year-old girl who has been studying abroad in India for three years. During my stay here I met someone online, a 34-year-old guy from my own country who has been living in Sweden for almost 13 years. We started to get to know each other via the Internet and phone for six months, talking for six hours virtually every day. When I went home he flew there to meet me and for five weeks we tried to get to know each other. He asked me to marry him. At first I was so sure but then I decided I needed more time, which he accepted. It is unlikely we will see each other in person anytime soon because of travel difficulties. How can we get to know each other effectively with all this distance between us?

I am a spiritual person, which is very important to me, but he is not. Also, he has shown no curiosity about my beliefs, my studies, what I want in life or who I am inside. I'm afraid he won't be a good partner in this way, even though he is so affectionate, romantic, stable and kind. What should I do?

Signed, Seeker of Truth

Dear Seeker,

My first thought is that you did the right thing when you decided to take more time before accepting his invitation. You clearly have doubts as to what kind of life partner he will make. I agree it is troubling that you spent so many hours talking and yet you feel he has not shown much curiosity about you as a person or what goes on in your life. It makes me wonder what the two of you talked about all that time.

In one sense you know a fair bit about this man; you have already formed opinions regarding some of his strengths and weaknesses. On the other hand there is no substitute for face-to-face contact when getting to know someone, especially when you are considering marriage. You have only spent five weeks together, which seems to concern you and, in my opinion, you are right to feel that way.

A short period of intense contact like that is not always a true indicator of what life might be like with this person in the long term. You were both likely on your best behavior, doing everything possible to "make it work" with each other. You were not engaged in normal everyday life. Instead you were essentially on vacation and probably got to share many fun and relaxing activities like visiting family. How different would the experience be when you are both working or studying, living in your own homes and dealing with the ordinary stresses of life? If you are going to marry someone, you want to know what kind of person they are when under stress, not just how they act during the fun times. Will he still be supportive and kind when life throws challenges in the way? Will he care about your problems (not just his own) and do his best to help out? These sorts of questions may be difficult for you to answer right now.

Forgive me if I assume too much but I suspect there might also be another factor involved with your dilemma. You are both in your thirties and still unattached. Often people feel pressure to conform to societal norms and be married by a certain age. Also, many women know they would like to have children, which means being married while still young enough to make that happen. In your situation you might be thinking, "This is the best chance I have had and the clock is ticking. I may never find someone if I wait much longer." I cannot advise you how strongly such factors should weigh in your decisions -- only you can decide how important they are for you -- but you should be aware of these issues and think about them. Similarly, you are the only one who can decide how important it is for your partner to share your spiritual beliefs.

I advise you to hold off on making any marriage commitment until you have had a better chance to get to know him when you are face-to-face. This might involve a considerable wait but the decision is too important to rush into while you still have such doubts.

I also have reservations about whether he will be a supportive husband. I could be wrong (obviously I don't know this person) but in my experience, supportive people are empathetic and want very much to understand what makes their partner tick. I would not accept his proposal until you can convince yourself how he will treat you in this regard.

If you are contemplating marriage, then presumably there is a time in the near future when you could see the two of you living in the same place. Assuming you are both serious enough, perhaps you could consider waiting until then so you can get to know each other while living your normal daily lives.

Finally, once you think these matters through and arrive at your own opinions, (which, of course, may very well differ from mine) I suggest you be open and honest with him. Tell him what you hope will happen and give him the chance to decide if he is willing to do the same.

I wish you all the best as you "seek the truth."

Sincerely,
Andrew

Have you ever felt pressure to stay in a relationship? How did your long distance romance turn out? Let us know and your submission could be featured as a Dismaying Story.

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