Dismaying Story #118: After a Pregnancy Scare

Dear Andrew,

I am in the relationship that I believe will be THE ONE for me. And my boyfriend has let me know on several occasions that he agrees with me. We have moved in together six months ago and I haven't discovered anything to disagree with me yet, so my conclusion still stands. We are both 24 years old.

Three months after we met, at some point, I felt so strongly about him that I couldn't help but want to tell him. And I started my declaration with "I know you might panic when you hear this but..." and I don't remember what I said, but it was somewhat of a love declaration. I inserted the first bit because I know the classical story of the man who wants no commitment so he panics when he hears that the woman does.

He did not panic. Actually he said some things back and then he said: "I don't panic that easily, you know. The only thing that would make me panic would be you telling me you're pregnant." And then he added: "But when I think about it, that wouldn't be that big a panic either." And then he told me the story of when he and his ex-girlfriend discussed about this and he completely dismissed the idea of she being pregnant with such vehemence that she was very upset. She apparently told him "If you are so much against me, you don't truly love me". He said he had come to realize she was right and that at that point, with me, he wasn't so much against the idea anymore. I was impressed with his attitude - I know that guys usually are very frightened of pregnancies, especially at young ages, and I really took it as a sign that this relationship was indeed as serious as I thought it to be.

Two months ago I had a pregnancy scare. A pregnancy test turned out negative. But a friend of mine told me I had to take it again in a couple of weeks because apparently pregnancy tests are not accurate in the first three weeks (something to do with hormones and stuff). When she told me that she asked me: "What if you are?" and my answer was: "Well, this definitely isn't a good moment to have a child and I wouldn't plan one anytime soon, but if I am then so be it." I was amazingly calm (compared to another pregnancy scare I had with another boyfriend a couple of years ago when I thought I was going to go crazy), not exactly pleased but definitely not scared either.

That was the moment when I told my boyfriend about it. And he DID panic. Terribly. I told him that I probably wasn't pregnant but that he needed to know of the possibility. And yet he panicked so hard that at some point he had tears in his eyes. I couldn't understand this sudden panic attack. He said "Babies are a stop in your life: after you've had one, you can't travel anymore, you can't go out at night, you can't do anything anymore." I pointed out to him that we travel at the frequency of once in a couple of months - and I'm sure my parents would be more than happy to help us in that eventuality - and that we never go out at night. He answered "It doesn't matter. It's the idea that I can't do it anymore that does."

The next day I went to see a doctor who confirmed I was not pregnant. We both let it go but for some reason now I'm remembering and I am wondering.

My reasons for not wanting a child are the following: we are currently counting our money at the end of the month, which means we barely make enough to support ourselves; I am still new at my job and I don't think my employer would be too happy about a maternity leave from me; we are living in a very small flat, we can't afford a bigger one, so a child would have no room... etc. If you study these reasons, you will see these are all temporary reasons. At some point there's a big possibility that these arguments will expire and I expect that in three or four years I'll be ready to have a child. And I cannot imagine my life without having a child.

My boyfriend's reasons, however, are not so temporary. If he feels that a child is the stop sign of his life, there's absolutely nothing that I can see changing his mind, except actually having one and seeing that it isn't. And that can't happen without his agreement. And I am worried about that.

So my question is this: not as a psychologist, but more as a man, would you like to tell me what is it with men and children? Why is it that they are so scared of the idea? Is there a chance that he might grow up and change his mind?

And another question: I can't help thinking of that conversation we had at the beginning of our relationship. And I can't help having the same reaction as his ex-girlfriend: if he's so scared of it, maybe he just doesn't love me as much as I love him. I was frightened of having children with other men, but ever since I met him the idea is not so scary anymore. I want him to be the father of my children. And I want him to see me as the mother of his. I don't want to be just another temporary relationship on the road to THE ONE for him.

Signed, Wanting Kids

Dear Wanting Kids,

Yes, there is a very good chance he will grow up and change his mind.

Society teaches men that they should be providers. He knows he will probably end up taking on that responsibility someday, but he also wants to have some time first to play and enjoy life. Toss a baby in there and that phase of his life is gone in a nanosecond, to be replaced with bills and the work associated with being a parent. His options for building a career become more limited because he needs to provide a reliable, long-term income stream immediately. He feels a sense of loss, and that is what he was expressing.

Will he always want to play rather than settle down? That is highly unlikely. Most men (and most women too, for that matter) progress past the stage in life where going out and "partying" all the time seems like the thing to do. Most people change their focus to building a career, a home, and a family. Chances are your boyfriend will go through this progression as well.

You didn't refer to him as your fiancé or husband, so the two of you have not yet made the commitment to spend your lives together. He can't really object to the pregnancy by saying, "But we haven't even decided to get married yet!" He knows there is a chance you would interpret that as, "You should walk out the door and never speak to me again!" He doesn't want that -- he wants life to go on as it has, with the two of you working through the gradual process of being together and possibly, hopefully working toward a final commitment. A pregnancy forces his hand in many ways. It hurries the process and removes control. This loss of control is threatening for many people.

Be careful with that one, though. This does NOT mean he doesn't love you. You wrote: "If he's so scared of it, maybe he just doesn't love me as much as I love him." I don't believe that is a valid inference. He can love you like crazy and hope to spend the rest of forever with you, and still not be ready to welcome the lifestyle changes and monetary challenges that children bring.

My suggestion: Find a time to discuss the future with him. Play "what if" and "how do you see life unfolding" with him. Ask him if he could ever see kids in his life. Many guys will say, "Sure, some day, just not now." If he does, then you likely have nothing to worry about.

I hope that helps.

All the best,
Andrew

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Dismaying Story #114: The Living Together Debate

Dear Andrew,

I am twenty-five years old and I have a boyfriend who is twenty-seven. We have been going out for a year and seven months. We met online and had an online relationship for a month or so and we could not wait and we decided to meet each other since we have many things in common and think alike. We’re about to get engaged soon and we both want to move in together. Ever since we started our relationship it’s been going fast. We said to each other that we love each other early on in the realtionship. We started having sex after a month together and we know that are each other's soul mate.

We’re ready to be engaged and I want to move in with him when we find a place. My mother and father are traditional and they love him, but they disagree and are giving me a hard time about it. They think we should get married before living together, but we don't want to get married right now. We want to eventually, but we just want to have an engagement period and enjoy it.

My mother didn't have an engagement period because she got pregnant with me so they got married. She doesn’t understand the whole engagement part. She is pushing us to get married now! She tells me that in order for me to live with a man that we have to get married. I have always seen my mom support my cousin and now she brings the fact up to me that I should not be like her and live with a man without being married. Ever since I met my boyfriend I told my mother that he was the man I would marry. Now she tells me, “You always wanted to and you eventually will, so why not now?”

As a sociology major I know that couples these days wait to get married and have kids. They move in together without getting married first. She is stressing me out, causing us to fight and I am always stressed out when I see my boyfriend.

Should I move out just like that? I am an adult so I know I can move out without her permission, but I don't want any conflict brewing or bad feelings. I don’t want to have any negative karma coming my way especially now.

Signed, Torn

Dear Torn,

I have written in the past that once you get married, your first allegiance should shift to the new family that you and your spouse have just formed. You are not, however, in that position yet. You still have a foot in both worlds. You want to make a commitment to this relationship but you are still living at home. Despite the fact that you are an adult, your mother is still an important influence in your life and a source of hard-won wisdom.

I agree you should be careful about creating immense amounts of tension with your parents over this relationship. Assuming you end up marrying this guy, everyone will be much happier if he has a good shot at getting along well with his mother-in-law. Does that mean you should just let your mother tell you what to do? No, but you are right to be concerned about the long-term effects of any conflict you create now. Sometimes these sorts of issues can cause rifts that last a lifetime.

It is true that many people live together before getting married, so much so that much of the social stigma that used to be associated with doing so has now gone away. Several readers of this site have left comments in the past suggesting that living together is a good way to “try out” the practical side of a relationship, a way to find out if you are a good fit when it comes to sharing dishwashing duties and a tube of toothpaste.

I can tell that your mother disagrees with this view ... and so do I.

The theory sounds great -- let’s make sure we are compatible before making the ultimate commitment. You say you want to enjoy your engagement for a while and this seems to you like the best way to do so. These arguments have merit, and I suspect some readers will once again leave comments in favor of these factors.

To me, though, there are also risks with this scenario. I’ve seen the downside outweigh the good.

Every relationship has challenges. There are always times when your little voice inside pipes up and asks if all this stress is really worth it. “Wouldn’t it be easier to just walk away?” Living together brings extra stresses regardless of whether you get married first. You and your partner must share life to an unprecedented level, which opens up all sorts of possibilities for joy, but also for conflict. If you are married, you have extra incentive to stick it out, to really try your best to make things work. This increases the chances your relationship will succeed.

Simply moving in together does not create that extra level of commitment. The implication (and sometimes the explicit intention) is that you are trying each other out. This in itself can plant seeds of doubt that will grow like crazy when the inevitable challenges arrive. Then one day an argument erupts and you don’t have that commitment to serve as your shield against adversity. It is all too easy to simply walk away.

This leaves many people feeling inadequate when it comes to relationship skills. “I have failed once,” your inner voice says. “I wasn't good enough for that partner. Will I be good enough the next time?”

More than that, people who have lived together a time or two can struggle when they do get married. They have become used to the idea that living together still leaves the door open for walking out. This same feeling can carry over into the marriage, which leads to all sorts of problems.

Of course, many people manage to live together, remain committed, and have a long and wonderful marriage. I’m not saying living together is always a formula for disaster, just that it brings with it some extra challenges. Relationships are hard enough without weakening the commitment that is typically necessary to make them work.

I would be giving you exactly the same advice if I were in your mother’s shoes: enjoy your engagement for as long as you want to, but strongly consider getting married before moving in together.

Like I said, not everyone agrees with this viewpoint. You need to balance all these factors -- your own judgment and wishes versus the caution urged by folks like me and your mother ... and the potential for future mother-in-law problems for your hubby-to-be.

All the best,
Andrew

Since this is Valentine's Day, why not take a moment and respond to the Question of the Week about Valentine's Day stories.

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Dismaying Story #103: My Husband Looks At Pornography

Dear Andrew,

My husband and I have a 16 month old son and have been married for a little over a year. We have a lovely home and my husband works hard and he is a wonderful father to our son. He is also very caring and would do anything at all for me. He never yells or argues with me. I love him very much and I am very lucky to have him.

When I was pregnant I did not get very much attention from my husband. He didn't want to have sex with me, saying he didn't want to hurt the baby, even though I told him this wasn't possible he still did not want to. I felt very alone and rejected. One night while I was resting on the bed I had to go to the bathroom. I walked past the computer room caught him masturbating to porn. I was very shocked and felt even more rejected. I later found out that he had been doing that a lot while I wasn't around.

Why would he prefer to do that than have sex with me? He told me that it was normal and that all men do it, he said he was doing it when I met him all those years ago on the Internet, and I knew that because I had seen him do it for me, although I didn't realize that he was still doing it to this day. I feel very upset about it and I don't know why. Whenever I leave the house to go somewhere all I can think about is what my husband will be up to, it drives me nuts. If I ask him if he has been masturbating he always says NO. He downloads porno movies all the time and he says he never watches them, but why would he download them if you never planned on watching them?

Do I have insecurity problems? How can I deal with this better? Do all men really do this when their wives are out of the house or downstairs watching TV? Is it normal? Is it healthy for him? Why do I feel like he is cheating on me although he clearly isn't? I wish that I could go back to that night when I walked in on him, if I never seen him doing it then I still wouldn't know what was going on and I think I would prefer it that way. My husband says he only ever did it while watching movies and not ever chatting with anyone on the internet or paying for one of those private shows, but I find it hard to believe him sometimes.

Signed, Feeling Rejected

Dear Feeling Rejected,

I'm always uncomfortable when discussions start turning toward what "everyone else" does. It's kind of like the teenage girl rolling her eyes when the mother complains that the skirt is too short. "Mom, everybody is wearing them!" To which most mothers reply, "I don't care about every other girl; I don't want you wearing that."

Same deal here. Would your feelings change if you found a statistical survey that showed a high percentage of men were regular viewers of porn? I doubt that very much. We could debate the morality of whether what he is doing is right or wrong, but again, that wouldn't solve your issue. I'm a results-oriented kind of guy, and your husband needs to understand that the results here are not up for debate. His behavior is causing you to be unhappy, which means the two of you have a problem. That problem isn't going away regardless of any morality debate or what happens in other people's homes.

As I wrote in this earlier article: It doesn't take much head scratching to understand how porn can be immensely threatening for many women. You want to feel like you are the most special person on the planet to your husband. Your relationship is supposed to be monogamous, which means his desire for intimacy should be satisfied by coming to you, not by turning to other women. When he is getting his jollies by looking at others, the implication is that you are not enough for him, that these other women are superior or more fulfilling. Worse than that, even pictures of other women are somehow preferable, when you are right there in the flesh.

This issue arose in your household at a time when you were already feeling less than desirable to your husband. The weight gain of pregnancy runs counter to society's "slim is beautiful" message, which naturally makes many expectant women feel vulnerable in that regard. Your husband compounded this by shying away from intimacy. I don't know his reasons for doing so, but the effect is clear; you felt unwanted and undesirable in his eyes.

That is a big part of the reason why you have reacted so strongly to the revelation that your husband masturbates. You said in your letter that you didn't find it threatening earlier in your relationship, especially when it was part of a shared activity. At the time you felt secure, wanted, loved, and included. The circumstances are now much different. The two of you now have extra history between you, which includes him rejecting physical intimacy while you were pregnant. Now you feel insecure, unwanted, and pushed aside.

Your husband needs to wrap his head around the realities of your new situation. He believes what he is doing is normal and harmless, and at an earlier phase of your relationship that might have been correct. Now, though, the results are much different and he must react to that. He has not shown sensitivity to your feelings and now he must compensate to make up for that.

He should do everything in his power to make you know you are the pinnacle of desire to him. He should go out of his way to not even glance at another woman for a while, regardless of whether she is walking by on the street or posing on a computer screen. He should sit you down and look into your eyes and assure you that he loves you, that you mean everything to him, that he is sorry for making you feel so terrible, and that he will make it up to you no matter how long it takes. He should cease and desist entirely with all forms of porn (and yes, of course he wouldn't be downloading the stuff unless he was also watching it) because doing otherwise will surely hurt you. His insensitivity has left him with no other option if he wants to make things right again. More than that, he should do this in as visible and transparent a manner as possible -- rid the computer of all such material and show you he is doing so. This is part of demonstrating how much you mean to him.

He should be patient and understanding of your hurt feelings, especially if and when the two of you are snuggling or making love. He should understand it may take a while to rebuild trust, and he should not complain about or criticize any lack of desire on your part in the meantime.

In my opinion, that's what it will take to get you past your understandable feelings of insecurity. In order for that to happen, though, your husband's eyes need to be opened about the effects of his actions. Maybe you should print out this article and ask him to read it. You say he is a caring person who will do anything for you. Hopefully that is true and having his eyes opened in this way will be enough to prompt him to step up and provide the support you need.

All the best,
Andrew

The responses so far to the Question of the Week provide wonderful affirmations of the power and necessity of commitment in relationships. Thanks to everyone who has contributed. I am also interested in examples of the flip side, where a lack of commitment has caused issues. Any thoughts around why commitment might have been lacking would also be helpful. I would appreciate any such insights you have to offer.

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Dismaying Story #66: Family Planning Pressure

Dear Andrew,

Recently at a party my Mom made a comment that, "we'd better have grandchildren while she still had the energy" and everyone laughed, including me. I'm used to this. My Dad whispered something in my ear on my wedding day as we were dancing, and I know how full their hearts will be the day I make them grandparents.

I do however feel pressure from time to time and sometimes it seems to get to me. This is probably typical considering my age and the fact that I've been married for over two years. It's the natural progression and the next step, but lately, it seems to be all I’m hearing. Many of my friends are either already parents, pregnant, trying to conceive or working up to that next step. My husband and I have talked about having children since early in our relationship and have had several serious talks quite a few times about when the time may be right for us. So far, we haven’t been able to answer that, which makes the pressure consume me.

One of my friends happened to be at this party. As the evening was winding down, from across the room in front of all of our guests and after my Mom's humorous comment about grandchildren, this friend shouts that we should get pregnant together. Mind you, she's been trying for all of a week and secondly, we're not that good of friends where that might be something I'd actually consider! I laughed it off because it was #1) none of her business #2) nothing I wanted to discuss with a room full of friends and family.

I managed to contain my composure until most of the guests had left, and then I burst, shouting, "Does it make me a bad person that I’m not pregnant yet?" I looked around the room at dazed faces staring back at me. Crickets chirped, I heard a pin drop - and I felt completely mortified.

It bothers me that my reaction was aimed at the wrong people, and actually those that love and adore me most. It also bothers me that it upset me so much and that I allowed something so small get under my skin. I don't know why it bothered me to the extent that it did, but when she questioned me and my baby motives, I felt like I had to defend our decision, our relationship and that she perceived me as a bad person because I wasn’t reproducing with her.

My husband and I need to decide for us when the time is right. It's not a matter of will we or won't we. We already know that answer. It's a matter of when. For me, it's difficult to know when it is the right time because it's a scary decision full of many unknowns. We're in no hurry for several reasons; for instance I'd like to have a house and a mortgage before we have children.

Thankfully my family all accepted my apologies with a hug, although I am still quite embarrassed about my outburst.

Signed, Not a Mom Yet

Dear Not a Mom Yet,

I always feel a bit sad, for several reasons, when I hear of a young couple getting married in their teens because of a pregnancy. Parents who are so young face many extra challenges, such as trying to be parents and spouses when they are not yet fully mature, the need to earn a living when they may not have completed their education, and so on. One of the big reasons I feel sad for them, though, is that they will miss out on what I consider to be one of the most glorious parts of a marriage. They will have virtually no time to be just a couple, without children.

Anyone who knows me will tell you that I love kids. My wife and I have a few stress factors of our own running around the house and I'm tremendously happy they are part of my life. I am also glad that my wife and I had several years at the beginning of our marriage when it was just the two of us. We had some time to figure out who we were as a couple, to work out how we wanted to handle many life-sharing issues such as balancing the housework, managing household finances, and deciding where and how to spend holidays. We had the opportunity to be together, just the two of us, and to grow close as a couple.

Time. We had the time we needed to develop a strong bond between us. We became married partners in fact, not just on paper. Later, our children also benefited. They got to grow up within the context of a more stable household as a result of those years we had alone.

You say you are in no hurry to have children, but at the same time the decision as to when you take that leap consumes you at times. You feel pressure to have a baby quickly, and at the same time you want to wait for a number of reasons.

You strike me as a people pleaser and a planner. Both of these can be good things, but in this case they also add to your stress. You care very much what others think of you and your actions, so their comments about babies weigh on you. The needs and desires of others add to the pile of reasons in your mind as to why you should consider having a baby sooner rather than later. Being a careful planner, though, you want to have your ducks in order before you take the plunge. This is a big part of the push-pull conflict that has you so stressed out.

First you should recognize where all that pressure is coming from. Did the comments from your mother and friend create the stress inside you? No, they merely contributed to it. If the "when to conceive" debate was not already a huge issue for you, then you would have laughed those comments off easily with hardly a second thought. You have had a raw nerve over this issue for some time, though, so their comments hit home in a big way. They awakened your internal self doubts, which fought and tumbled inside you for a while as the party wound down. You worked yourself into such a highly agitated state that your frustration made you burst out.

Of course your family hugged and forgave you. I can tell from your reaction that such outbursts are not typical for you. Your family knows this, and can no doubt tell you are feeling pressure. You should forgive yourself, as well; most of us do things like that once in a while and it's no big deal.

You and your husband have only been married two years. For some people that is enough "couple time" prior to having children, but for you it is not. You should accept that and take the time you need before taking the leap into parenthood. If it helps you feel any better, the magic number for my wife and I turned out to be six years. (... and her grandmother was convinced that any couple who waited so long was destined to be childless.) So relax. You have plenty of time.

Since you are a planner, here is a suggestion that might help you put the issue more to the back of your mind for a while. Make a list of the major life issues you want to take care of before having your first child. Ignore the desires of your friends and parents; this is your life and the decision should be based on your needs, not theirs. At the bottom of the list, write down a rough guess-timate of the number of years it will take to work through the issues. Talk with your husband -- are you both okay with the idea of waiting that long to have children? If not, pick a compromise that makes both of you comfortable. Back up nine months from that point, mark a big red "X" on your mental calendar, and give yourself permission to spend the intervening time focusing on life and each other.

Of course, things may not work out exactly like your plan, and that's okay. You may change your minds in the meantime, and we all know what Mother Nature likes to do with such plans. Giving yourself permission to focus on something else is the key, though. You should decide, for your own sanity, that it is okay for you to stop obsessing about it for a while. Then when someone drops a baby hint, hopefully you can simply smile, knowing you have already taken into account what is important for you and your husband.

All the best,
Andrew

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