Dismaying Story #145: Husband Poaching

Dear Andrew,

Lately, a woman in my husband's office has seemed to take a romantic interest in him. I believe he's loyal to me, but it bothers me that she thinks she has a chance, and is not leaving him alone. She knows he's married, so her initial email to him was "So, do you have any younger brothers available?"

It's hard for me to believe my husband doesn't know that's one of the most cliché pick-up lines in the book—cleverly designed to gauge a crush's commitment to his/her current relationship, while simultaneously implying that you're into that person. "I know you're taken, so I'll let you know I'm interested in you by telling you I'm looking for romance, and I'd be interested in someone a lot like you since I guess I can't have the real you....or can I?"

Let's rewind a bit. He met one woman, we'll call her Betty, while we were dating. Betty called him at all hours of the night just to talk and would sound a little put out that he was with me (I could hear her on the line). She invited him on outings that he emphatically insisted were not dates, and showed up to his house with videos in hand at 11 p.m. on Friday nights when she thought I wasn't there. These kinds of things happened all the time with her. I grumbled about it, but didn't want to be the "insecure" jealous type and I wanted to prove that I trusted him, so I kept my cool and played nice with her.

I thought it would cease with our marriage, but she still calls and emails him (though less now than before). His tone of voice on the phone reveals how special she is to him. When I get upset about it, he sighs to demonstrate how tiring my insecurities are, makes me out to be a jealous, petty nag, defends her, a fight ensues, and he enters a defiantly defensive gridlock and essentially refuses to cut ties.

I feel that Betty wouldn't persist in such a way if she felt that it was hopeless, that she didn't have a chance. After a few years of her blatant disrespect for relationship boundaries and his unwillingness to honor my role as his wife, I started to lose trust in him. So without his knowledge, I got in the habit of monitoring his email for any sign that he was giving her reasons to persist. This snooping, however, feels like a dirty, compulsive weakness. Part of me is looking for damning guilt, but part of me hopes that I will find something that redeems him.

I learned of the more recent office admirer (let's call her Wilma) while observing this email correspondence. It makes me think he's developed a habit of passively encouraging this behavior because it's flattering, which I can understand, but this encouragement allows her to undermine me and mock our marriage. The fact that she is so brazen indicates that she is a mate poacher, something I've been hearing a lot about lately. I learned that poachers target people in serious relationships because of the thrill and power of seducing an unavailable person, taking competitive behavior to a new level. When a man flirts with me knowing that I'm married, I'm a little offended. He is discrediting the significance of my marriage and disrespecting not only my boundaries, but also my husband.

Just like with Betty, my husband defends Wilma. He defends this situation and insists it's a cordial, professional relationship. I don't buy it. In my opinion, there is really no such thing as harmless flirting with someone else's spouse and it concerns me when people brush it off as innocent. In fact, I think the likelihood of adultery is intensified when people militantly dismiss it as "innocent"; it's as if they like their guards to be down, and are desperate and determined to remain that way, as vulnerable to temptation as possible.

Because of her brazen arrogance, and her apparent confidence that she could poach my husband any time she wanted, I am incensed. It's not enough for me to know she's wrong. I need HER to know it. Maybe I am too insecure, and this is definitely petty. But I feel like a chump and I'm angry that he's not sticking up for me—or for his own marriage.

I have been giving him extra praise to ensure he isn't craving it enough to seek it from anyone else, but I feel like nothing I say as his wife is as exciting as the things that come from the fun, fresh, coworker who doesn't HAVE to say those things. I know that I'm superior to her in pretty much every way (personality, success, looks, class, talent, and the fact that I'm not a tacky menace) and that I shouldn't be threatened. I guess it just enrages me to watch her try.

Imagine that you lived next to a pedophile and you had small children. You have taught them all about strangers and grown-ups that could hurt them even when the ones who seem nice. You've even specifically warned your kids to stay away from the pervert next door, and you know they would not get into his house or car if he asked them to. But when they walk to their bus stop, you can see the pedophile staring at them and trying to figure out ways to entice them. Wouldn't that disturb you?

My husband is obviously more discerning and less vulnerable than a small child, but I am just as upset knowing there is a woman who has her eyes on him, plotting to take him. It's also upsetting that he refuses to see her as predatory (yes, it's a strong word…but the shoe fits) and thus lives with his guard down.

I have concluded that no matter what I do, he can't be convinced and she can't be stopped. The only way to get through my issues will be to do it on my own and make peace with it. It seems impossible to do. I understand that jealousy in small doses is not harmful and in fact can add a little flavor to the relationship…but this is different than that. I put up with this type of drama in my dating years. But I'm married now and I should not have to deal with these kinds of things anymore. I hate that I'm competing for my own husband. I hate that he's allowing it. I REALLY hate that he defends her and I hate that I can't do anything about it. It's making me into an angry, bitter, untrusting person.

From an outside perspective, do you believe I should be concerned? Do you believe these situations lead to adultery? How can I stop this pattern? How can I just shrug it off like some women? I would love your insight.

Signed, Protecting What's Mine

Dear Protecting What's Mine,

I understand your anger toward the women you consider to be potential mate poachers; I would also resent someone I thought was making a serious play for my spouse. To me, though, the main issue does not depend on whether you are right or wrong about the intentions of those women. My concern is the way your husband has handled the situation.

His first interest should be in safeguarding and nurturing the relationship he has with you. He is not doing that. He knows the things that bother you, yet he continues to do them. This shows a blatant disregard for your feelings. He is not attaching the degree of importance that he should to looking after you and the relationship between the two of you.

Results matter. If the result of some behavior is damage to your marriage, then that should be enough for him to stop that behavior, or at least work with you to make sure you are not being hurt by that behavior. He is doing neither.

He has learned that you will put up with him crossing the line. If you need to own a piece of this problem, this is it -- by not wanting to appear jealous or petty, you have taught him that you will put up with it.

He can't control what other women do, but he can control his responses to those other women. His response to them should be: "This makes my wife uncomfortable so you have to stop doing this." The fact that he won't do so is a major danger signal in terms of how close the bond is between the two of you.

You should make this point with him and insist that he put your needs before those of one of his friends, regardless of whether the friend is male or female.

You are not being overly sensitive or jealous. He is being insensitive, uncaring and flirtatious because he likes this attention from other women -- another danger sign. Allowing another woman to drop by to watch a movie alone with him at 11 pm on a Friday night is WAYYYY over the line... and he knows it. Everybody knows that, which means he is getting a payoff from it, enough that he is willing to battle with you to retain it.

An ongoing email correspondence with another woman where he discusses personal matters about you and his marriage -- to me that is one form of emotional affair.

It is also a bad sign that he is willing to let someone else demean you and your marriage without defending you. A husband who holds his wife and marriage in high regard would never allow that or condone it with silence. I would shut anybody down in a heartbeat if they said something nasty about my wife, and that includes my parents, boss, children, co-workers ... you name it. I would simply never allow anyone to do it. You are right to be upset about this. Furious and hurt would be the appropriate response from you.

Yes I would consider all of these to be danger signs in terms of adultery. If I were you I would check out my post from November 10 entitled Catching a Cheating Spouse. I note that this article mentions monitoring of email and phone records as possible ways to find out if your spouse is being unfaithful.

Your path to freedom is not just to accept this behavior from your husband. Instead you should make the arguments I have made in this email and insist that he stop. If he persists in ignoring your complaints ... well, you have to decide how far you are willing to go to back up your request that he treat your with dignity and respect.

If you think he might already be cheating, you may wish to wait to confront him until you have read the article I mentioned and followed the advice given there.

These are strong words and I don't mean to add to your hurt and torment. As I see it, though, you will never be happy until the situation changes somehow. You can make it change. Stand up for yourself, say what you mean ... and mean what you say.

All the best,
Andrew

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Dismaying Story #132: Yet Another Age Gap Question

Dear Andrew,

I am 50; she is in her 20's; we met at work recently. She is single, I am not happily married. I have been training her in different aspects of our job - both in the office, and outside, "in the field." Her beautiful eyes and smile have kept me in a trance. I can't believe I told her that her eyes were terrific. She just thanked me (Whew, no lawsuit!) But... her personality, looks, wit and knowledge... all are great. When I see her interact with younger guys at work, I am so jealous! I hate them! I can tell she's more relaxed around them than she is with me. Yeah, I know this is a fantasy, but it hurts! The times we work together are great, she treats me so well. I just don't know what to do once the training is over in 2 months.

Signed, So Close and Yet So Far Away

Dear Not Really All That Close,

Let me see if I can line up all the reasons why you should give your head a hard shake and forget about this.

1) You are married. Okay, so you say you are unhappy. Then work on your marriage! Sit down and have a heart-to-heart with your wife. Go see a counselor. Read a Dr. Phil book. No, I take that back – Read the Dismaying Stories on this site, particularly the posts like this one about commitment.

I have a firm and clear policy about when it is okay to entertain thoughts of spending time and affection on another woman – at a minimum this should happen after you have exhausted all reasonable efforts to make your marriage work, after your efforts have failed, after you have fully and publicly split up, after sufficient time has passed to allow some healing to take place and for the sake of common decency, and after you have fully looked after the needs of any children affected by the split. Since you are still married, you clearly do not fit these criteria. You owe your wife and any children you may have better than this.

2) You are a co-worker and trainer for this young woman, which means you are in a supervisory position. Tossing unwanted attention her way is a BIG no-no, not only personally but also legally...

3) ...and trust me, your attentions ARE almost certainly unwanted. How many 20-somethings yearn to take up with a married 50-something? So few that the chances of her being one fall somewhere between slim and none. Your fantasy is her gross-out.

4) This yearning is unhealthy for you. It has you tied up in knots to the extent that you have resorted to consulting an Internet relationship advice guy, so obviously it is a significant stress in your life. You are wasting your emotional energy worrying about a relationship that should not, cannot, will not ever happen. Along the way you are risking divorce, ridicule, losing your career, and being sued for sexual harassment.

I could go on but I think my message is clear.

Despite the title of this post, notice I have not said anything about the age gap. I have no problem with two grown adults who really love each other having an age gap relationship. As I indicated in this post there are even dating services for such relationships. The problems here lie elsewhere.

You must stop this unhealthy obsession. See a counselor or psychologist if you need the help, but find a way to stop, for your sake, for her sake, and for your wife’s sake.

All the best,
Andrew

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Dismaying Story #112: Worried About the Naked Woman in the Bathtub

Dear Andrew,

I'm in a bit of a dilemma and I'm hoping you can help me sort through it. My boyfriend and I have known each other for two years. Up until October '06 we were really good friends. We've been hopelessly in love for most of the time we've known each other. I lived out of the area for a while so when I moved back for a new job, we decided to start dating.

He has kind of an interesting past. He is 25 and I am only his second relationship. The other was in high school. In the time between he had what he called 'randoms' -- women he had sexual relationships with. Since we've been together he has assured me he loves me and that he would never cheat or stray or do anything to make me lose confidence in our relationship. For the most part, he's done that.

We both work full time and our schedules rarely mesh, but we see each other 3-4 days a week and talk on the phone every day. When we are together, I feel like everything is perfect.

I was cheated on in my last relationship. That left me feeling cautious, especially with his past.

He has seemed withdrawn the last few weeks. It could just be the fact that he's looking for a new job and his immediate future is uncertain. We've already spoken about moving in together over the summer and where our life is going to go. I was concerned, and I have the passwords to his email, MySpace, IM services, etc. He told them to me one night when we'd had a bit too much wine with dinner. I went into his email and MySpace yesterday and found in his email activation notices and newsletters from various dating and sex personal sites. I also found emails from a woman. The emails started out innocent enough. Her saying she was working too much, him saying that was no good. But then she said all she needed was a hot bath to recoup. He replied saying he had images of her naked in the bathtub and he shouldn't keep going because his mind was full of dirty thoughts. She replied saying that was fine, and he replied back saying they should IM or talk on the phone. These exchanges occurred about 3 weeks ago. His accounts on the personal sites are all active and have been accessed in the last week or two.

Should I confront him or just let it go? If I confront him, he'll know I was snooping, and I don't know for sure if he would have actually met her, or anyone else. Or do I let it go and wait for him to cheat, while hoping he doesn't?

Signed, In a Dilemma

Dear In a Dilemma,

That's quite a pickle -- in order to confront him about doing something underhanded, you have to confess to doing something underhanded. That's not the big issue, though. He has a track record of relationships with no commitment. For years he has been getting together with women for fun and jollies with absolutely no expectations placed on him.

Could he change and go monogamous with you? Of course he could. People mature; their needs and goals evolve. However you now have clear evidence that he has not changed his ways. He is actively looking for other women. There is no other reason why he would be working the dating sites, not to mention baldly flirting about sex and nakedness with another woman. This is completely unacceptable in a committed relationship. He was doing his best to develop a sexual relationship with that woman, and based on her email response I would be surprised if he hasn't already succeeded. His withdrawn nature during the time since those emails is another clue pointing to the same thing.

My advice is to walk away. Your boyfriend is still too immature and self-centered to commit to a stable relationship, and staying will only end up hurting you. He may eventually be ready to commit, but he is not there yet, and waiting for him to get there would be a GALACTICALLY bad idea for you. He may never get there and the journey would be so painful for you that the relationship would be poisoned beyond repair by the time he did.

The worst thing you could do would be stay and say nothing. You would be setting yourself up for more pain. (I say "more" because I'm sure it hurt plenty to discover what you did.)

Could you confront him, hope that he will break down and apologize and swear to never do anything like that again and the two of you will live happily ever after? Sure, you could, but in my opinion the chances of that scenario happening lie somewhere between zero and unlikely. He has proven he is not ready to give up his wandering ways. Confronting him would likely result in an immediate break-up, which he could then blame on your "deceitful" ways in invading his privacy.

It's up to you if you want to admit that you looked at his email (and honesty is the best policy, even if the admission is painful) but either way I recommend you find yourself another guy, one who is ready for the kind of relationship you deserve.

All the best,
Andrew

Several readers have already responded to the Question of the Week about relationships in fiction. Take a moment to see what books other people list as their favorites, and maybe nominate one of your own.

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Dismaying Story #109: Mr. Indecisive

Dear Andrew,

I am currently in a relationship with my girlfriend of about 18 months, however we've known each other and have been involved off and on for the last 12 years. All this time she has always wanted to be in a committed serious relationship and I resisted, meanwhile getting into those very same type relationships with other women. For some reason I just never thought it'd work out or that we were compatible. We would see each other for a couple months at a time before one of us would say or do something to anger the other and we wouldn't speak for months. We followed this same routine for 12 years (not including when someone was in a relationship).

Eventually I decided to do what I felt everyone (friends and family on both sides) felt like I should do, which was "be" with her. Admittedly, allowing what others thought was right to influence me was the wrong thing to do. But I really do love her and I felt like that was enough. Well, immediately into the relationship, the issues began to arise. We fight regularly over simple matters that I attribute to us being and thinking so differently on EVERYTHING.

After about a year we decided to try living together. She moved into my house and this was a much easier transition than either of us expected. But I had hoped it would help our relationship and it hasn't. Basically, my way of coping with the constant conflict between us is to shut down and just try not to incite anything. The only way I could do this was to keep interaction to a minimum, which of course was detrimental in its own way. I started to feel like I was unable to be myself around my own girlfriend for fear that a fight would break out over something I'd done or said without realizing it.

I made an emotional connection with another woman, which my girlfriend found out about. She considers this cheating and I've always known her stand on emotional/physical cheating. It's all cheating. So now, she is waiting for me to make a decision on whether or not I feel that the relationship is worth working on. She says I've never given her the opportunity to "fix" our problems because I wasn't communicating with her but instead, I was shutting down, avoiding the issues (she's in school for her doctorate in psychology also).

She has always said I should not feel obligated to her, that I should only try to save the relationship if I really believe it can work. The problem is I don’t believe it can work but I'll always feel obligated to make her happy after so many years of disappointing and hurting her. I don't know that I'm willing to hurt her one last time.

Unfortunately, I feel the damage has been done and I'm not sure I can be happy in this situation anymore. However, I also know how miserable I will be if she leaves. I'm well aware that if she leaves, chances are, I'd never see her again. She's made it very clear that it would be almost impossible for her to forgive me.

Am I just afraid to tell her that I think it's too late to fix the relationship or am I afraid of how serious this relationship is and will be?

Signed Mr. Indecisive

Dear Mr. Indecisive,

Your letter says in several ways that you don’t want to be with her. “I never thought it would work out. I thought we weren’t compatible. I’m not sure I can be happy with her. I don’t believe it can work. It’s too late to fix things.”

Okay, I’ve got it -- despite your longstanding friendship with her, you don’t think this is a good relationship for you.

So what makes you think staying with her would be such a good deal for her? Why would you let your friend invest her time and emotional energy into a guy who doesn’t believe she is the most amazing partner ever? Why would you allow her to sell herself short like that? You said it yourself -- you are not participating fully in the relationship, which means she is getting a raw deal.

Maybe you could change. Maybe you could get serious and give this gal your all. That’s a nice idea but it seems to me you already tried that when the relationship first started. It didn’t work. The disagreements and disconnect started immediately.

What will likely happen if you hang on? My prediction is the turmoil will continue; your history shows this is highly probable. You will continue to feel trapped and dissatisfied. She will continue to sense your obvious discomfort, which means she will also be dissatisfied. Eventually one or the other of you will be so tired of the same old pattern that the relationship will end, but only after prolonging the dysfunction for a while.

You said you feel obligated to make her happy. Trust me; that’s not what you are doing by hanging on.

You should do her a favor and end it now. This may be a difficult message in the short-term, but it is a much more painful situation if you keep her in a doomed relationship for longer than you have to. The sooner you release her, the sooner she can find a guy who will be truly into her.

I wish both of you all the best in working this out.

With warm regards,
Andrew

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Dismaying Story #108: The Mid-Level Manager

Dear Andrew,

I have been with my girlfriend for seven years. We have a child together.

She began cheating on me five years ago, and then it started again two years ago, multiple times. Finally, I had to end the relationship, despite counseling we went through. She continued to have the affair, during 6 months of counseling.

I am a very rational person and chose not to be bitter, for both my sake and my daughter. My partner then proceeded to "lure" me back into the relationship, while still being separated. I began to get back into the relationship carefully. She is living apart from me, but I have been to get her back, despite what she did to me (yes, it is sort of humiliating). She is still having multiple relationships hidden from me, and still wants to keep me as a plan B. She cannot be trusted.

She does have several emotional issues, as a child (raised by alcoholic parents both who were dead before 50 years of age). It seems she is not happy with herself and is addicted to attention. Her outlet is sexual attention from as many guys as she can get. She denies it all. I suggested personal counseling but I don’t feel she is capable of doing it.

I have never been able to discuss emotional issues with her because it hurts, which has been the thrust of some of our problems. I almost consider the way she has disregarded my feelings as emotional abuse.

I really believe anything is possible. I am a Mid-Level Manager and believe in developing employees into positive peak performers. I have been credited with turning around many problematic employees. I guess that’s similar as to what I am trying to do here. However, this is definitely different. I cannot control / influence the actions of this girl. She believes she needs time, but we’re spending time going down a dangerous slope.

The sad thing is, I love her so much and I want my child to have parents who are together. I think I have convinced myself she is right for me, and I fear starting over with someone else.

Why is she still hanging on to me? Why won’t she tell the truth? Am I just another pawn in her game? I could use some advice.

Signed, Unsure What To Do

Dear Unsure,

You ask why she does the things she does, but the issue to me is this -- why do you do the things you do? Why do you stay with in a relationship with so many obvious problems? You’ve suggested a few possibilities, so let’s consider them one at a time.

You want your daughter to have parents who are together. Fair enough. That’s a good thing ... if by staying together you are providing her with positive role models and a healthy, nurturing environment. I question whether this relationship can provide that for her. What will she learn from seeing her mother being unfaithful over and over again, or from seeing you accept poor treatment and a complete lack of commitment from your partner? Children mimic what they see and grow up to emulate what they’ve known. In some cases it can be in the child’s best interest to not maintain a broken home.

You think there’s a chance you can turn her around, which will then turn the relationship around. While your partner may eventually resolve some of her internal issues and change her behavior, you’ve got seven years of recent history that shows how unlikely this is to happen anytime soon. And this is entirely different from managing people in a workplace, for several reasons. Obviously this is personal rather than professional, neither of you have a subordinate role (at least I certainly hope not), and your emotional involvement is monumentally higher. You can think rationally while at work, while that can be much more difficult when it comes to your partner.

You love her. You think she might be “the one” so you should hang on no matter what. Well you can think of love as a feeling or as a behavior. Two people can have all sorts of fuzzy feelings for each other, but it’s their behavior that actually impacts their partner. Is your partner acting in a loving way toward you? Is she acting in a loving way toward your daughter by honoring her parents’ relationship? Clearly not. I don’t know what defines “the one” for you, but I would hope you would have higher ambitions for a life partner than that.

You fear trying again with someone else. I suspect that has more to do with your desire to hang on than any of the other reasons. The future is full of scary unknowns if you walk away. Will the next woman hurt you too? Will you be able to find someone else who doesn’t mind the fact that you are already a father? “Will anyone else even want a person like me?” you ask yourself, and you suspect the answer is “No.” If you can convince yourself that you are worthy of love and commitment (and you are), I suspect this will go a long way toward making it clear how you should move forward.

She hangs onto you because you allow her to do so. She isn’t looking for a committed relationship with all those other guys, and she is clearly incapable of providing one for you. This is not a game to her -- instead I suspect she is an incredibly unhappy person who is engaging in self-destructive behavior for any number of dysfunctional reasons. Telling the truth would mean admitting her problems and, in all probability, losing you.

Your partner has some work to do if she wants to feel better about herself, and I think the same is true of you. Her repeated infidelity has turned your partnership into a mockery. She lies to you and cheats on you. If I were you, I would want more out of a relationship than that. You should seriously consider whether your reasons for staying are valid.

All the best,
Andrew

This story involves an element of fear, which is the focus of the current Question of the Week. If you haven't yet had a chance to pitch in, I'd appreciate hearing your views on the subject.

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Dismaying Story # 96: Uncharacteristic Behavior

This question came to me by way of my colleague Rod Smith, a family therapist, coach, author and newspaper columnist whose blog is listed in my sidebar under Difficult Relationships.

Dear Andrew,

My girlfriend and I, both 24 years old, have been in a committed relationship for four and a half years. We both form part of an extended social group involving university and church activities. She has been loved and accepted as part of my family as we intend to marry after we complete our studies in 2007. All of her immediate family has emigrated. We have slept together but in the context of a committed loving relationship.

Recently, all within a few weeks, she began an sms flirtation with the boyfriend of a friend of hers (an old school friend not part of our group who is overseas for a while) which developed into exchanging provocative emails in which she sent him full frontal nude pictures of herself. They did meet a few times and she then drove a considerable distance to spend the night with him one night. This obviously took place without my knowledge.

Through our extensive social network, I and our friends have found out, and are shocked and confused by her uncharacteristic behavior and betrayal. She does not deny anything, but strangely does not understand and can not explain her actions and appears to be embarrassed and upset about what she has done, although I have to wonder if this has only surfaced because she has been found out.

My family and I now face a choice of assisting her (and me) perhaps with counseling to discover the root of her actions and reconcile, or to move our lives forward without her to avoid further betrayal.

My question is – can you offer any insight as to why someone might suddenly behave in a manner so out of keeping with their normal character, and although understanding the hurt she has caused can not offer any explanation?

Signed, Baffled and Surprised

Dear Baffled and Surprised,

When you say her dalliance is uncharacteristic, ask yourself if that is in comparison with (a) her inner characteristics, or (b) your experience with her. It can only be the latter, because there is no way for you to understand her nature except through her external actions; only she can experience her hopes, desires, dreams, and emotions directly.

In the past you have seen her behave as a committed, church-going individual. Now you see a completely different side of her exposed and you ask yourself if your longstanding opinions could be wrong. You planned to marry, and you became committed to this plan in every sense of the word. You have invested a considerable amount of time, energy and emotion into your dream for the future, and quite understandably you would rather not have to abandon this dream and start over. You are grieving the possible loss of your idyllic future together and grasping for some possibility that would allow you to regain what you have lost.

Your letter implies the possibility of some psychological or medical condition that might explain the affair as an uncontrollable sudden impulse that surprised even her, something for which she could be treated and cured so you could have your future back. This is so extremely unlikely that I would categorize it under wishful thinking on your part. If she had some treatable condition that affected her behavior to that extent, this would have exhibited itself in many aspects of her life.

Instead, she behaved normally toward you in every way while she snuck around behind your back and very deliberately worked her way from flirtation to brazen overture and finally a sexual affair. She clearly wanted this, planned it, orchestrated it and made it happen. Is this out of character for her? In one sense it is -- this is a departure from your past experience with her. She has now shown you, however, that her true nature extends beyond what you have known in the past. You have discovered her to be two-faced, deceitful and selfish, but this is inconsistent with your cherished future plans so you don't want to believe it.

She is embarrassed because she got caught, period. She is not at all confused about why she had the affair; she did it because she wanted to, because her commitment to your relationship is nowhere near as complete as your own. She didn't offer any explanation to you because she had none that would satisfy you and allow your relationship to continue. She wants her safe engagement and her fun on the side, and she knows she would lose you if she told you the bald truth about why she had the affair.

If you marry this woman, you are letting yourself in for more of the same kind of treatment. Continuing with her will send a clear message that she can engage in whatever kind of behavior she wants and you will find a way to sweep it under the rug and keep on truckin'.

This is not a case for therapy. My advice is to run. Cut your losses and start fresh.

All the best,
Andrew

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Dismaying Story #88: An Emotional Affair

Dear Andrew,

About a year ago I started getting active in on-line forums, which offer private messaging. I became friends with a single man, aged 52, who lives several states away. We talk about our day-to-day lives but never about sex. He means so much to me and has told me I mean so much to him. We have each other's phone numbers but have never spoken on the phone or in person. He sent me some flowers and a book when I was on a short trip by myself. I have sent him cards, just friendship cards.

I told him I was not looking to leave my marriage. My love for my frequent-traveler husband has been gone over the past few years, but I still have to raise my children.

I do love this man. I love him in my life. I feel like I have a friend for life now. I've always been wary of on-line relationships but not anymore. The thing is, I feel guilty for having a friend like this. My husband would never understand.

I am not looking for your approval. I just wanted to confide in someone, on the outside.

Signed, Just Fell Into This Relationship

Dear Just Fell,

I believe your husband would understand exactly what this on-line relationship means, and I think you do too.

Ask yourself a couple of tough questions. Why do you think your husband would react negatively to your friendship with this other man? And why have you hidden it from everyone? The reason is you know you have crossed a line.

Here is a good test for whether an action represents a betrayal of your significant other. Would you do it if they were watching you? If not, you should consider strongly whether you should be doing it.

This is more than a casual friendship with someone of the opposite gender. You have developed an attachment to this man of the sort you feel is missing in your marriage. In short, you are having an emotional affair, and this is definitely a betrayal of the commitment you made to your husband.

I understand that things can get rocky in marriage for all sorts of reasons, including frequent separation like you and your hubby must endure. You may feel like the spark is gone and there is no way to get it back. Your life at home is full of work, kids, stress, and enough hum-drum to fill a dump truck. This is what you share with your husband, which means much of the time you spend together is filled with neutral or even negative experiences.

Your on-line friend, on the other hand, is your escape from the storm. With him everything is always, "Hi! Glad to hear from you!" You are always in mini-vacation mode when talking with him. This is spiced with excitement of newness and the thrill of the forbidden.

If you step back and think about this for a moment, you will realize this is an entirely unfair way to compare the two men in your life. Imagine you could perform this magic experiment. Pretend your online friend is your husband. Now he is the one who is away all the time and has to share the stress of kids and bills with you. What personality characteristics would come out in this man that you have had no opportunity to observe? Your husband, on the other hand, is now the new spark that you only get to glimpse when the two of you have time to have a virtual cup of coffee together. You have nothing but fun experiences with him.

Now which man would be holding your interest? I suspect the shoe would be entirely on the other foot.

Let's take it a step further. Suppose you left your husband and went to live with your on-line friend. Now you would get to run the same experiment for real. All of a sudden life would come crashing into your new relationship, with the same stresses you must deal with now.

I strongly believe that having an affair is never an appropriate response to troubles in your marriage. All you end up doing is hurting your spouse and your children, and feeling guilty about yourself. This is no path to happiness.

It is possible to re-generate sparks in a marriage that has become hum-drum. We all feel good about people with whom we share fun and positive experiences. The problem is that it can be difficult to make room for such experiences in the midst of bills, jobs and kids. Too many of us get out of the habit of having fun with our spouse, and situations like yours are often the result. We become convinced there is no time or no money.

Baloney. It may take some inventiveness and willpower, but it is possible to schedule fun activities with your spouse. The key is to realize how amazingly critical it is to do so, and to elevate the task to project status. Decide you are absolutely going to make it happen and don't let anything stand in your way, including your hubby, who has probably fallen into the same trap of believing it can't be done or isn't worth it.

It is totally worth it. I recommend you give this a shot.

Even with such efforts, however, the sad reality is that not all marriages are destined to succeed. I still don't believe an affair is justified. You made a commitment to your husband. If you wish to back out, then do so first. Getting involved with a third party while you are still married just muddies the water and strips you of your dignity.

You say you are staying for the children. The best thing you can do for them is to restore that lovin' feeling with your spouse. Right now they are witnessing how a marriage works between two people who don't feel much for each other. What a sad role model, and they will view this as normal. You are increasing the chances they will grow up and replicate this model. How much better it would be if they could learn by example that it is normal for husband and wife to beam with happiness at each other and give each other a hug in full view of the world just because they feel like it. And if you can't make that happen, you might want to consider whether your kids would rather be from a broken marriage ... or be living in the midst of one.

All the best,
Andrew

The backlog of questions is tiny indeed these days. Please help me keep the stories flowing. If you have a question or observation you think would be of interest to readers of this site, please consider sending it in. I appreciate all the support!

Check back tomorrow for the Question of the Week, which will deal with young people and domestic violence.

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Dismaying Story #80: Catching a Cheating Spouse

Dear Andrew,

I've been married over a year now. Several years back, with my then-boyfriend now husband, there were issues of trust. More specifically, I did not trust him. I don't consider myself a jealous person, but the distrust was based on vague information, strange stories on his part, things that just didn't add up. Gut instinct, essentially.

Here we are, 3 years later, and I feel much better. I should say, I felt much better until last night. I went to bed before my spouse, as usual. I had been watching something scary on TV, and decided to leave the bedroom door open, something we don’t normally do. I struggled to fall asleep, and within 15 or 20 minutes, I noticed he was on the phone. This is not unusual. He’s got family in Europe and often talks to them late at night. What was unusual about this was that his conversation was in English. I could not hear anything specific, but I did notice his tone. It was soft, not something he ever adjusts when talking to family or friends, regardless of the time of day. They’re loud people. The TV, which he originally had on, was turned down. Shortly thereafter, he turned it up, loud enough to cover the conversation. It reminded me of the way he used to talk to me on the phone, way back when during our courtship; as if he was trying to conceal the privacy of our conversations from other ears. Only this time, I was the other set of ears.

I struggled to listen from the bedroom for a while, but thought, “This is ridiculous!” I walked out into the living room, sat down and watched TV while he continued his conversation. His voice increased in volume (as if now there was nothing to hide) and he lowered the volume of the earpiece. It didn’t matter. I could tell it was a woman. The conversation seemed to change course when I entered the room. He began filling in details about his work day. Then it turned to some conflict at work. He eventually said, “I’ve gotta go” and hung up. I didn’t ask anything, but continued to watch TV. He immediately informs me that this assistant manager was calling him for his advice, and he was being dragged into a problem at work that he didn’t want a part of. Only problem was, his phone never rang. It was 11:00 at night.

My husband has a history of lying about things that are seemingly small, in order to avoid conflict. The problem is, those small lies created doubt in my mind, particularly on a night like last night. I hadn’t noticed any of these lies until a few months ago, when I caught him in a very strange lie, but couldn’t expose him. As I’ve mentioned, I’m not a jealous or suspecting person. So why did I lay in bed last night fantasizing about finding his phone and checking to see who made the call and who received that call? And his phone? Out of sight. Not by his bedside this morning and not in the living room. The basis for my insecurity is a sporadic and unsatisfying sex life. Andrew, what sort of advice can your offer now that you have some insight into the mind of a wife who fears her husband is seeking physical companionship from another woman? We absolutely cannot afford the cost of therapy at this time, though I believe we desperately need it.

Signed, Suspicious

Dear Suspicious,

Those who have discovered that their spouse has been having an affair often comment that the signs of the infidelity had been evident for a while but they chose not to believe them. Your account of the late night phone call does not make you seem like a jealous, insecure wife. On the contrary, it sounds like your instincts are spot on. His behavior did not fit with familiar patterns and he lied about receiving the phone call rather than making it. I would be suspicious too.

Your letter also suggests other ongoing problems in your marriage. There are trust issues dating back some time, an unsatisfactory sex life (which means it is almost certainly unsatisfactory for him as well) and he has a habit of telling lies. This sounds like a high-risk situation to me. According to the FAQFarm article Signs of a Cheating Spouse, here are a few of the common indicators:

• They act distant. Your intimacy level goes down.
• You stop having sex, or have sex less often.
• Someone from the opposite sex calls that you never heard off. Perhaps they say it is a business call.
• They develop a special interest in appearance and personal grooming.
• They start having unexplained time away. For example, a trip to the store for some milk takes an hour, or they frequently call to tell you they will be home late, e.g. they are helping out a friend, their truck broke down.

The first few items from that list could be taken directly from your letter. There are other signs and I suggest you look at the article.

Another danger sign is something you didn't say. When a marriage is in good shape and the trust level is high, then life is an open book. Neither partner has anything to hide so asking questions is not considered threatening. If that had been me and my wife in your story, I have no doubt she would have immediately come back with, "What do you mean someone called you? The phone didn't ring. And I could hear that it was a woman's voice." All the cards would have been on the table immediately. I'm not saying that is what you should have done (see below), just that your silence is one more indicator of a less-than-trusting relationship.

In your situation, I believe you reacted appropriately by saying nothing. I have seen several resources that advise you to keep your initial suspicions to yourself, including an About.com article called How to Catch a Cheating Spouse. This article suggests several reasons for waiting:

• If you are wrong, your lack of trust can hurt your spouse and damage your relationship.
• Your spouse is apt to make more mistakes if you act trusting and dumb than if you accuse them.
• If they are cheating, you should wait to accuse them until you have enough evidence to prove it and you're ready to take action.
• For your own sake, you should wait until you can handle their response. Suspecting is one thing; having them confirm their adultery is much worse.

I suggest you should try to gather the information you need to confirm whether your suspicions are true. You said you can't afford therapy, so I suspect the same is true of a private detective. If so, the About.com article also offers several ways you can gather information on your own, including the following:

• Keep a detailed journal of your spouse's activities. See if there is a pattern to your spouse's 'extra' times away.
• Record times and dates of phone calls that are hang-ups and/or wrong numbers. Call unknown phone numbers from a pay phone, say nothing, see if you can identify who answers.
• Check the mileage on the car before and after trips.
• Become unpredictable. Show up at your spouse's office for lunch without notice. Say you're working late when you plan on being home early or on time.
• Read their email.
• Go through their wallet or purse.

We all have a tendency to avoid looking for answers when the result might be bad news. In a case like yours, though, finding out the worst is still better than not knowing.

Regardless of whether he is cheating, you are right in thinking that your marriage has issues, with a general lack of trust and closeness at the top of the list. If you decide to work on those issues, here are a couple of quick suggestions:

• Sharing positive experiences tends to build closeness. Find ways to have fun together on a regular basis.
• Trust develops when both partners live life as an open book. Ask him if he is willing to do so, and get in the habit of having absolutely no secrets from each other.

Of course, these suggestions may be difficult to achieve if he is in the habit of lying to you, or if he is indeed cheating. Not all marriages survive that kind of betrayal.

I wish you luck in your search for answers.

All the best,
Andrew

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Dismaying Story #78: She Found Someone Else

This heartfelt story is a touch on the long side, but it is a poignant description of a painful situation that all too many people end up facing. I offer a few thoughts of my own at the end.

Dear Andrew,

I am a man who has been married for seven years. I have been a father since I was seventeen and my wife was sixteen. We did not get married out of some obligation to try to make it work for the child. We got married three years later when we realized our love was deeper than ever.

I decided that I needed to get into a better job and took a chance on a commission based job. It was hard and retail was hard on the family time. After finding no better pay and the store closing I got a new job at a better place and things started to look up until the winter when sales drop dramatically but the bills don't. Our credit card debt grew along with my depression. I got to a point where I was desperate to get out the hole we had dug but the debt grew. We tried to work on our spending but my wife wanted to have fun and that included going to bars. I didn't mind going out except I could never get the debt out of my head.

Along the way I became more and more depressed and I just suppressed it. I became moody a lot and the job's hours forced me to miss a lot of things with the family. It was hard but I felt that my love for my family would keep me going on.

Things got worse and our debt got to an overwhelming number and my wife decided we had to do something drastic. She found a job where all the money did not have to go to daycare. We were so happy and she was excited. This was our way out of debt and onto a better life. This is when my story of dismay starts.

During the training for the job she became good friends with a man, I guess due to his attentiveness. The job training required a lot of time together. After the training was over we had a vacation for the week of the Fourth of July. I felt there was something amiss but couldn't put my finger on it and tried to have a good time. We made love a few time but it was a family vacation so no real romance. The intimacy was strained and I didn't really think it anything but the fact my family was there. There was no fighting and it was a pleasant time mostly. My wife did go for walks alone a few times and I found out later it was to call her new friend. She called him every day we were there.

When we got back my wife wanted to go see her friends and go out. I was fine with it not worried about anything and just thinking she wanted to catch up. Our seventh year anniversary was that Monday and so was her first day of work. I spent the day with my boys and we had a good time but I didn't do much but laundry. I also had a plan to make the day seem like just another day and then knock her socks off that weekend. I never got the chance.

She went to her friend's apartment who lived down the hall she said to tell her about her day at work. She came back and said we needed to talk. She seemed distant and I stopped what I was doing and asked what was up. She wanted to talk when the boys were asleep but I pressed her asking if she was pregnant. She said no she was unhappily married and had met a friend at work. I was blown away. I had never thought her so unhappy as to look elsewhere for love. She assured me they were just friends but he was understanding and they talked about their similar situations. She said he was married but separated and didn't want a divorce from his wife because it meant a large alimony payment he would have to make. I was hurt and shocked. I was scared but anger never crept into my head that night. I tried to find the words to show her that I did love her and that it was something we could get through but her mind had been made up. That night she stayed over at her friend's house down the hall. I cried myself to sleep wanting to call her but not knowing what to say.

Two days later I moved out to my mother's house. My wife and I talked about what had happened and why she was doing this. She said she had been unhappy for four years but held it in because she had felt trapped with no job and a baby. She said she tried to talk to me about it but couldn't so she thought it would go away. Then she gave me the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" line which I have now found out is the killer of a lot of marriages. I went to a counselor and tried to talk to my wife but she wanted time away and refused to see me. I begged and pleaded and generally went crazy. After many useless conversations and arguments we agreed to see a marriage counselor. It was a disaster because the counselor basically sided with my wife in the belief that there was no hope and it was time to move on. Let me tell you of the rage I felt that day. This was a person who I thought should have got into the issues a little deeper before passing judgment. I know now that we didn't even get near anything that was truly wrong in the marriage and just got to the symptoms.

I read a book called "The Divorce Remedy" and read it and put into act the techniques proscribed within. It is a very good book for anyone in this situation and a true starting point for the road to moving forward. I got a life and worked hard on changing the things I thought were wrong in me and not so much the thing my wife saw as wrong.

It did a lot for my self esteem and confidence. It also showed me that there is a true need for people to stand up for marriage in the U.S. The state of marriage in the States is such a sad affair with a fifty-fifty chance of staying married to one person forever. There is a thought that the individual's happiness is most important no matter what the consequences of the actions. The cycle of divorce is vicious and cruel for most of the people going through it. It is said that one third of the divorces in America are warranted for real reasons of severe abuse and life threatening relationships. The rest could work if there wasn't such an easy road out. Divorce is easier than working on a marriage. In what I have seen it isn't the better road either. The saddest part of it all is the biggest casualties end up being the children and the life they have shattered and torn apart.

My efforts to work on saving my marriage haven't got me back with my wife and she is still moving toward divorce. I have decided to fight for my wife. I have told her this and we have really duked it out over our conflicting views. My wife tells me that she has lost the physical attraction to me and that once gone it will never come back. I have a different view and that is that she had decided to not be attracted to me because of the want for something more, some greener pastures on that other side of the fence. I know that deep in my heart of hearts we had a real love. We didn't know how to make a marriage work and that was because they never had that class in high school or college or anywhere. There are books to guide you on the way and get you where you need to be. A positive attitude is contagious and gets you places you would never think possible.

Every time I think this marriage is over something happens to give me hope and move things in the right direction. I have decided to become passionate about marriage and start with mine. I have written this story to tell everyone who will listen that marriage needs champions to fight for it. I'm not saying everyone should go out and get married. I know there are people who feel just as strongly about not being married as I do about being married. Go ahead and live that life and be as happy as you can. I am saying that those who find marriage sacred shouldn't hesitate to voice that view. When a friend tells you they aren't happy in their marriage and are thinking about divorce, stand up for marriage. Let them know the facts of life and divorce. If you don't know them, find out. Tell them all relationships require work and a marriage requires ten times the effort of any other. Tell them the hardships and troubles, when overcome, will give them more than they ever thought they could have. Believe in true love and soul mates and they will happen.

Signed, A Married Man

Dear Married Man,

Thank you for sharing your story. I am sorry to hear of your troubles.

I'm sure your wife could tell me of several legitimate concerns from her point of view. She is obviously unhappy, and both of you must have contributed to the problems.

I have never been a believer, though, in ending a marriage by finding someone else. This is a betrayal of the commitment we make when we say those vows. Someone who is committed to a marriage will fight hard to save it, even in the face of adversity, especially when there is adversity.

It sounds like the first conversation you and your wife had about your marriage troubles was the one where she told you she had met someone else and wanted out. If she was truly committed to your marriage, the first conversation should have been about acknowledging the problems and expressing a desire to fix them. I can understand if meeting someone else was the trigger for recognizing the depth of her dissatisfaction, but a committed person would react to this revelation differently. In my opinion, she should have resolved the situation with you fully before moving on to someone else.

That doesn't mean all marriages can necessarily be saved, but someone who is committed should at least make the effort.

I wish you good luck in resolving your situation.

All the best,
Andrew

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Dismaying Story #77: A Pressure Cooker Relationship

Dear Andrew,

I've been with my guy for five years. I kissed him after he'd swore that he wasn't sexually involved with his ex, although they did sleep together after he left her. They have a son together and she'd been having affairs all the way through the relationship.

Our sexual attraction was so strong that we just HAD to go there. But I waited to make a physical move until he had confirmed they weren't still sleeping together and I wouldn't be the "other" woman.

I soon found out he lied to me and we had a big fight. Since then I have real trouble trusting his word and we have a very dramatic relationship. I stayed with him because the bond was so strong and I wanted him to have a loyal partner, but he put me in a terrible position and it still rattles me now.

He's also terribly jealous, obviously because of his ex's exploits. He has a real problem with me not wanting sex and has been verbally abusive about it. Now he is just moody when I don't want it. I've tried everything I can think of to make this work, I'm confused whether to stay or go.

This is the longest and most angst ridden relationship I've ever had and I thought committing was staying with it no matter what problems arise. His way of dealing with problems is mostly to say we'll split up then, when I agreed once, he stalked me badly for 3 months, harassing phone calls and constant attention but I think really it's more a case of he doesn't want anyone else to have me.

I don't think he's been unfaithful but I know he's feeling under desired and I'm feeling over desired. My libido stays hidden all the time now. He constantly reminds me that I wasn't this way when we first met, which makes me feel like a freak. He's very sexual and I feel everything nice he does for me is done with this ulterior motive to have sex. I know guys need this to feel wanted and loved but to what extremes will they go to for it?

I can't be the only woman in the world to want less sex after 5 years and all the problems we've had. But he just continues to make me feel bad about it because it makes him feel bad. I think we've both just hanging on and waiting to meet someone else, which is what he did before.

I also need some financial security and to feel like my man is able to look after us but he's one of those don't worry money always comes guys. I've been trying to worry less and copy his beliefs on this but whenever I bring up things I'm worried about he mostly freaks out.

Obviously he has some amazing qualities and we have shared some wonderful times but we always seem to be in a state of flux and it's hard to relax into a happy place of feeling secure.

He has made efforts but they seem to only last for 2-3 weeks then it reverts back to the old ways. I know I'm no saint and I'm a handful sometimes but I feel it's an emotionally immature relationship. I'm afraid all guys are really like this and I might as well have the devil I know.

Please advise me, it's driving me crazy. Is love really this complicated? It feels like it's all about his desires and insecurities overriding everything.

Signed, Under Pressure

Dear Under Pressure,

Anyone who is a regular reader of this site knows that I like to examine situations from both sides. In this case, though, I am having a difficult time coming up with a viewpoint that paints your boyfriend in anything but a negative light. Yes, it sounds like he has issues and insecurities, but that is no excuse for the way he treats you.

I feel confident in what you should do, and I have some thoughts as to why you have not already done so. Let's discuss both.

First, here is my advice. Leave him. Today. Regardless of whose fault you think these problems might be, this is a poisonous relationship for you and after five years, it is not going to get better.

This isn't even a close judgment call. Let's add it up. He has cheated on you, lied to you, emotionally and verbally abused you, stalked you, shown a complete lack of understanding and empathy for your reactions to problems caused by his actions, disrespected you, and neglected your needs (emotional, financial, and everything-else-al). Your lack of libido is completely understandable given all these issues. Who would be turned on by that scenario? And these are only the issues you have mentioned in a one-page email. I bet there are more where they came from. Whatever amazing qualities you see in him and fun times you have, it's not worth the pain you are enduring.

Not all guys are like this, I promise. I am not like this. My friends are not like this. I'm sure many readers can assure you that their men are not at all like this. Love definitely does not have to be this complicated. In fact, I'll go so far as to say that what you are experiencing from him is not love at all. Love is giving and kind. A loving boyfriend wants you to be happy and tries to make that happen. It doesn't sound like this guy is trying, and even if he is, he is failing miserably.

I truly believe you would be better off to get out of this relationship. If he stalks you again, take whatever steps you feel are necessary to keep yourself physically safe. Talk to the police and get a restraining order. (And stalking is proof positive he is not the kind of guy you want to have around.)

Your email makes it clear you know this is not a great relationship. So why have you kept him? You've mentioned a couple of reasons (worried that he will stalk you again, thinking this might be as good as it gets, rationalizing about "the good times") and I suspect there are more. People who have experienced this kind of poor treatment often come to believe they don't deserve any better, and worry no one else would want them. Neither of these worries is true. No one deserves that kind of abuse and emotional neglect, and yes there are plenty of other (and better) fish in the sea.

Have the courage to make a positive change in your life. You are worth it.

All the best,
Andrew

If you haven't already done so, now would be a great time to give some thought to the Question of the Week regarding trust between parents and children.

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Dismaying Story # 72: The Kitten Substitute

Dear Andrew,

I'm in a long distance relationship. However, my boyfriend and I talk every day (MSN, SMS, calls) and we see each other every two months. He is my best friend and the best boyfriend I could ever imagine. Yet I didn't imagine how hard it would be to be so far away from him. I simply underestimated how important a hug can be, a kiss, to take somebody's hand when I'm feeling down, just the company while watching TV. We will be together again after a year, settling into a relationship that is made for life.

Still, I am worried. I have many guy friends. One in particular is my ex boyfriend. The relationship hurt me in so many ways and yet I decided I could be friends with him. We live in the same apartment complex and we spend a lot of time together. This would be okay if this ex was completely over his feelings for me, but this is not the case.

I enjoy being with him, though. He is finally the person I wanted him to be in the relationship although he still lies about certain issues, which was a huge problem in the actual relationship.

I don't ever want to be with him again. He even leaves the country in three months. I'd like us to enjoy the friendship because I went through a lot with him and I feel like I deserve him being there for me after he tortured me for so long. My benefit is I get a hug or two when I'm sad. He never knows why I'm sad because, although he knows I'm with my boyfriend, I wouldn't want to hurt my ex by talking about my boyfriend all the time.

It would probably be better for me and my relationship if I'd never see my ex again. Yet, I can't tell why it's so hard to tell him No when he asks me to come over to have dinner together, watch TV, go to parties together. I miss my boyfriend a great deal because I love him so much. I need to be given a hug though every once in a while and I'm afraid that I'll search (am already searching) for this closeness in my ex boyfriend who is simply available. I don't know when the lines of friendship might fade away and when it's actually considered cheating. Is it when I let him take me into his arms for 5 seconds too long, when I let him put his arms around my shoulders, when I lean on him, when maybe one day I'll fall asleep on his couch while watching TV? I know that I'd go absolutely crazy if the same thing happened to my boyfriend and a friend of his. The problem is that I don't have family in this town, nor my best (girl)friend to be there for me. The only person that seems really close is this ex of mine.

What can I do?

Signed, Needs a Hug

Dear Needs a Hug,

Let me get this straight. You love your boyfriend and plan to spend the rest of your life with him. At the same time you hug your ex-boyfriend and snuggle on his couch to watch TV, knowing he still has feelings for you ... and you're not sure if you have exceeded the bounds of simple friendship?

Of course you know.

Here are a couple of simple ways to tell if you are crossing the line. After you've spent some time with your ex, would you then call your boyfriend and tell him everything that happened? I bet not. Similarly, would you act differently with the ex if your boyfriend was standing behind you the whole time, looking over your shoulder? If you wouldn't do it with your boyfriend watching, then you shouldn't do it at all.

Several of your statements fail to hold water for me. For instance, you say your ex is now the person you always wanted him to be, but he still lies to you. Lying seems like it should be a deal-breaker. Why hang around someone who treats you like that, regardless of your circumstances?

Secondly, why are you worried about hurting your ex by talking about your boyfriend? If your ex is just a friend, then he should be perfectly comfortable hearing about your boyfriend and should be supportive of your need to talk about him. This is another clear indication that your relationship with your ex is more than just being friends. If you are truly committed to your boyfriend, then you should be more concerned about hurting him by being with the ex.

Finally, let's call a spade a spade; you are dating your ex-boyfriend. Where I come from, that's what we call it when he phones you up to go to parties and to come over to his place and the two of you end up snuggling. This relationship has progressed to the point where you are uncomfortable enough to write to me. You know there is an issue, but you seem to be trying to convince yourself this is okay because you have to be apart from your boyfriend for a time and you feel all alone.

I understand loneliness is no fun but let's look ahead a bit. How are you going to feel when you are back together with your boyfriend and you have to think back on how you acted when he was out of town? Will you feel proud of your actions or will you feel guilty? I suspect it's the latter, and let me tell you, that one is no fun either. Then the two of you get married and he has to go away on a business trip for a few weeks. You'll be lonely then too. Would that make it okay to look up another guy for the physical contact you miss while your husband is away? Of course not, and it's not okay now, either.

What can you do? You can start honoring the commitment you have made to your boyfriend and stop wandering over that line. Start acting like you would if he were there watching you.

If you find you can't do that, then I wonder just how strong your commitment really is. If so, then it's not fair to your boyfriend to deceive him. Let him know what has been going on.

You say that's not what you want, though, so if I were you I would get a kitten to snuggle with, or find a new girlfriend or two so you can have someone to spend time with and confide in. Join a club. Take a class. Get a part-time job to fill up your extra hours. There are plenty of ways to distract yourself from your loneliness without resorting to cheating on your boyfriend.

All the best,
Andrew

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Dismaying Story #67: A Confusing Attraction

I have invited Tom Matthews, a colleague of mine from the San Diego area, to serve as a guest columnist and help answer today's question. Tom is a personal coach who helps a diverse range of clients deal with personal issues such as bolstering self confidence, recognizing and eliminating negative self talk, public speaking, and interpersonal communication. He is also the author of NAKED, ALONE, IN THE DARK, a forthcoming book about the power of the discovery of humble self confidence. I provided Tom with an anonymous copy of the following question:

Dear Andrew,

I am happily married to the man of my dreams. We are still in love after many years and are truly partners in every way. I can't imagine being married to a better man.

The problem is that recently I have been having very strong romantic feelings for someone else -- someone who happens to be a woman. I am certain that she doesn't suspect my feelings for her. We are only casual acquaintances. She is not gay. But then again, I never would have classified myself as gay, either. I've never had romantic feelings for any other female.

What surprises me is that my love for my husband is diminished not at all by the love I feel for this woman. I am as happy with him as I have ever been but I still sometimes find myself pining for this lovely woman who has no clue how much I adore her.

Is this sort of attraction normal after many years of marriage? Am I just going through some sort of mid-life crisis? Or am I destined to always love this woman from afar knowing I would never do anything to hurt my husband?

signed, Surprised and Confused

First let's see what advice Tom has to offer and then I will provide my response.

Dear Surprised,

Sometimes we are confronted with a person that, for reasons we cannot explain, induces a feeling of attraction or love in us that seems inappropriate. I often find the impact of such a person is based on a memory or an event in our lives. For instance, I had a client whose wife developed exactly the sort of attraction for another woman that you describe. Turns out the other woman reminded her of a teacher who had nurtured her when she had no one else to do so. Even the woman's name was the same as the teacher. Thankfully she saw a therapist before she spoke with the "other woman." The therapist helped her discover the object of her desire was just an ordinary person, and not an angel or some sort of salvation.

Unless there have been other events or circumstances to suggest you have homosexual or bisexual tendencies, this type of attraction almost certainly indicates a desire for nostalgic comfort. The woman to whom you are attracted is probably the personification of someone (or sometime) that tugs a heart string of simpler and easier times, thus the attraction after several years of happy marriage. Call it an emotional mid-life crisis, a need to be comforted and a desire for a simpler time.

The bottom line? You have, by your own admission, what most people pray for: a happy marriage. Whatever you do, do not jeopardize that for the indescribable, fleeting emotional need to have something else. Look deep into your heart and see what is genuinely working in your intentions and motivations concerning this woman. Whatever superficial comfort or thrill you may get in pursuit of these feelings comes with an enormous price tag, even if you never told your husband of your intentions or what transpired. Regret and unspoken truth (the worst kind of lie) is a bitter pill to swallow once an impulse is acted upon.

Are you bi-sexual? I doubt it. Does this woman evoke something in you? Absolutely. Should you ignore it and be grateful for what you have? Yes!!! Stop being confused and start being grateful.

Good luck!
Tom

Dear Surprised,

To me, the issue of commitment to a marriage is the same regardless of the gender of the "other person." Just to gain some perspective, what if you found yourself attracted to another man? You still love your husband, but for some reason you feel a rush of excitement and warmth whenever you meet or think about this other guy. Should you do anything about it?

Here's the thing. Everyone meets attractive people. How could we not? The world is full of them, and every once in a while we meet someone who strikes a special chord. There is a wow factor, something about them that makes us sit up and take special notice. When you are married, though, you have a responsibility to file those feelings where they belong. Go ahead and enjoy that tiny tingle of pleasure that comes from seeing someone attractive, then file it under "Life's Harmless Diversions" and get on with your day.

Would you find it easier to recognize this attraction as a diversion if the other person were male? Possibly. In any case, the issue of fidelity is the same and so should be your response.

You are left wondering, though, how you could be attracted to another woman. Tom is right; this woman -- no, strike that, your perception of this woman -- fills some need for you. She invokes a feeling for which you have a strong need. It could be that when you think of her you feel safe or needed or mothered or not alone in the world. Like Tom suggested, this may be because she reminds you of someone else or another time in your life. The important realization for you, though, is that it is this feeling for which you are actually yearning; she is only the stimulus.

What if you started spending more time with this woman and tried to develop a relationship with her. First, I suspect you would discover that you have never been attracted to women in general because you are not bisexual, so the relationship would flounder on those grounds. More than that, you would find that these special feelings she invokes in you would subside. Real, day-to-day life would intrude. You would discover the grass is no greener on her side of the fence, that she is just another person with both nice and not-so-nice attributes. At that point you would realize you had made a tremendous mistake.

Yes, you are going through some sort of crisis, and no, you are not destined to love her forever. Try to identify the need she seems to fill for you. If you can't come up with this on your own, you might consider seeing a therapist for some confidential counseling. You need to find another way to fulfill that need, which might mean coming to terms with some unresolved insecurity or re-connecting with your mother on a deeper emotional level. If you can accomplish this, then both your crisis and your misplaced attraction will be over.

All the best,
Andrew

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Dismaying Story #47: The Objectionable Beau

Dear Andrew,

My younger sister is one of my best friends. About a year-and-a-half ago she met this guy through work. He had a girlfriend at the time, and my sister had just gotten out of a serious relationship. He and his girlfriend eventually broke up (after a year of dating).

Several months after he’d become single, my sister and him became more than friends. She made it sound as if they were dating, and after six months I assumed that they were pretty serious (based on the amount of time they were spending together and things that my sister had said).

One day, out of the blue, she called me upset and said that she was fed up with the situation. That he continuously insisted that they were just ‘best friends’ despite the fact that their relationship had taken on physical aspects. Since then, he’s done things like date other women without telling her and has had multiple discussions with her about how they are ‘just friends.’ Despite his claim, they spend most nights together and hang out on a near-constant basis (last Sunday they spent all day together at a driving range, went to his apartment to make dinner, then she stayed over).

As time passes, I’m finding it more of a struggle to be nice to this guy. Initially, I got along well with him because he’s personable and funny, but I’m obviously infuriated by the way he treats my sister. He’s essentially told her before (when she complained about the situation) that she allows him to treat her that way, and that he never forces her to spend the night at his place or vice-versa. To me the situation seems relatively cut and dry – just because somebody is vulnerable doesn’t mean it’s okay to take advantage of them (just like it’s still unethical to steal a car even if somebody has left the door unlocked and the keys in the ignition).

I obviously wish that my sister would stand up for herself, tell this guy that she’s not interested and focus her vast amount of energy on someone that appreciates her. But regardless, to me, this guy is a jerk.

When my sister has spoken to me about it in the past, all I’ve really said so far is that she doesn’t deserve to be treated that way and that she should stand up for herself. I may have also asked once or twice if she would treat someone that she considered a close friend the way he’s treated her. I’ve tried to refrain from directly criticizing her or him, because it seems like doing so would just make things worse. Her roommate has been very vocal about not liking the guy and this has practically ended their friendship. They barely speak anymore. What stinks is that when it comes down to it, I suspect that she likes this guy enough to choose him over any of her existing relationships (with friends/family).

Since I’m angry with him and feel that I can’t be nice, I mostly just avoid speaking to him. My sister has noticed, and, I think understands why, though she seems to try to reconcile us by mentioning something positive he’s said about me, or throwing us into situations where we’re forced to interact, etc. Typically this just makes things awkward.

When it comes down to it, she’s stated several times that she’s convinced that he’s eventually going to come around and realize that they’re meant to be together. I’m no love expert, but I’d assume that as long as she lets him treat her poorly he’ll continue to do so. Also, it seems that he’s the sort of person that has no qualms about taking advantage of other people’s vulnerabilities – to me getting into a relationship with such a person would be asking for a lifetime of getting hurt (though maybe I’m just a cynic).

Frankly, I’m sick of hearing my sister say the same things over and over again as if they are shocking revelations whenever she gets fed up and overwhelmed with hurt. Even worse, I’m sick of her speaking about him blissfully, when she’s in the mode of ignoring the crappy situation. Should I be approaching this differently?

Signed, Bossy Older Sister

Dear Bossy,

I agree with you. She should drop this guy and walk away, and she should do it today. She is accepting a half-baked relationship with a guy who openly admits he doesn't mind jerking her around. This is neither a quality guy nor a quality relationship. I also agree that her actions place you are in a difficult situation.

I have given this situation a fair amount of thought, but from the point of view of a parent. What would I do if one of my children is in a serious relationship with someone I find objectionable?

Let's fast forward to a possible scenario where your sister ends up marrying this guy. If it is obvious to the two them that you don't like him, that there is open conflict between you and him, then you are forcing your sister into a situation where she will probably end up having to choose either you or him. The spouse who is openly disliked by the in-laws will be hurt and feel they are under attack. If your sister were to continue to be friendly toward you in that situation, he would take that as her condoning your actions toward him. If she wants her marriage to continue in any sort of harmony, she might indeed be forced to choose him to the exclusion of you. Even after taking that drastic step, there would undoubtedly still be life-long tension within the marriage over the fact that her family doesn't like him. This would be a traumatic ongoing situation for your sister, especially given that you and she have been good friends. All those special occasions that should be fun and joyous (like Christmas, birthdays, etc.) become conflict-ridden hot spots for the two of them.

So, do you simply swallow your objections, say nothing and pretend you like this guy? Absolutely not. I think there is a way you can try to help your sister and yet not risk placing her in that untenable position I just described.

At the core of my philosophy is that at some point younger sisters must be treated as adults who make their own decisions. (The same is true of our children, as I have discussed before in articles like Best Friends Go to College and If You Love Them, Set Them Free.) It really is her choice, not yours, with whom she chooses to spend her time.

While you should respect that, you also have an obligation to help her as best you can. You and I are both convinced she is choosing a non-supportive partner if she stays with this guy. Since you know she is headed for trouble, you should try to help her. I would sit her down for a private conversation, something like this:

You: "I want to talk to you about something, and I promise it'll stay just between you and me, okay?"

Her: "Okay..."

She may be wary, maybe even guess what is coming, but your promise should reassure her at least long enough for you to continue.

You: "First of all I'm in your corner, okay? We're friends and I'm going to support you in whatever you choose to do in life. You know I've worried about you and Bob, but I want you to know that if you and he were to end together, even married, I would respect that and be nice to him, okay?"

Her: "Good."

At this point she might launch into some objections about how you have treated him in the past. Just ride this out until it passes. Keep saying things like, "I know, and I'll try not to make you feel caught in the middle anymore."

You: "Having said that, I truly believe you are headed for trouble with him."

Continue on and explain the sorts of behavior you have seen in him, along with the consequences your sister is headed for if she remains in this relationship. There is likely a self-esteem component for her -- she may not feel like she deserves to be treated any better, or that she is unlikely to find someone else if she breaks up with him. You should try to reassure her on this score. Tell her this is a slam-dunk no-brainer that this is not the guy for her. Finish by reassuring her that despite all that, you respect her right to be with him if she wants, and if that is what she chooses then you will be the supportive big sister and be as nice to him as you can. You want her to receive your advice, but also to know that in public she will have your support and respect.

As the icing on the cake, you should take along a copy of He's Just Not That Into You by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo. I may sound like a broken record after recommending this book to another reader only a few days ago, but your sister should really read it. Chapter 3 in particular could have been written about her. Here is what Greg has to say about a situation that is almost word for word identical to your sister's:

I looked up "I don't want to be your boyfriend" in the Relationship Dictionary, just to make sure I wasn't mistaken, but I was right. It still means "I don't want to be your boyfriend." Wow. And this is coming from a guy who's spending four or five nights a week with you. That must hurt. Nice to know your not-boyfriend gets to live in your world commitment-free. Not quite sure what you're getting. If you want to give all your time to a guy who's proclaiming he's not your boyfriend, then go ahead. But I'd hope you'd at least go find someone who isn't saying to your face, "I'm just not that into you."

Hopefully this approach will give your sister plenty to think about. I believe it is your best shot at trying to help her without alienating her.

Good luck!
Andrew

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