Dismaying Story #147: Is It Wrong to Settle?

Dear Andrew,

I wonder how many women out there have 'settled,' meaning they are not in love and never were with their partner, but because of finances or some other reason have settled. Is that why there are a lot of women out there that lose themselves in Harlequin Romances? Is that why they find themselves in chat rooms on the Internet, or worse, at dating sites?

I have two sons of 30 and 32. Both of them have been dating a special girl for several years. I know they are not happy, and when I had a chance to talk to them alone I told them how I felt. I said, son, don't settle! If you're not absolutely in love with this woman, keep going. If your eyes don't light up when she enters the room, keep going. If she is gone for three days and you don't miss her and yearn for her return, keep going. Don't settle! Not only are you being unfair to yourself, you're also doing her an injustice.

That's the advice I gave them.

Sadly, I haven't taken my own advice. For the past 10 years I've been living with a man who has made my life easier. I met him when I began bringing up my own grandkids. He just made it much easier for me to do this. By bringing home a steady paycheck, it enabled me to stay home and bring up these kids. We meet each other's needs and respect each other. He wants someone to come home to at night, cook his meals, and I need someone to help me bring up these kids of 8 and 11.

Our daily talk is of the weather and the kids and bills. He is no great thinker. He's a very simple man with very simple needs. We are opposites; while I need intellectual stimulation, he doesn't. He's content to sit on the couch and watch sci-fi movies.

I know I'm not the only one, and I believe if we did wait for this 'great love' in our life, many of us would be alone.

It could be that because at 21, I met and married a very abusive man and got divorced six years later. Perhaps that has led me to believe there is no such thing as the perfect love, the perfect soul-mate. After that disaster, I decided to be alone. Then at 46 I took on the responsibility of my grandson and met this guy. I was unemployed at the time. We dated, but I broke off the relationship four times. I felt suffocated. Finally I gave in. He just made it so easy and my life was easier knowing that I could handle this responsibility.

I read stories in magazines about great marriages and couples who still love each other passionately after twenty or thirty years. A part of me is jealous and the other part doesn't believe it.

I personally don't know any couple that I can say without a doubt are deeply in love and have been for years.

Signed, Taking the Easier Road

Dear Taking the Easier Road,

It would be easy for me to sit here and preach about how no one should settle, and how a deep and abiding love is this sacred thing that everyone can have if they only have faith and are willing to work at it...

...and I'm not going to do that. Like most of the issues that get thrashed around on this site, this one can be viewed from different directions. The following are a couple of possible viewpoints (and I'm sure the readers can offer others).

Most everyone would love to be perfectly fit, in wonderful health, have a worry-free supply of well-managed finances, be in a rewarding career that fits your interests and doesn't over-burden your life, have plenty of time to enjoy fulfilling hobbies and interests, and so on. Life has many dimensions and unfortunately not everyone succeeds equally well in all of them.

Some people have a knack for creating wealth, while others scrape by from paycheck to paycheck. Success may come from skill and daring, while happenstance and good fortune seem to smile more on some people than on others.

The same is true for love. Building a relationship works best when people feel good about themselves, are willing to compromise, are compassionate and empathetic, share some commonalities, find each other physically attractive, and on and on. Some part of this is skill -- the ability to get along with people, to communicate clearly, to interpret the intentions of others correctly, etc. -- and there is also luck involved: for example, the people you happen to meet, and whether you feel that zing of attraction when you do.

Many people have negative experiences that inhibit their ability to succeed in this area; they have extra emotional hurdles to overcome because of rape, abuse, or a variety of other types of prior life trauma. In terms of interpersonal skills, some people are simply stronger than others. It is little wonder, then, that not everyone develops a love worthy of a Harlequin romance.

This is not necessarily an excuse to settle, though. For example, your finances might have always been horrid, but you can still decide to hone your money management skills and improve your situation. The same is true for your relationship skills (though I think relationships are more complex than checkbooks, so the learning path is not always as clearly defined).

Your letter implies he is inherently the wrong guy and your choices are (a) stay and settle, or (b) leave and in all likelihood be alone. There are actually more options than that. You could put some work into developing common activities for the two of you to enjoy. Maybe you could entice him into horseback riding, golf, biking, or ballroom dance lessons. Find ways to cheer and giggle together and you just might be surprised what this will do for your attitude toward each other.

Try pretending that he is the love of your life, and act that way for a week or two. You might be amazed what this does to your mindset and to his behavior toward you. It's highly likely that he is well aware of your ambivalence about him, which makes him less likely to show affection for you, which feeds your negative feelings, and the negative spiral is on. Put a conscious effort into reversing the emotional vibes for a while and the spiral now has a chance to move in the other direction.

Like the old saying goes, if you can't be with the one you love (that is, someone who matches your vision), then love the one you're with.

Here is another way to think of this issue. What if you were alone with a guy on a desert island? Assume there is no chance of ever escaping. Chances are he wouldn't be the guy you would pick if you had thousands to choose from, but he's the one who happened to survive the shipwreck. Isolation is the overriding factor here, which I believe would drive most couples in this situation together.

Many of us become partially isolated for a variety of reasons. Your personal desert island is defined by your abusive prior relationship and the hardships of raising two grandchildren with little or no income. I wouldn't wonder if your current partner has had life challenges of his own, such as loneliness. These factors drive the two you together, and ignoring them for some ideal vision of love would be unrealistic.

Does this mean those with hardships should just accept whatever partner they can get? Of course not. We all have our own threshold for when a relationship is not worth keeping. But neither should we beat ourselves up if our love life is partially driven by pragmatic factors.

And for the record, my wife and I have been married for 34 years and we're still crazy about each other. (Is she crazy to put up with me that long? You decide.) What about the rest of you out there? Can you offer a hopeful story to Taking the Easier Road?

All the best,
Andrew

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Dismaying Story #120: The Property Tax Debacle

Dear Andrew,

You helped me back in January (Dismaying story #105: Not Her Knight in Shining Armor). I still go back and re-read your answer sometimes.

I still need help on something - it's connected to the same guy, but it drives me crazy with guilt and shame. I cannot seem to forgive myself, and it haunts me.

This guy has been having some very serious financial problems. He broke up with his long-term girlfriend after she refused to stop drinking, and he is now paying the mortgage all on his own. It is crushing him.

He put the house up for sale immediately, but in this market, it has gone nowhere for the last 8 months. He is working 60 hours plus per week for overtime but cannot afford all of his bills now that his ex-girlfriend isn’t paying half. He also owes hefty child support for his 2 kids from his ex-wife, owes back property taxes, and is facing possible foreclosure or bankruptcy.

He is incredibly depressed and isolating himself. Says he has no friends and hasn’t spoken to anyone in his family in 4 years. In the past he mentioned feeling borderline suicidal. That scared me to death. He went to see a counselor, but I still have that fear lurking in the back of my head.

Owning a home (he is in his mid-40’s) meant everything to him as a man. His whole image of himself as successful and a provider and capable has been threatened, and his self-esteem is in the dirt.

I thought I could help without asking anything in return. I went online and paid his property taxes with my credit card.

When he found out, he was very upset and came to my house to talk to me. I cried and said I hadn't meant it to be a bad thing, that if it was a problem I could reverse the charges and take the money back.

He said no, he appreciated it, but that he would pay me back within the next two years ... but that I had no right to try to control his life. Then he got really nasty and said I was obsessive, and had read into everything he had ever done. That it was stalking to have invaded his personal privacy like that.

I couldn't fathom his response, when I truly thought there had been a friendship between us. He used to say that there "was a connection between us from the very beginning." I apologized profusely and asked him to give me another chance. He said the door was closed between us, and that his defenses were really up.

He said that he was "so not ready to begin dating again," but then he said that yes, he used to fantasize about me a lot because I was beautiful with an amazing body; and that he had wanted to make love to me every night, and that was different than having sex.

He hasn’t spoken to me now for 3 months and I am still grieving. I was the only person to step up to the plate for him when the chips were down. I thought I had done something kind. I meant well and it seems to have backfired horribly.

I didn’t ask him for anything in return.

He hasn’t paid me the money back, and I know he won’t be able to. It’s not the money I care about, it’s him.

Why would he keep the money if he was so angry about it? Why has he responded like this? How do I come to terms with the fact that I have alienated someone I valued so much?

I'm beating myself up mercilessly for this. I know not to ever give someone money again, so I will change my actions, but that doesn't undo a past that haunts me.

My biggest fear is that I am a bad person because he is angry with me about what I did. Surely if I was a good person, he would have responded differently.

Signed, Ashamed and Confused

Dear Ashamed and Confused,

I went back and reviewed Dismaying Story #105 to get some background on your relationship with this man. This is the guy who flirted with you for years while he was going out with another woman, then treated you like dirt when you were friendly after she broke up with him. I advised you to forget him and not look back.

Shan commented: "What a jerk."

Lori said: "Run like hell."

Nothing has changed. He is still acting like a complete jerk and you should still run like hell.

Okay, some people would consider it somewhat intrusive for you to inject yourself into their financial affairs without asking first, but it was obviously an act of friendship and supportiveness. It was incredibly giving of you. Any reasonable friend would see it in that light and would at least offer thanks for the help. For him to criticize the help and still accept it is hypocritical, rude, mean-spirited, ... I could go on. He is not your friend. He is an acquaintance who treats you badly. You should have dropped him like a hot potato long ago.

But you didn't. The obvious question is: why? Why do you cling to a dysfunctional friendship? Why do you value someone who has treated you badly in the past and continues to do so?

Why don't you feel you are worth more than that?

And therein lies your answer. He is not your primary problem. Somehow you have convinced yourself that you are unworthy, that you are a "bad person." He said some nice words to you in the past and that made you feel good. Now you are unwilling to let go of your quest to regain that good feeling. You fear that no one else would ever make you feel that way again. So you are willing to put up with any amount of boorish behavior on his part to keep open the possibility of hearing more words of praise and attraction.

And here is where your behavior pattern feeds on itself -- if he acts nicely, you see him as a nice guy and are flattered that he wants to be with you. If he acts poorly, you blame yourself instead of him. He can't lose! This is because you have such low feelings of self-worth.

Look at your letter. You say that you have alienated him. Baloney! You tried to help. He was the one who reacted poorly and created the chasm between the two of you (which you should be thankful for, by the way). You beat yourself up. You imply that the solution is to change your actions. You worry this happened because you are not a good person.

Let me say this publicly -- you are most definitely a good person. You do, however, have a huge issue with your self image. The committee in your head just loves to remind you how no one will want you, how you aren't good enough, that you aren't a good person, that you shouldn't let anyone see the real you because that won't be good enough for them.

This is a big part of the reason why you are attracted to a man who is so distant and unattainable. (Remember, you waited years for this guy while he had another girlfriend. That is a seriously unattainable man.)

My advice is to find yourself a coach who can help you with your self image. You need someone to help you root out the causes for your negative self talk and to jettison this self-defeating behavior from your life. And it can be done. I've seen many people get this kind of help and make amazing turnarounds in their lives.

Once you do that, this guy will no longer be a mystery to you. You will have the self-confidence to recognize the destructive role he plays in your life and to seek out friends who treat you with the respect and kindness you deserve.

All the best,
Andrew

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Dismaying Story #116: When Monetary Styles Collide

Dear Andrew:

I am 38 and my live-in boyfriend is 35. We have lived together for almost 8 years. In all of that time, he has always signed over his paychecks to me because he has proven that he cannot be financially responsible. He did this with no complaints whatsoever because he admits that he handles money poorly. He was happy to let me take care of the finances, and so was I. We share a joint checking account and each of us has a debit card. I keep his card until he needs it and then he gives it right back to me for safekeeping. I do all the budgeting and pay all of our bills.

We got into credit card debt (they were in my name only) over the years and I got it all squared away with consumer credit counseling. We have been living on a cash basis for a full year. . . or so I thought.

I've always had the stable job. BF is a chef and he's had a series of jobs. I'll say from the get go that he is an extremely hard worker; he's not lazy or a slacker and for that I am proud. So imagine my happiness when he finally gets a head chef position for a sorority at a college nearby. He LOVED it.

Finally, a job that's worthy of him and his skills. That lasted for one year. He was fired because the company he worked for wanted him to sign an employment contract that was even more restrictive and one-sided than the one he initially signed. On the advice of his attorney, he didn't sign it. So he's been helping our farmer neighbors, being a handyman, feeding cattle, that sort of thing. They have been paying him an hourly wage, which is fine by me. My only requirement is that he's employed and contributes to the household financially and not sponge off me.

The sorority house wants him back on a private basis, not through the company. They want him to bid for the position. However, BF has been saying for years that he wants to go into cattle farming. He has renewed this wish and has already applied for a gov't grant. He says he will continue to be paid by our farmer neighbors in the interim. I am irate; we've both suffered and worked hard for 8 years for him to find a good kitchen gig and now he wants to change careers? I call shenanigans! Not fair! I am ashamed to admit that at one point I told him it was either farming or me. I admit that I put him under an immense amount of pressure.

Imagine my surprise and disgust when I pick up the mail one day and find out that he has two credit cards in his name! The balances equaled about $1,200.00. I was hurt, humiliated, embarrassed, and ashamed. He lied to me on all levels. Some of the money he was "'paid" by our farmer neighbors was actually a cash advance on his credit card. Also, he bought lots of tools for his new farming career and used these cards to purchase them. He lied about all of this, made up stories on how he got the tools, etc.

I told him I was leaving him. Sure, because of the debt he piled up, but first and foremost because he LIED. Here I swallowed my pride and went to consumer credit counseling, was doing without many things because we were living on a cash only basis, clutching my calculator in one hand, and my coupons in the other while at the grocery store, telling him how proud I was of us for living a year credit free, and he's lying to me the whole time.

He said he was scared to tell me because he didn't want me to worry about where the money was coming from, and that he'd take care of it. He also said it was "normal" to have credit card debt, in spite of the fact that I am working so hard to get out of it. He also called me a money Nazi (which is accurate: I'm extremely anal about budgeting and maintaining good credit). I controlled everything he did. He couldn't even buy a pack of cigs without asking me for the debit card first.

I told him to fess up to any other cards he has because I was going to find out in any event. He said those two were the only cards he had. Of course, I didn't believe him. I log onto his account and find that he has another one. The balance is about 8K. I almost got physically ill when I saw this. He said he got the last card because he thought it was over between us and he thought, "what the hey?" (The dates do coincide with the timing of everything). He admits he went on a "shopping spree" and was very selfish and was only thinking about himself. He also told me he had a little mini mid-life crisis and he said it felt so good to spend that money. I told him that while he was on his shopping spree, did he think about how we need a new dryer? A new bed? New doors for our house?

After my bemoaning the fact that he did not purchase anything for the "family," he goes out and maxes out his credit card and buys us a home computer. At this point, I am at a loss for words and told him that something is wrong with him.

I'm angry, depressed and feel totally disrespected. In spite of all of this, he does a lot for me and I still love him like crazy. But I'm so tired of being the stable one and taking care of everything. For once it'd be nice to have a man who could provide for me. I feel like his mother and I admit, I act like one.

Is the writing on the wall? Or should I hang on? How do I get over this rage I feel toward him? I'm seriously thinking about getting to a therapist to unload. Every time I look at him, I want to punch him in the face.

Signed, Angry Almost-Mother

Dear Angry Almost-Mother,

You and your boyfriend are both contributing problems to your relationship.

He has a money problem, and it won’t be fixed when he gets a better job. He simply doesn’t understand the need to be fiscally responsible and live within his means. He is correct when he says living with a little debt is common, but his track record seems to indicate that when left to his own devices, he will create an unmanageable level of debt. He has an unrealistic optimism about his ability to “take care of it” in the future, despite not having a realistic plan for doing so.

He also has an honesty problem. You are right to be concerned that he is so willing to lie to you, and has done so repeatedly.

You have a control problem. It is not normal for a girlfriend to control every penny her boyfriend spends and tell him what job he has to choose. I can understand how he would feel controlled, manipulated, and emasculated by your tight leash on his life.

You use his poor money management skills as justification for why it is okay to be so controlling, and to a limited extent I can see this. It’s not bad for one partner to step up and say, “Look, we’re having money problems. I’m good with money. Why don’t I track the funds for a while and see if we can get this under control?” That’s fine, but you controlling his every penny can’t be your ongoing life strategy. He is an adult and at some point he has to act like one when it comes to money or you will continue to have serious issues between you. Also, after getting the money situation under control, you need to loosen your grip on his life or you will never have the kind of relationship that both of you need. He needs some autonomy and you need someone to step up for you.

He uses your controlling ways as justification for lying and spending to excess. He doesn’t want to upset you, so he lies -- sorry, that one doesn’t cut it. He figures you won’t be around to control him any more, so he might as well spend himself into debt jail -- this is an indication that he lacks the skills and self-control to manage finances effectively.

No amount of control on your part is going to give him good money habits. Talking to a debt counselor can help him learn about effective management strategies, but at the fundamental level he has to make a decision for himself that he wants to keep his money under control. He doesn’t yet understand how damaging excessive debt can be and he is simply not afraid of it. Unless he learns this for himself, you two will always have a serious issue between you.

The same is true of your controlling ways. The two of you will have issues until you decide you want to share life on roughly a 50-50 give-and-take basis. If you do that right now, however, he is likely to implode financially and take you with him. He has also damaged your love and trust by lying to you.

Your path to regaining the love and trust lies through him. If he wants to get back in your good books, he will have to step up and demonstrate consistent responsibility, restraint, maturity, and honesty. He needs to prove all of this over a period of time so your hurt and anger can dissipate.

Given the story you told, I’m not sure how likely that is to happen.

Whether you are with him or another guy, I urge you to work toward curbing your controlling ways. You will be happier when you are with a man you can trust ... and you act that way by allowing him to live his own life as the other half of your relationship.

All the best,
Andrew

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Dismaying Story #55: My Sister's Boyfriend

Dear Andrew,

My adult sister has a history of being with sponge men - they take all she has in money and emotions and give nothing in return. Her daughter is five years old and hasn't seen her father in four years, and in that time, he hasn't contributed anything. He only worked some of the time, was a pothead and cheated on her. Her most recent man is exactly the same. They have been together off and on for over two years. He keeps going back and forth with the same woman. He and this other woman have an eight year old and a one year old, obviously conceived while he was with my sister. He also gave my sister an STD. She found naked pictures of this other woman on his camera phone and broke up with him but two weeks later they were back together.

Whenever he does something wrong she calls and cries and rants to me. Finally I got fed up with it. I told her I didn't want to see this man and I'd leave if he showed up at her house if I was there. She respected that and didn't put me in that situation, although both he and I attended my niece's preschool graduation and mutually ignored each other. My mother feels the same way about this man and has made it quite clear to my sister for over a year.

My sister came into about $24,000 a few months ago. She gave half to my mother for a credit card debt she ran up, and we have no idea what happened to the rest of it except she bought a second car she doesn't need. My niece says it was for this man. Six weeks after she got this money, my sister in the same week got evicted, had some furniture repossessed, had her phone turned off and lost her job.

My sister's birthday was two weeks ago and she had the audacity to bring this man to my mother's house and a huge fight ensued. There was some talk about my sister not letting my mother see my niece. I have sent her several long emails letting her know how furious I am with her.

She and my mother are no longer speaking. I have avoided her phone calls. I am tired of being her emotional support in this when she goes right back into the same area. I'd rather lose my sister than deal with all this. I am, however, extremely concerned about my niece, who isn't even in school all the time.

I have also had behavioral issues in the past, which were helped tremendously when I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and received medication. I see some classic bipolar symptoms in my sister and have urged her to get an evaluation.

Signed, Exasperated Sister

Dear Exasperated,

Your sister's boyfriend is not the problem. He is a symptom of her deeper underlying issues, whatever they may be. You suspect bipolar disorder but there is no way to know until she is properly evaluated.

You and your mother are understandably frustrated by her behavior. She is clearly challenged by life and makes choices for herself and her daughter that are far from ideal. Part of your collective response is to fight with her, put restrictions on how she can be with you (no boyfriend) and avoid speaking with her. From her point of view, these actions make life more difficult and put distance between you.

It is easy to convince yourself that these actions are for her own good. If you do nothing, if you simply act as her sounding board and act as if everything she is doing is okay, then you feel like you are enabling the destructive behavior. Not only that, it is emotionally exhausting to care so much for her and to see her continue to make what in your view are bad decisions. Your reactions are completely understandable.

They are not, however, necessarily in your sister's best interest. For example, let's take the issue of the boyfriend. You are afraid that if you have a normal relationship with him, you will be telling your sister you approve of him. You want her to dump him for good so you refuse to have anything to do with him.

Okay, what would happen if she did dump him for good? Her history provides the answer; she would find another guy you would probably dislike just as much. Like it or not, she is an adult who will make her own decisions. You can't save her from herself because she will be with herself for the rest of her life. While it makes you feel somewhat better to not see the boyfriend, you have also introduced a major strain between you and your sister, and a major headache for her. Now she has to deal with a boyfriend whose feelings are hurt because her family doesn't like him. She is under pressure not to be nice to you because that would send a clear message to him that she approves of how you are treating him. I doubt these are the outcomes you are shooting for.

All this not speaking and refusing to see her boyfriend is designed to reduce the strain on you and your mother, not to help your sister. While this is an understandable defense mechanism on your part, I believe you would really rather help her.

You are on the right track when you say she should be evaluated by a health professional, probably a physician or psychiatrist. The strategy you and your mother should adopt is one that has the best chance of convincing her to seek this evaluation. In other words, you want to be able to influence her. Unfortunately, the strategies you mentioned -- fighting, placing restrictions, not speaking -- all put distance between you and diminish your ability to influence her.

While you want to be firm and not admit that you approve of her choices, you also want to show her that you support her and have her best interests at heart. Reach out and be welcoming rather than pushing her away.

She has resisted taking your advice, so maybe you can enlist the aid of a third party. As counter-intuitive as it might seem, have you considered asking the boyfriend for help? He is obviously giving her something (e.g. companionship, validation) or she wouldn't stay with him. Maybe he would be delighted if she got help for her behavior. Remember, he is directly in the firing line. Perhaps he could convince her to see a doctor.

When deciding how to deal with your sister, try to make choices that increase (rather than damage) your closeness and ability to influence. If you are able to do that, you should have a better chance of moving her situation in a good direction.

All the best,
Andrew

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Dismaying Story #45: It's All in the Point of View

Dear Andrew,

I married into a family of business people. My husband's only sister had married "well." She was living the life of country clubs, cocktail parties with bar tenders and serving wenches. We were more your everyday pot roast and mashed potatoes type of people.

Her efforts to drag us into the realm of "the better life" were subtle but unending. There was not enough money to live according to their style. She is the best person in the world and has taken care of our children when they were tiny little people, but didn't understand that teeny little chickens stuffed with wild rice in orange peels are not things that your average four year old will express great fondness for --- not to mention the celery casserole on the plate with nothing to hide it under.

I would seriously love to tell her, "I have been in this family for an enormous amount of time and I love you dearly, but could you get off my back about living 'the good life.' "

As time has passed, she is mellowing a fuzz, but still maintains exaggerated memories of the poor but honest childhood she and my husband had. The next time she starts into one of her imagined stories, could I just ask her what really happened on that occasion?

I feel like a poor relation and we are not. Why do some people elevate their social standing, by putting others down?

Signed, Not So Poor

Dear Rich in So Many Ways,

Understanding someone else's motivation in a conflict situation can be a challenge. When this happens, there is often a natural tendency to do two things:

• Make the issue about ourselves; and
• Assume the other person is dealing from a position of strength.

You feel criticized, like the issue here is your lifestyle. That is an understandable reaction, since that has frequently been the topic of conversation. Going along with that, you feel like you are getting the worst of this exchange. She seems to have great confidence in the value of her lifestyle as compared with yours.

To gain a greater appreciation for what she might be thinking, however, it often helps to remember this: she has the same two natural tendencies.

From your sister-in-law's point of view, how might this be an issue about her? Is it possible this is more about her insecurities than her confidence?

I'm sure she's smart enough to figure out that her attempts to please your children (at least at dinner) are flops compared with your own. She may feel torn between two worlds. From her point of view, the upper crust folks may look down on her because of her childhood, and the down to Earth crowd doesn't understand her because she is different. I wouldn't be surprised if she feels nobody truly accepts her. She might envy the fact that you don't have two worlds pulling at you. Her attempts to draw you into her world might be a plea for company, a desire to have someone just like her with whom she can share the experience.

Her actions make more sense when you consider them from this point of view. Which is more likely, that a generally nice person would take every opportunity to put you down, or that a person with insecurities would have trouble concealing them? I suspect the latter.

If we assume this is true, then her idealized childhood memories are another way of saying, "See? We really do have something in common." Correcting her would be likely serve only to make her feel more isolated and rejected. If you can appreciate these comments from her point of view, I suspect you will feel less like correcting her.

More than that, with an understanding of what she has likely gone through, you may be able to find opportunities to reassure her, to make her feel accepted and appreciated. I suspect that, more than anything else, might cut down on the number of times you hear about this sort of issue.

All the best,
Andrew

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Ask the Faithful Readers #5 - Separate Finances

Dear Faithful Reader,

Recently an acquaintance mentioned they had noticed a common trait among their friends whose marriages ended in divorce. Apparently every one of these couples maintained separate finances. As always happens when someone brings up a relationship issue, this got me thinking.

I can see how separate bank accounts could raise potentially prickly issues. Who should pay for what? Both spouses live in the house / apartment, so who should pay the mortgage / rent? If one person pays, might they feel the other is taking advantage of them? If the payment is shared, what happens when someone comes up short? What does it mean for one spouse to "owe" money to the other? Might that debt lead to resentment, possibly in both directions? Does this "What's mine is mine" approach indicate a lack of commitment, an unwillingness to share in fundamental ways? Or in some cases could separate finances allow two people with different spending habits to coexist without stressing each other?

What do you think? Do separate bank accounts mean you're one step closer to having separate addresses?

As always, I will post my personal favorite comment next Saturday with a link to the respondent's blog.

Signed, The Inquiring Advice Guy

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Dismaying Story #32: To Procreate or Not to Procreate

Dear Andrew,

My husband and I have been married for 2.5 years and living together for 3.5 years. He's 33, I'm 35. I have been married / divorced once before (divorced six years before marrying again, btw) but I was my husband's first serious relationship of any kind.

Things were okay for about a year after we were married, but then some pretty serious problems involving finances, substance abuse and lack of communication began to arise, resulting from both of our behavior patterns, not just one of us. These issues resulted in our being separated for a year (my idea), but we recently moved back in together to try and work things out. The aforementioned issues are still present, but he and I are both trying to work on them; it's simply going to take some time to resolve them, particularly in regard to the finances. Our relationship is still fairly tumultuous but isn't as bad as it was before we separated; I think things could work out in the long run.

I've already had a Chapter 7 bankruptcy, but my husband still has something like $22,000 worth of credit card debt. Furthermore, we both have student loans that are in deferment (we're both part time students, looking to graduate within about 2.5 years). We share no credit card or bank accounts. We are trying to pay down the debt but with our meager income it will take years.

The issue is that my husband wants us to have children, and soon. Before I met him I never wanted children -- I never saw myself having a life conducive to family and my own family history is pretty dysfunctional to say the least -- mother married five times, father splitting when I was a baby, endless emotional strife at home, etc. My husband, though, is so warm and nurturing, the kind of person who would never abandon his family. I fell in love with the idea in a pipe-dream sort of way but I've always had serious practical questions. The romantic, sweet notion of having babies was nice while cuddling with my husband, but how could we pull it off while maintaining any sort of stable and secure lifestyle?

My husband is anxious to begin trying within a year. In terms of pure biology I can see his point but when viewed within the context of where we are in life it makes no sense to me. I would have to give up my job (daycare is far too expensive), curtail my schooling (career suicide for me) and assume pretty much sole responsibility for the house and offspring while my husband continues to work full time and go to school part time. Meanwhile, the credit card bills will continue to collect interest, the student loan companies will want their money and my husband's still meager salary couldn't possibly cover everything.

My husband dismisses my concerns as being overly negative and simply says things will work out somehow. Considering that I am expected to make the majority of the sacrifices, I'm having a hard time buying such cavalier statements. I love my husband but I don't think either of us (individually or as a couple) are ready to negotiate such an undertaking without an inevitably disastrous outcome. I'm afraid that if I suggest that we hold off for a few years that he will think that I'm cheating him out of something and will ask for a divorce.

Signed, Leery of Becoming a Mommy

Dear Leery,

I can't possibly come down unequivocally on one side or the other of your issue and say, "This is what I think you should do." It would be incredibly presumptuous of me to do so for such an important life decision. You obviously have concerns, however, and have asked me to provide an opinion on whether your concerns have merit. That I can certainly do.

I'd like to start with your last statement; you are afraid your husband might divorce you if you don't give in to his request. Worries over the tenuousness of your marriage might not be the best reason to consider having children. If the bond between the two of you is so weak that a disagreement like this would dissolve it, then you would likely be in danger of separating anyway when the extra stresses of raising children arrive. If your bond is strong, then the timing of when you have children should not be a make or break issue. Either way, the threat of divorce should not be enough to make you ignore all the other issues you mentioned; it should make you take them all the more seriously.

Let's assume you decide to have a baby within a year or two. Realistically, all the issues you mentioned will still be around; there is nothing to indicate you are on the verge of eradicating any of them from your life. Hopefully you are aware that adding an infant to the mix will not make any of those issues easier to deal with. Instead, you will have even more pressure:

• Your money situation will be worsened because of loss of your income plus considerable childcare expenses, even with you home full-time. Clothing, diapers, car seat, crib, toys, high chair, food -- they all cost money and plenty of it.
• Both you and your husband will be sleep deprived, even if you try to carry the bulk of the night-time responsibilities. If he thinks working full-time and studying part-time is a challenge, wait until he tries it with less sleep, an exhausted wife and a noisy child making it difficult to concentrate. And if things are tumultuous now, add in sleep deprivation and more stress -- the results are probably predictable.
• I am especially concerned about the substance abuse. I can't tell from your letter whether this is an issue for one or both of you, but either way the potential impacts on any child that enters your life are obvious, ominous and huge. I hope you would strongly consider dealing with this issue on its own before subjecting a child to its effects.
• You and your current husband have already separated once. Although you seem optimistic about the future, you must worry whether history will repeat itself, especially when the extra stresses I mentioned come into play. Where would that leave you? What would that mean for your child?

You need to have a realistic vision of what life might be like with a baby and ask yourself if you can live with that.

I have to wonder how much of your hesitation is actually fear based on your family history. You have been taught to expect instability and abandonment. You had always thought that you wouldn't be able to provide a stable lifestyle for children, even before your current husband came along. Without diminishing all those other concerns, you should ask yourself honestly how much these sorts of fears play into your decision making and whether you still believe them to be valid. I don't know the answers but I think you should ask the question.

Your age is also certainly a factor. You have a little wiggle room to wait but Mother Nature will shut the door before too many more years pass. If the two of you (and it should be both of you, not just one) truly yearn for tiny hugs in your life, I can understand how waiting much longer would be difficult for you.

In short, I agree that your concerns are valid. Many children are born into less than perfect life circumstances and manage to grow up despite their parents' struggles with life. Such families often face tremendous challenges, though, and that would almost certainly be true in your case. How much risk are the two of you willing to take? Only you and your husband can decide how to balance those factors. I hope you can reach a decision that works for both of you.

All the best,
Andrew

If you haven't already done so, now is your chance to check out this week's Ask the Faithful Readers question. I will post my personal favorite response on Saturday with a link to the winner's blog.

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Dismaying Story #30: No More Time to Give

Dear Andrew,

My husband is a full-time college student and last year he opened up his own business / office. I have my own business to run, which takes about thirty hours a week of my time, plus I look after our three year old and do the domestic chores galore. I'm always picking up messes. I mow the lawn, take out the trash and it is a never ending circle. There is absolutely no "me" time.

Our financial situation adds to the stress. My husband's business only brought in $15K in profit last year, since much of the revenue went into covering the rent / utility / operating costs of his office. It seems to me it would make more financial sense to go back and run things from here at home, but his philosophy is "Once you step forward you don't ever step back." I have to do all the childcare because we don't have enough money for daycare. I sit here battling fleas and roaches because we can't afford an exterminator.

I believe I am giving 100% PLUS on the support side (I even help him with his homework!!) but now he's telling me to sit at his office and help out for hours during the week. I have two new customers of my own I can't get to -- I just don't have the time.

Am I stingy or something? Is it me? I'm sure feeling quite obstinate over this battle.

Signed, Overworked and Overstressed

Dear Overworked,

I had my scorecard out and a big black marker in my hand while I read your letter. Your husband has two full-time jobs. You have a three-quarters time "official" job. You are also a primary care mother and homemaker, which in my books is more like a job and a half. It runs from the moment you wake up until you give up on that last pile of laundry and go to bed at night. Add to that all the tasks your hubby might normally do if he were not so busy: the yard work and a portion of his homework. To be on the conservative side, I'll call that a quarter of a job, in the range of 10 hours a week or so.

So by my scorecard, here are the number of full-time jobs you are each currently doing:
Hubby - 2.0
You - 2.5

The 2.0 for your husband might be a little low, since new entrepreneurs are often forced to go the extra mile to try to get things moving. His number might be closer to 2.5 as well.

Let's just pause there for a moment and think about this. You are both putting in crazy long hours. You have virtually no time for yourself or, I'm betting, for your relationship. When was the last time the two of you went out and did something fun together? You have a small child at home, which is a joy but also means extra stress. Money is tight, which means your living conditions aren't exactly what you would like them to be, to say the least.

Criminy, is it any wonder there is tension between the two of you? You're living in a pressure cooker and the steam is turned up full blast.

A couple of things occur to me that you might want to think about. First, I believe it is a telltale sign that your husband is asking for more help from you. He may not have a good understanding of this situation from your point of view. It is unfortunately all too common in our society for people to downplay the effort involved with being a primary care parent and homemaker. I suspect in his mind the job scorecard might look something like this:
Hubby - 2.0
You - 0.75

He has two official jobs, while you "only" have a three-quarters job. Therefore, his harried and overworked brain reasons, you are the one with extra capacity. You are the one who should step up and help to bail the two of you out of this tight situation. As you know very well, that is simply not true. You barely have time to shave your legs let alone take on another part-time job with his business.

So one step you might take is to educate your husband about the workload involved with being a homemaker. The most effective method I have heard for this is to get him to take on your role for a few days. When Momma takes a trip and leaves Hubby in charge, he often has a much better appreciation for her workload by the time she returns. In fact, he usually can't wait to scurry back to the office so he can rest up.

My second concern has to do with the way the two of you work out compromises. You wonder whether out-of-home business premises make the most sense right now, but it is your husband's philosophy that determines the course. You used the word "telling" instead of "asking" when you said, "he's telling me to sit at his office..." Was that merely an unfortunate choice of word, or do you have somewhat of a "he tells, she listens" type of relationship? He is obviously comfortable asking you for help; are you equally comfortable stating your needs?

Many women are givers by nature. You give and you give and you wait for him to reciprocate ... and feel badly if it doesn't happen. Many men, on the other hand, will assume that if you're not asking, you don't need help. They assume this because that is how they operate.

Let's say the two of you are on your way to a wedding and he isn't quite sure how to find the church. He hasn't asked for help but you pipe up and offer to call somebody for directions. What is he likely to do? Many men will scowl and say, "I can find it." Unsolicited help can be an insult, an indication that you don't believe he is competent. Since men don't like to be offered unsolicited help, they are not always great at doing so for others. They will wait to be asked.

Do you ask your husband for help? I don't mean indirectly like, "I sure am tired today." I mean, "Will you take out the trash now please?" Some women contribute to your own workload because they don't realize how little they actually ask for help.

Finally, the two of you need a plan, a way to escape the pressure cooker. His plan is to get you to contribute more, to help his business succeed so it can take the two of you to the promised land. Since you have no more time to give right now, this seems to be an unrealistic plan.

What can you look forward to that will offer some relief? He will finish his studies at some point, which should help lessen the overall household work burden. If either or both of your businesses become more successful, the extra income can provide childcare, better living conditions and maybe even (dare to dream) help cleaning the house once a week. Money may not buy happiness, but it certainly can buy away some drudgery.

Those are medium-term measures, though. In the short-term it seems you and your husband have two choices. You can proceed as you are and keep your sanity by having faith that changes are coming down the road. Often it is easier to withstand hardship if you know (or even believe) that the cavalry is just over the next hill.

The other option is to open a vent in the cooker and release some steam right away. Do you truly believe that operating your husband's business from home is a better option right now? Might that save some money and make life a little easier? I have no way of knowing; perhaps he would lose customers without the image provided by having professional premises. Perhaps he would incur additional costs by breaking his lease and then having to re-establish the office later. I wonder, though -- have you presented your views on this matter and had a frank discussion about it with him? Or did you mention the idea briefly once and drop it as soon as he stated his "never retreat" philosophy? Yes it is his business, but this decision affects both of you, as well as your child. If you haven't already done so, you should take a hard, objective look at the issue and come to a joint decision.

I don't think you are stingy at all. You are simply already giving all you have to give. Hopefully these ideas might help you find some relief.

All the best,
Andrew

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Dismaying Story #2: The Breadwinner Wars

Dear Andrew,

My wife makes more money than I do and it bothers me a lot. I don’t want her to quit her job -- we seem to need both our salaries and more -- and I know it would be unfair to criticize her for having a successful career. I just hate feeling like I’m not doing what a husband is supposed to do. My wife says it doesn’t matter to her and all of the money is “ours,” but she’s always telling people that she makes more than I do. It’s like she’s rubbing it in, which isn’t typical for her. She’s normally a really supportive person.

How can I stop feeling bad about this?

Signed: Trying Not to be Resentful


Dear Trying,

Census data shows that both parents now work in 60% of two-parent families. The old model where most men are the breadwinners and women tend to stay home? History, gone, no longer the case. Research also indicates the wife earns more than the husband in a quarter of those households. The bottom line: your situation is normal. That doesn’t solve your problem, though -- the drowning man doesn’t think he’s okay just because plenty of other people drowned this year too.

You have a raging case of what I call the Supposed To’s. The husband is supposed to take out the trash, he’s supposed to be the primary breadwinner, and so on. Some of these make sense. Trash cans can be heavy and the husband is often the one with the physical strength to deal with them most easily. Other Supposed To’s come from what society teaches us and can often be harmful. Take for example what society teaches teenage girls about being attractive. Not everyone can have a Hollywood figure and many girls end up feeling insecure for no good reason, some to the point of anorexia. Similarly, your reality is clashing with what you have learned about the husband’s “normal” role. Part of your solution will come when you realize you are normal. You need to give yourself permission to be part of the new reality in our society.

Finally, I suspect your wife is not trying to rub it in. The clue is when you said you could use even more income. In the old societal model, wives spent their husband’s money. She could be telling people about her earnings out of fear -- she doesn’t want people to think she spends all of “your” money. Ask her about this. You might be able to ease her mind . . . and she might be able to ease yours.

Sincerely, Andrew

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