Dismaying Story #35: Can Opposites Thrive?

Dear Andrew,

Is it really true that opposites attract? Or a better question would be, can opposites make it work? I've been with my boyfriend for 8 months and we've known each other for over 10 years. When we first started dating, we didn't notice each other's differences. Now that we've been together for a while, we've discovered that other than our love for each other, and our core values and morals, we have absolutely NOTHING in common. We are polar opposites. It's not necessarily a problem. We seem to balance each other out. What one lacks, the other makes up for.

When it comes to certain things like communication, however, it has become a hindrance. He is very open and straightforward, says whatever is on his mind. I am more reserved and have a hard time saying how I feel. There are other ways in which we are opposite. He loves the outdoors, I'd rather say inside and curl up with a good book. I'm very laid back and I call him my Drill Sergeant.

Can a relationship work with all these differences or should there be some sort of compromise? I know that we should love each other unconditionally and not have to change for the other person. I love him to death, and he's the man I've always wanted...and he feels that same way about me.

Sometimes being so opposite gets in the way of what could potentially be the greatest relationship ever.

Signed, Yin & Yang

Dear Yin (or maybe you are the Yang),

Do opposites attract? I don't know. I'm sure there are studies based on surveys of large numbers of couples. I could look up the papers and read about tendencies and probabilities, but that doesn't matter in your case. You are really interested in whether you and your boyfriend can make a go of it.

Absolutely! You certainly can. Then again, you may not. In that regard you are just like everyone else.

Every couple has similarities and differences. Some of these enrich the relationship and make things easy, while others present challenges. Keep in mind, though, that the similarities can present problems and the differences can be advantages.

Consider a young woman who has a wee bit of a quick trigger on her temper. When the inevitable conflicts arise, she flares with an initial burst of emotion. If given a few minutes to decompress, though, she is able to proceed in a calm fashion. Now suppose she hooks up with a boyfriend who is exactly the same in this regard. An issue arises, she flares, he flares right back, which hits her right when she is incapable of handling it, so the two of them spiral out of control for a while. This is a case of two people with a similarity that causes a problem. This can also be quite common between parents and their teenaged children who inherited their tendencies. A person like this might be better off with someone who can remain calm in response to the initial flare-up.

You mention balancing each other out, so you already know that differences can work to your advantage. Consider a shy person married to Mr. Brash. The shy person might be better at sweet talking the loans officer at the bank, when a rational, conciliatory approach works best, while they might want to send the more confident partner to deal with the used car salesman.

My guess is your communication issues are caused only in part by your perceived differences. Virtually every couple struggles to communicate effectively now and then. This is the way it has been since the dawn of time. We all have to learn what works between us and what does not. Certain skills must be acquired, such as how to work toward compromise and having the empathy to see things from your partner's point of view. Developing strong communication is work and it takes time, regardless of your mix of personality types.

This is where I disagree slightly with your letter. You said you should not have to change for the other person. In one sense you are correct -- you should not have to change your basic personality, the core of who you are. Everybody should, however, learn how to deal with their partner. If you want things to work between you, the ways you react to various situations should evolve toward whatever works for the two of you. I gave an example above of two people who both tend to flare with emotion when an issue arises. If that relationship is to flourish, at least one of them (perhaps even both) should modify that tendency. Loving adults should view this type of change as an opportunity to improve their relationship, rather than as an unfair imposition. Consider the person who says, "This is how I am, take it or leave it!" They are limiting the success they might have in developing solid relationships.

You and your partner have a ways to go if you are to communicate as well as you would like. I firmly believe, however, that your particular mix of personality types does not doom you to failure in this department. If you are both willing to compromise, work at it, and be patient with each other, that will go a long way toward resolving this issue.

I also suspect you might have more in common than you believe. You mentioned having similar core values and morals, which is a solid starting place for any relationship. If your relationship were to continue for some time, you might discover other ways that these core values make the two of you similar. Would you tend to agree on what sorts of limits and boundaries should be set on children, or how they should be disciplined? Would you have similar opinions on how each of you should contribute to earning a combined income? Issues related to how we entertain ourselves can take center stage early in a relationship, while other matters arise later.

Finally there is the matter of chemistry between you. Despite your differences, you apparently believe the two of you are hitting it off. Relationships are strengthened when two people share positive experiences. This is one area where being opposites can be a challenge; you want to have at least some things you can enjoy together. That doesn't mean you have to do everything together, though. Alone time is important too. He can mountain bike while you read and the two of can still succeed like crazy.

Do you have enough in common to be happy with each other? Only the two of you can answer that one. Just keep in mind that you have to work at building a relationship. Don't be too quick to blame your challenges on your differences; these may simply be issues that everyone needs to work through.

All the best,
Andrew

If you haven't already done so, now is your chance to check out this week's Ask the Faithful Readers question. I will post my personal favorite response on Saturday with a link to the winner's blog.

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Dismaying Story #23: Is She Really Going Out With Him?

A big thank you for today's question goes out to Kellie, who maintains a blog called Floating Through the Drama. Kellie writes:

Dear Andrew,

Why do men fall for dumb girls? Correction. Why do smart men fall for dumb girls?

I've recently watched a new relationship bloom. The cast- two people. You guessed it- a smart Man. Funny. Sharp. Good looking. All in all, what I would label as "a catch." His counterpart ... less so. Cute. Great body. But all things added together, just another cute girl.

It's not the first time I have witnessed such a dynamic. Why does it seem that men in power seem to want a woman who is weak? I know I am generalizing right now, but come on! Why don't more men want a partner?

I mean a true partner. One who can connect with them in ways that, gulp, don't involve their penis? A woman who will argue with them, speak her mind, and tell them when they are full of it.

I know they are out there. Trust me, I married one. I guess the question of the day is, what's up with that?

Signed, Kellie

Dear Kellie,

Your question reminds me the Joe Jackson song Is She Really Going Out With Him?, which begins: "Pretty women out walking with gorillas down my street..."

The common link here is an apparent mismatch between partners. Besides the case you mentioned, other examples include:

• Nice girls with bad boys;
• Pretty girls with homely men (which seems to be what Joe is moaning about in his lyrics);
• The filthy rich linking up with someone from the wrong side of the tracks;
• An overbearing woman with a subservient guy;
• A popular "in crowd" member marrying the social outcast; and
• The Jack Spratt scenario, matching the athletic with the slothful.

Most people seem to seek out a partner similar to themselves in many respects. When a couple doesn't meet this expectation in some obvious way, we tend to have Kellie's reaction: "What's up with that?"

The world is full of just about every flavor of individual you can imagine. Chances are there are plenty of cases where power hungry men have snared trophy wives for reasons other than their scintillating intellect. I doubt this is the case in most instances, however.

Ask yourself this: how many truly shallow, power hungry people do you know? I'm not talking about someone you assume to be like that because their spouse seems to be subservient. I mean someone whom you know to have those characteristics based on how they state their goals in life, the way they conduct themselves in their job and so on. I bet you might know one or two, but this probably does not describe the majority of your acquaintances.

Now, how many of your friends would you guess carry around some level of insecurity in their souls? Just about everyone on the planet maybe?

The little critic who dwells within each of us might look at the mismatched couple and latch onto a cynical explanation. After all, our usual "like attracting like" expectation has not been met, so we seek other reasons. I expect the vast majority of mismatched couples, however, get together for exactly the same reasons the rest of us do, because they make each other feel good in some way. The attraction may not be obvious to others but that's hardly the point, is it? When you were about to be married, did you go around asking people for permission to love your husband-to-be? No, you had your own reasons and that was good enough for you.

So let's go back to your example of the catch-of-the-day guy with "just another cute girl." In all likelihood these are two people with typical human frailties. Is it possible this apparently confident guy actually has low self-esteem and this young lady puts him at ease? Could she have qualities many of her friends have never discovered, such as a quiet sense of humor or incredible compassion? Upon getting to know her, might he uncover this treasure trove and be attracted to her for those reasons? Based on the observations I made above, I suspect this type of explanation is more common than the trophy wife scenario.

I also see many people react to some common cues when dating. They view someone as fun, interested in the same type of entertainment as themselves, physically attractive, maybe "exciting" in some way, so they hook up and party on. It's only later when we have three kids, two mini-vans, a golden retriever and a mortgage that we learn there are other important characteristics in a life partner - things like ambition and work ethic so you can help raise a family, the ability to handle the stresses of adult life with grace and humor so you're not a nightmare to live with, willingness to change diapers and buy groceries, and so on. The young woman with the belt-like miniskirt and the young man with the Corvette might be fun on a teenage Saturday night, but they might also be a distinct drag on a 35-year-old Tuesday morning. So another possible answer is that your hunky guy may be focusing on only a few of her, shall we say, more noticeable traits. He might not realize until later that he values other qualities in a partner.

I wonder how many of my readers thought through the whole "Will they be good with diapers?" scenario before getting married. I bet many didn't, which would make your mismatched couple rather ... normal, I'd say.

All the best,
Andrew

Do you see relationships that puzzle you? Take a moment to send me a question or leave a comment using the link below.

If you haven't already done so, don't forget to check out Saturday's Ask the Faithful Readers question. This coming Friday I will pick my favorite response and feature it in a post with a link to the winner's blog. I plan to make this a regular Saturday feature.

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Living the Story

The following is a response I received to Still Chasing That Excitement. My thanks go out to this young woman who has "been there, done that" and is willing to share the benefit of her experience:

Dear Andrew

I can't help responding after I read "Still Chasing That Excitement", not necessarily to you but to the woman who wrote in asking for advice. I want to share my own experience.

When I finished high school I had an inferiority complex. I had dated a grand total of two people and I never clicked with any of them. They were relationships of context, rather than of feeling. I believed no one could love me because I was ugly and stupid and so on. I'm sure this sounds familiar to many of your readers.

When I entered university I met a guy. He liked me and he did all the right things to go out with me. He asked my phone number, called to ask me out, took me to a movie, then took my hand in his ... all the right steps, just as it was supposed to be. I couldn't believe it. Somebody liked me. And then he said he loved me.

We dated for two years. It was nice but when he asked me to move in with him I just panicked. What?! No way. I was too young, there was no freedom, there was nothing. I already spent enough time with him; there's no way I could have had more. I remember telling my sister exactly what "Still Going Crazy" says: "I wish I had met him later. He'd be perfect to meet at 30 when you want to marry. Right now I'm not ready for this."

So we broke up. I spent two years being single and happy about it. The more free time I had, the more I realized how much he and this relationship had suffocated me. How good it was to be on my own again. My fears that I would end up alone without him were wrong. I could make lots of friends (which I did). I could just have fun (which I did).

A year ago I met someone again. Two weeks later I already knew this was going to be it. When you are meant to be with someone you just know it. Do I still have my doubts? Of course. I keep wondering if I'm good enough for him, if he's going to find someone better. But I know that I love him. I don't doubt it. I know that if I had my way I'd stay with him my whole life and I know that I won't change my mind. I moved in with him after less than a year. I'm more grown-up now so you might say this helped change my attitude. It might be so, but I had that attitude until I met my current partner. I strongly believe that if my former boyfriend had been the right guy I never would have panicked the way I did.

When something's wrong you feel it. It manifests itself in many ways: desire to cheat, boredom, suffocation, panic, desire to run and so on. He might be a nice guy and the kind you think it would be nice to marry (like I said about my first boyfriend) but if he's not for you, he just isn't. That's the way life is.

Sincerely, A Former Cynic

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Still Chasing That Excitement

This post is a follow-up to Dismaying Story #17: The Ghost of the First Love. You may recall the 21-year-old woman who wrote to me with questions about her current relationship, which just doesn't seem as intense as those she has had in the past. My response asks whether she might be comparing her current experience with some idealized memory of how exciting a relationship "should" be, based on the adrenaline rush she remembers from her first big love. Here is her follow-up question:

Dear Andrew,

I agree with you a hundred percent, except I keep thinking: "When you have to ask yourself if you are in love, you probably aren't."

Sometimes it seems like it's only "exciting" when you can't get what you want - when you have to chase after the guy that will probably never be with you. The excitement - is he going to talk to me today? This week? Never?

I just clicked with my current boyfriend. There was never this back and forth - never the pain of not knowing. I loved that, and still love the security with him. I want him for my future because I am happy with him.

And yet ... it felt less real because there were never these butterflies. Maybe I am confusing love with constant wondering and heartache. I fear that these failed relationships really messed with my picture of love.

Is there a way to fix this? Fix me?

Signed, Still Going Crazy

Dear Still Not Crazy,

In my earlier response, I said most of us hope to settle down into one relationship that takes us through the bulk of our adult life. It's possible you're simply not to that "settle down" part of your life yet. It's also possible you never will be. You're not "most of us" -- you're you, an individual.

You see, we're all different. That's part of what makes this planet an interesting place to hang out for a few decades. Some people really value stability and security in life, while others thrive on risk and excitement. One person might spend her Saturday afternoon rock climbing or bungee jumping, while another looks forward to attending a good investment seminar. It is possible you are simply a thrill seeker and this extends into your love life. You say you are happy with your boyfriend, but maybe happiness for you includes an element of risk. There is nothing wrong with that as long as you are truly choosing the things that satisfy you.

You might want to be careful, though. Let me tell you a story:

This guy walks into a bar, where he finds two delightful sisters sitting alone at a table. He joins them and soon it is obvious they are both happy to meet him. He gets the sense that either of them would be pleased to go out with him, perhaps even to develop something longer term. One sister, the brunette, is quick to laugh and seems like she would be tremendous fun. The blond sister is quieter and has a calm strength the young man finds very appealing. What should his choice be?

Answer: Only one of them.

The Moral: Sometimes you just can't have it both ways.

You seem to be torn with your current boyfriend. You want him "for your future," perhaps because you can see a day coming when having a dependable guy to bring home a steady paycheck and take out the garbage will be a good deal. For now, though, you still feel a bit of that wanderlust. You miss the zing of uncertainty, the thrill of the hunt. Like I said, that's okay ... as long as that thrill is what you really want.

Be careful what you ask for because you are almost certainly going to get it. If you choose guys with more of an edge, then you will probably have to put up with the heartaches that come when they wander off in search of their own next thrill. Maybe that's a good tradeoff for you, I don't know. Only you can decide that.

On the other hand, if you choose guys who are more like your current boyfriend, then you must live with the almost certain knowledge that the Hell's Angels won't be dropping by for the weekend.

Should you stay with your boyfriend "for your future" when you have doubts today? Again, that's up to you to decide. The good news is that you have all your cards on the table. You have a good sense of the issues, now you just need to figure out which ones are most important to you.

And yes, there is some truth in what you said: if you have to ask whether you love him, he might not be "the one." On the other hand, it's normal to question our big choices in life. "Am I really ready to make a commitment? What if there is someone else out there I might love more?" These are all typical thoughts. It would be easier if life came with a set of black and white guidelines we could follow, but it doesn't. Give it a bit of time and your heart will tell you whether to hold on tight or move on.

Finally, I don't think you need "fixing" at all. You are simply searching out your path in life the same way people have been doing since Eve said, "Um, hello Up There. Is it possible there might be, you know ... another guy to talk to for a while? I mean, Adam is nice and everything but ..."

All the best,
Andrew

Are you having trouble making a decision about your relationship? I would welcome your email or any comment you wish to enter using the link below.

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Dismaying Story #17: The Ghost of the First Love

Dear Andrew,

When I was fifteen I was in love. I never doubted, never questioned. I could have sworn we were meant for each other. Two years later I went away to school and my feelings suddenly changed; I broke up with him. After that I had a series of failed relationships and a history of cheating. Now I am 21 and in a relationship with a guy who is really great. We have no problems at all - never fight. But still, after six years, I compare my relationships with this first love - and it never seems as intense, as happy, as right. My current boyfriend is everything I ever wanted and yet I am afraid my feelings will change - that I will cheat on him because I am too sure of him and because "bad boys" are all so tempting - and that I will lose the only man that actually has potential. I doubt, I question. And the worst thing is... I absolutely don't know why. Is it me? Or are we just not right for each other? Am I cheating myself?

Signed,
Going crazy

Dear Not At All Crazy,

Your first big love can be an exhilarating experience. Everything is new, exciting, filled with discovery and fueled by the raging hormones that Mother Nature supplies in abundance when you are young. Teenagers often have relatively few responsibilities, so you can spend much of your time being carefree, having fun and enjoying each other. The whole deal is special and memorable, like your first kiss.

Whenever you start a relationship with a new partner, there is often a similar period of newness and excitement. You have the thrill of the first date with this person, the first kiss, the pleasure of discovering what they are like and what sort of couple the two of you can be together. This may not be as life-altering as your first big love but it can still be a rush, a mighty fine experience.

Eventually, though, most of us hope to settle down into one relationship that takes us through the bulk of our adult life. Such mature relationships are still filled with pleasure, just a different kind. Instead of adrenaline-filled excitement, we have the comfort and stability that comes from having a wonderful and committed life partner. We have the contentment of maturing together and achieving life's great accomplishments, such as raising a family. Happily, it is also possible to continually surprise and delight each other by sharing new and fun activities, keeping your sex life interesting and lively, visiting new places together and so on. The excitement doesn't always come "for free" - you have to work at it - and you can never re-create the pure rush of the first time, but there is definitely no need to settle for dull and boring just because you are with one person for a long time.

I believe part of your issue is that you have created an image in your mind of what a relationship "should" feel like. Unfortunately you have based this image on the first big love that happened when you were fifteen. Now as a young adult you are in a more mature relationship, which is entirely normal and appropriate. When you compare your experience now with the adrenaline rush of the first love, however, you realize they are different and wonder if your current boyfriend is somehow lacking.

Of course your current relationship is different. You will never have that first big love again. You will never be fifteen again. Every relationship you have from now on will be more of the mature variety. That doesn't make them any less wonderful; instead it means you will experience the pleasures that make life great in the long term.

What about that boyfriend you had when you were fifteen. What if the two of you had never broken up. Would you still have the same feeling today that you did back them? Would it still feel "as intense, as happy, as right"? In some ways, maybe. If he was indeed the right guy for you, then you could be happy in that knowledge. The adrenaline rush, though, would have faded by now. The two of you would have matured together and so would your relationship. I suspect it would resemble greatly the type of mature relationship you have with your current boyfriend.

What if you met that old boyfriend now and started seeing him again. Could you re-capture the original glory and excitement? You might do so for a short time, the same as with any new relationship. Before long, though, the two of you would be through with the "honeymoon period" and settle into a more mature relationship.

There is just no way around it. Mother Nature wants all of us to grow up; in fact she's rather insistent about it. (And don't send me letters about your Uncle Herbert who never grew up. There are exceptions to every rule :o)

I have no way of knowing if your current boyfriend is "the one" for you. Based on your letter, though, it seems like you are not questioning things because of any faults of him or your relationship. Instead it seems you are placing him in an unfair position. He can't possibly win. You are comparing your current relationship with some idealized memory of what love is "supposed" to feel like. If you continue to do that then every relationship you have for the rest of your life will feel like it is coming up short. You will be in danger of sabotaging any chance you have for long-term happiness.

You mentioned fear. You are afraid your feelings will change, like they have in your past relationships. Hopefully by understanding the unrealistic expectations that have been at the root of your discontent, you can now move past that. Give yourself permission to be happy. Stop holding out for a mind-blowing, hormone-induced buzz. Instead, realize that plain old "happy" is a wondrous thing in itself. If you can achieve that, I bet plenty of Faithful Readers would gladly change places with you.

Finally, you say "bad boys" are tempting. This seems like more of the same pattern. This image offers risk and excitement. Eventually I hope you will realize the incredible value of a partner who is supportive, reliable, committed . . . and who can still give you that weak feeling in the pit of your stomach whenever he walks into the room, even after many years.

In short, I suggest you stop comparing your current relationship with that idealized image. Only then will you be able to decide if your guy is right for you.

All the best,
Andrew

Do you worry about your relationship? Take a few minutes today to email your question. You can also enter a comment using the link below. Comments can be anonymous and the identity of email respondents always remains confidential.

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Self-Esteem Affects How You View Your Partner

Did you know that people with low self-esteem tend to see their partners differently than those who feel more secure about themselves? Apparently people with low self-confidence often think of their partners as either virtually all good or all bad, depending on how well things are going between the two of them at the time. In the good times, their spouse is a saint. During the tougher times ... well, that's why many people have a doghouse. This is just one of the ways self-esteem can affect your relationships. For the rest of the story, check out this article by Dr. Deborah Serani.

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