Dismaying Story #110: In Sickness and in Health

Dear Andrew,

I am 37 and my husband is 51. We have been married for nine years. We were together for about five years before we were married. We have a two-year-old son. We have not had sex since July of 2005. We haven’t had a great sex life since we were first dating and that was only for a few months. The problem is that he has very little sex drive. About three months after we started having sex, he had a brain aneurysm surgically repaired. Before the surgery he was all over me sexually, but afterwards he was never the same. Now I have to beg him for sex. He almost always puts me off with some excuse.

I cannot count the number of times that I have been answered with:
It’s Friday, we have the whole weekend.
You know I don’t like to do it during the week.
I like it in the morning.
I’m too tired, how about tomorrow (after promising it today earlier in the day)
I thought about approaching you earlier, but then didn’t do it.
I didn’t know it had been that long (a month or more!)
I came onto you the other day and you ignored me (he never made it clear, he would hug me or something and not actually say anything, and I was so used to trying not to react that I didn’t realize he was coming onto me, if he even was)

He can get an erection. I can help with that and I’m glad to do it.

I have asked over and over if there is anything I could do to make things easier for him. I have tried to express to him many times how unhappy with our marriage I am, and how I feel like I have tried everything I could to make things work. He has talked to a couple of doctors over the years and all they do is test his testosterone and prescribe Viagra. He likes using the Viagra because it makes him more confident. However when we have Viagra available, it’s still always me pushing for sex. It sits in the cabinet like it’s not there. Talk about frustration!

We haven’t had sex in so long because I stopped asking. I’m tired of feeling humiliated and ignored. I’ve thought long and hard about divorcing him over this issue. I used to really love him, but now I’m not sure that I am truly in love with him anymore. I feel like he broke my heart over and over all these years and nothing will change him. I have cried over and over about my feelings and tried to be very clear that I’m truly hurt. He says that he doesn’t know what to do, he doesn’t know what’s wrong and he doesn’t know how to fix it. This is always his answer. I don’t know how to love someone and not have sex with them.

I don’t know that I could have sex with him again. I have never had a problem having an orgasm and thought I was “ easy.” But as soon as we had sex, I’d wonder when the next time would be. I don’t understand why he couldn’t try to satisfy me sexually without having intercourse. I don’t understand how he could listen to me cry and not do better. Somehow in 2004 I managed to get pregnant. We had tried years before without success, and thought we weren’t able to get pregnant. So we have sex three times in a four month period and bam I’m pregnant. He’s so in love with his son, and I would feel like the biggest jerk if I took him away from him.

I don’t know that I’m strong enough not to cheat if I had the chance. I will be honest and say I have cheated before. Although it was sexually satisfying, it wasn’t good because I didn’t have a relationship with them. I haven’t had sex with anyone in about 10 months. I have actually wished that I didn’t have a sex drive. I think I’d be pretty happy without it at this point. It’s hard to focus on the rest of my marriage without thinking about the sexual part.

He is not interested in counseling. Any suggestions I have of him taking herbal supplements or doing anything that I’ve read about get shot down pretty quickly. He tells me how humiliating it is to talk to a doctor about it. Try it from my point of view pal. He says he loves me and lives to make me happy but is not interested in going out of his way to have sex with me.

I do not nag him, and I really don’t make negative comments about his manhood, or be bitchy about sex. It is really hard to not be bitchy about other things.

The way I think is that if he isn’t going to give me sex, than he would maybe want to step it up around the house chore wise. He’s quite lazy. I could live with that, I’m lazy sometimes too, but I’m tired of doing everything around the house.

We tried counseling in 2001. We only had about four sessions before we moved to another town on short notice. We hadn’t really gotten into treatment. He didn’t like the exercises the counselor suggested, and he doesn’t feel like anyone would be able to tell us anything that would help. I just believe that he will not change, will not make an effort to change, and cannot figure out a way to compromise and see the bright side of things. They usually look pretty bleak to me.

I have thought about counseling for myself, but even the type based on one’s income is too expensive for me. I don’t want to be divorced. I don’t want us fighting over my son. I don’t want us fighting in front of my son. I am afraid that I cannot teach my son to believe in true love when I don’t believe in it myself. If I had the money I would probably have left him last year, or even before that, especially if I didn’t have my son. I really feel it was a mistake to marry him knowing he had this issue. It just got worse over the last few years. I always thought that I could tough it out, but now I am not so sure. It’s awful to be with someone I always thought of as my best friend and feel like he doesn’t even care enough about me to make the effort to change.

Signed, Starved for Love

Dear Starved for Love,

I’m sorry to hear you are having such a hard time. There is a great deal going on in your situation, much more than just the sex issue.

Before the surgery he was all over you, but since then he barely has a sex drive. Bam, just like flipping a switch when the surgery happened. It seems clear the change is a side effect of the surgery.

A difficulty for you is that he CAN still have sex, claims to want to please you, but he doesn’t follow through. I imagine it might be easier to bear if he had a medical condition that clearly prevented any possibility of sex, then there wouldn’t be all this anguish over whether it will happen.

It’s unclear how much of the rest of it could also be due to the surgery -- general lack of ambition and energy, poor memory, etc. He could also suffer from some degree of depression, which can have similar symptoms. Careful now -- I said “he could” and that’s a long way from “he does.”

If you acknowledge that part of this, maybe even a large part, is medical, then you have to take a look in the mirror and ask yourself what degree of dysfunction you are willing to endure in order to sustain the marriage. I can’t advise you on that -- it is such a personal choice. You made a vow to stay with him in sickness and in health, but it’s unclear how much of the dysfunction in your relationship can be chalked up to sickness.

The excuses you mentioned (“Not during the week”) are just that, excuses, not real reasons. The real reason is that he just doesn’t feel like having sex, and like I said that seems to be linked to the surgery. But it is harder for him to admit, “I just don’t want to,” so he makes other excuses.

Usually in a situation like this I would say something like this: Even if he isn’t interested in the things you need, he married you and he has a responsibility to look out for you. He should step up and be a giving husband, even if he does so only as a gift to you.

In this case, though, I can’t get past the medical angle. I have no way of knowing how much of a factor that is. He doesn’t seem motivated to please you. He says he is but his actions say otherwise, and the actions clearly speak loudest. If he truly had your interests at heart, he would make the effort.

But he doesn’t. Is it depression? Is it medical? Is it merely someone who is feeling sorry for themselves and is stuck in such a rut that he can’t bring himself to look out for his own needs, let alone yours? I have no possible way of knowing.

Recently I posted an article called Love Is a Verb where I argued that love and good intentions held in your heart have no direct effect your spouse. It only matters if you take action; if you actually do things to make your spouse’s life better. Your husband is not doing this for you and it sounds like there is a good chance that won’t change. Again I don’t know that for certain, but the picture you paint is bleak when it comes to his willingness to seek help and solutions.

I understand it would be crazy hard to leave. I have children too and I can’t imagine forcing them to be with only one parent most of the time. But here is another thing to consider. What will your son learn growing up in the current environment? That he can expect wives to be dreadfully unhappy? That it is okay for the husband to sit around, ignore his wife’s needs, etc.? What kind of a role model will your marriage provide for him, assuming things stay much as they are now? Studies show boys tend to grow up and emulate their father’s behavior.

And what if you happen to have another child? What would that do to your world?

I suspect you may eventually be forced to make some tough decisions. Will you accept what you have and make the best of it? That’s one option. The other option is to leave. Neither option is ideal and only you can make that choice.

I will offer one piece of advice, though. If you truly want to look elsewhere for sex and companionship, end this relationship before you do so. (Or commit fully to your marriage and leave the other men alone.) You will feel so much better about yourself if you do it in the right order. If some guy will cheat with you, ask yourself this -- how likely is he to cheat ON you later, once you have left your husband to be with him? Do yourself a favor and deal with this relationship all by itself for now.

My thoughts are with you as you search for the best way forward for everyone concerned.

All the best,
Andrew

Have you read a good novel lately? Or maybe you are writing a book and would like to tell us about it. If so, now is a great time to check out the Question of the Week about relationships in fiction.

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Dismaying Story #91: The Contented Wetter

Dear Andrew,

What do you do when your three-year-old reverts back to wetting his pants? We are using regular trainers (cloth) and the wet doesn't seem to bother him. He still goes poo-poo in the potty, but now we're back to square one after three months of going in the potty. Any ideas?

Signed, Frequently Washing Clothes

Dear Frequently,

I would look at three possible factors: physical, emotional distractions, and behavior in response to rewards and/or penalties.

Let's start with the physical. At some point in this process, if nothing else seems to be working, you might want to consider taking your son to a physician to rule out urinary infection or other conditions that might make it more difficult for him to make it to the potty. If such accidents were to happen, some children may treat them as if they were no big deal in the hopes of avoiding a reprimand.

I suspect your problem is more likely to be a behavioral issue, though, especially if he has no other noticeable symptoms and is not complaining of any discomfort.

Has anything changed in his life that might be distracting for him? Using the potty is a new thing for him; it is not yet instinct. He still has to make a conscious decision to get up and go. If he is spending a major portion of his brain cycles worrying about some life issue, this can dramatically reduce his ability to remember to go to the potty. This could be anything he would find traumatic -- a new babysitter, Mommy and Daddy fighting more than usual, an increased level of tension in your home, and so on. If you know of any such issue, it might help to take steps to reduce the impact on him. Talk to him and help him put his mind at ease. This may not solve the issue, but it could remove a significant roadblock to doing so.

In terms of pros and cons, look at the issue from his point of view. He's hanging out, playing with some cool toy cars, and generally having a good time. Then the urge hits and he has a choice. Should he leave the cars (which at the moment is not something he wants to do) to go use the potty? Well, he figures, what's in it for me? What is my reward for going? Is it greater than the cost of staying where I am? That might have been the case when you first started the toilet training. I suspect he received plenty of attaboys when he first used the potty. Time has passed, however, and now maybe Mom and Dad take it for granted. He no longer gets the external reward. Sure, maybe he would prefer the dry pants, but you said this is no big deal to him, perhaps not as big a deal as taking a break from whatever he happens to be doing at the time.

One thing you can try is to change the equation for him. Increase the cost of peeing in his pants, as well as the reward for going in the potty. That doesn't mean you have to be angry or punish him. Instead, make it so he has to bear the cost of the "accident." Give him as little assistance as possible in removing the wet clothes. He may struggle a bit getting them off, but that's good -- it means an even longer break from his fun activity than it would have been if he had used the potty. Make him carry the wet clothes to the washing machine or laundry basket. He should get a wash cloth, run the water until it is warm, wet the cloth, and wash and dry himself off. You may have to help him if you want to avoid puddles on the floor, but do so as little as possible. Then it's off to the laundry again with the cloth. Next the two of you can visit his bedroom where he must pick out new clothes and do his best to put them on. Let him struggle with it for a while. Once that is accomplished, maybe you can get him to wipe the damp spot he made where he had the accident.

There is no need to act the least bit upset at any point in this process. He already knows you don't like the wetting, and now he is learning why -- because messes mean lots of work, and now it means lots of work for him too! He'll hate the disruption, which is exactly what you want.

On the reward side, you want to catch him succeeding at peeing in the potty and give him over-the-top praise and encouragement. You may not have had any chances recently to do that, so you might have to manufacture a few. Schedule a couple of hours when you can give him your full attention. Dress him in just training pants (turn up the heat if you have to) and offer him plenty of his favorite juice. Sock it right to him so hopefully he will have to pee several times during this session. As the two of you are playing, ask him frequently if he has to go to the potty. Tell him you expect him to make it there when the time comes. If he doesn't make it, you are back to the clean-up routine. If he succeeds, heap on the praise. Tell him how proud his grandmother will be to hear about his great accomplishment, how happy Daddy will be when he gets home. Celebrate after his success with a treat from the kitchen.

The combination of increasing both the cost and the reward should be effective.

Finally, don't forget to explain to him the reasons for all of this. Too often we forget that our little people are highly intelligent and can make better choices if they have all the facts. Make sure you explain to him how important it is for him to use the potty. Tell him about the extra laundry Mommy and Daddy have to do, how nobody likes the smell, and so on. Give him every possible reason to make the right decision.

I hope that helps. Good luck and let me know how it turns out.

All the best,
Andrew

I'm still looking for more input on this week's Question of the Week about domestic violence. Let us know what you think is the best way to deal with this issue.

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A Weighty Issue

If you wish you could lose weight or are struggling to do so, then you should read this article. It is the most insightful and heartfelt post on the issue of weight loss I have read in quite some time.

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