Question of the Week #19: Relationship Resolutions

Should auld acquaintance be ... um, better?

Happy New Year everyone! There is really only one question that makes the most sense to ask this week; I'm talking about New Years relationship resolutions.

My theory is that nobody is perfect, so striving to improve is a healthy thing for all of us. Is there someone with whom you would like to get along better in some way? What could you resolve to change about your own behavior that might improve one (or perhaps all) of your relationships? Or maybe you're not sure what specific behavior changes might help, but there is a result you'd like to achieve. If so, let us know. I'll come clean with a relationship resolution of my own next week, along with a roundup of favorites from among yours.

And as a bonus question this week, consider this: To Love, Honor, and Dismay will soon publish the 100th Dismaying Story. This is due in large part to the continuing contributions of all you Faithful Readers, for which I am constantly thankful. Do you have any ideas how we could celebrate this milestone?

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Dismaying Story # 96: Uncharacteristic Behavior

This question came to me by way of my colleague Rod Smith, a family therapist, coach, author and newspaper columnist whose blog is listed in my sidebar under Difficult Relationships.

Dear Andrew,

My girlfriend and I, both 24 years old, have been in a committed relationship for four and a half years. We both form part of an extended social group involving university and church activities. She has been loved and accepted as part of my family as we intend to marry after we complete our studies in 2007. All of her immediate family has emigrated. We have slept together but in the context of a committed loving relationship.

Recently, all within a few weeks, she began an sms flirtation with the boyfriend of a friend of hers (an old school friend not part of our group who is overseas for a while) which developed into exchanging provocative emails in which she sent him full frontal nude pictures of herself. They did meet a few times and she then drove a considerable distance to spend the night with him one night. This obviously took place without my knowledge.

Through our extensive social network, I and our friends have found out, and are shocked and confused by her uncharacteristic behavior and betrayal. She does not deny anything, but strangely does not understand and can not explain her actions and appears to be embarrassed and upset about what she has done, although I have to wonder if this has only surfaced because she has been found out.

My family and I now face a choice of assisting her (and me) perhaps with counseling to discover the root of her actions and reconcile, or to move our lives forward without her to avoid further betrayal.

My question is – can you offer any insight as to why someone might suddenly behave in a manner so out of keeping with their normal character, and although understanding the hurt she has caused can not offer any explanation?

Signed, Baffled and Surprised

Dear Baffled and Surprised,

When you say her dalliance is uncharacteristic, ask yourself if that is in comparison with (a) her inner characteristics, or (b) your experience with her. It can only be the latter, because there is no way for you to understand her nature except through her external actions; only she can experience her hopes, desires, dreams, and emotions directly.

In the past you have seen her behave as a committed, church-going individual. Now you see a completely different side of her exposed and you ask yourself if your longstanding opinions could be wrong. You planned to marry, and you became committed to this plan in every sense of the word. You have invested a considerable amount of time, energy and emotion into your dream for the future, and quite understandably you would rather not have to abandon this dream and start over. You are grieving the possible loss of your idyllic future together and grasping for some possibility that would allow you to regain what you have lost.

Your letter implies the possibility of some psychological or medical condition that might explain the affair as an uncontrollable sudden impulse that surprised even her, something for which she could be treated and cured so you could have your future back. This is so extremely unlikely that I would categorize it under wishful thinking on your part. If she had some treatable condition that affected her behavior to that extent, this would have exhibited itself in many aspects of her life.

Instead, she behaved normally toward you in every way while she snuck around behind your back and very deliberately worked her way from flirtation to brazen overture and finally a sexual affair. She clearly wanted this, planned it, orchestrated it and made it happen. Is this out of character for her? In one sense it is -- this is a departure from your past experience with her. She has now shown you, however, that her true nature extends beyond what you have known in the past. You have discovered her to be two-faced, deceitful and selfish, but this is inconsistent with your cherished future plans so you don't want to believe it.

She is embarrassed because she got caught, period. She is not at all confused about why she had the affair; she did it because she wanted to, because her commitment to your relationship is nowhere near as complete as your own. She didn't offer any explanation to you because she had none that would satisfy you and allow your relationship to continue. She wants her safe engagement and her fun on the side, and she knows she would lose you if she told you the bald truth about why she had the affair.

If you marry this woman, you are letting yourself in for more of the same kind of treatment. Continuing with her will send a clear message that she can engage in whatever kind of behavior she wants and you will find a way to sweep it under the rug and keep on truckin'.

This is not a case for therapy. My advice is to run. Cut your losses and start fresh.

All the best,
Andrew

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Do You Agree with the New York Times?

Paul was kind enough to let me know about a recent New York Times article entitled Questions Couples Should Ask (Or Wish They Had) Before Marrying. This article was their most frequent download for a week or two after it was published. I would love to hear your comments on these questions. Here are a few of my thoughts:

1) Have we discussed whether or not to have children, and if the answer is yes, who is going to be the primary care giver?

3) Have we discussed our expectations for how the household will be maintained, and are we in agreement on who will manage the chores?

Ah yes, sharing the domestic workload. Where have we heard that before? (Maybe here...) I think it's a great idea to open the dialogue on these issues before getting married. A word of caution, though; I have heard from many women whose husbands said they would help out, but then failed to follow through when the time came. The idea of sharing the workload might sound great in theory, but old-fashioned, stereotypical gender expectations often rear up and cause havoc at crunch time. Sure, talk about these issues as early as possible, but don't be surprised if it still takes some time to hash out how things will really work between the two of you.

Also, both of those questions are worded in a way that implies one partner should be expected to shoulder the bulk of the child care and housework burden. It may work that way in many households, but I also know of several where neither spouse is considered the primary parent nor the one who "owns" the chores. I'd prefer a question like: "Can we agree that we will share the chores as equally as possible? (allowing of course for the realities of life)"

2) Do we have a clear idea of each other’s financial obligations and goals, and do our ideas about spending and saving mesh?

How many young people are likely to know how shared finances will work when they haven't ever tried to do so? And how many have yet to arrive at a mature understanding of how they should manage their personal finances? (Or, for that matter, how many older people have yet to do so?) It's easy to say, "Oh, yes, we should save forty percent of every paycheck in a fund we'll never ever touch." That's easy to say but often harder to live up to. Agreeing on a financial plan before you marry doesn't mean you are done wrangling about the issue. Many times it only means you can say, "But you agreed we would do it this way!"

I don't mean to sound pessimistic. Certainly talk about these issues before getting married. Just be realistic and know there will still be work to do later.

4) Have we fully disclosed our health histories, both physical and mental?

Agreed. Anything but complete honesty here should be a deal breaker.

5) Is my partner affectionate to the degree that I expect

What if they aren't? Does that mean you should cancel or postpone the wedding? Maybe yes, maybe no; that's up to you to decide. Simply talking about this may not prompt the cold fish partner to warm up. On the other hand, such discussions can uncover underlying issues that can then be cleared up, thus relieving tension and opening the door to more spontaneous affection.

6) Can we comfortably and openly discuss our sexual needs, preferences and fears?

In my experience many young couples would answer this question with a "no," and not because they are dysfunctional. Young folks (heck, many older folks) often take a while to find their personal comfort zones when it comes to sex. Many issues still loom when they get married, such as the need to avoid pregnancy (at least for a while), the "chased versus chaser" mentality, the "sex is bad" messages that many people are bombarded with during their teens, and so on. A healthy dollop of tension around sex is common and should not be considered a reason to give up on a fledgling relationship.

7) Will there be a television in the bedroom?

I've never had one in my bedroom. Does anybody want to comment on this one?

8) Do we truly listen to each other and fairly consider one another’s ideas and complaints?

This is huge. The two people who truly respect each other, listen, and do their best to help each other (including a willingness to accept constructive criticism) -- this is a marriage with a good chance to flourish.

9) Have we reached a clear understanding of each other’s spiritual beliefs and needs, and have we discussed when and how our children will be exposed to religious/moral education?

Unlike the housework and sex issues, this is one where I would expect many people to have strong self awareness, even at a young age. And it's definitely a good idea to understand any sensitivities in this area.

10) Do we like and respect each other’s friends?

11) Do we value and respect each other’s parents, and is either of us concerned about whether the parents will interfere with the relationship?

12) What does my family do that annoys you?

How someone reacts to and gets along with others -- that tells you a great deal about that person. Beware the potential partner who has problems with everyone else in your life, or who wants to keep you all to themselves. If they have problems with everyone, remember they are the common factor in all those problems.

13) Are there some things that you and I are NOT prepared to give up in the marriage?

Come on, fella, she's right. That brown Naugahyde armchair is downright ugly. Pitch the chair and give her free rein to decorate the new place however she wants.

14) If one of us were to be offered a career opportunity in a location far from the other’s family, are we prepared to move?

I can see how this would be good to discuss, to have a general understand of the importance of extended family to each of you. I suspect, though, that such issues evolve over time and the answer depends on many factors, such as how juicy is the job opportunity, which of your family members still live in your home town by then, and so on.

15) Does each of us feel fully confident in the other’s commitment to the marriage and believe that the bond can survive whatever challenges we may face?

In other words, do we both feel good about doing this? Are we both optimistic? Please, if you answer no to this one, don't feel like it is too late to postpone or back out. It is much easier to have second thoughts beforehand than it is to undo things once you are married, especially once children are involved.

Now if you have a few moments in the midst of your holiday shopping and celebrating, I'd love to hear what you think.

Oh, and as an early Christmas present for all you grammar lovers out there, I gave in to the requests and added the serial comma in the banner at the top of this site.

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Dismaying Story #95: Forgiveness Is A Gift You Give Yourself

Dear Andrew,

About six months ago, my boyfriend of two and a half years and I broke up. We still love each other, but since we were finishing university and were embarking on significant lifestyle changes, we decided that it was best to call it off, rather than fighting to keep together a relationship that was already falling apart. (The one thing we shared was that we loved each other. We wanted very different things out of life; had very different interests; different values; different approaches to life. My family didn't like him, he didn't like them. Once we finished university we could no longer sustain the relationship we had enjoyed as students.

About three months ago, I met a guy that was the polar opposite of my Ex. We hit it off right away, and began to hang out on a daily basis, on a platonic level, after work, and it seemed like everything we talked about just brought us even closer, and brought to light more similarities between us. About a week later, he expressed a romantic interest in me. I was flattered, and admitted that I was attracted to him as well, but expressed hesitation to get involved in anything with him because a) we are coworkers; and b) I was just coming out of a very serious relationship, and didn't want to start something on the rebound. He agreed to take it slowly and just see where things went. However, he didn't stop pursuing me fairly aggressively. And I didn't object to being pursued in this way. It was nice to feel desirable and wanted, especially since my Ex had cut himself off from me entirely.

What transpired was a fairly intense relationship that remained unlabeled and underhanded. Because we are coworkers, and didn't want to become fodder for office gossip, we conducted a lot of our romantic activities on the sly. About three weeks in, my Ex showed up at my front door, crying, and begging me to take him back. Although I had spent three months wishing for this situation, I finally felt as though I was moving on, and told him that I was seeing someone else. A few days later, the new guy took me to his home before a party we were going to attend together, and we slept together for the first time. The entire experience felt dirty and wrong. Two days later, he said that we needed to talk and told me that he felt that our relationship had come together in a very dysfunctional way, and it made him uncomfortable, and he didn't want to end up hurting me in the same way he had hurt girls in the past, so he thought we should stop seeing each other.

I agreed that we had rushed things and jumped into a sexual relationship that I, at least, was not ready to have. We agreed to rewind a bit, and revert to the "dating" stage, and take things one step at a time. The next day, at work, as we went to get our morning coffee, he said that he had thought about it some more, and wanted us to be entirely platonic. That evening, as we chatted online, he explained that after we had slept together, he had started thinking about a serious relationship that had ended about two years ago, in which he and his girlfriend had been on the verge of engagement, before he panicked, and she gave up on him. He said that in retrospect, he thinks he should have married her, and every relationship he has been in since has ended up being a train-wreck, because of his inability to connect, and he claimed that he didn't want me to become part of his "relationship chaos and carnage roadshow."

This made (and continues to make) me very angry. I was entirely upfront with him from the very beginning about my reservations about getting into a relationship, and my personal and emotional difficulties. He knew that I'd been struggling with depression for a few years; he knew that I used to cut; he went in with all the cards on the table. He also knew what his own background was. But he chose to not share any of this information with me; he chose to lead me to believe that he really wanted to be with me. He chose to convince me that he was looking for a serious relationship. I feel used, and dirty. If he felt that he wasn't ready for a relationship, he shouldn't have started one. In effect, he told me what I wanted to hear, and toyed with my emotions until I began to believe that I might actually be able to be happy with him; and the moment I slept with him, he lost interest and backed out. I've tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, because I DO still have to work with him, and see him five days a week, but the more I think about it, the more used I feel. I feel as though he took advantage of my vulnerability and naivete, and turned me into a notch on his bedpost.

Am I being unreasonable? Because of him, I destroyed any possibility of getting back together with my Ex, as well, and that makes the anger even more intense. I want to stop hating him and I want to stop loathing myself, but I have no idea how to do this. The worst part is that deep down, I really want to believe that he's a good guy, and that once he sorts himself out, we will end up together.

Signed, Hurting and Hating

Dear Hurting and Hating,

Both of the guys in this story told you, "I don't want to be with you." This is a difficult message to hear because it bashes your feelings of self worth and clashes with your strong desire to make a relationship work. More than that, they delivered this message in an ambivalent, on-again, off-again fashion, which makes it even more difficult for you to decide what you want and predict what will happen. You spent three months wishing for your ex to show up and you still hope to end up with the co-worker.

For your own sanity, the first thing I recommend you do is realize neither of these guys is the one for you. Regardless of the reasons, "I don't want to be with you" is a pretty clear indication that they don't want to be with you. Why should a dynamic bundle of personable hotness like you put up with that? You deserve (and need) a better deal than that. You gave it a try with each of them and it didn't work out. You learned some lessons and got your feelings bruised. If you step back and look at the big picture, though, you will realize that you are still a whole person and you are now free to get on with life, which hopefully includes meeting Mr. Right and having many wonderful bowls of ice cream together. Don't hold on to the flimsy hope of getting back into one of these damaged partnerships. Doing so will only prevent you from finding a fulfilling relationship. Put them behind you and move on, and do it today.

Regarding your co-worker, you did not destroy your chances with your ex "because of him." If you and your ex were meant for each other, if things were great between you, then (a) you wouldn't have broken up (this happened because of real problems), and (b) no fresh-off-the-vine new boyfriend would have been enough to make you turn away the crying ex. You would have swept him into your arms and held on tight. It didn't work out between you and your ex because of the problems between the two of you, not because of your co-worker.

When your ex showed up and you "felt like you were moving on," that was because you were moving on. You were not at your final destination, though, just the next stop along your life journey. You may feel like you wasted your time with your co-worker. I would argue, though, that dating your co-worker helped you understand there was life after your ex, which is something you needed to find out. While hurtful in the end, this brief relationship also fulfilled some of your needs for a while. Rather than focusing entirely on the painful aspects of this experience, it might help you to realize that some good came from it as well.

Then there is your anger over feeling used and poorly treated by your co-worker, about all the things he should have done differently. Naturally you are interpreting the relationship from your point of view. If you are honest, I suspect you'll have to admit to yourself that you entered the relationship because of what it might mean for your life; it made you feel desirable and wanted, like you were moving on, etc. You did not say to yourself, "I should start dating this guy because it will help him feel good about himself." No, we enter relationships because of our own hopes and needs. That doesn't mean you don't care about the other person, just that your own viewpoint dominates your thinking at the beginning.

This is evident in your letter, which interprets what happened only from your point of view. This is natural and understandable, but I believe you can gain a greater understanding of what happened if you now step back and also consider events from his viewpoint.

You now know that he has been carrying a big load of emotional baggage for at least two years. He entered your relationship in a state of weakness, and was hopeful this would be the one to break him out of it. He desperately wanted this to succeed so he could get past his problems. Of course he wouldn't dump his baggage on you at that point. Suppose he said, "Just so you know, I'm a total emotional mess inside and I can't get over my old flame and I have sabotaged every one of my recent relationships with my dysfunction." That would have you (and most women) making excuses and heading for the door in short order, which is exactly the opposite of what he was desperate to achieve. And in the eternal optimism of the dopamine-driven early stages of dating, he truly hoped and believed he would never have to tell you this, because THIS one was finally going to work out for him, dammit.

But it didn't, in fact couldn't. He needs to get over his internal anguish and forgive himself for his past decisions, and no new relationship can help him do that. He needs to heal inside before he will be able to fulfill his end of a functional relationship.

But he didn't know that when he started dating you, and in all probability he still doesn't realize it. You say he should have told you, and he should have realized, and he should have known better than to start something with you. That is the same as saying he should be aware of the nature of his dysfunction and should be able to get past it. Clearly he hasn't been able to do that; he is still mired in his past and can't see a way out. "Except maybe," he thinks, "if I find someone else, that will make the memories go away," which is what he tried with you.

You feel like he got the sex he wanted and then lost interest. I don't see it that way. I believe he failed in achieving what he wanted (to feel a strong attachment for you, thereby erasing his painful past). He ended it with you because his pain persisted in spite of how your relationship had progressed. He wasn't happy to notch his bedpost; he was miserable that his hopes didn't pan out and he was right back where he started ... and he had hurt you in the process. Considered from this point of view, his statement that he didn't want to hurt you any further was probably sincere.

Yes, one could argue that he might have spared you the pain if he had been more honest about himself up front. And you could beat yourself up wondering if you should have seen the signs and avoided getting involved with him. None of this helps you, though. All it does is make the pain persist longer than necessary.

Do you really need to assign blame? How does this help you? You need to forgive him for hurting you. And don't do it for his sake; forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. It is the way you free yourself from the pain and allow yourself to gain closure, to move past the recriminations and brooding. I truly believe your co-worker did what he did based on hopefulness. Perhaps this realization will help you feel compassion for his pain, as well as forgiveness for sharing it with you.

Similarly, you need to forgive yourself for being human. We all want to feel desirable and wanted, and you shouldn't beat yourself up for trying to find happiness. I've yet to see a crystal ball that really works, so at the beginning there was no way you could have been expected to know how things would work out.

A better approach would be to open your heart in case Mr. Right walks by later today. And in case he happens to be on his way to an ice cream parlor.

All the best,
Andrew

Is the holiday season hard on your relationships? Or does this time bring you closer to your friends and family members? Weigh in with your opinion by checking out the current Question of the Week.

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Question of the Week #18: Holiday Togetherness

Family time. Togetherness. Celebration. Those sound like the sorts of things that should help strengthen relationships over the holidays, don't they? A relaxing evening with a glass of bubbly. A romantic interlude next to the fire, with the Christmas tree lights blazing nearby. It's almost a Hollywood cliché for how to get people to bond with each other.

Or you could think about the relatives who don't see much of each other through the year, but are now thrown together in close quarters for a few days. Is it any wonder family tensions sometimes erupt? Then there is the stress of all the preparation, making everything just so, working hard and traveling far to meet expectations and live up to your family's holiday traditions. Yours wouldn't be the first set of nerves to be frayed from staying up late because of "some assembly required."

What is your experience? Pick one of your relationships, perhaps with your significant other or your parents, and consider this: Do the holidays bring you closer together? Or does the hectic activity create extra stress between you? And what could people do to make it more of the former and less of the latter?

I'm looking forward to hearing your thoughts. I'll post a few thoughts of my own along with my favorite comments next week.

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Dismaying Story #93: Moving Past the Fear

Dear Andrew,

I've made poor relationship choices in the past, repeating what was modeled to me as a child. Now I want a healthy relationship but I'm unsure how I can allow myself to have one. Are there steps/questions that one goes through while dating in order to dig out the weeds and allow the garden to shine through?

My mom was bi-polar, she loved me and hated me and was abusive. My dad is a controlling man who traveled a lot for work and when he was home I was his little princess. He would bring me gifts from all over the world. My mom would use me as a pawn when ever she needed more money, depriving me of things -for example a shower or a bath - claiming she couldn't afford to pay the household bills. Then he'd give her more household money, which taught me love was conditional. My kids and cats taught me love was unconditional.

In the past I dove into relationships way too fast, then when I'm in, I will do anything to keep it even when I know it's bad. I give away my needs for the needs in the relationship, which are generally his. The men I choose are unavailable emotionally. Then I run away and look for another one because my needs are not being met. This is the reason I've been living on my own for a while - to break that pattern.

Dating men who lack intimacy may very be because I also fear intimacy. If I don't give away that part of me, then it's like I'll be safe... but it hasn't worked yet. At this point I'm willing but scared to let go, to let someone really get to know me.

Also, abandonment issues raise their ugly head when I attempt a relationship. My mom was only half there when I was growing up, which left me fearful of being left. It's easier to not even get involved in the first place, or to give men the sex they want without any feelings. I know I have to do things differently but I don't know how.

The bottom line is, I've met someone who is willing to go as slow as I want. I've told him what I'm willing to do and what I'm not willing to do, but how do I know if I'm just keeping him at arms length to get to know him better or if I'm doing it because I don't want to let him get to know me?

I've had some insight reading The Intimacy Struggle by Janet Woititz. It has been very enlightening, not only for my behaviors but also for my prior partners.

Signed, Afraid to Jump

Dear Afraid to Jump,

Fear is a learned response. Your past experiences have taught you that you can expect the people in your life to:

• consider you as not worth much (less valuable than, say, household spending money);
• leave you alone whenever they feel like it;
• be emotionally abusive, and so on.

More than that, deep down inside (or maybe even not so deep) you have come to believe that you deserve to be treated like that. You feel like you are not worthy of loving companionship.

You keep guys at arms length for at least two reasons. One, you expect them to hurt you, and two, you don't dare let them see the real you. You have built up a brave, happy, hard-working, over-achieving persona that you show the world every day. (I'm guessing on a couple of those adjectives, but I bet I'm close.) You are afraid to let any guy get too close because he would discover the "truth" -- that behind the facade there is this person with so many faults, which means she is not really worthy. And if he discovers your true nature, he is sure to do just like everyone else; he will leave.

So maybe you try to let a guy in, just a little, and what happens -- the closer he gets, the more fearful you become, which makes you shut down emotionally and push him away.

Now what kind of guy would be attracted to a relationship like that? You mentioned him in your letter: someone who is emotionally unavailable. You each feel like a safe place for the other because neither of you will demand more than the other can give. It's like two terrified middle school kids who claim to be going steady, yet they physically hold each other as far away as they can when they do the slow dance at the sock-hop, and both are glad to dance that way.

Neither of your get much from the relationship, though, so your fears and beliefs about yourself are confirmed. Then you break up, which strengthens your fears even more.

Happily, though, just as you learned these fears, it is also possible to discover how needless they are. You can replace them with trust in others and humble confidence in yourself. Reading the book you mentioned (and doing the work it suggests) is a reasonable way for you to begin this process. As I have mentioned before, you may also consider finding a coach or therapist to help you silence that inner voice, the one who is always predicting doom and telling you how worthless you are. Until you do so, you may find the prospect any relationship daunting, regardless of how great the guy is.

Your question, though, is what to do when you meet a guy. You might decide to wait while you work on your own issues, but then such issues are often managed rather than cured, so you will want to take the plunge at some point. When you do, the most basic question you should ask yourself is this: "Is he the type of guy who will (a) feed my fears, or (b) help to show me that my fears are groundless?" Will he bring you down or prop you up?

You learned to be afraid by repeated exposure to negative stimuli. To learn trust, you need to be exposed to guys who will treat you with respect, dignity, compassion and understanding. The brash, self-centered type is not the one you need right now. You should be looking for tender and patient, someone who will look you in the eyes and say, "You are a wonderful person, and of course I want to be with you." In other words, you need the exact opposite of the emotionally distant guys you mentioned in your letter.

Unfortunately, realizing what you need is no guarantee you will find it. Being aware of your needs, though, should put you in a better position when considering which guys to date and when evaluating how any relationship is proceeding.

You are most definitely worthy of love! Good luck!

All the best,
Andrew

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Dismaying Story #92: Where Are All the Good Men?

Dear Andrew,

I am contemplating a relationship with a man older than myself who has two sons, aged 4 and 7. They live with their mother, but he spends as much time with them as possible and visits daily. I am 21 and he is 30. I was looking around online for advice about dating someone with children, and while there seems to be a wealth of information regarding dating as a single parent, there seems to be nothing about this topic. My concerns are not about future logistics as a "mother figure," as the relationship is not yet begun, but rather to do with our respective life experiences, and the bearing this will have on the success of a relationship. I feel that having children fundamentally changes people's life perspective and priorities. I fear that because I have no children, I could never really understand and appreciate his life perspective. I also feel I would always be lower priority than his children. Do I really want to be third in line?

I am also fearful of a relationship at all. I wonder if it's worth getting into another relationship that seems destined to fail, and after reading an older posting on your site (Dismaying Story #42: When an Age Gap Doesn't Work), I wonder if the same applies to me. Am I only attracted to this man because I think it will fail? We have talked about pursuing the relationship and have both agreed the timing is not right because of our various past difficult relationships, and the holiday season bringing stress to his family. We have discussed and agreed on all the difficulties a relationship of this nature would pose; issues like my still wanting to "party," his children, etc. Despite all this logical analysis and all the things stacked against it, I still feel like I want to pursue it. I guess I am confused because I am now second guessing myself and wondering if it's for the right reasons. Could I be just imagining our strong connection because it's what I desperately want to find?

I always seem to make the wrong choice with men and am terrified I will do it again. I constantly ask "Where are all the nice men?" but I never seem to be attracted to the nice ones. I know many women feel this way. Former short but serious relationships include a compulsive liar, a jealous control freak who emotionally abused me, and a conman/fraudster who was actually deported! With this list, I am not confident in my ability to pick suitable partners!

Signed, Afraid, Confused and Petrified

Dear Afraid,

Oftentimes someone will describe a relationship to me and ask me for an opinion on whether I think it could work out. Occasionally the signs are so clear that I must express my doubt, for instance in the presence of violent or emotional abuse, addiction or adultery.

Other times there are obvious challenges but I have to admit that I can't predict whether the union might or might not work out. The relationship game is not that cut and dry. Most of us know couples who seemed destined for each other but ended up in divorce court, and others who overcame tremendous odds and ended up growing old together.

Your story involves a few obvious obstacles, such as the age gap, your childless /partying lifestyle versus his role as a parent, and your insecurity over whether he would feel a closer bond with you or with his children. Could this possibly work out between the two of you? Sure, it might. Would there likely be problems along the way? Oh yeah, I'd say you could count on that.

But don't all of us need to work past difficulties in order to make our relationships work? Absolutely. The issue here is that you know about a few of the challenges right from the beginning.

That is actually a good sign. Both you and this guy have demonstrated level-headedness by recognizing that all is not peaches and cream. You have your eyes wide open, have discussed the potential issues rationally, and have exhibited caution. This type of maturity can serve you well as you try to work past issues in a relationship.

On the other hand, you still have this fire in your belly that is driving you forward. Passion, lust, desire, fun, tossing logic out the window and grabbing him with both hands and impulsively running away for the weekend -- these are what make relationships such an invigorating and rewarding part of life. Yes, you should listen to these instincts too.

How, then, can you resolve your quandary? In my opinion you can't -- not in your current state, not with any reasonable likelihood of success. Here's why.

In your letter, you talk about your desperation and lack of confidence when it comes to relationships. You want badly to be happily hooked up with a nice guy, but fear that it will never happen, that you in particular could never make it happen. Unfortunately your fear serves as a self-fulfilling prophecy. It makes you enter relationships with an expectation of failure and, most likely, a monumental chip on your shoulder. Guys who are attracted to quiet confidence and self-assured women will find this a turn-off; they will stay away in droves. On the other hand, these are precisely the characteristics that will draw in the men with a controlling nature. They will circle in on you from miles away like sharks following the scent of blood in the water. I have a great deal of confidence that this is part of the reason for your dysfunctional dating history.

Once you are in a relationship, your fear also stands in the way of making it work, or at least of making it work well. The inevitable issues that crop up will be blown out of proportion in your mind, serving as immediate reinforcement of your prediction that things wouldn't work out, that he wouldn't want you, and so on.

So here's my answer to your question. Before you can make a judgment about this or any other potential partner, you should focus on healing your own wounded spirit. Several of the posts on this site deal with developing humble self-confidence and stopping negative self-talk. You can start there, and consider finding yourself a coach or therapist to help you with these issues.

Coincidentally, yesterday's post includes a wonderful strategy for dealing with exactly your situation. Have a look at it; basically the idea is to imagine your life in the long term without a significant other, tweak this vision until you are happy with it, and then set out to make it happen. Once you are not so desperate to find a man, you will have an entirely differently perspective for evaluating potential relationships. More than that, you will start attracting a different sort of man, the kind who does not gravitate to needy, desperate women.

For the record, he should have a stronger bond with his children than with you. In fact, I would recommend you stay away from the guy if that were not the case. His children are dealing with the trauma of the breakup of their parents' marriage. They need his unswerving attention and devotion. They need it now and they need it often. Any father who allowed a new dating relationship to take precedence over those needs is probably not the kind of guy you want to end up with. Yes, it would be a challenge to play second (or third) fiddle for a while, and that may not be a challenge you want or need. His children are, however, where his first loyalties must reside.

All the best,
Andrew

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Domestic Violence - Don't Put Up With It!

Many thoughts to everyone who commented on last week's question. I agree with Margaret, who said, "I believe that domestic violence is a conditioned and learned dysfunctional behavior."

The consensus among those who commented seems to be that the primary place we learn such behavior is in our childhood home. I also agree with this. Children learn by watching the examples we provide, and tend to replicate the environment in which they were raised. Young men who observe abuse between their parents learn that such behavior on their part is normal and will be tolerated. Young women in similar situations learn that they can expect no better from life and that they should put up with it.

When I see a young couple where she has low self-worth and he lacks maturity, these are red flags for me that the relationship will have serious issues, maybe even to the point of domestic violence. Ronni offered a list of other behaviors for girls to watch out for in their boyfriends:

If their boyfriend wants them to do things like dye their hair,

If he badmouths their friends and parents,

If he tries to get her to do things he knows are against her family's rules, like drink, or stay out past curfew,

If he pushes her around, even in fun,

If he sets "rules," or gets angry,

If he wants her to withdraw from school activities, like choir or cheerleading,

If he wants her to date him exclusively,

Any or all of these things are Red Flags.

Above all, girls need to remember that whatever he says or does, the behavior will escalate.

Most girls don't realize how serious this behavior can and WILL get.

Amen to that. A list like this should be required reading for all high school girls (and guys, for that matter). Girls should learn they can choose guys who don't act like this (and there are plenty of them out there) and guys should learn that such behavior will put them in the Alone Club pronto. Unfortunately girls do put up with guys like that, and the guys don't end up alone as a result. The sad truth is that too many young men believe this to be normal, and too many young women are so anxious to be validated and wanted that they will put up with it.

The one comment I have about that list is the exclusivity part. That may be a red flag for very young girls (and I suspect that is what Ronni meant) but being monogamous is a good thing for couples who are dating seriously, such as when they get to the point of contemplating marriage.

Ronni also offered some advice on how to attract the right kind of guy. I have heard about this type of strategy before and it makes perfect sense to me:

Women who feel that they need to be in a relationship in order to be happy or fulfilled tend to attract abusers. For grown women, I would suggest visualizing your life alone. Think about it down the years until you can see yourself as an old lady, alone. Now tweak your scenario until you like it. Maybe just in a studio apartment with a cat and your hobbies and friends. Maybe owning your own home. Maybe sharing a home with a room mate. Tweak it until you like it, and then set out to make it happen. There are much worse things than being alone.

All of a sudden you will start to attract men who respect and admire you for your self-confidence, rather than those who would control you.

We all advertise ourselves to the world. We tell others about the type of person we are and what we expect from the world, all by how we act. If you project an aura of fear and quiet desperation, you will tend to repel confident, "together" guys and attract those who can't quite seem to manage life. In other words, the image you project will determine how people respond to you.

Finally, Klynn told a powerful story from her own life that reinforces these thoughts. It seems she learned the right kind of lessons from her upbringing:

When my first marriage was getting rocky, my then-husband and I were having a loud argument. At one point, he pushed me, and I fell back to sit on the couch. It was just a push, nothing more. But silence ensued. After a moment of stunned wide-eyed silence, I picked up my toddler daughter, and walked out of the house, barefoot. I did not stop or look back. He eventually caught up with me a couple of blocks down the road, and was crying and begging me to come back. I made it clear that physical violence of any kind would NEVER happen in my house again. I was dead serious when I walked out that door, and he knew it. Eventually the constant arguing would lead us to the realization that we were not going to work it out, and that was no environment to raise a child, and we divorced. But, he never raised a hand toward me again. The moral to my story is that I had the upbringing and the self-esteem to not tolerate physical violence.

I know it can be tough to draw a line in the sand and really mean it when it comes to your marriage. Some behaviors, though, should be considered dead-stop deal breakers, and physical violence is one of them. Please, if you are living with this kind of abuse, make a commitment to make it stop. Tell your partner that you will no longer tolerate it, not for one instant. And if it doesn't stop, find somewhere else to be. Staying in such a situation can literally be life threatening and, as the comments from several readers attest, can doom your children to a similar life when they become adults.

Violent abuse is not normal. It is criminal.

Thanks again to everyone who contributed.

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Dismaying Story #91: The Contented Wetter

Dear Andrew,

What do you do when your three-year-old reverts back to wetting his pants? We are using regular trainers (cloth) and the wet doesn't seem to bother him. He still goes poo-poo in the potty, but now we're back to square one after three months of going in the potty. Any ideas?

Signed, Frequently Washing Clothes

Dear Frequently,

I would look at three possible factors: physical, emotional distractions, and behavior in response to rewards and/or penalties.

Let's start with the physical. At some point in this process, if nothing else seems to be working, you might want to consider taking your son to a physician to rule out urinary infection or other conditions that might make it more difficult for him to make it to the potty. If such accidents were to happen, some children may treat them as if they were no big deal in the hopes of avoiding a reprimand.

I suspect your problem is more likely to be a behavioral issue, though, especially if he has no other noticeable symptoms and is not complaining of any discomfort.

Has anything changed in his life that might be distracting for him? Using the potty is a new thing for him; it is not yet instinct. He still has to make a conscious decision to get up and go. If he is spending a major portion of his brain cycles worrying about some life issue, this can dramatically reduce his ability to remember to go to the potty. This could be anything he would find traumatic -- a new babysitter, Mommy and Daddy fighting more than usual, an increased level of tension in your home, and so on. If you know of any such issue, it might help to take steps to reduce the impact on him. Talk to him and help him put his mind at ease. This may not solve the issue, but it could remove a significant roadblock to doing so.

In terms of pros and cons, look at the issue from his point of view. He's hanging out, playing with some cool toy cars, and generally having a good time. Then the urge hits and he has a choice. Should he leave the cars (which at the moment is not something he wants to do) to go use the potty? Well, he figures, what's in it for me? What is my reward for going? Is it greater than the cost of staying where I am? That might have been the case when you first started the toilet training. I suspect he received plenty of attaboys when he first used the potty. Time has passed, however, and now maybe Mom and Dad take it for granted. He no longer gets the external reward. Sure, maybe he would prefer the dry pants, but you said this is no big deal to him, perhaps not as big a deal as taking a break from whatever he happens to be doing at the time.

One thing you can try is to change the equation for him. Increase the cost of peeing in his pants, as well as the reward for going in the potty. That doesn't mean you have to be angry or punish him. Instead, make it so he has to bear the cost of the "accident." Give him as little assistance as possible in removing the wet clothes. He may struggle a bit getting them off, but that's good -- it means an even longer break from his fun activity than it would have been if he had used the potty. Make him carry the wet clothes to the washing machine or laundry basket. He should get a wash cloth, run the water until it is warm, wet the cloth, and wash and dry himself off. You may have to help him if you want to avoid puddles on the floor, but do so as little as possible. Then it's off to the laundry again with the cloth. Next the two of you can visit his bedroom where he must pick out new clothes and do his best to put them on. Let him struggle with it for a while. Once that is accomplished, maybe you can get him to wipe the damp spot he made where he had the accident.

There is no need to act the least bit upset at any point in this process. He already knows you don't like the wetting, and now he is learning why -- because messes mean lots of work, and now it means lots of work for him too! He'll hate the disruption, which is exactly what you want.

On the reward side, you want to catch him succeeding at peeing in the potty and give him over-the-top praise and encouragement. You may not have had any chances recently to do that, so you might have to manufacture a few. Schedule a couple of hours when you can give him your full attention. Dress him in just training pants (turn up the heat if you have to) and offer him plenty of his favorite juice. Sock it right to him so hopefully he will have to pee several times during this session. As the two of you are playing, ask him frequently if he has to go to the potty. Tell him you expect him to make it there when the time comes. If he doesn't make it, you are back to the clean-up routine. If he succeeds, heap on the praise. Tell him how proud his grandmother will be to hear about his great accomplishment, how happy Daddy will be when he gets home. Celebrate after his success with a treat from the kitchen.

The combination of increasing both the cost and the reward should be effective.

Finally, don't forget to explain to him the reasons for all of this. Too often we forget that our little people are highly intelligent and can make better choices if they have all the facts. Make sure you explain to him how important it is for him to use the potty. Tell him about the extra laundry Mommy and Daddy have to do, how nobody likes the smell, and so on. Give him every possible reason to make the right decision.

I hope that helps. Good luck and let me know how it turns out.

All the best,
Andrew

I'm still looking for more input on this week's Question of the Week about domestic violence. Let us know what you think is the best way to deal with this issue.

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Dismaying Story #90: Circumventing Mom's Values

Dear Andrew,

I know tons of moms facing this issue. Maybe you can give some insight on how to handle this for the holidays, and it will work for the kids' birthdays and such also.

My husband and I are trying to live simply. We don't buy electronic toys for our children, and we try to avoid plastic "crap," violent toys/movies, and all the princess stuff. Problem is, my family doesn't understand this. They continue to give toys that I have told them are inappropriate for our values. We have told them we don't do these kinds of toys, we have offered suggestions, but to now avail. I even have one that insists on giving my 5 year old makeup and high heels! What can I do to keep the peace, and not have to fill my home with this stuff?

Signed, The Peacekeeper

Dear Peacekeeper,

The toys are not the main issue here. Your main problem is that virtual badge you have pinned on your own chest, proclaiming yourself to be Deputy Keeper of the Peace for your extended family. I have said this before on this site; once you get married and have children, they are now your main family and your primary concern.

In this case there is a conflict between the values you wish to use within your own household and the values of your extended family. You have to remember that it is your house and they are your children, period. It is up to you and your husband and no one else to decide what is appropriate for them to own. Inform your family members that if they give inappropriate gifts to your children against your wishes, you will return the gifts to the giver. (Or you will throw them out, or you will put them in permanent storage in a basement closet, your choice.) Tell them that they now know the ground rules, so they will be responsible if your kids are disappointed about having to do without a gift after opening and seeing it.

And you have to follow through on your promise, with absolutely no exceptions, regardless of the giver.

You have to realize that they are the offending party. These are your children, and your family members are trying to impose their own will on how they should be raised. Stick to your values. Your family members may test you on it, and they may grumble or complain when you keep your promise, but this strategy will stop the problem.

If your family members raise huge waves over this, then that is a bad reflection on them, not you. It means they don't respect your rights to raise your own children as you see fit. Again, you are in the right here.

In other words, you have to stand up to your family members and to heck with the consequences. Stop worrying about keeping the peace. That desire is leading you to be manipulated by your family. They will learn rather quickly that you have developed a backbone on this matter and they will toe the line, because they will hate it even worse that they end up giving no gift at all to your children.

Here is another way to think about this. You have developed those values for a reason -- because you believe that violating them will prove harmful to your children in the long term. Until now you have been acting as if the feelings of your extended family members are more important than the well-being of your children. If you step back and look at it from this viewpoint, I bet you will agree that this may not be the best way to balance those priorities.

Unpin that imaginary badge and your problem will disappear.

All the best,
Andrew

There have already been several amazing responses to this week's Question of the Week about domestic violence and young people. Take a moment to review the comments and leave one of your own.

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Question of the Week #17: Domestic Violence and Young People

I recently heard a news item on a local radio station that reported the assignment of two police officers to focus on domestic violence in my community. The newscast included a quote from a police representative, who said: "We have to teach young people about inappropriate behaviors in relationships that can lead to domestic violence."

Such an announcement is a clear indication that this problem is widespread and severe enough that police officers are involved on a regular basis. I find this sad, but I am intrigued by the idea that intervening with young people might be able to make a difference.

Young men tend to be interested in the conquest. They are driven by powerful physical urges and often lack the degree of understanding and empathy they may develop later in life. Young women live the life of the pursued. They wait to be asked out and their self-esteem can take repeated hits when the phone doesn't ring. Viewed in this context, a date often consists of two needy people seeking validation from the other. Guys need to curb their natural aggressiveness and girls need to ignore that little voice that says, "I better put up with whatever he does or he won't like me." I can see how this combination can lead to dysfunctional patterns, even to the point of violence.

What do you think? Have you experienced the sorts of pressures I described? Can you verify that these or other factors can lead to domestic violence? How do you think we could educate young people, both guys and girls, to help prevent this problem?

I'll post my favorite response next week (or perhaps even a few of the responses), with a link to the winner's blog.

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Dismaying Story #88: An Emotional Affair

Dear Andrew,

About a year ago I started getting active in on-line forums, which offer private messaging. I became friends with a single man, aged 52, who lives several states away. We talk about our day-to-day lives but never about sex. He means so much to me and has told me I mean so much to him. We have each other's phone numbers but have never spoken on the phone or in person. He sent me some flowers and a book when I was on a short trip by myself. I have sent him cards, just friendship cards.

I told him I was not looking to leave my marriage. My love for my frequent-traveler husband has been gone over the past few years, but I still have to raise my children.

I do love this man. I love him in my life. I feel like I have a friend for life now. I've always been wary of on-line relationships but not anymore. The thing is, I feel guilty for having a friend like this. My husband would never understand.

I am not looking for your approval. I just wanted to confide in someone, on the outside.

Signed, Just Fell Into This Relationship

Dear Just Fell,

I believe your husband would understand exactly what this on-line relationship means, and I think you do too.

Ask yourself a couple of tough questions. Why do you think your husband would react negatively to your friendship with this other man? And why have you hidden it from everyone? The reason is you know you have crossed a line.

Here is a good test for whether an action represents a betrayal of your significant other. Would you do it if they were watching you? If not, you should consider strongly whether you should be doing it.

This is more than a casual friendship with someone of the opposite gender. You have developed an attachment to this man of the sort you feel is missing in your marriage. In short, you are having an emotional affair, and this is definitely a betrayal of the commitment you made to your husband.

I understand that things can get rocky in marriage for all sorts of reasons, including frequent separation like you and your hubby must endure. You may feel like the spark is gone and there is no way to get it back. Your life at home is full of work, kids, stress, and enough hum-drum to fill a dump truck. This is what you share with your husband, which means much of the time you spend together is filled with neutral or even negative experiences.

Your on-line friend, on the other hand, is your escape from the storm. With him everything is always, "Hi! Glad to hear from you!" You are always in mini-vacation mode when talking with him. This is spiced with excitement of newness and the thrill of the forbidden.

If you step back and think about this for a moment, you will realize this is an entirely unfair way to compare the two men in your life. Imagine you could perform this magic experiment. Pretend your online friend is your husband. Now he is the one who is away all the time and has to share the stress of kids and bills with you. What personality characteristics would come out in this man that you have had no opportunity to observe? Your husband, on the other hand, is now the new spark that you only get to glimpse when the two of you have time to have a virtual cup of coffee together. You have nothing but fun experiences with him.

Now which man would be holding your interest? I suspect the shoe would be entirely on the other foot.

Let's take it a step further. Suppose you left your husband and went to live with your on-line friend. Now you would get to run the same experiment for real. All of a sudden life would come crashing into your new relationship, with the same stresses you must deal with now.

I strongly believe that having an affair is never an appropriate response to troubles in your marriage. All you end up doing is hurting your spouse and your children, and feeling guilty about yourself. This is no path to happiness.

It is possible to re-generate sparks in a marriage that has become hum-drum. We all feel good about people with whom we share fun and positive experiences. The problem is that it can be difficult to make room for such experiences in the midst of bills, jobs and kids. Too many of us get out of the habit of having fun with our spouse, and situations like yours are often the result. We become convinced there is no time or no money.

Baloney. It may take some inventiveness and willpower, but it is possible to schedule fun activities with your spouse. The key is to realize how amazingly critical it is to do so, and to elevate the task to project status. Decide you are absolutely going to make it happen and don't let anything stand in your way, including your hubby, who has probably fallen into the same trap of believing it can't be done or isn't worth it.

It is totally worth it. I recommend you give this a shot.

Even with such efforts, however, the sad reality is that not all marriages are destined to succeed. I still don't believe an affair is justified. You made a commitment to your husband. If you wish to back out, then do so first. Getting involved with a third party while you are still married just muddies the water and strips you of your dignity.

You say you are staying for the children. The best thing you can do for them is to restore that lovin' feeling with your spouse. Right now they are witnessing how a marriage works between two people who don't feel much for each other. What a sad role model, and they will view this as normal. You are increasing the chances they will grow up and replicate this model. How much better it would be if they could learn by example that it is normal for husband and wife to beam with happiness at each other and give each other a hug in full view of the world just because they feel like it. And if you can't make that happen, you might want to consider whether your kids would rather be from a broken marriage ... or be living in the midst of one.

All the best,
Andrew

The backlog of questions is tiny indeed these days. Please help me keep the stories flowing. If you have a question or observation you think would be of interest to readers of this site, please consider sending it in. I appreciate all the support!

Check back tomorrow for the Question of the Week, which will deal with young people and domestic violence.

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Dismaying Story #87: Sisters Who Need Each Other

Dear Andrew,

I recently sent a letter to my siblings and received a troubling response from my sister. I don't know how to respond to her. Here is the letter I sent:

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What I am going to share with you is in no way intended to be a negative reflection on anyone. I do not intend to hurt your feelings or upset you. If I do, please forgive me and talk to me about it.

I was married to a violent alcoholic. For a number of years we dealt with it by avoidance. The girls and I would go to our rooms at the end of the day before he came in the house to stay out of the way. There were times that we simply had to leave. If you think about it you may remember a time that we showed up at your place unannounced without a real reason.

That worked for a while. Then he would seek out whichever one of us was his target. Remember in 1996 when I tripped over a cat and fell down the steps breaking my tailbone and dislocating a hip? That was a lie; I was protecting one of my girls and got knocked down the stairs. Remember in 1989 when I walked into a cupboard door and got three stitches just below my right eye? Another lie. There were a lot of little lies that I told and in my mind I was saving face and protecting you.

We joined the Jehovah’s Witnesses because that was the only religion that he would allow and I desperately needed God in my life. Their meetings also gave us a safe place to go three nights a week.

I was never allowed to vote my own mind, not allowed to listen to music of my choice, or watch movies of my choice. They might have "given me ideas." I wasn’t allowed to have phone calls when he was home; not allowed to have friends or family over if he was home. While he had all these great things he never shared with the girls and me. He paid the mortgage; I paid for everything else related to the house and the girls. We rarely had money for extras while he had all kinds of toys-after all, he worked hard to earn it, and we didn’t.

When he moved out, he lived with the woman he was having an affair with at the time. When the affair ended, I forgave him and we moved on.

When we moved to a new city I thought "Oh a fresh start, everything will finally be okay." I discovered after we got here that the move was based on lies. His new assignment was to the country where another woman was. He is still seeing her to this day. He was spending three weeks there and one week with us. All this after the promises of moving to a new city so he would travel less and we could be a family again. The only saving grace was that the travel meant we were subjected to less violence.

That was the final straw. I was alone in a big city without family or friends. As you know, I can truly forgive anyone for most anything. However, I could not forgive my husband anymore. Between the adultery, the violence, and living in constant fear I had to do something. So, I got a job and filed for divorce.

It hasn’t been easy. The girls have suffered tremendously. It hurts me when someone says "he always was good to me" or "he never did anything to me" or "that’s all between you two." Those may all be true statements but I am your family and your loyalty should be to me not to the person who terrorized the girls and me. It really hurts.

Please forgive my selfishness in getting this off my chest. I do not want sympathy, just understanding. Perhaps forgiveness is also necessary since I have kept so much from you and perpetuated the lies for so long. Maybe I even need your forgiveness for telling you this when you did not want to hear it.

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After sending that letter, I received the following response from my sister:

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Many years ago you misunderstood something I said and have thought me a liar ever since. The only memory I have of my father is one and a half years of molestation that ended with him forcing me to have sex with him. I know you don't believe me and it kills me to watch you have a relationship with him. I'm not lying. I have several psychiatrists that will tell you I'm telling the truth. How can you and I get past this? Don't get mad at me, please. Let's finally talk about it.

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Andrew, how do I respond to her? I can't give up a relationship with dad when I really don't believe her. What do I do? How can we talk about it when I know she wants me to discontinue a relationship with him and I'm not willing to do that?

Signed, Disbeliever

Dear Disbeliever,

First of all, I am sorry to hear of all the pain you and your children have endured at the hands of your ex-husband. I'm sure it took a great deal of courage to finally break away.

I can assure you that your girls need a great deal of help, and will for some time to come. They need to learn that the dynamic they witnessed between you and your husband is not normal and is unacceptable. Their father has done a thorough job of showing them how unimportant they are. Talk with them about this. Explain why you put up with it and why there is no need for them to do the same. Do your best to convince them they are truly special and worthy of love, so they are not tempted to settle for whatever guy will show them some attention. If they don't learn that lesson, they are at great risk for accepting abusive and controlling men into their own lives.

As for your sister, you should give serious consideration to what she says, and talk with her about your father. Let me explain why.

First let's assume you are correct, that she has fabricated this story about your father. Why would she do that? Perhaps it is a plea for attention, or she may have some other unrelated grudge against him and this is her way of getting back at him. If so, then you must realize she is paying a hefty price for her subterfuge. She loses out on having a relationship with her father and must deal with a good deal of embarrassment and negative feedback from others, including you. This is a huge disincentive to tell such an untruth.

While children do occasionally tell such lies about their parents, the vast majority of people who reveal their long-held "dirty secret" are doing so because they can't hold the crippling emotional pain inside any longer. They are tired of living like a victim and need closure so they can begin the healing process.

Have you talked with your father about this? I suspect not -- your letter makes it clear that you tend to avoid initiating confrontation at all cost. You spent your entire adult life sweeping your own secrets under the carpet. Assuming you did talk to him, though, what would he say? If the allegations were false, he would deny them. If your sister is telling the truth, he would still deny what she has to say. He would express outrage and sadness that she would feel compelled to tell "such lies." In other words, his response would likely be the same regardless of the truth.

Can we point to some reasons why you would find it difficult to accept what she says? First, you have been through an incredible amount of conflict and trauma during the years of your marriage and in the difficult period following the divorce. I'm sure you feel you have endured just about all you can take for this lifetime and several more to come. You have a very real need to have supportive people around who can prop you up, make you feel accepted and loved. Your father likely fills such a role for you right now, and it would be devastating for you to have to give that up.

Secondly, you have shown almost (not quite, but almost) an infinite capacity to forgive and explain away bad behavior on your ex-husband's part. How likely is it that you would have the same tendency when faced with evidence of bad behavior by your father? I suspect the likelihood is high.

Clearly I have no way of knowing the truth of this situation. Based on the factors I mentioned, though, I believe the chances are very high that your sister is telling the truth.

Let's put the shoe on the other foot for a moment. In your letter you say how much it hurts when your family expresses any kind of support for your ex-husband, and that was before you told them your story. What if, after you informed them about the abuse, they now chose to invite him into their homes and have a direct, loving relationship with him? How hard would that be on you? Well, that is what is happening with you, your sister and your father. She has told you about the abuse she suffered, and in spite of that must watch you have a direct, loving relationship with him. If you let yourself assume for a moment that she is telling the truth, can you imagine how painful that is for her? Yet despite that pain she is reaching out to you in a loving manner.

Even if you can't get past the idea that she is lying, what level of pain would prompt her to maintain that kind of story for this many years? She would have to be hurting tremendously to do that, and she would really need some help from her sister.

Either way, I urge you to open your mind, your heart, and your arms and go talk with your sister. Each of you needs support from the other, big time.

All the best,
Andrew

Is there a relationship issue you have been afraid to talk about? Send me an email and I'll do my best to help. The identity of email respondents always remains confidential.

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Dismaying Story #86: The Designated Driver

Dear Andrew,

I am the oldest child in a large family that has seen a lot of instability and destruction in the past decade. My mother suffers from debilitating alcoholism and my father from equally destructive addictions. However, I have a healthy lifestyle, happy marriage, a college degree and a successful career — and I wish the same for my younger siblings.

One of my little sisters in particular has impressed me. She beat several odds (including placing a baby for adoption at the age of sixteen) to go from high school to college as seamlessly as possible. However, I recently learned that my sister is dating a total jerk, eight years her senior, with whom she is sexually active (despite her reform to premarital abstinence). She's flunking out of her first semester of college courses, and worst of all, drinking. She gave up her baby to avoid our mother's outcome, but she seems to be heading that way anyway. Perhaps that sounds extreme, but I believe that in our family, the difference between stability and alcoholism is little more than that first drink.

I've made a bad habit of wanting to "save" my mom and my siblings in the past, acting like a parental figure — taking them under my wing, moving in with them to help out at home, even having my sister come live with me this past summer to prepare her for college. When I see my sister compromising her values (again!) for some guy she says she doesn't even like, throwing away her hard-earned chances at an education, and experimenting with a substance she's genetically predisposed to become addicted to, my first instinct is to take over her decisions for her. I want to become the Designated Driver for her life.

I can't decide where to draw the line between helping her and watching her learn the hard way. I feel that "doing it for her" robs her of the refining fire experiences and the valuable learning curve that molded me into the person I am. I know my sister will listen to me if I talk to her. With this sort of influence, however, it's important to me that I have the right approach.

I suspect that her lack of motivation and self-respect may be a sign of depression. She is genetically prone to that as well, although I've never really noticed it in her before.

What should I do?

Signed, Designated Driver

Dear Designated Driver,

You are right to be concerned about your sister, and there is nothing bad about wanting to help her. Taking over the reins of her life may not be the only answer, though.

We all learn by observing the world around us, and it sounds like your sister witnessed many years of your parents displaying severely compromised life skills. In such circumstances it may not be surprising (though it is sad) when a young person starts making bad decisions of their own.

Like it or not, statistics tell us that it is common for college-age people to experiment with drinking and sex. For some this amounts to a natural transition into adulthood, while for others this type of behavior can lead to drastic consequences. Three signs of trouble concern me In your sister's case. The first is the pregnancy, which can happen to anyone when sex begins, but is nonetheless a sign that she was not able to successfully navigate through that particular patch of potential trouble. Then there is the older boyfriend. While age gap relationships can be made to work, they are uncommon and fraught with issues, so this also serves as a red flag. One of the issues, as you mentioned, is that sex for an older guy may be normal, whereas it may be more emotional baggage than your sister can handle right now.

The third issue for me is the fact that she is failing her college courses. As a university professor I have worked with thousands of college freshmen. In all those cases I have yet to see a student fail because of lack of ability. If they have the high school marks to be admitted, then they have the brain power to succeed. The issues are always around lifestyle and work habits. If your sister were applying herself to her studies, then she would be passing, it's as simple as that. She has lost sight of what is important right now (her studies) and has instead fallen into a destructive pattern of focusing on other things, which likely means partying with her boyfriend and other friends.

I have friends who are alcoholics, so I acknowledge there are many people for whom one drink is too many. That may indeed be the case with your sister, I don't know. What I do know is that I hear "drinking" and "failing courses" together. She has proven she can't handle both at the same time.

So what can you do about all this?

Should you treat her like an independent adult? Let her sink or swim on her own? Allow life to teach her some harsh lessons? I don't think so. First-year college students like to think of themselves as all grown up, but after working with them for over twenty years I can tell you they are usually not done maturing. She is too young for you to abandon her to the wolves.

Should you try to yank her out of college and protect her by sheltering her in your home for a while? That seems to be an over-reaction. She has to continue to strive, to live her life.

Happily, those are only the two extreme approaches. What about the other 99 percent of the options open to you? Since you say she will listen to you, I would sit her down and have a heart-to-heart chat with her. Start by convincing her that you are correct to be concerned. See if you can get her to agree that not all is well in her universe. Bring up the issues you mentioned in your letter, and try to be supportive rather than accusatory when you do so. Rather than acting exasperated and demanding to know "Why are you going back on your intentions?", ask her gently what she hoped to accomplish at college. Persist at this, even if she claims not to have any goals. Ask what any college student should be trying to achieve, such as building a foundation for her future. Then ask her whether she believes she is doing so.

You must stay with this step until you get her to buy into the idea that she has problems. You may or may not get agreement on all the issues (coursework, older boyfriend, sex, and drinking) so you will have to use some judgment as to when you think you have made enough progress to move on. You can talk again another time; it doesn’t all have to get done in one sitting.

Once she acknowledges there are issues, then you can move on to discuss potential solutions. Teenagers usually hate being told what to do, so I suggest you use the approach of asking for her ideas first. The answers may seem obvious to you (e.g. break up with the boyfriend) but are likely to be far less so to her. After all, she has made her current decisions for reasons that make sense to her. If the boyfriend is less than an ideal match, it is highly likely she believes she can't do any better. "No one else would want a loser like me, someone who has already had a baby and has parents like mine and can't even pass a few college courses." I would bet money that she has thoughts like these, so the prospect of dumping him will seem stressful. The thought of being alone may seem worse than the status quo. You need to recognize the underlying factors and patiently help her to see the truth, that she is worthy and doesn't have to settle in life.

Talk to her. Be her coach. Help her work through the issues behind her poor decision-making, and then cheer her on as she starts to take halting steps in healthier directions. That way you haven't abandoned her to life's cruel lessons, nor have you stolen her opportunity to experience and grow.

If none of that has any effect, and if her life continues to spiral downward, then the time may come when a more intrusive intervention makes sense. It doesn't sound, though, like you are at that point yet.

I wish both you and your sister good luck.

All the best,
Andrew

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Negative Self Talk and a New Question of the Week (#16)

What an amazing response I received to last week's question about negative self talk. There were several great insights into how our inner voices tend to affect us, and quite a number of people opened up and admitted this is an area where they struggle.

Here is what Mark had to say:

The voice that runs 24/7 in your head is very powerful. I once read a quote that went something like this - "If you were sitting across the table having lunch with the voice in your head, how long would you put up with what that voice was saying?" For most the answer is, not very long.

That's true. The challenge is that we can physically stand up and walk away from a table, but that won't make the inner voice go away, or even diminish its influence.

Walker wrote about a life strategy he has seen people employ:

It’s easier to fail than succeed, so accepting failure beforehand reinforces what you believed from the start. If you know you are going to fail, why try?

Consider a man who dates only married women. This guy's inner voice has convinced him he is certain to fail in any relationship, so what does he do? He gets involved only in relationships that are sure to fail because of other factors. When he and one of the married women call it quits, he doesn't have to face the notion that it was because of some failing on his part. He can tell himself, "It was never going to work anyway." The tragic consequence is that he denies himself any chance of finding a happy relationship.

Many of us do the same thing in various ways. Perhaps you are convinced that others judge you because you are a woman, or a visible minority, or too fat, or too skinny, or have too many pimples, or don't have enough money, or ... pick your poison. So you enter social situations with a chip on your shoulder, expecting to be treated badly. Others are likely to sense your hostility and react negatively, at which point you say to yourself, "See? I knew they would judge me."

Once we give in to feelings of poor self-worth, they typically cause a variety of other problems. Melli wrote about just such a situation:

Self doubt was a huge issue for me when I was young - especially in my teen years. Since I didn't have anyone at home telling me I was wonderful, it really was huge! Once I moved out and was on my own though -- away from non-supportive family - and out of high school away from the "catty" girls who feast on those with no self-value -- I started realizing that I was pretty enough - and plenty of fun! But it probably took me until I was about 25/26 to finally "get" it -- to accept that I'm okay just the way I am and (and I think most important) that it was okay for some people not to like me.

However I do still occasionally walk into a room full of people I know and think "None of them want to talk to me." On very rare occasions it can still get me bad enough that I'll do the wall flower thing. When this happens, nobody thinks I'm feeling shy or uncomfortable -- they automatically think I'm being "standoffish." I'm generally outgoing and happy, so when a "moment" hits me, no one suspects I might be feeling insecure!

The next time you encounter someone who acts aloof or even aggressive, ask yourself if they might be doing so because they feel threatened. It happens more frequently than you might think.

Here is another example of someone who listens to their negative inner voice, from Shan this time:

I know I do this constantly. It makes me want to disappear, it's a lot of self-hate, because I believe I can be better, and I don't have any excuses. I'm always a big disappointment to myself and then I try to avoid interaction with others so they don't see what I see.

This is a young man who limits his social interaction because he doesn't know how else to deal with that voice. I have to wonder how much of this disappointment is because (a) something in his past has caused him to set unbelievably high expectations for himself, and (b) his poor image of himself has become a self-fulfilling prophecy. In other words, similar to the stories above, I bet he "fails" because his fear and self-loathing make him act in ways that actively prevent him from accomplishing the things he most wants in life. He wants friends and successful relationships, yet he withdraws and acts fearful.

Another reader (this one anonymous) tells virtually the same story:

This is my biggest problem, by a long shot. I'm wasting my time/money with school; it's not really going to get me anywhere. I can't believe I'm 30 and still living at home. I don't have any friends. I don't want to annoy the ones I do have by relying on them too much. I haven't had a date in over a year. I haven't had a boyfriend in--count 'em--six years. I'll never get married or have kids. I can't believe how ugly I am. I can feel myself getting fatter, frumpier, and more bitter all the time. Blah blah blah. Worst of all, when I try to do something about it, I feel like a fraud, or I get discouraged that it seems like I have to move mountains to maintain a minimally acceptable standard. How do you find the energy to stop this?

Again, here is a person who chooses, out of fear, to limit interaction with friends, then is sad because she doesn't get to interact with friends. She firmly believes she won't get married, and perhaps doesn't understand that such a belief is one of the biggest impediments to making that happen.

That darned inner voice causes trouble for so many people -- persistent, life-altering trouble. Nancy Ruth provides a final example:

Negative self talk is my bugaboo. To send out a manuscript or submit an article takes such a terrible amount of energy. I haven't found any way to overcome this.

Yes, It IS Possible to Overcome Negative Self Talk

I am privileged to work with Thomas K. Matthews, a professional coach whose expertise is in helping people eliminate negative self-talk from their lives. He has worked with hundreds of clients who have spent many years dealing with problems just like the ones described above. He is able to help people uncover the influences in their lives that have resulted in their feelings of self doubt, discover the positive effects of these influences, and discard the negative. Clients report that the results are often extraordinary.

I have had the opportunity to review his book manuscript entitled WHEN YOU'RE NAKED, ALONE, IN THE DARK, which details his approach for identifying and overcoming the factors that lead to self doubt and negative self talk. I, for one, can't wait until this book is published so I can start recommending it to people who write in with this sort of issue.

One of the key insights that underlies this approach is that we don't have a single inner voice. Instead we have a committee that develops over our lifetimes. Our pasts include several episodes and periods of time that contribute to the development of self doubt. Identifying these chronological events is a critical first step toward removing their hold over our lives.

As today's Question of the Week, then, here are a couple of questions to start you down that path:

1. At what age do you recognize that your self doubt first surfaced? What happened?

2. In elementary school, did you experience people or circumstances that perpetuated negative or doubtful self talk habits? Were you scolded or demeaned by peers or authority figures?

By answering these types of questions objectively and honestly about various periods of time in your past, you can begin to recognize and face the members of your committee. Many people find this process both challenging and liberating.

Your comments are welcome. Since this can be an intensely personal process, I will also understand if some of you choose to do your introspection in private.

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