Dear Andrew,
Lately, a woman in my husband's office has seemed to take a romantic interest in him. I believe he's loyal to me, but it bothers me that she thinks she has a chance, and is not leaving him alone. She knows he's married, so her initial email to him was "So, do you have any younger brothers available?"
It's hard for me to believe my husband doesn't know that's one of the most cliché pick-up lines in the book—cleverly designed to gauge a crush's commitment to his/her current relationship, while simultaneously implying that you're into that person. "I know you're taken, so I'll let you know I'm interested in you by telling you I'm looking for romance, and I'd be interested in someone a lot like you since I guess I can't have the real you....or can I?"
Let's rewind a bit. He met one woman, we'll call her Betty, while we were dating. Betty called him at all hours of the night just to talk and would sound a little put out that he was with me (I could hear her on the line). She invited him on outings that he emphatically insisted were not dates, and showed up to his house with videos in hand at 11 p.m. on Friday nights when she thought I wasn't there. These kinds of things happened all the time with her. I grumbled about it, but didn't want to be the "insecure" jealous type and I wanted to prove that I trusted him, so I kept my cool and played nice with her.
I thought it would cease with our marriage, but she still calls and emails him (though less now than before). His tone of voice on the phone reveals how special she is to him. When I get upset about it, he sighs to demonstrate how tiring my insecurities are, makes me out to be a jealous, petty nag, defends her, a fight ensues, and he enters a defiantly defensive gridlock and essentially refuses to cut ties.
I feel that Betty wouldn't persist in such a way if she felt that it was hopeless, that she didn't have a chance. After a few years of her blatant disrespect for relationship boundaries and his unwillingness to honor my role as his wife, I started to lose trust in him. So without his knowledge, I got in the habit of monitoring his email for any sign that he was giving her reasons to persist. This snooping, however, feels like a dirty, compulsive weakness. Part of me is looking for damning guilt, but part of me hopes that I will find something that redeems him.
I learned of the more recent office admirer (let's call her Wilma) while observing this email correspondence. It makes me think he's developed a habit of passively encouraging this behavior because it's flattering, which I can understand, but this encouragement allows her to undermine me and mock our marriage. The fact that she is so brazen indicates that she is a mate poacher, something I've been hearing a lot about lately. I learned that poachers target people in serious relationships because of the thrill and power of seducing an unavailable person, taking competitive behavior to a new level. When a man flirts with me knowing that I'm married, I'm a little offended. He is discrediting the significance of my marriage and disrespecting not only my boundaries, but also my husband.
Just like with Betty, my husband defends Wilma. He defends this situation and insists it's a cordial, professional relationship. I don't buy it. In my opinion, there is really no such thing as harmless flirting with someone else's spouse and it concerns me when people brush it off as innocent. In fact, I think the likelihood of adultery is intensified when people militantly dismiss it as "innocent"; it's as if they like their guards to be down, and are desperate and determined to remain that way, as vulnerable to temptation as possible.
Because of her brazen arrogance, and her apparent confidence that she could poach my husband any time she wanted, I am incensed. It's not enough for me to know she's wrong. I need HER to know it. Maybe I am too insecure, and this is definitely petty. But I feel like a chump and I'm angry that he's not sticking up for me—or for his own marriage.
I have been giving him extra praise to ensure he isn't craving it enough to seek it from anyone else, but I feel like nothing I say as his wife is as exciting as the things that come from the fun, fresh, coworker who doesn't HAVE to say those things. I know that I'm superior to her in pretty much every way (personality, success, looks, class, talent, and the fact that I'm not a tacky menace) and that I shouldn't be threatened. I guess it just enrages me to watch her try.
Imagine that you lived next to a pedophile and you had small children. You have taught them all about strangers and grown-ups that could hurt them even when the ones who seem nice. You've even specifically warned your kids to stay away from the pervert next door, and you know they would not get into his house or car if he asked them to. But when they walk to their bus stop, you can see the pedophile staring at them and trying to figure out ways to entice them. Wouldn't that disturb you?
My husband is obviously more discerning and less vulnerable than a small child, but I am just as upset knowing there is a woman who has her eyes on him, plotting to take him. It's also upsetting that he refuses to see her as predatory (yes, it's a strong word…but the shoe fits) and thus lives with his guard down.
I have concluded that no matter what I do, he can't be convinced and she can't be stopped. The only way to get through my issues will be to do it on my own and make peace with it. It seems impossible to do. I understand that jealousy in small doses is not harmful and in fact can add a little flavor to the relationship…but this is different than that. I put up with this type of drama in my dating years. But I'm married now and I should not have to deal with these kinds of things anymore. I hate that I'm competing for my own husband. I hate that he's allowing it. I REALLY hate that he defends her and I hate that I can't do anything about it. It's making me into an angry, bitter, untrusting person.
From an outside perspective, do you believe I should be concerned? Do you believe these situations lead to adultery? How can I stop this pattern? How can I just shrug it off like some women? I would love your insight.
Signed, Protecting What's Mine
Dear Protecting What's Mine,
I understand your anger toward the women you consider to be potential mate poachers; I would also resent someone I thought was making a serious play for my spouse. To me, though, the main issue does not depend on whether you are right or wrong about the intentions of those women. My concern is the way your husband has handled the situation.
His first interest should be in safeguarding and nurturing the relationship he has with you. He is not doing that. He knows the things that bother you, yet he continues to do them. This shows a blatant disregard for your feelings. He is not attaching the degree of importance that he should to looking after you and the relationship between the two of you.
Results matter. If the result of some behavior is damage to your marriage, then that should be enough for him to stop that behavior, or at least work with you to make sure you are not being hurt by that behavior. He is doing neither.
He has learned that you will put up with him crossing the line. If you need to own a piece of this problem, this is it -- by not wanting to appear jealous or petty, you have taught him that you will put up with it.
He can't control what other women do, but he can control his responses to those other women. His response to them should be: "This makes my wife uncomfortable so you have to stop doing this." The fact that he won't do so is a major danger signal in terms of how close the bond is between the two of you.
You should make this point with him and insist that he put your needs before those of one of his friends, regardless of whether the friend is male or female.
You are not being overly sensitive or jealous. He is being insensitive, uncaring and flirtatious because he likes this attention from other women -- another danger sign. Allowing another woman to drop by to watch a movie alone with him at 11 pm on a Friday night is WAYYYY over the line... and he knows it. Everybody knows that, which means he is getting a payoff from it, enough that he is willing to battle with you to retain it.
An ongoing email correspondence with another woman where he discusses personal matters about you and his marriage -- to me that is one form of emotional affair.
It is also a bad sign that he is willing to let someone else demean you and your marriage without defending you. A husband who holds his wife and marriage in high regard would never allow that or condone it with silence. I would shut anybody down in a heartbeat if they said something nasty about my wife, and that includes my parents, boss, children, co-workers ... you name it. I would simply never allow anyone to do it. You are right to be upset about this. Furious and hurt would be the appropriate response from you.
Yes I would consider all of these to be danger signs in terms of adultery. If I were you I would check out my post from November 10 entitled Catching a Cheating Spouse. I note that this article mentions monitoring of email and phone records as possible ways to find out if your spouse is being unfaithful.
Your path to freedom is not just to accept this behavior from your husband. Instead you should make the arguments I have made in this email and insist that he stop. If he persists in ignoring your complaints ... well, you have to decide how far you are willing to go to back up your request that he treat your with dignity and respect.
If you think he might already be cheating, you may wish to wait to confront him until you have read the article I mentioned and followed the advice given there.
These are strong words and I don't mean to add to your hurt and torment. As I see it, though, you will never be happy until the situation changes somehow. You can make it change. Stand up for yourself, say what you mean ... and mean what you say.
All the best,
Andrew
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Dear Andrew,
My man and I have not seen each other for two years. Since we are from different countries and the marriage process takes a huge amount of paperwork and time, we have not yet been able to be together. We have tolerated many sad times during these two years but we hung on. My man built us a very nice and beautiful house, changed his job and is doing a tremendous amount of work all by himself. If things had gone well, we could have been together in almost two months.
I said this so you know that he loves me and is trying everything he can to get me.
We met two years ago in my country and spent a total time of 15 days together. The sexual attraction was huge but we did have a lot of silly fights during that little time. The fights mostly started because I was too insecure and I could not trust him 100%. Even though I hurt him badly with my words and actions, he still wanted me and has done so many sacrifices for me. I have tried to be an ideal partner for him. I have changed many of my bad traits, such as not giving him the silent treatment. I have been 100% loyal to him and have tried to be what he wants me to be.
The problem is that we have not had any physical contact with each other for two years straight, and that has had a very bad effect on our relationship. Our emails (we stopped talking on the phone a year ago) are only filled with sad words about how depressed and tired we both are. We accuse each other of not caring enough or not loving the other one enough.
He wants me to be an active person who works out and takes care of herself. I have failed many times but I have succeeded many times too.
I stopped working a year an half ago. I was a teacher and I liked my job. It provided enough money for me to feel as independent as I could. (I live with my parents.) I gave up working because he did not want me to work in the same place that my ex did. I did not continue my university classes and dropped out. I have no self-confidence anymore. Each time I suggest working again, he thinks I am thinking of long-term plans for myself to stay in my country, and that makes him insecure. He told me that if I need money, he would send some. I can never accept it. I would rather drown than call for help. I need to be independent, have my own money, have my own job. I wanted to go back to university again, but again, he said no. I should wait until I go to him, then I could study whatever I like.
I am 26 years old and I feel so old. I do not go out of the house, because I do not want to get into trouble. I do not hang out with my friends. I lock myself up in my apartment and only go to my parents' apartment at nights to watch TV with them. I stopped my social life so that I won’t give my man any reason to be suspicious, so that he could relax that I don't cheat on him.
The problem is that we have not had any physical contact with each other for two years straight, and that has had a very bad effect on our relationship. Our emails (we stopped talking on the phone a year ago) are only filled with sad words about how depressed and tired we both are. We accuse each other of not caring enough or not loving the other one enough.
Last week, my man went on a business trip and he could not contact me for three days. I cried every single night, thinking that he had committed suicide or had an accident. I was going insane with worry. I wrote him many emails during those three days telling how worried I was, that life is meaningless without him, telling him about my days and how depressed I was and telling him that I loved him. He contacted me after three days and told me that he had no way of contacting me, because his cell phone did not work in that area and neither did his mobile Internet. I just sent him an email telling him that I was so glad that he is back and that I loved him.
In reply he sent me an email telling me that for once he was content, because his trip had gone so well for him, but when he read my emails, they were like a cold shower for him. He said that I do not appreciate him enough and he wonders if what he is going through is futile. He says, "Why can’t you be stronger? Why can’t you appreciate me more?"
What have I done wrong? He knows I go insane with worry each time he doesn't send me an email. Did I not have the right to worry? And I never said anything mean in my emails, only my concern for his health and well being.
I had a bad breakdown after reading his email. I replied and told him I won’t put up with his abuse anymore. He had no right to call me weak and tell me that I don't appreciate him. I set us some new rules, telling him that he should send me the schedule of his week, he should treat me the same way I treat him. I told him I will start working again, despite the fact he has told me not to, told him that I won’t let my world go around him anymore. He does not give me the care and attention I need. I told him that I won’t let him affect me in my decision making, because he doesn't care for me and my sanity.
It wasn't a nice email.
He read the email and broke up with me. He said, "You went too far. Leave me alone, we are through."
In reply I said, "As you wish," and I have not contacted him, neither has he.
Two days have passed since then.
I love him. He is the only man I want to be with. He has proven himself to be a man for life over and over again. He loved me even when I hurt him, and I want him back. The trouble is, I have always initiated the apologizing and wanting to get back together. I know deep in his heart he wants us to make up too, but he is too proud to send me an email first. I do not want him to see me as needy. I want him to come to me first. That seems impossible.
What went wrong? What should I do to get him back? Do I have to change more? If yes, what should I change? Is there anything seriously wrong with us? Why can’t I be more appreciative and give him the respect he wants me to give him? Why can’t I control my temper?
Signed, Seriously Damaged
Dear Seriously Damaged,
Assume for the moment you could patch it up with him. Here are a few things to consider.
Let me get this straight. He won't "let you" work, take classes, or admit to having a bad day, which means that he cares only for his own needs, not yours. He gets suspicious if you have a normal social life with your friends. He tells you how you should interact with your own parents. He criticizes you, calling you unappreciative, weak, too insecure (even though he is also clearly insecure), and saying you have "many bad traits." He wants you to work out so you will be physically appealing for him. He has all the money in the relationship, but you are apparently not important enough for him to spend some of it to come visit you, or call you on the phone. He can't even bring himself to prop you up by offering a few supportive and loving words once in a while. The end result is that you are depressed, lonely, and completely unfulfilled in your lifestyle.
What exactly are you getting out of this relationship?
As far as I can tell, the only thing you are getting is hope. Your continued involvement with him (limited as it may be) provides you with the promise that you won't have to spend your life alone.
But here's what I can't get past. When you finally get your reward, when you reach that magical day you've been waiting for and the two of you can be together ... you'll be getting together with a guy who by your own account treats you horribly.
You say the attraction was intense when you first met. Well of course it was! It's always that way in the beginning. You two were only together during the infatuated excitement phase of a brand new relationship. Lust runs high, everything is fresh and new, and of course it all looks good. Yet even during that time you say all was not well, that the two of you had "a lot of silly fights" during the only time you were together.
Okay, he built a house. He works hard at his job. He has stayed in contact for two years. Those are good things but there is much, much more to being a supportive partner than that. I'd give him a failing grade in several other departments, such as caring as much about you as he does about himself, and being attentive to your needs.
Even if the two of you had not broken up, I would urge you to think long and hard before committing to a lifetime of that kind of treatment.
And don't think he will act differently once you are together, once the stress is gone, once you are married, once the moon is aligned with Venus. Far too many people have entered marriage thinking their partners will improve in some way. Experience has shown this rarely happens. Generally, what you see before the marriage is what you can expect to get for the rest of your days.
Do you want a husband who will dictate to you when you are "allowed" to have a job or take a course? Do you really want that little say in your life? Maybe so -- some cultures treat these sorts of issues differently than others, and I don't want to make assumptions. Even if that is okay for you, though, I'd think you'd want a partner who cares deeply about your needs and wants. Have you seen that from your boyfriend?
I have to ask myself why you have stayed in the relationship this long. I can only assume you are somewhat desperate to have someone in your life, so you are willing to take whatever promise this relationship holds. That makes me nervous for you. Desperation is a dangerous emotion when it comes to making relationship decisions. Desperate people will often stay in relationships from which more self-confident people would walk away.
Are you afraid you could not find another relationship? Do you have an idealized memory of those magical fifteen days of infatuation? Do you assume that the two of you will return to that state of excited lust when you see each other again? Perhaps these are some tough questions you should ask yourself.
If you think through all that and decide you really want to make up, this is what I suggest. Tell him the truth. Open up and tell him how you are feeling and that you want to be with him. True honest expression of love and desire to be together is the way to break down barriers of anger and silence. Don't try to explain how he hurt you, just acknowledge whatever part you played and tell him you don't want to lose him.
If you end up back together, I suggest you give some serious thought to how you can find your identity in this relationship. You need to have a life of your own, even if it means he has to work through some of his own insecurities.
You've been living in a difficult situation for two years. I wish you the best of luck in trying to create a better one.
With warm regards,
Andrew
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Dear Andrew,
How often do you hear of couples living in separate bedrooms? I do hear stories of older couples with separate beds, but usually in the same room and it's usually for health reasons, isn't it?
Well, we are a young couple (barely 30) doing just that. We each have our own bedroom and we both love it. We have been married eight years this September and our separate rooms didn't start intentionally. My husband has always snored and HAS to have the TV on to sleep. I have never been able to sleep through that, but had somewhat adjusted to it.
We planned our second child to be born around the time my mom was moving out of our house so he could have his own room. Well, she never moved out and he stayed in our room. This child wouldn't sleep and kept us both up. So after several months, my husband mentioned sleeping on the couch to see if the TV bothered our son. It worked! Our son slept longer that night than he had in a long time. So, my husband stayed on the couch. When my mom moved out he moved into her room and has been there ever since.
I now get sleep like I haven't had in many years. No more arguing about the TV volume or channel, no listening to him snore (it's gotten worse) and I don't have to share the bed. Why would I give that up?
The few friends that we have told about this situation cannot believe we live like this. Is it really that unusual? Would it jeopardize our marriage as some people say? What about when my boys are old enough to understand? How do I explain it to them?
Otherwise, we strive to have a happy, as close to normal as possible relationship.
Signed, Rested and Happy
Dear Rested,
I know people who would find it extremely difficult to feel close if they slept separately, and I suspect some of the readers' comments in reaction to this post will reflect the same emotional need to be together. Some couples like this will put up with a considerable degree of sleep disturbance to achieve the closeness and will consider that to be a worthwhile tradeoff. (And, of course, many couples are able to sleep together without keeping each other awake.)
Sleep disturbance, however, can be a source of tension between spouses. Snoring, fidgeting or kicking while asleep, frequent bathroom visits, sleeping with the TV on -- any of these can contribute to sleep deprivation for the affected spouse. Tired, cranky people do not always get along with each other as well as they might when rested and refreshed.
Snoring is perhaps the most commonly reported disturbance. A University of North Carolina study shows that approximately 30 percent of women and 40 percent of men are habitual snorers. This can leave the partners tossing in frustration much of the night. We all know how horrible it feels to be exhausted, especially if you live that way on an ongoing basis. People whose spouses prevent them from sleeping often dread going to bed and may even build up resentment toward their partners. The snorer may also be embarrassed, much as they would if they had a problem like bad breath that led to difficulties with their partner.
Given that there may be practical reasons for sleeping apart, does this necessarily lead to a lessening of intimacy and closeness? According to Canadian author and sex columnist Josey Vogels, the answer is a resounding "no." She points out that while sleeping in separate bedrooms has the potential to strain a relationship, couples can more than make up for it by paying attention to each other while awake.
We all know that "sleeping together" involves more than just sleeping. We read together, talk, make love and cuddle, all of which can help to build closeness. None of these, however, happen while we are asleep. Vogels maintains that the time spent asleep is the least important in terms of your relationship. She speaks from first-hand experience, too, since she often retreats to the spare bedroom because of her husband's snoring. She recommends spending some time together in bed together before separating for sleep, and suggests that surprise visits can add to the spice.
You are right to think of your children's views. Show plenty of affection for each other when they are around. Show them and tell them how much you love each other and explain that the sleeping arrangements are simply so you can get a good night's rest. They will take their emotional cues from you. Reassure them in a happy way that all is well and they should have no problem accepting this as a normal part of your life.
The results are what matter the most. If you and your husband are getting along well and the intimate side of your relationship is in good shape, then don't fix what isn't broken.
All the best,
Andrew
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Dear Andrew,
I am nineteen years old and I’ve been dating my 21-year-old boyfriend for about a year. We get along great but the only problem is my parents don’t like him. That bothers me because I think it should be up to me who I date. He’s fun to be with and says such nice things. My parents want me to find someone who goes to college like I do, or at least has a job. But it’s not like he doesn’t want to work. He had a part-time job at a store but that ended last summer and he hasn’t been able to find anything even though he is looking. This is the first time I’ve had this problem with my parents and I don’t know how to handle it. We’ve never really fought much before and I don’t like it. My boyfriend is cool about it, though. He just laughs when we talk about it and says not to worry about it, but it still bothers me. Any advice?
Signed, Unhappy
Dear Unhappy,
I can understand why you feel torn. It sounds like you have enjoyed a good relationship with your parents, and now you find yourself at odds over one of the biggest issues in your life – your choice of your current significant other.
You are correct about one thing. In my opinion, it is completely up to you who you date and with whom you eventually settle down, if that is in your future. You are a young adult, it is your life, and you are the one who will be the most affected by your choices.
But ... yes, I have several very large ‘buts’ for you to consider.
I worry that one of the factors here may be what I call The Saturday Night Syndrome. A typical existence for a teenager in college revolves around classes, assignments, and a social life, with maybe a part-time job or some extra-curricular activities like sports thrown in to round out the mix. Your boyfriend doesn’t attend your classes, nor does he share your job or play on your volleyball team. He intersects your world when it comes to hanging out during your leisure time and when you go out on Saturday night. That is the arena where he must shine in order for you to feel good about the experiences you share with him.
You see, couples tend to feel better about each other when they share positive experiences. (Which is why the occasional date night or vacation trip can be so important later in life, when day jobs and mortgages tend to take over.) Based on your letter, I would say your boyfriend is good at helping you enjoy yourself when you’re at the movies or at a party. It sounds like he has some skills when it comes to knowing what to say to you in a social context. And those are all good things. I would also guess you are attracted to him for other reasons, such as his physical attractiveness or whatever else you are responding to in him. Again, there’s nothing wrong with any of that.
The problem is this is not a complete test of how well he may be able to contribute to your long-term happiness. Some young people measure compatibility based on how well things are going right now, when perhaps a some thought about the potential future might shed a different light on things.
I realize not all dating relationships are headed for a long-term commitment. People date for fun, have transition boyfriends – I get it. But you are at an age where relationships often start to get serious. You’ve been with this guy for a year and your letter gives no indication things are likely to slow down or end soon. In my books this is either already a serious relationship or has the potential to become one. I guarantee your parents recognize the same thing.
I haven’t met you or your boyfriend, so I can’t possibly offer an opinion about him as a person or as a potential partner for you. However there are a few things you mentioned in your letter that I recommend you should think about.
Let’s talk about a few life skills you should look for. The first is earning potential. That may sound callous and out of step with a discussion about love and how he makes you feel, but it is a hard fact that we all need to earn a living. That is especially true for someone who might marry a young lady and become a father. Now I can’t pass judgment on anyone who might be struggling to earn an income in today’s economy. Times are tough and jobs are scarce. Not everyone needs to go to college to succeed. The question for me, though, is this: What is your boyfriend doing to improve his situation? Is he working long and hard to scour the hills looking for opportunities? Is he treating his current downtime as an opportunity to improve his skills, learn a trade, or start a small business out of his garage? Has he volunteered to work somewhere for free in the short term so he can create contacts or learn something marketable? Or has he merely submitted a handful of resumes and asked a few friends if they know about any jobs? Everyone can occasionally be faced with challenges, but it is how we respond to them that shows whether we are a go-getter who is likely to succeed no matter what, or someone whose fortunes depend on luck and the good graces of others. I hope my daughter would have her eye out for one of the go-getters.
A second life skill in any relationship between young people is trying to get along with the potential in-laws. Like it or not, every boyfriend has a sales job to do, selling himself to your parents. That can involve communication, compromise, the ability to recognize issues and deal with them, and underlying it all, the desire to create goodwill and harmony. How much effort has your boyfriend put into any of that? I recognize his relationship with your parents is a two-way street and they own half the relationship. He has to do his part, though. If, as you say, he merely laughs off their concerns without taking positive steps to try to mend fences, then that should make you pause and think. Is this how he is likely to approach other important relationships in the future, such as with employers, co-workers, or your friends?
Going along with that, has he shown any concern for how this conflict is affecting you?
You asked about your parents, and all I’ve talked about so far is you and your boyfriend. The reason is I want to give you a perspective that many parents are likely to have on your situation. It seems there are plenty of factors involved that would give your parents reasonable grounds for being concerned, especially since they are likely to be the two people on this planet who are most interested in you ending up with a fulfilling and happy life.
One more thing you said gives me pause. This is not a recurring pattern for you and your parents. I assume you have dated before, which means they didn’t object to your previous boyfriends, just this one. I also have to assume your parents know something about life. They were once your age, dating and watching their friends succeed and fail at numerous relationships. Whether you want to admit it or not, they have some perspective on these sorts of things that you don’t have. So just the fact that they are concerned should make you stop and wonder whether they might have a point.
Please forgive me if any of my assumptions are off base. You might have already thought through many of the points I mentioned. And like I said at the outset, your choice of dating partner should be completely up to you. However, I suggest your parents’ concern should set off major alarm bells and get you thinking about some of the issues I mentioned above. I wish you the best of luck in working through that and, hopefully, arriving at a happy place for everyone concerned.
All the best,
Andrew
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Dear Andrew,
I am happily married – will be 9 years in October. No problems at all with my husband as he is a very good man and devoted husband and friend. Had forgotten old boyfriends, lovers, etc. everything many years ago when I met my husband and have been very happy.
My problem is an old lover that I saw a year ago this past April. I met him in 1993 and we did not really date – had a brief thing. Neither of us were married at the time but he ended up pushing me away. I never understood why and I contacted him on and off for almost 3 years. I loved him totally and never understood why he did not want me. Over the years, I dreamed of him on occasion and I thought of him whenever I went back to Myrtle Beach where we met. But nothing painful. No problems or regrets. I loved him still but it did not hurt and I did not have a desire to contact him. I knew that for whatever reason, he had some issues and I always believed he cared as I had pushed him one time and got a strong reaction and he admitted he cared for me. When I met him and afterwards, I believed that we were supposed to be together. I believed for the longest time that I would be with him and marry him. Even after none of that happened, I knew deep down that one day I would see him again. I can’t explain it, I just knew that I would.
I saw him at a professional conference. He stood in front of me on purpose so that I would see him. I know this because the last time I saw him he did the same thing and then denied having seen me. When I saw him last, his friend was looking at me really oddly at the same place where we met. I couldn’t figure out why this guy was looking at me so funny and then I saw “him”. I know his friend was waiting for my reaction and I had a big one. I did not talk to him that day last April when I saw him again as I was sure he did it on purpose. It was at a conference in one of those large ballrooms with 400 – 500 people and during a break I was talking to a former co-worker at the end of a table deep in conversation. Someone was standing in front of me and talking, but I thought nothing of it until he introduced himself and I looked up and there he was. Wanted to crawl under the table and die right then. I didn’t react. My friend did not even know what was going on but I told her later. Sent him an email, and called him last September and talked to him. He denied seeing me, getting my email, etc. I thought then that this was just not true.
I got a therapist (licensed family, marital, etc.) in January because I couldn’t shake it and went alone to try and sort things out as I never stopped loving him. It did not take her long to identify the reason for his behavior. After only 5 sessions/weeks she suspected he had a Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I googled it and found all kinds of information on it. Wow – it explained 85 – 90% of the behavior I experienced from him. That helped a lot. I have an extremely detailed memory and I remember everything about him and everything that happened between us – things he said and things I said. The huge missing piece of the puzzle was found and I understood why he did not want me or love me and why he was such a paradox (he seemed to care, he wanted my attention, the way he looked at me was pretty unmistakable, but he would dodge and deny and distance himself).
I guess my question is, how do I really let this person go. I thought I had. I knew I still had feelings for him, but I had managed to bury them. I never expected them to resurface. I am doing much much better with it after having seen the therapist. It helped a lot. Have you ever dealt with NPD’s before? I could always hear the regret in his voice. I think he knows that something is wrong with him. When he said that I should have come and talked to him, I told him I couldn’t. He asked why I didn’t, I told him that I didn’t think he’d want to see me. He said he would have thought that was the other way around.
When I read the info about NPD, I see why it seemed that he was always threatened by me or afraid for some reason. I could not put my finger on when I would talk to him, but there were times I could hear the fear in his voice, I could feel the regret in a way from him, I could tell he was always struggling with what to say to me. He was very smart and that was part of the attraction. I believe he is the cerebral form of the narcissist. I expressed my feelings to him very clearly. I told him I loved him.
Is there any way to be over him once and for all? Is there any help for these people? Do they have any feelings or is really just a case of the lights are on but no one is home? Can I get over not getting what I wanted desperately and instead getting what I needed (a strong man for a husband)?
I would appreciate any thoughts you have.
Signed, Not Over Him
Dear Not Over Him,
I’m a results-oriented kind of guy. I am not that concerned, to be honest, about the reasons behind this man’s behavior. In terms of how you should react, it doesn’t matter if he has some personality disorder or he behaves that way because he is getting messages beamed to him from Mars or if it is because he is just a nasty person. The end result is that he has treated you a certain way and you have to react accordingly. You need to protect yourself from the poor treatment.
Not only that, your letter indicates that his behavior is a problem for you. I disagree. That’s his problem. Your issues are tied up in your own behavior. That’s actually good news because you have no control over what he does and all the opportunity in the world to control what you do.
To summarize your situation, you had a “brief thing” with a guy approximately fifteen years ago, which you characterize as not even dating. Based on this brief encounter and a few words of attraction you wrangled out of him, you became convinced you have a special connection with this fellow that you thought would result in further contact and potentially marriage. He on the other hand pushed you away, made it clear he didn’t want you, ignored and lied about your emails, and acted positively weird when you happened to bump into him later.
The real questions for me are these:
- What made you feel so positive about this guy to begin with, when he had such an ambivalent response to your relationship?
- Why has your feeling of a special connection persisted for so long even though all of the potentially reinforcing events have actually been negative?
- And why oh why would a great gal like you squander your emotional energy on a guy who has made it quite clear he doesn’t want you?
There is a saying in the medical community that applies to diagnosis. “When you hear hoofbeats, think horses not zebras.” In other words, most situations are caused by the most common issues. It sounds like at the time you wanted very much to be in a relationship. You received at least some positive feedback from this man – the “strong reaction” you received when you pushed him – so you allowed yourself to develop a strong hope that this might be THE ONE. Hope can indeed spring eternal and it seems to be doing so in your case.
This hope is so powerful, this feeling of inevitability so seductive, that you categorize his weirdness as issues to be overcome and any slight indication of interest as proof that your hope has merit.
Your letter also implies that the initial encounter was sexual, since it was “not really dating.” Our society teaches young women to attach great importance to sexual relationships, especially the first relationship that involves great passion and abandon. Young ladies who give sex freely and without discrimination are often portrayed as tramps, while intimacy with the great love of your life is viewed as special and unique. So if you simply had a romp with a random guy who quickly passed in and out of your life, then you may be tempted to think badly of yourself. But if this guy is THE ONE, then it’s different. The sex is a special thing that happened with a special person in your life. This could be a powerful motivator to attach additional significance to this relationship.
Since we have not spoken I have no way of knowing if this is a factor in your case. I mention it so you can think about it and decide if you wish to raise it with your therapist.
You need to place this relationship in the appropriate historical perspective so it will stop interfering with your current emotions. You need to ask yourself what would have happened if he had agreed to stick around, to enter into a more longstanding relationship with you.
That would have been a disaster for you. His “come here, come here, no get away” personality would have had you constantly tied up in emotional knots. His weird behavior would have had much more opportunity to cause you pain, and the end result would have been the same, with him eventually rejecting you – not because of any failing on your part but because he has proven that this is his pattern.
Yes, you can and must get over this guy. He is not deserving of your desire – his behavior towards you makes this unequivocally true. My advice to you is to believe him when he says he doesn’t want you and to move on. Your husband is really THE ONE and deserves to occupy that spot in your heart without sharing even a bit of you with anyone else.
Good luck!
All the best,
Andrew
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Dear Andrew,
What have you got to say about bossy, perfectionistic, high achieving spouses who think they are always right...and are, indeed, always right. How do the rest of us stay sane when the person we're crazy about is a merciless perfectionist?
Signed, Trying to Measure Up
Dear Trying,
We need food, preferably something fresh out of the oven so the aroma will waft throughout your home. Hot biscuits? Yes, they will do nicely. Set them right there next to your computer.
You're also going to need some way to lock the door to that room you're in ... from the outside. When your husband follows that biscuit smell in here, you clear out, lock the door and leave him with me. And don't worry about any noises coming from this room. If you hear him scrambling frantically against the inside of the door or screaming words like, "Nooooooooo!" ... well that's just the two of us having some fun. It's nothing to concern yourself about.
Oh ... I think I hear him coming now. Time for me to get to work.
Dear Mr. Perfectionist,
Being competent is generally a good thing. You feel that way, don't you? Yes, I thought so, and I'm glad because I have a challenge for you.
You see, your wife tells me you pride yourself in being smart, always right. Well there are several different ways to measure IQ. I suspect you would achieve a high score in many of them. There is one measure, however, in which I can already tell you have a failing grade. I refer to this IQ scale as: "How do I keep my wife happy and make her feel good so she doesn't seek help from a relationship advice guy, claiming that I am a problem?" You might also call this your social IQ.
Is it smart to act in ways that make your family members:- feel badly about themselves?
- resent you?
- question their own competence?
I assume you love your family and want the best for them. That means you want them to have high self-esteem. They need to know you value their opinion and think of them as competent. They need to feel secure in your love for them, to know they are more important to you than anything else.
You also want people to have a good opinion of you. Now people value competence, there is no question about that. This must be balanced, however, with our collective admiration for people with humility and modesty, for those who care about others, not just about themselves.
So let's play "what if" for a moment. What if your wife receives a framed painting for her birthday and asks you to help her hang it in the living room? She mentions it would look good over the piano. You believe it would look better on the opposite wall, though, and you have several good reasons for your opinion. The colors in the painting would go better with the couch on that side, it would balance the number of pictures hung on each side of the room, it would cover the largest expanse of empty wall ... on and on. You're certain of it -- over the couch is the way to go.
The old you wouldn't hesitate. You would state your opinion in a millisecond and argue its merits until you got your way.
Sorry pal, but you just blew it. You flunked another edition of the social IQ test. Think about what you have gained and what you have lost. You have the small satisfaction of feeling you were right. You got your way: another small, momentary satisfaction. The picture is where you wanted it, which is going to affect your life how? Zip, partner. Not a bit. See, what you don't get is that the position of that picture won't make one iota of difference in your life.
Now let's look at the other side of the balance sheet. You have just proven to your wife that this trivial, unimportant positioning issue is more important to you than her autonomy. Everyone wants to feel they have some say in their own life. We all want to feel valued, that our opinions count. Well you have just shown your wife that hers counts for almost nothing in your books. How do you think that impacts the bond of closeness between the two of you? Yeah, that's what I think too, and this one is important, big time.
So you just chose a trivial gain at the cost of a gigantic loss. Not a good trade in my books. Not a very smart thing to do.
If you want to be a perfectionist, to do it the right way, try this sometime instead. When someone else has a different opinion and the issue isn't really all that important -- and trust me, most of them are galactically unimportant -- let it go. Choose the person over the issue. Make a conscious effort to make the people around you feel good about themselves.
Try these sayings once in a while: "What do I know about X? I'm no expert." How does that feel rolling off your tongue? Strange, I bet, but it shows the people around you that you’re a giving person. How about this one: "Whatever you want dear." Man, I could write a book on the uses for that one. You'll almost never get into trouble with it.
Put a little work into improving your social IQ and you'll be amazed at the return on investment. I'm not talking about money, of course; I mean smiles, hugs, satisfaction, currency like that. And I'm talking about loads of satisfaction, not that momentary prickle you got from being right about where the painting should go.
Try it, you'll like it.
All the best,
Andrew
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Dear Andrew,
My boyfriend and I have been together for six months. He travels for work and has already been away twice, for a month at a time. The long distance sucks but I think we handle it fairly efficiently. We also have a seven year age gap, although he says it doesn’t bother him.
I have undoubtedly brought some issues to our relationship. I have pushed him by moving things more quickly than he desired and I can be insecure. Having said that, we are great together. We don’t disagree on much, have a lot in common, and we both enjoy spending time together. I can tell he cares by the way that he looks at me and how he acts toward me, but the lack of verbal reassurance can be difficult. Sometimes I feel distant and find myself wondering how he feels.
We also have a lot of trouble having effective arguments. I try to fight fairly (though not always successfully) and I don’t think he even considers it. I really try to understand where he is coming from but sometimes it seems he isn’t trying to understand my side.
The following is a recent text message conversation that has driven me to write to you. We have exchanged some photos of ourselves since he has been away. I sent him one and didn’t receive a response. Two hours later, my Facebook homepage was filled with him liking / commenting on things. Thus began our argument via texting:
Me: Hitting Facebook ahead of answering a picture of me?
Him: You would say that
Me: Well lol doesn’t exactly feel the best when you notice that your significant other has found time to do things on Facebook but not to respond to a picture you took for them
Him: Ever read a text and forgot to respond? Of course not
Me: I didn’t say that. Of course I’ve done that. Although, I’m not sure I’d forget about receiving a picture of you. But I’m sorry if that’s the case in this situation. It was a little difficult to see that come up on my homepage and not feel like I was being ignored
Him: Whatever
Me: This is exactly what I meant about feeling shut down. I’m trying to express how I feel and all I’m getting is shut down.
Him: I have other things on my mind than my girlfriend being upset that I didn’t respond to a text picture before I went on Facebook. I have bigger issues to deal with. Shut out or not, this is ridiculous.
Me: Ok
Him: It’s times like this that I find our age gap really shows
Me: Pulling the age card here is pretty unfair. I have every right to have feelings, and when I’m hurt as a result of something that you did (or didn’t do), I should be able to express myself in a constructive manner. I’m trying really hard to understand where you’re coming from, and I don’t think I’m receiving the same courtesy. I understand that you have a lot on your mind right now, and forgot to answer. So yes, it kind of hurt me, but I’m completely over that. I just don’t like that it seems like I’m not receiving any understanding, and that everything is my fault.
Him: It’s a childish conversation and I’m not having it. I’ll just delete Facebook so this doesn’t happen again. I hate these stupid little arguments.
It seems like he was first trying to make this issue my fault, and when that didn’t work he threatened to delete his Facebook to make it go away. I just don’t get it. Am I doing something wrong? What can I do to help our situation? How can I make him see that there is something seriously wrong with the way we argue? Is there any way to help him make the necessary changes?
Sincerely,
Frustrated
Dear Frustrated,
I have good news and bad news for you. The bad news is that the two of you use some of the most common less than optimal habits when it comes to resolving conflict. The good news, however, is that you can replace those habits with more effective ones once you understand what is happening and realize there are better alternatives.
Conflict resolution is a complex topic. I’ll focus on a few key ideas that occurred to me when I read your email. Let’s start by translating part of your conversation into underlying messages:
You: Hitting Facebook ahead of answering a picture of me? (Underlying message: I’m accusing you of doing something wrong and I’m upset at you.)
Him: You would say that (I’m ignoring the issue you raised and instead accusing you of also doing something wrong.)
You: Well lol doesn’t exactly feel the best when ... (I’m accusing you of doing something wrong and I’m upset at you.)
Him: Ever read a text and forgot to respond? Of course not (I did nothing wrong. I’m accusing you of being unfair. I’m being sarcastic so you’ll know I’m upset too.)
Me: It was a little difficult to ... feel like I was being ignored (I’m accusing you of doing something wrong and I’m upset at you.)
Him: I have other things on my mind than my girlfriend being upset ... this is ridiculous. (I’m frustrated because I don’t know how to resolve the conflict.)
Notice that the underlying messages all start with “I.” Each of you expresses your own needs at every turn, rather than addressing your partner’s needs. I don’t think either of you are trying to be selfish, but the focus is clearly inward rather than outward. This leaves both of you feeling like the other doesn’t care about you, and you end up with exchanges that go like this:
“I want this.”
“Well I want that.”
“Yes, but I want this.”
You began the conversation with exactly this type of message, by stating something you wanted (for him to respond to your picture) and implying you were upset that he didn’t provide it for you. As an alternative, what if you had first considered the situation from his point of view? Were there other possible explanations for the sequence of events other than him not caring about you or your picture? Could you have given him the benefit of the doubt, at least until you talked with him?
When you have an issue, a more effective way to broach the subject is to find a positive spin. Instead of saying you’re upset about something you view as negative, turn it around and predict something great if the opposite were to happen. You might have tried something like this, which could have led to a different exchange:
You: Did you get my picture earlier? I was excited to hear what you thought of it. (Underlying message: You value his feedback and attention.)
Him: It was great
You: Glad you liked it. I was kind of disappointed you didn’t respond before but I figured you must have just forgotten. (Underlying message: You noticed the lack of response, but you’re being reasonable and understanding, and you’ve clearly considered the situation from his point of view.)
Him: Yeah sorry I was busy then and when I got back to my phone later I just forgot. It’s great though
By opening the conversation in a more positive manner, you’ve dramatically increased the chances of getting what you really wanted all along, which was for him to show appreciation for you via your picture. And because you haven’t made him feel attacked, he is more likely to apologize without feeling the need to defend himself.
His responses to you in the original conversation also left much to be desired. He employed a classic defend and deflect strategy. “I’ll explain how I’ve done nothing wrong, so the argument must be her fault for unfairly criticizing me. Besides, she does plenty of things wrong too.”
To many people this feels like a logical and appropriate response to an accusation. “If I can show that I haven’t done anything wrong, then I won’t be in trouble anymore.” Unfortunately this type of response usually makes the situation worse. When he says, “I haven’t done anything wrong,” then you hear him say, “Your concerns are invalid. There is no problem. Don’t expect me to contribute to a solution.” This tends to frustrate – and even more likely, infuriate – the person who raised the concern. You believe there’s an issue or you wouldn’t have brought it up. With this type of response from him, it’s no surprise that you sometimes feel like you’re not being heard.
Let’s look at a more effective response to your original opening salvo:
You: Hitting Facebook ahead of answering a picture of me?
At this point he needs to fight down the urge to become defensive and angry about the accusation. With a bit of practice, he can learn to ignore the manner in which you state your need and focus on the fact that you have one. He could figure out that you are feeling ignored and unappreciated, and make the whole problem go away with something like this:
Him: I’m sorry. I really didn’t mean to ignore you. The pic was great! I was just busy when I got it and then I forgot when I got back to my phone. My bad.
He might feel that a response like this would make him look bad, like he was opening himself up for further criticism by admitting fault. On the contrary, this is an effective way to make himself look good. By acknowledging his own role in creating the situation, he is now making it clear he heard your statement of need and he cares enough to address it. You’re now more confident that a solution is on the way and that he will help in creating the solution.
Here’s a good rule that both of you should use. When one of you states a request for change, the other must resist the urge to respond with a counter-accusation. Stick to the first request without muddying the waters with other topics.
The two of you are also dealing with a gender gap issue. You’re very interested in talking about feelings, whereas he’d be happier if the topic never came up. To you, feelings are what relationships are all about. He, on the other hand, feels no need to tell anyone about his feelings so the issue feels trivial and “ridiculous” to him.
This is another area where each of you approached this conversation from your own point of view rather than your partner’s. You could be more effective by realizing that talking about your feelings is likely to make his eyes glaze over. I’m not saying that’s fair to you -- it’s just that he doesn’t seem to have the empathy at this point to deal with extensive discussions about feelings. You’re likely banging your head against the wall by explaining your position in that manner. As I described earlier, try stating your need in terms of a possible positive outcome.
He, on the other hand, could be more effective by recognizing that you being upset is, all by itself, enough of a reason for him to help. It shouldn’t matter if he doesn’t understand or agree with your apparent reasons for being unhappy. It shouldn’t matter if you state your unhappiness in an imperfect way. In my world, if my wife thinks there is a problem, then there is, by definition, a very real problem and it’s my job to help make it go away. (...unless she just wants me to listen and stop short of going into Mr. Fixit mode, but that’s a topic for another day.)
Often all it takes is for one of you to be the hero and respond with, “Yes, I understand. I’m sorry.” That’s usually enough to start draining the tension away.
With both of you using less than optimal strategies, it’s no surprise that your conversations sometimes degenerate into bickering. Obviously you can choose to make changes on your side, but you might be wondering how to get him to change his ways. There are a few things you can try. One would be to get him to read this article. I wouldn’t be surprised, though, if he is less than excited about reading a post by some Internet relationship guy. If that approach doesn’t work, I suggest you focus on your own behavior, not his. The simple reason is that you can’t control how he acts. You can only control your own actions.
If that sounds like bad news, it isn’t. Making choices regarding your own behavior provides all the control you need to initiate change. You are half of the relationship. He acts, you react, then he reacts to what you just did. In other words, you’ve just influenced his actions. The question is whether you’ll influence his actions effectively, in directions that will strengthen your relationship.
The next time you’re tempted to say something negative that he might interpret as a criticism, first try thinking of the situation from his point of view as well as your own. Bring up the topic in a way that makes it clear you’ve looked at it from both sides. Use positive messages more often than negative. Hopefully this will encourage him to do the same.
Finally, don’t lose hope when your change process takes time. It took many years for both of you to develop your current strategies for dealing with conflict, and it will take time to ingrain new habits.
Hopefully that gives you a few ideas to get the two of you started in a better direction. Good luck!
All the best,
Andrew
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Dear Andrew,
My husband has an odd mix of traits that make him wonderful on so many levels. He is brilliant, affable, funny, and down-to-earth. He is passionate, capable and with certain people, compassionate to a very high degree. He’s handsome and affectionate. He’s a good provider for our family and has no problem doing housework. In fact, he excels at both! So how could I dare speak against such perfection when so many women would KILL to have a guy even a hundredth this awesome? Because there are some deep-rooted psychological issues that I’ve attempted to help resolve, but I’ve been unsuccessful.
My husband grew up in a trailer-park to an alcoholic, abusive father and an accommodating doormat of a mother. His environment could be described as squalor, he said. At one point, his father was arrested for assault after threatening his mother with a gun. My husband was probably ten or so and his refusal to move from in front of his mother saved her life. His father and younger brother purportedly did nothing while he and his mother did all the cleaning, cooking, laundry, etc. Essentially, they enabled.
My husband graduated high school and married his high school sweetheart, with a daughter born not long after. His wife, sadly, had several challenges that stemmed from childhood trauma, such as debilitating OCD and crippling insecurity that led to risky sexual behavior like multiple affairs. Two additional children and worsening symptoms later and he was in front of a court-appointed counselor who recommended that he should leave his wife and take the children with him, or the courts would do it instead.
Then he met a woman with two even younger children who was about to become homeless. He re-married, but she was abusive, hateful and entitled. He went from having $30,000 in the bank to being $40,000 in the hole. She publicly humiliated him and privately emasculated him. He didn’t want to be a two-time loser so he stayed and became a miserable, functioning escapist via alcohol, porn, and mild drug use.
Eventually he left her and met me six months later. I spent the first six months of our relationship reminding him I’m not one of his exes. He would project based on their past behaviors. We eventually married but we’re struggling in a few areas.
I was raised in a home where the physical environment was the exact opposite of his. My parents were so controlling, so perfectionistic, that they threatened to burn all my clothes but one outfit if I didn’t keep them perfectly washed, folded and put away at all times. I wasn’t allowed to shut my door because that is a sign of people who are doing something wrong and they threatened to take it off the hinges if I did. I was told to be seen and not heard. Laughing and singing was considered obnoxious and I was quickly slapped or beaten for speaking out of turn. EVERYTHING I did was criticized, belittled or shamed. I left as quickly as I was able but carried many emotional scars. It took two failed marriages of my own and a lot of counseling to get to where I was able to have some semblance of inner peace. I learned how to keep things clean without being obsessed about it and that it’s okay to let go of the need to be perfect.
Enter my husband. A dish left unwashed causes him to obsess that things are going to revert back to his childhood days. The only time he can relax is if he is surrounded by the starkest, cleanest of environments. If he had his way, while we were taking our last bite of food, we would be walking to the sink to wash the dish so as not to leave any dish undone for any length of time. Clothes are the same way. Leaving a nightgown or PJs on the bed so I can rewear them the next night makes him stressed. Keeping a hairbrush or medication or a toothbrush on the bathroom counter is intolerable. And while some people would say, just tell him to clean it up himself, that means he is entering into other peoples’ spaces and cleaning up others peoples’ things, putting them where he wants them to go or pitching them if he feels like it. Which is invasive, controlling and extraordinarily inconsiderate.
He admits to obsessing over things but denies that it’s detrimental. He says, “It’s who I am and I can’t change what I feel. It’s hard-wired into me from my childhood.” He feels that as long as he is able to control his environment, he is able to have peace and we should all help him achieve that peace if we love him. While he doesn’t belittle or shame us, it’s obvious he’s distressed over every little thing. I have successfully convinced him to leave my side of the room alone, but in shared spaces, such as the bathroom, he refuses.
Because I grew up in a very aggressive, very violent household, I learned all about rage very early. I experienced passive-aggressive behavior on a daily basis. It took me years to learn successful coping skills to prevent going into a rage or acting passive-aggressively when something upsets me. My technique is to calmly state that while I want to resolve the situation, I am feeling very emotional and very stressed and feel it’s best to remove myself from it for a time. I reassure him that I will come back to resolve it when I am calmer and more able to think clearly. My husband takes this as outright rejection. In the past he has followed me wherever I went, demanding that I talk to him NOW and saying that my behavior is unbiblical and is equivalent to asking for a divorce. When I forced him to go to counseling to get an outside, third-party perspective, he saw the harm that his aggression was causing, but he still hasn’t been able to let go of the feeling of abandonment and rejection. In spite of every effort to reassure him (even while trying to stifle extreme anger), it doesn’t register with him that my coping skill has nothing to do with punishing him, but that I simply need to be where it’s calm and quiet so I can think and regroup.
So, there are my two issues. How do I deal with his need for perfection? And secondly, when we’re arguing and I need to be alone for a while, how do I deal with the constant texting about how alone he feels and how rejected he feels?
Again, it seems so ridiculous to be complaining at all when so much of him is the stuff of dreams! It’s just that these two problems are the source of 99% of our disagreements. Even if it seems we’re disagreeing about who left a dish out, what we’re really talking about is his perfectionism and inability to overcome it. Or, if we’re arguing about his invasion of space and my need for solitude, we’re really talking about his inability to step outside of his own needs and trust. Which is so strange because in most circumstances, he is extraordinarily empathetic. But when he’s emotional, he ceases to be rational. And while learning effective coping skills would work great for him, he doesn’t think he has a problem. He blames others for having a problem with him. It’s a vicious cycle. And it’s exhausting.
Signed,
Perplexed
Dear Perplexed,
You say the physical environment you had while growing up was the exact opposite of your husband’s, but I think you’ll agree that your childhood experiences include an unfortunate common element; you both had to deal with abusive situations. I hate that the two of you had to endure the abuse you’ve described, and I’m sorry to hear about your current problems.
Abused children are tremendously affected in myriad ways, many of which exhibit themselves as challenges during adulthood. One common pattern is for such children to struggle with adult relationships. Your letter mentions several of the ways in which this can happen, such as:- Tolerating abuse or other negative behavior when it starts to occur with a partner, perhaps due to low self esteem or because you’re used to dealing with it;
- Interpreting your partner’s behavior in the context of the previous abuse you’ve received — constantly looking for negative ways to interpret their behavior, rarely giving them the benefit of the doubt; and
- Bringing various insecurities and sensitivities into a relationship.
This last category seems most highly related to the two primary challenges you mentioned — the struggle over standards of cleanliness and your differing approaches to conflict resolution.
First of all, you shouldn’t question the need to deal with such issues. A problem is still a problem, even if many other aspects of your relationship are wonderful.
The last paragraph of your letter makes the distinction between topics and issues. When you talk about whether or not he should touch your toothbrush, that’s a topic. His desire to move the toothbrush and your desire for him not to do so are just the visible symptoms. The true issues run much deeper. You’ve touched on some of the issues, such as the inner distress you both admit to feeling in certain situations. You both seem to be aware that these issues stem from your past experiences to some degree.
Your frustration is obvious in your letter. You’re searching for ways to exert some control, a path you can take that will lead to improvements. I can promise that discussing the symptoms (the topics) will not effectively deal with the underlying issues. You’ve already seen that. You can ask him to leave your mess alone until you’re blue in the face, but he’ll still feel the same anxiety inside.
Identifying an underlying issue is a necessary first step to resolving it, but it’s not a full solution. This sounds like something you’ve tried. You believe he’s obsessing and you’ve told him so. Unfortunately the types of issues you’re dealing with are long-standing and complex. Pointing them out is not enough to make them go away. That’s like coming across a highly claustrophobic person who is unfortunate enough to be trapped in an elevator. You can say to them, “Oh, I know what this is. It’s claustrophobia, so you can stop being anxious now.” That’s clearly not going to work, just like it hasn’t worked for you to point out what you see as his issues.
By the way, I understand his position when he says, “This is just how I am, I’ve always been this way, and I’ll never change.” He believes this to be the absolute truth. From his point of view, he has been like that for as long as he can remember. Nothing has ever happened to change his experience, so it’s an understandable assumption on his part that nothing could ever change it.
I said I understand his belief. I also disagree with it. Just as our internal and external behaviors are shaped by our experiences, we can re-shape and re-learn new behaviors. When past traumas are involved, however, the re-learning process almost certainly requires extensive work with trained professionals and comes with no guarantee of eventual success. The individual must be highly committed to the process, so often it’s easier to say, “It can’t be done. This is just who I am.”
Okay, now let’s move on to some good news. I do have one suggestion that I believe will help you feel less perplexed and a bit more in control of whether your interactions with your husband have positive outcomes.
Here’s a fundamental truth I’d like you to wrap your head around: You can’t control his behavior; you can only control your own.
At first that might sound like bad news. After all, your letter clearly states that you believe he’s the problem and you’d like to know how you can deal with it. I suggest you take a moment and re-read the last paragraph of your letter above. In describing each of your two issues, you use the phrase “his inability.” You describe your standards of cleanliness as within normal bounds, while his need for perfection is obsessive. Your approach for handling conflict is apparently a reasonable strategy you’ve developed in response to your past traumas, whereas his approach is an unreasonable “inability” that has arisen from his past traumas.
According to you, you’re right and he’s wrong. You’d like to keep doing exactly what you’re doing, and you’d like to know how to change his response.
You haven’t mentioned anything about changing the part you can control — your own behavior. And that’s where the good news comes in. Every relationship is a give and take. You act, he reacts, then you react to his reaction. In other words, both of you have just influenced the other. The key to success is to realize that the most effective way to influence the situation in a good direction is to behave in ways that promote positive outcomes.
A further insight is related to this “I’m right, he’s wrong” business. There’s a spectrum of possible behavior for each of the two issues you mentioned. Let’s start with your standards of cleanliness. Your husband seems to be toward the “ultimate clean freak” end of the spectrum, while you’re able to exist quite comfortably in the midst of a bit more clutter. Statistically speaking, I suspect a larger number of people would tend to be similar to you rather than him in this respect, but that doesn’t make you right and him wrong. It just means the two of you are different. Your approach feels right and comfortable to you, as does his to him.
I’m willing to bet there are untold numbers of men to whom you could be married where this situation would be reversed. In other words, many men would consider your standards of cleanliness WAY too stringent when compared with their own preferences. Imagine being married to the guy who considers it a waste of energy to make the bed more often than Christmas and Easter. He leaves his tightie wighties on the floor in front of the shower every morning, and no amount of reminding or downright nagging is enough to get him to drop them in the laundry hamper instead. You have the daily pleasure of either picking them up yourself or looking at them every time you walk into the bathroom. If you want to talk about statistical probabilities, this is the situation I hear about more often than yours.
In both types of situations, the problem isn’t that one partner is right and the other is wrong. The issue is that each of you feels comfortable within a certain range of cleanliness along the spectrum, and your ranges don’t overlap. You haven’t been able to come up with a common compromise where you can both be comfortable and happy.
The same is true with your respective approaches to conflict resolution. You’re more comfortable being apart immediately after the onset of conflict (so you can deal with your rage), whereas he’s more comfortable being together at that time (so he doesn’t feel rejected). Both of you have your own needs. Both of you feel justified in those needs.
Both of you have the opportunity to change your own approach.
Neither of you is inclined to do so.
Stalemate.
The underlying assumption embodied in your letter is that your approach should stay the same and he should change. What if you opened up the possibility that you could both change? If you think about that, I bet you’ll agree that this doubles the possibility of finding a common comfort zone along those spectrums I described above. If both people can move toward middle ground (rather than only one of you) then successful compromise is more likely.
As an example, let’s talk about your rage reaction. I get the sense you’ve accepted that this will always be a part of your life. Your coping strategy isn’t about avoiding rage. Instead, the rage comes over you and you find a way to ride it out in isolation.
What if you could learn a different reaction to conflict, one that doesn’t involve rage? Pick a situation where you became enraged and had to withdraw so you could regain control of your emotions. Many, many people could be presented with exactly the same stimuli and have no anger reaction. “That’s true,” you might say, “but they don’t have my background. Unfortunately the rage is part of who I am and I can’t change what I feel. It’s hard-wired into me due to the very aggressive, very violent household in which I grew up.”
Hmmm. That sounds a lot like the argument your husband offers for why he can’t change. I’ll offer you the same rebuttal; it is possible for you to re-learn how to react to conflict, although admittedly that would require commitment to change and plenty of hard work with the support of a professional. Imagine if you could remove or lessen your rage reactions. I’m betting you would enjoy life more, and the two of you would have one less issue standing in the way of compromise.
I suspect the two of you share more similarities than you might be willing to admit. You’ve both suffered tremendous emotional trauma. You’ve both endured the pain of multiple failed relationships. You both have complex, deep-rooted issues that affect your current ability to compromise with your partner.
And you both have many wonderful qualities that make it WELL worth whatever effort it takes to find those compromises.
I’m not trying to downplay the difficulties of dealing with issues stemming from childhood abuse, but I do believe you can increase your chances of shared happiness if you (a) gain a bit more understanding and empathy for his point of view (rather than simply considering him to be wrong), and (b) open up the possibility of two-way compromise, rather than expecting all the concessions to come from him.
I’m so glad you chose to write to me. You clearly care a great deal about your husband and your marriage. He’s lucky to have such a caring spouse, and I suspect that one fact will go a long way toward helping the two of you be happy together. I wish you both the best of luck!
All the best,
Andrew
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Dear Andrew,
We've all heard the Golden Rule before: “Treat others as you wish to be treated.” Usually, I find this to be sage advice, however, I'm starting to get the feeling that this behavior is driving a wedge between me and my partner.
I prefer a more verbal communication style. I ask my partner to share his thoughts with me because it makes me feel like my partner trusts me and I feel like it gives me a chance to see a side of him no one else does; therefore, I try to role-model this behavior by talking about my innermost thoughts and desires in the hopes that it will encourage him to open up. My partner, on the other hand, seems to prefer a more silent approach, where hugs and kisses are supposed to communicate these deeper feelings. For example, about 15 minutes after having an argument, my partner pulled me aside, gave me a kiss, and said “I love you.” I later found out that he considered that an apology, but I was looking for an acknowledgement of his role in the argument and a clear-cut apology.
I recognize that my partner probably doesn't want to hear me babble on and would prefer a more reserved approach, but I also feel that if I stop role-modeling the kind of attention I want to receive, I will never get what I want. How do you reconcile differences in how you want to be treated?
Signed, Chatter Box
Dear Talkative One,
I can understand your desire to be with someone who fulfills your needs. We all want that. It seems, however, that the way you’re trying to achieve this isn’t creating the desired outcome. Let’s examine why.
For starters, I could interpret “Do unto others” somewhat differently in your scenario. You interpret it as communicating openly with him in hopes he will communicate openly in return. What you’re actually doing, though, is trying to change him. You’d like him to behave in a way that doesn’t come naturally to him. So if he were to treat you the same way you’re treating him, he would use his natural behavior (which he’s already exhibiting) in an effort to change you. He’d try to get you to adopt his communication style. That would likely result in an unproductive stalemate.
You’d like him to make you feel good, so the golden rule suggests you should find a way to make him feel good. As you’ve described it, however, your babbling is intended to satisfy your needs, not his.
Every person and every relationship evolves over time, so it’s natural – even necessary – to ask for change once in a while from our significant others. It’s generally a recipe for disaster, however, to enter into a relationship knowing you’ll only be happy once you’ve changed something fundamental about your partner. I’m not saying that’s what you’ve done, but you have to be careful about trying to change your partner’s basic personality. I get the sense you’re effusive and he’s more reserved. If so, you might as well accept right now that this will always be his general nature. No amount of asking, modeling, or pressuring will change someone’s core traits.
Here are a couple of questions you should ask yourself. Will you be happy only once you’ve changed his basic nature? Or will it be enough if he can learn a few tricks of the trade so he can fulfill your needs better? If it’s the latter, we can start think about how to teach him ways to accomplish that.
One of you has to break the impasse by taking the first positive step. I suggest you do so, for the simple reason that you can make that happen but you can’t choose for him to do so. One of the most effective ways to begin making changes is to first acknowledge your own role in how things have gone so far.
You mention using role modeling as a way to ask for change. That’s unfair to him, in a sense, because it requires him to guess why you’re acting that way. He could be forgiven for coming to the most obvious conclusion, which is that you’re sharing your inner thoughts because that’s what you naturally like to do. You could admit to him that your explicit objective in doing this was to encourage him to do the same, and then you could apologize for becoming frustrated with him when he didn’t take the hint. This is an example of what I mean by taking the first positive step. You start to ease any existing tensions by offering an apology.
Another well known chestnut is not to look a gift horse in the mouth. He offered you the gift of an apology after your argument. He did so using language that took a while for you to decode, but nonetheless he was sincerely trying to make up. Your response was to be critical of his gift. It would be good if the two of you can come together on how to state apologies so they work best for both of you. Since that hasn’t happened yet, your initial olive branch might include an apology for not being more gracious in accepting his attempt on that occasion.
Finally, I suggest you forget your strategy of hoping he’ll take your hints. Instead, simply flat out ask for what you want … but with a few caveats:
- Be conscious of putting a positive spin on your requests. Avoid saying things like, “I hate it when you’re quiet all the time.” Instead try this: “It makes me feel special when you share your innermost thoughts and dreams. Will you do that for me sometimes?” Rather than predicting failure if he doesn’t comply, predict great success that will come from the requested change.
- Don’t ask for more than he can deliver. Like I discussed above, asking him to change his fundamental nature is likely to end in failure.
- Be as specific as you can. Something like “Will you please be more talkative?” is too general, because it’s difficult for him to know specifically what he should do to make you happier. Instead, ask for something he can do right now: “It would make me feel better if you acknowledged your role in that argument. Will you please do that for me?” And by the way, that one works better if you’ve just finished acknowledging your own role.
- Avoid the dreaded C words – ‘can’ and ‘could.’ We men can be literal creatures, so a request like, “Can you tell me what you’re thinking?” is often interpreted as, “Do you have the ability to tell me?” You’re not questioning his capabilities; you want him to take action, so state it that way: “Will you tell me?”
I get the sense from your email that you and your partner have plenty of positive things going for you. His giving nature prompted him to proactively offer up an apology after your argument. You obviously care enough about the relationship that you’ve given the issues serious thought and have reached out for help. Hopefully you’ll find my suggestions helpful in reconciling your differences. I wish you the best of luck and I’d love to hear how things turn out.
All the best,
Andrew
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Dear Andrew,
I read Dismaying Story #100: Getting Past a Rape and it struck a deep chord within me. I grew up in an emotionally and physically abusive house and was kicked out when I was 13 by my brother’s father. (I am the oldest of three, each with different fathers). He kicked me out for eating his Oreo cookies. Mom moved me into an apartment across town where I lived by myself for several months. She would come by after work and check on me, then go back to his house with my brother and sister.
A man broke in one night and raped me. I don’t even know what color he was because he put a sheet over him, and then placed it over me. When I was about 15-16, the man I babysat for would bring me home at night, after first making a stop in a dark elementary school parking lot, where he would force me to perform oral sex on him while he touched me. This was a pattern repeated multiple times. He was very well-known in the community (still is), a successful businessman, handsome, well-liked, wealthy, married with two children. I couldn’t tell anybody, not even mom, because she thought he was so wonderful.
Another reason I couldn’t tell her was that she didn’t initially believe I was raped. My brother’s father would touch me inappropriately at various times and when I told her, she didn’t believe that either. She said I was imagining it. She wouldn’t have believed me about this other man either.
I am in counseling with a therapist who specializes in PTSD. He told me that I need to forgive, not for the rapists, but for me. Only thing is, I don’t know how to do that. I understand the logic behind his words, but that is all I understand.
The man who I babysat for is now 71, he was in his 40s at the time. Some years ago, I called the police and they said there was a statute of limitations and if I reported him, called him out, or in any manner tried to do anything about it now, this man could sue me for slander. There is so much hate and anger in me that I don’t know how to rid myself of it. Realizing that I am only poisoning myself doesn’t help me get rid of the violent emotions inside of me.
Is there some guidepost to forgiveness? Like I told my counselor, I am a great cook and can follow any recipe I find, but forgiveness is ethereal. There seems to be no recipe to follow. I can't grasp it in my hands, look at it, smell it, taste it, mold it, and so I don't know how to do it.
Signed, Feeling Trapped By My Emotional Pain
Dear Feeling Trapped,
First of all, I am so sorry for the pain you’ve had to endure, both in the past and also today. I haven’t lived through your experiences and so I can’t (and don’t want to) pretend that I understand what you’ve gone through. Only someone who has walked in your shoes can truly say “I understand.” It’s clear, though, that the events you describe are horrific. It’s no surprise that trying to heal from all of that is tremendously challenging.
I’m glad you’re working with a therapist, and one who has specialized credentials. I urge you to continue. No doubt you already know this, but just to be clear for anyone who might read this post: Any thoughts that I might offer should never be considered as an alternative to working with a professional. Nonetheless, you’ve asked for my help and I certainly would like to do whatever I can.
If you haven't already done so, I urge you to forgive yourself for whatever guilt you might still have regarding your role in the abuse. You did not cause it ... not ANY of it. There is no behavior that a teenage girl could do that would / should cause any type of abuse to come your way. You didn't invite it and you didn't deserve it, not in any way. None of it was your fault.
You asked about forgiveness. You want to rid yourself of hate and anger and violent emotions. Can someone in your position really decide to ‘forgive’ the hurtful people from your past, and therefore get past those emotions? And what does forgiveness mean in that context?
Some people find the word forgiveness disconcerting because we associate that word with an action directed at the tormentors. The meaning here is that you need to stop hating. You’ve spent so much time and energy on actively feeling the rage. It has consumed far too much of your life. It is horrible that those abusers and rapists ruined your past, so you need to find ways of preventing them from ruining your future as well.
No doubt your therapist has explained that this is not about absolving your abusers of their responsibility for hurting you. By getting past the hate, you are not accepting in any way that what they did is somehow okay. In fact, the process you need to go through has nothing to do with them. It’s all about healing you, and only you.
If I’m reading your letter correctly, the painful emotions have been ever present inside you for around thirty years, or even longer if we consider that you grew up in an abusive home. You’ve endured decades of negative thoughts and feelings. This is not just a set of events you need to get past; your entire lifetime has been characterized by the hate and anger. You’ve been conditioned over and over again to associate emotional pain with your memories. Every time you remember the past and feel the emotional pain, you become even more strongly conditioned to associate one with the other. Feeling the anger is not a choice you make, it’s a conditioned response … and an understandable one given what you have gone through.
I doubt very much if there is a single person on the planet who could get past that type of decades-long conditioning simply by deciding to do so. It would be staggeringly difficult to say, “Okay, as of this moment I won’t be angry at those people anymore.” Our brains just don’t work that way. It takes much more than that do undo the conditioning.
In short, this type of healing is a process, not an event.
The process starts with your decision to let go of the anger. This is a necessary step, but the decision itself is not what will lessen your anger. Instead, that decision is what starts you down the road to accomplishing a longer-term goal.
The fact that you are working with a therapist is a good indication that you have already decided you want this for yourself. I believe you are already on the road, although you may not recognize the signposts, nor where the road can take you.
Can you imagine a day in the future when the rage is gone? Or at least when it is reduced to some manageable level so you can proceed happily with your day? I bet that sounds like a tremendously tough thing to accomplish. After all, your experience so far has been that your anguish is never ending. Not only can’t you see the light at the end of the tunnel, you may not even be convinced that the tunnel HAS an opening at the end. It can be difficult to muster the courage to take the first step when the road ahead looks impossibly long.
So perhaps one way to get started with your healing process is to set a tiny goal that you have a good chance of achieving, and quickly.
What kind of goal? Well what you’re really after is to spend time without rage and hatred in your heart. Any amount of time you can spend like that is a victory. In psychological terms, each time you do that is a conditioning event where you start to associate ‘you’ with happy thoughts, rather than ‘you’ with anger. This is one way to start breaking the old familiar feedback cycle in your mind.
You can think of a conditioned response (your anger) as habitual behavior, which arises when you have certain thoughts. Right now this happens often. I’m sure you would like to reduce the frequency.
I happen to believe we don’t ‘break’ habits. Instead, we replace them with new behaviors. One starting goal you might set for yourself is to engage your mind in a more positive way. The idea is to make it so the negative emotions have no room to live inside you, even if only for a small amount of time. Maybe it’s half an hour. Heck, maybe it’s only five minutes.
The type of positive activity that will be effective for you is as individual as you are. Some people achieve inner peace through meditation or long walks. Others lose themselves in exercise or a creative activity like painting or sculpting. Perhaps talking with your therapist, a good friend or a support group allows you to spend some time basking in the light, keeping the dark at bay. Whatever turns out to work for you, each moment of peace is proof that you can exert some level of control over your situation, even if it is only briefly and even if the control is tenuous.
It’s a start. And we can even do better than that.
I’m going to take an educated guess that self esteem is part of the issue. How could it not be? Ever since you were young you’ve had people demonstrating how unimportant you must be. Your step-father valued a bag of Oreo cookies more than you. That forced your mother to choose which was more important to her, you or him. She chose him. The men who raped and sexually abused you clearly valued their momentary gratification more than your well being. Who could blame you for coming to the inescapable conclusion that you are not worth much?
Well let me tell you – those people were SO wrong. You are every bit as worthy and deserving of happiness as every other person on the planet. It’s important that you start to gain faith in this as part of your emotional healing. You need to recapture the feelings of self worth that those people did their best to steal from you. By discovering how great you really are, you will recover the lost treasure – you will recover yourself!
In my experience, the best way for you to discover how great you are is for others to show how much they appreciate having you in their life. That’s why I suggest you choose your positive activities with one word in mind – giving.
When we give of ourselves, we usually get back much more. I’m betting that will be ultra true for you. Here are some ideas you might consider.
Drop by an old folks home and spend some time reading to the residents. Many dog owners are shut ins, elderly, or workaholics … so take their dog out for some exercise. The next time you’re out with your girlfriend, tell her how glad you are that she is your friend. Help your co-worker meet her deadline, even when (especially when) it’s not your job to do so. Hold a door open for the person behind you.
The possibilities are endless, the opportunities are every day, and the payoffs can be tremendous. The personal satisfaction you gain will momentarily help to crowd out the hate. Each time you hear “Thank you” and “You’re amazing” – well, those kind words will start to erect protective barriers of self esteem. Over time those fences will make it harder and harder for the anger to find its way back in.
So that’s my recipe for forgiveness. Over time, find repeated opportunities to re-learn what an amazing person you are, crowding out the anger as frequently and in as many ways as you can.
Here are a few ingredients that are important for making the recipe work:
- Be patient. Don’t become discouraged if it seems like the process is taking a long time. You’ve spent decades getting to this point, so give yourself permission to spend whatever time it takes to help yourself.
- Don’t try to do it all alone. Look for help wherever you might find it, whether that’s with friends, professionals, books, online, wherever. Make use of whatever seems to work for you.
- Recognize that partial victories are still victories. Finding yourself angry from time to time doesn’t mean you are failing. If you can eventually hold the pain at bay enough so it’s manageable, that is still a huge victory.
- Expect to go through peaks and valleys. Don’t let the dark days convince you that the good days will never return.
- Celebrate your victories, no matter how small. Use them to help motivate you that gradual success is not only possible, it is inevitable!
On that last point, here’s one thing you really need to understand: You’ve already achieved several victories! Despite the tremendous hardships you’ve gone through, you’ve survived and become a person with some obviously strong life skills. You were able to recognize and admit your challenges, form a goal to find help, identify and obtain appropriate professional help, listen to and really hear his advice, and work hard to find a way to implement the advice. You communicate well and you’re clearly a problem solver. And I’m sure I’ve only scratched the surface.
I can assure you of this – you’ve already begun the process of healing and you’ve already achieved some significant victories. Take heart in that and keep going.
Again, I am so sorry for what you’ve had to endure. It is definitely possible to re-gain your happiness, and it sounds like you’re doing the right things to get there. Please know that at least one person in the universe is pulling hard for you to do exactly that!
All the best,
Andrew
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Dear Andrew,
