Retailers Flummoxed Nationwide

Retailers across the nation are scratching their heads in wonderment today in response to a run on plus-size aprons. Most stores have sold out and huge crowds of frustrated customers are reported in several locations.

"It's the most bizarre thing I've ever seen," one Wal-Mart manager said, shouting to make himself heard above the din of angry people. "All of a sudden every guy in town wants an apron and their wives seem just as anxious for them to buy one. And all the men have this odd look of desperation on their faces."

The unexpected demand has retail analysts scrambling for an explanation. So far the theories include the obvious need to make lunches for school, or possibly the late summer handyman projects where men prepare their homes for fall and winter.

Perhaps the most persuasive theory, though, was advanced by a bemused group of women standing outside a local shopping mall and watching the ruckus.

"There is nothing more appealing than a man willing to put on an apron for the sake of a woman's happiness," Mother Jones RN said. "When my husband's in the kitchen, he's the sexiest man alive."

Other bystanders chimed in with similar opinions. "My husband has figured out that if he helps his wife out around the home," Karmyn R said, "she is more likely to have sex with him instead of being 'too tired and stressed out!' "

This left Julie Julie Bo Boolie and Jellyhead nodding in agreement. "There is nothing sexier," Julie said, "than a man loading the dishwasher, washing the floor or bathing and putting his children to bed. I mean absolutely nothing!"

JBWriterGirl went so far as to put it this way: "One afternoon my husband offered to take over a refinishing job I was doing. He strained and groaned and I saw muscles I'd never even realized he had. Was I horny? You betcha."

Conclusive evidence for this "Foreplay by Dishwashing" theory showed up minutes later when two burly men in one store struggled over the lone remaining apron and ended up tearing it into two pieces. "Now you've done it," one of them shouted as he waved his half in the other man's face. "How am I supposed to look sexy in this?"

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Dear Faithful Readers,

Your comments a couple of days ago were simply too juicy to pass up! Thanks to everyone for all the input, and to JBWriterGirl, whose The Not So News/JBLA site inspired the format.

Coming up tomorrow: Dismaying Story #43: The Not So Handyman. This is the story of a woman who has trouble getting her husband to pitch in with handyman projects around the house, the ones that guys traditionally look after. I'll examine some of the underlying causes of their conflict, including how issues like this are often not as one-sided as you might think.

See you then!
Andrew