Thursday, September 07, 2006

A Romance Novelist's Views on the Real Deal

I was doing a bit of blog surfing last night when I ran across a post worth sharing with you Faithful Readers. Romance novelist Teresa Medeiros is a contributor to a blog called Squawk Radio. Yesterday she posted a list of relationship tips entitled A Romance Writer's Guide to a Happy Marriage.

This is not a description of the "perfect" relationship you might expect to see in a romance novel. Instead, Teresa draws upon her 22-year marriage to distill a few gems of her own personal wisdom. These fit right in with the commonsense principles I try to use in the Dismaying Stories. Titles for the 10 tips in her list include "Practice the 3 C's--caring, commitment, compromise" and "Never stop dating." She backs up these titles with brief, punchy descriptions of the points she is trying to make.

I would be interested to hear your feedback on Teresa's advice. At the end of her post she asks what is the best (and worst) relationship advice you ever received, which would also be fun to hear about.

Finally, if you haven't already done so, don't forget to check out this week's Ask the Faithful Readers question. The topic for this week is about separate versus shared bank accounts, and several readers have already contributed their opinions to the lively discussion. I will post my favorite response on Saturday with a link to the winner's blog.

Have a great Thursday, everyone!

13 comments:

  1. This *romance* writer has got it nailed.

    She's just said everything (especially the parts about kids and crushes) that I've been saying for a while now.

    Best relationship advice I'd ever received? A woman I used to work with said, "Don't worry so much about how much you love him--if that's your basis for a marriage, you'll spend your whole life chasing after him, just to keep him. Worry about how much he loves you--and you'll never have to doubt your choice."

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  2. Having one failed marriage under my belt, I can say with certainty that "commitment" should be in bold print, large font... and maybe even flashing at that.

    We know we should care, we know we should compromise... but it's so important to commit to the relationship regularly - not just at the altar.

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  3. all i have to say - is this is amazing - what a list..

    and i wish i had this two failed marriages ago...smile

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  4. That was a great list, Andrew! Thanks for recommending it- I want to print it out and put it on my refrigerator!
    The best relationship advice I have ever rec'd actually came from my own dear husband when he said to me, "I am not a mind reader!"
    That hit me like a brick! I guess after being married for all these years (20) I just figured he knew exactly what I wanted or needed at exactly the time I wanted or needed it! The poor guy! I really laid a lot on him.
    So, I think what I am trying to say is just to be open up your communication with your spouse- talk about things. Don't sulk or dismiss... talk!

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  5. Andrew..those C's. I think our problem is that we stopped dating and took each other for granted. I always think marriage is like a plant it needs to be watered and nurtured to grow.Compromise is the next big thing that needs looking into.

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  6. This is a great post Andrew! hum, the best advised I heard was:” Always listen to each other, do not interrupt... just listen".

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  7. Probably the best relationship advice I ever got was from the minister who married us. He said, "Marriage is never 50/50. It's 70/30 or 60/40. If you don't go into it with unrealistic expectations and you communicate with each other, that's what really makes for a lasting marriage."

    We took his advice to heart and I guess it's worked nicely. Hubby and I just celebrated our 24th anniversary in August. We sometimes communicate a little too *loudly*, but, boy do we communicate. And, we don't expect perfection out of each other or a perfect split of chores, etc.

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  8. Hi Andrew (and thank YOU for visiting MY blog),
    I wanted to say quickly that the worst relationship advice was this: someone told me to cheat on my partner so that he'd become jealous, angry, and then realize he couldn't live without me. I would, in turn, have my partner eating out of the palm of hand. Needless to say, I did NOT cheat on my partner. Just idiotic. The best relationship advice I received was from my best friend who asked me "Are you happy?" When I answered yes, she said, "Good, you answered in under three seconds. You're relationship is still good." I thought that made a lot of sense.
    Anyway, Hope you have a great Thursday
    (and I hope gay relationships are admissable through your very insightful blog)

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  9. I will have to take a look at the post you linked to and get back to you. I'm particularly interested in this because I had considered writing a post sometime about what "real life" marriage is like for me. I thought it would be interesting to compare my marriage to the stereotypical fantasy of the ideal marriage. But I'm not sure if I will write that post or not (might feel too personal or private). But I will read the one you mention and see if I do have any comments. Nice blog, this is my first visit, after reading your comment on my site. Thanks.
    M

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  10. Those tips were all good. I only want to say don't take each other for granted is a very important one--that's the advice my mother gave us on our wedding day.

    And my two cents: put the other's needs not ahead of, but equal to and actually sometimes ahead of your own. If you get joy from making your spouse happy even when it might not be the easiest thing for you (that's what I mean by putting their needs first sometines) and supporting him or her, your relationship will thrive (as long as your spouse does the same for you).

    (Sorry for writing twice on one post!)
    M

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  11. I beg to offer up one more "C" ~ Communication. With mutual respect and consideration, and plenty of communication, I believe the sky's the limit.

    I got lots of good advice over the years to help keep me married. Unfortunately, I was staying married to the wrong man.

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  12. "Caring", "Commitment", and "Compromise"..and "Never stop Dating" sounds like excellent advice to me.
    Best relatdvice: never take each other for granted...may sound cliche, but I believe it encompasses the authors points.
    Worst relationship advice: You can never be too considerate of your mate. This may sound great in theory, but when you put it into practice, one becomes less aware of self, and so others focused, that the individual is lost. Trust me on this one.

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  13. That was a great post.I think the three C's sum up a good marriage rather well.But then compromise cannot be one sided.A 60:40 or even 70:30 may be okay but beyond that the words compromise and adjustment don't mean much.
    Andrew, I requet you to read 'A Saved Marriage in my blog posted in June '06 and comment.

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