Dismaying Story #32: To Procreate or Not to Procreate

Dear Andrew,

My husband and I have been married for 2.5 years and living together for 3.5 years. He's 33, I'm 35. I have been married / divorced once before (divorced six years before marrying again, btw) but I was my husband's first serious relationship of any kind.

Things were okay for about a year after we were married, but then some pretty serious problems involving finances, substance abuse and lack of communication began to arise, resulting from both of our behavior patterns, not just one of us. These issues resulted in our being separated for a year (my idea), but we recently moved back in together to try and work things out. The aforementioned issues are still present, but he and I are both trying to work on them; it's simply going to take some time to resolve them, particularly in regard to the finances. Our relationship is still fairly tumultuous but isn't as bad as it was before we separated; I think things could work out in the long run.

I've already had a Chapter 7 bankruptcy, but my husband still has something like $22,000 worth of credit card debt. Furthermore, we both have student loans that are in deferment (we're both part time students, looking to graduate within about 2.5 years). We share no credit card or bank accounts. We are trying to pay down the debt but with our meager income it will take years.

The issue is that my husband wants us to have children, and soon. Before I met him I never wanted children -- I never saw myself having a life conducive to family and my own family history is pretty dysfunctional to say the least -- mother married five times, father splitting when I was a baby, endless emotional strife at home, etc. My husband, though, is so warm and nurturing, the kind of person who would never abandon his family. I fell in love with the idea in a pipe-dream sort of way but I've always had serious practical questions. The romantic, sweet notion of having babies was nice while cuddling with my husband, but how could we pull it off while maintaining any sort of stable and secure lifestyle?

My husband is anxious to begin trying within a year. In terms of pure biology I can see his point but when viewed within the context of where we are in life it makes no sense to me. I would have to give up my job (daycare is far too expensive), curtail my schooling (career suicide for me) and assume pretty much sole responsibility for the house and offspring while my husband continues to work full time and go to school part time. Meanwhile, the credit card bills will continue to collect interest, the student loan companies will want their money and my husband's still meager salary couldn't possibly cover everything.

My husband dismisses my concerns as being overly negative and simply says things will work out somehow. Considering that I am expected to make the majority of the sacrifices, I'm having a hard time buying such cavalier statements. I love my husband but I don't think either of us (individually or as a couple) are ready to negotiate such an undertaking without an inevitably disastrous outcome. I'm afraid that if I suggest that we hold off for a few years that he will think that I'm cheating him out of something and will ask for a divorce.

Signed, Leery of Becoming a Mommy

Dear Leery,

I can't possibly come down unequivocally on one side or the other of your issue and say, "This is what I think you should do." It would be incredibly presumptuous of me to do so for such an important life decision. You obviously have concerns, however, and have asked me to provide an opinion on whether your concerns have merit. That I can certainly do.

I'd like to start with your last statement; you are afraid your husband might divorce you if you don't give in to his request. Worries over the tenuousness of your marriage might not be the best reason to consider having children. If the bond between the two of you is so weak that a disagreement like this would dissolve it, then you would likely be in danger of separating anyway when the extra stresses of raising children arrive. If your bond is strong, then the timing of when you have children should not be a make or break issue. Either way, the threat of divorce should not be enough to make you ignore all the other issues you mentioned; it should make you take them all the more seriously.

Let's assume you decide to have a baby within a year or two. Realistically, all the issues you mentioned will still be around; there is nothing to indicate you are on the verge of eradicating any of them from your life. Hopefully you are aware that adding an infant to the mix will not make any of those issues easier to deal with. Instead, you will have even more pressure:

• Your money situation will be worsened because of loss of your income plus considerable childcare expenses, even with you home full-time. Clothing, diapers, car seat, crib, toys, high chair, food -- they all cost money and plenty of it.
• Both you and your husband will be sleep deprived, even if you try to carry the bulk of the night-time responsibilities. If he thinks working full-time and studying part-time is a challenge, wait until he tries it with less sleep, an exhausted wife and a noisy child making it difficult to concentrate. And if things are tumultuous now, add in sleep deprivation and more stress -- the results are probably predictable.
• I am especially concerned about the substance abuse. I can't tell from your letter whether this is an issue for one or both of you, but either way the potential impacts on any child that enters your life are obvious, ominous and huge. I hope you would strongly consider dealing with this issue on its own before subjecting a child to its effects.
• You and your current husband have already separated once. Although you seem optimistic about the future, you must worry whether history will repeat itself, especially when the extra stresses I mentioned come into play. Where would that leave you? What would that mean for your child?

You need to have a realistic vision of what life might be like with a baby and ask yourself if you can live with that.

I have to wonder how much of your hesitation is actually fear based on your family history. You have been taught to expect instability and abandonment. You had always thought that you wouldn't be able to provide a stable lifestyle for children, even before your current husband came along. Without diminishing all those other concerns, you should ask yourself honestly how much these sorts of fears play into your decision making and whether you still believe them to be valid. I don't know the answers but I think you should ask the question.

Your age is also certainly a factor. You have a little wiggle room to wait but Mother Nature will shut the door before too many more years pass. If the two of you (and it should be both of you, not just one) truly yearn for tiny hugs in your life, I can understand how waiting much longer would be difficult for you.

In short, I agree that your concerns are valid. Many children are born into less than perfect life circumstances and manage to grow up despite their parents' struggles with life. Such families often face tremendous challenges, though, and that would almost certainly be true in your case. How much risk are the two of you willing to take? Only you and your husband can decide how to balance those factors. I hope you can reach a decision that works for both of you.

All the best,
Andrew

If you haven't already done so, now is your chance to check out this week's Ask the Faithful Readers question. I will post my personal favorite response on Saturday with a link to the winner's blog.

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Ask the Faithful Readers #2

Dear Faithful Reader,

Before we get to today's Dismaying Story, here is a question for you to consider. For many couples, their families of origin are very different. This often means the two of you have issues to work out. Joy Renee provided an example in her response to last week's question. Apparently her family are habitually late arrivers, while members of her husband's clan tend to show up early. This causes plenty of consternation for both Joy and her hubby when they are getting ready to go someplace. So here is this week's question:

What differences between your two families of origin have led to challenges for your relationship? Have you resolved them? If so, how?

Signed, The Inquiring Advice Guy

Comments are preferable for this one (rather than emails), since I'm sure everyone would like to see the responses. I will post my personal favorite next week with a link to the winner's blog.

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Dismaying Story #30: No More Time to Give

Dear Andrew,

My husband is a full-time college student and last year he opened up his own business / office. I have my own business to run, which takes about thirty hours a week of my time, plus I look after our three year old and do the domestic chores galore. I'm always picking up messes. I mow the lawn, take out the trash and it is a never ending circle. There is absolutely no "me" time.

Our financial situation adds to the stress. My husband's business only brought in $15K in profit last year, since much of the revenue went into covering the rent / utility / operating costs of his office. It seems to me it would make more financial sense to go back and run things from here at home, but his philosophy is "Once you step forward you don't ever step back." I have to do all the childcare because we don't have enough money for daycare. I sit here battling fleas and roaches because we can't afford an exterminator.

I believe I am giving 100% PLUS on the support side (I even help him with his homework!!) but now he's telling me to sit at his office and help out for hours during the week. I have two new customers of my own I can't get to -- I just don't have the time.

Am I stingy or something? Is it me? I'm sure feeling quite obstinate over this battle.

Signed, Overworked and Overstressed

Dear Overworked,

I had my scorecard out and a big black marker in my hand while I read your letter. Your husband has two full-time jobs. You have a three-quarters time "official" job. You are also a primary care mother and homemaker, which in my books is more like a job and a half. It runs from the moment you wake up until you give up on that last pile of laundry and go to bed at night. Add to that all the tasks your hubby might normally do if he were not so busy: the yard work and a portion of his homework. To be on the conservative side, I'll call that a quarter of a job, in the range of 10 hours a week or so.

So by my scorecard, here are the number of full-time jobs you are each currently doing:
Hubby - 2.0
You - 2.5

The 2.0 for your husband might be a little low, since new entrepreneurs are often forced to go the extra mile to try to get things moving. His number might be closer to 2.5 as well.

Let's just pause there for a moment and think about this. You are both putting in crazy long hours. You have virtually no time for yourself or, I'm betting, for your relationship. When was the last time the two of you went out and did something fun together? You have a small child at home, which is a joy but also means extra stress. Money is tight, which means your living conditions aren't exactly what you would like them to be, to say the least.

Criminy, is it any wonder there is tension between the two of you? You're living in a pressure cooker and the steam is turned up full blast.

A couple of things occur to me that you might want to think about. First, I believe it is a telltale sign that your husband is asking for more help from you. He may not have a good understanding of this situation from your point of view. It is unfortunately all too common in our society for people to downplay the effort involved with being a primary care parent and homemaker. I suspect in his mind the job scorecard might look something like this:
Hubby - 2.0
You - 0.75

He has two official jobs, while you "only" have a three-quarters job. Therefore, his harried and overworked brain reasons, you are the one with extra capacity. You are the one who should step up and help to bail the two of you out of this tight situation. As you know very well, that is simply not true. You barely have time to shave your legs let alone take on another part-time job with his business.

So one step you might take is to educate your husband about the workload involved with being a homemaker. The most effective method I have heard for this is to get him to take on your role for a few days. When Momma takes a trip and leaves Hubby in charge, he often has a much better appreciation for her workload by the time she returns. In fact, he usually can't wait to scurry back to the office so he can rest up.

My second concern has to do with the way the two of you work out compromises. You wonder whether out-of-home business premises make the most sense right now, but it is your husband's philosophy that determines the course. You used the word "telling" instead of "asking" when you said, "he's telling me to sit at his office..." Was that merely an unfortunate choice of word, or do you have somewhat of a "he tells, she listens" type of relationship? He is obviously comfortable asking you for help; are you equally comfortable stating your needs?

Many women are givers by nature. You give and you give and you wait for him to reciprocate ... and feel badly if it doesn't happen. Many men, on the other hand, will assume that if you're not asking, you don't need help. They assume this because that is how they operate.

Let's say the two of you are on your way to a wedding and he isn't quite sure how to find the church. He hasn't asked for help but you pipe up and offer to call somebody for directions. What is he likely to do? Many men will scowl and say, "I can find it." Unsolicited help can be an insult, an indication that you don't believe he is competent. Since men don't like to be offered unsolicited help, they are not always great at doing so for others. They will wait to be asked.

Do you ask your husband for help? I don't mean indirectly like, "I sure am tired today." I mean, "Will you take out the trash now please?" Some women contribute to your own workload because they don't realize how little they actually ask for help.

Finally, the two of you need a plan, a way to escape the pressure cooker. His plan is to get you to contribute more, to help his business succeed so it can take the two of you to the promised land. Since you have no more time to give right now, this seems to be an unrealistic plan.

What can you look forward to that will offer some relief? He will finish his studies at some point, which should help lessen the overall household work burden. If either or both of your businesses become more successful, the extra income can provide childcare, better living conditions and maybe even (dare to dream) help cleaning the house once a week. Money may not buy happiness, but it certainly can buy away some drudgery.

Those are medium-term measures, though. In the short-term it seems you and your husband have two choices. You can proceed as you are and keep your sanity by having faith that changes are coming down the road. Often it is easier to withstand hardship if you know (or even believe) that the cavalry is just over the next hill.

The other option is to open a vent in the cooker and release some steam right away. Do you truly believe that operating your husband's business from home is a better option right now? Might that save some money and make life a little easier? I have no way of knowing; perhaps he would lose customers without the image provided by having professional premises. Perhaps he would incur additional costs by breaking his lease and then having to re-establish the office later. I wonder, though -- have you presented your views on this matter and had a frank discussion about it with him? Or did you mention the idea briefly once and drop it as soon as he stated his "never retreat" philosophy? Yes it is his business, but this decision affects both of you, as well as your child. If you haven't already done so, you should take a hard, objective look at the issue and come to a joint decision.

I don't think you are stingy at all. You are simply already giving all you have to give. Hopefully these ideas might help you find some relief.

All the best,
Andrew

Do you have issues finding balance between your work and home life? Tell me about it and your submission might end up as a Dismaying Story.

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Those Dreaded Dismaying Questions

Well Faithful Readers, you really came through. Last Saturday I posted the first weekly Ask the Faithful Readers question and received more feedback than I have for any other single post. Thanks!

I asked you to tell me about questions you hate to hear from your spouse. I supplied "Does this dress make me look chunky?" as an example, so several readers talked about how honesty is usually the best policy in dealing with uncomfortable questions from your significant other. The consensus seems to be that the initial discomfort that might come from telling the truth is a small price to pay for the trust that results.

Other responses fell into several categories:

Implied Criticism

Sometimes your spouse might ask you a question that makes you boil inside because it sounds like they are criticizing something you have done, or perhaps that you are about to do. Examples submitted by readers include:

"Is that what you're going to wear?"
"How much is it going to cost?"
"How much did you spend?"
"Were you at Barnes & Noble again?" (which is really about the spending)
"Are you sure you want another drink?"

To me, these questions relate to the level of trust between spouses, as well as a need for a certain amount of autonomy. Let's say you are watching your pennies in your household and your spouse says, "I need to buy X." There might be an immediate temptation to say " How much is it going to cost?" or "Be careful, we're running a little close to the budget this week." Now if your spouse has been truly doing a lousy job of keeping to the budget the two of you agreed upon, then maybe it is reasonable to raise the subject and try to get back onto the same page. Saying something like that every time the subject of spending comes up, however, is likely to be counterproductive.

Your spouse knows you have a budget. They understand as well as you do when things are tight. By reminding them every time, you imply that they don't get it, or that they are probably irresponsible and need you to provide oversight for their activities. That's kind of insulting, don't you think? Are you really telling them anything they don't already know? Probably not.

Something We Feel Guilty About

The question about "How much did you spend?" can make us uncomfortable in more than one way, because maybe we already know we spent too much and we don't want to be reminded of it. Another guilt-inducer is: "Have you been working on your thesis?"

Things We Don't Want to Do

Any relationship is a give and take. I help you and you do nice things for me. There are times, however, when our spouse asks us to do something and we just cringe inside. This is really not something we want to do right now. Here are your examples:

"Would you rub / scratch my back?" (which can be especially loathsome when you are tired and only want to sleep)
"Will you come into the office and help out with my business?"

At their core, these boil down to topics about which we need to negotiate with our spouse. Sometimes the negotiation consists of "I'm too tired." (*roll over*) Other times, for example in the case of helping at the office, the discussion might be more protracted.

Raising an Uncomfortable Subject

The question I supplied (about dress designers who put seams in entirely the wrong places) brings up a topic that might be uncomfortable to some -- her chunkiness or lack thereof. This may be something you would simply prefer not to have to discuss. Similar examples from readers include:

"Is my bald spot noticeable?"
"Were you about to say something?" (...when you were about to say something, but then decided you didn't want to raise that uncomfortable subject)

In Dismaying Story #5: Hot & Cold Buttons, I discussed being careful how you approach subjects about which your partner is sensitive. These questions raise a similar issue, when you force your partner to offer opinions about your hot button topics.

Questions We Cannot Answer

You know the feeling, when your spouse asks you a question and you feel like saying, "How should I know?"

You told me about these ones:

"How much is it going to cost?"
"What do you want for supper?" (when supper is a long way off and the furthest thing from your mind)
"Where do you want to go to eat?" (when you are tired and hungry and utterly incapable of making one more decision)
"Where is my watch?"

And Finally, The Winning Category: Pure Frustration

I could almost sense you gritting your teeth as you typed a few of your submissions. These are questions where your spouse is being insensitive, maybe a little vain, or maybe is just plain wrong. Examples include any question asked while you are on the phone (and can't answer without being rude to the person on the other end) and "You really enjoyed that didn't you honey?" (after sex)

A big "Congratulations!" for submitting my personal favorite goes out to Dreaming Again who maintains a blog called Pearls And Dreams (among others). She experiences pure frustration when her husband asks:

Why didn't you tell me?

I DID!

No, you didn't

Yes, I did!

No, you didn't. I pay attention, I know what I've been told and what I haven't been told. I'm sick and tired of everyone saying they've told me something they haven't told me.

(me thinking ...everyone ...so it's not JUST me ...hmmmm...so I'm not the central problem here?)

I did tell you ... we were in the car on the way to church, and I told you XYZ.

Well, you shouldn't have told me then. I wasn't thinking about what we would be doing this week. I never pay attention to what's coming during the week on Sundays! You should tell me at a time I'm going to be paying attention to you!

eyeeyeyeyeyeeyeyeyeyeyeyeyeey *smacks head*

Now what could I possibly add to that? Thanks again, everyone, for all your contributions.

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Dismaying Story #29: ISI:Blogspot

Have you ever caused a scene? An interpersonal scene? Well, welcome to ISI:Blogspot. That's "Interpersonal Scene Investigation." The relevance will be clear in a moment.

A big thank you for today's question goes out to Lizza, who maintains a blog called I Am Woman, See Me Blog!.

My posts over the last few days have been in response to serious questions from readers with significant stresses in their lives. Today is a little different, more of a "what if" scenario. A few days ago Lizza posted the following:

I haven't been watching TV lately, but last night I did some catching up (if you can call enjoying a trifecta of CSI re-runs catching up). They were all good, but the CSI:New York episode I saw was particularly interesting.

It went something like this. There was a woman working as a hostess in an upscale restaurant. She'd get the calling cards that male guests would leave in the restaurant's card bowl. Then she'd call them up anonymously and start the conversation with the line "My cat is in your garden." Many of the guys were intrigued by her approach and several of them ended up having phone sex with her. She never told them who she was or where she got their numbers; she'd call them a number of times over a span of weeks until they became obsessed with those calls. She agrees to meet one of them for some nookie -- and is found dead shortly after.

Some of this sounds strange to me. I do understand that a guy who has anonymous phone sex for a period of time might want to take it a step further, to meet her personally and have honest to goodness, real sex with her. But what if when he meets her for the first time he sees that she's actually butt-ugly, or that she has halitosis, or that she bears a strong resemblance to a purple female dinosaur? Would the fantasy that he's built up in his head about her over the weeks be strong enough to override her faults -- would he still go ahead with the tryst?

The idea that men can get turned on by anonymous conversations (even if it's sex talk) with women about whom they know nothing seems strange to me too. If I answer the phone and some male stranger feeds me a line like "My cat is in your garden," I'd hang up pronto. Men are from Mars, women are from Venus indeed.

I think I'll go ask Andrew what he thinks about this aspect of the difference between men and women. He's kind of like the Gil Grissom of interpersonal relations.

Dear Lizza,

I don't think I've ever been compared to a TV star like that before. Hopefully I can live up to your apparent confidence.

I called the CSI:New York producer and you'll be happy to know he agreed with you. He had to acknowledge they dropped the ball with that particular show. An entire side to the investigation had not been addressed -- the interpersonal side. So I dipped into my operating budget and flew to New York. After all, no effort is too much when it comes to satisfying my Faithful Readers. The CSI cast members were most helpful, walking me through the crime scene and making it possible for me to reconstruct the interpersonal scene. By examining the spots where the hostess had been when she talked with those men, I was able to determine the angles she used and how her words impacted her targets. I also went back to the lab and mixed a few solutions to test the chemistry between them. I even interviewed a few of the survivors and, lo and behold, their psyches still bear telltale imprints from the verbal barbs she shot at them. It was all very illuminating.

Some parts of that situation sound strange to you? I have to tell you, Lizza, pretty much all of it sounds strange to me. What would possess a young woman to phone a series of strange men and try to initiate phone sex with them? Extreme loneliness? A streak of perversion where she got some sort of thrill from it? Or perhaps she had some more mundane motive, like wanting to put them in a position where she could blackmail them for money. Either way, I can't imagine that very many women would or could actually make those phone calls.

Your questions, though, have to do with the men. Let's start with the issue of whether a guy in full sexual conquest mode might go into emergency retreat if the girl turns out not to be attractive to him. First of all, I don't believe there is any such thing as an ugly girl. The perception of attractiveness is entirely a characteristic of the beholder (in this case the guy), not of the girl. I'm sure we all know people whom we personally do not find attractive, but they have a spouse so obviously someone else has a different perception. I believe everybody, and I mean literally everybody, is attractive to someone, usually a very large group of potential someones.

I know what you mean by your question, though. What is likely to happen when the guy arrives all charged up, only to meet someone to whom he is really, really not attracted? It is well known that willing sex partners are harder to come by for unattached men than they are for women, so I suspect some men would be undeterred. Others would find a (hopefully, but not necessarily, graceful) way to extricate themselves from the situation.

If you want to conduct an experiment to test my theory, simply drop by any bar about half an hour before closing time and have a look around. I bet you'll see a number of "experimental trials" underway, several of which are likely to end with two people hooking up who probably would not have found each other attractive a few hours (and several drinks) before.

I'm a little confused as to where you got your idea that guys might be attracted to purple dinosaurs. I polled several guys I know and less than thirty percent of them rated the image on the right as "hot." Maybe guys are a little different where you are from, in which case you should be extremely careful while you are out conducting that experiment.

Now, about the idea that guys might respond positively to an anonymous female caller. Personally, such a call would make the hair on the back of my neck stand up and I would be off the phone in short order. Is it conceivable, though, that the CSI writers were correct -- that some guys would continue with the call? I suspect so. Guys are typically the hunters, not the hunted, so speaking with an anonymous female caller is nowhere near as threatening as it would be if the genders were reversed. Some guys would likely be weirded out and call it quits when she steered the conversation toward phone sex. A few of the more adventuresome sorts, though, would undoubtedly hang in there for the entire experience. The bottom line: some Martians would talk to the brazen Venusian, while others would pay attention to their bizarre-meter and bail out.

I hope that helps Lizza! Thanks for thinking of me.

All the best,
Andrew

Today is the last day to take part in this week's Ask the Faithful Readers question. I will post my favorite response tomorrow and a new question on Saturday.

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Care, Give, Repeat

Dear Andrew,

You know how when married or long-term couples talk to new couples about the courting phase in the relationship? The phase where everything is wonderfully romantic, sexy and polite? The established couples warn the newbies about how he's only like that when he's courting. Well, for me, it's true.

When I first met my husband, he was so thoughtful, romantic and engaging. After we got married, that period of romance lasted about six months. Ever since then I get remembered when he wants to have sex.

I've planned all of our date nights, anniversaries, and birthdays, otherwise we'd just sit at home all the time. Frankly I'm feeling a bit taken for granted. We've talked about my need for romance and feeling special, and his response is he's just not a romantic guy. Ok, fine.

I established with him only 5 days a year where I feel he needs to make the extra effort - Christmas, New Years, our anniversary, Valentines Day and my birthday. Not once in the last two years has any of these had any special-ness to them. His idea of planning ahead for one of those days is to buy the gift certificate the morning of, after I reminded him about it, so he has something to give me later in the day. I know we need to talk about this again but I don't know how to go about it so that I make sure he understands my need and he doesn’t feel defensive.

Signed, Is It So Much To Ask?

Dear Is It,

I'm pretty sure I know what's going on here and I've devised a questionnaire you can fill out to test my theory:

1. Say you want your bedroom painted. The colors are faded with age and don't match the new bedspread. He is more likely to:
a) Figure out on his own that you would like the room painted, suggest the two of you go to the paint store so you can pick the color, decide on his own initiative which day he will get the job done and actually follow through on his plan.
b) Ignore any subtle hints about the need to paint. Instead, let you pick a painting day and cajole him into stepping up.
c) Withstand in silence your repeated requests to paint, until he finally starts looking under "P" for Painter in the yellow pages.
d) Marvel at the hand prints he can make on the wall while you paint the room.

2. It's a typical weekday morning at your house. Everyone is running five minutes later than they'd like to be, as usual, and the kids' lunches still need to be made. (If you don't have children, just use your imagination -- work with me here!). He would:
a) Have the lunches made by the time you arrived in the kitchen, even though you never mentioned it.
b) Happily make the lunches, but only if you ask him to do so.
c) Sigh and make the lunches if you insist.
d) Complain that you put more Tootsie Rolls in Suzie's lunch than you did in his.

3. Your husband decides to rekindle his childhood interest in fishing.
a) You can tell he is interested but you have to convince him it's okay to take some time for himself occasionally.
b) He buys a simple fishing rod at Kmart and heads to a nearby stream on a semi-regular basis, but only when there's nothing much going on at home.
c) A fancy rod and full tackle box appear in the hall closet. His desire to take off most weekends starts interfering with other things that need to be done.
d) The shelves in your garage are suddenly loaded with the Binford 2000 series of sonar fish finders and nuclear fish de-boners, though these items are never there on the weekends or Wednesday evenings because your husband has them out on the lake.

As you can probably tell from these questions, I believe your issue is about more than just romance.

It is normal for you and your husband to care about different things. Decorating the bedroom is important for you, while he could live with the ugly beige forever. He'd like a big-screen TV for the rec room so he can watch the football games in style; you'd be perfectly content with a less expensive 19-inch model. In strong relationships, both partners care about the other's happiness. They each truly hope their spouse will have what they want in life. When there is a conflict, they look for win-win solutions as much as possible. Sure, you look out for your own needs, but compromises tend to be found more easily when both people are also interested in the needs of their partner.

In your situation, it seems your husband's needs for companionship and closeness are more easily met than your own. He is happy to simply hang around with you on a regular basis, with the occasional bit of intimacy thrown in. As you've described, you want and need more. Both sets of needs seem normal and reasonable to me. The issue is how you respond to them as a couple.

When he says, "I'm not a romantic guy," he is also saying, "Since this is something I don't need, I'm not going to bother taking care of it." In a sense it's like that bedroom you want painted. This is one of your desires, not his, so it is less likely to make his priority list.

Of course, the romance did rank high on his list for a while, back when it was new and exciting. He wanted something very much (that would be you, which is a good thing) and he was willing to put in the effort to make it happen. This just shows he is not lacking the romance gene. Instead the problem is a lack of motivation. He no longer perceives the romance to be as important.

I think you have recognized that his needs in the romance department are different from your own. You have acted on that knowledge in a giving way by allowing him to ignore the issue for most of the year. You have also asked him to step up on certain occasions, which means you have tried to look out for your own needs. By looking for middle ground and offering a compromise, your actions line up well with the sort of ideal approach I discussed above.

Your husband, though, could use some remedial help if he hopes to achieve a passing grade in Caring & Giving 101. He must realize that your desire for loving and recognition is not some frivolous thing; your needs are real and tremendously important. They are important because the bond of closeness between the two of you will never be as strong as it can be until they are met. This part is about being empathetic, being able to view the world through someone else's eyes and realize that viewpoint matters.

Then he must move beyond realization to the point where if something is important to you, that is enough to make it important to him. You want him to care about you, which means caring about what you need.

Finally, it's not enough for him to carry all those warm and fuzzy messages around inside. He must care enough to actually do something about it. That includes taking the initiative without being prompted or reminded. This is true whether we're talking about painting the bedroom, supporting you in your decision to take that Monday evening creative writing class, or bringing home flowers once in a while just because he thinks you are special.

Such behavior is not innate; it is something we learn to do, that we choose to do. Your husband has not yet fully stepped up to the level of caring and giving that can make a relationship so rewarding for both partners. He can do it -- we all can -- but so far he has chosen not to do so. I don't blame you for feeling like you are taken for granted.

Okay, so what can you do about it. There are at least two approaches you could try. One is simply to be honest and up-front. Explain your position in as even-handed a way as you can. You realize he doesn't understand how important your needs are in the caring and giving department. Tell him why your needs truly are important, not just for you but also for the two of you. This "why" part is critical; he must be sold on that or he is unlikely to change.

Then state as simply and as specifically as you can what you want him to do. Avoid saying general things like, "I want you to be more supportive." Such generalities often leave guys feeling frustrated, like they don't know what they're supposed to do. Get specific on the man, even if it means repeating what you have already told him. "I want you to put in some effort. That means remembering my birthday is coming (put it in a day timer if you have to), figuring out what I would like (ask if you need to, but don't wait for me to bring it up), buying it ahead of time and without being reminded, wrapping it and delivering it on time." Be firm without being argumentative. This is what you need and you want him to step up. As we have seen from the comments in response to the last few Dismaying Stories, simple honesty is often the best way straight through a problem.

Unfortunately many obstacles can trip you up along this road. You are correct to be concerned about possible defensiveness on his part. No matter how nicely you try to state a request for change, it can be easy to sound like you are criticizing, blaming and demanding. Most people hate being told what to do, and will dig in their heels stubbornly when made to feel that way. Obviously you would like to avoid that.

Other potential land mines include his fear of the unknown. When you start asking for change, he is unsure exactly what these changes will entail. What if this is going to mean a lot of extra work on his part? What if he hates it? The prospect of change can be stressful by itself, prompting many people to get busy proving why things are just fine the way they are, thank you very much.

To avoid all of this, another approach you might try is to gradually show him that good things come from being caring and giving. (This is a topic we will get into in depth as The Hunt for the Vacuum Cleaner Gene progresses.) Catch him giving to you or the kids in any way you can (even if it's only taking out the garbage) and show him how much you appreciate that sort of thing.

Ask him to give in small ways, tasks that are less of a stretch for him than being proactive about Christmas. Do you find yourself taking care of all the little things that need doing around your house? Well maybe you ask him to run and get the milk once in a while. Remember the Permission Paradox and, again, show appreciation whenever he steps up. Over time he should begin to understand and trust what your reaction will be to this sort of thing. It will likely be easier and easier for you to ask him to care and give in larger ways. Eventually the idea of giving in the romance department should feel like less of a stretch for him.

Finally, perhaps some of the Faithful Readers have had to deal with similar issues. How about it folks -- can any of you suggest an approach that worked for you?

Hopefully the end result will be a husband who gets it ... and acts accordingly.

Best of luck!
Andrew

P.S. I have this sudden urge to go check out one of those atomic-powered fish thingies.

Is something missing from your relationship? Tell me about it and your submission just might end up as a Dismaying Story.

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Dismaying Story #27: Raw Feelings Over Raw Images

Dear Andrew,

My husband was addicted to pornography, no question about it. He maintains it was not an addiction, even though it took a separation to get him to quit. For instance he thought it was okay to look at porn with our infant son in the same room. The baby couldn't see the computer, however.

He no longer looks at porn (without me) but I still feel we will never agree on its harmful effects on a marriage, which is unfortunate. I am interested in your thoughts on this.

Signed, Wishing He Understood

Dear Wishing,

The effect of pornography on a marriage varies tremendously depending upon whose marriage we are discussing. To many people the whole concept is completely abhorrent and any involvement would be a deal breaker. Given the financial success of adult films, magazines and web sites, other people are obviously more comfortable with this type of material and choose to partake. Some of the material is even designed specifically to be viewed by couples. The most relevant question, though, doesn't seem to be how porn might impact marriages in general, but instead how the issue should be treated in your specific marriage.

For some the difference between acceptance and revulsion might be a matter of personal taste, while others have strong moral and ethical views on the subject. I am not going to focus on these types of issues for a couple of reasons. For one, whatever opinions I might have are no more valid than the next person's. I don't consider this to be a forum to expound on my personal views. Second, these issues need not be settled in order to address the matter at hand. Instead I'll approach this from a practical viewpoint: How does this issue affect the relationship between these two people? What might be done about it?

The impact here is obvious; you hate it. Your husband's behavior is so upsetting to you that you separated for a while because of it. Even now, despite a supposed resolution of the matter, his attitude bothers you enough that you have sought advice from an outside source. You have obviously argued over this issue and your feelings remain hurt, badly it seems. The bond of trust and closeness between the two of you is no doubt weakened, which must affect everything from the general mood in your home to how you feel about being intimate with your husband.

From your husband's point of view, he probably resents the fact that your relationship is strained. He has undoubtedly said things to you like, "It's no big deal. Everyone does it." He wishes you would relax and stop treating it like the crime of the century, and he's probably frustrated that you don't.

Let's start with his assumption that all guys look at porn. Well, no, they don't. Plenty of men do, otherwise the porn industry wouldn't be raking in multi-billion dollar revenues, but that's a long way from "everyone." Let's go out on a limb, though, and suppose for a moment that your husband is right. Let's assume that every other man on the planet is a regular viewer of pornography. Does that mean it should be okay for him to do the same?

Absolutely not.

I feel like asking for a cell phone so I can talk directly with this guy. I want to say, "Listen up, buddy. What don't you get about your situation? Your marriage is in trouble. Your ... wife ... isn't ... HAPPY!" That alone should be enough to get any loving, supportive husband to sit up and pay attention.

As for him viewing porn in the same room as your infant son, you'd have to search hard and long to find many people who think that one is okay. Would you make love in the same room with your baby? I didn't think so.

It doesn't take much head scratching to understand how porn can be immensely threatening for many women. You want to feel like you are the most special person on the planet to your husband. Your relationship is supposed to be monogamous, which means his desire for intimacy should be satisfied by coming to you, not by turning to other women. When he is getting his jollies by looking at others, the implication is that you are not enough for him, that these other women are superior or more fulfilling. Worse than that, even pictures of other women are somehow preferable, when you are right there in the flesh. I could go on.

It doesn't really matter which of these many reasons applies to you; your dissatisfaction is clearly justifiable. He needs to come to the realization that your pain is real and, as long as his attitude stays the same, you will continue to hurt. It doesn't matter if he thinks porn is okay. What matters is that your marriage will never be right until the two of you are on the same page with this issue, and there is no way you will ever have a pain-free existence on his page.

Your husband must choose which is more important to him, your love and happiness ... or his belief that the nudie pix are no big deal. He must choose because it is impossible for him to have both. You will never be happy if he continues to exhibit the same sort of attitude, nor will the loving bond you feel for your husband be as close as it can and should be.

More than that, he must quit looking at porn. Period, full stop. He must swear off the stuff and say, "Honey, you are way more important to me than those pictures, or anything else for that matter. You are all the stimulation I am ever going to need." It's time for him to leave that chapter behind and start rebuilding your relationship by showing you how special you are to him.

Here is why I bring this up even though you say he has already quit. His desire was so strong it took a separation to get his attention. Your obvious unhappiness was not enough to do it. That's a powerful desire in my books. Now that you're back together, you say he only looks at porn when he is with you. It's pretty obvious you don't like the stuff, which means it was his idea. He wants it so badly that he has talked you into some sort of involvement, even though he knows it is an extremely touchy subject for you. He still has the computer, so he has the opportunity to indulge whenever you leave the house.

But he chooses not to do so?

Hmmm. That's theoretically possible, I suppose, but highly doubtful. I suspect you still have doubts too. If he were truly reformed, he wouldn't still claim it is okay and it wouldn't bother you enough to write to me.

I suggest you discuss with him the points in this article. You might even ask him to read it if you are comfortable doing so. Hopefully his love for you will be enough to steer him in the right direction.

I wish you all the best,
Andrew

Is there some issue driving a wedge between you and your significant other? Send me an email if you would like to hear my perspective. Comments entered using the link below can be anonymous and the identity of email respondents always remains confidential.

Remember to submit your entry for the Ask the Faithful Readers question. I will pick my favorite response and post it on Friday with a link to the winner's blog.

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Dismaying Story #26: Too Much Water Under the Bridge?

This is the second of two posts today, both of which are part of a continuing series entitled The Hunt for the Vacuum Cleaner Gene. This series uncovers the many excuses we use to perpetuate some old-fashioned stereotypes. Many people believe it is normal and inevitable for women to be responsible for the bulk of the housework and parenting within their household. This series includes motivational posts that argue "why" these beliefs are largely unfounded, as well as instructional posts that move on to discuss "how to" effect change in your household. Both of today’s entries are "why" topics.

Dear Andrew,

I’ve been married for almost twenty years and my husband has hardly made a bed or cooked a meal the entire time. Okay, maybe things would have turned out differently if I had put my foot down when we were first married but I know it’s too late now. He’s too set in his ways. It makes no sense to raise a big squawk when nothing will change anyway.

Signed, Too Late to Change

Dear Never Too Late,

I understand your concern; changing long-standing relationship behavior patterns can seem like a tremendous challenge. Your housework habits are deeply ingrained, as are your husband’s. He may be fully convinced by now that your workload split is based on valid reasons and should always remain the same.

Don’t you believe it. Just because a deal has been in place for a long time doesn’t make it a good idea. For example, slavery and dictators have been around for thousands of years but most people today recognize them as flawed concepts. If you’ve been doing more than your share of the family work for some time, it doesn’t logically follow that you always should.

That raw deal you accepted earlier in your relationship is still as unfair today as it was back then, which means all the same reasons for abolishing it are still around. Has it caused tension in your household? Do you sometimes feel resentment towards your husband over it? Many overworked wives do, and I’ve never met a couple whose relationship was strengthened by resentment.

I just don’t buy the argument that couples reach some magic point in their relationship when it becomes too late to make improvements. Does that happen after twenty years of marriage? After ten years? Or two? Maybe it’s when one of you becomes convinced this is the way it’s going to be for the rest of forever. If that were the case then the direction for many marriages would be cast in stone from day one, because many of us develop preconceptions during childhood by watching how our parents share housework.

Any personal relationship, including your marriage, can begin moving in a new direction at any time because of one simple fact; you constitute half of the relationship. Change your own behavior and you affect the dynamics between the two of you. The trick, of course, is to understand what you should do so your husband is most likely to respond favorably. Stay tuned, because that’s where this series is headed.

All the best!
Andrew

Don't leave now, Faithful Reader -- you can find today's other post in Dismaying Stories #24 and #25: My Husband Loves Me, This I Know...

If you haven't already done so, don't forget to submit your entry for Saturday's Ask the Faithful Readers question. This coming Friday I will pick my favorite response and feature it in a post with a link to the winner's blog.

As always, feel free to send in an email with any relationship questions you might have or leave a comment using the link below.

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Dismaying Stories #24 and #25: My Husband Loves Me, This I Know...

This is the first of two posts today, both of which are part of a continuing series entitled The Hunt for the Vacuum Cleaner Gene. This series uncovers the many excuses we use to perpetuate some old-fashioned stereotypes. Many people believe it is normal and inevitable for women to be responsible for the bulk of the housework and parenting within their household. This series includes motivational posts that argue "why" these beliefs are largely unfounded, as well as instructional posts that move on to discuss "how to" effect change in your household. Both of today’s posts discuss "why" topics.


Dear Andrew,

I do the cooking, cleaning and child care at my house and that is not going to change. This is because of our religious beliefs, not because my husband is stubborn or lazy. We are taught that the man is the head of the household, so there is nothing I can do about my workload. Our faith is such a great comfort to us all that I accept willingly any costs that come with it.

Signed, Content With My Role

Dear Content,

I’m a big believer in equality of all people but I would never challenge anyone’s right to their own religious convictions. I also realize that some people might be perfectly happy to accept extra work if it gains them other benefits in return. There is no such thing as a one-size-fits-all deal. If you are truly happy with your lot in life, feel free to scroll past this article and go in peace.

To me, however, your story seems to have two sides. You mention the positive aspects but also refer to the costs of your workload. I bet you end up just as exhausted and overwhelmed as any other woman who manages an entire household by herself, regardless of the reasons behind your choices. I also suspect that many women in your situation would welcome some relief from the work if everything else could remain the same. With that in mind, you might appreciate the message of hope in the following story.

Dear Andrew,

Based on our religion, I’ve always been taught that I should love my wife and take care of my family. I’m the head of our household but I don’t think of that as the authority to do whatever I want. To me it means I’m responsible for making sure everyone is okay. My wife did most of the cooking and cleaning when we were first married, then our children were born and the amount of work exploded. She was tired all the time and began to have less and less patience with the kids—and with me. Everyone in the house was getting cranky. We talked about it and realized this had a lot to do with my decision to leave all the family work to her. Now I’m a regular Mr. Mom and the general mood in our house is much improved. My daughter even likes my pancakes better than her mother’s.

Signed, Proud Dad

Dear Proud,

Not everyone agrees on how to interpret the many issues related to family roles and religion. In your case, you are obviously willing to do what you believe is best for everyone in your family. This shows how much you care about your wife and children. Hopefully your insights will provide courage and inspiration to other men and women facing similar challenges.

Sincerely,
Andrew

Do you have a problem in your relationship that you believe is impossible to change? Take a moment today to send in an email or leave a comment using the link below.

Also, if you haven't already done so, now is your chance to review Saturday's Ask the Faithful Readers question and let the rest of us know what you think. This coming Friday I will pick my favorite response and feature it in a post with a link to the winner's blog.

Today's other post: Dismaying Story #26: Too Much Water Under the Bridge?

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Dismaying Story #23: Is She Really Going Out With Him?

A big thank you for today's question goes out to Kellie, who maintains a blog called Floating Through the Drama. Kellie writes:

Dear Andrew,

Why do men fall for dumb girls? Correction. Why do smart men fall for dumb girls?

I've recently watched a new relationship bloom. The cast- two people. You guessed it- a smart Man. Funny. Sharp. Good looking. All in all, what I would label as "a catch." His counterpart ... less so. Cute. Great body. But all things added together, just another cute girl.

It's not the first time I have witnessed such a dynamic. Why does it seem that men in power seem to want a woman who is weak? I know I am generalizing right now, but come on! Why don't more men want a partner?

I mean a true partner. One who can connect with them in ways that, gulp, don't involve their penis? A woman who will argue with them, speak her mind, and tell them when they are full of it.

I know they are out there. Trust me, I married one. I guess the question of the day is, what's up with that?

Signed, Kellie

Dear Kellie,

Your question reminds me the Joe Jackson song Is She Really Going Out With Him?, which begins: "Pretty women out walking with gorillas down my street..."

The common link here is an apparent mismatch between partners. Besides the case you mentioned, other examples include:

• Nice girls with bad boys;
• Pretty girls with homely men (which seems to be what Joe is moaning about in his lyrics);
• The filthy rich linking up with someone from the wrong side of the tracks;
• An overbearing woman with a subservient guy;
• A popular "in crowd" member marrying the social outcast; and
• The Jack Spratt scenario, matching the athletic with the slothful.

Most people seem to seek out a partner similar to themselves in many respects. When a couple doesn't meet this expectation in some obvious way, we tend to have Kellie's reaction: "What's up with that?"

The world is full of just about every flavor of individual you can imagine. Chances are there are plenty of cases where power hungry men have snared trophy wives for reasons other than their scintillating intellect. I doubt this is the case in most instances, however.

Ask yourself this: how many truly shallow, power hungry people do you know? I'm not talking about someone you assume to be like that because their spouse seems to be subservient. I mean someone whom you know to have those characteristics based on how they state their goals in life, the way they conduct themselves in their job and so on. I bet you might know one or two, but this probably does not describe the majority of your acquaintances.

Now, how many of your friends would you guess carry around some level of insecurity in their souls? Just about everyone on the planet maybe?

The little critic who dwells within each of us might look at the mismatched couple and latch onto a cynical explanation. After all, our usual "like attracting like" expectation has not been met, so we seek other reasons. I expect the vast majority of mismatched couples, however, get together for exactly the same reasons the rest of us do, because they make each other feel good in some way. The attraction may not be obvious to others but that's hardly the point, is it? When you were about to be married, did you go around asking people for permission to love your husband-to-be? No, you had your own reasons and that was good enough for you.

So let's go back to your example of the catch-of-the-day guy with "just another cute girl." In all likelihood these are two people with typical human frailties. Is it possible this apparently confident guy actually has low self-esteem and this young lady puts him at ease? Could she have qualities many of her friends have never discovered, such as a quiet sense of humor or incredible compassion? Upon getting to know her, might he uncover this treasure trove and be attracted to her for those reasons? Based on the observations I made above, I suspect this type of explanation is more common than the trophy wife scenario.

I also see many people react to some common cues when dating. They view someone as fun, interested in the same type of entertainment as themselves, physically attractive, maybe "exciting" in some way, so they hook up and party on. It's only later when we have three kids, two mini-vans, a golden retriever and a mortgage that we learn there are other important characteristics in a life partner - things like ambition and work ethic so you can help raise a family, the ability to handle the stresses of adult life with grace and humor so you're not a nightmare to live with, willingness to change diapers and buy groceries, and so on. The young woman with the belt-like miniskirt and the young man with the Corvette might be fun on a teenage Saturday night, but they might also be a distinct drag on a 35-year-old Tuesday morning. So another possible answer is that your hunky guy may be focusing on only a few of her, shall we say, more noticeable traits. He might not realize until later that he values other qualities in a partner.

I wonder how many of my readers thought through the whole "Will they be good with diapers?" scenario before getting married. I bet many didn't, which would make your mismatched couple rather ... normal, I'd say.

All the best,
Andrew

Do you see relationships that puzzle you? Take a moment to send me a question or leave a comment using the link below.

If you haven't already done so, don't forget to check out Saturday's Ask the Faithful Readers question. This coming Friday I will pick my favorite response and feature it in a post with a link to the winner's blog. I plan to make this a regular Saturday feature.

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Ask the Faithful Readers #1 - Questions You Hate Your Spouse to Ask

It's the weekend so I thought I'd try something fun and different. Several of you have submitted wonderful questions about important issues in your lives, which I appreciate very much. (And I have some interesting topics lined up for the next few days, so stay tuned.) Today, though, I want to turn the tables and ask your opinion on an issue of my choosing.

Dear Faithful Reader,

Does your spouse ever ask you a question that makes you groan inside? ...or maybe even outside? You know what I'm talking about, where you just want to say, "I wish you wouldn't ask me that!"

I sometimes hear about "no-win" questions, where all possible answers seem laden with problems. Consider this one: "Honey, does this dress make me look chunky?"

How might a husband respond? Let's try, "Yes, I'm afraid it does."

Uhhh ... no. That's a complete wash-out on so many levels. So how about:

"No, of course it doesn't make you look chunky."
"Oh you wouldn't tell me even if it did."
*sigh*

So I'd like to know: What question / request do you hate hearing from your spouse?

Signed, The Inquiring Advice Guy

Comments are probably preferable for this one (rather than emails), since I'm sure everyone would like to see the responses. As a small perk, I'll pick my favorite response and feature it in a post of its own, with a link back to the winner's blog.

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Living the Story

The following is a response I received to Still Chasing That Excitement. My thanks go out to this young woman who has "been there, done that" and is willing to share the benefit of her experience:

Dear Andrew

I can't help responding after I read "Still Chasing That Excitement", not necessarily to you but to the woman who wrote in asking for advice. I want to share my own experience.

When I finished high school I had an inferiority complex. I had dated a grand total of two people and I never clicked with any of them. They were relationships of context, rather than of feeling. I believed no one could love me because I was ugly and stupid and so on. I'm sure this sounds familiar to many of your readers.

When I entered university I met a guy. He liked me and he did all the right things to go out with me. He asked my phone number, called to ask me out, took me to a movie, then took my hand in his ... all the right steps, just as it was supposed to be. I couldn't believe it. Somebody liked me. And then he said he loved me.

We dated for two years. It was nice but when he asked me to move in with him I just panicked. What?! No way. I was too young, there was no freedom, there was nothing. I already spent enough time with him; there's no way I could have had more. I remember telling my sister exactly what "Still Going Crazy" says: "I wish I had met him later. He'd be perfect to meet at 30 when you want to marry. Right now I'm not ready for this."

So we broke up. I spent two years being single and happy about it. The more free time I had, the more I realized how much he and this relationship had suffocated me. How good it was to be on my own again. My fears that I would end up alone without him were wrong. I could make lots of friends (which I did). I could just have fun (which I did).

A year ago I met someone again. Two weeks later I already knew this was going to be it. When you are meant to be with someone you just know it. Do I still have my doubts? Of course. I keep wondering if I'm good enough for him, if he's going to find someone better. But I know that I love him. I don't doubt it. I know that if I had my way I'd stay with him my whole life and I know that I won't change my mind. I moved in with him after less than a year. I'm more grown-up now so you might say this helped change my attitude. It might be so, but I had that attitude until I met my current partner. I strongly believe that if my former boyfriend had been the right guy I never would have panicked the way I did.

When something's wrong you feel it. It manifests itself in many ways: desire to cheat, boredom, suffocation, panic, desire to run and so on. He might be a nice guy and the kind you think it would be nice to marry (like I said about my first boyfriend) but if he's not for you, he just isn't. That's the way life is.

Sincerely, A Former Cynic

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Dismaying Story #22: Do Guys Like Funny Girls?

Dear Andrew,

This BBC article reports on a survey that bothers me. It claims many men are not attracted to funny women and instead find them threatening. Apparently guys like girls with a sense of humor but not if that means having a laugh at the guy's expense. This worries me because I have an off-the-wall sense of humor ... it's been called a "cerebral" sense of humor by some.

You see, there's this guy I have a crush on. He laughs when I say something he thinks is funny (and these are things I don't say especially to make him laugh -- it's just the way I really express myself) and he tells me I'm a funny gal. He's a funny guy himself and we often have a good time just laughing and talking when we're together. At least that's what I think and feel.

I hardly ever put him down, even in jest. And in the rare instances that I do, I follow up immediately with a comment that puts me down in a funny way too. For example, if he says he's starting to become forgetful, I say something like "Well, chalk it up to old age." Then before he can react, I add "It's worse for me, sweetheart. After all, I'm older than you."

It would be nice to think he's attracted to me too. But after reading that article, I wonder if he is laughing at me, not with me. Maybe I have no chance with him because my funniness turns him off. Are some men really so insecure when it comes to a sense of humor in women?

Sincerely,
Mirthfully Moody

Dear Mirthfully,

To me, that BBC article could be restated like this: "There are plenty of insecure guys out there in the world."

Well that's hardly news, is it? Everyone has their own insecurities, regardless of gender, and I suspect the men who were surveyed wouldn't like GUYS making jokes at their expense either.

I can tell you from personal experience, from many, many guys that I know, we LOVE gals with a sense of humor!! Are you kidding me? When my wife and I share a laugh, or even better when she catches me off guard by cracking a good joke ... man, it rocks my world!

A few weeks ago I was socializing with a group of friends and we started talking about the types of people we used to date and why. One of my best friends said he always liked girls who were happy and laughed a lot. He married one just like that and she's a delightful person.

That said, I can envision situations where a guy could be turned off. We've probably all met people who crack jokes constantly, not all of which seem particularly funny or appropriate. This can be a sign of a person who doesn't know how else to interact with people. They have never developed the self confidence to simply be sincere and friendly, and trust this will be enough so people will like them. If a young woman wears herself out all night entertaining a guy with her wit, she can come across as insecure and ill at ease. He is likely to sense this awkwardness and may react negatively to that, not the jokes per se. In your case, it sounds like you simply see the humor in life and comment on it as the world flashes by. As long as you don't use jokes as a cover for nervousness, you should have nothing to worry about in this department.

Another situation is mentioned in the BBC article. A guy can be turned off when a girl makes a joke at his expense, in other words when she puts him down. (The same is true when a guy puts a girl down.) You admit to doing this on occasion and I recommend you stop doing so entirely, at least until your relationship has matured considerably from where it is today. In Dismaying Story #5: Hot & Cold Buttons I talk about how people develop an intimate knowledge of how their partner will react to various kinds of teasing. The type of stinger that draws a genuine chuckle from one spouse might cause deep hurt and anger in someone else's relationship. Couples who have been together a long time often know which topics are safe and which others are likely to mean a night on the couch.

You and your friend are not even officially dating yet. You have simply not been with him long enough to know his boundaries. In your letter you mention immediately saying something about yourself after zinging him. You intuitively recognize that he might be offended by what you have just said. More than that, the fact that you wrote the letter at all indicates this is a hot button issue for you. If the two of you are still together years from now, you might get to a point where you can safely throw barbs in his direction. You're definitely not there yet, however, so a safer course is to be consistently respectful. Remember, it's only a joke if the other person finds it funny.

If you wonder how your friend feels about something you've said, a little honesty can go a long way. Ask him whether he thinks people like your humor. Tell him you value his judgment. By doing so, you show that you trust him enough to be a little vulnerable with him. This trust is a huge compliment to him.

Other than that, you and your not-quite-boyfriend seem to be getting along well. I suspect you would have seen some signs by now if he was one of those insecure types who found your humor threatening. It sounds like he is confident enough to enjoy hanging with an outspoken girl like you. Good for both of you!

Finally, you have to be yourself. Would you really want to hook up with an insecure guy? No. You want a guy who is a good fit for you. So if you happen upon one who is turned off by your sense of humor, it simply means you haven't found the guy for you yet.

There are plenty of confident guys out there. I bet you'll find one who will love you just the way you are.

All the best,
Andrew

I feel loved and honored when you submit emails and comments. I tend to become dismayed, though, when the backlog of questions dwindles. So ask away and your submission might very well appear as a Dismaying Story.

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Dismaying Story #21: Best Friends Go to College

Dear Andrew,

Reading your post about The Ghost of the First Love got me thinking. I fell in love at fifteen too. Three years later I am still very much in love with her. I enjoy our relationship immensely; we still make each other laugh all the time.

However, my girlfriend is also my best friend. I have never really had a true best friend, regardless of gender, so having a person so close to me in my life has been a blessing. I am a strong person, I know I can stand by myself if I need to, but I'm unsure as to whether she can or not.

Two years ago her best friend left to go to another school and pretty much stopped contact. Of course she began to lean on me much more and because of that I felt pressure, so decided to end it. I have never hurt anyone so much in my life. I left her completely alone when she needed me the most. We got back together very soon after but she never truly forgave me.

Since then we have both become much more reliant on each other and now we are about to go to University at separate institutions. I am so, so worried for her. I know I should have more faith in her but I regard myself as her emotional buffer.

I'm also more than a little worried about my own emotions. I want to keep together, we both do. Neither of us is blind to how hard it will be but I just want what's best for her. I want her to explore new people and make new friends without me holding her hand. It's just I've done it for so long I worry whether she can or not.

Signed, Emotional Buffer

Dear Emotional,

I never get the complete story when people send me letters. How could I, in such a few words? I am always left wanting more information -- for instance, in this case it would be interesting to know if your girlfriend's view of the situation is the same as your own.

Nonetheless, your letter gives me a strong impression of two shy loners who have hooked up. It seems you each supply much of what the other needs in terms of companionship. By doing so, you "protect" each other from having to reach out to other people, which would be a scary prospect for both of you. In a sense, you have formed a cocoon around yourselves as a couple. This is your own little world with enough emotional support to get you by. You don't have to go shopping around for such needs outside the boundaries of the cocoon.

As you go off in different directions to college, however, you will each be forced to venture out into the big bad world. I say "forced" because Mother Nature has wired all of us to be social creatures. If you were to try to keep entirely to yourself, eventually you would be lonely and despondent, and probably sooner rather than later. The same goes for your girlfriend. You will be forced to reach out to strangers, to try to make new friends.

This can be a daunting prospect for a shy person. I'm just no good at meeting people. I never know what to say. What if they don't like me? You worry about going through this yourself and, because you truly care about your girlfriend, you worry that she will struggle as well.

I can honestly say I understand. Many people who know me now have a difficult time believing how painfully shy and introverted I was in high school. My social skills at the time would probably be rated somewhere in the region of "inferiority complex." I felt no girl would ever want me and I was tempted to "cocoon" when I started to date.

I mention this because I want to tell you about an "Aha!" moment I had several years later. I was walking alone in a shopping mall when a young married couple I knew from high school passed me going in the opposite direction. We were far enough apart that it was easy to pretend I had not noticed them and to continue on without acknowledging them. I was not trying to be rude; this was simply my shy side taking over. I went a few more feet and then said to myself, "This is ridiculous!" I made a snap decision I didn't want to be that way anymore. I turned on my heel, hustled back to them, said "Hi, it's good to see you guys," and we had a wonderful chat.

That was a turning point for me. I proved to myself that I didn't have to give in to my shy tendencies. Ever since then I've made a conscious effort to reach out to people, and you know what? It turns out not to be such a scary thing after all. In fact it's downright liberating. Like I said, this is what Mother Nature wants us to do. (I have a sneaking suspicion it's all part of her master plan. I think she wants us to crave closeness so we'll make lots of babies and perpetuate the species, but maybe that's just my own conspiracy theory.)

To be honest, your comments remind me more of what a parent would typically say, similar to the maturation issues discussed in Dismaying Story #12: Big Bad Dad. You sense that your girlfriend has to "grow up" socially when she goes to college. You worry that it will be difficult for her, that she might not be able to handle it. You wish you could be there to pave the way for her but you know you can't -- she must take some difficult steps on her own.

I bet if I were to talk to her parents (or yours for that matter) they might express many of the same concerns. I would give your parents the same advice I'm going to give you; you need to let young people grow up.

The ability to stand on your own feet and stare down life's problems is a critical skill for all of us. That's why teenagers often start to rebel against authority. They are starting to gain the independence they will need as adults. Parents, though, have just spent years protecting and coaching. It can be stressful to let go, to trust that our children will be able to fly away on their own without falling and getting bruised. We might even be convinced they are certain to take a few hits before they get well and truly off the ground.

The same is true as you worry about your girlfriend. This is the way of the world, though. She will do her best, make mistakes, endure sad days, celebrate triumphs and "Aha!" moments of her own, and emerge on the other side as a more mature and capable individual.

And so will you.

As for the possibility that your relationship might not survive the separation, that is simply a risk you will have to take, just as millions of other couples have done before you. I must say, though, that it might turn out to be healthy if the two of you dated other people at some point. Being involved in more than one relationship can help you gain perspective. This can also help you avoid regrets later in life, when some people look back and wonder what they might have missed by not experiencing more of life when they were young. That said, though, the world abounds with people who married their childhood sweethearts and had fantastic lives together. Bottom line, your feelings for each other will endure if they are strong enough. If that doesn't happen, then something better must have come along.

I'm sure you'll continue to worry. Try to remember that the hardships of going off to college will strengthen both of you in the long run.

All the best,
Andrew

Do you worry about your partner? How does this affect your relationship? You can send me an email with absolutely no shipping or handling charges. The same goes for any comment you enter using the link below. Operators are standing by now. Okay, it's only me ... but I am standing by. Honest.

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Vacation Memories

Today I received another entry in the Vacations and Families and Couples, Oh My! series. Thanks go out to Trace, who maintains a blog called Tracing My Steps. She writes:

We took our kids to the beach yesterday - one we'd never been to. And while I was there, I thought about how much our vacation time helps me to think about the things that I cherished as a kid. So yesterday, I spent lots of time reflecting on my own beach memories. My parents never took us to the beach locally, my dad worked crazy hours and so we had a pool in our backyard to keep us cool. But my grandparents lived in FL and going there to visit was always the highlight of my year. My grandmother and I were very close. When I get out of my car at the beach, the smell of the sea air immediately reminds me of her - our early morning beach walks, her sea shell collection, the way she plastered me with sun tan lotion, the lessons she taught me about life. I'm so grateful for the way the beach reminds me of her.

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Still Chasing That Excitement

This post is a follow-up to Dismaying Story #17: The Ghost of the First Love. You may recall the 21-year-old woman who wrote to me with questions about her current relationship, which just doesn't seem as intense as those she has had in the past. My response asks whether she might be comparing her current experience with some idealized memory of how exciting a relationship "should" be, based on the adrenaline rush she remembers from her first big love. Here is her follow-up question:

Dear Andrew,

I agree with you a hundred percent, except I keep thinking: "When you have to ask yourself if you are in love, you probably aren't."

Sometimes it seems like it's only "exciting" when you can't get what you want - when you have to chase after the guy that will probably never be with you. The excitement - is he going to talk to me today? This week? Never?

I just clicked with my current boyfriend. There was never this back and forth - never the pain of not knowing. I loved that, and still love the security with him. I want him for my future because I am happy with him.

And yet ... it felt less real because there were never these butterflies. Maybe I am confusing love with constant wondering and heartache. I fear that these failed relationships really messed with my picture of love.

Is there a way to fix this? Fix me?

Signed, Still Going Crazy

Dear Still Not Crazy,

In my earlier response, I said most of us hope to settle down into one relationship that takes us through the bulk of our adult life. It's possible you're simply not to that "settle down" part of your life yet. It's also possible you never will be. You're not "most of us" -- you're you, an individual.

You see, we're all different. That's part of what makes this planet an interesting place to hang out for a few decades. Some people really value stability and security in life, while others thrive on risk and excitement. One person might spend her Saturday afternoon rock climbing or bungee jumping, while another looks forward to attending a good investment seminar. It is possible you are simply a thrill seeker and this extends into your love life. You say you are happy with your boyfriend, but maybe happiness for you includes an element of risk. There is nothing wrong with that as long as you are truly choosing the things that satisfy you.

You might want to be careful, though. Let me tell you a story:

This guy walks into a bar, where he finds two delightful sisters sitting alone at a table. He joins them and soon it is obvious they are both happy to meet him. He gets the sense that either of them would be pleased to go out with him, perhaps even to develop something longer term. One sister, the brunette, is quick to laugh and seems like she would be tremendous fun. The blond sister is quieter and has a calm strength the young man finds very appealing. What should his choice be?

Answer: Only one of them.

The Moral: Sometimes you just can't have it both ways.

You seem to be torn with your current boyfriend. You want him "for your future," perhaps because you can see a day coming when having a dependable guy to bring home a steady paycheck and take out the garbage will be a good deal. For now, though, you still feel a bit of that wanderlust. You miss the zing of uncertainty, the thrill of the hunt. Like I said, that's okay ... as long as that thrill is what you really want.

Be careful what you ask for because you are almost certainly going to get it. If you choose guys with more of an edge, then you will probably have to put up with the heartaches that come when they wander off in search of their own next thrill. Maybe that's a good tradeoff for you, I don't know. Only you can decide that.

On the other hand, if you choose guys who are more like your current boyfriend, then you must live with the almost certain knowledge that the Hell's Angels won't be dropping by for the weekend.

Should you stay with your boyfriend "for your future" when you have doubts today? Again, that's up to you to decide. The good news is that you have all your cards on the table. You have a good sense of the issues, now you just need to figure out which ones are most important to you.

And yes, there is some truth in what you said: if you have to ask whether you love him, he might not be "the one." On the other hand, it's normal to question our big choices in life. "Am I really ready to make a commitment? What if there is someone else out there I might love more?" These are all typical thoughts. It would be easier if life came with a set of black and white guidelines we could follow, but it doesn't. Give it a bit of time and your heart will tell you whether to hold on tight or move on.

Finally, I don't think you need "fixing" at all. You are simply searching out your path in life the same way people have been doing since Eve said, "Um, hello Up There. Is it possible there might be, you know ... another guy to talk to for a while? I mean, Adam is nice and everything but ..."

All the best,
Andrew

Are you having trouble making a decision about your relationship? I would welcome your email or any comment you wish to enter using the link below.

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Dismaying Story #20: Getting to Know Him from Afar

Dear Andrew,

I'm a 30-year-old girl who has been studying abroad in India for three years. During my stay here I met someone online, a 34-year-old guy from my own country who has been living in Sweden for almost 13 years. We started to get to know each other via the Internet and phone for six months, talking for six hours virtually every day. When I went home he flew there to meet me and for five weeks we tried to get to know each other. He asked me to marry him. At first I was so sure but then I decided I needed more time, which he accepted. It is unlikely we will see each other in person anytime soon because of travel difficulties. How can we get to know each other effectively with all this distance between us?

I am a spiritual person, which is very important to me, but he is not. Also, he has shown no curiosity about my beliefs, my studies, what I want in life or who I am inside. I'm afraid he won't be a good partner in this way, even though he is so affectionate, romantic, stable and kind. What should I do?

Signed, Seeker of Truth

Dear Seeker,

My first thought is that you did the right thing when you decided to take more time before accepting his invitation. You clearly have doubts as to what kind of life partner he will make. I agree it is troubling that you spent so many hours talking and yet you feel he has not shown much curiosity about you as a person or what goes on in your life. It makes me wonder what the two of you talked about all that time.

In one sense you know a fair bit about this man; you have already formed opinions regarding some of his strengths and weaknesses. On the other hand there is no substitute for face-to-face contact when getting to know someone, especially when you are considering marriage. You have only spent five weeks together, which seems to concern you and, in my opinion, you are right to feel that way.

A short period of intense contact like that is not always a true indicator of what life might be like with this person in the long term. You were both likely on your best behavior, doing everything possible to "make it work" with each other. You were not engaged in normal everyday life. Instead you were essentially on vacation and probably got to share many fun and relaxing activities like visiting family. How different would the experience be when you are both working or studying, living in your own homes and dealing with the ordinary stresses of life? If you are going to marry someone, you want to know what kind of person they are when under stress, not just how they act during the fun times. Will he still be supportive and kind when life throws challenges in the way? Will he care about your problems (not just his own) and do his best to help out? These sorts of questions may be difficult for you to answer right now.

Forgive me if I assume too much but I suspect there might also be another factor involved with your dilemma. You are both in your thirties and still unattached. Often people feel pressure to conform to societal norms and be married by a certain age. Also, many women know they would like to have children, which means being married while still young enough to make that happen. In your situation you might be thinking, "This is the best chance I have had and the clock is ticking. I may never find someone if I wait much longer." I cannot advise you how strongly such factors should weigh in your decisions -- only you can decide how important they are for you -- but you should be aware of these issues and think about them. Similarly, you are the only one who can decide how important it is for your partner to share your spiritual beliefs.

I advise you to hold off on making any marriage commitment until you have had a better chance to get to know him when you are face-to-face. This might involve a considerable wait but the decision is too important to rush into while you still have such doubts.

I also have reservations about whether he will be a supportive husband. I could be wrong (obviously I don't know this person) but in my experience, supportive people are empathetic and want very much to understand what makes their partner tick. I would not accept his proposal until you can convince yourself how he will treat you in this regard.

If you are contemplating marriage, then presumably there is a time in the near future when you could see the two of you living in the same place. Assuming you are both serious enough, perhaps you could consider waiting until then so you can get to know each other while living your normal daily lives.

Finally, once you think these matters through and arrive at your own opinions, (which, of course, may very well differ from mine) I suggest you be open and honest with him. Tell him what you hope will happen and give him the chance to decide if he is willing to do the same.

I wish you all the best as you "seek the truth."

Sincerely,
Andrew

Have you ever felt pressure to stay in a relationship? How did your long distance romance turn out? Let us know and your submission could be featured as a Dismaying Story.

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