Dismaying Story #144: Long Distance Inattention

Dear Andrew,

My man and I have not seen each other for two years. Since we are from different countries and the marriage process takes a huge amount of paperwork and time, we have not yet been able to be together. We have tolerated many sad times during these two years but we hung on. My man built us a very nice and beautiful house, changed his job and is doing a tremendous amount of work all by himself. If things had gone well, we could have been together in almost two months.

I said this so you know that he loves me and is trying everything he can to get me.

We met two years ago in my country and spent a total time of 15 days together. The sexual attraction was huge but we did have a lot of silly fights during that little time. The fights mostly started because I was too insecure and I could not trust him 100%. Even though I hurt him badly with my words and actions, he still wanted me and has done so many sacrifices for me. I have tried to be an ideal partner for him. I have changed many of my bad traits, such as not giving him the silent treatment. I have been 100% loyal to him and have tried to be what he wants me to be.

The problem is that we have not had any physical contact with each other for two years straight, and that has had a very bad effect on our relationship. Our emails (we stopped talking on the phone a year ago) are only filled with sad words about how depressed and tired we both are. We accuse each other of not caring enough or not loving the other one enough.

He wants me to be an active person who works out and takes care of herself. I have failed many times but I have succeeded many times too.

I stopped working a year an half ago. I was a teacher and I liked my job. It provided enough money for me to feel as independent as I could. (I live with my parents.) I gave up working because he did not want me to work in the same place that my ex did. I did not continue my university classes and dropped out. I have no self-confidence anymore. Each time I suggest working again, he thinks I am thinking of long-term plans for myself to stay in my country, and that makes him insecure. He told me that if I need money, he would send some. I can never accept it. I would rather drown than call for help. I need to be independent, have my own money, have my own job. I wanted to go back to university again, but again, he said no. I should wait until I go to him, then I could study whatever I like.

I am 26 years old and I feel so old. I do not go out of the house, because I do not want to get into trouble. I do not hang out with my friends. I lock myself up in my apartment and only go to my parents' apartment at nights to watch TV with them. I stopped my social life so that I won’t give my man any reason to be suspicious, so that he could relax that I don't cheat on him.

The problem is that we have not had any physical contact with each other for two years straight, and that has had a very bad effect on our relationship. Our emails (we stopped talking on the phone a year ago) are only filled with sad words about how depressed and tired we both are. We accuse each other of not caring enough or not loving the other one enough.

Last week, my man went on a business trip and he could not contact me for three days. I cried every single night, thinking that he had committed suicide or had an accident. I was going insane with worry. I wrote him many emails during those three days telling how worried I was, that life is meaningless without him, telling him about my days and how depressed I was and telling him that I loved him. He contacted me after three days and told me that he had no way of contacting me, because his cell phone did not work in that area and neither did his mobile Internet. I just sent him an email telling him that I was so glad that he is back and that I loved him.

In reply he sent me an email telling me that for once he was content, because his trip had gone so well for him, but when he read my emails, they were like a cold shower for him. He said that I do not appreciate him enough and he wonders if what he is going through is futile. He says, "Why can’t you be stronger? Why can’t you appreciate me more?"

What have I done wrong? He knows I go insane with worry each time he doesn't send me an email. Did I not have the right to worry? And I never said anything mean in my emails, only my concern for his health and well being.

I had a bad breakdown after reading his email. I replied and told him I won’t put up with his abuse anymore. He had no right to call me weak and tell me that I don't appreciate him. I set us some new rules, telling him that he should send me the schedule of his week, he should treat me the same way I treat him. I told him I will start working again, despite the fact he has told me not to, told him that I won’t let my world go around him anymore. He does not give me the care and attention I need. I told him that I won’t let him affect me in my decision making, because he doesn't care for me and my sanity.

It wasn't a nice email.

He read the email and broke up with me. He said, "You went too far. Leave me alone, we are through."

In reply I said, "As you wish," and I have not contacted him, neither has he.

Two days have passed since then.

I love him. He is the only man I want to be with. He has proven himself to be a man for life over and over again. He loved me even when I hurt him, and I want him back. The trouble is, I have always initiated the apologizing and wanting to get back together. I know deep in his heart he wants us to make up too, but he is too proud to send me an email first. I do not want him to see me as needy. I want him to come to me first. That seems impossible.

What went wrong? What should I do to get him back? Do I have to change more? If yes, what should I change? Is there anything seriously wrong with us? Why can’t I be more appreciative and give him the respect he wants me to give him? Why can’t I control my temper?

Signed, Seriously Damaged

Dear Seriously Damaged,

Assume for the moment you could patch it up with him. Here are a few things to consider.

Let me get this straight. He won't "let you" work, take classes, or admit to having a bad day, which means that he cares only for his own needs, not yours. He gets suspicious if you have a normal social life with your friends. He tells you how you should interact with your own parents. He criticizes you, calling you unappreciative, weak, too insecure (even though he is also clearly insecure), and saying you have "many bad traits." He wants you to work out so you will be physically appealing for him. He has all the money in the relationship, but you are apparently not important enough for him to spend some of it to come visit you, or call you on the phone. He can't even bring himself to prop you up by offering a few supportive and loving words once in a while. The end result is that you are depressed, lonely, and completely unfulfilled in your lifestyle.

What exactly are you getting out of this relationship?

As far as I can tell, the only thing you are getting is hope. Your continued involvement with him (limited as it may be) provides you with the promise that you won't have to spend your life alone.

But here's what I can't get past. When you finally get your reward, when you reach that magical day you've been waiting for and the two of you can be together ... you'll be getting together with a guy who by your own account treats you horribly.

You say the attraction was intense when you first met. Well of course it was! It's always that way in the beginning. You two were only together during the infatuated excitement phase of a brand new relationship. Lust runs high, everything is fresh and new, and of course it all looks good. Yet even during that time you say all was not well, that the two of you had "a lot of silly fights" during the only time you were together.

Okay, he built a house. He works hard at his job. He has stayed in contact for two years. Those are good things but there is much, much more to being a supportive partner than that. I'd give him a failing grade in several other departments, such as caring as much about you as he does about himself, and being attentive to your needs.

Even if the two of you had not broken up, I would urge you to think long and hard before committing to a lifetime of that kind of treatment.

And don't think he will act differently once you are together, once the stress is gone, once you are married, once the moon is aligned with Venus. Far too many people have entered marriage thinking their partners will improve in some way. Experience has shown this rarely happens. Generally, what you see before the marriage is what you can expect to get for the rest of your days.

Do you want a husband who will dictate to you when you are "allowed" to have a job or take a course? Do you really want that little say in your life? Maybe so -- some cultures treat these sorts of issues differently than others, and I don't want to make assumptions. Even if that is okay for you, though, I'd think you'd want a partner who cares deeply about your needs and wants. Have you seen that from your boyfriend?

I have to ask myself why you have stayed in the relationship this long. I can only assume you are somewhat desperate to have someone in your life, so you are willing to take whatever promise this relationship holds. That makes me nervous for you. Desperation is a dangerous emotion when it comes to making relationship decisions. Desperate people will often stay in relationships from which more self-confident people would walk away.

Are you afraid you could not find another relationship? Do you have an idealized memory of those magical fifteen days of infatuation? Do you assume that the two of you will return to that state of excited lust when you see each other again? Perhaps these are some tough questions you should ask yourself.

If you think through all that and decide you really want to make up, this is what I suggest. Tell him the truth. Open up and tell him how you are feeling and that you want to be with him. True honest expression of love and desire to be together is the way to break down barriers of anger and silence. Don't try to explain how he hurt you, just acknowledge whatever part you played and tell him you don't want to lose him.

If you end up back together, I suggest you give some serious thought to how you can find your identity in this relationship. You need to have a life of your own, even if it means he has to work through some of his own insecurities.

You've been living in a difficult situation for two years. I wish you the best of luck in trying to create a better one.

With warm regards,
Andrew

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Dismaying Story #133: What If He Didn’t Actually Break Up?

Dear Andrew,

I've been involved with this man (let's say his name is Brannigan) since May 2010. It's been wonderful. We connect on every level and our interests match. For once I have really allowed myself to love someone fully. Our relationship has been going on long-distance. Our mutual goal was to get to a place where we could finally be together. Last night, I was emailed a testimonial from another social networking site that displayed another woman with the username brannigan'sgirlfriend. She posts her excited news that since September, she's been LIVING with him (and she says his full name) and that they are madly in love and he's the best guy in the world. The problem is, he hasn't actually broken up with me. The last time we spoke he told me that he loved me and wished we could be together for the holidays. What am I supposed to do about that? Do I confess that I already know? Do I wait for him to fess up? They are living together, newly, and I've visited him so I know for a fact they weren't before. I'm still reeling emotionally but I just feel like a sap. His whole family and friends have known, clearly, and no one thought to tell me?

Signed, Confused and Angry but Mostly Hurt

Dear Mostly Hurt,

First, I assume this is not a case of mistaken identity or confusion, otherwise we have nothing to talk about. So let’s go forward with the understanding that the “Brannigan” in the testimonial is the same guy with whom you have been having a long distance relationship. In other words, he is well and truly caught.

As I read your email, my eye keeps going back to your question: “What am I supposed to do about that?”

I bet many readers are already shaking their heads, as in: How could it be a mystery what to do next? He’s lying and cheating, so walk away without so much as a glance back over your shoulder.

But here’s the thing – you already know about that option. That kind of advice is no surprise to you. So why are you still wondering what to do?

I believe I can sum up the reason in one word: Hope.

For some time now you’ve been hoping he is the one. You’ve tied your emotional sails fully to the wind blowing from his direction, hoping to whisk off into the happy future, arm in arm with your soul mate, the one you have been hoping to find for so long, the one who is finally, finally here!

Your emotional investment has been tremendous. He has occupied most of your waking thoughts. You have spent much of your time yearning for that next phone call, that next Skype session when you will receive yet another affirmation that you are worthy, that your future is set, that all is well.

And then in a matter of a few seconds you are faced with the exact opposite of that entire experience. He is betraying everything about your dream by living with another woman.

At that moment of realization you are faced with a choice. You can give up on that strongly-held hope ... or you can hang on just a little while longer, refusing to give up on those delicious feelings altogether, hoping against hope that there may yet be some path forward to the promised future.

After all, hasn’t he said that he loves you? Hasn’t he shown affection by his actions? Didn’t he say he wants to be with you? Aren’t there plenty of reasons to hope that he might end up with you instead of her?

Sadly, no, there are no such reasons for hope.

He has made his intentions clear by moving in with another woman. I can’t think of many ways he could say more strongly that he prefers another woman to you, and that you have no future together.

But let’s say for a moment that is not true. Let’s go with the desperate theory that he has only moved in with her in a moment of weakness, that he is really not all that into her, that she just happens to be the one who is close by, while you are distant and unavailable. Let’s assume for a moment that YOU are his real true love, and she is just a convenient passing fancy. (And by the way, I don’t believe any of that, but work with me here...) If all that were true, could you still hang onto some hope?

No, don’t do it. Walk away, right now, without looking back, because even if all that were true, you deserve better than that guy. You deserve to spend your life with someone who is faithful and true, not someone who cheats and sneaks around behind your back, all the while lying and telling you everything is still wonderful. Imagine the lack of moral judgment he must have to willingly hurt you in that way. Do you want to sign up for a lifetime of that? No way. You deserve better, much better. Everyone does.

Should you confront him about it? In my opinion that is a personal choice. You would certainly be justified if you simply refuse to have any further contact with him. Or, depending on your emotional needs, it might help you to get closure on the pain he has caused you by standing up for yourself and telling him how wrong he was, how much he owes you an apology.

And then you should walk away, even if he has since broken up with the other woman and begs your forgiveness. I suspect that scenario is unlikely, but even if that happens, he has proven how little he values your happiness. Don’t allow yourself to be fooled a second time.

I’m sorry you have had to go through such a gut-wrenching emotional blow. Please know that not all men are like Brannigan. The world is full of guys who are honest and caring, and will do their best to look out for your happiness, not just their own. Everyone – and that definitely includes you – is worthy of being treated like that.

I would also be interested to hear whether any readers have had similar experiences. Do you have any nuggets of wisdom to help Mostly Hurt get past her pain?

So my advice is to keep looking until you find the Prince Charming whose sweet words match the real person inside. Have faith that he is out there and you will find him.

All the best and good luck,
Andrew

Do you have a relationship issue in your life? Write in and tell me what’s going on so your issue can be featured as a Dismaying Story. Comments can be anonymous and the identity of email respondents always remains confidential.

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Dismaying Story #128: Leaving in the Middle of the Night

Dear Andrew,

I am an educated woman, self supporting, and trying to straighten out debt that my late husband left me. As an artist, my personality is very laid back. I have never had any problem attracting men. I grew up in a household with all males, do not take myself seriously, and travel quite extensively.

After my husband passed away I was pursued by a man quite a few years my senior. He runs a successful business, is very comfortable financially, and has been divorced twice.

We dated for several months. He continuously mentioned his financial status to me and made me feel judged in comparison with all of the women who came before.

We recently took a trip to Mexico. He asked a local elderly man how much the man would pay for me. I was mortified but he thought it was funny. Then when I tried to explain to him why his cell phone stayed on roam and was out of network, he blatantly informed me that I was a know-it-all. He walked away from me and ignored me for the rest of the evening.

I decided I could no longer take this rude person. After he fell asleep, I silently packed, checked into a hotel, booked another air carrier, and returned home.

Since then I have received several emails from him. He commented that all artists have mental problems, diagnosing me as bipolar, as well as insisting that I am a terrible mother and a loser. I had to rent a car since my car was left in his garage. I was only able to retrieve it by threatening to report it as stolen.

I did not love this man. Perhaps I could have, but I don't understand his sick humor, his judging me. I am totally confused, as this man told me he loved me.

Is this what is out there? Can you explain this nightmare? Was I wrong to just leave after his humiliating jokes at my expense? I would so appreciate if someone could shed some light onto this personality.

Signed, Humiliated

Dear Humiliated,

I am always limited in understanding situations like this because I can react only to one point of view. There are usually two sides to most stories, which is why couples counseling works best when both partners take part. In this case I don’t know his side of the story.

The facts in your letter, however, make it plain that this man can certainly be insensitive. Offering to sell you to a stranger is a joke that an adolescent might consider funny, but I would expect most mature men to be more respectful of their companions. The derogatory emails are also low-class to me. Clearly your relationship was in trouble at that point, or even completely over. In neither case is insulting you a productive or respectful thing to do.

Were you wrong to just leave? I don’t think so. The more courteous thing for you to do would be to tell him you were leaving and give him a chance to talk with you about it. On the other hand, his rudeness did not earn him much in the way of courtesy from you.

Perhaps you felt that confronting him would be threatening to you, that he might be abusive. Or perhaps you felt there would be little point to the conversation, given that he was unlikely to be repentant or anxious to make up. In a situation where you feel threatened, you have every right to protect yourself, even if that means leaving without explanation.

Is this what there is out there? In other words, are all men rude and insensitive? Of course not. I believe such folks are the exception rather than the norm, but I can understand why your experience might tempt you to think otherwise. I think the underlying subtext to your question is: “Is this the type of man I can expect to attract?” This one is a little tougher, because your own behavior can influence the type of men who are most attracted to you. If you project a meek image, this might appeal to men who are threatened by confident women, or men who tend to play a dominant role in their relationships. On the other hand, acting friendly and quietly confident may attract men who are comfortable dealing with that type of personality and who respond in kind. Of course many relationships run counter to this thinking, but I have seen this sort of dynamic happen time and time again.

In other words, you can influence who is attracted to you by how you interact with the world.

You have already spent more time worrying about this man than he deserves. He treated you poorly and has not earned your attention. Write him off as a failed experiment and move on.

I don’t know enough about him or the situation to speculate on why he behaved as he did, but it doesn’t make any difference to you now. You are out of the relationship and should stay out.

Most importantly, don’t allow his boorish behavior to change how you react to the next guy who comes along. Try to enter the next relationship with an open mind and a positive attitude. That way you will be doing all you can to increase your chances of finding Mr. Right, or Mr. Fun-to-spend-time-with, or whomever you may hope to find.

Good luck!

All the best,
Andrew

Last week I mentioned that I was scheduled to be interviewed live on a nationally-syndicated radio program. The interview took place last Saturday and I have to say ... it was a blast! I truly enjoyed talking with Darla Shine and she has invited me to be a regular on her program, which is moving to a Monday-to Friday format on Top-20 stations in the Fall. If you missed the interview, you can find the archived audio file here. Click on the August 2 show. My interview takes place about three-quarters of the way through the two-hour audio file.

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Dismaying Story #115: Saying the L-Word

Dear Andrew,

I just broke up with my boyfriend of eight months. I'm just wondering why he suddenly decided he didn’t love me anymore. He told me he loved me every day and on the morning we broke up he called to say he loves me. Then that evening he changed his mind. How is that? I'm sure if he doesn’t love me anymore, then that feeling must have been there for quite some time. I don’t understand why he kept telling me otherwise.

Signed, Confused

Dear Confused,

The simple (and no doubt painful) truth is that he never was in love with you. A person may wake up one morning and realize they would rather not continue with their partner, but that doesn’t happen when that person is truly happy about the relationship.

While you were still together it was in his best interest to make you happy. This kept the day-to-day relationship sailing along with as much harmony as possible. Perhaps he figured out that saying the “L” word made things work better between the two of you. Or this may simply be his manner with all his girlfriends. Or perhaps he tried very, very hard to convince himself this was the relationship for him and saying “I love you” was part of how he did that. I don’t know -- there could be any number of reasons why a boyfriend would say those words repeatedly, even when the relationship is destined to end.

I’m not saying your boyfriend was trying to deceive you. I’m sure this happens sometimes and that may have been his intent, but not necessarily.

So what do you do if your boyfriend or girlfriend says the words? How do you know if their words are really true? As in most circumstances in life, you also pay attention to their behavior. Actions truly do speak louder than words.

In your case, though, the reasons why he told you he loved you all the time are no longer important. The only relevant fact now is that he has admitted this is not the relationship for him. My advice is to stop worrying about why and what if and if only. Set your sights on the future, one that doesn’t include him. Go find yourself the guy who will say “I love you” and really mean it!

All the best,
Andrew

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Dismaying Story #95: Forgiveness Is A Gift You Give Yourself

Dear Andrew,

About six months ago, my boyfriend of two and a half years and I broke up. We still love each other, but since we were finishing university and were embarking on significant lifestyle changes, we decided that it was best to call it off, rather than fighting to keep together a relationship that was already falling apart. (The one thing we shared was that we loved each other. We wanted very different things out of life; had very different interests; different values; different approaches to life. My family didn't like him, he didn't like them. Once we finished university we could no longer sustain the relationship we had enjoyed as students.

About three months ago, I met a guy that was the polar opposite of my Ex. We hit it off right away, and began to hang out on a daily basis, on a platonic level, after work, and it seemed like everything we talked about just brought us even closer, and brought to light more similarities between us. About a week later, he expressed a romantic interest in me. I was flattered, and admitted that I was attracted to him as well, but expressed hesitation to get involved in anything with him because a) we are coworkers; and b) I was just coming out of a very serious relationship, and didn't want to start something on the rebound. He agreed to take it slowly and just see where things went. However, he didn't stop pursuing me fairly aggressively. And I didn't object to being pursued in this way. It was nice to feel desirable and wanted, especially since my Ex had cut himself off from me entirely.

What transpired was a fairly intense relationship that remained unlabeled and underhanded. Because we are coworkers, and didn't want to become fodder for office gossip, we conducted a lot of our romantic activities on the sly. About three weeks in, my Ex showed up at my front door, crying, and begging me to take him back. Although I had spent three months wishing for this situation, I finally felt as though I was moving on, and told him that I was seeing someone else. A few days later, the new guy took me to his home before a party we were going to attend together, and we slept together for the first time. The entire experience felt dirty and wrong. Two days later, he said that we needed to talk and told me that he felt that our relationship had come together in a very dysfunctional way, and it made him uncomfortable, and he didn't want to end up hurting me in the same way he had hurt girls in the past, so he thought we should stop seeing each other.

I agreed that we had rushed things and jumped into a sexual relationship that I, at least, was not ready to have. We agreed to rewind a bit, and revert to the "dating" stage, and take things one step at a time. The next day, at work, as we went to get our morning coffee, he said that he had thought about it some more, and wanted us to be entirely platonic. That evening, as we chatted online, he explained that after we had slept together, he had started thinking about a serious relationship that had ended about two years ago, in which he and his girlfriend had been on the verge of engagement, before he panicked, and she gave up on him. He said that in retrospect, he thinks he should have married her, and every relationship he has been in since has ended up being a train-wreck, because of his inability to connect, and he claimed that he didn't want me to become part of his "relationship chaos and carnage roadshow."

This made (and continues to make) me very angry. I was entirely upfront with him from the very beginning about my reservations about getting into a relationship, and my personal and emotional difficulties. He knew that I'd been struggling with depression for a few years; he knew that I used to cut; he went in with all the cards on the table. He also knew what his own background was. But he chose to not share any of this information with me; he chose to lead me to believe that he really wanted to be with me. He chose to convince me that he was looking for a serious relationship. I feel used, and dirty. If he felt that he wasn't ready for a relationship, he shouldn't have started one. In effect, he told me what I wanted to hear, and toyed with my emotions until I began to believe that I might actually be able to be happy with him; and the moment I slept with him, he lost interest and backed out. I've tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, because I DO still have to work with him, and see him five days a week, but the more I think about it, the more used I feel. I feel as though he took advantage of my vulnerability and naivete, and turned me into a notch on his bedpost.

Am I being unreasonable? Because of him, I destroyed any possibility of getting back together with my Ex, as well, and that makes the anger even more intense. I want to stop hating him and I want to stop loathing myself, but I have no idea how to do this. The worst part is that deep down, I really want to believe that he's a good guy, and that once he sorts himself out, we will end up together.

Signed, Hurting and Hating

Dear Hurting and Hating,

Both of the guys in this story told you, "I don't want to be with you." This is a difficult message to hear because it bashes your feelings of self worth and clashes with your strong desire to make a relationship work. More than that, they delivered this message in an ambivalent, on-again, off-again fashion, which makes it even more difficult for you to decide what you want and predict what will happen. You spent three months wishing for your ex to show up and you still hope to end up with the co-worker.

For your own sanity, the first thing I recommend you do is realize neither of these guys is the one for you. Regardless of the reasons, "I don't want to be with you" is a pretty clear indication that they don't want to be with you. Why should a dynamic bundle of personable hotness like you put up with that? You deserve (and need) a better deal than that. You gave it a try with each of them and it didn't work out. You learned some lessons and got your feelings bruised. If you step back and look at the big picture, though, you will realize that you are still a whole person and you are now free to get on with life, which hopefully includes meeting Mr. Right and having many wonderful bowls of ice cream together. Don't hold on to the flimsy hope of getting back into one of these damaged partnerships. Doing so will only prevent you from finding a fulfilling relationship. Put them behind you and move on, and do it today.

Regarding your co-worker, you did not destroy your chances with your ex "because of him." If you and your ex were meant for each other, if things were great between you, then (a) you wouldn't have broken up (this happened because of real problems), and (b) no fresh-off-the-vine new boyfriend would have been enough to make you turn away the crying ex. You would have swept him into your arms and held on tight. It didn't work out between you and your ex because of the problems between the two of you, not because of your co-worker.

When your ex showed up and you "felt like you were moving on," that was because you were moving on. You were not at your final destination, though, just the next stop along your life journey. You may feel like you wasted your time with your co-worker. I would argue, though, that dating your co-worker helped you understand there was life after your ex, which is something you needed to find out. While hurtful in the end, this brief relationship also fulfilled some of your needs for a while. Rather than focusing entirely on the painful aspects of this experience, it might help you to realize that some good came from it as well.

Then there is your anger over feeling used and poorly treated by your co-worker, about all the things he should have done differently. Naturally you are interpreting the relationship from your point of view. If you are honest, I suspect you'll have to admit to yourself that you entered the relationship because of what it might mean for your life; it made you feel desirable and wanted, like you were moving on, etc. You did not say to yourself, "I should start dating this guy because it will help him feel good about himself." No, we enter relationships because of our own hopes and needs. That doesn't mean you don't care about the other person, just that your own viewpoint dominates your thinking at the beginning.

This is evident in your letter, which interprets what happened only from your point of view. This is natural and understandable, but I believe you can gain a greater understanding of what happened if you now step back and also consider events from his viewpoint.

You now know that he has been carrying a big load of emotional baggage for at least two years. He entered your relationship in a state of weakness, and was hopeful this would be the one to break him out of it. He desperately wanted this to succeed so he could get past his problems. Of course he wouldn't dump his baggage on you at that point. Suppose he said, "Just so you know, I'm a total emotional mess inside and I can't get over my old flame and I have sabotaged every one of my recent relationships with my dysfunction." That would have you (and most women) making excuses and heading for the door in short order, which is exactly the opposite of what he was desperate to achieve. And in the eternal optimism of the dopamine-driven early stages of dating, he truly hoped and believed he would never have to tell you this, because THIS one was finally going to work out for him, dammit.

But it didn't, in fact couldn't. He needs to get over his internal anguish and forgive himself for his past decisions, and no new relationship can help him do that. He needs to heal inside before he will be able to fulfill his end of a functional relationship.

But he didn't know that when he started dating you, and in all probability he still doesn't realize it. You say he should have told you, and he should have realized, and he should have known better than to start something with you. That is the same as saying he should be aware of the nature of his dysfunction and should be able to get past it. Clearly he hasn't been able to do that; he is still mired in his past and can't see a way out. "Except maybe," he thinks, "if I find someone else, that will make the memories go away," which is what he tried with you.

You feel like he got the sex he wanted and then lost interest. I don't see it that way. I believe he failed in achieving what he wanted (to feel a strong attachment for you, thereby erasing his painful past). He ended it with you because his pain persisted in spite of how your relationship had progressed. He wasn't happy to notch his bedpost; he was miserable that his hopes didn't pan out and he was right back where he started ... and he had hurt you in the process. Considered from this point of view, his statement that he didn't want to hurt you any further was probably sincere.

Yes, one could argue that he might have spared you the pain if he had been more honest about himself up front. And you could beat yourself up wondering if you should have seen the signs and avoided getting involved with him. None of this helps you, though. All it does is make the pain persist longer than necessary.

Do you really need to assign blame? How does this help you? You need to forgive him for hurting you. And don't do it for his sake; forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. It is the way you free yourself from the pain and allow yourself to gain closure, to move past the recriminations and brooding. I truly believe your co-worker did what he did based on hopefulness. Perhaps this realization will help you feel compassion for his pain, as well as forgiveness for sharing it with you.

Similarly, you need to forgive yourself for being human. We all want to feel desirable and wanted, and you shouldn't beat yourself up for trying to find happiness. I've yet to see a crystal ball that really works, so at the beginning there was no way you could have been expected to know how things would work out.

A better approach would be to open your heart in case Mr. Right walks by later today. And in case he happens to be on his way to an ice cream parlor.

All the best,
Andrew

Is the holiday season hard on your relationships? Or does this time bring you closer to your friends and family members? Weigh in with your opinion by checking out the current Question of the Week.

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Dismaying Story #84: Painful Love Letters

Dear Andrew,

My girlfriend broke up with me this past summer. I'm not "over" her and I don't think I ever will be. It was kind of an unpleasant breakup, as all are, but we agreed to be friends. I am not going to look for another relationship for a long time because, after this experience, I decided to wait a few years and my parents will arrange a marriage for me as is the custom in my family.

Is it a bad idea to read love letters that this ex-girlfriend wrote to me? Something tells me it's unhealthy. Another part of me says that keeping and reflecting on the good memories is okay. I think part of it is that the letters act as evidence that she loved me. Is this a guilty pleasure that I can afford? I don't think it's wrong per se, but it does make me miss her more. It makes me think of that time we were together and wish that it had lasted.

Signed, Not Over Her

Dear Not Over Her,

The love letters are not your problem. They are simply one way to jog your memory about the relationship you had. You currently have other things that make you think about the relationship, such as when you get up in the morning or when you take a breath. Your problem is that you are having trouble letting go.

You were obviously quite smitten with this girl right up until the time of the break up. Now you are left with all these memories of the great feelings she brought out in you, as well as profound regret that these feelings cannot continue. You are grieving the loss, which is why it hurts to look at the love letters.

A period of mourning is normal after a break up. Eventually, though, you must move past this phase and accept your changed circumstances. In your case I can see at least two factors that may make this difficult for you. First, she is no longer in your life as a partner, which means that you are working only from memories of her. It can be easy in this type of situation to idealize what happened, to forget any of her mundane or less-than-perfect characteristics (other than those you find endearing) and remember only the good. Some people build up an image of a "perfect" ex-partner in their mind.

Not only does that make it hard to let go, but it can lay the foundation for future relationship troubles. Regardless of whether your next relationship begins spontaneously or is arranged by your parents, you still have to make it work. That will be more difficult to do if you are constantly comparing your partner with an idealized memory. No one can live up to such unrealistic expectations, which means you may be dissatisfied for all the wrong reasons and have problems as a result.

It's news flash time, my friend. Your former girlfriend is not perfect either. If you were to get back together with her, over time you would find out she has the same range of wonderful and not-so-wonderful characteristics as the rest of us. Many people have the experience where they fantasize over a former partner, only to bump into them years later and find out that they don't match the memories at all.

If you want to see where this could be headed, read Dismaying Story #44: Hang On Tight about a woman who tried to reconnect with an old flame she had been fantasizing about for twenty-three years. Also check out the comment left by The Memoirist. These stories provide firsthand accounts of the troubles that crop up when we never really break up with someone in our mind.

You say you have decided not to enter into another relationship for some time. This is the second factor that increases the difficulty for you. Oftentimes the best way to get over one relationship is to discover an even better one! Your decision to wait may work out for you, but you should be aware of the additional difficulties this can create.

I can assure you with complete confidence that this former girlfriend is not the one for you. You see, she doesn't want to be with you. Her reasons don't matter. Any good times you shared in the past do not change this about her. You deserve a partner who wants you back, so you need to accept that this relationship is over and move on. Once you have truly done that, you will find that reading the love letters may be poignant, but will no longer be painful.

All the best,
Andrew

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Dismaying Story #53: The Once in a While Boyfriend

Today's story has a unique twist -- it was submitted simultaneously to me and to Useless Advice from Useless Men. We agreed that both sites would post a response today. After you have a look at the story below, you might want to wander over there and see how they dealt with this issue.

Dear Andrew,

My boyfriend tells me he likes his time to himself on nights and weekends, meaning he doesn't want a girlfriend, yet he does. He loves a casual relationship. His initial excuses were that he lost track of time. Then he added why are Friday and Saturday nights more important than any other day of the week? I tried to talk to him about this and he said, "Oh, you're back to that ... again."

I told him I want to break up and he blew me off, saying I'm just crabby. I emailed him a strong letter saying the same thing and more. He stormed over and he argued me out of breaking up.

I got tired of this and posted a profile on a dating site. My profile is so diluted because I'm not really free to date, didn't get my permission to break up. He's aware of my profile, he's checking up on me.

I think this guy just hates to lose. He can't agree to a break up if it's my idea. Sooner or later he will find someone else and then he'll have no problem calling me up to break it off, because it will be his idea.

I'm really writing this to myself. I've just got to kick myself hard enough to stop being stupid.

Signed, Can't Seem to Kick Myself

Dear Can't,

If he doesn't want to see you, this guy is definitely not into you. You'll recognize him in Chapter 2 of He's Just Not That Into You by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo. (Yes, Faithful Reader, you've seen that book before, but when the shoe fits...) He is also arrogant, self-centered and doing his best to dominate you. Do yourself a favor and walk away, today.

But you already know all that. Your letter makes that clear. The important questions to me are these: When you so clearly want to leave, why have you not done so? Why do you feel you need a guy's permission to break up with him?

A relationship only works when both people want it. If one of you wants out then it's over, even though the other person may not be happy about it. That's just how it works. Trust me, you don't need his permission. He can't force you to want him or to spend time with him. Lock the door, hang up when he calls, refuse all requests to get together -- he'll eventually get the hint. If he doesn't, then he falls into the stalker category. That's where police and restraining orders come in, though the vast majority of break ups never come to that.

What bothers me most is that you clearly feel powerless in this situation. Something in your past has trained you to react in this way. This is not about "being stupid." There are other powerful factors at work.

This sounds like a variant of battered woman's syndrome. You have not said anything about physical abuse but there is clearly emotional abuse involved. This syndrome is characterized by learned helplessness, low self-esteem and no psychological energy to leave, which is a good description of your situation.

Whether it happened with this guy or not, something in your past has taught you to feel powerless in relationships. I suspect some part of you believes you don't deserve any better. You know this guy is no great shakes but you're convinced the next one will be cut from the same cloth anyway, so why bother doing anything about it. More than that, you allow him to make decisions for you, even if that is not what you want. You just don't have the energy to do what is needed.

It turns out this guy is not your problem. Your real issue lies within yourself. You must find a way to heal your spirit, to convince yourself that you are fully worthy of a place in the world, that you are just as good as anyone else, that you truly deserve happiness and fulfillment in your life. I can't tell from your letter what inner demons from your past are haunting you, but you need to drag them out into the sunlight where you can reveal their lies so they will shrivel and die. This can be difficult to do alone. Professional advice from a therapist or psychologist can often be tremendously helpful.

Emotional power is a funny thing. If you believe you have none, then you don't. If you truly believe you have it, then you do. Once you find yourself a healthy dollop of self confidence, I doubt you'll ever have trouble with this type of situation again.

All the best,
Andrew

Okay everyone, I'm on my way over to Useless Advice from Useless Men now to see what they have to say on this issue. Are you coming?

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Dismaying Story #21: Best Friends Go to College

Dear Andrew,

Reading your post about The Ghost of the First Love got me thinking. I fell in love at fifteen too. Three years later I am still very much in love with her. I enjoy our relationship immensely; we still make each other laugh all the time.

However, my girlfriend is also my best friend. I have never really had a true best friend, regardless of gender, so having a person so close to me in my life has been a blessing. I am a strong person, I know I can stand by myself if I need to, but I'm unsure as to whether she can or not.

Two years ago her best friend left to go to another school and pretty much stopped contact. Of course she began to lean on me much more and because of that I felt pressure, so decided to end it. I have never hurt anyone so much in my life. I left her completely alone when she needed me the most. We got back together very soon after but she never truly forgave me.

Since then we have both become much more reliant on each other and now we are about to go to University at separate institutions. I am so, so worried for her. I know I should have more faith in her but I regard myself as her emotional buffer.

I'm also more than a little worried about my own emotions. I want to keep together, we both do. Neither of us is blind to how hard it will be but I just want what's best for her. I want her to explore new people and make new friends without me holding her hand. It's just I've done it for so long I worry whether she can or not.

Signed, Emotional Buffer

Dear Emotional,

I never get the complete story when people send me letters. How could I, in such a few words? I am always left wanting more information -- for instance, in this case it would be interesting to know if your girlfriend's view of the situation is the same as your own.

Nonetheless, your letter gives me a strong impression of two shy loners who have hooked up. It seems you each supply much of what the other needs in terms of companionship. By doing so, you "protect" each other from having to reach out to other people, which would be a scary prospect for both of you. In a sense, you have formed a cocoon around yourselves as a couple. This is your own little world with enough emotional support to get you by. You don't have to go shopping around for such needs outside the boundaries of the cocoon.

As you go off in different directions to college, however, you will each be forced to venture out into the big bad world. I say "forced" because Mother Nature has wired all of us to be social creatures. If you were to try to keep entirely to yourself, eventually you would be lonely and despondent, and probably sooner rather than later. The same goes for your girlfriend. You will be forced to reach out to strangers, to try to make new friends.

This can be a daunting prospect for a shy person. I'm just no good at meeting people. I never know what to say. What if they don't like me? You worry about going through this yourself and, because you truly care about your girlfriend, you worry that she will struggle as well.

I can honestly say I understand. Many people who know me now have a difficult time believing how painfully shy and introverted I was in high school. My social skills at the time would probably be rated somewhere in the region of "inferiority complex." I felt no girl would ever want me and I was tempted to "cocoon" when I started to date.

I mention this because I want to tell you about an "Aha!" moment I had several years later. I was walking alone in a shopping mall when a young married couple I knew from high school passed me going in the opposite direction. We were far enough apart that it was easy to pretend I had not noticed them and to continue on without acknowledging them. I was not trying to be rude; this was simply my shy side taking over. I went a few more feet and then said to myself, "This is ridiculous!" I made a snap decision I didn't want to be that way anymore. I turned on my heel, hustled back to them, said "Hi, it's good to see you guys," and we had a wonderful chat.

That was a turning point for me. I proved to myself that I didn't have to give in to my shy tendencies. Ever since then I've made a conscious effort to reach out to people, and you know what? It turns out not to be such a scary thing after all. In fact it's downright liberating. Like I said, this is what Mother Nature wants us to do. (I have a sneaking suspicion it's all part of her master plan. I think she wants us to crave closeness so we'll make lots of babies and perpetuate the species, but maybe that's just my own conspiracy theory.)

To be honest, your comments remind me more of what a parent would typically say, similar to the maturation issues discussed in Dismaying Story #12: Big Bad Dad. You sense that your girlfriend has to "grow up" socially when she goes to college. You worry that it will be difficult for her, that she might not be able to handle it. You wish you could be there to pave the way for her but you know you can't -- she must take some difficult steps on her own.

I bet if I were to talk to her parents (or yours for that matter) they might express many of the same concerns. I would give your parents the same advice I'm going to give you; you need to let young people grow up.

The ability to stand on your own feet and stare down life's problems is a critical skill for all of us. That's why teenagers often start to rebel against authority. They are starting to gain the independence they will need as adults. Parents, though, have just spent years protecting and coaching. It can be stressful to let go, to trust that our children will be able to fly away on their own without falling and getting bruised. We might even be convinced they are certain to take a few hits before they get well and truly off the ground.

The same is true as you worry about your girlfriend. This is the way of the world, though. She will do her best, make mistakes, endure sad days, celebrate triumphs and "Aha!" moments of her own, and emerge on the other side as a more mature and capable individual.

And so will you.

As for the possibility that your relationship might not survive the separation, that is simply a risk you will have to take, just as millions of other couples have done before you. I must say, though, that it might turn out to be healthy if the two of you dated other people at some point. Being involved in more than one relationship can help you gain perspective. This can also help you avoid regrets later in life, when some people look back and wonder what they might have missed by not experiencing more of life when they were young. That said, though, the world abounds with people who married their childhood sweethearts and had fantastic lives together. Bottom line, your feelings for each other will endure if they are strong enough. If that doesn't happen, then something better must have come along.

I'm sure you'll continue to worry. Try to remember that the hardships of going off to college will strengthen both of you in the long run.

All the best,
Andrew

Do you worry about your partner? How does this affect your relationship? You can send me an email with absolutely no shipping or handling charges. The same goes for any comment you enter using the link below. Operators are standing by now. Okay, it's only me ... but I am standing by. Honest.

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Dismaying Story #17: The Ghost of the First Love

Dear Andrew,

When I was fifteen I was in love. I never doubted, never questioned. I could have sworn we were meant for each other. Two years later I went away to school and my feelings suddenly changed; I broke up with him. After that I had a series of failed relationships and a history of cheating. Now I am 21 and in a relationship with a guy who is really great. We have no problems at all - never fight. But still, after six years, I compare my relationships with this first love - and it never seems as intense, as happy, as right. My current boyfriend is everything I ever wanted and yet I am afraid my feelings will change - that I will cheat on him because I am too sure of him and because "bad boys" are all so tempting - and that I will lose the only man that actually has potential. I doubt, I question. And the worst thing is... I absolutely don't know why. Is it me? Or are we just not right for each other? Am I cheating myself?

Signed,
Going crazy

Dear Not At All Crazy,

Your first big love can be an exhilarating experience. Everything is new, exciting, filled with discovery and fueled by the raging hormones that Mother Nature supplies in abundance when you are young. Teenagers often have relatively few responsibilities, so you can spend much of your time being carefree, having fun and enjoying each other. The whole deal is special and memorable, like your first kiss.

Whenever you start a relationship with a new partner, there is often a similar period of newness and excitement. You have the thrill of the first date with this person, the first kiss, the pleasure of discovering what they are like and what sort of couple the two of you can be together. This may not be as life-altering as your first big love but it can still be a rush, a mighty fine experience.

Eventually, though, most of us hope to settle down into one relationship that takes us through the bulk of our adult life. Such mature relationships are still filled with pleasure, just a different kind. Instead of adrenaline-filled excitement, we have the comfort and stability that comes from having a wonderful and committed life partner. We have the contentment of maturing together and achieving life's great accomplishments, such as raising a family. Happily, it is also possible to continually surprise and delight each other by sharing new and fun activities, keeping your sex life interesting and lively, visiting new places together and so on. The excitement doesn't always come "for free" - you have to work at it - and you can never re-create the pure rush of the first time, but there is definitely no need to settle for dull and boring just because you are with one person for a long time.

I believe part of your issue is that you have created an image in your mind of what a relationship "should" feel like. Unfortunately you have based this image on the first big love that happened when you were fifteen. Now as a young adult you are in a more mature relationship, which is entirely normal and appropriate. When you compare your experience now with the adrenaline rush of the first love, however, you realize they are different and wonder if your current boyfriend is somehow lacking.

Of course your current relationship is different. You will never have that first big love again. You will never be fifteen again. Every relationship you have from now on will be more of the mature variety. That doesn't make them any less wonderful; instead it means you will experience the pleasures that make life great in the long term.

What about that boyfriend you had when you were fifteen. What if the two of you had never broken up. Would you still have the same feeling today that you did back them? Would it still feel "as intense, as happy, as right"? In some ways, maybe. If he was indeed the right guy for you, then you could be happy in that knowledge. The adrenaline rush, though, would have faded by now. The two of you would have matured together and so would your relationship. I suspect it would resemble greatly the type of mature relationship you have with your current boyfriend.

What if you met that old boyfriend now and started seeing him again. Could you re-capture the original glory and excitement? You might do so for a short time, the same as with any new relationship. Before long, though, the two of you would be through with the "honeymoon period" and settle into a more mature relationship.

There is just no way around it. Mother Nature wants all of us to grow up; in fact she's rather insistent about it. (And don't send me letters about your Uncle Herbert who never grew up. There are exceptions to every rule :o)

I have no way of knowing if your current boyfriend is "the one" for you. Based on your letter, though, it seems like you are not questioning things because of any faults of him or your relationship. Instead it seems you are placing him in an unfair position. He can't possibly win. You are comparing your current relationship with some idealized memory of what love is "supposed" to feel like. If you continue to do that then every relationship you have for the rest of your life will feel like it is coming up short. You will be in danger of sabotaging any chance you have for long-term happiness.

You mentioned fear. You are afraid your feelings will change, like they have in your past relationships. Hopefully by understanding the unrealistic expectations that have been at the root of your discontent, you can now move past that. Give yourself permission to be happy. Stop holding out for a mind-blowing, hormone-induced buzz. Instead, realize that plain old "happy" is a wondrous thing in itself. If you can achieve that, I bet plenty of Faithful Readers would gladly change places with you.

Finally, you say "bad boys" are tempting. This seems like more of the same pattern. This image offers risk and excitement. Eventually I hope you will realize the incredible value of a partner who is supportive, reliable, committed . . . and who can still give you that weak feeling in the pit of your stomach whenever he walks into the room, even after many years.

In short, I suggest you stop comparing your current relationship with that idealized image. Only then will you be able to decide if your guy is right for you.

All the best,
Andrew

Do you worry about your relationship? Take a few minutes today to email your question. You can also enter a comment using the link below. Comments can be anonymous and the identity of email respondents always remains confidential.

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Dismaying Story #15: The Other Person's Pain

Dear Andrew,

Your story about The Affair-Proof Marriage makes me wonder about my own situation. I have been dating a married man for four years. He is my best friend and the sex is fun, but still I'm trying to end it. Here are a few things that have been bothering me:

1) All the signs of a cheat that you mentioned in your story are dead on. I'm the other person and I notice any little change in routine. Why doesn't the wife see it?

2) I seem to be trying to scare him into thinking I may be moving on but that hasn't changed anything. I would like to figure out how to get back to our friendship and walk away from the sex. This I'm sure of ... I either want him to leave his wife NOW or I want out NOW.

3) Do you think it's possible to be the other woman and it will turn out to be a successful relationship in the end?

As far as my friends know I'm happy, the life of the party. Inside, though, I am lonely, have no self-confidence and I don't trust anyone. Any thoughts?

Signed, The Other Woman

Dear Hurting Spirit,

Much of the discussion about extramarital affairs focuses, quite understandably, on how they impact the spouse and children. Your letter shows that a cheating husband can also create considerable turmoil in the "other" woman's life.

Let me start with your first question. I can think of several possible reasons a spouse might not catch on:

• According to the FAQFarm article Signs of a Cheating Spouse: "Unfortunately, the 'signs' aren't that obvious nor are they that reliable. If he/she is doing it 'right', you won't be able to tell unless you catch him/her in the act." Like you say, though, often the signs are there to be noticed.
• We all have a natural tendency to avoid pain. Few people want to think their spouse is cheating. Refusal to even consider the concept is understandable.
• Marriage is based on trust. If the cheater's spouse trusts him (or her) then the spouse will be more likely to interpret the signs in a positive way, such as: "Oh, but he really is working lots of overtime."

Perhaps other readers can help us out with this issue. Can anyone out there speak from personal experience?

Now let's talk about what a great friend this guy is for you. I believe in the old expression: To have a friend, you must be one in return. A friend has your interests at heart. He wants you to be happy and finds ways to make that happen. He helps you avoid pain.

So what does your so-called friend do? He drops by, gets what he wants and then runs back to his life, leaving you feeling lonely. He robs you of the opportunity to find someone who will truly be yours by allowing you to spend all your time and emotional energy on a go-nowhere relationship. He shows callous disregard for your happiness -- he knows you are discontented yet he changes nothing. I'm guessing he provides you with some intermittent companionship and may drop the occasional compliment on you, but when you look at the big picture he is not being a good friend for you.

Can the other woman ever become the main squeeze? Sure, it happens sometimes. The real question for you, though, is whether you and this guy will stroll off into the sunset together.

Sorry to say but I highly doubt it. You've been together for years, right? Please. He has had plenty of opportunity to decide he wants you instead of her and to go ahead and make that happen. He hasn't done that, though. What should that tell you?

He doesn't want to!

Your "friend" enjoys things just the way they are, thank you very much. Otherwise he would have left his wife for you long ago.

You have a few options. You could keep on keepin' on and nothing will change. Well, that's not strictly true. I suspect you would feel worse and worse about yourself as time goes on. How could you not? After all, the most special adult in your world keeps telling you that you're not good enough to be with fulltime. You're only suitable as a diversion. And as long as everything stays the same, you have little to look forward to. You know there's nothing better coming down the road. Who could maintain a positive outlook in that situation?

Maybe you could do as you suggested -- leave the sex by the roadside and continue on as friends only. Hmmm. Would he be satisfied with that? Hardly, not after years of booty calls. Would he constantly pressure you to get back into bed? Almost certainly, if he sticks around very long, which I find highly unlikely. Would that relationship be satisfying for you? I hope not. As long as he is still in your life, you are not out finding someone who thinks you are plenty special and shows you by treating you that way. And what if someone special did come along –- with your "friend" hanging around, how long would the new guy stay? Not long, I bet.

Maybe you still think your friend might leave his wife. There is an easy way to test that. Give him a deadline, something close to the "NOW" you mentioned. Tell him the sex is done as of this minute and it stays that way until he has left his wife. Give him a firm deadline, no longer than a week. Tell him if that deadline passes with no action, you and he will be through. No being friends, no "for old times sake" rolls in the hay, no talking on the phone – completely done.

You say you would like to end it. If so, you must be strong here. He will try to negotiate a longer deadline, a much longer deadline if he can manage it. He will tell you he needs time to think about it, to prepare, that there is something going on that makes this a particularly bad time and can't you just wait a while longer. Don't buy it.

Now, for all you readers who think I'm advocating breaking up a marriage, I'm not. I have every confidence this guy will stay with his wife. Like I said, he would have left long ago if that was his intention. (Mind you, based on his apparent level of commitment to the marriage, I'm not sure his wife is getting such a great deal by keeping him.) What I am doing is offering a lonely, scared woman a way to convince herself there is no future in this extramarital relationship.

To be honest, the chances are about nil that the deadline would serve any purpose. His preference is already clear and I seriously doubt any deadline will change his mind. So my real advice is this:

• Look in the mirror and tell the person you see that she deserves to be happy.
• Admit to yourself that this relationship is not making you happy, in fact it is sabotaging any chance you might have of finding contentment.
• Save yourself the week of waiting. Show him the door – today – and don't ever look back.

Change is hard. It's scary to give up what you have, even if you know it's not perfect. "At least it's something, right? At least I'm not totally alone. What if no one else wants me? Ever."

Yes, it's scary, but you have to choose between a guarantee that you will be lonely and hurting, versus a chance for something better. You can keep the pain . . . or grab onto hope.

I know which one I would choose every time.

And surely you've heard: there are plenty of fish in the sea. Fish who would love to meet someone like you. Unmarried, available fish. I'm just saying . . .

Sincerely,
Andrew

Are you in a relationship you feel is less than ideal? Do you have life lessons to share based on one of your relationships? Please take a few minutes to email your own Dismaying Story or enter a comment using the link below.

This is a good opportunity to remind all readers that seeking advice from some Internet guy named Andrew is convenient and (hopefully) entertaining. This type of forum should never be considered as a replacement, however, for talking face-to-face with a professional who can learn the details of your situation and provide personalized care.

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