Dismaying Story #139: Why Are We Having Petty Arguments?

Dear Andrew,

My boyfriend and I have been together for six months. He travels for work and has already been away twice, for a month at a time. The long distance sucks but I think we handle it fairly efficiently. We also have a seven year age gap, although he says it doesn’t bother him.

I have undoubtedly brought some issues to our relationship. I have pushed him by moving things more quickly than he desired and I can be insecure. Having said that, we are great together. We don’t disagree on much, have a lot in common, and we both enjoy spending time together. I can tell he cares by the way that he looks at me and how he acts toward me, but the lack of verbal reassurance can be difficult. Sometimes I feel distant and find myself wondering how he feels.

We also have a lot of trouble having effective arguments. I try to fight fairly (though not always successfully) and I don’t think he even considers it. I really try to understand where he is coming from but sometimes it seems he isn’t trying to understand my side.

The following is a recent text message conversation that has driven me to write to you. We have exchanged some photos of ourselves since he has been away. I sent him one and didn’t receive a response. Two hours later, my Facebook homepage was filled with him liking / commenting on things. Thus began our argument via texting:

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Me: Hitting Facebook ahead of answering a picture of me?

Him: You would say that

Me: Well lol doesn’t exactly feel the best when you notice that your significant other has found time to do things on Facebook but not to respond to a picture you took for them

Him: Ever read a text and forgot to respond? Of course not

Me: I didn’t say that. Of course I’ve done that. Although, I’m not sure I’d forget about receiving a picture of you. But I’m sorry if that’s the case in this situation. It was a little difficult to see that come up on my homepage and not feel like I was being ignored

Him: Whatever

Me: This is exactly what I meant about feeling shut down. I’m trying to express how I feel and all I’m getting is shut down.

Him: I have other things on my mind than my girlfriend being upset that I didn’t respond to a text picture before I went on Facebook. I have bigger issues to deal with. Shut out or not, this is ridiculous.

Me: Ok

Him: It’s times like this that I find our age gap really shows

Me: Pulling the age card here is pretty unfair. I have every right to have feelings, and when I’m hurt as a result of something that you did (or didn’t do), I should be able to express myself in a constructive manner. I’m trying really hard to understand where you’re coming from, and I don’t think I’m receiving the same courtesy. I understand that you have a lot on your mind right now, and forgot to answer. So yes, it kind of hurt me, but I’m completely over that. I just don’t like that it seems like I’m not receiving any understanding, and that everything is my fault.

Him: It’s a childish conversation and I’m not having it. I’ll just delete Facebook so this doesn’t happen again. I hate these stupid little arguments.

---

It seems like he was first trying to make this issue my fault, and when that didn’t work he threatened to delete his Facebook to make it go away. I just don’t get it. Am I doing something wrong? What can I do to help our situation? How can I make him see that there is something seriously wrong with the way we argue? Is there any way to help him make the necessary changes?

Sincerely,
Frustrated


Dear Frustrated,

I have good news and bad news for you. The bad news is that the two of you use some of the most common less than optimal habits when it comes to resolving conflict. The good news, however, is that you can replace those habits with more effective ones once you understand what is happening and realize there are better alternatives.

Conflict resolution is a complex topic. I’ll focus on a few key ideas that occurred to me when I read your email. Let’s start by translating part of your conversation into underlying messages:

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You: Hitting Facebook ahead of answering a picture of me? (Underlying message: I’m accusing you of doing something wrong and I’m upset at you.)

Him: You would say that (I’m ignoring the issue you raised and instead accusing you of also doing something wrong.)

You: Well lol doesn’t exactly feel the best when ... (I’m accusing you of doing something wrong and I’m upset at you.)

Him: Ever read a text and forgot to respond? Of course not (I did nothing wrong. I’m accusing you of being unfair. I’m being sarcastic so you’ll know I’m upset too.)

Me: It was a little difficult to ... feel like I was being ignored (I’m accusing you of doing something wrong and I’m upset at you.)

Him: I have other things on my mind than my girlfriend being upset ... this is ridiculous. (I’m frustrated because I don’t know how to resolve the conflict.)

---

Notice that the underlying messages all start with “I.” Each of you expresses your own needs at every turn, rather than addressing your partner’s needs. I don’t think either of you are trying to be selfish, but the focus is clearly inward rather than outward. This leaves both of you feeling like the other doesn’t care about you, and you end up with exchanges that go like this:
“I want this.”
“Well I want that.”
“Yes, but I want this.”

You began the conversation with exactly this type of message, by stating something you wanted (for him to respond to your picture) and implying you were upset that he didn’t provide it for you. As an alternative, what if you had first considered the situation from his point of view? Were there other possible explanations for the sequence of events other than him not caring about you or your picture? Could you have given him the benefit of the doubt, at least until you talked with him?

When you have an issue, a more effective way to broach the subject is to find a positive spin. Instead of saying you’re upset about something you view as negative, turn it around and predict something great if the opposite were to happen. You might have tried something like this, which could have led to a different exchange:

You: Did you get my picture earlier? I was excited to hear what you thought of it. (Underlying message: You value his feedback and attention.)

Him: It was great

You: Glad you liked it. I was kind of disappointed you didn’t respond before but I figured you must have just forgotten. (Underlying message: You noticed the lack of response, but you’re being reasonable and understanding, and you’ve clearly considered the situation from his point of view.)

Him: Yeah sorry I was busy then and when I got back to my phone later I just forgot. It’s great though

By opening the conversation in a more positive manner, you’ve dramatically increased the chances of getting what you really wanted all along, which was for him to show appreciation for you via your picture. And because you haven’t made him feel attacked, he is more likely to apologize without feeling the need to defend himself.

His responses to you in the original conversation also left much to be desired. He employed a classic defend and deflect strategy. “I’ll explain how I’ve done nothing wrong, so the argument must be her fault for unfairly criticizing me. Besides, she does plenty of things wrong too.”

To many people this feels like a logical and appropriate response to an accusation. “If I can show that I haven’t done anything wrong, then I won’t be in trouble anymore.” Unfortunately this type of response usually makes the situation worse. When he says, “I haven’t done anything wrong,” then you hear him say, “Your concerns are invalid. There is no problem. Don’t expect me to contribute to a solution.” This tends to frustrate – and even more likely, infuriate – the person who raised the concern. You believe there’s an issue or you wouldn’t have brought it up. With this type of response from him, it’s no surprise that you sometimes feel like you’re not being heard.

Let’s look at a more effective response to your original opening salvo:

You: Hitting Facebook ahead of answering a picture of me?

At this point he needs to fight down the urge to become defensive and angry about the accusation. With a bit of practice, he can learn to ignore the manner in which you state your need and focus on the fact that you have one. He could figure out that you are feeling ignored and unappreciated, and make the whole problem go away with something like this:

Him: I’m sorry. I really didn’t mean to ignore you. The pic was great! I was just busy when I got it and then I forgot when I got back to my phone. My bad.

He might feel that a response like this would make him look bad, like he was opening himself up for further criticism by admitting fault. On the contrary, this is an effective way to make himself look good. By acknowledging his own role in creating the situation, he is now making it clear he heard your statement of need and he cares enough to address it. You’re now more confident that a solution is on the way and that he will help in creating the solution.

Here’s a good rule that both of you should use. When one of you states a request for change, the other must resist the urge to respond with a counter-accusation. Stick to the first request without muddying the waters with other topics.

The two of you are also dealing with a gender gap issue. You’re very interested in talking about feelings, whereas he’d be happier if the topic never came up. To you, feelings are what relationships are all about. He, on the other hand, feels no need to tell anyone about his feelings so the issue feels trivial and “ridiculous” to him.

This is another area where each of you approached this conversation from your own point of view rather than your partner’s. You could be more effective by realizing that talking about your feelings is likely to make his eyes glaze over. I’m not saying that’s fair to you -- it’s just that he doesn’t seem to have the empathy at this point to deal with extensive discussions about feelings. You’re likely banging your head against the wall by explaining your position in that manner. As I described earlier, try stating your need in terms of a possible positive outcome.

He, on the other hand, could be more effective by recognizing that you being upset is, all by itself, enough of a reason for him to help. It shouldn’t matter if he doesn’t understand or agree with your apparent reasons for being unhappy. It shouldn’t matter if you state your unhappiness in an imperfect way. In my world, if my wife thinks there is a problem, then there is, by definition, a very real problem and it’s my job to help make it go away. (...unless she just wants me to listen and stop short of going into Mr. Fixit mode, but that’s a topic for another day.)

Often all it takes is for one of you to be the hero and respond with, “Yes, I understand. I’m sorry.” That’s usually enough to start draining the tension away.

With both of you using less than optimal strategies, it’s no surprise that your conversations sometimes degenerate into bickering. Obviously you can choose to make changes on your side, but you might be wondering how to get him to change his ways. There are a few things you can try. One would be to get him to read this article. I wouldn’t be surprised, though, if he is less than excited about reading a post by some Internet relationship guy. If that approach doesn’t work, I suggest you focus on your own behavior, not his. The simple reason is that you can’t control how he acts. You can only control your own actions.

If that sounds like bad news, it isn’t. Making choices regarding your own behavior provides all the control you need to initiate change. You are half of the relationship. He acts, you react, then he reacts to what you just did. In other words, you’ve just influenced his actions. The question is whether you’ll influence his actions effectively, in directions that will strengthen your relationship.

The next time you’re tempted to say something negative that he might interpret as a criticism, first try thinking of the situation from his point of view as well as your own. Bring up the topic in a way that makes it clear you’ve looked at it from both sides. Use positive messages more often than negative. Hopefully this will encourage him to do the same.

Finally, don’t lose hope when your change process takes time. It took many years for both of you to develop your current strategies for dealing with conflict, and it will take time to ingrain new habits.

Hopefully that gives you a few ideas to get the two of you started in a better direction. Good luck!

All the best,
Andrew

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Dismaying Story #136: A Recipe for Emotional Healing

Dear Andrew,

I read Dismaying Story #100: Getting Past a Rape and it struck a deep chord within me. I grew up in an emotionally and physically abusive house and was kicked out when I was 13 by my brother’s father. (I am the oldest of three, each with different fathers). He kicked me out for eating his Oreo cookies. Mom moved me into an apartment across town where I lived by myself for several months. She would come by after work and check on me, then go back to his house with my brother and sister.

A man broke in one night and raped me. I don’t even know what color he was because he put a sheet over him, and then placed it over me. When I was about 15-16, the man I babysat for would bring me home at night, after first making a stop in a dark elementary school parking lot, where he would force me to perform oral sex on him while he touched me. This was a pattern repeated multiple times. He was very well-known in the community (still is), a successful businessman, handsome, well-liked, wealthy, married with two children. I couldn’t tell anybody, not even mom, because she thought he was so wonderful.

Another reason I couldn’t tell her was that she didn’t initially believe I was raped. My brother’s father would touch me inappropriately at various times and when I told her, she didn’t believe that either. She said I was imagining it. She wouldn’t have believed me about this other man either.

I am in counseling with a therapist who specializes in PTSD. He told me that I need to forgive, not for the rapists, but for me. Only thing is, I don’t know how to do that. I understand the logic behind his words, but that is all I understand.

The man who I babysat for is now 71, he was in his 40s at the time. Some years ago, I called the police and they said there was a statute of limitations and if I reported him, called him out, or in any manner tried to do anything about it now, this man could sue me for slander. There is so much hate and anger in me that I don’t know how to rid myself of it. Realizing that I am only poisoning myself doesn’t help me get rid of the violent emotions inside of me.

Is there some guidepost to forgiveness? Like I told my counselor, I am a great cook and can follow any recipe I find, but forgiveness is ethereal. There seems to be no recipe to follow. I can't grasp it in my hands, look at it, smell it, taste it, mold it, and so I don't know how to do it.

Signed, Feeling Trapped By My Emotional Pain

Dear Feeling Trapped,

First of all, I am so sorry for the pain you’ve had to endure, both in the past and also today. I haven’t lived through your experiences and so I can’t (and don’t want to) pretend that I understand what you’ve gone through. Only someone who has walked in your shoes can truly say “I understand.” It’s clear, though, that the events you describe are horrific. It’s no surprise that trying to heal from all of that is tremendously challenging.

I’m glad you’re working with a therapist, and one who has specialized credentials. I urge you to continue. No doubt you already know this, but just to be clear for anyone who might read this post: Any thoughts that I might offer should never be considered as an alternative to working with a professional. Nonetheless, you’ve asked for my help and I certainly would like to do whatever I can.

If you haven't already done so, I urge you to forgive yourself for whatever guilt you might still have regarding your role in the abuse. You did not cause it ... not ANY of it. There is no behavior that a teenage girl could do that would / should cause any type of abuse to come your way. You didn't invite it and you didn't deserve it, not in any way. None of it was your fault.

You asked about forgiveness. You want to rid yourself of hate and anger and violent emotions. Can someone in your position really decide to ‘forgive’ the hurtful people from your past, and therefore get past those emotions? And what does forgiveness mean in that context?

Some people find the word forgiveness disconcerting because we associate that word with an action directed at the tormentors. The meaning here is that you need to stop hating. You’ve spent so much time and energy on actively feeling the rage. It has consumed far too much of your life. It is horrible that those abusers and rapists ruined your past, so you need to find ways of preventing them from ruining your future as well.

No doubt your therapist has explained that this is not about absolving your abusers of their responsibility for hurting you. By getting past the hate, you are not accepting in any way that what they did is somehow okay. In fact, the process you need to go through has nothing to do with them. It’s all about healing you, and only you.

If I’m reading your letter correctly, the painful emotions have been ever present inside you for around thirty years, or even longer if we consider that you grew up in an abusive home. You’ve endured decades of negative thoughts and feelings. This is not just a set of events you need to get past; your entire lifetime has been characterized by the hate and anger. You’ve been conditioned over and over again to associate emotional pain with your memories. Every time you remember the past and feel the emotional pain, you become even more strongly conditioned to associate one with the other. Feeling the anger is not a choice you make, it’s a conditioned response … and an understandable one given what you have gone through.

I doubt very much if there is a single person on the planet who could get past that type of decades-long conditioning simply by deciding to do so. It would be staggeringly difficult to say, “Okay, as of this moment I won’t be angry at those people anymore.” Our brains just don’t work that way. It takes much more than that do undo the conditioning.

In short, this type of healing is a process, not an event.

The process starts with your decision to let go of the anger. This is a necessary step, but the decision itself is not what will lessen your anger. Instead, that decision is what starts you down the road to accomplishing a longer-term goal.

The fact that you are working with a therapist is a good indication that you have already decided you want this for yourself. I believe you are already on the road, although you may not recognize the signposts, nor where the road can take you.

Can you imagine a day in the future when the rage is gone? Or at least when it is reduced to some manageable level so you can proceed happily with your day? I bet that sounds like a tremendously tough thing to accomplish. After all, your experience so far has been that your anguish is never ending. Not only can’t you see the light at the end of the tunnel, you may not even be convinced that the tunnel HAS an opening at the end. It can be difficult to muster the courage to take the first step when the road ahead looks impossibly long.

So perhaps one way to get started with your healing process is to set a tiny goal that you have a good chance of achieving, and quickly.

What kind of goal? Well what you’re really after is to spend time without rage and hatred in your heart. Any amount of time you can spend like that is a victory. In psychological terms, each time you do that is a conditioning event where you start to associate ‘you’ with happy thoughts, rather than ‘you’ with anger. This is one way to start breaking the old familiar feedback cycle in your mind.

You can think of a conditioned response (your anger) as habitual behavior, which arises when you have certain thoughts. Right now this happens often. I’m sure you would like to reduce the frequency.

I happen to believe we don’t ‘break’ habits. Instead, we replace them with new behaviors. One starting goal you might set for yourself is to engage your mind in a more positive way. The idea is to make it so the negative emotions have no room to live inside you, even if only for a small amount of time. Maybe it’s half an hour. Heck, maybe it’s only five minutes.

The type of positive activity that will be effective for you is as individual as you are. Some people achieve inner peace through meditation or long walks. Others lose themselves in exercise or a creative activity like painting or sculpting. Perhaps talking with your therapist, a good friend or a support group allows you to spend some time basking in the light, keeping the dark at bay. Whatever turns out to work for you, each moment of peace is proof that you can exert some level of control over your situation, even if it is only briefly and even if the control is tenuous.

It’s a start. And we can even do better than that.

I’m going to take an educated guess that self esteem is part of the issue. How could it not be? Ever since you were young you’ve had people demonstrating how unimportant you must be. Your step-father valued a bag of Oreo cookies more than you. That forced your mother to choose which was more important to her, you or him. She chose him. The men who raped and sexually abused you clearly valued their momentary gratification more than your well being. Who could blame you for coming to the inescapable conclusion that you are not worth much?

Well let me tell you – those people were SO wrong. You are every bit as worthy and deserving of happiness as every other person on the planet. It’s important that you start to gain faith in this as part of your emotional healing. You need to recapture the feelings of self worth that those people did their best to steal from you. By discovering how great you really are, you will recover the lost treasure – you will recover yourself!

In my experience, the best way for you to discover how great you are is for others to show how much they appreciate having you in their life. That’s why I suggest you choose your positive activities with one word in mind – giving.

When we give of ourselves, we usually get back much more. I’m betting that will be ultra true for you. Here are some ideas you might consider.

Drop by an old folks home and spend some time reading to the residents. Many dog owners are shut ins, elderly, or workaholics … so take their dog out for some exercise. The next time you’re out with your girlfriend, tell her how glad you are that she is your friend. Help your co-worker meet her deadline, even when (especially when) it’s not your job to do so. Hold a door open for the person behind you.

The possibilities are endless, the opportunities are every day, and the payoffs can be tremendous. The personal satisfaction you gain will momentarily help to crowd out the hate. Each time you hear “Thank you” and “You’re amazing” – well, those kind words will start to erect protective barriers of self esteem. Over time those fences will make it harder and harder for the anger to find its way back in.

So that’s my recipe for forgiveness. Over time, find repeated opportunities to re-learn what an amazing person you are, crowding out the anger as frequently and in as many ways as you can.

Here are a few ingredients that are important for making the recipe work:

• Be patient. Don’t become discouraged if it seems like the process is taking a long time. You’ve spent decades getting to this point, so give yourself permission to spend whatever time it takes to help yourself.
• Don’t try to do it all alone. Look for help wherever you might find it, whether that’s with friends, professionals, books, online, wherever. Make use of whatever seems to work for you.
• Recognize that partial victories are still victories. Finding yourself angry from time to time doesn’t mean you are failing. If you can eventually hold the pain at bay enough so it’s manageable, that is still a huge victory.
• Expect to go through peaks and valleys. Don’t let the dark days convince you that the good days will never return.
• Celebrate your victories, no matter how small. Use them to help motivate you that gradual success is not only possible, it is inevitable!

On that last point, here’s one thing you really need to understand: You’ve already achieved several victories! Despite the tremendous hardships you’ve gone through, you’ve survived and become a person with some obviously strong life skills. You were able to recognize and admit your challenges, form a goal to find help, identify and obtain appropriate professional help, listen to and really hear his advice, and work hard to find a way to implement the advice. You communicate well and you’re clearly a problem solver. And I’m sure I’ve only scratched the surface.

I can assure you of this – you’ve already begun the process of healing and you’ve already achieved some significant victories. Take heart in that and keep going.

Again, I am so sorry for what you’ve had to endure. It is definitely possible to re-gain your happiness, and it sounds like you’re doing the right things to get there. Please know that at least one person in the universe is pulling hard for you to do exactly that!

All the best,
Andrew

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Question of the Week #28: Justifiable Anger

Dear Faithful Readers,

Many times people have told me about incidents involving a behavior that can be spectacularly harmful in relationships – justifiable anger.

The thinking usually goes something like this: “I’m hurt and I’m really ticked off. This person has messed up big-time and I have been treated horribly. I’m not going to stand for it.”

So the angry person unloads on them, hurling whatever nastiness comes to mind. And they know they are justified in doing so. It doesn’t matter how hurtful or spiteful the words are because the other person deserves it!! “How could they do that to me? Well they’re going to get what they deserve.”

I’ve heard of people in such a state hurling insults, using every nasty name in the book, uttering threats of physical violence, divorce, and just whatever springs to mind. It seems that when some people enter this state, all forms of reasonableness go out the window.

Then at some point the tide turns, the crisis is over, and the person calms down. Now what?

I’ve heard about crushing guilt for all the nastiness, along with promises they didn’t mean any of it and sobbing pleas for forgiveness.

I’ve also heard how the nastiness can elicit apologies from the person being attacked –anything to end the tirade – following which the attacker feels even more certain they were justified and no apology ever ensues.

In either case the threats and nastiness are still out there. The hurt can hide away in the soul and last days, months, even a lifetime, regardless of how many apologies follow the tirade.

Have you encountered this type of behavior? I believe it is incredibly common, so I won’t be surprised if many readers have been on one end or the other (perhaps both at the same time) of such an exchange. Do you think limitless anger can be justified? Does everyone do this to some extent on occasion? In what ways have you seen people affected by this? How would you suggest people could avoid this kind of scenario?

I’d love to hear about your opinions and experiences.

All the best,
Andrew

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Dismaying Story #98: After Her Gay Husband Left

Dear Andrew,

I was married for 24 years to a sweet, funny, intellectual guy with lots of talents. We had three children together, we traveled the world, and we were in the Peace Corps together.

Then one day, out of the blue, he told me he was gay. He had thought about it for 5 years and said I would now have plenty of time to get used to the idea. Within two weeks I received a bill for his HIV and syphilis tests (both negative). He began to wear strange clothes and get fancy haircuts. He brought his gay friends home while I was at work (with the kids there). His address book was full of appointments with a man I know to be gay. He wanted to stay married, but he wanted to go forth and be gay.

We stayed together for one miserable year and then divorced. Our last child was in high school and we were the talk of the town. Most of my friends deserted me. Our children suffered terribly. Both boys were often asked if they were gay like their father.

But here's the thing. I divorced this man eleven years ago. I have moved on in every logistical way -- have a job, am self supporting, have good relationships, and am close to my children. I understand he is gay and I think I have forgiven him. But on some level, I am still grieving. I ruminate about this and think of him every day with sadness and anger. I am often depressed. I can't even imagine a relationship with another man. He told me last year he felt he was not a part of the family, even though he is invited to everything we do. I blew up and wrote him a letter that must have scorched his mailbox.

Shouldn't I be over this by now? What else can I do to get over it? By the way, he is now HIV positive, to my sorrow and anger. Why would a man sell everything of value for gay sex, or is that the issue? How could a man place that over the value of a family, a long history, family unity, and everything else? I would appreciate any comments.

Signed, Still Grieving

Dear Still Grieving,

I’m sorry to hear of your pain. Everyone has their own pace for grieving and healing, so you shouldn’t feel bad because you have not yet found a way to resolve this within yourself.

There are multiple issues involved in his departure from your life. The first is garden-variety rejection, which is devastating all by itself. He wanted you, enough to spend many years with you and create a family ... and now he doesn’t want you anymore. He wants someone else, maybe even several someones. That hurts.

Your ex-husband has gone further by saying he isn’t part of the family, even though he is still father to your children. This is another loss for you. Many divorced folks continue to co-parent, even when one is gay or lesbian. This strikes me as either (a) selfish on his part, (b) a reaction to extreme stress on his part as he searches to understand his own identity, or (c) a combination of both. I suspect (c) is most likely the case. Whatever the reason, it adds to your emotional burden.

Then there is the revelation that he is gay. This is difficult for many people to understand and I believe this is the primary reason you have not been able to come to a full resolution, even after several years have passed.

Focusing on sex is a common reaction when someone close to you comes out of the closet. After all, many people identify this as the one aspect of the gay lifestyle that would be most unfathomable for themselves. In your case you might be able to imagine yourself having dinner with another woman, sharing an apartment, or even walking down the street holding hands. You may have done all of the above with a roommate or relative. But the thought of stripping off your clothes and getting hot and sweaty with someone of the same gender? Many heterosexual people find that image foreign to say the least.

Sex can be a powerful motivator for some people, and I have no way of knowing how much of a factor it was (or is) for your husband. Clearly, though, identifying yourself as gay is about much more than sex.

Turn the situation around and ask yourself this: was sex the primary reason you chose to get married? Or was it a combination of companionship, physical attraction (which includes sex but also more), desire to have a family, and a wish to share a bond of togetherness with someone to whom you are attracted? Of course; it was a combination of factors. The same is true for gays and lesbians. Since sex is not the primary defining characteristic for your relationships, it seems unreasonable to assume it is for others.

This is not simply a matter of him choosing fleeting pleasures over the things you believe to be important in life. Rather, it is analogous to the yearning you would feel if you were raised in a society of lesbians and you came to realize you would rather be married to a man.

That doesn’t explain or excuse his choices to act on the yearning while you still have a child in school (some people might have chosen to wait, others would have found the wait excruciating) or to isolate himself from your family, but hopefully it helps you understand how he could yearn to make the change.

To help quell your feelings of grief, I suggest you examine your judgments about the two lifestyles. You clearly think of his former family life as valuable and good, while his current lifestyle seems less so. You need to recognize that you are making judgments from your viewpoint, which is different from his. To him, his new lifestyle offers such significant advantages that he was willing to endure significant costs to achieve it. (Don’t for a second think is was easy for him to admit that he was gay or to make such radical changes to his life.) Even if you can’t understand those advantages (and admittedly, his HIV positive status likely makes it more difficult and sad for you to do so), you should try to accept that they are real and valuable to him.

You may never get to a place where you are completely comfortable with his choices, but hopefully these realizations can help diminish the constant anguish and wondering that you are going through. Perhaps a greater understanding from his point of view might help stop that never-ending loop playing the question “Why?” in your head.

You might also try reading a book such as the one I feature at the top of this article (the image is linked to Amazon). I wish you the best of luck finding a greater measure of peace over this issue.

With warmest regards,
Andrew

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Dismaying Story #71: Learning Not to Gossip

Dear Andrew,

How can we better teach our daughters (or our children, for that matter) to be more open and honest with their peers? My daughter vented online about her best friend's behavior recently, and now she's sweating it out hoping the friend won't see her comments, which were made in the heat of anger.

I've often told her that she should give complaints to the person who has upset her and no one else, but I see her and her girlfriends repeatedly in a pattern of gossiping and complaining to each other about friends' actions.

Any pearls of wisdom?

Signed, Mom

Dear Mom,

I did a little research after I received your question; I talked to some kids in their first year of high school and a few mothers of high school kids. The small group of people I talked to does not constitute a scientific survey, nonetheless the results coincided with my expectations.

My sense is that virtually anyone is capable of talking to friends A, B and C about friend D, but this seems to be more prevalent with girls than boys, and in some social groups (cliques, if you will) rather than others. Some girls told me this happened all the time among their closest friends (and they assumed everyone does it), while others said they couldn't remember the last time it happened among the girls they normally hang out with at school. The moms echoed this sentiment, saying it was common when they went to school, but that some of their peers seemed particularly prone to malicious gossiping.

The interesting thing to me is to understand which kids, regardless of gender, are more likely to take part. Here are a few of the comments I received:

"It's the people who are more worried about being popular."

"They care the most about what people think of them -- the kids who were into wearing makeup first, that sort of thing." (And no, I don't think makeup is the issue. This is merely the way a child was able to describe her perception of the difference to me.)

"They gossip because they are insecure. They want to be liked."

This is the part that coincides with my expectations. Let's consider two fictitious young people, whom I will call Abigail and Betty. (They could be Al and Bob for that matter; the same psychological principles apply.) Abigail is confident in her self-image. She recognizes she is human and has flaws like anyone else, but she thinks of herself as basically a good person and assumes most people have a reasonably positive view of her. Betty, on the other hand, appears confident on the outside but has a little voice inside that constantly reminds her of her inadequacies. She is not sure at all what others think of her.

Of these two girls, Betty is clearly more attuned to how others treat her. Her social antennae are constantly unfurled and ready to interpret what the people around her say and do. She is looking for clues as to whether she is perceived positively or negatively by others, and the way she feels about herself may yo-yo up and down depending on her most recent observation.

Now put Betty together with a group of kids who feel the same way. They share a similar focus: who said what about whom and what that means. This is an incredibly big deal for all of them. As usually happens when a group shares a common interest, this will naturally be a frequent topic of conversation.

This leads to a key observation; gossiping is the symptom, while the underlying issue has to do with the way kids measure their self-worth based on cues from others. Not surprisingly, quite a few adults continue to use the same yardstick.

Parents can try to address either the symptom or the underlying issue. I suggest you work on both.

You are already coaching your daughter in social skills around conflict management. Keep it up. Tell her to assume that anything she says to one friend will eventually be heard by the entire school, including the person she is talking about. Your daughter will then feel bad because (a) she has hurt a friend, (b) others will know she hurt someone, and (c) now that friend may do or say something hurtful in return (and we have a pretty good idea how that will impact your daughter's self-image). If she wouldn't say it directly to her friend, then she shouldn't say it to anyone else because there is no such thing as a secret.

Tell her the kids who are liked best by everyone are those who don't gossip, for exactly the reasons mentioned in the last paragraph. Ask her if she wants to be one of those likable people.

Talk to her about her choice of friends. Hanging with others who lack confidence can be an effective way to reinforce and firmly entrench her insecurities. Remember: "If they'll gossip with you, they're gossiping about you."

Dealing with the underlying issue can be more of a long-term project. You can start by helping her recognize that mischievous inner voice. Ask her about one of her recent accomplishments. Perhaps she made the cheerleading squad. What are the chances that as soon as she was alone after the tryout the little voice piped up and said, "Sure, but you know you're not as good as most of those other girls." We all do this at times. Help her understand that she can reply to the voice: "Thank you for your input, now go back and hide in your dark corner and be quiet." Often simply recognizing the source of that negative self talk can lessen its power.

Explain to her the relationship between gossiping and self esteem. Get her to read this article if you think it will help her see the connection. Recognizing and acknowledging the root of the issue is a powerful first step toward change.

Teach her that her self worth is not defined by what other insecure kids have to say about her. She is much more than that. Tell her repeatedly what you think of her as a person and how glad you are that she is part of your life. Catch her accomplishing and being good; praise her for it. Help her recognize her own value and strengths. If she learns to define herself from within, then what others have to say will seem dramatically less interesting and not worth discussing.

Good luck!

All the best,
Andrew

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Dismaying Story #43: The Not So Handyman

Dear Andrew,

My husband and I have been married for six years and our house is a mess. From the outside it looks like we are always in the midst of a yard sale. Many repairs are needed but nothing gets done unless I roll up my sleeves and do it myself.

My husband says all the right things when I go to him with my problems. He agrees to comply with my requests. He agrees to clean up his messes and give me my own set of tools (like I used to have before he took over). He agrees to stop spending money on foolish things and instead put the money in house repairs and badly needed upgrades. He agrees to a lot of things.

His job is seasonal, so he promises that when winter comes he will get projects done around the house. Instead, he spends money (that was supposed to help us make it through the winter) on eBay for his expensive hobbies. Three winters in a row he has done this. He lied to me about the spending, finally confessed, and then continued to do it. No projects were ever done.

Then he will say, "When summer comes and the days are longer, I will get the projects done." In other words, they will never get done.

This has been going on for our entire marriage. I noticed early on that he didn't pitch in and help me with projects like painting or yard work. Yet, I helped him with things that are typically considered man's work. I assumed we were a partnership and we would help each other. In fact, he never even gave me a word of appreciation.

All the while his demeanor is so sweet and kind. His voice is always sounds caring. He portrays to the world the image he wants them to believe.

So, when he does not follow through on what he says he is going to do and I approach him about it, he lies, pouts, or leaves.

Finally, I got an answer from him as to why he is that way. He said, "I don't want to do things on your timetable." In my opinion, he resents me and is taking out his anger by NOT doing anything. He won't confront me because that might make him look like the "bad guy." It is so confusing because, as I said, he says the right things and he appears outwardly to be caring. He hugs me and tells me he loves me but his actions say otherwise. (By the way, he does not demand anything of me. He couldn't care less if I do any housework. He doesn't even eat dinner with me. He eats a bag of popcorn or candy. So I feel that I have no value in his eyes).

I thought we were making progress in counseling, but then he decided he wanted a motorcycle. That would be fine if the clutter was gone and we had the money, but none of that is true. I became so angry that I cut up the carpet, which was badly in need of replacement anyway. The next weekend, I painted the living room, bathroom and bedroom -- no easy task. When my husband came home I told him I was able to move all the furniture, but was not able to move the bed back in place. He said, "That's ok." That's ok? I wasn't asking for forgiveness or approval. I would have liked him to say: "Wow, I can't believe you moved the furniture in the first place. And the paint job looks great! Thanks for getting that done for us. I know it wasn't easy." Just half of that would have made my day.

He doesn't get it from my point of view, which leaves me with anger issues toward him. Sometimes I feel like the marriage is probably over. Can you tell me what is wrong with this guy?

Signed, Feeling Useless and Ignored

Dear Definitely Useful,

I would have to talk with your husband to get the full picture. I can draw a few conclusions, though, based on the following facts from your story:

• Your husband is willing to live in a mess, while you are not.
• He is aware of your needs and yet he does not step up and take care of them, despite promising to do so.
• He does a poor job of making you feel valued and loved.
• You exhibit considerable anger toward him.

All of this is so problematic that the two of you are in counseling, which sounds appropriate for your situation. When angry emotions make it difficult to make progress by yourselves, it can be good to have an independent third party to help smooth the way.

I suspect several factors are at work. The first is what I would refer to as a maturity issue with your husband. When we are young we often are free to dedicate much of our time and energies to playing with hobbies. As life progresses, however, we must learn to balance these activities with adult responsibilities. Your husband consistently chooses to have fun without taking care of business first. Money and household repairs are obviously large issues for the two of you, yet he plays the winter away without first addressing either of these problems. He could help your situation tremendously if he learned about "work before play."

He sounds as if he is able to do the household projects. He has the tools, is able to hold down a seasonal job, and shows enthusiasm and energy when it comes to his hobbies. The question, then, is why he doesn't want to take care of the house repairs. Part of it might be simple laziness but I don't think that is the answer. Like I said, he shows plenty of energy for the activities that interest him.

I suspect you came very close to answering your own question when you suggested that he harbors resentment. The incident with the carpet shows that you sometimes express your anger in demonstrative ways. I'm guessing he has probably heard plenty of loud and angry words from you. He, on the other hand, has difficulty expressing himself freely and truthfully. He bottles up his feelings and says mostly nice things, even though it is clear there are issues between you. The two of you have considerably different personalities when it comes to resolving conflict, and you have yet to find a way to make these different approaches work together effectively.

I get the sense you feel like you have little control over the relationship. He "inherited" all the tools, which wasn't by your choice. The projects didn't get done, though you would like that to happen. Money is spent in ways you would not choose. You feel powerless.

The first thing I would like you to come to grips with is that you have considerably more control than you realize. You are half of the relationship. He acts, you react, then he reacts to what you just did. In other words, you have just influenced his actions. Unfortunately you don't seem to be influencing his actions effectively, in directions that would strengthen your marriage.

For instance, you express plenty of anger and frustration. What has that bought you so far? Does it elicit the behavior from him that you want? Obviously not. Instead you get a passive aggressive response where he says all the right words but doesn't follow through.

So it's time to put on your thinking cap. What actions on your part might encourage him to respond differently? For example, what if you calmly suggested making an action plan to take care of a specific household project? Pick a task that is obviously doable, pick a date or timeframe when you know he is available, and ask him if he thinks that would work.

Based on your history, I understand how you might feel you are way beyond asking. You might feel that demanding is more appropriate at this late stage, that he has not earned anything better. Asking is almost certainly the only way, though, to get the result you want. You need to empower him, to make him feel valued, like you think he is competent. You need to stroke his male ego. Let him know that despite all that has gone on, you still have confidence that he can do a good job on these projects. If you give him a demand, he will resist as a way of retaining his place in the household pecking order. Instead, ask his opinion. "What do you think dear? Which day would be better for you, Wednesday or Saturday?" Then, when he suggests next Tuesday, give him some enthusiasm. "Sure, that would be great!"

Find ways to "catch him being good" so you can heap praise on him. Show him how much you appreciate his efforts. He must do something around the house, like taking out the garbage. Start the process of change by reacting positively to his efforts. Do more than just say "I appreciate that." Give him a smile, a hug, a bottle of beer -- whatever will make him feel good in some tangible way. In cases like this, actions speak louder than words. (You already know this; his supportive words have meant little compared to his unsupportive actions. Don't make the same mistake in the other direction.)

"Wait a minute," I can hear you saying. "You mean after all he has put me through, I'm supposed to be nice to him? How is that even remotely fair? Why should I have to be the one to fix this? He's the one who wouldn't do the projects. He's the one who lied to me. He should be the one to change, not me."

Sure, that is the result you want. The problem, though, is that you can't control his actions. You do, however, have complete control over your own actions and can use that to influence him. In every problematic relationship, someone has to be the one to step up first. Someone has to say, "This isn't about who is right and wrong anymore. I just want things to change, so I'll start by changing my own behavior."

More than that, you need to accept responsibility for your role in creating the mess you are in. He has been reacting to you. You chose your own behavior, so in a sense you chose his reactions as a consequence. If you accept this as a problem with "us" instead of simply a problem with "him" then you will be closer to the positive mindset you need to work toward a more effective solution.

This might sound like a knock on you but it really isn't. You are in a tough situation and have reacted in an understandable way. Don't give yourself a hard time over what you may or may not have done in the past. Instead, take this as an empowering message -- there is something you can do.

I feel like this discussion addresses only one dimension of your complex situation, but it is a critical aspect of your relationship. He obviously doesn't react well to anger and criticism. If you can recognize that, I suspect you will be closer to identifying and using more effective motivators for his personality type. Hopefully that will open the door for him to reciprocate and to start making you feel valued as well. Kindness and supportiveness tend to be contagious. By showing appreciation toward him, you may find the same thing starts to happen in the opposite direction.

All the best and good luck,
Andrew

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