Dismaying Story #109: Mr. Indecisive

Dear Andrew,

I am currently in a relationship with my girlfriend of about 18 months, however we've known each other and have been involved off and on for the last 12 years. All this time she has always wanted to be in a committed serious relationship and I resisted, meanwhile getting into those very same type relationships with other women. For some reason I just never thought it'd work out or that we were compatible. We would see each other for a couple months at a time before one of us would say or do something to anger the other and we wouldn't speak for months. We followed this same routine for 12 years (not including when someone was in a relationship).

Eventually I decided to do what I felt everyone (friends and family on both sides) felt like I should do, which was "be" with her. Admittedly, allowing what others thought was right to influence me was the wrong thing to do. But I really do love her and I felt like that was enough. Well, immediately into the relationship, the issues began to arise. We fight regularly over simple matters that I attribute to us being and thinking so differently on EVERYTHING.

After about a year we decided to try living together. She moved into my house and this was a much easier transition than either of us expected. But I had hoped it would help our relationship and it hasn't. Basically, my way of coping with the constant conflict between us is to shut down and just try not to incite anything. The only way I could do this was to keep interaction to a minimum, which of course was detrimental in its own way. I started to feel like I was unable to be myself around my own girlfriend for fear that a fight would break out over something I'd done or said without realizing it.

I made an emotional connection with another woman, which my girlfriend found out about. She considers this cheating and I've always known her stand on emotional/physical cheating. It's all cheating. So now, she is waiting for me to make a decision on whether or not I feel that the relationship is worth working on. She says I've never given her the opportunity to "fix" our problems because I wasn't communicating with her but instead, I was shutting down, avoiding the issues (she's in school for her doctorate in psychology also).

She has always said I should not feel obligated to her, that I should only try to save the relationship if I really believe it can work. The problem is I don’t believe it can work but I'll always feel obligated to make her happy after so many years of disappointing and hurting her. I don't know that I'm willing to hurt her one last time.

Unfortunately, I feel the damage has been done and I'm not sure I can be happy in this situation anymore. However, I also know how miserable I will be if she leaves. I'm well aware that if she leaves, chances are, I'd never see her again. She's made it very clear that it would be almost impossible for her to forgive me.

Am I just afraid to tell her that I think it's too late to fix the relationship or am I afraid of how serious this relationship is and will be?

Signed Mr. Indecisive

Dear Mr. Indecisive,

Your letter says in several ways that you don’t want to be with her. “I never thought it would work out. I thought we weren’t compatible. I’m not sure I can be happy with her. I don’t believe it can work. It’s too late to fix things.”

Okay, I’ve got it -- despite your longstanding friendship with her, you don’t think this is a good relationship for you.

So what makes you think staying with her would be such a good deal for her? Why would you let your friend invest her time and emotional energy into a guy who doesn’t believe she is the most amazing partner ever? Why would you allow her to sell herself short like that? You said it yourself -- you are not participating fully in the relationship, which means she is getting a raw deal.

Maybe you could change. Maybe you could get serious and give this gal your all. That’s a nice idea but it seems to me you already tried that when the relationship first started. It didn’t work. The disagreements and disconnect started immediately.

What will likely happen if you hang on? My prediction is the turmoil will continue; your history shows this is highly probable. You will continue to feel trapped and dissatisfied. She will continue to sense your obvious discomfort, which means she will also be dissatisfied. Eventually one or the other of you will be so tired of the same old pattern that the relationship will end, but only after prolonging the dysfunction for a while.

You said you feel obligated to make her happy. Trust me; that’s not what you are doing by hanging on.

You should do her a favor and end it now. This may be a difficult message in the short-term, but it is a much more painful situation if you keep her in a doomed relationship for longer than you have to. The sooner you release her, the sooner she can find a guy who will be truly into her.

I wish both of you all the best in working this out.

With warm regards,
Andrew

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Dismaying Story #108: The Mid-Level Manager

Dear Andrew,

I have been with my girlfriend for seven years. We have a child together.

She began cheating on me five years ago, and then it started again two years ago, multiple times. Finally, I had to end the relationship, despite counseling we went through. She continued to have the affair, during 6 months of counseling.

I am a very rational person and chose not to be bitter, for both my sake and my daughter. My partner then proceeded to "lure" me back into the relationship, while still being separated. I began to get back into the relationship carefully. She is living apart from me, but I have been to get her back, despite what she did to me (yes, it is sort of humiliating). She is still having multiple relationships hidden from me, and still wants to keep me as a plan B. She cannot be trusted.

She does have several emotional issues, as a child (raised by alcoholic parents both who were dead before 50 years of age). It seems she is not happy with herself and is addicted to attention. Her outlet is sexual attention from as many guys as she can get. She denies it all. I suggested personal counseling but I don’t feel she is capable of doing it.

I have never been able to discuss emotional issues with her because it hurts, which has been the thrust of some of our problems. I almost consider the way she has disregarded my feelings as emotional abuse.

I really believe anything is possible. I am a Mid-Level Manager and believe in developing employees into positive peak performers. I have been credited with turning around many problematic employees. I guess that’s similar as to what I am trying to do here. However, this is definitely different. I cannot control / influence the actions of this girl. She believes she needs time, but we’re spending time going down a dangerous slope.

The sad thing is, I love her so much and I want my child to have parents who are together. I think I have convinced myself she is right for me, and I fear starting over with someone else.

Why is she still hanging on to me? Why won’t she tell the truth? Am I just another pawn in her game? I could use some advice.

Signed, Unsure What To Do

Dear Unsure,

You ask why she does the things she does, but the issue to me is this -- why do you do the things you do? Why do you stay with in a relationship with so many obvious problems? You’ve suggested a few possibilities, so let’s consider them one at a time.

You want your daughter to have parents who are together. Fair enough. That’s a good thing ... if by staying together you are providing her with positive role models and a healthy, nurturing environment. I question whether this relationship can provide that for her. What will she learn from seeing her mother being unfaithful over and over again, or from seeing you accept poor treatment and a complete lack of commitment from your partner? Children mimic what they see and grow up to emulate what they’ve known. In some cases it can be in the child’s best interest to not maintain a broken home.

You think there’s a chance you can turn her around, which will then turn the relationship around. While your partner may eventually resolve some of her internal issues and change her behavior, you’ve got seven years of recent history that shows how unlikely this is to happen anytime soon. And this is entirely different from managing people in a workplace, for several reasons. Obviously this is personal rather than professional, neither of you have a subordinate role (at least I certainly hope not), and your emotional involvement is monumentally higher. You can think rationally while at work, while that can be much more difficult when it comes to your partner.

You love her. You think she might be “the one” so you should hang on no matter what. Well you can think of love as a feeling or as a behavior. Two people can have all sorts of fuzzy feelings for each other, but it’s their behavior that actually impacts their partner. Is your partner acting in a loving way toward you? Is she acting in a loving way toward your daughter by honoring her parents’ relationship? Clearly not. I don’t know what defines “the one” for you, but I would hope you would have higher ambitions for a life partner than that.

You fear trying again with someone else. I suspect that has more to do with your desire to hang on than any of the other reasons. The future is full of scary unknowns if you walk away. Will the next woman hurt you too? Will you be able to find someone else who doesn’t mind the fact that you are already a father? “Will anyone else even want a person like me?” you ask yourself, and you suspect the answer is “No.” If you can convince yourself that you are worthy of love and commitment (and you are), I suspect this will go a long way toward making it clear how you should move forward.

She hangs onto you because you allow her to do so. She isn’t looking for a committed relationship with all those other guys, and she is clearly incapable of providing one for you. This is not a game to her -- instead I suspect she is an incredibly unhappy person who is engaging in self-destructive behavior for any number of dysfunctional reasons. Telling the truth would mean admitting her problems and, in all probability, losing you.

Your partner has some work to do if she wants to feel better about herself, and I think the same is true of you. Her repeated infidelity has turned your partnership into a mockery. She lies to you and cheats on you. If I were you, I would want more out of a relationship than that. You should seriously consider whether your reasons for staying are valid.

All the best,
Andrew

This story involves an element of fear, which is the focus of the current Question of the Week. If you haven't yet had a chance to pitch in, I'd appreciate hearing your views on the subject.

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Dismaying Story # 96: Uncharacteristic Behavior

This question came to me by way of my colleague Rod Smith, a family therapist, coach, author and newspaper columnist whose blog is listed in my sidebar under Difficult Relationships.

Dear Andrew,

My girlfriend and I, both 24 years old, have been in a committed relationship for four and a half years. We both form part of an extended social group involving university and church activities. She has been loved and accepted as part of my family as we intend to marry after we complete our studies in 2007. All of her immediate family has emigrated. We have slept together but in the context of a committed loving relationship.

Recently, all within a few weeks, she began an sms flirtation with the boyfriend of a friend of hers (an old school friend not part of our group who is overseas for a while) which developed into exchanging provocative emails in which she sent him full frontal nude pictures of herself. They did meet a few times and she then drove a considerable distance to spend the night with him one night. This obviously took place without my knowledge.

Through our extensive social network, I and our friends have found out, and are shocked and confused by her uncharacteristic behavior and betrayal. She does not deny anything, but strangely does not understand and can not explain her actions and appears to be embarrassed and upset about what she has done, although I have to wonder if this has only surfaced because she has been found out.

My family and I now face a choice of assisting her (and me) perhaps with counseling to discover the root of her actions and reconcile, or to move our lives forward without her to avoid further betrayal.

My question is – can you offer any insight as to why someone might suddenly behave in a manner so out of keeping with their normal character, and although understanding the hurt she has caused can not offer any explanation?

Signed, Baffled and Surprised

Dear Baffled and Surprised,

When you say her dalliance is uncharacteristic, ask yourself if that is in comparison with (a) her inner characteristics, or (b) your experience with her. It can only be the latter, because there is no way for you to understand her nature except through her external actions; only she can experience her hopes, desires, dreams, and emotions directly.

In the past you have seen her behave as a committed, church-going individual. Now you see a completely different side of her exposed and you ask yourself if your longstanding opinions could be wrong. You planned to marry, and you became committed to this plan in every sense of the word. You have invested a considerable amount of time, energy and emotion into your dream for the future, and quite understandably you would rather not have to abandon this dream and start over. You are grieving the possible loss of your idyllic future together and grasping for some possibility that would allow you to regain what you have lost.

Your letter implies the possibility of some psychological or medical condition that might explain the affair as an uncontrollable sudden impulse that surprised even her, something for which she could be treated and cured so you could have your future back. This is so extremely unlikely that I would categorize it under wishful thinking on your part. If she had some treatable condition that affected her behavior to that extent, this would have exhibited itself in many aspects of her life.

Instead, she behaved normally toward you in every way while she snuck around behind your back and very deliberately worked her way from flirtation to brazen overture and finally a sexual affair. She clearly wanted this, planned it, orchestrated it and made it happen. Is this out of character for her? In one sense it is -- this is a departure from your past experience with her. She has now shown you, however, that her true nature extends beyond what you have known in the past. You have discovered her to be two-faced, deceitful and selfish, but this is inconsistent with your cherished future plans so you don't want to believe it.

She is embarrassed because she got caught, period. She is not at all confused about why she had the affair; she did it because she wanted to, because her commitment to your relationship is nowhere near as complete as your own. She didn't offer any explanation to you because she had none that would satisfy you and allow your relationship to continue. She wants her safe engagement and her fun on the side, and she knows she would lose you if she told you the bald truth about why she had the affair.

If you marry this woman, you are letting yourself in for more of the same kind of treatment. Continuing with her will send a clear message that she can engage in whatever kind of behavior she wants and you will find a way to sweep it under the rug and keep on truckin'.

This is not a case for therapy. My advice is to run. Cut your losses and start fresh.

All the best,
Andrew

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Dismaying Story #81: Jealousy Over Past Partners

Dear Andrew,

I am in my ninth month of a relationship with my current girlfriend and I care about her very much. The problem is I was a virgin when we first had sex. I am the seventh guy that she has been with. I really care for this girl and I love her very much. We are both eighteen years old. She has made it clear to me that she doesn't think about them at all. I just want to know what I can do because I still have feelings of absolute hatred for her past relationships and flings. I really think that if I didn't love her like I do, I would leave her because it's very hard to take at times. How do I get over this?

Signed, Wishing I Was First

Dear Wishing,

Mother Nature is a very effective salesperson. She starts working her wily ways as soon as young people are old enough to physically become parents, trying to get them to have sex with each other. The urges are strong and I am enough of a realist to know that in many cases Mother Nature has her way.

Despite that, my advice to teenagers is to be very cautious about how early you become sexually active. Some of the risks are obvious -- pregnancy and sexually-transmitted diseases -- so you take the pill and use condoms and feel you are protected. No method of birth control is one hundred percent effective, and condoms have been known to break, so there is always some risk. More than that, such measures do nothing to protect you from the emotional landmines that sex introduces into a relationship, especially when the people involved are still maturing.

Two people can hold hands and kiss and touch, and it can feel like sex should be just an extension of that. Some people might think nothing will really change in the relationship if they go that one step further. Like it or not, that's simply not true.

Young women have many potential concerns. Pregnancy impacts both people involved, but obviously more so for the girl. Often girls worry about whether they will get a reputation as someone who is loose and easy. For many people, sex implies a deeper commitment to the relationship, which can add pressure if things don't always go smoothly or when you break up. Girls tend to be taught that good girls don't, so their inner voice can pipe up and suggest they are now a bad person, that the sex is wrong. This can make it difficult for them to relax and enjoy the sex (which makes me wonder if it is worth doing in those circumstances). And here is another common lament: "Does he really like me, or does he only want to be with me because I give him the sex he wants? Would any guy want me if I didn't put out?" I could go on.

The list is somewhat shorter for the guys, but can still cause plenty of dismay. "Why can't she just relax and enjoy it like I do? Why does she have to act like it's such a big deal?" The answers are essentially found in the preceding paragraph, but young men frequently lack the insight to understand the concerns involved from the girl's point of view. This apparent lack of empathy can, in turn, deepen the issues for the girl, creating a self-perpetuating cycle of problems.

Another common concern for young men is the one expressed in the letter. Despite the realities of pre-marital sex, society perpetuates the image of two virgins on their wedding night as ideal. A virginal boyfriend can feel that his more experienced partner somehow falls short of that vision. More than that, the dating game for guys is one of attracting a girl, beating out the competition. They want the girl all to themselves and past sexual partners can be perceived as competitors. This may seem illogical -- they are, after all, in the past -- yet your letter is an example that proves my point. "She has made it clear to me that she doesn't think about them at all." In other words, you worry that she still thinks about and has feelings for those other guys, that you are competing with them for her feelings.

The bottom line is that life is simpler in teenage relationships that don't involve sex.

To me, your situation is all about (a) knowing what you want in life, and (b) your emotional development. Perhaps you would truly prefer a virginal partner, someone who fits with that societal ideal. You may not be attracted to a girl who has had several partners at such a young age. If so, then this is not the girl for you and you should move on. If that's the case, though, you should examine your own behavior; by having sex with her you have created exactly the situation you are trying to avoid. It would be hypocritical to act one way and expect others to behave differently.

I don't believe that is what is going on with you, though. You simply can't get past that competitive mindset. The image of her with someone else drives you bananas, and you worry about what those images mean to her.

Here's the thing. This is your first sexual relationship so it feels extra special to you. You have never had this feeling before and you can't imagine it going away. The natural assumption is that she must have had this special feeling for those other guys, which makes it difficult for you to imagine that her extra-special feelings for them could have disappeared. You have never had the experience of moving on to a new relationship after having sex, so you find it hard to understand what it must be like for her, and you imagine the worst.

If a girl has a sex-less relationship and breaks up, her partner becomes an ex-boyfriend. The relationship is over, done with. If she has sex and then breaks up, her partner becomes (surprise, surprise) every bit as much of an ex-boyfriend. The fact that sex took place does not increase the threat to subsequent beaus.

You need to come to the realization that this is not about her; it's all about your own insecurities. She is with you because she wants to be. Count yourself fortunate and let the past go.

All the best,
Andrew

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Dismaying Story #64: A Love Triangle with a Twist

Dear Andrew,

For the past six years I have become extremely close to a girlfriend of mine...not in a sexual sense at all, but as a 'we really GET each other' sense. We socialized all the time together...shared our most private thoughts and confidences with each other.

She's now dating my ex-husband. I haven't been with him for over seven years and yet I find this incredibly difficult to deal with. To begin with I almost encouraged it. It all started out as a joke of sorts with flirting and carrying on, both of them recently out of relationships and feeling vulnerable. I love them both and want them to be happy. Why is it that I don't seem to be able to cope with them doing that TOGETHER?

I'd always thought there was an unwritten rule that you don't hook up with your best friend's exes. Regardless of how long ago it was they were together. At first I thought I'd adjust, but as the months passed it became obvious to me that I was NOT going to adjust and that if I was really honest with myself, I'd never been happy about it at the start anyway.

Eventually I pulled away from her and said I needed more time to get used to them. She panicked and the two of them called it a day. That's not what I wanted...I just wanted to step back and let them relax and enjoy each others company without me being involved. We were all quite awkward around each other and it seemed the best solution.

So, then she comes back to me and tells me they're no longer seeing each other. I think she expected us to go back to the way it was, but I couldn't. For me the damage had been done. She continued to ring and visit and just as I was starting to get back on track and feel comfortable the 'old' way again, I found out she's actually been sneaking around seeing him and sleeping with him anyway. I only found this out because I had my suspicions with various things she'd say or do, and I waited for her to say something. She didn't so I approached my ex husband. We have a solid relationship as parents to the boys and we're good friends. I expected only honest answers from him and I got them.

I confronted her, we spoke about it rationally and in the end I closed the door on my friendship with her. I miss her terribly and I miss the different views and perspectives she used to bring to my life, but I actually don't feel I want to share any of my personal thoughts with her any longer.

Am I being selfish about this? I don't have any romantic feelings toward my ex husband any longer, so I don't believe that has something to do with it. I will say I struggled with the fact that my girlfriend deceived me. That was a HUGE trust issue for me.

Do I need to just get over myself and stop being so stubborn about this issue?

Signed, Minus One Good Friend

Dear Minus One Good Friend,

There certainly can be an "Ewww!" factor when two people with whom you are close start becoming more than just friends. This dynamic is commonly used in stories to heighten the tension around a new relationship, often with a sibling and a best friend. Think Chandler and Monica on Friends hiding their relationship from Ross, or Harry Potter seeking his friend Ron Weasley's approval for kissing Ron's sister Ginny. This also happens with ex-boyfriends, two close friends, widowed or divorced parents, or, as in your case, ex-spouses.

So why do you have that reaction? My theory is that you have existing relationships with those two people and you don't want that to change. Sure, you can still have relationships with both of them, but the budding romance means things won't be quite the same. Can you confide in your girlfriend quite as much, when you have to wonder if she'll talk to her new beau about it? You are good friends with your ex, so the same issue also applies in that direction. And what if they break up? You may be caught in an uncomfortable position in the middle. Their romance threatens your status quo.

I don't believe there are any "rules" about these types of situations. You gave up any right to influence your ex-husband's choice of dating partners when you divorced him, and girlfriends don't normally exercise that kind of control over each other. The issue here is whether they should have avoided this relationship to protect your feelings.

Well, you have two people who are alone and starting to feel an attraction for each other. They have a chance to enrich their lives with each other, to develop something special. Are the existing friendships you have with these people inherently more special or more important? On the other hand, the relationships with you came first. Should those relationships preclude the third one starting?

You also mentioned the trust issue with your girlfriend. Let's consider why she was hiding her involvement with your ex. Did she do this out of maliciousness or because she wanted to hurt you? Not at all. She could tell from the beginning you were uncomfortable, which put her in an awkward position. She didn't want to give up her chance for a romance, but neither did she want to give up her valued friendship with you, so she tried to have both. I'm not saying this excuses her dishonesty, merely that it has nothing to do with trying to hurt you and everything to do with her desire to keep you as a friend. She sensed she would lose you if the truth came out, and it turns out she was right.

One way you might gain some comfort is to put yourself in their place. Try realizing that their needs are every bit as important as your own. Imagine what it would feel like to be your girlfriend; she sees you valuing your own status quo more than her chance for happiness. How would it make you feel if the shoe were on the other foot?

There is nothing that says you must get over this and become comfortable with it. You may always feel uncomfortable with their relationship, and there are plenty of other people who would feel the same way. That is completely understandable. It is unfortunate, though, because the two people who end up losing are you and your girlfriend.

I wish you good luck as you try to sort through your feelings.

All the best,
Andrew

Several sites have sprung up with the goal of reviewing and promoting other people's blogs. One such site is called Critique My Blog! If you're interested in that sort of thing, drop by and see what Billy Mac has to say about To Love, Honor and Dismay. You might even want to ask him to critique your own blog.

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