Dismaying Story #81: Jealousy Over Past Partners

Dear Andrew,

I am in my ninth month of a relationship with my current girlfriend and I care about her very much. The problem is I was a virgin when we first had sex. I am the seventh guy that she has been with. I really care for this girl and I love her very much. We are both eighteen years old. She has made it clear to me that she doesn't think about them at all. I just want to know what I can do because I still have feelings of absolute hatred for her past relationships and flings. I really think that if I didn't love her like I do, I would leave her because it's very hard to take at times. How do I get over this?

Signed, Wishing I Was First

Dear Wishing,

Mother Nature is a very effective salesperson. She starts working her wily ways as soon as young people are old enough to physically become parents, trying to get them to have sex with each other. The urges are strong and I am enough of a realist to know that in many cases Mother Nature has her way.

Despite that, my advice to teenagers is to be very cautious about how early you become sexually active. Some of the risks are obvious -- pregnancy and sexually-transmitted diseases -- so you take the pill and use condoms and feel you are protected. No method of birth control is one hundred percent effective, and condoms have been known to break, so there is always some risk. More than that, such measures do nothing to protect you from the emotional landmines that sex introduces into a relationship, especially when the people involved are still maturing.

Two people can hold hands and kiss and touch, and it can feel like sex should be just an extension of that. Some people might think nothing will really change in the relationship if they go that one step further. Like it or not, that's simply not true.

Young women have many potential concerns. Pregnancy impacts both people involved, but obviously more so for the girl. Often girls worry about whether they will get a reputation as someone who is loose and easy. For many people, sex implies a deeper commitment to the relationship, which can add pressure if things don't always go smoothly or when you break up. Girls tend to be taught that good girls don't, so their inner voice can pipe up and suggest they are now a bad person, that the sex is wrong. This can make it difficult for them to relax and enjoy the sex (which makes me wonder if it is worth doing in those circumstances). And here is another common lament: "Does he really like me, or does he only want to be with me because I give him the sex he wants? Would any guy want me if I didn't put out?" I could go on.

The list is somewhat shorter for the guys, but can still cause plenty of dismay. "Why can't she just relax and enjoy it like I do? Why does she have to act like it's such a big deal?" The answers are essentially found in the preceding paragraph, but young men frequently lack the insight to understand the concerns involved from the girl's point of view. This apparent lack of empathy can, in turn, deepen the issues for the girl, creating a self-perpetuating cycle of problems.

Another common concern for young men is the one expressed in the letter. Despite the realities of pre-marital sex, society perpetuates the image of two virgins on their wedding night as ideal. A virginal boyfriend can feel that his more experienced partner somehow falls short of that vision. More than that, the dating game for guys is one of attracting a girl, beating out the competition. They want the girl all to themselves and past sexual partners can be perceived as competitors. This may seem illogical -- they are, after all, in the past -- yet your letter is an example that proves my point. "She has made it clear to me that she doesn't think about them at all." In other words, you worry that she still thinks about and has feelings for those other guys, that you are competing with them for her feelings.

The bottom line is that life is simpler in teenage relationships that don't involve sex.

To me, your situation is all about (a) knowing what you want in life, and (b) your emotional development. Perhaps you would truly prefer a virginal partner, someone who fits with that societal ideal. You may not be attracted to a girl who has had several partners at such a young age. If so, then this is not the girl for you and you should move on. If that's the case, though, you should examine your own behavior; by having sex with her you have created exactly the situation you are trying to avoid. It would be hypocritical to act one way and expect others to behave differently.

I don't believe that is what is going on with you, though. You simply can't get past that competitive mindset. The image of her with someone else drives you bananas, and you worry about what those images mean to her.

Here's the thing. This is your first sexual relationship so it feels extra special to you. You have never had this feeling before and you can't imagine it going away. The natural assumption is that she must have had this special feeling for those other guys, which makes it difficult for you to imagine that her extra-special feelings for them could have disappeared. You have never had the experience of moving on to a new relationship after having sex, so you find it hard to understand what it must be like for her, and you imagine the worst.

If a girl has a sex-less relationship and breaks up, her partner becomes an ex-boyfriend. The relationship is over, done with. If she has sex and then breaks up, her partner becomes (surprise, surprise) every bit as much of an ex-boyfriend. The fact that sex took place does not increase the threat to subsequent beaus.

You need to come to the realization that this is not about her; it's all about your own insecurities. She is with you because she wants to be. Count yourself fortunate and let the past go.

All the best,
Andrew

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Dismaying Story #52: Stormy Weather Friends

Dear Andrew,

I have had some rough times in my life, including poverty, chronic illness (lupus, myasthenia gravis and more), and my sons have Tourette's Syndrome and OCD. My husband had polio as a child. My mother is diabetic. We had our 18th anniversary last year and seriously wondered if we'd make it to 19 because the marriage was in such bad shape. Our house is leaking from several places in the roof.

But ... I have several really good friends. They are always there for me. We laugh together. We know the important things in life. I am not judged by what I don't have. They have more than I do but they don't look down on me. They are great support.

Suddenly the world is looking up for me. My husband recently decided maybe God was better off being in control than him and our marriage has gone through a dramatic healing. We're happy for the first time. We're getting a house through Habitat for Humanity. A book I wrote four years ago suddenly found its way to a paying publisher. Even my health isn't quite as bad and my sons are doing great.

Now my friends seem to be jealous of my good fortune. My friends who are healthy and have had good marriages. My friends who have healthy children. My friends whose incomes are double and triple ours, with fewer mouths to feed.

They're making comments like, "Well, it all just seems to be going your way now doesn't it?" in rude tones. A friend out of state sent me a necklace and one of my friends said, "well, if one more good thing happens to you, you'll just be the grandest person on earth now won't you!" and walked away. Another said, "It all seems to be going your way these days."

I've supported these women in their hard times and their good times. I never realized that I was supposed to be the poor trashy 'relative' that allowed them to always say, "At least I'm not as bad off as she is."

I've heard of fair weather friends but not stormy weather friends! How do I deal with these people who are jealous of my life finally going in a good direction? It's not like I won the lottery and things magically turned around. I spent years struggling, praying and working hard for these changes.

Signed, Frustrated

Dear Frustrated,

Stephen King's first published novel is about a teenager named Carrie who didn't fit in well with her peers. In his memoirs entitled On Writing, King describes a real-life situation he observed while in high school that helped provide background for Carrie. He describes a ne'er-do-well teenage girl whom he calls Dodie. This young lady had the impertinent audacity to come back from Christmas vacation one year looking resplendent in a new outfit, complete with permed hair. King writes:

The teasing that day was worse than ever. Her peers had no intention of letting her out of the box they'd put her in; she was punished for even trying to break free. I had several classes with her, and was able to observe Dodie's ruination at first hand. I saw her smile fade, saw the light in her eyes first dim and then go out. By the end of the day she was the girl she'd been before Christmas vacation--a dough-faced and freckle-cheeked wraith, scurrying through the halls with her eyes down and her books clasped to her chest.

Dodie fulfilled a role in the lives of her schoolmates, just as you do in the lives of your friends. When your role starts to evolve, it can seem to them that some piece of their own world is changing and people often react poorly to change. It upsets some inner sense of balance and calm. Your friends were apparently quite comfortable with the box you had always been in.

To understand their motivation, I tried turning the situation around and examining it from their point of view. You mentioned at least two friends who acted the same way. What was it about their shared experience that evoked a common reaction? I wondered if something in the way you celebrated your good fortune might have been viewed as flaunting or somehow irritating. But here's the thing; no matter how I twisted and turned your situation and peered at it from different angles, I couldn't find a view consistent with your friends being mature and supportive.

Like everyone else, I have friends with significant issues in their lives. I thought about them having a sudden burst of wonderful fortune and reacting with all the fist-pumping, in your face jubilation you could imagine. I know without a shred of doubt that I'd be right there celebrating with them, with no reservations whatsoever. I would be happy for them because I care about them.

Your friends' reactions show that, at least in this instance, they care more about themselves than they do for you. In my view they are fair weather friends. They were happy and friendly as long as you didn't disrupt their world, as long as things were going well from their point of view. As soon as you introduced change into their lives, however, and caused a minor ripple they had to deal with, then they turned on you.

I would be completely honest with them. Tell them how their reactions surprised and hurt you, that you would expect friends to be happy for your good fortune, not resentful. Explain that despite recent events, you still have significant issues in your life and need the emotional support of those around you. Hopefully this will open their eyes so they can apologize and get back to acting like friends. If not, you need to find some new friends, real ones this time.

All the best,
Andrew

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Dismaying Story #40: When the Past Won't Let Go

Dear Andrew,

I met my boyfriend when he had just broken up with his former girlfriend. I was suspicious he was only interested in me because he was on the rebound but he insisted on a date. I liked him too much to say no, although somewhere in the back of my mind I knew this was going to be trouble.

I was right. On our first date he talked about her for two hours. He said he wanted to explain that it was a wrong relationship that shouldn't have happened. He didn't like her anymore and the whole thing was in the past. That didn't stop him from talking about her for two hours. I wanted to stop him but I figured he needed to vent. He told me way too much about their relationship, things that I would rather not know and that I can't compete with.

After that we got along great, we had a lot in common, lots of chemistry, lots of attraction ... and then she called. She said she wanted him back. He spent hours with her on the phone, telling her no, including while on dates with me. She always called. She once followed us to a date, crying hysterically, asking why he doesn't have any pity for her. He had to take her home and he only got home at midnight. I stood by the phone crying until he called to say he was home. I didn't tell him that, though. I had no right to interfere between them.

One night when he was supposed to be with me he ended up staying with her because she threatened suicide. That was the worst night of my life. I couldn't sleep. I just cried and waited for him to call, which he did, in the morning.

After that she cooled down a little, but she kept calling him 'just to talk.' She asked him to go out with her once because she was going away and wanted to say good bye. He went again but she only left two months later, so that had nothing to do with good bye. She used to keep him online to tell her about her new sexual adventures with other guys until I put my foot down and told him these conversations bother me. He ended them (I think); he never mentioned them again, anyway.

I can't shake the image of her crying hysterically and asking for mercy. He couldn't have stayed in a totally bad relationship for so long, so he must have liked her. She seems to believe that he loved her. Did he lie when he said it was a bad relationship?

His mother still e-mails her, and once called me by her name (on purpose?).

What should I do? I have tried everything: letting it out, keeping it in, asking, refraining from asking, occupying my time. I can't help worrying that she's going to try again. My partner and I have been together for quite a while now. He seems committed and he's never actually done anything wrong. (I can't blame him for trying to help her, although I wish I could.) This is not about him anymore, though. This is about me and my fears.

Signed, Haunted One

Dear Haunted,

I believe your boyfriend was telling the truth when he said he had a poor relationship with his former girlfriend, because he continued to have a bizarre and dysfunctional relationship with her after he met you. People stay in bad relationships for a variety of reasons, including poor self-esteem or because the relationship has some redeeming feature such as steamy sex. He did choose to end it, though, just before meeting you.

I disagree when you say he did nothing wrong. He repeatedly chose to safeguard her feelings at the expense of yours. He obviously had a difficult time letting go of his feelings for her and you were justified in feeling threatened by this.

You say he spent hours talking to her, telling her no, including while he was out with you. His words might have been saying no but the fact that he was willing to talk with her that long was a clear signal to her that there was hope. She still had a degree of control over him. For goodness sake, she was able to make him ignore you when he was out on a date with you! She was playing him like a fiddle and he was willing to go along with it, even though that meant hurting you in the process. If he was over her and truly committed to your new relationship, he should have simply shut her down, and quickly. All he needed to say when she called was, "Look, it's over between us and I can't talk right now."

"But I need you. We never should have broken up."

"I've got to go. Goodbye."

"But--"

CLICK.

That's it. That's how long it should have taken for him to get off the phone and away from her ... IF he was truly over her. When she called back, he should have turned off his cell phone and focused on you. He should have known it would be threatening to you to have the former girlfriend calling and he should have done everything in his power to show you that you had nothing to worry about.

Instead he talked to her for hours and allowed you to worry and feel neglected. Why? At best he didn't want to be rude to her, to hurt her feelings. In the process, though, he chose to do exactly that to you. At worst he was not over her and couldn't bring himself to completely sever the ties. He wanted to keep both options open while he sorted out his feelings. Either way, his focus was clearly not where it should have been -- on building a relationship with you. You should have put your foot down right there. "Either pay attention to me, buddy, or I'm out of here."

So then she shows up at one of your dates crying hysterically and he "has to" take her home? Without you? Making you wait and worry and cry until he calls? Please, that just doesn't wash. Either the hysteria was real (in which case he needs to avoid this woman) or faked (in which case he DEFINITELY needs to avoid this woman). He had to know you felt threatened by her. No way should he have allowed himself to be alone with her in any circumstances, let alone to allow her to crash your date and drag him away from you. Again, that was another occasion to put your foot down. Many women would have refused to have anything to do with him after a stunt like that. Unfortunately, by putting up with it you gave clear signals to both him and the former girlfriend that they could get away with poor behavior.

Threats of suicide should never be taken lightly, though I wonder in this case if it was simply another ploy to gain his sympathy. If he truly felt she was in danger and needed help, he could have found ways to do so without ending up alone with her and without making you worry for hours. He could have called her mother, or the two of you could have taken her someplace where she could have obtained help. He had options and he chose the worst possible one in terms of your relationship. He should have chosen an option that included the two of you remaining together. Again, he allowed her to control him and to hurt you. He chose her over you.

Are you starting to see the pattern here?

She told him stories of her sexual adventures ... and he listened to them? You have to ask yourself why he didn't just shut her down in disgust. What was he getting out of those conversations? Whatever the answer, I can't see it boding well for your relationship.

You put your foot down way too late in the game. You allowed yourself to be treated badly and now find yourself in a relationship you can't trust. As I explained above, your boyfriend has given you plenty of good reasons to mistrust him. Many women would have ended this relationship long before now and I wouldn't blame you if you considered doing the same.

At a minimum you should make sure your boyfriend knows how his actions hurt you and how badly you feel. He owes you several huge apologies for the appalling way he treated you. The ball should be in his court to find ways to reassure you, to repair the damage he has done.

You definitely have the right to interfere between him and his former girlfriend. He gave up any rights to have a relationship with her when he chose to be with you, especially if she is going to act like a possessive, controlling wacko. You should insist that he have no further contact with this woman. If she calls or sends him an online message, he should tell her he can’t talk and should break off contact immediately. If she shows up, he should say he can't see her anymore and should walk away immediately. If he fails to abide by those rules, YOU should walk away immediately.

Whatever your decision, I hope you are able to regain the peace of mind these events have cost you.

All the best,
Andrew

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Dismaying Story #4: Her Insecurity Blanket

Dear Andrew,

I have been offered a fantastic new job with a higher salary than I have ever made. When I got home and told my wife, though, she was upset because the job involves being out of town with the sales team a few days each month. She came up with all sorts of reasons why I shouldn't take the job, like, "Do you really want to be away from the kids that much?" It's only a few days a month and I miss that much family time because of the overtime for my current job anyway. She talked about how much harder life would be for her and how she would miss me. She even said she was

worried I would meet some other woman when I was out of town, which is ridiculous. I would never do anything like that. In fact, I would have thought she'd be glad for me to take the new job -- she never has liked the fact that I have a pretty, young secretary where I work now.

She just kept coming up with one roadblock after another and to be honest, I can't see how any of them would result in significant problems if I took the job. Nothing I said seemed to make her feel any better, though. How can I get her to understand this job is really important to me?

Signed: Anxious to Get Started

Dear Anxious,

When someone's behavior doesn't seem to make sense, it often means we don't understand the true underlying reasons. My educated guess (which is all I can provide based on a letter) is that your wife does not object to the new job or the travel per se. Rather, this seems to be a fear reaction. What is she afraid of? I think she told you; she said she is afraid of losing you, that you will have an affair. She is expressing insecurity over your relationship.

This might seem to you like a strange or extreme way of expressing this fear. Why should she worry more about your marriage just because you'll be out of town once in a while? After all, you say you would never do that sort of thing in any circumstance, and plenty of people have affairs without ever leaving the city. It turns out that fears are not necessarily logical creatures. They can get in our minds, root around in the dark corners and have us imagining all sorts of dire consequences, even if those consequences are unlikely to actually occur. Regardless of how it seems to you, though, I suspect your wife's fears are very real to her.

You can likely verify this hypothesis by thinking back over conversations the two of you have had. Does she ever wonder out loud why you (or anyone else) would love someone like her? Does she think of herself as physically unattractive in any way? Does she talk about her own (real or imagined) character flaws? For example, she might describe herself as high maintenance or hard to get along with. Does she express jealousy or insecurity about situations that seem to you rather benign? You already mentioned one such situation in your letter, with your secretary. Does she tend to react strongly to criticism? The reaction could take any of several forms – anger, feeling down, and so on – but a strong reaction to criticism can be a sign of shaky self-esteem. Stated the opposite way, a person who is very secure in their own self worth may be affected less by someone else's opinions.

If this is ringing any bells, there are several things you can try. First, you should avoid adding fuel to the fire. Now that you are aware of her emotional hot buttons, be especially careful about doing anything that would validate her insecurities. Some men find it natural and comfortable to joke and mildly flirt with other women. You should avoid any hint of this. If you need to meet with your secretary, do so at your workplace in plain sight of others. Forget taking her to a working lunch, regardless of how convenient that might be or how innocent the purpose of the meeting. Be careful not to put your wife down in any way, even if you think you are "only teasing." Few of us are able to handle teasing well if the topic happens to coincide with an insecurity.

Second, go out of your way to reassure your wife. Don't assume she knows that you love her, that you will never leave her, that having an affair is something you would never do regardless of the circumstance or temptation. Tell her, straight out without mincing words or beating around the bush. Do it today and on an ongoing basis. Look her straight in the eye and tell her with all the sincerity you can muster that you and she are going to last for all time. More than anything, this may be the step that will help her feel better about your relationship in general, and about your potential new job in particular. Ask her if you have ever done anything to make her worry about your marriage. Given the fear she has expressed, she will likely say yes. Apologize for giving her that impression, even if you don't feel you did anything wrong. Remember, this is all about emotions and impressions. If she perceives a problem and your apology could help, then provide it, without reservation.

Finally, many couples find valuable help for these types of challenges by consulting with a third-party professional such as a counselor or psychologist.

Sincerely,
Andrew

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