Dismaying Story #144: Long Distance Inattention

Dear Andrew,

My man and I have not seen each other for two years. Since we are from different countries and the marriage process takes a huge amount of paperwork and time, we have not yet been able to be together. We have tolerated many sad times during these two years but we hung on. My man built us a very nice and beautiful house, changed his job and is doing a tremendous amount of work all by himself. If things had gone well, we could have been together in almost two months.

I said this so you know that he loves me and is trying everything he can to get me.

We met two years ago in my country and spent a total time of 15 days together. The sexual attraction was huge but we did have a lot of silly fights during that little time. The fights mostly started because I was too insecure and I could not trust him 100%. Even though I hurt him badly with my words and actions, he still wanted me and has done so many sacrifices for me. I have tried to be an ideal partner for him. I have changed many of my bad traits, such as not giving him the silent treatment. I have been 100% loyal to him and have tried to be what he wants me to be.

The problem is that we have not had any physical contact with each other for two years straight, and that has had a very bad effect on our relationship. Our emails (we stopped talking on the phone a year ago) are only filled with sad words about how depressed and tired we both are. We accuse each other of not caring enough or not loving the other one enough.

He wants me to be an active person who works out and takes care of herself. I have failed many times but I have succeeded many times too.

I stopped working a year an half ago. I was a teacher and I liked my job. It provided enough money for me to feel as independent as I could. (I live with my parents.) I gave up working because he did not want me to work in the same place that my ex did. I did not continue my university classes and dropped out. I have no self-confidence anymore. Each time I suggest working again, he thinks I am thinking of long-term plans for myself to stay in my country, and that makes him insecure. He told me that if I need money, he would send some. I can never accept it. I would rather drown than call for help. I need to be independent, have my own money, have my own job. I wanted to go back to university again, but again, he said no. I should wait until I go to him, then I could study whatever I like.

I am 26 years old and I feel so old. I do not go out of the house, because I do not want to get into trouble. I do not hang out with my friends. I lock myself up in my apartment and only go to my parents' apartment at nights to watch TV with them. I stopped my social life so that I won’t give my man any reason to be suspicious, so that he could relax that I don't cheat on him.

The problem is that we have not had any physical contact with each other for two years straight, and that has had a very bad effect on our relationship. Our emails (we stopped talking on the phone a year ago) are only filled with sad words about how depressed and tired we both are. We accuse each other of not caring enough or not loving the other one enough.

Last week, my man went on a business trip and he could not contact me for three days. I cried every single night, thinking that he had committed suicide or had an accident. I was going insane with worry. I wrote him many emails during those three days telling how worried I was, that life is meaningless without him, telling him about my days and how depressed I was and telling him that I loved him. He contacted me after three days and told me that he had no way of contacting me, because his cell phone did not work in that area and neither did his mobile Internet. I just sent him an email telling him that I was so glad that he is back and that I loved him.

In reply he sent me an email telling me that for once he was content, because his trip had gone so well for him, but when he read my emails, they were like a cold shower for him. He said that I do not appreciate him enough and he wonders if what he is going through is futile. He says, "Why can’t you be stronger? Why can’t you appreciate me more?"

What have I done wrong? He knows I go insane with worry each time he doesn't send me an email. Did I not have the right to worry? And I never said anything mean in my emails, only my concern for his health and well being.

I had a bad breakdown after reading his email. I replied and told him I won’t put up with his abuse anymore. He had no right to call me weak and tell me that I don't appreciate him. I set us some new rules, telling him that he should send me the schedule of his week, he should treat me the same way I treat him. I told him I will start working again, despite the fact he has told me not to, told him that I won’t let my world go around him anymore. He does not give me the care and attention I need. I told him that I won’t let him affect me in my decision making, because he doesn't care for me and my sanity.

It wasn't a nice email.

He read the email and broke up with me. He said, "You went too far. Leave me alone, we are through."

In reply I said, "As you wish," and I have not contacted him, neither has he.

Two days have passed since then.

I love him. He is the only man I want to be with. He has proven himself to be a man for life over and over again. He loved me even when I hurt him, and I want him back. The trouble is, I have always initiated the apologizing and wanting to get back together. I know deep in his heart he wants us to make up too, but he is too proud to send me an email first. I do not want him to see me as needy. I want him to come to me first. That seems impossible.

What went wrong? What should I do to get him back? Do I have to change more? If yes, what should I change? Is there anything seriously wrong with us? Why can’t I be more appreciative and give him the respect he wants me to give him? Why can’t I control my temper?

Signed, Seriously Damaged

Dear Seriously Damaged,

Assume for the moment you could patch it up with him. Here are a few things to consider.

Let me get this straight. He won't "let you" work, take classes, or admit to having a bad day, which means that he cares only for his own needs, not yours. He gets suspicious if you have a normal social life with your friends. He tells you how you should interact with your own parents. He criticizes you, calling you unappreciative, weak, too insecure (even though he is also clearly insecure), and saying you have "many bad traits." He wants you to work out so you will be physically appealing for him. He has all the money in the relationship, but you are apparently not important enough for him to spend some of it to come visit you, or call you on the phone. He can't even bring himself to prop you up by offering a few supportive and loving words once in a while. The end result is that you are depressed, lonely, and completely unfulfilled in your lifestyle.

What exactly are you getting out of this relationship?

As far as I can tell, the only thing you are getting is hope. Your continued involvement with him (limited as it may be) provides you with the promise that you won't have to spend your life alone.

But here's what I can't get past. When you finally get your reward, when you reach that magical day you've been waiting for and the two of you can be together ... you'll be getting together with a guy who by your own account treats you horribly.

You say the attraction was intense when you first met. Well of course it was! It's always that way in the beginning. You two were only together during the infatuated excitement phase of a brand new relationship. Lust runs high, everything is fresh and new, and of course it all looks good. Yet even during that time you say all was not well, that the two of you had "a lot of silly fights" during the only time you were together.

Okay, he built a house. He works hard at his job. He has stayed in contact for two years. Those are good things but there is much, much more to being a supportive partner than that. I'd give him a failing grade in several other departments, such as caring as much about you as he does about himself, and being attentive to your needs.

Even if the two of you had not broken up, I would urge you to think long and hard before committing to a lifetime of that kind of treatment.

And don't think he will act differently once you are together, once the stress is gone, once you are married, once the moon is aligned with Venus. Far too many people have entered marriage thinking their partners will improve in some way. Experience has shown this rarely happens. Generally, what you see before the marriage is what you can expect to get for the rest of your days.

Do you want a husband who will dictate to you when you are "allowed" to have a job or take a course? Do you really want that little say in your life? Maybe so -- some cultures treat these sorts of issues differently than others, and I don't want to make assumptions. Even if that is okay for you, though, I'd think you'd want a partner who cares deeply about your needs and wants. Have you seen that from your boyfriend?

I have to ask myself why you have stayed in the relationship this long. I can only assume you are somewhat desperate to have someone in your life, so you are willing to take whatever promise this relationship holds. That makes me nervous for you. Desperation is a dangerous emotion when it comes to making relationship decisions. Desperate people will often stay in relationships from which more self-confident people would walk away.

Are you afraid you could not find another relationship? Do you have an idealized memory of those magical fifteen days of infatuation? Do you assume that the two of you will return to that state of excited lust when you see each other again? Perhaps these are some tough questions you should ask yourself.

If you think through all that and decide you really want to make up, this is what I suggest. Tell him the truth. Open up and tell him how you are feeling and that you want to be with him. True honest expression of love and desire to be together is the way to break down barriers of anger and silence. Don't try to explain how he hurt you, just acknowledge whatever part you played and tell him you don't want to lose him.

If you end up back together, I suggest you give some serious thought to how you can find your identity in this relationship. You need to have a life of your own, even if it means he has to work through some of his own insecurities.

You've been living in a difficult situation for two years. I wish you the best of luck in trying to create a better one.

With warm regards,
Andrew

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Dismaying Story #139: Why Are We Having Petty Arguments?

Dear Andrew,

My boyfriend and I have been together for six months. He travels for work and has already been away twice, for a month at a time. The long distance sucks but I think we handle it fairly efficiently. We also have a seven year age gap, although he says it doesn’t bother him.

I have undoubtedly brought some issues to our relationship. I have pushed him by moving things more quickly than he desired and I can be insecure. Having said that, we are great together. We don’t disagree on much, have a lot in common, and we both enjoy spending time together. I can tell he cares by the way that he looks at me and how he acts toward me, but the lack of verbal reassurance can be difficult. Sometimes I feel distant and find myself wondering how he feels.

We also have a lot of trouble having effective arguments. I try to fight fairly (though not always successfully) and I don’t think he even considers it. I really try to understand where he is coming from but sometimes it seems he isn’t trying to understand my side.

The following is a recent text message conversation that has driven me to write to you. We have exchanged some photos of ourselves since he has been away. I sent him one and didn’t receive a response. Two hours later, my Facebook homepage was filled with him liking / commenting on things. Thus began our argument via texting:

---

Me: Hitting Facebook ahead of answering a picture of me?

Him: You would say that

Me: Well lol doesn’t exactly feel the best when you notice that your significant other has found time to do things on Facebook but not to respond to a picture you took for them

Him: Ever read a text and forgot to respond? Of course not

Me: I didn’t say that. Of course I’ve done that. Although, I’m not sure I’d forget about receiving a picture of you. But I’m sorry if that’s the case in this situation. It was a little difficult to see that come up on my homepage and not feel like I was being ignored

Him: Whatever

Me: This is exactly what I meant about feeling shut down. I’m trying to express how I feel and all I’m getting is shut down.

Him: I have other things on my mind than my girlfriend being upset that I didn’t respond to a text picture before I went on Facebook. I have bigger issues to deal with. Shut out or not, this is ridiculous.

Me: Ok

Him: It’s times like this that I find our age gap really shows

Me: Pulling the age card here is pretty unfair. I have every right to have feelings, and when I’m hurt as a result of something that you did (or didn’t do), I should be able to express myself in a constructive manner. I’m trying really hard to understand where you’re coming from, and I don’t think I’m receiving the same courtesy. I understand that you have a lot on your mind right now, and forgot to answer. So yes, it kind of hurt me, but I’m completely over that. I just don’t like that it seems like I’m not receiving any understanding, and that everything is my fault.

Him: It’s a childish conversation and I’m not having it. I’ll just delete Facebook so this doesn’t happen again. I hate these stupid little arguments.

---

It seems like he was first trying to make this issue my fault, and when that didn’t work he threatened to delete his Facebook to make it go away. I just don’t get it. Am I doing something wrong? What can I do to help our situation? How can I make him see that there is something seriously wrong with the way we argue? Is there any way to help him make the necessary changes?

Sincerely,
Frustrated


Dear Frustrated,

I have good news and bad news for you. The bad news is that the two of you use some of the most common less than optimal habits when it comes to resolving conflict. The good news, however, is that you can replace those habits with more effective ones once you understand what is happening and realize there are better alternatives.

Conflict resolution is a complex topic. I’ll focus on a few key ideas that occurred to me when I read your email. Let’s start by translating part of your conversation into underlying messages:

---

You: Hitting Facebook ahead of answering a picture of me? (Underlying message: I’m accusing you of doing something wrong and I’m upset at you.)

Him: You would say that (I’m ignoring the issue you raised and instead accusing you of also doing something wrong.)

You: Well lol doesn’t exactly feel the best when ... (I’m accusing you of doing something wrong and I’m upset at you.)

Him: Ever read a text and forgot to respond? Of course not (I did nothing wrong. I’m accusing you of being unfair. I’m being sarcastic so you’ll know I’m upset too.)

Me: It was a little difficult to ... feel like I was being ignored (I’m accusing you of doing something wrong and I’m upset at you.)

Him: I have other things on my mind than my girlfriend being upset ... this is ridiculous. (I’m frustrated because I don’t know how to resolve the conflict.)

---

Notice that the underlying messages all start with “I.” Each of you expresses your own needs at every turn, rather than addressing your partner’s needs. I don’t think either of you are trying to be selfish, but the focus is clearly inward rather than outward. This leaves both of you feeling like the other doesn’t care about you, and you end up with exchanges that go like this:
“I want this.”
“Well I want that.”
“Yes, but I want this.”

You began the conversation with exactly this type of message, by stating something you wanted (for him to respond to your picture) and implying you were upset that he didn’t provide it for you. As an alternative, what if you had first considered the situation from his point of view? Were there other possible explanations for the sequence of events other than him not caring about you or your picture? Could you have given him the benefit of the doubt, at least until you talked with him?

When you have an issue, a more effective way to broach the subject is to find a positive spin. Instead of saying you’re upset about something you view as negative, turn it around and predict something great if the opposite were to happen. You might have tried something like this, which could have led to a different exchange:

You: Did you get my picture earlier? I was excited to hear what you thought of it. (Underlying message: You value his feedback and attention.)

Him: It was great

You: Glad you liked it. I was kind of disappointed you didn’t respond before but I figured you must have just forgotten. (Underlying message: You noticed the lack of response, but you’re being reasonable and understanding, and you’ve clearly considered the situation from his point of view.)

Him: Yeah sorry I was busy then and when I got back to my phone later I just forgot. It’s great though

By opening the conversation in a more positive manner, you’ve dramatically increased the chances of getting what you really wanted all along, which was for him to show appreciation for you via your picture. And because you haven’t made him feel attacked, he is more likely to apologize without feeling the need to defend himself.

His responses to you in the original conversation also left much to be desired. He employed a classic defend and deflect strategy. “I’ll explain how I’ve done nothing wrong, so the argument must be her fault for unfairly criticizing me. Besides, she does plenty of things wrong too.”

To many people this feels like a logical and appropriate response to an accusation. “If I can show that I haven’t done anything wrong, then I won’t be in trouble anymore.” Unfortunately this type of response usually makes the situation worse. When he says, “I haven’t done anything wrong,” then you hear him say, “Your concerns are invalid. There is no problem. Don’t expect me to contribute to a solution.” This tends to frustrate – and even more likely, infuriate – the person who raised the concern. You believe there’s an issue or you wouldn’t have brought it up. With this type of response from him, it’s no surprise that you sometimes feel like you’re not being heard.

Let’s look at a more effective response to your original opening salvo:

You: Hitting Facebook ahead of answering a picture of me?

At this point he needs to fight down the urge to become defensive and angry about the accusation. With a bit of practice, he can learn to ignore the manner in which you state your need and focus on the fact that you have one. He could figure out that you are feeling ignored and unappreciated, and make the whole problem go away with something like this:

Him: I’m sorry. I really didn’t mean to ignore you. The pic was great! I was just busy when I got it and then I forgot when I got back to my phone. My bad.

He might feel that a response like this would make him look bad, like he was opening himself up for further criticism by admitting fault. On the contrary, this is an effective way to make himself look good. By acknowledging his own role in creating the situation, he is now making it clear he heard your statement of need and he cares enough to address it. You’re now more confident that a solution is on the way and that he will help in creating the solution.

Here’s a good rule that both of you should use. When one of you states a request for change, the other must resist the urge to respond with a counter-accusation. Stick to the first request without muddying the waters with other topics.

The two of you are also dealing with a gender gap issue. You’re very interested in talking about feelings, whereas he’d be happier if the topic never came up. To you, feelings are what relationships are all about. He, on the other hand, feels no need to tell anyone about his feelings so the issue feels trivial and “ridiculous” to him.

This is another area where each of you approached this conversation from your own point of view rather than your partner’s. You could be more effective by realizing that talking about your feelings is likely to make his eyes glaze over. I’m not saying that’s fair to you -- it’s just that he doesn’t seem to have the empathy at this point to deal with extensive discussions about feelings. You’re likely banging your head against the wall by explaining your position in that manner. As I described earlier, try stating your need in terms of a possible positive outcome.

He, on the other hand, could be more effective by recognizing that you being upset is, all by itself, enough of a reason for him to help. It shouldn’t matter if he doesn’t understand or agree with your apparent reasons for being unhappy. It shouldn’t matter if you state your unhappiness in an imperfect way. In my world, if my wife thinks there is a problem, then there is, by definition, a very real problem and it’s my job to help make it go away. (...unless she just wants me to listen and stop short of going into Mr. Fixit mode, but that’s a topic for another day.)

Often all it takes is for one of you to be the hero and respond with, “Yes, I understand. I’m sorry.” That’s usually enough to start draining the tension away.

With both of you using less than optimal strategies, it’s no surprise that your conversations sometimes degenerate into bickering. Obviously you can choose to make changes on your side, but you might be wondering how to get him to change his ways. There are a few things you can try. One would be to get him to read this article. I wouldn’t be surprised, though, if he is less than excited about reading a post by some Internet relationship guy. If that approach doesn’t work, I suggest you focus on your own behavior, not his. The simple reason is that you can’t control how he acts. You can only control your own actions.

If that sounds like bad news, it isn’t. Making choices regarding your own behavior provides all the control you need to initiate change. You are half of the relationship. He acts, you react, then he reacts to what you just did. In other words, you’ve just influenced his actions. The question is whether you’ll influence his actions effectively, in directions that will strengthen your relationship.

The next time you’re tempted to say something negative that he might interpret as a criticism, first try thinking of the situation from his point of view as well as your own. Bring up the topic in a way that makes it clear you’ve looked at it from both sides. Use positive messages more often than negative. Hopefully this will encourage him to do the same.

Finally, don’t lose hope when your change process takes time. It took many years for both of you to develop your current strategies for dealing with conflict, and it will take time to ingrain new habits.

Hopefully that gives you a few ideas to get the two of you started in a better direction. Good luck!

All the best,
Andrew

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Dismaying Story #88: An Emotional Affair

Dear Andrew,

About a year ago I started getting active in on-line forums, which offer private messaging. I became friends with a single man, aged 52, who lives several states away. We talk about our day-to-day lives but never about sex. He means so much to me and has told me I mean so much to him. We have each other's phone numbers but have never spoken on the phone or in person. He sent me some flowers and a book when I was on a short trip by myself. I have sent him cards, just friendship cards.

I told him I was not looking to leave my marriage. My love for my frequent-traveler husband has been gone over the past few years, but I still have to raise my children.

I do love this man. I love him in my life. I feel like I have a friend for life now. I've always been wary of on-line relationships but not anymore. The thing is, I feel guilty for having a friend like this. My husband would never understand.

I am not looking for your approval. I just wanted to confide in someone, on the outside.

Signed, Just Fell Into This Relationship

Dear Just Fell,

I believe your husband would understand exactly what this on-line relationship means, and I think you do too.

Ask yourself a couple of tough questions. Why do you think your husband would react negatively to your friendship with this other man? And why have you hidden it from everyone? The reason is you know you have crossed a line.

Here is a good test for whether an action represents a betrayal of your significant other. Would you do it if they were watching you? If not, you should consider strongly whether you should be doing it.

This is more than a casual friendship with someone of the opposite gender. You have developed an attachment to this man of the sort you feel is missing in your marriage. In short, you are having an emotional affair, and this is definitely a betrayal of the commitment you made to your husband.

I understand that things can get rocky in marriage for all sorts of reasons, including frequent separation like you and your hubby must endure. You may feel like the spark is gone and there is no way to get it back. Your life at home is full of work, kids, stress, and enough hum-drum to fill a dump truck. This is what you share with your husband, which means much of the time you spend together is filled with neutral or even negative experiences.

Your on-line friend, on the other hand, is your escape from the storm. With him everything is always, "Hi! Glad to hear from you!" You are always in mini-vacation mode when talking with him. This is spiced with excitement of newness and the thrill of the forbidden.

If you step back and think about this for a moment, you will realize this is an entirely unfair way to compare the two men in your life. Imagine you could perform this magic experiment. Pretend your online friend is your husband. Now he is the one who is away all the time and has to share the stress of kids and bills with you. What personality characteristics would come out in this man that you have had no opportunity to observe? Your husband, on the other hand, is now the new spark that you only get to glimpse when the two of you have time to have a virtual cup of coffee together. You have nothing but fun experiences with him.

Now which man would be holding your interest? I suspect the shoe would be entirely on the other foot.

Let's take it a step further. Suppose you left your husband and went to live with your on-line friend. Now you would get to run the same experiment for real. All of a sudden life would come crashing into your new relationship, with the same stresses you must deal with now.

I strongly believe that having an affair is never an appropriate response to troubles in your marriage. All you end up doing is hurting your spouse and your children, and feeling guilty about yourself. This is no path to happiness.

It is possible to re-generate sparks in a marriage that has become hum-drum. We all feel good about people with whom we share fun and positive experiences. The problem is that it can be difficult to make room for such experiences in the midst of bills, jobs and kids. Too many of us get out of the habit of having fun with our spouse, and situations like yours are often the result. We become convinced there is no time or no money.

Baloney. It may take some inventiveness and willpower, but it is possible to schedule fun activities with your spouse. The key is to realize how amazingly critical it is to do so, and to elevate the task to project status. Decide you are absolutely going to make it happen and don't let anything stand in your way, including your hubby, who has probably fallen into the same trap of believing it can't be done or isn't worth it.

It is totally worth it. I recommend you give this a shot.

Even with such efforts, however, the sad reality is that not all marriages are destined to succeed. I still don't believe an affair is justified. You made a commitment to your husband. If you wish to back out, then do so first. Getting involved with a third party while you are still married just muddies the water and strips you of your dignity.

You say you are staying for the children. The best thing you can do for them is to restore that lovin' feeling with your spouse. Right now they are witnessing how a marriage works between two people who don't feel much for each other. What a sad role model, and they will view this as normal. You are increasing the chances they will grow up and replicate this model. How much better it would be if they could learn by example that it is normal for husband and wife to beam with happiness at each other and give each other a hug in full view of the world just because they feel like it. And if you can't make that happen, you might want to consider whether your kids would rather be from a broken marriage ... or be living in the midst of one.

All the best,
Andrew

The backlog of questions is tiny indeed these days. Please help me keep the stories flowing. If you have a question or observation you think would be of interest to readers of this site, please consider sending it in. I appreciate all the support!

Check back tomorrow for the Question of the Week, which will deal with young people and domestic violence.

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Question of the week #14: Lest They Forget (Each Other)

Today is a day to remember the debt we owe to the veterans of major conflicts, known variously as Veterans' Day (United States), Remembrance Day (Canada and UK), Poppy Day (South Africa and Malta) and Armistice Day (internationally).

Soldiers and their significant others pay a high price when they are separated during foreign deployments, so this week's question is simply this: What can couples do to keep their relationships in good shape when they are forced apart by circumstances such as this?

I will post my personal favorite comment next Saturday with a link to the respondent's blog.

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Dismaying Story # 72: The Kitten Substitute

Dear Andrew,

I'm in a long distance relationship. However, my boyfriend and I talk every day (MSN, SMS, calls) and we see each other every two months. He is my best friend and the best boyfriend I could ever imagine. Yet I didn't imagine how hard it would be to be so far away from him. I simply underestimated how important a hug can be, a kiss, to take somebody's hand when I'm feeling down, just the company while watching TV. We will be together again after a year, settling into a relationship that is made for life.

Still, I am worried. I have many guy friends. One in particular is my ex boyfriend. The relationship hurt me in so many ways and yet I decided I could be friends with him. We live in the same apartment complex and we spend a lot of time together. This would be okay if this ex was completely over his feelings for me, but this is not the case.

I enjoy being with him, though. He is finally the person I wanted him to be in the relationship although he still lies about certain issues, which was a huge problem in the actual relationship.

I don't ever want to be with him again. He even leaves the country in three months. I'd like us to enjoy the friendship because I went through a lot with him and I feel like I deserve him being there for me after he tortured me for so long. My benefit is I get a hug or two when I'm sad. He never knows why I'm sad because, although he knows I'm with my boyfriend, I wouldn't want to hurt my ex by talking about my boyfriend all the time.

It would probably be better for me and my relationship if I'd never see my ex again. Yet, I can't tell why it's so hard to tell him No when he asks me to come over to have dinner together, watch TV, go to parties together. I miss my boyfriend a great deal because I love him so much. I need to be given a hug though every once in a while and I'm afraid that I'll search (am already searching) for this closeness in my ex boyfriend who is simply available. I don't know when the lines of friendship might fade away and when it's actually considered cheating. Is it when I let him take me into his arms for 5 seconds too long, when I let him put his arms around my shoulders, when I lean on him, when maybe one day I'll fall asleep on his couch while watching TV? I know that I'd go absolutely crazy if the same thing happened to my boyfriend and a friend of his. The problem is that I don't have family in this town, nor my best (girl)friend to be there for me. The only person that seems really close is this ex of mine.

What can I do?

Signed, Needs a Hug

Dear Needs a Hug,

Let me get this straight. You love your boyfriend and plan to spend the rest of your life with him. At the same time you hug your ex-boyfriend and snuggle on his couch to watch TV, knowing he still has feelings for you ... and you're not sure if you have exceeded the bounds of simple friendship?

Of course you know.

Here are a couple of simple ways to tell if you are crossing the line. After you've spent some time with your ex, would you then call your boyfriend and tell him everything that happened? I bet not. Similarly, would you act differently with the ex if your boyfriend was standing behind you the whole time, looking over your shoulder? If you wouldn't do it with your boyfriend watching, then you shouldn't do it at all.

Several of your statements fail to hold water for me. For instance, you say your ex is now the person you always wanted him to be, but he still lies to you. Lying seems like it should be a deal-breaker. Why hang around someone who treats you like that, regardless of your circumstances?

Secondly, why are you worried about hurting your ex by talking about your boyfriend? If your ex is just a friend, then he should be perfectly comfortable hearing about your boyfriend and should be supportive of your need to talk about him. This is another clear indication that your relationship with your ex is more than just being friends. If you are truly committed to your boyfriend, then you should be more concerned about hurting him by being with the ex.

Finally, let's call a spade a spade; you are dating your ex-boyfriend. Where I come from, that's what we call it when he phones you up to go to parties and to come over to his place and the two of you end up snuggling. This relationship has progressed to the point where you are uncomfortable enough to write to me. You know there is an issue, but you seem to be trying to convince yourself this is okay because you have to be apart from your boyfriend for a time and you feel all alone.

I understand loneliness is no fun but let's look ahead a bit. How are you going to feel when you are back together with your boyfriend and you have to think back on how you acted when he was out of town? Will you feel proud of your actions or will you feel guilty? I suspect it's the latter, and let me tell you, that one is no fun either. Then the two of you get married and he has to go away on a business trip for a few weeks. You'll be lonely then too. Would that make it okay to look up another guy for the physical contact you miss while your husband is away? Of course not, and it's not okay now, either.

What can you do? You can start honoring the commitment you have made to your boyfriend and stop wandering over that line. Start acting like you would if he were there watching you.

If you find you can't do that, then I wonder just how strong your commitment really is. If so, then it's not fair to your boyfriend to deceive him. Let him know what has been going on.

You say that's not what you want, though, so if I were you I would get a kitten to snuggle with, or find a new girlfriend or two so you can have someone to spend time with and confide in. Join a club. Take a class. Get a part-time job to fill up your extra hours. There are plenty of ways to distract yourself from your loneliness without resorting to cheating on your boyfriend.

All the best,
Andrew

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Ask the Faithful Readers #9: Weapons of Mass Seduction

Dear Faithful Reader,

Many people spend considerable chunks of time away from their significant other. Consultants, sales people, airline personnel, and many others travel constantly because of their jobs. Married students attend separate campuses. The reasons for physical separation are endless.

One of the issues, of course, is missing the physical intimacy that is only possible when you are together. Or is that the only way it's possible?

This article by CBC News reports on new product called the Sinulator, which some members of the military (among others) are apparently using to keep the home fires burning. This device gives a whole new meaning to the phrase, "reach out and touch someone." Billed as the world's first internet-controllable sex toy, the Sinulator allows a soldier in Iraq to have an intimate interlude with his wife in New York. (Well, you be the judge of whether you consider it to be intimate.) The soldier simply uses a normal Internet computer, while the partner at home uses a computer-controllable handheld device.

Where might this be headed in the future? Imagine two people on opposite ends of an Internet connection, both wearing black lycra body suits interlaced with computer-controllable sensors that can simulate human touch. (To my knowledge, this type of suit has not yet been invented.) Add in 3D goggles and a headset and you could see, hear and feel your partner's movements from afar.

What do you think? Are we on the verge of re-defining the bounds of intimacy? Can you see such products ever being accepted as mainstream? Or is this sort of thing likely to always be considered too "out there" for most people?

I will post my personal favorite comment next Saturday with a link to the respondent's blog.

Signed, The Inquiring Advice Guy

(Oh, and check back tomorrow everyone; my online interview will be available.)

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Dismaying Story #58: Good Fences Make Good Ex's

Dear Andrew,

I have been married to the same person since 1973 and I have put up with a lot of weirdness from this person. My children and I suffered for it and I will never trust him again. I still spot lies and he still blames me for anything that goes wrong. He gets angry over little things, such as following our daughter to a doctor's appointment and she doesn't stay in the same lane ahead of him! I've been to counseling many times, though he would not go. It always ended with, "We've worked through everything with you individually but you have a definite problem with the marriage." He would rather I walk out on him than change, so I left.

Two years ago I moved away from my Florida home to take a good job across the country. Although he was extremely distant emotionally, now he calls me almost every night. He speaks about the kids, grandkids and people I mostly don't know from work or church. Never about us. If I ask a personal question he freezes up and there is a long space of silence and then he will make an excuse to hang up. I enjoy hearing news of the grandkids even though I speak with them often too. I am puzzled as to why he calls me all the time, as when I go "home" to visit, he spends very little time with me. No use to ask why he calls; that would be one of the "forbidden" questions. He says he loves me (rarely) but my idea of love is an intimate relationship and sharing of life together.

Before I left I was miserable and began not liking myself. I was becoming bitter. We never did anything together. When I would ask him to go to lunch he would begrudgingly do it but make me miserable so I stopped asking him to do anything with me. He only rarely ever asked me to do anything with him. If I went it was like a date with a stranger. I hate to go anywhere in a vehicle with him, it's like I'm trapped. One time I asked him to talk to me about finances and he said he was going to church. I said "If you walk out of that door and do not address this, you will have crossed a line in this relationship, closed a door that will never open again." And he left. So I pulled back, contributed toward the household with my income and began to live my own life with him only physically present.

Now I'm miserable being away from my home, my kids, grandkids, college opportunities, just the way of life in the South! I love it there and I hate it here, except I need the good money. If I go back "home" we will need to lead separate lives, financially, emotionally, and in every way. I think I can convert our study to a room for myself. One older daughter with her handicapped son live with us and it would be a hardship for her to lose this economical living space.

I guess I just want a reality check regarding my relationship or lack of it with my spouse, and my plans to return "home" in a couple more years when I can retire.

Signed, Indecisive

Dear Indecisive,

Your relationship with your husband was over long ago but neither of you has fully admitted it. Here is a big clue -- you moved across the country.

And he can't stand it. He doesn't like the fact that you decided whether the two of you would be together, hence his frequent calls. This is the only way he can retain control over whether or not the two of you are in contact. If the two of you don't talk, this is due to your decision to be apart and that won't do. But if you try to steer the conversation anywhere he doesn't want to go ... well he controls that too, doesn't he? Then when you go home he can choose whether to see you or not, so he exercises that choice. Again, he is in control of what happens between you.

You have pulled back from your husband but not all the way. Your letter makes it clear there will never be a loving bond between the two of you, yet you permit him to call all the time, the two of you talk about love, you have not divorced and you are considering moving back in with him. Regardless of your intentions, you are sending out clear signals to him that your marriage still has a chance.

Either you still have hope for your relationship (which I don't believe to be true) or you find it difficult to stand up to your controlling husband and finish what you started. I'd bet big money on the latter.

You need to define appropriate boundaries between the two of you. Start by having a good talk with yourself and admitting that you really do want to be apart from him. Look in the mirror and say the words right out loud.

Then tell him the same thing. Ask for a divorce. Tell him he can't call every day, and back it up by refusing to talk if he calls too frequently. It's great if you can still be friendly, but you need to take back some control and dignity. The bit about receiving news about the grandkids is really an excuse -- you can get that information from other sources. These steps are necessary to permit you to begin healing inside, to move forward to a new emotional place in your life that doesn't include being his wife. You have started that journey but stopped with everything in limbo. You no longer know who you are or where you fit.

Moving back to Florida can work for you. The timing may be dictated by economics, but the most important consideration is to make sure your new relationship with him is well defined with appropriate boundaries. Please, please forget this idea of moving back into the same house. Given the two personalities involved, there is no way you could be in the same physical space every day and have any sort of effective emotional fences. You can afford your own place now, so you can find a way to do the same back in Florida. Even after splitting your assets, you or your ex should be able to work out a way to co-habitate with your daughter and her son. The existing house is not your only option for helping them.

Hopefully taking these steps will help you cast aside the indecisiveness and move forward with renewed confidence.

All the best,
Andrew

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Dismaying Story #20: Getting to Know Him from Afar

Dear Andrew,

I'm a 30-year-old girl who has been studying abroad in India for three years. During my stay here I met someone online, a 34-year-old guy from my own country who has been living in Sweden for almost 13 years. We started to get to know each other via the Internet and phone for six months, talking for six hours virtually every day. When I went home he flew there to meet me and for five weeks we tried to get to know each other. He asked me to marry him. At first I was so sure but then I decided I needed more time, which he accepted. It is unlikely we will see each other in person anytime soon because of travel difficulties. How can we get to know each other effectively with all this distance between us?

I am a spiritual person, which is very important to me, but he is not. Also, he has shown no curiosity about my beliefs, my studies, what I want in life or who I am inside. I'm afraid he won't be a good partner in this way, even though he is so affectionate, romantic, stable and kind. What should I do?

Signed, Seeker of Truth

Dear Seeker,

My first thought is that you did the right thing when you decided to take more time before accepting his invitation. You clearly have doubts as to what kind of life partner he will make. I agree it is troubling that you spent so many hours talking and yet you feel he has not shown much curiosity about you as a person or what goes on in your life. It makes me wonder what the two of you talked about all that time.

In one sense you know a fair bit about this man; you have already formed opinions regarding some of his strengths and weaknesses. On the other hand there is no substitute for face-to-face contact when getting to know someone, especially when you are considering marriage. You have only spent five weeks together, which seems to concern you and, in my opinion, you are right to feel that way.

A short period of intense contact like that is not always a true indicator of what life might be like with this person in the long term. You were both likely on your best behavior, doing everything possible to "make it work" with each other. You were not engaged in normal everyday life. Instead you were essentially on vacation and probably got to share many fun and relaxing activities like visiting family. How different would the experience be when you are both working or studying, living in your own homes and dealing with the ordinary stresses of life? If you are going to marry someone, you want to know what kind of person they are when under stress, not just how they act during the fun times. Will he still be supportive and kind when life throws challenges in the way? Will he care about your problems (not just his own) and do his best to help out? These sorts of questions may be difficult for you to answer right now.

Forgive me if I assume too much but I suspect there might also be another factor involved with your dilemma. You are both in your thirties and still unattached. Often people feel pressure to conform to societal norms and be married by a certain age. Also, many women know they would like to have children, which means being married while still young enough to make that happen. In your situation you might be thinking, "This is the best chance I have had and the clock is ticking. I may never find someone if I wait much longer." I cannot advise you how strongly such factors should weigh in your decisions -- only you can decide how important they are for you -- but you should be aware of these issues and think about them. Similarly, you are the only one who can decide how important it is for your partner to share your spiritual beliefs.

I advise you to hold off on making any marriage commitment until you have had a better chance to get to know him when you are face-to-face. This might involve a considerable wait but the decision is too important to rush into while you still have such doubts.

I also have reservations about whether he will be a supportive husband. I could be wrong (obviously I don't know this person) but in my experience, supportive people are empathetic and want very much to understand what makes their partner tick. I would not accept his proposal until you can convince yourself how he will treat you in this regard.

If you are contemplating marriage, then presumably there is a time in the near future when you could see the two of you living in the same place. Assuming you are both serious enough, perhaps you could consider waiting until then so you can get to know each other while living your normal daily lives.

Finally, once you think these matters through and arrive at your own opinions, (which, of course, may very well differ from mine) I suggest you be open and honest with him. Tell him what you hope will happen and give him the chance to decide if he is willing to do the same.

I wish you all the best as you "seek the truth."

Sincerely,
Andrew

Have you ever felt pressure to stay in a relationship? How did your long distance romance turn out? Let us know and your submission could be featured as a Dismaying Story.

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