Dismaying Story #132: Yet Another Age Gap Question

Dear Andrew,

I am 50; she is in her 20's; we met at work recently. She is single, I am not happily married. I have been training her in different aspects of our job - both in the office, and outside, "in the field." Her beautiful eyes and smile have kept me in a trance. I can't believe I told her that her eyes were terrific. She just thanked me (Whew, no lawsuit!) But... her personality, looks, wit and knowledge... all are great. When I see her interact with younger guys at work, I am so jealous! I hate them! I can tell she's more relaxed around them than she is with me. Yeah, I know this is a fantasy, but it hurts! The times we work together are great, she treats me so well. I just don't know what to do once the training is over in 2 months.

Signed, So Close and Yet So Far Away

Dear Not Really All That Close,

Let me see if I can line up all the reasons why you should give your head a hard shake and forget about this.

1) You are married. Okay, so you say you are unhappy. Then work on your marriage! Sit down and have a heart-to-heart with your wife. Go see a counselor. Read a Dr. Phil book. No, I take that back – Read the Dismaying Stories on this site, particularly the posts like this one about commitment.

I have a firm and clear policy about when it is okay to entertain thoughts of spending time and affection on another woman – at a minimum this should happen after you have exhausted all reasonable efforts to make your marriage work, after your efforts have failed, after you have fully and publicly split up, after sufficient time has passed to allow some healing to take place and for the sake of common decency, and after you have fully looked after the needs of any children affected by the split. Since you are still married, you clearly do not fit these criteria. You owe your wife and any children you may have better than this.

2) You are a co-worker and trainer for this young woman, which means you are in a supervisory position. Tossing unwanted attention her way is a BIG no-no, not only personally but also legally...

3) ...and trust me, your attentions ARE almost certainly unwanted. How many 20-somethings yearn to take up with a married 50-something? So few that the chances of her being one fall somewhere between slim and none. Your fantasy is her gross-out.

4) This yearning is unhealthy for you. It has you tied up in knots to the extent that you have resorted to consulting an Internet relationship advice guy, so obviously it is a significant stress in your life. You are wasting your emotional energy worrying about a relationship that should not, cannot, will not ever happen. Along the way you are risking divorce, ridicule, losing your career, and being sued for sexual harassment.

I could go on but I think my message is clear.

Despite the title of this post, notice I have not said anything about the age gap. I have no problem with two grown adults who really love each other having an age gap relationship. As I indicated in this post there are even dating services for such relationships. The problems here lie elsewhere.

You must stop this unhealthy obsession. See a counselor or psychologist if you need the help, but find a way to stop, for your sake, for her sake, and for your wife’s sake.

All the best,
Andrew

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Dismaying Story #123: More Than Just A Gap

I’m ba-aack!

My last Dismaying Story post was over a year ago. During that time my family and I moved to a different country and I’ve been working in a different profession with a more time-consuming lifestyle. Some things have not changed, however: I am still passionate about writing, about people, and about how we treat each other ... all the same reasons I started this blog to begin with.

So I have decided to begin posting again. The frequency will probably be closer to weekly rather than daily as before, but hopefully my former readers (and a few new ones) will still pop by and offer their insights.

Amazingly, reader traffic on this site is still steady after all this time, mostly from Google searches. I plan to post in the near future on which topics generate the most searches, but that is for another day.

I have also received a few email questions over the last year. Today’s post is based on one such question.

So, awayyyyy we go....

Dear Andrew,

I have just read Dismaying Story #42: When an Age Gap Doesn’t Work.

I was very touched by your reply to the lady who wrote to you.

I have been married 3 times. I am not sure why so many, I suppose I have always looked for love or just been rather silly in my choices.

I was married to my last wife for 19 years and have 2 lovely boys. But I think I knew from the start things were not exactly right. Anyway 19 years later she finally admitted she had never loved me but had been fond of me.

This resulted in me feeling so wretched and so lost. I had also had the 3 years from hell prior being subject to malicious and unsubstantiated allegations that lost us everything. Last year I fell in love with someone 33 years younger than me. Trouble is she is nearly 17 and the relationship hit the media and my wife capitalized with my partner’s mother to publish a whole lot of one-sided media reports. This had the adverse affect of what they intended and we are now living together.

In so many respects I have never been happier. But society and people judge so quickly and to suddenly be a social pariah is very very hard. In addition we are told my partner will change and will realize how stupid she was and I will lose her. Makes a positive belief very hard.

In your advice to the woman above you advised she heal herself and conquer her fear. I am seeing a consultant psychologist, he gives similar advice. But how can I move past needing approval where there is none to be got? How can one believe in one’s own integrity when it has all been ripped away so publicly?

I wonder if you can help at all. The only way out to me at times is death but this does not seem to be the correct answer.

Signed, Older Partner

Dear Older Partner,

First things first – death is never the “only way out” of a relationship. The fact that you include suicidal thoughts in your letter is disturbing. I urge you to seek professional help immediately, even if you don’t believe you were serious. Such thoughts are nothing to mess around with.

Beyond that, I must admit that I also found other aspects of your letter personally disturbing. Let me see if I have the math correct – she is 16, you are 49, and you are now living together as a couple. It is difficult for me to be detached on that score since that is exactly the age difference between me and my high-school-aged daughter. I am trying to imagine myself dating one of her friends and I just can’t get there. The difference is far too great for me.

It seems many lawmakers agree with me. Something on the order of a dozen or so U.S. states define 16 as below the age of legal consent. It’s no wonder her parents and your wife reacted with outrage and were successful in drumming up negative media interest.

As I try to think through your situation I constantly circle back to the questions of “why.” Why are you involved in such an unusual relationship? Why is your teenaged partner interested in being with someone older than many of her friends’ fathers? What has happened in each of your lives to make this relationship mutually appealing?

I have no way of knowing the answers to those questions, but your letter offers some tempting clues. You felt wretched, lost, like you had gone through hell. Then along came this young thing with needs you seem to fill. That makes you feel better because someone wants you, and you latch on. It is also tempting to assume that sexual attraction to a young woman just coming into physical maturity plays a role. Whatever the factors, there is almost surely more going on than just “I met someone with whom I am compatible.”

And what about her? Why isn’t she interested in dating guys who are 16, or 18, or 20? Is she confident in her self-worth? In her ability to sustain successful relationships? Obviously I cannot know but I bet there are serious emotional scars underlying her choices.

Could I be wrong? Sure. There is a chance the two of you just happen to have the characteristics the other needs to fulfill your lives ... but I believe the chances of that are extremely low. It is far more likely that the two of you have issues that have led you into a relationship many people find offensive.

Does my view seem hypocritical? In the post you mention above I am supportive of people who enter into relationships with more than a statistically normal age gap. There is a limit, however, to what I personally consider to be acceptable and you have apparently exceeded it.

I suggest you take a long hard look in the mirror and consider whether this relationship is really healthy for you, and especially if it is healthy for her. I bet if you look closely enough you won’t like the answers.

All the best,
Andrew

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Dismaying Story #101: Can She Still Find Love?

Dear Andrew,

My friends tell me that at age 58 I may have to redefine "love", settling for companionship and friendship, and not expect to have physical attraction and passion along with them. I'm fortunate to appear fairly youthful and attractive at my age, so I do have my share of male attention, but haven't been able to fall in love with anyone in the 6 years I've been single. I would like to remarry but know statistically that my chances diminish as I approach and enter my 60s.

I've had nice, caring men fall in love me, but don't feel the love in return for them as I felt in my second marriage of 13 years. At age 40, I found the love of my life. We were extremely happy for 10 years when he revealed he had been living a secret life as a cross dresser (I believe he also has gender identity issues). We tried for almost 3 years to overcome the issues, but in the end my needs in the marriage were no longer met. So my memory of the love I felt during the healthy part of the marriage sets the bar for what I want to feel again.

Are my friends right? Will I never have love as I've experienced as a younger woman? It is true that many of the men my age that I'm attracted to are looking over my shoulder at women in their 40s and 30s, so that feels discouraging as well.

Signed, Mature and Still Interested

Dear Mature and Still Interested,

Part of my answer would be the same whether you are 15 instead or 58. Simply put, you are putting the cart before the horse.

One of your goals is to be deeply and passionately in love. You would also like to be married. And you have all of this in mind before you've even met your potential partner.

It usually takes time to develop a deep and abiding attraction between two people. Sure, you hear about love at first sight where everything is magical right from the start, but normally things don't work that way. You start out slow and simple, maybe a movie, a pleasant conversation, a quiet afternoon where neither of you have to be alone for a change. If you can do that with relatively little pressure, then you give the seeds of attraction a chance to grow.

But you've experienced what love can be like and you're anxious to get that back. So when you start seeing someone, every step along the way you ask yourself, "How do I feel right now? Am I passionate? Do I like this guy enough? Could we be married?" What an incredible amount of pressure to put on yourself. My educated guess is that your desire for "the big prize" is preventing you from enjoying fully the smaller pleasures along the way. As a result, you're making it more difficult for things to develop naturally, at their own pace. The pressure will make you more critical, less able to smell the roses along the way.

My personal opinion is that love can blossom at any age. Can you fall as deeply in love at 58 as you were at 40? I don't see why not. My father re-married in his seventies to a wonderful woman he had dated when he was 17 and lost contact with for over 50 years! (They had both lost spouses in the meantime.)

If it's passion you're after, age is partly about your state of mind, how you approach life, and physical attraction is in the eye of the beholder. You can still identify with that, can't you?

My advice is to relax and let life happen at its own pace. If you spend some time with a gentleman, enjoy that time for its own sake and stop worrying about the longer term -- there will be plenty of opportunity to consider the bigger issues if and when a relationship matures and gets serious. This is one case where wishing too hard for something actually makes it less likely to happen.

I disagree with your friends. You can still get that lovin' feelin' back. And if some guys look past you for a younger woman, that's their loss, right? You've already had nice, caring guys show that they enjoy being with you. The next time that happens, forget about the passionate love part for a while and just enjoy dinner and the movie. The rest will take care of itself.

All the best,
Andrew

This week's Question of the Week is a request for stories about how you found a way to be closer to someone in your life. The responses so far are heartwarming, and I invite you to add a story or two. Since I'm later than usual posting this on Friday, I'm going to wait until Sunday to post my favorite response (along with a new question). So here's your chance -- I'd love to hear a happy story starring little ol' you!

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Dismaying Story #97: The "Untainted" Woman

Dear Andrew,

One year ago, at the age of 41, I married a man that I had been with for 5 years. Those years were tumultuous, full of growth that was brought on by a lot of arguments. Somehow, we decided to marry, thinking we could continue to grow into a healthy relationship. This is my first marriage, and his second. I had not had a lot of intimate relationships before this, and he has had many women in his life. He says that one of the reasons he chose me is that because I am "untainted" in regards to men.

I have some insecurities that are based in my childhood. I have worked to grow past them and have done a relatively good job so far, with a bit more traveling to do. The big problem is that I cry. I cry when my husband says something that hurts. This further irritates the problem between us. He gets angry, which makes me cry more.

When this happens, he will reach out to other women via the internet (not meeting them in person, as far as I know). He tells me he is not getting his needs met emotionally from me, so he seeks that out elsewhere. I call him on it, he denies it at first, then admits that yes, he is chatting with other women. He says it is a "distraction". Of course, this does nothing but to make me feel more insecure.

I need to learn how to deal with my insecurities and how they feed into the problems we have in our marriage. I also need to make the tough decision as to whether I should leave the marriage, and more than likely spend the rest of my life alone and bitter. This man has a lot of qualities that I admire. I searched far and wide to find someone that met my very specific criteria for a mate. When I met him, I felt he was the one I wanted to be with.

My questions for you:

• How does a woman meet the needs of her husband emotionally?
• -From your perspective on the limited information I have written here, am I wasting my time in this marriage?

I did not marry to get divorced, yet this is causing a lot of stress in my life that is affecting me in other areas.

Signed, Wondering What to Do

Dear Wondering,

I have been wandering around on this planet for quite a number of years now and to the best of my knowledge I have never met a tainted woman. The fact that your husband views women who have had previous relationships as somehow spoiled or corrupted as a result ... well, that seems bigoted and highly conceited.

When you display distress (crying) it makes him ... angry? I understand it would be stressful and frustrating for him when you display emotion he doesn't understand and therefore feels powerless to remedy. I would expect a supportive husband, however, to react to distress on your part with concern, compassion, caring, a desire to help you -- something along those lines.

"He tells me he is not getting his needs met emotionally from me, so he seeks that out elsewhere." Wow. What an emotional blow to the head that is. "You know honey, you're just not good enough for me. And by the way, whenever I feel dissatisfied (which happens all the time), I'll just get my jollies from other women instead." He is having emotional affairs with these other women, which are every bit as destructive to your marriage as sexual affairs. And it wouldn't surprise me if someone with his obvious lack of commitment is headed for sex as well, if he hasn't been there already.

Are you kidding me? Does he honestly believe these are reasonable behaviors within a marriage? You don't say what criteria you were looking for in a husband, but I can't believe your goal was to find someone who is bigoted, unsupportive and unfaithful. There are clearly reasons why he has gone through a large number of failed relationships.

I honestly don't know what kind of wife could meet the emotional needs of a guy like that. I expect she would have to care only about his needs and have none of her own, let him do whatever he wants without complaint, and never present him with any kind of problem. Have you ever met a woman like that? I haven't and I hope not to, because it would make me sad; she would be an empty shell of a person.

How much better it is to have a wife who yearns for life, who has normal needs and desires. Sure, we all come with our own form of baggage, but that's just the normal price of admission for playing the game called marriage. When he said those vows, he agreed to stick with you in good times and bad, which means helping you with any problems you might have. Your crying is not "the problem." It is merely a symptom of your distress. He's not living up to his end of the bargain; he's simply running away instead.

Your letter implies that you have somehow let him down by not meeting his needs. I don't see it that way. You both have needs. He refuses to help with yours and then runs away so you have no opportunity to address his.

You have described two major issues in your relationship. The first is your fear and insecurity, which arises from childhood events and circumstances. I guarantee this has contributed not only to the difficulties you have had in this marriage, but also in your apparent reluctance to get into a relationship at all. Your personal road to happiness lies directly through the resolution of these issues from your past. This is not something you need to fix in the context of your marriage, but simply for yourself. If you have not already done so, I highly recommend you find a coach or therapist to help you with this resolution.

The second major issue is your husband. He needs to understand that he is not stepping up and being a man in this relationship. He is acting like a spoiled little brat who is used to getting his way and who runs off and cries to someone else if that doesn't happen. He needs to learn how to be empathetic, giving of his time and emotion, and supportive of your needs. He doesn't yet understand that doing so is the only way for his needs to be met; that is the only way he can ever have a partner who shows him how loved and appreciated he is for all his support.

With work, patience and the right help, you should be able to resolve the first issue. I don't know how likely it is, though, that you can resolve the second issue. It sounds like he believes you are the problem, and he would probably resist the idea that he should change. Even if he did come to that realization, he would have to be willing to address long-standing attitudes and poor relationship skills. And at this point he is clearly not committed to you, your needs or your marriage. He would have to swing a long way over to the side of supportiveness and openness, and stay that way for quite a while to heal the considerable hurt he has caused you.

I can't recommend which way you should jump, but you clearly have a steep hill to climb if you want to turn this relationship into a happy place to be.

Finally, I completely disagree that you would likely end up alone and bitter for the rest of your life if this marriage fails. I have seen incredible turnarounds in people's lives when they get the coaching help they need to quiet those inner voices that keep reminding them about the traumas from their past. You will be amazed at the difference this can make for you, and the possibilities it can open up for your life, regardless of who you end up with. I wish you luck in achieving that peace and happiness.

All the best,
Andrew

And to everyone else who is reading along, I wish each and every one of you the very best for 2007! May you all find peace, happiness and satisfaction in glorious achievement in this new year.

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Dismaying Story #92: Where Are All the Good Men?

Dear Andrew,

I am contemplating a relationship with a man older than myself who has two sons, aged 4 and 7. They live with their mother, but he spends as much time with them as possible and visits daily. I am 21 and he is 30. I was looking around online for advice about dating someone with children, and while there seems to be a wealth of information regarding dating as a single parent, there seems to be nothing about this topic. My concerns are not about future logistics as a "mother figure," as the relationship is not yet begun, but rather to do with our respective life experiences, and the bearing this will have on the success of a relationship. I feel that having children fundamentally changes people's life perspective and priorities. I fear that because I have no children, I could never really understand and appreciate his life perspective. I also feel I would always be lower priority than his children. Do I really want to be third in line?

I am also fearful of a relationship at all. I wonder if it's worth getting into another relationship that seems destined to fail, and after reading an older posting on your site (Dismaying Story #42: When an Age Gap Doesn't Work), I wonder if the same applies to me. Am I only attracted to this man because I think it will fail? We have talked about pursuing the relationship and have both agreed the timing is not right because of our various past difficult relationships, and the holiday season bringing stress to his family. We have discussed and agreed on all the difficulties a relationship of this nature would pose; issues like my still wanting to "party," his children, etc. Despite all this logical analysis and all the things stacked against it, I still feel like I want to pursue it. I guess I am confused because I am now second guessing myself and wondering if it's for the right reasons. Could I be just imagining our strong connection because it's what I desperately want to find?

I always seem to make the wrong choice with men and am terrified I will do it again. I constantly ask "Where are all the nice men?" but I never seem to be attracted to the nice ones. I know many women feel this way. Former short but serious relationships include a compulsive liar, a jealous control freak who emotionally abused me, and a conman/fraudster who was actually deported! With this list, I am not confident in my ability to pick suitable partners!

Signed, Afraid, Confused and Petrified

Dear Afraid,

Oftentimes someone will describe a relationship to me and ask me for an opinion on whether I think it could work out. Occasionally the signs are so clear that I must express my doubt, for instance in the presence of violent or emotional abuse, addiction or adultery.

Other times there are obvious challenges but I have to admit that I can't predict whether the union might or might not work out. The relationship game is not that cut and dry. Most of us know couples who seemed destined for each other but ended up in divorce court, and others who overcame tremendous odds and ended up growing old together.

Your story involves a few obvious obstacles, such as the age gap, your childless /partying lifestyle versus his role as a parent, and your insecurity over whether he would feel a closer bond with you or with his children. Could this possibly work out between the two of you? Sure, it might. Would there likely be problems along the way? Oh yeah, I'd say you could count on that.

But don't all of us need to work past difficulties in order to make our relationships work? Absolutely. The issue here is that you know about a few of the challenges right from the beginning.

That is actually a good sign. Both you and this guy have demonstrated level-headedness by recognizing that all is not peaches and cream. You have your eyes wide open, have discussed the potential issues rationally, and have exhibited caution. This type of maturity can serve you well as you try to work past issues in a relationship.

On the other hand, you still have this fire in your belly that is driving you forward. Passion, lust, desire, fun, tossing logic out the window and grabbing him with both hands and impulsively running away for the weekend -- these are what make relationships such an invigorating and rewarding part of life. Yes, you should listen to these instincts too.

How, then, can you resolve your quandary? In my opinion you can't -- not in your current state, not with any reasonable likelihood of success. Here's why.

In your letter, you talk about your desperation and lack of confidence when it comes to relationships. You want badly to be happily hooked up with a nice guy, but fear that it will never happen, that you in particular could never make it happen. Unfortunately your fear serves as a self-fulfilling prophecy. It makes you enter relationships with an expectation of failure and, most likely, a monumental chip on your shoulder. Guys who are attracted to quiet confidence and self-assured women will find this a turn-off; they will stay away in droves. On the other hand, these are precisely the characteristics that will draw in the men with a controlling nature. They will circle in on you from miles away like sharks following the scent of blood in the water. I have a great deal of confidence that this is part of the reason for your dysfunctional dating history.

Once you are in a relationship, your fear also stands in the way of making it work, or at least of making it work well. The inevitable issues that crop up will be blown out of proportion in your mind, serving as immediate reinforcement of your prediction that things wouldn't work out, that he wouldn't want you, and so on.

So here's my answer to your question. Before you can make a judgment about this or any other potential partner, you should focus on healing your own wounded spirit. Several of the posts on this site deal with developing humble self-confidence and stopping negative self-talk. You can start there, and consider finding yourself a coach or therapist to help you with these issues.

Coincidentally, yesterday's post includes a wonderful strategy for dealing with exactly your situation. Have a look at it; basically the idea is to imagine your life in the long term without a significant other, tweak this vision until you are happy with it, and then set out to make it happen. Once you are not so desperate to find a man, you will have an entirely differently perspective for evaluating potential relationships. More than that, you will start attracting a different sort of man, the kind who does not gravitate to needy, desperate women.

For the record, he should have a stronger bond with his children than with you. In fact, I would recommend you stay away from the guy if that were not the case. His children are dealing with the trauma of the breakup of their parents' marriage. They need his unswerving attention and devotion. They need it now and they need it often. Any father who allowed a new dating relationship to take precedence over those needs is probably not the kind of guy you want to end up with. Yes, it would be a challenge to play second (or third) fiddle for a while, and that may not be a challenge you want or need. His children are, however, where his first loyalties must reside.

All the best,
Andrew

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Dismaying Story #83: Something Niggles Him

Dear Andrew,

Please help me understand my partner. I am 41 years old and my partner is 30 years old. We get on fantastically well. He always says how comfortable and relaxed he is in my company, and we have very similar interests. He says he has never been with anyone before that he gets on so well with BUT he says the relationship is 99% perfect. Something niggles him always.

He did say after going out with me for 3 days that the relationship probably won't work since his ideal partner will be a similar age to him and with no children. I have two children one 12 years and one who's 8 years and they all get on remarkably well. He encourages us all to go out together which I have never had before with any other relationship.

I know I can't change his mind. He says we are very much attached to each other but he can't get the thoughts of his ideal partner out of his head.

I have always been under the impression you marry your best friend as he may never find the perfect person. We see each other every day and text every day and do absolutely loads together every week. We are sexually compatible but as his thoughts come back to him and we get serious again he backs off, as if he's frightened of getting too close.

Can you help understand his thoughts? Will he ever change his thoughts?

Signed, Not His Ideal Partner

Dear Not His Ideal Partner,

You are an ideal partner, just not for this guy. You need to find someone who will appreciate you for what you are.

Yes, I understand his thoughts very well. They go something like this: "Wow, what a great deal I have. I get to have sex when I want it. I get a companion to do fun things with me so I don't have to be lonely. I can even hang with her kids when I feel like it. And the icing on the cake? I don't have to promise her a darn thing! I can insult her, tell her she is not good enough for me and that I would really prefer someone different, and it doesn't matter! She still wants me around. This is fantastic. So until someone better comes along, hey, I might as well stick around."

His message to you is unequivocal and clear: "You are not what I want."

So here is my question to you. Why would you want a partner who doesn't want you? The fact that he is still hanging around doesn't mean that he really wants you and he just doesn't know it. It doesn't mean that he will realize over time how much you have come to matter to him. It simply means that he is getting a payoff for being with you today. He gets sex ... today. He gets companionship ... today. If you start talking about long term commitment, then again he tells you that he is most definitely not interested in that, at least not with you.

Why would you put up with that?

Because it means you don't have to be alone ... today. You are also getting a short-term payoff for being with him. More than that, you get that most precious of commodities in relationships -- you get hope. As long as he is hanging around, you can hope things will change. You hope he will eventually see what a wonderful relationship you have and realize he can't live without you.

Hope is a great thing, but in this case it is blinding you from seeing the truth. Your hope is trapping you in a go-nowhere relationship. It is preventing you from moving on and finding a guy who appreciates what an amazing person you really are.

His thoughts will not change. For whatever reasons, he is just not that into you. My advice is to accept that and walk away. Show this guy the door. Only then will you have real hope, because only then will you be available for the partner you deserve, the one who isn't constantly telling you that you are not good enough.

You deserve better than that. Give yourself permission to go find it. The right man for you is out there, I promise.

All the best,
Andrew

There have only been a few responses to this week's Question of the Week about how to make a relationship survive (and hopefully even thrive) during periods of enforced separation. If you have some thoughts on this topic, why not take a moment and contribute to the discussion. I'll post a few thoughts on this tomorrow.

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Dismaying Story #75: Plato's Relationship Legacy

Dear Andrew,

I have a history of "friendships" with men, whom either want something more with me, or whom I want something more with. I do not know how realistic or fair it would be, to them or me, to continue the friendship, knowing that we are on different wavelengths. There are two such men in my life currently.

I have a 67 year old friend whom I can communicate with and enjoy the occasional night of dancing with, that I could not entertain a relationship with because of the age gap (more than 2x my age). We did share the occasional hug or peck on the cheek in our friendship, but somewhere along the way he developed stronger feelings for me and it is clear that he wants something more. I have expressed my feelings that I could not be more than friends with him, but the frequency of his affection interferes with the boundaries that I want, which have also been expressed to him. He is an excellent dancer and that is one of my favorite past-times, but the difference in our perceptions is affecting my motivation to see him. Do you have any suggestions to keep him as a friend and get him to respect the boundaries, so I can continue the friendship? Or would it be better to say good-bye and leave it alone?

The other man is someone I have known for 2 years, dating then and again recently. We have great communication, a deep connection on various levels and there is a physical chemistry as well. For whatever reason, he has stated that he is not ready for anything more than "friends only." Without getting into backgrounds, I understand his position. My dilemma is this, I want to continue a friendship with him - because that foundation has been built quite solidly, but I fear that my feelings for him and "hope" that we will get together again, may make future interactions awkward. I am ordinarily a person whom cuts my losses and moves forward, leaving ex's in the past, but this guy is someone whom I'd rather have in my life, even if only friends. I'm just not sure if I'm capable of being "only friends" with someone who in many ways could be the right guy for me. Am I setting myself up for continued heartache?

Signed, Platonic Possibilities

Dear Platonic Possibilities,

I must admit, dancing and hugging and cheek pecking between two otherwise unattached adults can be potent stuff. That combination has been known to get the embers of desire glowing, even when there is quite an age gap. I can understand how the older gentleman could fall for you and how he could take your continued desire to see him and go dancing as tacit approval for his advances, even if you say otherwise. To him, your actions may speak louder than your words. His ongoing expressions of affection mean that he is somehow encouraged to continue.

Think about how you react when he expresses his feelings. Is the feedback to him consistently neutral or even negative? Or do you get a bit of a payoff when he pays you that compliment? And does this tiny pleasure, however muted, come through to him? Do you smile? Maybe touch his arm in an "Aw shucks" gesture of fondness? If so, that would dramatically lessen the impact when you also suggest he shouldn't do that anymore.

Pay attention to your own reactions and cut out any rewards you might be unconsciously throwing his way. Combine that with telling him explicitly where you want the boundaries drawn, and that may encourage him to be good.

I can't say whether it would be better for you to simply walk away from your dancing partner. This seems to me to be a matter of balance and your own comfort zone. If you can keep the relationship on a level where the fun outweighs your annoyance, then it might be worth it to keep on. Only you can decide if any continued advances bother you enough to call it quits.

You might also want to consider this from his point of view. By allowing him to have hope when none really exists, are you keeping him from other relationships where he might have a better chance of finding what he is looking for?

The situation is reversed with the second guy -- you have the feelings and he wants to keep things light and breezy. You say you want to maintain the friendship even if that is all it is, but you also still hope his ambivalence will someday evolve into deeper feelings for you.

Some readers may remember Dismaying Story #47: The Objectionable Beau, which deals with a similar situation. If so, perhaps you can join me in telling Platonic Possibilities what she needs to hear: He's Just Not That Into You! Yours is one of the classic situations described in the book of that name by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo. In my opinion, if this guy was going to be excited about having a relationship with you, he already would be. The chances are extremely low that his feelings will spontaneously bloom at some later magical date. You'd be better off to face the music right now; this is not the guy with whom you're going to ride off into the sunset.

Could you keep him as a friend? Sure, if that will make you happy. I wonder if it will, though. You said it yourself -- you have hopes for a deeper relationship. Since it won't be with him, I suggest you get busy looking for it elsewhere. As it stands now, he is getting the level of companionship he wants, while you are not.

As a final thought, you might want to consider whether having your older dancing partner in your life could be a roadblock when seeing other guys. There is certainly nothing wrong with having multiple platonic friends, regardless of gender. It is possible, though, (even probable) that potential dating partners might perceive the older gent as more than your friend and as a possible threat.

All the best,
Andrew

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Dismaying Story #42: When an Age Gap Doesn't Work

Dear Andrew,

I am a child of divorce. I divorced myself after 3 years of marriage and two children. I am now 34 and I have pretty much not had a healthy successful relationship in say, oh, NEVER. I feel lonely a lot and even though my life is very full with my kids who are active in school and community activities I have felt something missing in my life for quite some time. I am a very attractive lady and have been on MANY dates with many nice men. But I have yet to find someone that I want to spend forever with. I recently started seeing a man I met at work and I have fallen very hard for him. I can’t stop thinking about him and I want to spend every moment with him. I am good at keeping it in check around him and I don’t think he realizes how I feel. Here is the problem. He is 20 years old. Logically I realize this can never go anywhere and I am just trying to ride out the storm. I want to know why this happened to me. Why couldn’t I have these feelings with someone my age that I could possibly have a future with? I am SO confused. I think about him all the time and I STILL feel lonely ALL the time. HELP!!

Sincerely, Lonely Old Lady

Dear Lonely,

First of all, you are far from old. I suspect many readers of this site would dearly love to return to thirty-four. I know that's unlikely to help you, though. You FEEL like life is passing you by. You very much want to share life with someone special and the best you seem able to manage is to yearn for a much younger man. I can understand the feeling but nonetheless it must be said -- you are still an attractive woman with a long road ahead of you.

Can relationships possibly work with such an age difference? Certainly. We even have a common term for them, the May-December romance. In your case it's more like March-June, though. One of the most well-known relationships of this type is the 2005 marriage of Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher, who at the time were 42 and 27, respectively. There is even an online dating service for people seeking age gap relationships, which is now apparently the more politically correct term.

Most people tend to be uncomfortable with such age gaps, however, and your letter makes it clear this is the case with you. Technically speaking you are old enough to be his mother. You realize many people would look askance at this relationship and the young man is also unlikely to see much of a future in it. More than that, you have not consistently sought out age gap relationships in the past. This is an anomaly for you. You didn't ask: "How can I make this work?" Instead you asked: "I am in yet another dysfunctional relationship and would like to know why."

As always, I cannot come to a definitive conclusion based solely on a letter. I can, however, make a few educated assumptions and hopefully point you in the most likely direction.

One term keeps popping into my head as I review your letter: fear of failure, where "fear" is the most salient word. You have experienced several failed relationships, including your parents, your marriage and a string of dating attempts. I suspect you have an extremely low opinion of your ability to make a relationship work. You have become conditioned to expect relationships to fail, especially those involving you.

After a while this becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. When you begin dating someone you ask yourself if he could be the one. Is it worth going for it? Should you roll the dice and really try to make this one work? The answer is tied up in whether you think this relationship has a good chance of succeeding. After all, who wants to invest all that time and effort if the result is likely to be failure and pain? Unfortunately you believe failure is likely for virtually every guy you meet because every such relationship involves one fatal flaw -- you. That scared part of your inner self huddles in the corner of your mind, shaking with fear because of the relationship trauma you have suffered in the past. You keep waiting for that perfect guy to show up, the one where the fit is so incredibly right that this relationship MUST succeed, regardless of your ineptness.

You never meet that guy, though, because he doesn't exist. Every potential partner is human and therefore imperfect. Every relationship involves compromise and adjustment to make it work, all the skills you are convinced you will never possess. Meanwhile the elevator music playing in the back of your mind is a constant litany of "Don't Go Breaking My Heart" and "Breaking Up is Hard to Do." I suspect this has a lot to do with why you have dated many nice men but have never decided to attempt a serious relationship with any of them.

Your co-worker is different. For some reason he doesn't threaten you the way the others did. I can't be certain of why, but I have to wonder if the unworkable nature of this relationship is also a large part of its appeal. You don't have to worry that you will be the reason for this one failing. It is already pre-destined to fail because of factors that have nothing to do with your perceived inadequacies. If (strike that -- when) this one goes down the tubes, your traumatized inner self reasons, it will not be yet another knock on your self-esteem. This one will not be your fault. It's because of your ages. So ... no pressure. Enjoy the ride for a while. Unfortunately, regardless of the reasons, you can see where you are going to end up and you don't like the view.

Your fears pose extra challenges for you in any relationship. If you become involved with a guy, you look constantly for signs that the dam is about to burst. Any turmoil may be interpreted as affirmation of your fear. "See? There we go again, failing. I better bail before things become too awful." Again, you create exactly that which you fear.

A more secure person often reacts to relationship turmoil differently. "This sucks. I know I can make everything all right again, now I just have to figure out how." For this reason, a confident person can have a better chance of sticking with a relationship for the long term.

I suggest the first step in making any relationship work is to heal yourself. You need to work past the effects of all that negative conditioning. Ideally you would like to develop positive expectations about your ability to succeed. This is a steep hill to climb alone. You may want to consider seeing a professional who can help you work through your fear. Behavioral psychologists are often qualified to help with this sort of issue, and may also be a source of help for learning confidence-boosting relationship management skills such as effective communication, conflict management and cooperative negotiation. A wide variety of self-help books are also available on these topics.

I suspect you will be in a much better position to assess potential partners once you develop more confidence in yourself. It will be like looking in the display case at the pastry shop: "Yum! I know I can handle that!"

All the best,
Andrew

If you haven't already done so, don't forget to check out this week's Ask the Faithful Readers question. I will post my favorite response next weekend with a link to the winner's blog. Also, if there is anything you would like to know about me or this site, now is your chance. Your interview questions are needed so I can be interviewed online. You can find the details here.

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