Retailers Flummoxed Nationwide

Retailers across the nation are scratching their heads in wonderment today in response to a run on plus-size aprons. Most stores have sold out and huge crowds of frustrated customers are reported in several locations.

"It's the most bizarre thing I've ever seen," one Wal-Mart manager said, shouting to make himself heard above the din of angry people. "All of a sudden every guy in town wants an apron and their wives seem just as anxious for them to buy one. And all the men have this odd look of desperation on their faces."

The unexpected demand has retail analysts scrambling for an explanation. So far the theories include the obvious need to make lunches for school, or possibly the late summer handyman projects where men prepare their homes for fall and winter.

Perhaps the most persuasive theory, though, was advanced by a bemused group of women standing outside a local shopping mall and watching the ruckus.

"There is nothing more appealing than a man willing to put on an apron for the sake of a woman's happiness," Mother Jones RN said. "When my husband's in the kitchen, he's the sexiest man alive."

Other bystanders chimed in with similar opinions. "My husband has figured out that if he helps his wife out around the home," Karmyn R said, "she is more likely to have sex with him instead of being 'too tired and stressed out!' "

This left Julie Julie Bo Boolie and Jellyhead nodding in agreement. "There is nothing sexier," Julie said, "than a man loading the dishwasher, washing the floor or bathing and putting his children to bed. I mean absolutely nothing!"

JBWriterGirl went so far as to put it this way: "One afternoon my husband offered to take over a refinishing job I was doing. He strained and groaned and I saw muscles I'd never even realized he had. Was I horny? You betcha."

Conclusive evidence for this "Foreplay by Dishwashing" theory showed up minutes later when two burly men in one store struggled over the lone remaining apron and ended up tearing it into two pieces. "Now you've done it," one of them shouted as he waved his half in the other man's face. "How am I supposed to look sexy in this?"

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Dear Faithful Readers,

Your comments a couple of days ago were simply too juicy to pass up! Thanks to everyone for all the input, and to JBWriterGirl, whose The Not So News/JBLA site inspired the format.

Coming up tomorrow: Dismaying Story #43: The Not So Handyman. This is the story of a woman who has trouble getting her husband to pitch in with handyman projects around the house, the ones that guys traditionally look after. I'll examine some of the underlying causes of their conflict, including how issues like this are often not as one-sided as you might think.

See you then!
Andrew

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Dismaying Story #29: ISI:Blogspot

Have you ever caused a scene? An interpersonal scene? Well, welcome to ISI:Blogspot. That's "Interpersonal Scene Investigation." The relevance will be clear in a moment.

A big thank you for today's question goes out to Lizza, who maintains a blog called I Am Woman, See Me Blog!.

My posts over the last few days have been in response to serious questions from readers with significant stresses in their lives. Today is a little different, more of a "what if" scenario. A few days ago Lizza posted the following:

I haven't been watching TV lately, but last night I did some catching up (if you can call enjoying a trifecta of CSI re-runs catching up). They were all good, but the CSI:New York episode I saw was particularly interesting.

It went something like this. There was a woman working as a hostess in an upscale restaurant. She'd get the calling cards that male guests would leave in the restaurant's card bowl. Then she'd call them up anonymously and start the conversation with the line "My cat is in your garden." Many of the guys were intrigued by her approach and several of them ended up having phone sex with her. She never told them who she was or where she got their numbers; she'd call them a number of times over a span of weeks until they became obsessed with those calls. She agrees to meet one of them for some nookie -- and is found dead shortly after.

Some of this sounds strange to me. I do understand that a guy who has anonymous phone sex for a period of time might want to take it a step further, to meet her personally and have honest to goodness, real sex with her. But what if when he meets her for the first time he sees that she's actually butt-ugly, or that she has halitosis, or that she bears a strong resemblance to a purple female dinosaur? Would the fantasy that he's built up in his head about her over the weeks be strong enough to override her faults -- would he still go ahead with the tryst?

The idea that men can get turned on by anonymous conversations (even if it's sex talk) with women about whom they know nothing seems strange to me too. If I answer the phone and some male stranger feeds me a line like "My cat is in your garden," I'd hang up pronto. Men are from Mars, women are from Venus indeed.

I think I'll go ask Andrew what he thinks about this aspect of the difference between men and women. He's kind of like the Gil Grissom of interpersonal relations.

Dear Lizza,

I don't think I've ever been compared to a TV star like that before. Hopefully I can live up to your apparent confidence.

I called the CSI:New York producer and you'll be happy to know he agreed with you. He had to acknowledge they dropped the ball with that particular show. An entire side to the investigation had not been addressed -- the interpersonal side. So I dipped into my operating budget and flew to New York. After all, no effort is too much when it comes to satisfying my Faithful Readers. The CSI cast members were most helpful, walking me through the crime scene and making it possible for me to reconstruct the interpersonal scene. By examining the spots where the hostess had been when she talked with those men, I was able to determine the angles she used and how her words impacted her targets. I also went back to the lab and mixed a few solutions to test the chemistry between them. I even interviewed a few of the survivors and, lo and behold, their psyches still bear telltale imprints from the verbal barbs she shot at them. It was all very illuminating.

Some parts of that situation sound strange to you? I have to tell you, Lizza, pretty much all of it sounds strange to me. What would possess a young woman to phone a series of strange men and try to initiate phone sex with them? Extreme loneliness? A streak of perversion where she got some sort of thrill from it? Or perhaps she had some more mundane motive, like wanting to put them in a position where she could blackmail them for money. Either way, I can't imagine that very many women would or could actually make those phone calls.

Your questions, though, have to do with the men. Let's start with the issue of whether a guy in full sexual conquest mode might go into emergency retreat if the girl turns out not to be attractive to him. First of all, I don't believe there is any such thing as an ugly girl. The perception of attractiveness is entirely a characteristic of the beholder (in this case the guy), not of the girl. I'm sure we all know people whom we personally do not find attractive, but they have a spouse so obviously someone else has a different perception. I believe everybody, and I mean literally everybody, is attractive to someone, usually a very large group of potential someones.

I know what you mean by your question, though. What is likely to happen when the guy arrives all charged up, only to meet someone to whom he is really, really not attracted? It is well known that willing sex partners are harder to come by for unattached men than they are for women, so I suspect some men would be undeterred. Others would find a (hopefully, but not necessarily, graceful) way to extricate themselves from the situation.

If you want to conduct an experiment to test my theory, simply drop by any bar about half an hour before closing time and have a look around. I bet you'll see a number of "experimental trials" underway, several of which are likely to end with two people hooking up who probably would not have found each other attractive a few hours (and several drinks) before.

I'm a little confused as to where you got your idea that guys might be attracted to purple dinosaurs. I polled several guys I know and less than thirty percent of them rated the image on the right as "hot." Maybe guys are a little different where you are from, in which case you should be extremely careful while you are out conducting that experiment.

Now, about the idea that guys might respond positively to an anonymous female caller. Personally, such a call would make the hair on the back of my neck stand up and I would be off the phone in short order. Is it conceivable, though, that the CSI writers were correct -- that some guys would continue with the call? I suspect so. Guys are typically the hunters, not the hunted, so speaking with an anonymous female caller is nowhere near as threatening as it would be if the genders were reversed. Some guys would likely be weirded out and call it quits when she steered the conversation toward phone sex. A few of the more adventuresome sorts, though, would undoubtedly hang in there for the entire experience. The bottom line: some Martians would talk to the brazen Venusian, while others would pay attention to their bizarre-meter and bail out.

I hope that helps Lizza! Thanks for thinking of me.

All the best,
Andrew

Today is the last day to take part in this week's Ask the Faithful Readers question. I will post my favorite response tomorrow and a new question on Saturday.

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Dismaying Story #22: Do Guys Like Funny Girls?

Dear Andrew,

This BBC article reports on a survey that bothers me. It claims many men are not attracted to funny women and instead find them threatening. Apparently guys like girls with a sense of humor but not if that means having a laugh at the guy's expense. This worries me because I have an off-the-wall sense of humor ... it's been called a "cerebral" sense of humor by some.

You see, there's this guy I have a crush on. He laughs when I say something he thinks is funny (and these are things I don't say especially to make him laugh -- it's just the way I really express myself) and he tells me I'm a funny gal. He's a funny guy himself and we often have a good time just laughing and talking when we're together. At least that's what I think and feel.

I hardly ever put him down, even in jest. And in the rare instances that I do, I follow up immediately with a comment that puts me down in a funny way too. For example, if he says he's starting to become forgetful, I say something like "Well, chalk it up to old age." Then before he can react, I add "It's worse for me, sweetheart. After all, I'm older than you."

It would be nice to think he's attracted to me too. But after reading that article, I wonder if he is laughing at me, not with me. Maybe I have no chance with him because my funniness turns him off. Are some men really so insecure when it comes to a sense of humor in women?

Sincerely,
Mirthfully Moody

Dear Mirthfully,

To me, that BBC article could be restated like this: "There are plenty of insecure guys out there in the world."

Well that's hardly news, is it? Everyone has their own insecurities, regardless of gender, and I suspect the men who were surveyed wouldn't like GUYS making jokes at their expense either.

I can tell you from personal experience, from many, many guys that I know, we LOVE gals with a sense of humor!! Are you kidding me? When my wife and I share a laugh, or even better when she catches me off guard by cracking a good joke ... man, it rocks my world!

A few weeks ago I was socializing with a group of friends and we started talking about the types of people we used to date and why. One of my best friends said he always liked girls who were happy and laughed a lot. He married one just like that and she's a delightful person.

That said, I can envision situations where a guy could be turned off. We've probably all met people who crack jokes constantly, not all of which seem particularly funny or appropriate. This can be a sign of a person who doesn't know how else to interact with people. They have never developed the self confidence to simply be sincere and friendly, and trust this will be enough so people will like them. If a young woman wears herself out all night entertaining a guy with her wit, she can come across as insecure and ill at ease. He is likely to sense this awkwardness and may react negatively to that, not the jokes per se. In your case, it sounds like you simply see the humor in life and comment on it as the world flashes by. As long as you don't use jokes as a cover for nervousness, you should have nothing to worry about in this department.

Another situation is mentioned in the BBC article. A guy can be turned off when a girl makes a joke at his expense, in other words when she puts him down. (The same is true when a guy puts a girl down.) You admit to doing this on occasion and I recommend you stop doing so entirely, at least until your relationship has matured considerably from where it is today. In Dismaying Story #5: Hot & Cold Buttons I talk about how people develop an intimate knowledge of how their partner will react to various kinds of teasing. The type of stinger that draws a genuine chuckle from one spouse might cause deep hurt and anger in someone else's relationship. Couples who have been together a long time often know which topics are safe and which others are likely to mean a night on the couch.

You and your friend are not even officially dating yet. You have simply not been with him long enough to know his boundaries. In your letter you mention immediately saying something about yourself after zinging him. You intuitively recognize that he might be offended by what you have just said. More than that, the fact that you wrote the letter at all indicates this is a hot button issue for you. If the two of you are still together years from now, you might get to a point where you can safely throw barbs in his direction. You're definitely not there yet, however, so a safer course is to be consistently respectful. Remember, it's only a joke if the other person finds it funny.

If you wonder how your friend feels about something you've said, a little honesty can go a long way. Ask him whether he thinks people like your humor. Tell him you value his judgment. By doing so, you show that you trust him enough to be a little vulnerable with him. This trust is a huge compliment to him.

Other than that, you and your not-quite-boyfriend seem to be getting along well. I suspect you would have seen some signs by now if he was one of those insecure types who found your humor threatening. It sounds like he is confident enough to enjoy hanging with an outspoken girl like you. Good for both of you!

Finally, you have to be yourself. Would you really want to hook up with an insecure guy? No. You want a guy who is a good fit for you. So if you happen upon one who is turned off by your sense of humor, it simply means you haven't found the guy for you yet.

There are plenty of confident guys out there. I bet you'll find one who will love you just the way you are.

All the best,
Andrew

I feel loved and honored when you submit emails and comments. I tend to become dismayed, though, when the backlog of questions dwindles. So ask away and your submission might very well appear as a Dismaying Story.

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A Good Joke, Ruined

Somebody told me once that golf is a good walk, ruined. Well that's what I intend to do today to the humor of Jeff Foxworthy by putting a few of his jokes under the microscope. I was watching a Foxworthy TV special when it occurred to me just how much of his material is based on marriage and relationships. This is true of many comedians; I just happened to be watching Jeff when the thought struck me. So I started wondering why. What is it about our attempts to get along with each other that the whole world seems to find so endlessly entertaining, in fact downright hilarious?

I put on my detective hat and came up with the following clues. See if you can spot a pattern. Foxworthy's topics include:

• Trying to figure out which answer your wife is looking for when she asks you a loaded question, like whether you would re-marry if she died: "You ever have that dream where you're taking a test you haven't studied for?"
• Understanding what will and will not anger your spouse, and how women are so much better at this than men: "How often do you see a man stomp out of the room crying, and a woman going, 'What? What'd I say?' "
• Attempting to make peace with your wife after you fail to master that last skill: "You like jewelry don't you? I'll buy you a lot of jewelry."
• Maintaining a healthy sex life once you have children, especially when the young ones wake up at night and wander quietly into your bedroom: "There are few surprises in life to match looking your wife directly in the eye ... and feeling somebody tickle the bottom of your feet. That is what you call a show stopper right there."

Did you notice? These are exactly the same types of relationship issues that show up as Dismaying Stories. How can we deal with various circumstances that stress our relationship? How can we get along better?

I paid attention to the audience reaction to some of Foxworthy's relationship stories. Finger pointing and sheepish expressions were common. People clearly related to these situations from personal experience. The collective reaction seemed to be: "I can feel the pain of those people Jeff is talking about because I have been there, done that and I am soooo glad it's not me ... at least not this time."

Here is the message you can take from this; you are not alone. If your relationship is less than perfect, if you and your partner need to work through issues from time to time, that doesn't make you unusual or somehow inferior to others. It means you are normal. You are dealing with the same types of issues the rest of us have been struggling with since Eve asked Adam which bunch of fig leaves suited her figure the best.

So keep dropping by, faithful reader, and together we will chip away at the mystery that is the human relationship, one Dismaying Story at a time.

Sincerely,
Andrew

P.S. I made a discovery about myself while working on this article. Apparently while I'm typing I say the words silently to myself. As I composed this story I realized the voice in my head was speaking in Foxworthy's southern accent. For some reason that made the whole experience more enjoyable. And you can draw whatever conclusions you'd like from my admission that I sometimes hear a voice in my head. Keep smiling!

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Don’t try this at home...

Getting your man to pitch in around the house is sure to become a common theme on this site. Those whacky guys who provide Useless Advice from Useless Men offer an approach that is . . . well, unique is an understatement. You'll have to read it to believe it. I can't give my stamp of approval to this one as an approach you should try, but it gets full marks for thinking outside the box.

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