Dismaying Story #98: After Her Gay Husband Left

Dear Andrew,

I was married for 24 years to a sweet, funny, intellectual guy with lots of talents. We had three children together, we traveled the world, and we were in the Peace Corps together.

Then one day, out of the blue, he told me he was gay. He had thought about it for 5 years and said I would now have plenty of time to get used to the idea. Within two weeks I received a bill for his HIV and syphilis tests (both negative). He began to wear strange clothes and get fancy haircuts. He brought his gay friends home while I was at work (with the kids there). His address book was full of appointments with a man I know to be gay. He wanted to stay married, but he wanted to go forth and be gay.

We stayed together for one miserable year and then divorced. Our last child was in high school and we were the talk of the town. Most of my friends deserted me. Our children suffered terribly. Both boys were often asked if they were gay like their father.

But here's the thing. I divorced this man eleven years ago. I have moved on in every logistical way -- have a job, am self supporting, have good relationships, and am close to my children. I understand he is gay and I think I have forgiven him. But on some level, I am still grieving. I ruminate about this and think of him every day with sadness and anger. I am often depressed. I can't even imagine a relationship with another man. He told me last year he felt he was not a part of the family, even though he is invited to everything we do. I blew up and wrote him a letter that must have scorched his mailbox.

Shouldn't I be over this by now? What else can I do to get over it? By the way, he is now HIV positive, to my sorrow and anger. Why would a man sell everything of value for gay sex, or is that the issue? How could a man place that over the value of a family, a long history, family unity, and everything else? I would appreciate any comments.

Signed, Still Grieving

Dear Still Grieving,

I’m sorry to hear of your pain. Everyone has their own pace for grieving and healing, so you shouldn’t feel bad because you have not yet found a way to resolve this within yourself.

There are multiple issues involved in his departure from your life. The first is garden-variety rejection, which is devastating all by itself. He wanted you, enough to spend many years with you and create a family ... and now he doesn’t want you anymore. He wants someone else, maybe even several someones. That hurts.

Your ex-husband has gone further by saying he isn’t part of the family, even though he is still father to your children. This is another loss for you. Many divorced folks continue to co-parent, even when one is gay or lesbian. This strikes me as either (a) selfish on his part, (b) a reaction to extreme stress on his part as he searches to understand his own identity, or (c) a combination of both. I suspect (c) is most likely the case. Whatever the reason, it adds to your emotional burden.

Then there is the revelation that he is gay. This is difficult for many people to understand and I believe this is the primary reason you have not been able to come to a full resolution, even after several years have passed.

Focusing on sex is a common reaction when someone close to you comes out of the closet. After all, many people identify this as the one aspect of the gay lifestyle that would be most unfathomable for themselves. In your case you might be able to imagine yourself having dinner with another woman, sharing an apartment, or even walking down the street holding hands. You may have done all of the above with a roommate or relative. But the thought of stripping off your clothes and getting hot and sweaty with someone of the same gender? Many heterosexual people find that image foreign to say the least.

Sex can be a powerful motivator for some people, and I have no way of knowing how much of a factor it was (or is) for your husband. Clearly, though, identifying yourself as gay is about much more than sex.

Turn the situation around and ask yourself this: was sex the primary reason you chose to get married? Or was it a combination of companionship, physical attraction (which includes sex but also more), desire to have a family, and a wish to share a bond of togetherness with someone to whom you are attracted? Of course; it was a combination of factors. The same is true for gays and lesbians. Since sex is not the primary defining characteristic for your relationships, it seems unreasonable to assume it is for others.

This is not simply a matter of him choosing fleeting pleasures over the things you believe to be important in life. Rather, it is analogous to the yearning you would feel if you were raised in a society of lesbians and you came to realize you would rather be married to a man.

That doesn’t explain or excuse his choices to act on the yearning while you still have a child in school (some people might have chosen to wait, others would have found the wait excruciating) or to isolate himself from your family, but hopefully it helps you understand how he could yearn to make the change.

To help quell your feelings of grief, I suggest you examine your judgments about the two lifestyles. You clearly think of his former family life as valuable and good, while his current lifestyle seems less so. You need to recognize that you are making judgments from your viewpoint, which is different from his. To him, his new lifestyle offers such significant advantages that he was willing to endure significant costs to achieve it. (Don’t for a second think is was easy for him to admit that he was gay or to make such radical changes to his life.) Even if you can’t understand those advantages (and admittedly, his HIV positive status likely makes it more difficult and sad for you to do so), you should try to accept that they are real and valuable to him.

You may never get to a place where you are completely comfortable with his choices, but hopefully these realizations can help diminish the constant anguish and wondering that you are going through. Perhaps a greater understanding from his point of view might help stop that never-ending loop playing the question “Why?” in your head.

You might also try reading a book such as the one I feature at the top of this article (the image is linked to Amazon). I wish you the best of luck finding a greater measure of peace over this issue.

With warmest regards,
Andrew

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Dismaying Story #67: A Confusing Attraction

I have invited Tom Matthews, a colleague of mine from the San Diego area, to serve as a guest columnist and help answer today's question. Tom is a personal coach who helps a diverse range of clients deal with personal issues such as bolstering self confidence, recognizing and eliminating negative self talk, public speaking, and interpersonal communication. He is also the author of NAKED, ALONE, IN THE DARK, a forthcoming book about the power of the discovery of humble self confidence. I provided Tom with an anonymous copy of the following question:

Dear Andrew,

I am happily married to the man of my dreams. We are still in love after many years and are truly partners in every way. I can't imagine being married to a better man.

The problem is that recently I have been having very strong romantic feelings for someone else -- someone who happens to be a woman. I am certain that she doesn't suspect my feelings for her. We are only casual acquaintances. She is not gay. But then again, I never would have classified myself as gay, either. I've never had romantic feelings for any other female.

What surprises me is that my love for my husband is diminished not at all by the love I feel for this woman. I am as happy with him as I have ever been but I still sometimes find myself pining for this lovely woman who has no clue how much I adore her.

Is this sort of attraction normal after many years of marriage? Am I just going through some sort of mid-life crisis? Or am I destined to always love this woman from afar knowing I would never do anything to hurt my husband?

signed, Surprised and Confused

First let's see what advice Tom has to offer and then I will provide my response.

Dear Surprised,

Sometimes we are confronted with a person that, for reasons we cannot explain, induces a feeling of attraction or love in us that seems inappropriate. I often find the impact of such a person is based on a memory or an event in our lives. For instance, I had a client whose wife developed exactly the sort of attraction for another woman that you describe. Turns out the other woman reminded her of a teacher who had nurtured her when she had no one else to do so. Even the woman's name was the same as the teacher. Thankfully she saw a therapist before she spoke with the "other woman." The therapist helped her discover the object of her desire was just an ordinary person, and not an angel or some sort of salvation.

Unless there have been other events or circumstances to suggest you have homosexual or bisexual tendencies, this type of attraction almost certainly indicates a desire for nostalgic comfort. The woman to whom you are attracted is probably the personification of someone (or sometime) that tugs a heart string of simpler and easier times, thus the attraction after several years of happy marriage. Call it an emotional mid-life crisis, a need to be comforted and a desire for a simpler time.

The bottom line? You have, by your own admission, what most people pray for: a happy marriage. Whatever you do, do not jeopardize that for the indescribable, fleeting emotional need to have something else. Look deep into your heart and see what is genuinely working in your intentions and motivations concerning this woman. Whatever superficial comfort or thrill you may get in pursuit of these feelings comes with an enormous price tag, even if you never told your husband of your intentions or what transpired. Regret and unspoken truth (the worst kind of lie) is a bitter pill to swallow once an impulse is acted upon.

Are you bi-sexual? I doubt it. Does this woman evoke something in you? Absolutely. Should you ignore it and be grateful for what you have? Yes!!! Stop being confused and start being grateful.

Good luck!
Tom

Dear Surprised,

To me, the issue of commitment to a marriage is the same regardless of the gender of the "other person." Just to gain some perspective, what if you found yourself attracted to another man? You still love your husband, but for some reason you feel a rush of excitement and warmth whenever you meet or think about this other guy. Should you do anything about it?

Here's the thing. Everyone meets attractive people. How could we not? The world is full of them, and every once in a while we meet someone who strikes a special chord. There is a wow factor, something about them that makes us sit up and take special notice. When you are married, though, you have a responsibility to file those feelings where they belong. Go ahead and enjoy that tiny tingle of pleasure that comes from seeing someone attractive, then file it under "Life's Harmless Diversions" and get on with your day.

Would you find it easier to recognize this attraction as a diversion if the other person were male? Possibly. In any case, the issue of fidelity is the same and so should be your response.

You are left wondering, though, how you could be attracted to another woman. Tom is right; this woman -- no, strike that, your perception of this woman -- fills some need for you. She invokes a feeling for which you have a strong need. It could be that when you think of her you feel safe or needed or mothered or not alone in the world. Like Tom suggested, this may be because she reminds you of someone else or another time in your life. The important realization for you, though, is that it is this feeling for which you are actually yearning; she is only the stimulus.

What if you started spending more time with this woman and tried to develop a relationship with her. First, I suspect you would discover that you have never been attracted to women in general because you are not bisexual, so the relationship would flounder on those grounds. More than that, you would find that these special feelings she invokes in you would subside. Real, day-to-day life would intrude. You would discover the grass is no greener on her side of the fence, that she is just another person with both nice and not-so-nice attributes. At that point you would realize you had made a tremendous mistake.

Yes, you are going through some sort of crisis, and no, you are not destined to love her forever. Try to identify the need she seems to fill for you. If you can't come up with this on your own, you might consider seeing a therapist for some confidential counseling. You need to find another way to fulfill that need, which might mean coming to terms with some unresolved insecurity or re-connecting with your mother on a deeper emotional level. If you can accomplish this, then both your crisis and your misplaced attraction will be over.

All the best,
Andrew

Do you have a relationship issue in your life? Tell me about your situation and it may be featured as a Dismaying Story. Comments can be anonymous and the identity of email respondents always remains confidential.

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