Dismaying Story #145: Husband Poaching

Dear Andrew,

Lately, a woman in my husband's office has seemed to take a romantic interest in him. I believe he's loyal to me, but it bothers me that she thinks she has a chance, and is not leaving him alone. She knows he's married, so her initial email to him was "So, do you have any younger brothers available?"

It's hard for me to believe my husband doesn't know that's one of the most cliché pick-up lines in the book—cleverly designed to gauge a crush's commitment to his/her current relationship, while simultaneously implying that you're into that person. "I know you're taken, so I'll let you know I'm interested in you by telling you I'm looking for romance, and I'd be interested in someone a lot like you since I guess I can't have the real you....or can I?"

Let's rewind a bit. He met one woman, we'll call her Betty, while we were dating. Betty called him at all hours of the night just to talk and would sound a little put out that he was with me (I could hear her on the line). She invited him on outings that he emphatically insisted were not dates, and showed up to his house with videos in hand at 11 p.m. on Friday nights when she thought I wasn't there. These kinds of things happened all the time with her. I grumbled about it, but didn't want to be the "insecure" jealous type and I wanted to prove that I trusted him, so I kept my cool and played nice with her.

I thought it would cease with our marriage, but she still calls and emails him (though less now than before). His tone of voice on the phone reveals how special she is to him. When I get upset about it, he sighs to demonstrate how tiring my insecurities are, makes me out to be a jealous, petty nag, defends her, a fight ensues, and he enters a defiantly defensive gridlock and essentially refuses to cut ties.

I feel that Betty wouldn't persist in such a way if she felt that it was hopeless, that she didn't have a chance. After a few years of her blatant disrespect for relationship boundaries and his unwillingness to honor my role as his wife, I started to lose trust in him. So without his knowledge, I got in the habit of monitoring his email for any sign that he was giving her reasons to persist. This snooping, however, feels like a dirty, compulsive weakness. Part of me is looking for damning guilt, but part of me hopes that I will find something that redeems him.

I learned of the more recent office admirer (let's call her Wilma) while observing this email correspondence. It makes me think he's developed a habit of passively encouraging this behavior because it's flattering, which I can understand, but this encouragement allows her to undermine me and mock our marriage. The fact that she is so brazen indicates that she is a mate poacher, something I've been hearing a lot about lately. I learned that poachers target people in serious relationships because of the thrill and power of seducing an unavailable person, taking competitive behavior to a new level. When a man flirts with me knowing that I'm married, I'm a little offended. He is discrediting the significance of my marriage and disrespecting not only my boundaries, but also my husband.

Just like with Betty, my husband defends Wilma. He defends this situation and insists it's a cordial, professional relationship. I don't buy it. In my opinion, there is really no such thing as harmless flirting with someone else's spouse and it concerns me when people brush it off as innocent. In fact, I think the likelihood of adultery is intensified when people militantly dismiss it as "innocent"; it's as if they like their guards to be down, and are desperate and determined to remain that way, as vulnerable to temptation as possible.

Because of her brazen arrogance, and her apparent confidence that she could poach my husband any time she wanted, I am incensed. It's not enough for me to know she's wrong. I need HER to know it. Maybe I am too insecure, and this is definitely petty. But I feel like a chump and I'm angry that he's not sticking up for me—or for his own marriage.

I have been giving him extra praise to ensure he isn't craving it enough to seek it from anyone else, but I feel like nothing I say as his wife is as exciting as the things that come from the fun, fresh, coworker who doesn't HAVE to say those things. I know that I'm superior to her in pretty much every way (personality, success, looks, class, talent, and the fact that I'm not a tacky menace) and that I shouldn't be threatened. I guess it just enrages me to watch her try.

Imagine that you lived next to a pedophile and you had small children. You have taught them all about strangers and grown-ups that could hurt them even when the ones who seem nice. You've even specifically warned your kids to stay away from the pervert next door, and you know they would not get into his house or car if he asked them to. But when they walk to their bus stop, you can see the pedophile staring at them and trying to figure out ways to entice them. Wouldn't that disturb you?

My husband is obviously more discerning and less vulnerable than a small child, but I am just as upset knowing there is a woman who has her eyes on him, plotting to take him. It's also upsetting that he refuses to see her as predatory (yes, it's a strong word…but the shoe fits) and thus lives with his guard down.

I have concluded that no matter what I do, he can't be convinced and she can't be stopped. The only way to get through my issues will be to do it on my own and make peace with it. It seems impossible to do. I understand that jealousy in small doses is not harmful and in fact can add a little flavor to the relationship…but this is different than that. I put up with this type of drama in my dating years. But I'm married now and I should not have to deal with these kinds of things anymore. I hate that I'm competing for my own husband. I hate that he's allowing it. I REALLY hate that he defends her and I hate that I can't do anything about it. It's making me into an angry, bitter, untrusting person.

From an outside perspective, do you believe I should be concerned? Do you believe these situations lead to adultery? How can I stop this pattern? How can I just shrug it off like some women? I would love your insight.

Signed, Protecting What's Mine

Dear Protecting What's Mine,

I understand your anger toward the women you consider to be potential mate poachers; I would also resent someone I thought was making a serious play for my spouse. To me, though, the main issue does not depend on whether you are right or wrong about the intentions of those women. My concern is the way your husband has handled the situation.

His first interest should be in safeguarding and nurturing the relationship he has with you. He is not doing that. He knows the things that bother you, yet he continues to do them. This shows a blatant disregard for your feelings. He is not attaching the degree of importance that he should to looking after you and the relationship between the two of you.

Results matter. If the result of some behavior is damage to your marriage, then that should be enough for him to stop that behavior, or at least work with you to make sure you are not being hurt by that behavior. He is doing neither.

He has learned that you will put up with him crossing the line. If you need to own a piece of this problem, this is it -- by not wanting to appear jealous or petty, you have taught him that you will put up with it.

He can't control what other women do, but he can control his responses to those other women. His response to them should be: "This makes my wife uncomfortable so you have to stop doing this." The fact that he won't do so is a major danger signal in terms of how close the bond is between the two of you.

You should make this point with him and insist that he put your needs before those of one of his friends, regardless of whether the friend is male or female.

You are not being overly sensitive or jealous. He is being insensitive, uncaring and flirtatious because he likes this attention from other women -- another danger sign. Allowing another woman to drop by to watch a movie alone with him at 11 pm on a Friday night is WAYYYY over the line... and he knows it. Everybody knows that, which means he is getting a payoff from it, enough that he is willing to battle with you to retain it.

An ongoing email correspondence with another woman where he discusses personal matters about you and his marriage -- to me that is one form of emotional affair.

It is also a bad sign that he is willing to let someone else demean you and your marriage without defending you. A husband who holds his wife and marriage in high regard would never allow that or condone it with silence. I would shut anybody down in a heartbeat if they said something nasty about my wife, and that includes my parents, boss, children, co-workers ... you name it. I would simply never allow anyone to do it. You are right to be upset about this. Furious and hurt would be the appropriate response from you.

Yes I would consider all of these to be danger signs in terms of adultery. If I were you I would check out my post from November 10 entitled Catching a Cheating Spouse. I note that this article mentions monitoring of email and phone records as possible ways to find out if your spouse is being unfaithful.

Your path to freedom is not just to accept this behavior from your husband. Instead you should make the arguments I have made in this email and insist that he stop. If he persists in ignoring your complaints ... well, you have to decide how far you are willing to go to back up your request that he treat your with dignity and respect.

If you think he might already be cheating, you may wish to wait to confront him until you have read the article I mentioned and followed the advice given there.

These are strong words and I don't mean to add to your hurt and torment. As I see it, though, you will never be happy until the situation changes somehow. You can make it change. Stand up for yourself, say what you mean ... and mean what you say.

All the best,
Andrew

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Dismaying Story #138: Her Rage versus His Insecurity

Dear Andrew,

My husband has an odd mix of traits that make him wonderful on so many levels. He is brilliant, affable, funny, and down-to-earth. He is passionate, capable and with certain people, compassionate to a very high degree. He’s handsome and affectionate. He’s a good provider for our family and has no problem doing housework. In fact, he excels at both! So how could I dare speak against such perfection when so many women would KILL to have a guy even a hundredth this awesome? Because there are some deep-rooted psychological issues that I’ve attempted to help resolve, but I’ve been unsuccessful.

My husband grew up in a trailer-park to an alcoholic, abusive father and an accommodating doormat of a mother. His environment could be described as squalor, he said. At one point, his father was arrested for assault after threatening his mother with a gun. My husband was probably ten or so and his refusal to move from in front of his mother saved her life. His father and younger brother purportedly did nothing while he and his mother did all the cleaning, cooking, laundry, etc. Essentially, they enabled.

My husband graduated high school and married his high school sweetheart, with a daughter born not long after. His wife, sadly, had several challenges that stemmed from childhood trauma, such as debilitating OCD and crippling insecurity that led to risky sexual behavior like multiple affairs. Two additional children and worsening symptoms later and he was in front of a court-appointed counselor who recommended that he should leave his wife and take the children with him, or the courts would do it instead.

Then he met a woman with two even younger children who was about to become homeless. He re-married, but she was abusive, hateful and entitled. He went from having $30,000 in the bank to being $40,000 in the hole. She publicly humiliated him and privately emasculated him. He didn’t want to be a two-time loser so he stayed and became a miserable, functioning escapist via alcohol, porn, and mild drug use.

Eventually he left her and met me six months later. I spent the first six months of our relationship reminding him I’m not one of his exes. He would project based on their past behaviors. We eventually married but we’re struggling in a few areas.

I was raised in a home where the physical environment was the exact opposite of his. My parents were so controlling, so perfectionistic, that they threatened to burn all my clothes but one outfit if I didn’t keep them perfectly washed, folded and put away at all times. I wasn’t allowed to shut my door because that is a sign of people who are doing something wrong and they threatened to take it off the hinges if I did. I was told to be seen and not heard. Laughing and singing was considered obnoxious and I was quickly slapped or beaten for speaking out of turn. EVERYTHING I did was criticized, belittled or shamed. I left as quickly as I was able but carried many emotional scars. It took two failed marriages of my own and a lot of counseling to get to where I was able to have some semblance of inner peace. I learned how to keep things clean without being obsessed about it and that it’s okay to let go of the need to be perfect.

Enter my husband. A dish left unwashed causes him to obsess that things are going to revert back to his childhood days. The only time he can relax is if he is surrounded by the starkest, cleanest of environments. If he had his way, while we were taking our last bite of food, we would be walking to the sink to wash the dish so as not to leave any dish undone for any length of time. Clothes are the same way. Leaving a nightgown or PJs on the bed so I can rewear them the next night makes him stressed. Keeping a hairbrush or medication or a toothbrush on the bathroom counter is intolerable. And while some people would say, just tell him to clean it up himself, that means he is entering into other peoples’ spaces and cleaning up others peoples’ things, putting them where he wants them to go or pitching them if he feels like it. Which is invasive, controlling and extraordinarily inconsiderate.

He admits to obsessing over things but denies that it’s detrimental. He says, “It’s who I am and I can’t change what I feel. It’s hard-wired into me from my childhood.” He feels that as long as he is able to control his environment, he is able to have peace and we should all help him achieve that peace if we love him. While he doesn’t belittle or shame us, it’s obvious he’s distressed over every little thing. I have successfully convinced him to leave my side of the room alone, but in shared spaces, such as the bathroom, he refuses.

Because I grew up in a very aggressive, very violent household, I learned all about rage very early. I experienced passive-aggressive behavior on a daily basis. It took me years to learn successful coping skills to prevent going into a rage or acting passive-aggressively when something upsets me. My technique is to calmly state that while I want to resolve the situation, I am feeling very emotional and very stressed and feel it’s best to remove myself from it for a time. I reassure him that I will come back to resolve it when I am calmer and more able to think clearly. My husband takes this as outright rejection. In the past he has followed me wherever I went, demanding that I talk to him NOW and saying that my behavior is unbiblical and is equivalent to asking for a divorce. When I forced him to go to counseling to get an outside, third-party perspective, he saw the harm that his aggression was causing, but he still hasn’t been able to let go of the feeling of abandonment and rejection. In spite of every effort to reassure him (even while trying to stifle extreme anger), it doesn’t register with him that my coping skill has nothing to do with punishing him, but that I simply need to be where it’s calm and quiet so I can think and regroup.

So, there are my two issues. How do I deal with his need for perfection? And secondly, when we’re arguing and I need to be alone for a while, how do I deal with the constant texting about how alone he feels and how rejected he feels?

Again, it seems so ridiculous to be complaining at all when so much of him is the stuff of dreams! It’s just that these two problems are the source of 99% of our disagreements. Even if it seems we’re disagreeing about who left a dish out, what we’re really talking about is his perfectionism and inability to overcome it. Or, if we’re arguing about his invasion of space and my need for solitude, we’re really talking about his inability to step outside of his own needs and trust. Which is so strange because in most circumstances, he is extraordinarily empathetic. But when he’s emotional, he ceases to be rational. And while learning effective coping skills would work great for him, he doesn’t think he has a problem. He blames others for having a problem with him. It’s a vicious cycle. And it’s exhausting.

Signed,
Perplexed

Dear Perplexed,

You say the physical environment you had while growing up was the exact opposite of your husband’s, but I think you’ll agree that your childhood experiences include an unfortunate common element; you both had to deal with abusive situations. I hate that the two of you had to endure the abuse you’ve described, and I’m sorry to hear about your current problems.

Abused children are tremendously affected in myriad ways, many of which exhibit themselves as challenges during adulthood. One common pattern is for such children to struggle with adult relationships. Your letter mentions several of the ways in which this can happen, such as:

• Tolerating abuse or other negative behavior when it starts to occur with a partner, perhaps due to low self esteem or because you’re used to dealing with it;
• Interpreting your partner’s behavior in the context of the previous abuse you’ve received — constantly looking for negative ways to interpret their behavior, rarely giving them the benefit of the doubt; and
• Bringing various insecurities and sensitivities into a relationship.

This last category seems most highly related to the two primary challenges you mentioned — the struggle over standards of cleanliness and your differing approaches to conflict resolution.

First of all, you shouldn’t question the need to deal with such issues. A problem is still a problem, even if many other aspects of your relationship are wonderful.

The last paragraph of your letter makes the distinction between topics and issues. When you talk about whether or not he should touch your toothbrush, that’s a topic. His desire to move the toothbrush and your desire for him not to do so are just the visible symptoms. The true issues run much deeper. You’ve touched on some of the issues, such as the inner distress you both admit to feeling in certain situations. You both seem to be aware that these issues stem from your past experiences to some degree.

Your frustration is obvious in your letter. You’re searching for ways to exert some control, a path you can take that will lead to improvements. I can promise that discussing the symptoms (the topics) will not effectively deal with the underlying issues. You’ve already seen that. You can ask him to leave your mess alone until you’re blue in the face, but he’ll still feel the same anxiety inside.

Identifying an underlying issue is a necessary first step to resolving it, but it’s not a full solution. This sounds like something you’ve tried. You believe he’s obsessing and you’ve told him so. Unfortunately the types of issues you’re dealing with are long-standing and complex. Pointing them out is not enough to make them go away. That’s like coming across a highly claustrophobic person who is unfortunate enough to be trapped in an elevator. You can say to them, “Oh, I know what this is. It’s claustrophobia, so you can stop being anxious now.” That’s clearly not going to work, just like it hasn’t worked for you to point out what you see as his issues.

By the way, I understand his position when he says, “This is just how I am, I’ve always been this way, and I’ll never change.” He believes this to be the absolute truth. From his point of view, he has been like that for as long as he can remember. Nothing has ever happened to change his experience, so it’s an understandable assumption on his part that nothing could ever change it.

I said I understand his belief. I also disagree with it. Just as our internal and external behaviors are shaped by our experiences, we can re-shape and re-learn new behaviors. When past traumas are involved, however, the re-learning process almost certainly requires extensive work with trained professionals and comes with no guarantee of eventual success. The individual must be highly committed to the process, so often it’s easier to say, “It can’t be done. This is just who I am.”

Okay, now let’s move on to some good news. I do have one suggestion that I believe will help you feel less perplexed and a bit more in control of whether your interactions with your husband have positive outcomes.

Here’s a fundamental truth I’d like you to wrap your head around: You can’t control his behavior; you can only control your own.

At first that might sound like bad news. After all, your letter clearly states that you believe he’s the problem and you’d like to know how you can deal with it. I suggest you take a moment and re-read the last paragraph of your letter above. In describing each of your two issues, you use the phrase “his inability.” You describe your standards of cleanliness as within normal bounds, while his need for perfection is obsessive. Your approach for handling conflict is apparently a reasonable strategy you’ve developed in response to your past traumas, whereas his approach is an unreasonable “inability” that has arisen from his past traumas.

According to you, you’re right and he’s wrong. You’d like to keep doing exactly what you’re doing, and you’d like to know how to change his response.

You haven’t mentioned anything about changing the part you can control — your own behavior. And that’s where the good news comes in. Every relationship is a give and take. You act, he reacts, then you react to his reaction. In other words, both of you have just influenced the other. The key to success is to realize that the most effective way to influence the situation in a good direction is to behave in ways that promote positive outcomes.

A further insight is related to this “I’m right, he’s wrong” business. There’s a spectrum of possible behavior for each of the two issues you mentioned. Let’s start with your standards of cleanliness. Your husband seems to be toward the “ultimate clean freak” end of the spectrum, while you’re able to exist quite comfortably in the midst of a bit more clutter. Statistically speaking, I suspect a larger number of people would tend to be similar to you rather than him in this respect, but that doesn’t make you right and him wrong. It just means the two of you are different. Your approach feels right and comfortable to you, as does his to him.

I’m willing to bet there are untold numbers of men to whom you could be married where this situation would be reversed. In other words, many men would consider your standards of cleanliness WAY too stringent when compared with their own preferences. Imagine being married to the guy who considers it a waste of energy to make the bed more often than Christmas and Easter. He leaves his tightie wighties on the floor in front of the shower every morning, and no amount of reminding or downright nagging is enough to get him to drop them in the laundry hamper instead. You have the daily pleasure of either picking them up yourself or looking at them every time you walk into the bathroom. If you want to talk about statistical probabilities, this is the situation I hear about more often than yours.

In both types of situations, the problem isn’t that one partner is right and the other is wrong. The issue is that each of you feels comfortable within a certain range of cleanliness along the spectrum, and your ranges don’t overlap. You haven’t been able to come up with a common compromise where you can both be comfortable and happy.

The same is true with your respective approaches to conflict resolution. You’re more comfortable being apart immediately after the onset of conflict (so you can deal with your rage), whereas he’s more comfortable being together at that time (so he doesn’t feel rejected). Both of you have your own needs. Both of you feel justified in those needs.

Both of you have the opportunity to change your own approach.

Neither of you is inclined to do so.

Stalemate.

The underlying assumption embodied in your letter is that your approach should stay the same and he should change. What if you opened up the possibility that you could both change? If you think about that, I bet you’ll agree that this doubles the possibility of finding a common comfort zone along those spectrums I described above. If both people can move toward middle ground (rather than only one of you) then successful compromise is more likely.

As an example, let’s talk about your rage reaction. I get the sense you’ve accepted that this will always be a part of your life. Your coping strategy isn’t about avoiding rage. Instead, the rage comes over you and you find a way to ride it out in isolation.

What if you could learn a different reaction to conflict, one that doesn’t involve rage? Pick a situation where you became enraged and had to withdraw so you could regain control of your emotions. Many, many people could be presented with exactly the same stimuli and have no anger reaction. “That’s true,” you might say, “but they don’t have my background. Unfortunately the rage is part of who I am and I can’t change what I feel. It’s hard-wired into me due to the very aggressive, very violent household in which I grew up.”

Hmmm. That sounds a lot like the argument your husband offers for why he can’t change. I’ll offer you the same rebuttal; it is possible for you to re-learn how to react to conflict, although admittedly that would require commitment to change and plenty of hard work with the support of a professional. Imagine if you could remove or lessen your rage reactions. I’m betting you would enjoy life more, and the two of you would have one less issue standing in the way of compromise.

I suspect the two of you share more similarities than you might be willing to admit. You’ve both suffered tremendous emotional trauma. You’ve both endured the pain of multiple failed relationships. You both have complex, deep-rooted issues that affect your current ability to compromise with your partner.

And you both have many wonderful qualities that make it WELL worth whatever effort it takes to find those compromises.

I’m not trying to downplay the difficulties of dealing with issues stemming from childhood abuse, but I do believe you can increase your chances of shared happiness if you (a) gain a bit more understanding and empathy for his point of view (rather than simply considering him to be wrong), and (b) open up the possibility of two-way compromise, rather than expecting all the concessions to come from him.

I’m so glad you chose to write to me. You clearly care a great deal about your husband and your marriage. He’s lucky to have such a caring spouse, and I suspect that one fact will go a long way toward helping the two of you be happy together. I wish you both the best of luck!

All the best,
Andrew

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Dismaying Story #111: Missing the Game of Life

Dear Andrew,

I’m supposed to be at the perfect point in my life. I have a wonderful nice home in a nice neighborhood. My husband and I both have new cars. Finances are stable. I have a teenager from a previous marriage, and my husband and I have a toddler. Sure there are the normal ups and downs of real life, and I can keep that all in perspective. But there’s something that’s really bothering me, and I’m not sure what to do.

My husband, who is very sweet, and smart, and funny, is spending all his time with “his mistress” ...the computer, and his buddies who are doing the same thing. He is completely wrapped up in an online game. He works his eight-hour day, then comes home and gets straight on the computer. He takes breaks for dinner and/or to go out to dinner, and will occasionally (rarely) take an evening off, but sometimes, he’ll just fix a plate and take it back into the office. This has been going on for years.

I try so hard to be understanding and supportive. I understand the game and its dynamics. I understand why he enjoys it so, and the interaction he gets with his friends. I remind myself that at least he’s not out doing drugs or gambling, or worse. But I miss our intimacy. We only manage to have “marital relations” a couple of times a month. He stays up late playing his game, and I go to sleep after I get the kids to bed.

My teen resents his playing because she gets stuck will all the chores, and “he never does anything.” My toddler, whenever he doesn’t know where daddy is, automatically runs to the office to see if he’s there. My husband is uncomfortable taking care of the toddler because he’s deferred the caretaking almost completely to me since he was born. He loves his son, but just doesn’t spend much time with him and doesn’t know how to take care of him. He’s getting better, and is making a conscious effort to spend more time with him. But if anything ever happened to me, I don’t know how well they’d fare.

And me...I feel like the housekeeper/nanny most of the time. We do communicate. We talk about it. Though dropping hints and being subtle doesn’t work with him (sometimes it almost takes a brick-to-the-head for him to get the point). He knows what he’s doing. I quite often joke (but not really joking) about being a computer widow. If/when I have an emotional breakdown, he will take a little time off, to smooth my ruffled feathers, but then he’s right back to it. But, I won’t / can’t / don’t want to ask him to give up a hobby that he enjoys so much.

So, do I continue on, status quo, with my husband playing a bit-part in the production that is our family? Do I try to find fulfillment for myself by finding my own hobby that includes my kids? Do I take what I can get from him and try to be happy?

Signed, Lonely in a Full House

Dear Lonely,

Regarding the questions in your last paragraph: no, no, and most emphatically no.

Your husband wants to have a wife and kids who take care of themselves, and then are there for him when he wants to take a few minutes to participate. Basically he is still living the single life. This is extremely selfish, irresponsible and dysfunctional to a large degree.

You have had a role in creating and propagating this problem too. You have enabled this imbalance by acting as if it’s okay, by doing the chores and the childcare and making it possible for him to act like this. You drop hints and make jokes, and based on that mild reaction he assumes what he is doing is okay.

It is not okay. It is a long, long way from okay. He is ignoring his duties as a husband and father. He is being selfish and irresponsible. Games and other hobbies have a place in life, but that is to enrich our spare time with entertaining diversions. A responsible adult takes care of life’s necessities first and THEN plays. Heck, we even teach our kids to do their homework before they can play. Your husband still hasn’t learned that basic life lesson.

To put it bluntly, you need to grow a backbone and insist he finds a better balance in his life. He needs to grow up and realize that his wife and children should rank WAY higher in importance than any game, any friend, any diversion. He has life completely backwards, and you are letting him get away with it.

And here’s the thing. You already knew all of this.

My guess is you have a long history of avoiding conflict. You’d rather suffer in silence than ruffle feathers. You need to stop doing that in this instance. The price is too high, and it’s not just you paying the price. If things continue on as they are, your marriage will be little more than a hollow shell. It may not survive - relationships need effort and time and attention. Your children will have no relationship at all with their absentee father. That means you bear the cost; your kids and your husband will as well ... he just doesn’t realize it at this point.

The solution: Be honest. Tell him you need more. Tell him the kids need more. Tell him he is being irresponsible, that his life balance is way off, that he needs to grow up and treat you and the kids as important, and the game as merely a nice diversion if and when he has time to fit it in.

He doesn’t have to give up the game. Most people find time for extracurricular activities. He just needs to find a better balance. The two of you need to work out a schedule when he can take some time for the game, but he needs to put the family first.

Sure he’ll pout and complain and say it’s not fair and you don’t understand and you’re being unreasonable and on and on...

So what? That’s just the price you need to pay to go from a dysfunctional situation to a functioning family that includes a participative father. You need to stick to your guns, knowing you are right.

He’ll say that’s not enough time for the game. Baloney. He takes time off to go to work, so he can take time off for his family obligations as well.

Hopefully once he becomes more involved he’ll realize what he’s been missing and be glad of the change. But that will take time. Be strong in the meantime because your family needs a champion right now, and that’s got to be you.

My guess is you’ll think, “Oh my gosh that’ll be SO hard to do!” Yes it will, but it’s necessary and it’ll be worth it. Good luck!

All the best,
Andrew

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Dismaying Story #110: In Sickness and in Health

Dear Andrew,

I am 37 and my husband is 51. We have been married for nine years. We were together for about five years before we were married. We have a two-year-old son. We have not had sex since July of 2005. We haven’t had a great sex life since we were first dating and that was only for a few months. The problem is that he has very little sex drive. About three months after we started having sex, he had a brain aneurysm surgically repaired. Before the surgery he was all over me sexually, but afterwards he was never the same. Now I have to beg him for sex. He almost always puts me off with some excuse.

I cannot count the number of times that I have been answered with:
It’s Friday, we have the whole weekend.
You know I don’t like to do it during the week.
I like it in the morning.
I’m too tired, how about tomorrow (after promising it today earlier in the day)
I thought about approaching you earlier, but then didn’t do it.
I didn’t know it had been that long (a month or more!)
I came onto you the other day and you ignored me (he never made it clear, he would hug me or something and not actually say anything, and I was so used to trying not to react that I didn’t realize he was coming onto me, if he even was)

He can get an erection. I can help with that and I’m glad to do it.

I have asked over and over if there is anything I could do to make things easier for him. I have tried to express to him many times how unhappy with our marriage I am, and how I feel like I have tried everything I could to make things work. He has talked to a couple of doctors over the years and all they do is test his testosterone and prescribe Viagra. He likes using the Viagra because it makes him more confident. However when we have Viagra available, it’s still always me pushing for sex. It sits in the cabinet like it’s not there. Talk about frustration!

We haven’t had sex in so long because I stopped asking. I’m tired of feeling humiliated and ignored. I’ve thought long and hard about divorcing him over this issue. I used to really love him, but now I’m not sure that I am truly in love with him anymore. I feel like he broke my heart over and over all these years and nothing will change him. I have cried over and over about my feelings and tried to be very clear that I’m truly hurt. He says that he doesn’t know what to do, he doesn’t know what’s wrong and he doesn’t know how to fix it. This is always his answer. I don’t know how to love someone and not have sex with them.

I don’t know that I could have sex with him again. I have never had a problem having an orgasm and thought I was “ easy.” But as soon as we had sex, I’d wonder when the next time would be. I don’t understand why he couldn’t try to satisfy me sexually without having intercourse. I don’t understand how he could listen to me cry and not do better. Somehow in 2004 I managed to get pregnant. We had tried years before without success, and thought we weren’t able to get pregnant. So we have sex three times in a four month period and bam I’m pregnant. He’s so in love with his son, and I would feel like the biggest jerk if I took him away from him.

I don’t know that I’m strong enough not to cheat if I had the chance. I will be honest and say I have cheated before. Although it was sexually satisfying, it wasn’t good because I didn’t have a relationship with them. I haven’t had sex with anyone in about 10 months. I have actually wished that I didn’t have a sex drive. I think I’d be pretty happy without it at this point. It’s hard to focus on the rest of my marriage without thinking about the sexual part.

He is not interested in counseling. Any suggestions I have of him taking herbal supplements or doing anything that I’ve read about get shot down pretty quickly. He tells me how humiliating it is to talk to a doctor about it. Try it from my point of view pal. He says he loves me and lives to make me happy but is not interested in going out of his way to have sex with me.

I do not nag him, and I really don’t make negative comments about his manhood, or be bitchy about sex. It is really hard to not be bitchy about other things.

The way I think is that if he isn’t going to give me sex, than he would maybe want to step it up around the house chore wise. He’s quite lazy. I could live with that, I’m lazy sometimes too, but I’m tired of doing everything around the house.

We tried counseling in 2001. We only had about four sessions before we moved to another town on short notice. We hadn’t really gotten into treatment. He didn’t like the exercises the counselor suggested, and he doesn’t feel like anyone would be able to tell us anything that would help. I just believe that he will not change, will not make an effort to change, and cannot figure out a way to compromise and see the bright side of things. They usually look pretty bleak to me.

I have thought about counseling for myself, but even the type based on one’s income is too expensive for me. I don’t want to be divorced. I don’t want us fighting over my son. I don’t want us fighting in front of my son. I am afraid that I cannot teach my son to believe in true love when I don’t believe in it myself. If I had the money I would probably have left him last year, or even before that, especially if I didn’t have my son. I really feel it was a mistake to marry him knowing he had this issue. It just got worse over the last few years. I always thought that I could tough it out, but now I am not so sure. It’s awful to be with someone I always thought of as my best friend and feel like he doesn’t even care enough about me to make the effort to change.

Signed, Starved for Love

Dear Starved for Love,

I’m sorry to hear you are having such a hard time. There is a great deal going on in your situation, much more than just the sex issue.

Before the surgery he was all over you, but since then he barely has a sex drive. Bam, just like flipping a switch when the surgery happened. It seems clear the change is a side effect of the surgery.

A difficulty for you is that he CAN still have sex, claims to want to please you, but he doesn’t follow through. I imagine it might be easier to bear if he had a medical condition that clearly prevented any possibility of sex, then there wouldn’t be all this anguish over whether it will happen.

It’s unclear how much of the rest of it could also be due to the surgery -- general lack of ambition and energy, poor memory, etc. He could also suffer from some degree of depression, which can have similar symptoms. Careful now -- I said “he could” and that’s a long way from “he does.”

If you acknowledge that part of this, maybe even a large part, is medical, then you have to take a look in the mirror and ask yourself what degree of dysfunction you are willing to endure in order to sustain the marriage. I can’t advise you on that -- it is such a personal choice. You made a vow to stay with him in sickness and in health, but it’s unclear how much of the dysfunction in your relationship can be chalked up to sickness.

The excuses you mentioned (“Not during the week”) are just that, excuses, not real reasons. The real reason is that he just doesn’t feel like having sex, and like I said that seems to be linked to the surgery. But it is harder for him to admit, “I just don’t want to,” so he makes other excuses.

Usually in a situation like this I would say something like this: Even if he isn’t interested in the things you need, he married you and he has a responsibility to look out for you. He should step up and be a giving husband, even if he does so only as a gift to you.

In this case, though, I can’t get past the medical angle. I have no way of knowing how much of a factor that is. He doesn’t seem motivated to please you. He says he is but his actions say otherwise, and the actions clearly speak loudest. If he truly had your interests at heart, he would make the effort.

But he doesn’t. Is it depression? Is it medical? Is it merely someone who is feeling sorry for themselves and is stuck in such a rut that he can’t bring himself to look out for his own needs, let alone yours? I have no possible way of knowing.

Recently I posted an article called Love Is a Verb where I argued that love and good intentions held in your heart have no direct effect your spouse. It only matters if you take action; if you actually do things to make your spouse’s life better. Your husband is not doing this for you and it sounds like there is a good chance that won’t change. Again I don’t know that for certain, but the picture you paint is bleak when it comes to his willingness to seek help and solutions.

I understand it would be crazy hard to leave. I have children too and I can’t imagine forcing them to be with only one parent most of the time. But here is another thing to consider. What will your son learn growing up in the current environment? That he can expect wives to be dreadfully unhappy? That it is okay for the husband to sit around, ignore his wife’s needs, etc.? What kind of a role model will your marriage provide for him, assuming things stay much as they are now? Studies show boys tend to grow up and emulate their father’s behavior.

And what if you happen to have another child? What would that do to your world?

I suspect you may eventually be forced to make some tough decisions. Will you accept what you have and make the best of it? That’s one option. The other option is to leave. Neither option is ideal and only you can make that choice.

I will offer one piece of advice, though. If you truly want to look elsewhere for sex and companionship, end this relationship before you do so. (Or commit fully to your marriage and leave the other men alone.) You will feel so much better about yourself if you do it in the right order. If some guy will cheat with you, ask yourself this -- how likely is he to cheat ON you later, once you have left your husband to be with him? Do yourself a favor and deal with this relationship all by itself for now.

My thoughts are with you as you search for the best way forward for everyone concerned.

All the best,
Andrew

Have you read a good novel lately? Or maybe you are writing a book and would like to tell us about it. If so, now is a great time to check out the Question of the Week about relationships in fiction.

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Dismaying Story #103: My Husband Looks At Pornography

Dear Andrew,

My husband and I have a 16 month old son and have been married for a little over a year. We have a lovely home and my husband works hard and he is a wonderful father to our son. He is also very caring and would do anything at all for me. He never yells or argues with me. I love him very much and I am very lucky to have him.

When I was pregnant I did not get very much attention from my husband. He didn't want to have sex with me, saying he didn't want to hurt the baby, even though I told him this wasn't possible he still did not want to. I felt very alone and rejected. One night while I was resting on the bed I had to go to the bathroom. I walked past the computer room caught him masturbating to porn. I was very shocked and felt even more rejected. I later found out that he had been doing that a lot while I wasn't around.

Why would he prefer to do that than have sex with me? He told me that it was normal and that all men do it, he said he was doing it when I met him all those years ago on the Internet, and I knew that because I had seen him do it for me, although I didn't realize that he was still doing it to this day. I feel very upset about it and I don't know why. Whenever I leave the house to go somewhere all I can think about is what my husband will be up to, it drives me nuts. If I ask him if he has been masturbating he always says NO. He downloads porno movies all the time and he says he never watches them, but why would he download them if you never planned on watching them?

Do I have insecurity problems? How can I deal with this better? Do all men really do this when their wives are out of the house or downstairs watching TV? Is it normal? Is it healthy for him? Why do I feel like he is cheating on me although he clearly isn't? I wish that I could go back to that night when I walked in on him, if I never seen him doing it then I still wouldn't know what was going on and I think I would prefer it that way. My husband says he only ever did it while watching movies and not ever chatting with anyone on the internet or paying for one of those private shows, but I find it hard to believe him sometimes.

Signed, Feeling Rejected

Dear Feeling Rejected,

I'm always uncomfortable when discussions start turning toward what "everyone else" does. It's kind of like the teenage girl rolling her eyes when the mother complains that the skirt is too short. "Mom, everybody is wearing them!" To which most mothers reply, "I don't care about every other girl; I don't want you wearing that."

Same deal here. Would your feelings change if you found a statistical survey that showed a high percentage of men were regular viewers of porn? I doubt that very much. We could debate the morality of whether what he is doing is right or wrong, but again, that wouldn't solve your issue. I'm a results-oriented kind of guy, and your husband needs to understand that the results here are not up for debate. His behavior is causing you to be unhappy, which means the two of you have a problem. That problem isn't going away regardless of any morality debate or what happens in other people's homes.

As I wrote in this earlier article: It doesn't take much head scratching to understand how porn can be immensely threatening for many women. You want to feel like you are the most special person on the planet to your husband. Your relationship is supposed to be monogamous, which means his desire for intimacy should be satisfied by coming to you, not by turning to other women. When he is getting his jollies by looking at others, the implication is that you are not enough for him, that these other women are superior or more fulfilling. Worse than that, even pictures of other women are somehow preferable, when you are right there in the flesh.

This issue arose in your household at a time when you were already feeling less than desirable to your husband. The weight gain of pregnancy runs counter to society's "slim is beautiful" message, which naturally makes many expectant women feel vulnerable in that regard. Your husband compounded this by shying away from intimacy. I don't know his reasons for doing so, but the effect is clear; you felt unwanted and undesirable in his eyes.

That is a big part of the reason why you have reacted so strongly to the revelation that your husband masturbates. You said in your letter that you didn't find it threatening earlier in your relationship, especially when it was part of a shared activity. At the time you felt secure, wanted, loved, and included. The circumstances are now much different. The two of you now have extra history between you, which includes him rejecting physical intimacy while you were pregnant. Now you feel insecure, unwanted, and pushed aside.

Your husband needs to wrap his head around the realities of your new situation. He believes what he is doing is normal and harmless, and at an earlier phase of your relationship that might have been correct. Now, though, the results are much different and he must react to that. He has not shown sensitivity to your feelings and now he must compensate to make up for that.

He should do everything in his power to make you know you are the pinnacle of desire to him. He should go out of his way to not even glance at another woman for a while, regardless of whether she is walking by on the street or posing on a computer screen. He should sit you down and look into your eyes and assure you that he loves you, that you mean everything to him, that he is sorry for making you feel so terrible, and that he will make it up to you no matter how long it takes. He should cease and desist entirely with all forms of porn (and yes, of course he wouldn't be downloading the stuff unless he was also watching it) because doing otherwise will surely hurt you. His insensitivity has left him with no other option if he wants to make things right again. More than that, he should do this in as visible and transparent a manner as possible -- rid the computer of all such material and show you he is doing so. This is part of demonstrating how much you mean to him.

He should be patient and understanding of your hurt feelings, especially if and when the two of you are snuggling or making love. He should understand it may take a while to rebuild trust, and he should not complain about or criticize any lack of desire on your part in the meantime.

In my opinion, that's what it will take to get you past your understandable feelings of insecurity. In order for that to happen, though, your husband's eyes need to be opened about the effects of his actions. Maybe you should print out this article and ask him to read it. You say he is a caring person who will do anything for you. Hopefully that is true and having his eyes opened in this way will be enough to prompt him to step up and provide the support you need.

All the best,
Andrew

The responses so far to the Question of the Week provide wonderful affirmations of the power and necessity of commitment in relationships. Thanks to everyone who has contributed. I am also interested in examples of the flip side, where a lack of commitment has caused issues. Any thoughts around why commitment might have been lacking would also be helpful. I would appreciate any such insights you have to offer.

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Dismaying Story #60: As If the Loss Is Not Enough

Dear Andrew,

My mother-in-law and I don't get along well at all, especially now. I married my husband just over one year ago. We moved away and had a beautiful baby girl seven weeks ago. Our life seemed to be going well. Of course there are ups and downs but who doesn't have those.

Here is part of the problem. My mother in law didn't really seem to approve of her only child marrying me. My husband has had mental issues in the past and has become a fairly heavy drinker since high school. We would fight about it almost all the time, as I didn't want my child to have an alcoholic father. His mother thought I was just being a nag.

Now, when our child was only 3 weeks old, my husband and I had a fight. He took off drinking and driving (something he never ever did) and ended up totaling our vehicle, and hurting himself quite badly. He just woke up from a vegetative state in the last week. His mother blames me. She thinks I was on his case again for drinking. And, in this situation, is it any wonder why I always tried to get him to cut down? She still won't speak to me, and now as I am going for trusteeship and guardianship of my husband (so i can take care of our bills and our child) I worry that she will contest it in court and make it more difficult for me to take care of her only grandchild. I don't think she has even considered the fact that I loved my husband and now am raising his child on my own.

How do I deal with her? Why does she blame me for this when I even called the cops on him that night to try and stop him from getting hurt?

Signed, Hurting Over My Husband

Dear Hurting,

I'm very sorry to hear about your husband, and also about your troubles with his mother. It is challenging enough to be a new parent without all these other issues on top of it.

You and your mother-in-law are both grieving what happened to your husband / her son. The senselessness and bad luck involved are incredibly difficult to deal with, as are the consequences -- the impacts on you, your mother-in-law and your child.

Even strong relationships can break down under such stress. For instance, marriages sometimes do not survive when parents must try to cope with the death of a young child. Your relationship with your mother-in-law was not strong to begin with, so it is not surprising the two of you would struggle when under this additional pressure.

Grief often goes through several stages and one of them is anger. Your mother-in-law's ability to deal with everything, including you, is probably at an all time low, and she may be likely to think things and say things that she wouldn't if circumstances were different. With all you are going through, your ability to cope is undoubtedly diminished as well.

She doesn't want to blame her son. She must realize at some level that it was his decision to drink and drive. That is difficult emotional terrain for her right now, though. She is grieving what happened to her son and doesn't want to criticize him. It is easier for her if her son is blameless, so her mind casts around for someone else to take the blame. The next obvious choice would be you. It's not fair to you, but it might be one coping strategy that helps to mitigate her grief.

This has to be incredibly hard on you, to deal with this broken relationship on top of everything else. Unfortunately I know of no way for you to hurry your mother-in-law through her grief process. I suggest you wait it out; her grief will eventually evolve. She will move through other stages beyond anger, hopefully to coping and eventually acceptance. This will not necessarily change things between the two of you, but at least then you may have a fighting chance of mending fences. Yours would not be the first relationship to benefit from the passage of time.

That leaves you with the issue of how to deal with her in the meantime. You mentioned she is not speaking to you. In the short-term, a little distance between the two of you might not be a bad thing, knowing you will likely have an easier time bridging the gap in the future. (And this is something you should try to do so your daughter can enjoy her grandmother.) If she contests you in court, then you'll need a lawyer's advice.

I wish you the best of luck as you try to deal with every aspect of your difficult situation.

All the best,
Andrew

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Dismaying Story #58: Good Fences Make Good Ex's

Dear Andrew,

I have been married to the same person since 1973 and I have put up with a lot of weirdness from this person. My children and I suffered for it and I will never trust him again. I still spot lies and he still blames me for anything that goes wrong. He gets angry over little things, such as following our daughter to a doctor's appointment and she doesn't stay in the same lane ahead of him! I've been to counseling many times, though he would not go. It always ended with, "We've worked through everything with you individually but you have a definite problem with the marriage." He would rather I walk out on him than change, so I left.

Two years ago I moved away from my Florida home to take a good job across the country. Although he was extremely distant emotionally, now he calls me almost every night. He speaks about the kids, grandkids and people I mostly don't know from work or church. Never about us. If I ask a personal question he freezes up and there is a long space of silence and then he will make an excuse to hang up. I enjoy hearing news of the grandkids even though I speak with them often too. I am puzzled as to why he calls me all the time, as when I go "home" to visit, he spends very little time with me. No use to ask why he calls; that would be one of the "forbidden" questions. He says he loves me (rarely) but my idea of love is an intimate relationship and sharing of life together.

Before I left I was miserable and began not liking myself. I was becoming bitter. We never did anything together. When I would ask him to go to lunch he would begrudgingly do it but make me miserable so I stopped asking him to do anything with me. He only rarely ever asked me to do anything with him. If I went it was like a date with a stranger. I hate to go anywhere in a vehicle with him, it's like I'm trapped. One time I asked him to talk to me about finances and he said he was going to church. I said "If you walk out of that door and do not address this, you will have crossed a line in this relationship, closed a door that will never open again." And he left. So I pulled back, contributed toward the household with my income and began to live my own life with him only physically present.

Now I'm miserable being away from my home, my kids, grandkids, college opportunities, just the way of life in the South! I love it there and I hate it here, except I need the good money. If I go back "home" we will need to lead separate lives, financially, emotionally, and in every way. I think I can convert our study to a room for myself. One older daughter with her handicapped son live with us and it would be a hardship for her to lose this economical living space.

I guess I just want a reality check regarding my relationship or lack of it with my spouse, and my plans to return "home" in a couple more years when I can retire.

Signed, Indecisive

Dear Indecisive,

Your relationship with your husband was over long ago but neither of you has fully admitted it. Here is a big clue -- you moved across the country.

And he can't stand it. He doesn't like the fact that you decided whether the two of you would be together, hence his frequent calls. This is the only way he can retain control over whether or not the two of you are in contact. If the two of you don't talk, this is due to your decision to be apart and that won't do. But if you try to steer the conversation anywhere he doesn't want to go ... well he controls that too, doesn't he? Then when you go home he can choose whether to see you or not, so he exercises that choice. Again, he is in control of what happens between you.

You have pulled back from your husband but not all the way. Your letter makes it clear there will never be a loving bond between the two of you, yet you permit him to call all the time, the two of you talk about love, you have not divorced and you are considering moving back in with him. Regardless of your intentions, you are sending out clear signals to him that your marriage still has a chance.

Either you still have hope for your relationship (which I don't believe to be true) or you find it difficult to stand up to your controlling husband and finish what you started. I'd bet big money on the latter.

You need to define appropriate boundaries between the two of you. Start by having a good talk with yourself and admitting that you really do want to be apart from him. Look in the mirror and say the words right out loud.

Then tell him the same thing. Ask for a divorce. Tell him he can't call every day, and back it up by refusing to talk if he calls too frequently. It's great if you can still be friendly, but you need to take back some control and dignity. The bit about receiving news about the grandkids is really an excuse -- you can get that information from other sources. These steps are necessary to permit you to begin healing inside, to move forward to a new emotional place in your life that doesn't include being his wife. You have started that journey but stopped with everything in limbo. You no longer know who you are or where you fit.

Moving back to Florida can work for you. The timing may be dictated by economics, but the most important consideration is to make sure your new relationship with him is well defined with appropriate boundaries. Please, please forget this idea of moving back into the same house. Given the two personalities involved, there is no way you could be in the same physical space every day and have any sort of effective emotional fences. You can afford your own place now, so you can find a way to do the same back in Florida. Even after splitting your assets, you or your ex should be able to work out a way to co-habitate with your daughter and her son. The existing house is not your only option for helping them.

Hopefully taking these steps will help you cast aside the indecisiveness and move forward with renewed confidence.

All the best,
Andrew

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Dismaying Story #50: Standards of Tidiness

Dear Andrew,

I'm a purger of things. I dislike clutter in all its forms and absolutely can't stand having knick-knacks and odds and ends littering my house. My husband on the other hand is a hoarder. He is constantly holding on to things "just in case" or for future use. This drives me batty. I have often told him that I don't mind if he keeps things so long as he doesn't come asking ME where they are at a later date. If he were willing to keep his stuff organized and neat I wouldn't complain but the mess of his "areas" (i.e. basement, garage, his desk) makes me want to pull my hair out in frustration. Any tips on how to get him to straighten it up?

Signed, Anti-Clutter Bug

Dear Anti-Clutter,

This is a common problem in many homes. The two of you have different standards for what you consider to be neat and tidy. You mention the mess in "his" areas, so I assume much of the house is kept to a higher standard of tidiness, one with which you are more satisfied. Yours is a typical scenario -- the person with the higher expectations makes sure most of the house is livable and the other spouse has their own domain where their rules hold sway. You don't consider this to be a complete solution, though.

Your view seems correct to you; cleaner is inherently better and messy drives you batty. The cost (i.e. your effort) involved with keeping things neat is well worth it to you. Likewise you'd rather replace an item once in a blue moon (another slight cost of your approach) rather than keep things "just in case."

You should realize, though, that his approach also has costs and benefits. He doesn't have to worry as much about whether he is throwing something out that he will need later. He gets his areas to the point where they are "clean enough" for him, and the extra effort involved in organizing further doesn't seem worthwhile. Balancing that off are the costs of knowing this bothers you, having to hunt for things and living with more clutter.

These two approaches both involve tradeoffs. You both balance the cost of the effort against the satisfaction you gain from a certain level of tidiness. The difference is where that balance point is for the two of you.

This is not that much different from other potential conflicts within a marriage. You want a soft bed, he prefers a concrete slab. You'd like to spend as you go, he'd rather save for a rainy day. Neither person is right or wrong; you simply have different preferences.

The keys to resolving such conflicts are communication, recognition and compromise. You have already made it clear to him what you want, so it sounds like you have a good start on the communication. Do you recognize, though, that his approach also has merits? I can almost hear you gritting your teeth while you read that, and I understand, I truly do, because I am like you; I clean by filling garbage bags. Still, if we are to be fair, we must recognize that not everyone will share our preferences. From the flip side, does he recognize how much of an irritant this issue is to you?

It sounds to me that the two of you have already worked out a compromise. Much of the house is your way and a few areas are his. You would prefer the compromise to be "everything should be my way." But is that really a middle ground?

You should realize that the "messes" in his area are not messes to him. This is his optimal level of cleanliness when balanced against the effort to go further. You do the same thing, just at a different level. When you stop cleaning, couldn't you go further, sanitize more deeply? While it is understandable that his "messes" irritate you, you are asking him to put up with the irritation of extra effort that seems excessive to him.

On the other hand, there is nothing wrong with asking your partner to help out around the house, to fix a problem for you. The key is to find a balance that works as well as possible for the two of you.

I have no way of knowing if you already have a good balance or if he should pitch in more. My point is you should consider other compromises besides simply getting him to adopt your standards fully. Can the two of you agree to work together and do a periodic purge of his areas? Could he limit his messes primarily to areas where he can close a door so you don't have to see them? If the basement is a large area in your home, could he agree to improve that one trouble spot somewhat?

Finally, the "how to" issue you asked about. You should have a calm discussion where you both lay all your issues on the table and then jointly decide on a solution. I suspect you could help him to feel cooperative by acknowledging that his position has merit, then follow that up by explaining why it still bothers you. Talk about how important this issue is to each of you, as that may influence where you end up. Discuss the relative merits of a number of options. When two people care about each other, this approach almost always results in a compromise that works.

All the best,
Andrew

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