Dismaying Story #149: Insecurity over Past Partners

Dear Andrew,

Traditionally my family goes to a resort every summer. I've been going there for 13 years and I had a tryst with a staff member there when I was about 17 or 18. Totally sexual, never saw or talked to this guy ever again. He doesn't work there anymore.

My husband and I are newlyweds. Recently we went to this resort to meet some of my family. Right before we got there the two of us stopped to eat at a restaurant. While we were there, my husband asked me right out of nowhere, "So, have you ever had a fling at this resort?!" My head went down and I tried to hide my face. I was ashamed and embarrassed. I hadn't told my husband about it because, had I told him about this in advance he probably would not have wanted to go.

Of course I told him the truth though. Then he got mad because I was "sneaky" in not telling him. He also said in so many words, I wonder how many sexual partners you've really had?! As if I lied when we talked about it before.

He then got up to go to the restroom. While he was gone I began having a panic attack, (as I have a history of anxiety.) When he got back, I went into full-fledged panic, couldn't breathe, began crying and shaking. This all happened right in the middle of the restaurant and I couldn't control it. He told me to wait in the car and he got our food to go.

Why oh why did he even feel the need to ask that stupid question!? Any type of question about my sexual escapades in the past is totally uncalled for. I don't understand why an intelligent man like my husband would ask any kind of question about this.

Signed, Anxious Newlywed

Dear Anxious,

Let's play "What if?" for a moment. What if your husband asked you that question but the two of you had a completely different reaction? Instead of shame, suppose the question amused you and, when you answered truthfully, you and hubby had a quiet and comfortable chuckle about it before dismissing it and moving on to other topics of dinner conversation. In my view, the problem is not about asking the question but rather how the two of you reacted to it.

Newlyweds go through many types of transitions as you begin to adjust to married life. One such transition is the loss of what I'll call the dating mentality, replacing it with the comfort of a lifelong partnership. Like many other changes in life, this one takes time. It is clear to me that the two of you are still in the midst of this journey.

To me, the dating mentality is the feeling of the chase. Since single people are relatively free to switch partners, there is often a perceived (and sometimes very real) danger that you might lose your boyfriend or girlfriend to a different partner. You are constantly in a competition. Any hint that your partner might have an interest in another can be threatening. Sexual involvement with a former boyfriend can be construed as one indication that you were very strongly attracted to that person, even if only for a short period of time. For a young man who has yet to shed the dating mentality, learning about such strong attractions can make him feel insecure. It sounds like this might be the case with your husband.

More than that, society teaches a young man to have conflicting expectations of the young women in his life. When dating, Mother Nature supplies the hormones that turn teenage boys into hunters. Hungry to gain sexual experience, guys will often put considerable pressure on their dates to go as far as possible. When it comes to getting married though, we want to feel secure, unchallenged. The Hollywood image of the perfect bride is one of virginal innocence. She dated but "saved herself for marriage." Like it or not, your husband has been taught that you are not supposed to be like all those other girlfriends he had. You are supposed to be special, above the rest. Is it any wonder he feels stress when he learns you are (gasp!) ... NORMAL?!

Girls also face a host of conflicting pressures. Premarital sex brings with it the risk of pregnancy and sexually transmitted disease. Mothers preach about the importance of protecting yourself. Girls who are known to "give it up" easily may be labeled in undesirable ways. These factors combine to associate with sex a powerful negative stigma in many young girls' minds. Mother Nature, however, would be perfectly happy if all girls started having babies as soon as they are able. In fact, Mother Nature wants this so badly that we all come equipped with a sex drive. When out on a date with an attractive young man, your body can wake up and say, "I bet some sex would feel GOOD right now!"

Many (heck, probably all) young women struggle to maintain self-esteem. They know the guys want sex. It can be easy to think of this as one way to be popular; make him happy and he will like you. Add to this the natural tendency to be curious about the unknown, as well as peer pressure from all the other girls who swear they are doing it ... well, you get the idea. Young women are pulled in ten different directions when it comes to premarital sex. Then, to top it all off, when you get married you are expected to magically shed all those inhibitions and become completely comfortable with marital relations. Is it any wonder that you, too, feel stress over this sort of issue?

While it is understandable for you to feel that way, you have no need to feel ashamed or embarrassed for having a sexual history with former boyfriends. Whether anyone likes it or not, premarital sex is widespread and is considered by many to be normal behavior. I understand that some cultural groups may differ in these types of expectations, but I am speaking of the North American norm. Ask your girlfriends; how many of them were virgins on their wedding nights? Not many, I bet.

Parents must try to balance how we treat these opposing forces when it comes to our children. We all want to protect our children, to keep them safe from guys who just want a thrill, from STDs and unwanted pregnancy, and from the emotional pain that often comes when sex is introduced into relationships that are not mature enough to handle it. Knowing our children will have Mother Nature and peer pressure urging them on, the natural tendency is to resent all those messages that casual sex is okay, to teach our children to protect themselves. The hope is that these opposing influences will result in a healthy balance in our children's lives.

This healthy balance is key. Finding out that your wife has a deviant sexual history is likely to cause legitimate concern for a young husband. This is not the case with you, though; you simply had a few relationships that included normal sexual behavior. Why should you be ashamed of being normal?

The answer lies in all those expectations I discussed earlier. You and your husband have not yet shed that dating mentality. In your mind, sex still has that negative stigma attached to it. You also sense that your husband is threatened by the thought of you with another, even if it was in the past. Who could blame you for being hesitant to discuss this with him? I certainly don't. It is completely understandable and I urge you to forgive yourself.

I don't believe your husband was trying to attack you when he asked that question. That was likely his insecurity peeking out. His behavior might seem judgmental but I suspect he was only reacting to the social programming he has received all his life. I urge you to forgive him as well. He is human and has frailties like all the rest of us.

The normal course of events would be for you and your husband to become more and more comfortable with these sorts of issues as time goes on, and I suspect that is exactly what will happen. You might even speed up the process by reassuring your husband that his insecurities, while understandable, are completely unnecessary. Tell him you are his forever and your past boyfriends mean nothing to you. They are part of an ancient history that simply doesn't matter anymore.

Finally, I have to wonder if you have ever sought help for your "history of anxiety." Having difficulty drawing a breath because of such a conflict seems extreme. You might consider consulting with a physician to assess the severity of the issue and to determine what help might be possible.

I wish you and your husband all the best,
Andrew

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Dismaying Story #138: Her Rage versus His Insecurity

Dear Andrew,

My husband has an odd mix of traits that make him wonderful on so many levels. He is brilliant, affable, funny, and down-to-earth. He is passionate, capable and with certain people, compassionate to a very high degree. He’s handsome and affectionate. He’s a good provider for our family and has no problem doing housework. In fact, he excels at both! So how could I dare speak against such perfection when so many women would KILL to have a guy even a hundredth this awesome? Because there are some deep-rooted psychological issues that I’ve attempted to help resolve, but I’ve been unsuccessful.

My husband grew up in a trailer-park to an alcoholic, abusive father and an accommodating doormat of a mother. His environment could be described as squalor, he said. At one point, his father was arrested for assault after threatening his mother with a gun. My husband was probably ten or so and his refusal to move from in front of his mother saved her life. His father and younger brother purportedly did nothing while he and his mother did all the cleaning, cooking, laundry, etc. Essentially, they enabled.

My husband graduated high school and married his high school sweetheart, with a daughter born not long after. His wife, sadly, had several challenges that stemmed from childhood trauma, such as debilitating OCD and crippling insecurity that led to risky sexual behavior like multiple affairs. Two additional children and worsening symptoms later and he was in front of a court-appointed counselor who recommended that he should leave his wife and take the children with him, or the courts would do it instead.

Then he met a woman with two even younger children who was about to become homeless. He re-married, but she was abusive, hateful and entitled. He went from having $30,000 in the bank to being $40,000 in the hole. She publicly humiliated him and privately emasculated him. He didn’t want to be a two-time loser so he stayed and became a miserable, functioning escapist via alcohol, porn, and mild drug use.

Eventually he left her and met me six months later. I spent the first six months of our relationship reminding him I’m not one of his exes. He would project based on their past behaviors. We eventually married but we’re struggling in a few areas.

I was raised in a home where the physical environment was the exact opposite of his. My parents were so controlling, so perfectionistic, that they threatened to burn all my clothes but one outfit if I didn’t keep them perfectly washed, folded and put away at all times. I wasn’t allowed to shut my door because that is a sign of people who are doing something wrong and they threatened to take it off the hinges if I did. I was told to be seen and not heard. Laughing and singing was considered obnoxious and I was quickly slapped or beaten for speaking out of turn. EVERYTHING I did was criticized, belittled or shamed. I left as quickly as I was able but carried many emotional scars. It took two failed marriages of my own and a lot of counseling to get to where I was able to have some semblance of inner peace. I learned how to keep things clean without being obsessed about it and that it’s okay to let go of the need to be perfect.

Enter my husband. A dish left unwashed causes him to obsess that things are going to revert back to his childhood days. The only time he can relax is if he is surrounded by the starkest, cleanest of environments. If he had his way, while we were taking our last bite of food, we would be walking to the sink to wash the dish so as not to leave any dish undone for any length of time. Clothes are the same way. Leaving a nightgown or PJs on the bed so I can rewear them the next night makes him stressed. Keeping a hairbrush or medication or a toothbrush on the bathroom counter is intolerable. And while some people would say, just tell him to clean it up himself, that means he is entering into other peoples’ spaces and cleaning up others peoples’ things, putting them where he wants them to go or pitching them if he feels like it. Which is invasive, controlling and extraordinarily inconsiderate.

He admits to obsessing over things but denies that it’s detrimental. He says, “It’s who I am and I can’t change what I feel. It’s hard-wired into me from my childhood.” He feels that as long as he is able to control his environment, he is able to have peace and we should all help him achieve that peace if we love him. While he doesn’t belittle or shame us, it’s obvious he’s distressed over every little thing. I have successfully convinced him to leave my side of the room alone, but in shared spaces, such as the bathroom, he refuses.

Because I grew up in a very aggressive, very violent household, I learned all about rage very early. I experienced passive-aggressive behavior on a daily basis. It took me years to learn successful coping skills to prevent going into a rage or acting passive-aggressively when something upsets me. My technique is to calmly state that while I want to resolve the situation, I am feeling very emotional and very stressed and feel it’s best to remove myself from it for a time. I reassure him that I will come back to resolve it when I am calmer and more able to think clearly. My husband takes this as outright rejection. In the past he has followed me wherever I went, demanding that I talk to him NOW and saying that my behavior is unbiblical and is equivalent to asking for a divorce. When I forced him to go to counseling to get an outside, third-party perspective, he saw the harm that his aggression was causing, but he still hasn’t been able to let go of the feeling of abandonment and rejection. In spite of every effort to reassure him (even while trying to stifle extreme anger), it doesn’t register with him that my coping skill has nothing to do with punishing him, but that I simply need to be where it’s calm and quiet so I can think and regroup.

So, there are my two issues. How do I deal with his need for perfection? And secondly, when we’re arguing and I need to be alone for a while, how do I deal with the constant texting about how alone he feels and how rejected he feels?

Again, it seems so ridiculous to be complaining at all when so much of him is the stuff of dreams! It’s just that these two problems are the source of 99% of our disagreements. Even if it seems we’re disagreeing about who left a dish out, what we’re really talking about is his perfectionism and inability to overcome it. Or, if we’re arguing about his invasion of space and my need for solitude, we’re really talking about his inability to step outside of his own needs and trust. Which is so strange because in most circumstances, he is extraordinarily empathetic. But when he’s emotional, he ceases to be rational. And while learning effective coping skills would work great for him, he doesn’t think he has a problem. He blames others for having a problem with him. It’s a vicious cycle. And it’s exhausting.

Signed,
Perplexed

Dear Perplexed,

You say the physical environment you had while growing up was the exact opposite of your husband’s, but I think you’ll agree that your childhood experiences include an unfortunate common element; you both had to deal with abusive situations. I hate that the two of you had to endure the abuse you’ve described, and I’m sorry to hear about your current problems.

Abused children are tremendously affected in myriad ways, many of which exhibit themselves as challenges during adulthood. One common pattern is for such children to struggle with adult relationships. Your letter mentions several of the ways in which this can happen, such as:

• Tolerating abuse or other negative behavior when it starts to occur with a partner, perhaps due to low self esteem or because you’re used to dealing with it;
• Interpreting your partner’s behavior in the context of the previous abuse you’ve received — constantly looking for negative ways to interpret their behavior, rarely giving them the benefit of the doubt; and
• Bringing various insecurities and sensitivities into a relationship.

This last category seems most highly related to the two primary challenges you mentioned — the struggle over standards of cleanliness and your differing approaches to conflict resolution.

First of all, you shouldn’t question the need to deal with such issues. A problem is still a problem, even if many other aspects of your relationship are wonderful.

The last paragraph of your letter makes the distinction between topics and issues. When you talk about whether or not he should touch your toothbrush, that’s a topic. His desire to move the toothbrush and your desire for him not to do so are just the visible symptoms. The true issues run much deeper. You’ve touched on some of the issues, such as the inner distress you both admit to feeling in certain situations. You both seem to be aware that these issues stem from your past experiences to some degree.

Your frustration is obvious in your letter. You’re searching for ways to exert some control, a path you can take that will lead to improvements. I can promise that discussing the symptoms (the topics) will not effectively deal with the underlying issues. You’ve already seen that. You can ask him to leave your mess alone until you’re blue in the face, but he’ll still feel the same anxiety inside.

Identifying an underlying issue is a necessary first step to resolving it, but it’s not a full solution. This sounds like something you’ve tried. You believe he’s obsessing and you’ve told him so. Unfortunately the types of issues you’re dealing with are long-standing and complex. Pointing them out is not enough to make them go away. That’s like coming across a highly claustrophobic person who is unfortunate enough to be trapped in an elevator. You can say to them, “Oh, I know what this is. It’s claustrophobia, so you can stop being anxious now.” That’s clearly not going to work, just like it hasn’t worked for you to point out what you see as his issues.

By the way, I understand his position when he says, “This is just how I am, I’ve always been this way, and I’ll never change.” He believes this to be the absolute truth. From his point of view, he has been like that for as long as he can remember. Nothing has ever happened to change his experience, so it’s an understandable assumption on his part that nothing could ever change it.

I said I understand his belief. I also disagree with it. Just as our internal and external behaviors are shaped by our experiences, we can re-shape and re-learn new behaviors. When past traumas are involved, however, the re-learning process almost certainly requires extensive work with trained professionals and comes with no guarantee of eventual success. The individual must be highly committed to the process, so often it’s easier to say, “It can’t be done. This is just who I am.”

Okay, now let’s move on to some good news. I do have one suggestion that I believe will help you feel less perplexed and a bit more in control of whether your interactions with your husband have positive outcomes.

Here’s a fundamental truth I’d like you to wrap your head around: You can’t control his behavior; you can only control your own.

At first that might sound like bad news. After all, your letter clearly states that you believe he’s the problem and you’d like to know how you can deal with it. I suggest you take a moment and re-read the last paragraph of your letter above. In describing each of your two issues, you use the phrase “his inability.” You describe your standards of cleanliness as within normal bounds, while his need for perfection is obsessive. Your approach for handling conflict is apparently a reasonable strategy you’ve developed in response to your past traumas, whereas his approach is an unreasonable “inability” that has arisen from his past traumas.

According to you, you’re right and he’s wrong. You’d like to keep doing exactly what you’re doing, and you’d like to know how to change his response.

You haven’t mentioned anything about changing the part you can control — your own behavior. And that’s where the good news comes in. Every relationship is a give and take. You act, he reacts, then you react to his reaction. In other words, both of you have just influenced the other. The key to success is to realize that the most effective way to influence the situation in a good direction is to behave in ways that promote positive outcomes.

A further insight is related to this “I’m right, he’s wrong” business. There’s a spectrum of possible behavior for each of the two issues you mentioned. Let’s start with your standards of cleanliness. Your husband seems to be toward the “ultimate clean freak” end of the spectrum, while you’re able to exist quite comfortably in the midst of a bit more clutter. Statistically speaking, I suspect a larger number of people would tend to be similar to you rather than him in this respect, but that doesn’t make you right and him wrong. It just means the two of you are different. Your approach feels right and comfortable to you, as does his to him.

I’m willing to bet there are untold numbers of men to whom you could be married where this situation would be reversed. In other words, many men would consider your standards of cleanliness WAY too stringent when compared with their own preferences. Imagine being married to the guy who considers it a waste of energy to make the bed more often than Christmas and Easter. He leaves his tightie wighties on the floor in front of the shower every morning, and no amount of reminding or downright nagging is enough to get him to drop them in the laundry hamper instead. You have the daily pleasure of either picking them up yourself or looking at them every time you walk into the bathroom. If you want to talk about statistical probabilities, this is the situation I hear about more often than yours.

In both types of situations, the problem isn’t that one partner is right and the other is wrong. The issue is that each of you feels comfortable within a certain range of cleanliness along the spectrum, and your ranges don’t overlap. You haven’t been able to come up with a common compromise where you can both be comfortable and happy.

The same is true with your respective approaches to conflict resolution. You’re more comfortable being apart immediately after the onset of conflict (so you can deal with your rage), whereas he’s more comfortable being together at that time (so he doesn’t feel rejected). Both of you have your own needs. Both of you feel justified in those needs.

Both of you have the opportunity to change your own approach.

Neither of you is inclined to do so.

Stalemate.

The underlying assumption embodied in your letter is that your approach should stay the same and he should change. What if you opened up the possibility that you could both change? If you think about that, I bet you’ll agree that this doubles the possibility of finding a common comfort zone along those spectrums I described above. If both people can move toward middle ground (rather than only one of you) then successful compromise is more likely.

As an example, let’s talk about your rage reaction. I get the sense you’ve accepted that this will always be a part of your life. Your coping strategy isn’t about avoiding rage. Instead, the rage comes over you and you find a way to ride it out in isolation.

What if you could learn a different reaction to conflict, one that doesn’t involve rage? Pick a situation where you became enraged and had to withdraw so you could regain control of your emotions. Many, many people could be presented with exactly the same stimuli and have no anger reaction. “That’s true,” you might say, “but they don’t have my background. Unfortunately the rage is part of who I am and I can’t change what I feel. It’s hard-wired into me due to the very aggressive, very violent household in which I grew up.”

Hmmm. That sounds a lot like the argument your husband offers for why he can’t change. I’ll offer you the same rebuttal; it is possible for you to re-learn how to react to conflict, although admittedly that would require commitment to change and plenty of hard work with the support of a professional. Imagine if you could remove or lessen your rage reactions. I’m betting you would enjoy life more, and the two of you would have one less issue standing in the way of compromise.

I suspect the two of you share more similarities than you might be willing to admit. You’ve both suffered tremendous emotional trauma. You’ve both endured the pain of multiple failed relationships. You both have complex, deep-rooted issues that affect your current ability to compromise with your partner.

And you both have many wonderful qualities that make it WELL worth whatever effort it takes to find those compromises.

I’m not trying to downplay the difficulties of dealing with issues stemming from childhood abuse, but I do believe you can increase your chances of shared happiness if you (a) gain a bit more understanding and empathy for his point of view (rather than simply considering him to be wrong), and (b) open up the possibility of two-way compromise, rather than expecting all the concessions to come from him.

I’m so glad you chose to write to me. You clearly care a great deal about your husband and your marriage. He’s lucky to have such a caring spouse, and I suspect that one fact will go a long way toward helping the two of you be happy together. I wish you both the best of luck!

All the best,
Andrew

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Dismaying Story #130: Why Doesn’t He Want Me?

Dear Andrew,

I am totally confused by this man. He is in his mid-40’s, is divorced after a ten-year marriage that he ended when he was 30, where they have joint custody of two teen-agers. He has been broken up from his last long-term girlfriend for a year and a half. She was an alcoholic, just like his Mother was. I am pretty sure he isn’t involved with anyone else. There was one other woman he dated casually because they both have worked at the same large corporation for years, but he said he wasn’t ever going to get sexual with her because her ex-husband is currently his boss at work. So technically he ought to be available, right?

I really like him. He is very intelligent and fun to talk to, well-read, charismatic, observant, physically healthy and active. He also has the added plus of being good-looking, has a smile that could light up a Christmas tree, and has a good job that he’s been at for twenty years.

I know he likes to drink, but it doesn’t appear to be excessive. The rest of his life is very clean cut. He doesn’t smoke, take drugs or gamble.

He verbally flirts with me, tells me that I have the most beautiful eyes, and an amazing body, that the chemistry between us is so thick it is palpable, and that he can’t keep his hands off of me. But the most he ever does is occasionally fondle me like a starving 15 year old. But we haven’t had sex! He acts like he wants me but then does not do anything about it but grab and squeeze my breasts and bottom.

He is obviously a heterosexual, because his two major relationships that I know about were with women. He is very visual and sensual. He even moaned once when he saw a lacy thong in my underwear drawer.

He literally can’t be around me for even thirty seconds without reaching out to touch me, but it stops there. He’ll rub me through my clothes, but not try to undress me, and then he runs out the door. He will e-mail me and tell me how much I arouse him, but then makes excuses and says that he is emotionally and sexually scared of me.

When I said I wouldn’t hurt him, he said that he knew that, but he'd hurt himself. I wondered if maybe he was impotent, but I have seen the very definite outline of a large erection through his pants as we were cuddling on the couch one time, so obviously his body works just fine.

He said that his former girlfriend said he was a lousy lover, and so he has no self-confidence. He has heard me moan with pleasure when he caressed me, and I told him that I loved him touching me, and that I have wanted him so much for so long that there was no way he could be anything but a success with me. He got mad at me and told me that he didn’t trust me. He said I am just an object to him, like any other beautiful woman he sees on the street. He said that he doesn’t want me, that I misread him, and he was just being friendly.

I’m really starting to question my desirability, both as a person and a woman because of this behavior. It just doesn’t make sense to me. Does it to you?

I shower every day, brush my teeth, am physically in good shape, dress conservatively but nicely, don’t have any s.t.d.’s, and enjoy making love.

I’ve never encountered a man who acted like this before. Please explain so I can stop being so baffled, and get on with my life!

Signed,
Sexually Frustrated

Dear Frustrated,

This guy is throwing conflicting signals at you. On the one hand he visits, spends time with you, flirts with you, and fondles you. These are generally considered to be indications of interest.

Then he says, “I don’t want you.” I looked up that phrase in the dictionary. It means, “I don’t want you.”

So there are two questions in this situation. The first is the one you asked: Why would a guy act in such a contradictory way? I’ll get back to this one.

To me, though, the more relevant question for you is this: Why would a terrific person like you spend your time chasing someone who says right to your face that he doesn’t want you?

You and I have never met but I will go out on a limb and suggest some likely answers to that question. You are at the point in your life where you are dating guys in their mid-40s. This is not your first rodeo, which means one or more relationships in your past didn’t work out. You want very much to have a relationship in your life, so you are willing to put up with the occasional bump in the road to try to make it work. When things don’t go smoothly, you question your desirability (okay, I cheated ’cause you fed me that one) and start to wonder if you could ever have a successful relationship. This adds to your anxiety, so you hold on a little harder to the faintest possibility that this one might work out. After all, he flirts with you, spends time with you, so there’s a chance ... right?

Wrong. On several counts.

First of all, you definitely can have a successful relationship. All it takes is two people who genuinely want to be with each other, and who can both figure out how to make the other person feel good about being there. You can do this. And yes, at the most basic level it really is that simple.

As with most things in life, though, the devil is in the details. How can I make my partner feel good about being with me? I could write a whole book on that subject. (And maybe I should, what do you think?) I can suggest one element that may apply to you. Your behavior changes when you worry about your own desirability. You start to predict that your partner will not be attracted to you and to expect failure. A natural reaction is to shy away from the failure, which can make you act in a number of counter-productive ways toward him, such as being distant or irritable. Many women in this situation have told me they will often end the relationship first just to “protect” themselves from the inevitable hurt that will come when he finally admits she is undesirable to him. In other words, the insecurity causes the very outcome she fears.

The good news is that the opposite is also true. You can dramatically increase the chances of your relationships working out if you convince yourself that you are a dynamic person with plenty to offer. I’m sure this is true of you. You are in good shape, like being with people, enjoy sharing intimacy, and of course there is much more to you that you didn’t mention. A guy would be lucky to have you in his life. Start believing that and acting that way and you are a long way toward making it happen.

The first step is getting past Mr. I-Don’t-Want-You. Here is the good news on that front. He has problems with your relationship ... BUT HIS PROBLEMS HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU.

He exhibited a mass of insecurities, which clearly existed long before he met you. I don’t know whether they were caused by an overbearing mother or a previous lover who laughed at him or an over-active imagination that spawned fear of rejection deep in the dark recesses of his soul. I don’t know what’s behind his ambivalent behavior and in terms of solving your problem I don’t care. I can state most unequivocally that his behavior is not caused by any failing on your part. He told you so, that his lack of confidence existed before he met you.

Not only is he insecure, he is also rude, self-serving, and incredibly insensitive to your needs and feelings. His actions and words indicate that he doesn’t care how you are affected. In other words he is using you to take what he needs, no more, no less, and to heck with what that means for you. He told you this as well, when he used the word “object.” Any guy who will grab your breasts and then treat you with such callousness is a jerk in my book.

For heaven’s sake, Frustrated, drop this guy like a hot potato. Today. There is zero chance of a future here for you. Every day you stick around will just add to the pain. Hold your head up high and walk away.

Then run, don’t walk, to the nearest bookstore and pick up a copy of He’s Just Not Into You. I guarantee you will find the same question in there: Should I stay with a guy who tells me he doesn’t want to be with me? I also guarantee you’ll find the same answer.

All the best,
Andrew

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Dismaying Story #120: The Property Tax Debacle

Dear Andrew,

You helped me back in January (Dismaying story #105: Not Her Knight in Shining Armor). I still go back and re-read your answer sometimes.

I still need help on something - it's connected to the same guy, but it drives me crazy with guilt and shame. I cannot seem to forgive myself, and it haunts me.

This guy has been having some very serious financial problems. He broke up with his long-term girlfriend after she refused to stop drinking, and he is now paying the mortgage all on his own. It is crushing him.

He put the house up for sale immediately, but in this market, it has gone nowhere for the last 8 months. He is working 60 hours plus per week for overtime but cannot afford all of his bills now that his ex-girlfriend isn’t paying half. He also owes hefty child support for his 2 kids from his ex-wife, owes back property taxes, and is facing possible foreclosure or bankruptcy.

He is incredibly depressed and isolating himself. Says he has no friends and hasn’t spoken to anyone in his family in 4 years. In the past he mentioned feeling borderline suicidal. That scared me to death. He went to see a counselor, but I still have that fear lurking in the back of my head.

Owning a home (he is in his mid-40’s) meant everything to him as a man. His whole image of himself as successful and a provider and capable has been threatened, and his self-esteem is in the dirt.

I thought I could help without asking anything in return. I went online and paid his property taxes with my credit card.

When he found out, he was very upset and came to my house to talk to me. I cried and said I hadn't meant it to be a bad thing, that if it was a problem I could reverse the charges and take the money back.

He said no, he appreciated it, but that he would pay me back within the next two years ... but that I had no right to try to control his life. Then he got really nasty and said I was obsessive, and had read into everything he had ever done. That it was stalking to have invaded his personal privacy like that.

I couldn't fathom his response, when I truly thought there had been a friendship between us. He used to say that there "was a connection between us from the very beginning." I apologized profusely and asked him to give me another chance. He said the door was closed between us, and that his defenses were really up.

He said that he was "so not ready to begin dating again," but then he said that yes, he used to fantasize about me a lot because I was beautiful with an amazing body; and that he had wanted to make love to me every night, and that was different than having sex.

He hasn’t spoken to me now for 3 months and I am still grieving. I was the only person to step up to the plate for him when the chips were down. I thought I had done something kind. I meant well and it seems to have backfired horribly.

I didn’t ask him for anything in return.

He hasn’t paid me the money back, and I know he won’t be able to. It’s not the money I care about, it’s him.

Why would he keep the money if he was so angry about it? Why has he responded like this? How do I come to terms with the fact that I have alienated someone I valued so much?

I'm beating myself up mercilessly for this. I know not to ever give someone money again, so I will change my actions, but that doesn't undo a past that haunts me.

My biggest fear is that I am a bad person because he is angry with me about what I did. Surely if I was a good person, he would have responded differently.

Signed, Ashamed and Confused

Dear Ashamed and Confused,

I went back and reviewed Dismaying Story #105 to get some background on your relationship with this man. This is the guy who flirted with you for years while he was going out with another woman, then treated you like dirt when you were friendly after she broke up with him. I advised you to forget him and not look back.

Shan commented: "What a jerk."

Lori said: "Run like hell."

Nothing has changed. He is still acting like a complete jerk and you should still run like hell.

Okay, some people would consider it somewhat intrusive for you to inject yourself into their financial affairs without asking first, but it was obviously an act of friendship and supportiveness. It was incredibly giving of you. Any reasonable friend would see it in that light and would at least offer thanks for the help. For him to criticize the help and still accept it is hypocritical, rude, mean-spirited, ... I could go on. He is not your friend. He is an acquaintance who treats you badly. You should have dropped him like a hot potato long ago.

But you didn't. The obvious question is: why? Why do you cling to a dysfunctional friendship? Why do you value someone who has treated you badly in the past and continues to do so?

Why don't you feel you are worth more than that?

And therein lies your answer. He is not your primary problem. Somehow you have convinced yourself that you are unworthy, that you are a "bad person." He said some nice words to you in the past and that made you feel good. Now you are unwilling to let go of your quest to regain that good feeling. You fear that no one else would ever make you feel that way again. So you are willing to put up with any amount of boorish behavior on his part to keep open the possibility of hearing more words of praise and attraction.

And here is where your behavior pattern feeds on itself -- if he acts nicely, you see him as a nice guy and are flattered that he wants to be with you. If he acts poorly, you blame yourself instead of him. He can't lose! This is because you have such low feelings of self-worth.

Look at your letter. You say that you have alienated him. Baloney! You tried to help. He was the one who reacted poorly and created the chasm between the two of you (which you should be thankful for, by the way). You beat yourself up. You imply that the solution is to change your actions. You worry this happened because you are not a good person.

Let me say this publicly -- you are most definitely a good person. You do, however, have a huge issue with your self image. The committee in your head just loves to remind you how no one will want you, how you aren't good enough, that you aren't a good person, that you shouldn't let anyone see the real you because that won't be good enough for them.

This is a big part of the reason why you are attracted to a man who is so distant and unattainable. (Remember, you waited years for this guy while he had another girlfriend. That is a seriously unattainable man.)

My advice is to find yourself a coach who can help you with your self image. You need someone to help you root out the causes for your negative self talk and to jettison this self-defeating behavior from your life. And it can be done. I've seen many people get this kind of help and make amazing turnarounds in their lives.

Once you do that, this guy will no longer be a mystery to you. You will have the self-confidence to recognize the destructive role he plays in your life and to seek out friends who treat you with the respect and kindness you deserve.

All the best,
Andrew

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Dismaying Story #99: That "Friends-Only" Kind of Love

Dear Andrew,

My boyfriend and I have been together for about nine months and I am having an extremely hard time getting over his past sexual relationships. I think a lot to do with it is the fact that he had a lot of "flings" with close female friends who he is still currently good friends with. One of these girls in particular is one of his best friends who he hangs out with on a fairly regular basis and even says "I love you" in a friends-only manner. He keeps reassuring me that he is "in love" with me and that he simply "loves" her as a friend. I have told my boyfriend several times that this makes me uncomfortable but he insists that they will remain only friends and that I have nothing to worry about. This situation has been eating at me for some time and I was just seeking some advice on how to get over my insecurities with my relationship.

Signed, His Current Love

Dear His Current Love,

I wrote about a similar situation a couple of months ago in Jealousy Over Past Partners, in which a young man hated the fact that his girlfriend had previous sexual partners. I suggest you read that article because my advice to him forms part of my answer to you -- in your case an ex-girlfriend is just that, an ex, regardless of whether sex was part of the previous relationship. She's out, you're in. In general I support the view that we should not automatically assume old flames are threats. Unless you have evidence that he still has feelings for her or is playing both sides of the fence, the fact that he had previous sexual relationships does not necessarily represent a danger to your current relationship.

However ... and this is a big "however" ... your story involves additional factors. Hanging out on a fairly regular basis with his ex-girlfriend as one of his current best friends and exchanging the "I love you" line is a different story, especially since you have admitted this makes you insecure. That scenario would probably have the same effect on most people.

Sure, guys and girls can simply be friends who hang out. It happens. But he and the ex have been intimate in the past, which means there is more of a connection there than simply old friends. They still invest a good deal of time into each other and don't mind throwing that "love" word around. I doubt they use that word with all their friends, so they still have a special bond. My instinct is that you're right to be uncomfortable. Whether your boyfriend wants to admit it or not (even to himself perhaps), it sounds like they are playing the game called, "We'll pretend to just be friends for a while but who knows what the future will bring."

Do I know that for sure? Of course not; that's just my educated guess.

But let's suppose I'm wrong. Suppose their friendship is entirely innocent and he is completely devoted to you.

That's still not enough.

Sometimes we also have to demonstrate our devotion, especially when our partner is feeling insecure and needs a little extra support. In other words, appearances count. Your boyfriend is doing a wonderful impression of someone who still has a thing for his ex, and his actions are speaking more loudly to you than his words. If he truly cares for and values his relationship with you, he should be willing to show you that you have nothing to worry about. That means backing off a bit with the ex. Sure, be friendly, but all this "still my best friend" and "we still love each other" stuff is over the line.

How do you get over your insecurities? You need his cooperation. If he is unwilling to do that, then either (a) you have real reason to be insecure, or (b) he lacks the empathy and supportiveness to be a giving partner. Either way I would consider that to be a danger signal.

Hopefully he'll see the light and find a way to put your mind at ease. If so, leave the past where it belongs (that would be in the past) and enjoy the fact that he is with you because he wants to be.

Good luck!

All the best,
Andrew

Not many people have suggested New Years relationship resolutions in response to this week's Question of the Week. Perhaps you can think of a really good one that someone you know should make. Whether it's you or someone else, I'd love to hear your ideas. I'll pitch in with a personal resolution of my own on Saturday.

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Dismaying Story #97: The "Untainted" Woman

Dear Andrew,

One year ago, at the age of 41, I married a man that I had been with for 5 years. Those years were tumultuous, full of growth that was brought on by a lot of arguments. Somehow, we decided to marry, thinking we could continue to grow into a healthy relationship. This is my first marriage, and his second. I had not had a lot of intimate relationships before this, and he has had many women in his life. He says that one of the reasons he chose me is that because I am "untainted" in regards to men.

I have some insecurities that are based in my childhood. I have worked to grow past them and have done a relatively good job so far, with a bit more traveling to do. The big problem is that I cry. I cry when my husband says something that hurts. This further irritates the problem between us. He gets angry, which makes me cry more.

When this happens, he will reach out to other women via the internet (not meeting them in person, as far as I know). He tells me he is not getting his needs met emotionally from me, so he seeks that out elsewhere. I call him on it, he denies it at first, then admits that yes, he is chatting with other women. He says it is a "distraction". Of course, this does nothing but to make me feel more insecure.

I need to learn how to deal with my insecurities and how they feed into the problems we have in our marriage. I also need to make the tough decision as to whether I should leave the marriage, and more than likely spend the rest of my life alone and bitter. This man has a lot of qualities that I admire. I searched far and wide to find someone that met my very specific criteria for a mate. When I met him, I felt he was the one I wanted to be with.

My questions for you:

• How does a woman meet the needs of her husband emotionally?
• -From your perspective on the limited information I have written here, am I wasting my time in this marriage?

I did not marry to get divorced, yet this is causing a lot of stress in my life that is affecting me in other areas.

Signed, Wondering What to Do

Dear Wondering,

I have been wandering around on this planet for quite a number of years now and to the best of my knowledge I have never met a tainted woman. The fact that your husband views women who have had previous relationships as somehow spoiled or corrupted as a result ... well, that seems bigoted and highly conceited.

When you display distress (crying) it makes him ... angry? I understand it would be stressful and frustrating for him when you display emotion he doesn't understand and therefore feels powerless to remedy. I would expect a supportive husband, however, to react to distress on your part with concern, compassion, caring, a desire to help you -- something along those lines.

"He tells me he is not getting his needs met emotionally from me, so he seeks that out elsewhere." Wow. What an emotional blow to the head that is. "You know honey, you're just not good enough for me. And by the way, whenever I feel dissatisfied (which happens all the time), I'll just get my jollies from other women instead." He is having emotional affairs with these other women, which are every bit as destructive to your marriage as sexual affairs. And it wouldn't surprise me if someone with his obvious lack of commitment is headed for sex as well, if he hasn't been there already.

Are you kidding me? Does he honestly believe these are reasonable behaviors within a marriage? You don't say what criteria you were looking for in a husband, but I can't believe your goal was to find someone who is bigoted, unsupportive and unfaithful. There are clearly reasons why he has gone through a large number of failed relationships.

I honestly don't know what kind of wife could meet the emotional needs of a guy like that. I expect she would have to care only about his needs and have none of her own, let him do whatever he wants without complaint, and never present him with any kind of problem. Have you ever met a woman like that? I haven't and I hope not to, because it would make me sad; she would be an empty shell of a person.

How much better it is to have a wife who yearns for life, who has normal needs and desires. Sure, we all come with our own form of baggage, but that's just the normal price of admission for playing the game called marriage. When he said those vows, he agreed to stick with you in good times and bad, which means helping you with any problems you might have. Your crying is not "the problem." It is merely a symptom of your distress. He's not living up to his end of the bargain; he's simply running away instead.

Your letter implies that you have somehow let him down by not meeting his needs. I don't see it that way. You both have needs. He refuses to help with yours and then runs away so you have no opportunity to address his.

You have described two major issues in your relationship. The first is your fear and insecurity, which arises from childhood events and circumstances. I guarantee this has contributed not only to the difficulties you have had in this marriage, but also in your apparent reluctance to get into a relationship at all. Your personal road to happiness lies directly through the resolution of these issues from your past. This is not something you need to fix in the context of your marriage, but simply for yourself. If you have not already done so, I highly recommend you find a coach or therapist to help you with this resolution.

The second major issue is your husband. He needs to understand that he is not stepping up and being a man in this relationship. He is acting like a spoiled little brat who is used to getting his way and who runs off and cries to someone else if that doesn't happen. He needs to learn how to be empathetic, giving of his time and emotion, and supportive of your needs. He doesn't yet understand that doing so is the only way for his needs to be met; that is the only way he can ever have a partner who shows him how loved and appreciated he is for all his support.

With work, patience and the right help, you should be able to resolve the first issue. I don't know how likely it is, though, that you can resolve the second issue. It sounds like he believes you are the problem, and he would probably resist the idea that he should change. Even if he did come to that realization, he would have to be willing to address long-standing attitudes and poor relationship skills. And at this point he is clearly not committed to you, your needs or your marriage. He would have to swing a long way over to the side of supportiveness and openness, and stay that way for quite a while to heal the considerable hurt he has caused you.

I can't recommend which way you should jump, but you clearly have a steep hill to climb if you want to turn this relationship into a happy place to be.

Finally, I completely disagree that you would likely end up alone and bitter for the rest of your life if this marriage fails. I have seen incredible turnarounds in people's lives when they get the coaching help they need to quiet those inner voices that keep reminding them about the traumas from their past. You will be amazed at the difference this can make for you, and the possibilities it can open up for your life, regardless of who you end up with. I wish you luck in achieving that peace and happiness.

All the best,
Andrew

And to everyone else who is reading along, I wish each and every one of you the very best for 2007! May you all find peace, happiness and satisfaction in glorious achievement in this new year.

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Dismaying Story #93: Moving Past the Fear

Dear Andrew,

I've made poor relationship choices in the past, repeating what was modeled to me as a child. Now I want a healthy relationship but I'm unsure how I can allow myself to have one. Are there steps/questions that one goes through while dating in order to dig out the weeds and allow the garden to shine through?

My mom was bi-polar, she loved me and hated me and was abusive. My dad is a controlling man who traveled a lot for work and when he was home I was his little princess. He would bring me gifts from all over the world. My mom would use me as a pawn when ever she needed more money, depriving me of things -for example a shower or a bath - claiming she couldn't afford to pay the household bills. Then he'd give her more household money, which taught me love was conditional. My kids and cats taught me love was unconditional.

In the past I dove into relationships way too fast, then when I'm in, I will do anything to keep it even when I know it's bad. I give away my needs for the needs in the relationship, which are generally his. The men I choose are unavailable emotionally. Then I run away and look for another one because my needs are not being met. This is the reason I've been living on my own for a while - to break that pattern.

Dating men who lack intimacy may very be because I also fear intimacy. If I don't give away that part of me, then it's like I'll be safe... but it hasn't worked yet. At this point I'm willing but scared to let go, to let someone really get to know me.

Also, abandonment issues raise their ugly head when I attempt a relationship. My mom was only half there when I was growing up, which left me fearful of being left. It's easier to not even get involved in the first place, or to give men the sex they want without any feelings. I know I have to do things differently but I don't know how.

The bottom line is, I've met someone who is willing to go as slow as I want. I've told him what I'm willing to do and what I'm not willing to do, but how do I know if I'm just keeping him at arms length to get to know him better or if I'm doing it because I don't want to let him get to know me?

I've had some insight reading The Intimacy Struggle by Janet Woititz. It has been very enlightening, not only for my behaviors but also for my prior partners.

Signed, Afraid to Jump

Dear Afraid to Jump,

Fear is a learned response. Your past experiences have taught you that you can expect the people in your life to:

• consider you as not worth much (less valuable than, say, household spending money);
• leave you alone whenever they feel like it;
• be emotionally abusive, and so on.

More than that, deep down inside (or maybe even not so deep) you have come to believe that you deserve to be treated like that. You feel like you are not worthy of loving companionship.

You keep guys at arms length for at least two reasons. One, you expect them to hurt you, and two, you don't dare let them see the real you. You have built up a brave, happy, hard-working, over-achieving persona that you show the world every day. (I'm guessing on a couple of those adjectives, but I bet I'm close.) You are afraid to let any guy get too close because he would discover the "truth" -- that behind the facade there is this person with so many faults, which means she is not really worthy. And if he discovers your true nature, he is sure to do just like everyone else; he will leave.

So maybe you try to let a guy in, just a little, and what happens -- the closer he gets, the more fearful you become, which makes you shut down emotionally and push him away.

Now what kind of guy would be attracted to a relationship like that? You mentioned him in your letter: someone who is emotionally unavailable. You each feel like a safe place for the other because neither of you will demand more than the other can give. It's like two terrified middle school kids who claim to be going steady, yet they physically hold each other as far away as they can when they do the slow dance at the sock-hop, and both are glad to dance that way.

Neither of your get much from the relationship, though, so your fears and beliefs about yourself are confirmed. Then you break up, which strengthens your fears even more.

Happily, though, just as you learned these fears, it is also possible to discover how needless they are. You can replace them with trust in others and humble confidence in yourself. Reading the book you mentioned (and doing the work it suggests) is a reasonable way for you to begin this process. As I have mentioned before, you may also consider finding a coach or therapist to help you silence that inner voice, the one who is always predicting doom and telling you how worthless you are. Until you do so, you may find the prospect any relationship daunting, regardless of how great the guy is.

Your question, though, is what to do when you meet a guy. You might decide to wait while you work on your own issues, but then such issues are often managed rather than cured, so you will want to take the plunge at some point. When you do, the most basic question you should ask yourself is this: "Is he the type of guy who will (a) feed my fears, or (b) help to show me that my fears are groundless?" Will he bring you down or prop you up?

You learned to be afraid by repeated exposure to negative stimuli. To learn trust, you need to be exposed to guys who will treat you with respect, dignity, compassion and understanding. The brash, self-centered type is not the one you need right now. You should be looking for tender and patient, someone who will look you in the eyes and say, "You are a wonderful person, and of course I want to be with you." In other words, you need the exact opposite of the emotionally distant guys you mentioned in your letter.

Unfortunately, realizing what you need is no guarantee you will find it. Being aware of your needs, though, should put you in a better position when considering which guys to date and when evaluating how any relationship is proceeding.

You are most definitely worthy of love! Good luck!

All the best,
Andrew

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Negative Self Talk and a New Question of the Week (#16)

What an amazing response I received to last week's question about negative self talk. There were several great insights into how our inner voices tend to affect us, and quite a number of people opened up and admitted this is an area where they struggle.

Here is what Mark had to say:

The voice that runs 24/7 in your head is very powerful. I once read a quote that went something like this - "If you were sitting across the table having lunch with the voice in your head, how long would you put up with what that voice was saying?" For most the answer is, not very long.

That's true. The challenge is that we can physically stand up and walk away from a table, but that won't make the inner voice go away, or even diminish its influence.

Walker wrote about a life strategy he has seen people employ:

It’s easier to fail than succeed, so accepting failure beforehand reinforces what you believed from the start. If you know you are going to fail, why try?

Consider a man who dates only married women. This guy's inner voice has convinced him he is certain to fail in any relationship, so what does he do? He gets involved only in relationships that are sure to fail because of other factors. When he and one of the married women call it quits, he doesn't have to face the notion that it was because of some failing on his part. He can tell himself, "It was never going to work anyway." The tragic consequence is that he denies himself any chance of finding a happy relationship.

Many of us do the same thing in various ways. Perhaps you are convinced that others judge you because you are a woman, or a visible minority, or too fat, or too skinny, or have too many pimples, or don't have enough money, or ... pick your poison. So you enter social situations with a chip on your shoulder, expecting to be treated badly. Others are likely to sense your hostility and react negatively, at which point you say to yourself, "See? I knew they would judge me."

Once we give in to feelings of poor self-worth, they typically cause a variety of other problems. Melli wrote about just such a situation:

Self doubt was a huge issue for me when I was young - especially in my teen years. Since I didn't have anyone at home telling me I was wonderful, it really was huge! Once I moved out and was on my own though -- away from non-supportive family - and out of high school away from the "catty" girls who feast on those with no self-value -- I started realizing that I was pretty enough - and plenty of fun! But it probably took me until I was about 25/26 to finally "get" it -- to accept that I'm okay just the way I am and (and I think most important) that it was okay for some people not to like me.

However I do still occasionally walk into a room full of people I know and think "None of them want to talk to me." On very rare occasions it can still get me bad enough that I'll do the wall flower thing. When this happens, nobody thinks I'm feeling shy or uncomfortable -- they automatically think I'm being "standoffish." I'm generally outgoing and happy, so when a "moment" hits me, no one suspects I might be feeling insecure!

The next time you encounter someone who acts aloof or even aggressive, ask yourself if they might be doing so because they feel threatened. It happens more frequently than you might think.

Here is another example of someone who listens to their negative inner voice, from Shan this time:

I know I do this constantly. It makes me want to disappear, it's a lot of self-hate, because I believe I can be better, and I don't have any excuses. I'm always a big disappointment to myself and then I try to avoid interaction with others so they don't see what I see.

This is a young man who limits his social interaction because he doesn't know how else to deal with that voice. I have to wonder how much of this disappointment is because (a) something in his past has caused him to set unbelievably high expectations for himself, and (b) his poor image of himself has become a self-fulfilling prophecy. In other words, similar to the stories above, I bet he "fails" because his fear and self-loathing make him act in ways that actively prevent him from accomplishing the things he most wants in life. He wants friends and successful relationships, yet he withdraws and acts fearful.

Another reader (this one anonymous) tells virtually the same story:

This is my biggest problem, by a long shot. I'm wasting my time/money with school; it's not really going to get me anywhere. I can't believe I'm 30 and still living at home. I don't have any friends. I don't want to annoy the ones I do have by relying on them too much. I haven't had a date in over a year. I haven't had a boyfriend in--count 'em--six years. I'll never get married or have kids. I can't believe how ugly I am. I can feel myself getting fatter, frumpier, and more bitter all the time. Blah blah blah. Worst of all, when I try to do something about it, I feel like a fraud, or I get discouraged that it seems like I have to move mountains to maintain a minimally acceptable standard. How do you find the energy to stop this?

Again, here is a person who chooses, out of fear, to limit interaction with friends, then is sad because she doesn't get to interact with friends. She firmly believes she won't get married, and perhaps doesn't understand that such a belief is one of the biggest impediments to making that happen.

That darned inner voice causes trouble for so many people -- persistent, life-altering trouble. Nancy Ruth provides a final example:

Negative self talk is my bugaboo. To send out a manuscript or submit an article takes such a terrible amount of energy. I haven't found any way to overcome this.

Yes, It IS Possible to Overcome Negative Self Talk

I am privileged to work with Thomas K. Matthews, a professional coach whose expertise is in helping people eliminate negative self-talk from their lives. He has worked with hundreds of clients who have spent many years dealing with problems just like the ones described above. He is able to help people uncover the influences in their lives that have resulted in their feelings of self doubt, discover the positive effects of these influences, and discard the negative. Clients report that the results are often extraordinary.

I have had the opportunity to review his book manuscript entitled WHEN YOU'RE NAKED, ALONE, IN THE DARK, which details his approach for identifying and overcoming the factors that lead to self doubt and negative self talk. I, for one, can't wait until this book is published so I can start recommending it to people who write in with this sort of issue.

One of the key insights that underlies this approach is that we don't have a single inner voice. Instead we have a committee that develops over our lifetimes. Our pasts include several episodes and periods of time that contribute to the development of self doubt. Identifying these chronological events is a critical first step toward removing their hold over our lives.

As today's Question of the Week, then, here are a couple of questions to start you down that path:

1. At what age do you recognize that your self doubt first surfaced? What happened?

2. In elementary school, did you experience people or circumstances that perpetuated negative or doubtful self talk habits? Were you scolded or demeaned by peers or authority figures?

By answering these types of questions objectively and honestly about various periods of time in your past, you can begin to recognize and face the members of your committee. Many people find this process both challenging and liberating.

Your comments are welcome. Since this can be an intensely personal process, I will also understand if some of you choose to do your introspection in private.

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Question of the Week #15: Negative Self Talk

Negative self talk is one of the most common themes that emerges in many of the Dismaying Stories on this site. When we are faced with a challenge, opportunity or success, that little voice inside often pipes up and reminds us that we really aren't all that great. (You are great, by the way; the voice is virtually always wrong.)

From time to time I talk to highly successful business executives, people who have accomplished a great deal and exude a tremendous amount of apparent confidence. When you get them alone, however, almost every one of them will admit that this thought runs through their head frequently: "Some day someone is going to realize I'm just faking it, that I really don't have much of a clue what I am doing." They have plenty of clues, of course, otherwise they wouldn't have all that success in life. Still, though, their negative self talk causes them stress and makes it more difficult to move forward with confidence in life.

I wonder if you could take a moment and listen to your inner voice. Are you like much of the human race when it comes to negative self talk? Do you sometimes doubt yourself? If so, don't feel bad; you have plenty of company.

In what types of situations does your negative inner voice start whispering self-defeating messages in your ear? What does it say? Have you found a way to ignore it, or does it still hold some degree of power over you?

Sharing your story will undoubtedly be helpful for other readers, who are likely to recognize themselves in your words and realize they are not alone. As always, I'll post some of my favorite responses next week.

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Dismaying Story #79: Alone with her Thoughts

Dear Andrew,

I grew up an Air Force brat. This meant I moved around a lot and did not form lasting friendships. The only friend I have from childhood is my sister. I sometimes feel like I live in her shadow since she is older, but that is beside the point.

I am now 27 and have few friends. I have a very hard time making friends because I have terribly low self-esteem. I am always afraid people are judging me and talking about me behind my back. I think this relates back to my childhood, but I am just not able to get over this insecurity. I think I am beautiful and have a great family, so my insecurity is not about my looks; it's about who I am as a person. I never feel like I am good enough on the inside, like I am not worthy of having friends.

How do I get over this and make friends? I fear it's not as simple as going to a new book club.

Signed, Friendless

Dear Friendless,

You are right; it is not as simple as getting out there and meeting more people. You need to change what is going on inside yourself. The good news is that this is possible to do.

Moving frequently as a child is a circumstance of your life and a contributing factor to your problem, but it is not the cause. Yes, moving can make it more challenging to form lasting friendships, but it does not preclude doing so. Some people are so gregarious and sociable that they would manage to fill their life with friends even in those circumstances.

You also mention a lack of friends, low self-esteem, fear of judgment, and feelings of low self-worth. Again, these are not the causes of your problem -- they are symptoms. You need to identify the causes so you can recognize them, acknowledge the impact they are having on your life, and discard their influence.

What do you say to yourself when you are all alone? Is your internal self-talk positive or negative? You have already answered that -- you express doubt about yourself. You question whether you are good enough and tell yourself that you are not.

These fears came from somewhere. Your negative self-talk habit did not just spring up spontaneously. This is based on your accumulated life experiences. Somewhere in your past you have been conditioned to react like this. You have learned to do so.

Happily, you can also learn positive self-talk. One of the most effective ways to accomplish this is to go through a discovery exercise where you recognize the influences in your past that helped to create your self-defeating habits. You can identify the positive impacts that these influences contributed to your life (because you want to retain these), and then discard the negative aspects.

Such negative internal voices flourish in the dark. They love to remain anonymous. When you are feeling vulnerable and alone, they delight in showing just enough of themselves so they can tell you how unworthy you are and then they scurry back into their dark crevices. Dragging them into the harsh sunlight and exposing their true nature is often an effective way to recognize the lies they tell. Identifying the true nature of your self-talk can make it possible to manage it.

When that voice inside you says, "You know they won't like you," you can respond, "Hey, I recognize you. Thank you for your input. Now go back and sit on your stool in the corner and be quiet."

You are worthy of friendship. Everyone is! More than that, the problems you describe are incredibly common. I hear similar stories all the time, including from some of the most outwardly confident and successful people you can imagine. It is amazing how many of us struggle with those self-doubting internal voices. But they can be managed by finding someone to help guide you through the discovery process I described.

All the best,
Andrew

Do you have a story that you tell people about how you and your significant other met? If so, then the Question of the Week is for you!

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Dismaying Story # 73: Past Baggage

Dear Andrew,

I am a forty-year-old man who has been divorced for twelve years. I've had a few relationships of varying lengths over the past 12 years (three years was the longest), but this is the first time I've been interested in getting re-married. I truly feel like I've found "the one."

I'm afraid, however, that a lot of my past baggage is getting in the way. The current problem is that my fiancée does not give me much praise and reassurance, and she needs and gives much less physical affection (I'm not talking about sex here) than I am used to and expect.

I have depression, was sexually abused as a child, and adopted when I was young. My depression is very well controlled through meds and cognitive behavioral work I do on my own, as well as what I've learned in therapy in the past. Through lots of therapy I have recognized that I have huge issues with fear of abandonment and feeling I'm not worthy of being loved. I've surrounded myself with very expressive friends who constantly reassure me by telling me how great I am.

I've mostly dated women who fit this mode. I also have a history of over-achieving and doing tons of volunteer work to prove my worth to myself. I realize I have become addicted to external praise. I realize that and I'm working on it.

In my current relationship, though, I'm having a hard time drawing the line between my insecurities versus my legitimate right to tell my fiancée what I need out of the relationship.

How does one know the difference between one's own baggage, and legitimate relationship concerns that need to be addressed?

Signed, Needs PLENTY of Hugs

Dear Needs Plenty of Hugs,

Many times since starting this site I have recommended that people should seek help from a professional -- a therapist or psychologist. As your letter makes clear, this is not always the end of the road, not by a long shot. There is never any guarantee that a series of sessions with a therapist will provide the relief you seek. It might be the most appropriate course of action -- your best bet, if you will -- and many people make tremendous strides as a result of their therapy, but seeing a professional is not always a silver bullet cure-all.

There can be several reasons for this. Some clients are simply not committed to putting in the effort to help themselves. As the joke in my sidebar alludes, you have to be ready and willing to make changes in your life.

Another fundamental reason is that psychology is an inexact science. Our understanding of the complexities of human behavior is far from complete, as is our knowledge of how to intervene when things go awry. Some types of behaviors are resistant to change, and persist despite the best efforts of patient and therapist.

You can point to several reasons for your fears. Feelings of low self worth are a classic response to sexual abuse, as is fear of abandonment for those who have been adopted or who have lived through foster care. Your therapy has made you aware of the fears as well as the causes, and has given you some techniques you can use to manage the effects. You have worked out other coping strategies on your own, such as gravitating toward expressive, supportive friends.

It is obvious, though, that you have not actually addressed the roots of your fears. You still struggle to think of yourself as worthy of love, as someone that people will like and want to be around.

Think about that. After years of therapy and medication, the problems are still there. Does that mean you are destined to struggle for your entire life? I have no way of knowing whether that is true in your individual case, but many people in your situation are able to make breakthroughs once they begin addressing the root causes rather than the surface behaviors.

Let's consider your self-esteem for a moment. You can do all the exercises you want, shouting "I'm great" affirmations at the top of your lungs, having therapists and friends assure you that you really are worthy, but at some point you will have some alone-time again. That's when your inner voice will whisper to you: "Psst. Hey! You know that was a load of baloney, right? None of that play-acting changes what you and I know. We both know what people really think of you." Your therapy has not evicted this malicious tenant from your head. You have not yet gone back to the events that caused your fears, dealt with them effectively and successfully, and discarded their harmful effects.

All of this is a preamble to answering your question, which is: How does one know the difference between one's own baggage, and legitimate relationship concerns that need to be addressed?

We all have baggage, every single one of us. We are all individuals with our own hot buttons, topics about which we really don't want to be teased, and sensitivities for which we could use a little moral support. These are legitimate relationship concerns. When your fiancée chooses to be with you, she chooses all of you. Like it or not, she will have to deal with your insecurities.

The question, though, is what constitutes an appropriate way to address these concerns. You would like her to give you more praise, reassurance and physical contact, which is just another form of reassurance -- the touch or hug when passing in the kitchen, in effect saying, "Yes, I still love you." In other words, you want her to feed your insecurities. You want the quick hit, the temporary fix of external gratification so you'll feel okay for another few minutes.

And I don't blame you. For someone who feels badly like you do, of course you are looking for ways to feel better, and temporarily better is preferable to not at all. It's okay for you to ask for this type of help. If this sort of touchy-feely constant reassurance does not come naturally for your partner, though, it may be difficult for her to provide it to the level you seek. You risk straining the relationship by asking her to provide more than she has to give.

More than that, it may not be the only way (or even the best way) for her to help address your legitimate relationship concerns. Perhaps she could say, "You should keep looking for a professional who can get to the root of your problems and help you discard their effects, someone with a proven track record of helping people with their self-esteem issues."

I realize that may be difficult to hear after all your experiences with therapy, but it just might be an idea worth considering. I wish you luck in achieving a workable balance of need-versus-give with your fiancée.

All the best,
Andrew

Does your inner voice take a few stabs at your self-esteem whenever you're naked, alone in the dark? Does this affect how you interact with others? Drop me an email and I'll try to help. Comments can be anonymous and the identity of email respondents always remains confidential.

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Dismaying Story #70: Fitting in with the Crowd

Dear Andrew,

Recently I was with a group of new friends I met a few weeks ago in college. These girls have known each other since they were in diapers and my insecurity resurfaced when I "lost" them in the cafeteria. I found them eventually, and in hindsight I know they weren't purposely avoiding me, I just took the wrong exit. At the time, though, flashbacks of being avoided by friends I thought liked me came back in a flood.

Or flashbacks of coming to say hi to a group of "friends" in the morning, only to have them get all quiet all of a sudden, or, worse, to keep bashing someone who could be me, and when I ask who they're talking about, they answer "oh, someone you don't know."

I've always been uneasy in group settings. I always feel like I'm being talked about behind my back, or that I'm just tagging along and they allow me to but would rather I not be there. If I'm not invited to a party, it's like confirmation of my worst nightmares.

My reasonable side tells me to ignore these feelings because it's probably just a mild case of paranoia, but deep down inside, I have this doubt -- I could be right.

I've had several episodes in my life that reinforced this feeling, like finding an insulting note written by a supposed friend in middle school, or the time some friends from high school purposely gave me the wrong directions, knowing I would get lost in an unfamiliar part of the city.

How can I get over this and have normal relationships, and not just one-on-one? Be part of a group without constant fear of backstabbing and betrayal?

Signed, Paranoid Girl

Dear Paranoid Girl,

You have learned a fear, and there doesn't seem to be much of a mystery where it came from. You had your feelings hurt on more than one occasion and this helped you develop an insecurity about your role in social groups.

If you look back, you will realize these "episodes" occurred when you were interacting with immature people. Unfortunately, children can be cruel to each other. Adults can too, of course, but this phenomenon seems especially common when we are younger. Any sign of weakness or vulnerability on the schoolyard tends to be noticed and held up for immediate ridicule. Young folks are still very "me" oriented. There is some degree of empathy for the feelings of others, but nowhere near as much as when we mature into adulthood.

School-age children also seem to be incredibly perceptive at picking out vulnerabilities. Some kids are perceived as easy prey and get teased over and over again. You admit that you have always been uneasy in group settings. Imagine someone like that approaching a group of girls in the hallway in middle school. Would you approach with confidence? No, you would emanate insecurity. You might as well have a neon sign on your forehead flashing, "I'm uncomfortable." That is all the prompting some young people need to be catty or play practical jokes.

This is where your feelings of "I could be right" come from. You struggled with fitting in when you were younger and now you are having a hard time shaking the feeling.

The good news is that you have reached an age where your friends are more mature. Being nasty for the sheer joy of tormenting someone becomes rare in college. (And yes, I'm sure some of you could tell a story or two, but they would be the exception rather than the rule.) Your fear has now become unfounded; you are afraid of something that is extremely unlikely to happen.

Fear can be a useful emotion when it protects us from a real and present danger. If you are inside an electrical generating station, fear of electrical shock is probably a good thing, something that will prevent you from foolishly touching things. An unfounded fear, on the other hand, can be debilitating, such as a fear of lightning that keeps you from going outside even on sunny days. The probability of a lightning strike in that situation is so remote that the fear is unreasonable and counter-productive.

In your case, you are preventing yourself from enjoying normal social interactions. You are afraid your friends might be nasty and immature, but that has now become unlikely. You need to drag your inhibitions out and take a good look at them in the strong sunlight. Is your fear helping or hindering you? Does it serve any useful purpose in your life? I don't think so. It's time to start letting go. As you have more and more positive experiences with your friends, you should eventually find that this fear has gone away for good.

More than that, let's imagine your worst fear coming true. Suppose a group of supposed friends are nasty to you. How should you respond?

See ya! Hasta la vista, baby. New friends, here I come! Nasty, immature people simply aren't worth worrying about. Most adults are not like that anyway, so why spend energy on the few who are.

My point is that you would survive such an occurrence just fine. People like that can only impact your life if you let them. So why worry about it?

You need to stop giving those schoolyard bullies from long ago all that power over you. Stand up and say, "I'm not going to cower in front of the memory of you anymore! I am now a young adult. I am going to hold my head high, knowing the vast majority of people I meet will appreciate that. And to heck with anyone who doesn't."

That'll show 'em!

All the best,
Andrew

A few people have already answered this week's Ask the Faithful Readers question about the challenges of being a step-parent. If you have some experience or observations related to this topic, why not join in the discussion?

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Dismaying Story #68: When Meds Are Not Enough

Dear Andrew,

I got married twenty-four years ago when I was sixteen. I married someone so totally opposite to me so that I could be provided with stability and taken away from an incredibly dysfunctional home. I have gone through much in my life and that is an understatement. I have been abused in every way from my father, mother, brother, and older sister.

I married an abusive man, who eventually changed his ways when he found God. He has not hit me in years. He has become more gentle but can still be passively controlling. He has changed dramatically but I am still so afraid of him and I have no reason to be. I find myself living for his approval in EVERYTHING! I want to shake this off but don't know how. I am tired of living in fear all the time and walking on egg shells. I have become severely depressed and I am on antidepressants. I have been hospitalized once for a suicide attempt but I am far better now. I am on meds but I am still always afraid. What can I do?

Signed, Walking on Eggshells

Dear Walking,

I am glad you wrote to me because it gives me a chance to talk about an issue that affects many people, namely the use of medication to modify behavior. Drugs can be incredibly beneficial in certain circumstances; they can even save lives when the threat of suicide enters the picture, but they also have limitations.

You have been traumatized by the abuse in your life and you describe many of the classic symptoms that follow from such trauma. Your self-esteem is close to non-existent and your ability to cope with normal day-to-day stresses has been severely compromised. You fear negative consequences constantly (such as the disapproval of others) even in the absence of any immediate external reason to expect such consequences.

This type of fear reaction has two components, physical and behavioral. These two sides feed off each other and make the reaction difficult to modify. We all have physical reactions when faced with traumatic events. You know the symptoms -- your mouth goes dry, you feel a surge of adrenaline course through your body, you get that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach, you tremble, your hair stands up, and so on. This is your body going into an alert status to prepare you to either fight or flee.

An abusive event also teaches you that such trauma is possible and you should watch out for it in the future. Repeated abuse can cause people to go further and come to several unfortunate conclusions. Chronic victims often believe the pain is inevitable and unavoidable, that the abuse is somehow their fault, that they deserve it or invite it because they are unworthy, and so on.

You were abused by your husband, so his very presence can serve as a stimulus to remind you of the trauma. This invokes a behavioral reaction (for example, walking on eggshells, fear, seeking approval, etc.) and a physiological reaction. When you feel the fear, do you get a little spurt of adrenaline or a dry mouth? I bet you do.

So you went to your physician, who is trained to respond to medical emergencies. The primary methods of intervention are pharmaceutical and surgical. (And yes, I know many physicians go beyond this, but many also tend not to.) At the time you were in the midst of a medical emergency, namely acute depression with suicidal tendencies, so you received a predictable response -- you were hospitalized and prescribed anti-depressants. This was almost certainly the appropriate treatment to get you through the immediate crisis, the period of greatest risk. As you can attest, however, this is not sufficient to address your ongoing issues.

The pharmaceutical solution offers attractive benefits for both the physician and the patient. Our North American medical system places great time demands on doctors. They are typically challenged to care for a flood of patients in a finite amount of time. Writing a prescription is time efficient and is one of the main things physicians are trained to do. Physicians simply do not have time to sit and talk for hours with each of their patients. The medical system is not set up to handle that, and doctors are not rewarded financially for doing so.

Patients also tend to be comforted by the medical model. The underlying message is, "This is not your fault. This is a medical condition to be treated with pills. You don't have to do any hard work or accept any responsibility. Simply take this pill and all will be well." Happily, I can tell from your letter that you don't subscribe to this view. You are asking, "What else can I do?" You are ready to take ownership of the solution and move forward, which is a healthy sign.

The fundamental problem is that pills can only change the physiological aspects of your reactions. They do little or nothing to address the behavioral side. You have never come to terms with the severe damage to your self-image. I would bet good money you have not forgiven yourself for "allowing" the abuse to happen. In your mind, it is still partly your fault. You still expect bad things to happen in your life, even though you say they have essentially stopped. You have been conditioned to expect them, so you now need to reverse that process, to condition yourself to expect them not to occur. This type of behavior modification is difficult to achieve by yourself. I recommend you see a psychologist, whose job it is to spend the time with you that a physician simply cannot. Psychologists are also trained differently and can offer the type of help you need to address your behavioral challenges.

Medication can sometimes be beneficial while you are taking part in behavior modification therapy. In certain cases, pills can help quell the undesirable physical reactions and make it easier for you to isolate and address the behavioral reactions. It wouldn't surprise me, though, if you find you no longer need the anti-depressants once you learn to let go of the fear. For your sake, I hope that is where you are headed.

Finally, you mentioned that your husband can still be passively controlling. Since you "walk on eggshells," I can only assume you have trouble sticking up for yourself in your marriage. Hopefully once you come to terms with your own individual challenges, you will be in a better position to begin working out more equitable ways of interacting with your husband.

All the best,
Andrew

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